I am reading Paulo Coelho's newest book,  Manuscript Found in Accra.  His books move me back to center.  His books read my heart back to me.  this one is no exception.  i would love to meet him someday, but i know words would just fail me and i'd stand there in a puddle of tears, so it's best not to wish for that - spare us both!
Lately I've felt (even more) socially out of step...misreading cues when it's my turn to talk, feeling itchy in social situations.  And feeling like I talk too much and say too little, mostly.  and i try to be a good conversationalist - try to ask the questions that, not only are polite, but that i truly want to know about.  without turning the answers into a story about me or my experiences... try to break the old mindset that if i don't verbally vomit everything everything, then they may not ask - it's almost like begging someone to get to know me.  but the weird thing is that i never consciously felt that no one wanted to know me, so i could be wrong - maybe i just talk a lot.  and that bothered me, because i know a talker, and it sucks to hang up the phone and all you did was listen and never got a chance to talk.  so now you're going to be hyper-aware of all this when we talk, right?  oy.
But in Paulo's book (see - there was a point), it talks about going out and just being yourself, in much more eloquent terms.  i call it "living outwardly."  there is nothing that can drag you out of the dumps better than smiling at people when you pass them - not in some crazed, tripping on acid way.  but a friendly smile can make The Difference in someone's life.  I've talked about this before...the day that tried to drag me back to hell with it - and someone held a door for me and smiled at me.  that was all it took, i swear.  it turned my entire day around.  there was something in that small act of kindness that just made it work...made me stop my internal swear-fest and look outside my head to see a world on the other side of my eyeballs.  when i leave the house Every Day for real, I thank God for that wretched day - for every single thing that went wrong just so i could learn that the power of changing the world is a smile.  if i'm having a bad day, i'll name every domino that fell in that bad, wretched day, and remind myself that a bad day is an even more perfect opportunity to learn fantastical things.  and guess what - mostly it works and if nothing else, it takes the power away from the falling dominos and gives it back to you, and YOU decide what to do with the pieces...make lemonade, or let the juice continue to squirt you in the eye.  sometimes, like earlier this past week, when the contractor leaves sheetrock dust All Over The House Including The Hardwoods and it requires many hours of vacuuming and washing and re-washing because it turned to mud and ruined the finish and you cry, sometimes on a day like that - you just stay inside because you know you'll damage someone's karma and you may say fuck dominos falling and i refuse to be thankful for this.  but then you are, because thank God you didn't have him paint.
meanwhile, i have on my To Do list, well, many things.  I have:
1) empty studio
2) if "1" is too overwhelming, go to crawfish festival
3) find capri pants and shorts
4) bag up last year's clothes & donate (You Are NOT that size anymore.  Adjust)

i am leaning toward #2, only because how often is there a crawfish festival in town?  although i once went to houston for one, and when i saw the actual crawfish, i just couldn't eat them...i mean, they serve them with the heads on all looking at you.  i need more distance.  so maybe i should just go with #1.
:sigh:
wishing you a day of brilliant options and smiles given and received.  and glitter, for some reason.

prepared to be inspired

have you ever been too afraid to do something huge?  have you ever been afraid to be afraid?  watch Miss Yeh and know that you can transform the world

ugh!  I came home from playing with Mary, took one look at my studio and just wanted to nap.  i am overwhelmed with this task of emptying out.  there's still so so so much in here.  but i have to get it done n-o-w.  grrr.

make mine rose colored

I am so excited today! My friend Mary (who's feet don't touch the ground, i swear) will be in town briefly!  There are some people who make you be a better self.  She is one of them.  i don't know how she does it - her life is no less stressful then anyone else's, yet she handles it with grace.  me?  a rickety zen circus.  sometimes graceful, sometimes it seems like a ball of chaos like PigPen in Charlie Brown.  There have been role models of this calm, grace, trust-that-it-will-work-out women sent to my life on a consistent basis, but it's only recently that I can look back and see the beautiful daisy chain of them all.  and i think maybe it's time for me to carry the torch, as well.
after weeks of number crunching, husband has come to see that there is no financial way to get a boat.  it breaks my heart to see his disappointment, but we will take the next year to get our war chest built up so he can walk in with a briefcase of loot and sail away.  till then, i'll have to be his dream boat.ok - time to shower & pick Mary up.  filter well, my friends!

Dear Remarkable Girl, When you wake up tomorrow morning, sweet friend, beside your bed will be all of the different pairs of glasses that you get to choose to put on to see your world through for the day. It is amazing how this very important decision changes everything, and deciding to put on glasses of truth, optimism, goodness and gratitude will make everything more beautiful, more bearable and ever more fun. The flip side is that we can all choose to put on glasses of fear, pessimism, anger, resentment and dread too -- and our whole day and everything we see and do will be seen through that kind of filter. Once again, it is amazing how this one important decision at the beginning of the day can change the way we see and experience EVERYTHING. Soooo beautiful girl, which glasses will you choose to put on? Remember that you can also choose to put down the yucky glasses and put on the good ones at any point in the day, and remember remember remember that when the day is over, put it all away and just BE. Reflect on the beauty of the day and just BE. You are so very very very loved. xoxox Need help or have question? Please contact support@bravegirlsclub.com

quieting

have been feeling the need to become quiet and centered...feeling a pull to the spiritual...feeling highly tuned intuition and sensory aspects of myself pulling me towards - what?  who knows, but there's a lot going on for certain...misunderstandings have led to friendships breaking and falling away...scattered limbs like pick-up sticks of once strong trees rooted in hearts...so many more misunderstandings coming full circle to deeper friendships after apologies and explanations - mouth of the snake grabbing her own tail making the bond even stronger, self now holding self...it's been a raucous few weeks as all this sifting and shifting and planting and nurturing has been going on...i felt myself begin to spin with it, till i was reminded to settle down by a friend.  this has, indeed, been the spring of new growth and change.  and feeling the need to step aside and feed my spirit, i said Yes to 3 days of magic...3 days that have danced just outside my grasp for a few years now...and now i see why, as a friend has jumped up to say Yes also...she will join me as the lake washes away and washes in, and eucalyptus and tea and shimmering moonlight restores our hearts and our spirits...thank you, eb.  thank you judi.  thank you barbara.  thank you kim. thank you broken branches.  thank you seedlings.  thank you all for what you are bringing.  i pray my offering to you is equal.

LATE NOTE: the image of the snake (above) came to me so strong and so undeniably right as i wrote those lines above - demanding my attention.  I looked up "snake" in my animal spirit guides book...i quote: You're about to go through some significant personal changes, so intense and dramatic that an old self will metaphorically die as a new self emerges.  you're going to feel a surge of energy that will sharpen your senses, alert your mental faculties, and open up new channels of awareness...you're about to experience a dramatic and unexpected physical or emotional healing very soon, coming from an unexpected source.
wowa.

monday's post #2

yes - still sitting at this desk.  In my pj's.  and it's almost time to start planning dinner.
yesterday was a push/pull of magic and emotions...we set out to an art exhibit in a nearby town, but i knew husband was just.wanting.to.see.a.boat.for.sale.  all like that.  so we changed course.  because i insisted.  and of course, we found The Perfect Boat.  of course.  well, mostly perfect.  the estimate he had on costs was quite a bit off.  and he is still having to pay for a loan he co-signed that has been defaulted on, soon to be joined by a second loan of the same ilk.  i know this is rubbing his insides raw, and i can't stop it.  it is as infuriating to me, with the added bonus of knowing this was a loan we agreed to absolutely not co-sign.  and he did.  so anyway - back to the magic.  Magic!  i thought The Perfect Boat was named "Magic," however it was something similar - i misread the paint.  the day was warm and a slight breeze from the south made it awesome.  we got some off-the-diet-by-a-lonshot food and ate near the lake, listening to the waves shush into the shore. such a beautiful day, following an evening filled with bonfires and neighbors and sweet re-establishing of friendships hidden in the winter snow.  funny neighborhood - all spring & summer, we gather around bonfires, kids toasting marshmallows and shrieking with the pure joy of being up past bedtime...dogs run free, running in circles around the cul-de-sac.  with the snow, we all retreat indoors...waving as we pass in our cars, but not really gathering.  Saturday was our first seasonal bonfire, and we had the added bonus of new neighbors - with kids!  there is something so lively about having a street full of children playing together like wild ponies.  the weekend brought a few tears when i realized my freedom to pick-up-and-go boat shopping or to stay out around a bonfire without watching the clock - this came at a price.  i no longer needed to make arrangements for someone to watch my diva.  husband knew where my thoughts would turn from time to time, and he let me have my moment while he hugged me.  yes, this is the same husband.  so.

a cousin's child has been given the archives of family photos from my beloved uncle who sold his house to live in a swanky senior place.  the pictures are being added to a photo page, and i check it everyday for new images.  so much comes rushing back, that's it's difficult to look sometimes.  i miss my father and wish i could have more time with him.  i miss the loss of family connections so very much.  and that's all i can say for now, i think.  there aren't words - just deep emotions.

so before i have you in tears, i should eat lunch and go finish my collage.

bye for now.

use your inside magic!

I pinged and ponged around some blogs and websites this morning and came across Elsa Mora's blog.  She is, well, go see for yourself.  I'll wait.  Here's the line that got me:

Was I was slightly smarter than my peers?  Probably not. Many of my screwed up neighbors and friends were smart, even though some  ended up in jail, or even dead. Was it that I was touched by some special light?    Not at all. Those stories about “special lights” are made to trick us into believing that good things happen only if something outside of us does the magic.

Today - wishing you shimmers and sparkles and a full comprehension of your inner magic!  Oh it'll be a great day!

such a happy song (?)  tumbling from ear to ear.  nothing like a ukelele to make it all good

to diva

(Brian Andreas)

yeah.  having a moment.

diamonds

my new musical obsession....







Well I spoke to this man,
He said he'd been to the moon,
Carved his name in the ground,
So the world spinning round
Came back that afternoon

And I laughed at this man,
He said he'd been lost at sea,
Heard the sirens call,
Seen the pirates fall
To the monsters in the deep

I said I'd heard some tall tales,
Some good stories in my time
So I asked him for proof,
And he showed me the truth
That was dancing in his eyes

Well I could not believe this man,
Said he was a millionaire
Said I know I dress in rags
But I drive a vintage jag,
And have diamond chandeliers

I said I think I need a drink
And made my way outside
You know I'd swear this was a spoof,
If it wasn't for the truth
That was dancing in his eyes

When I came back in the room
The man had disappeared
He'd left a rock from the moon,
An eye patch and a diamond from a chandelier

I think of my life’s work as a celebration of all of nature, an orchestra that plays not the sounds of one musician, the music of one species, but rather an expression of all of nature’s songs.Gregory Colbert
and so begins the very first glimmer into the amazing, wondrous look at the world through the eyes of Gregory Colbert.  Spend some time here quietly and reverently.  see everything.  everything.  everything.

free stuff? free stuff!!

it's true - I'm here procrastinating.  sort of.  I'm actually just taking a break between naps.  nah - I've been working like a steamroller this week, helping a friend get her office in tip top organizational shape.  it's one of my very favorite things to do.  As long as i get to do it my way at first, then tweak the system or layout so that it works perfect for the actual user.
and now i am starting on the layout of my "NeW" in-home studio.  yes, in-home.  I am letting my Big Girl studio go in July when my lease is up.  I am not being as productive as I should be there, although I love love love being in the midst of a community of artists.  I also like the option of rolling out of bed to paint or assemble, or staying up late to paint or assemble.  so the best option is to make my current home studio space naked.  remove everything (somehow) and lay down some vinyl flooring so that my paint & water don't seep through to the livingroom ceiling.  then i'll feel better about working at home again.  I spent the morning measuring the room and will be figuring out the layout at some point today. when i envisioned my huge work table turned sideways, rather than being a big block in the middle of the room, it all seemed wonderful.  the table has a cutout for my sewing machine, and my husband originally built it for me to make my massive quilts on.  i hate to cut it up, and now i see i won't have to.  just need to figure out a new configuration of the built-in shelves and spaces below it.  That will preserve the jewelry-making task area i already have, which works very well.
so in the midst of all this measuring and graph-paper drawing, i realized that it was easier to move bits of paper around, as opposed to mondo heavy furniture, so i googled decorating templates or something like that, and found Life Your Way printables.  Free printables.  That organize Your Life! and got sucked right into the vortex that is their website.  I have a true addiction to organizing (yes, that's my husband laughing).  i am a hoarder of tote bags and sterlite containers.  i just want to rodeo up my life, i suppose, and put it in order.  there - saved you a year's worth of counseling.  but if i am turned loose, i will organize.  husband just keeps stepping in the flow of it, wanting things his way, so it never gets done.  we standoff.  or gridlock.  children that we are.  but back to the free printables.  there are organizers for every single thing in life.  everything.  and i now need a binder to put all my lists and sheets of organizer thingies in.  i would just love to do this for a living.  organize.  and event plan.  but i should do something, i suppose.  so i'll go have a snack and get back to work.  or maybe go for a walk. or buy a binder.

the best and bravest week

                                                                                 (photo by Thea Coughlin)

how we roll

why do we make things so difficult??

imprint (or "talk to the paw")

yesterday's mail brought a bubble pack envelope addressed to my husband from an address i didn't recognize.  it is within my job title to open any & all mail that arrives here - no matter who it's addressed to.  i generally open everything, even his personal mail, because it gets lost in a huge vortex in his office...a babylon of junk mail, sailing magazines, work RFQ's, and probably snacks.  so i open and find the proper place for them.  this appeared to be yet another Camillus Knife won on ebay.  who needs so many?? but.  it's harmless and cheap, so i remain silent.  but instead of ebay winnings, out came a round white pancake which, when turned over, had a tiny paw print and some white fur-hairs embedded in it.  the name Nikki was stamped in a semi-circle around it.  and i don't need to tell you how emotional i got.  i took it over to the container with her ashes (that has her pretty-pink-collar-with-jewels-on-it around the box) and set it on top, next to Kita's and next to Bear's.  slightly in front, because that's how she rolled when she was alive.  I don't know how long it takes to heal over.  i wish i could say.  because people have asked...some wanting the information for their own heart, and some impatiently not understanding the grief that makes itself comfortable in your heart "even when it's just a pet" that you lose sight of.  i'll ask the cat, because (s)he's been constantly sleeping in all of diva's places...all the places that smell of her.  and i am not ashamed to say that i have a towel that smells of her from her last bath that i will never wash.  that when i feel most missing her, i take a big lungful of her.
i have a new friend from the building, Erin Meharg, who makes "vessels for newly sacred objects," which is reliquary jewelry.  I have the capability of making these for myself, but would never get through it.  so Erin & I will discuss.  She is a beautiful heart.  even if she just beat me out of a studio i wanted :)
so before i go on in this sad vein, which i never intended, it's shower time.  then meeting my stepson for coffee.
have a beautiful day.....

what a week of ups and downs and twists and turns moving waaay too fast and waaay too slow.  that about sums it up.  okay bye now.
well, there has been some amazing rumbling of an explosive geyser of goodness going on just below the surface.  and some amazing coincidences piling up to point in one direction.  not sure where it will lead, but am certain that the map will unfold for me, so i'm chillin as i walk.  mostly.  there have been moments of abject terror and surroundings of intense loneliness, but just as it seems like i am at the pinnacle of what can be endured, i'll get a PiNg of a text or email or phone call, and it was the exact right thing at the exact right moment.  so i will battle all that away, knowing it's a lie.

does the name "Dornan" mean anything to anyone?

so today i'm off to haunt my studio - am looking into a bigger one on the 2nd or 3rd floor...just missed one by a moment the other day!  i have faith & confidence that the right studio will be there at the right time and for the right price.  with zero income, it's hard to negotiate :)  I need a patron!  with $350/month extra cash laying around to pay my rent!  oooh that sounds so... haux.  but i will believe for it.

thank you.

wouldn't be prudent

yes.  i believe what i said about cosmetics and wigs and body image and the like.  however.  let me strongly  suggest - strongly, as in requirement - strongly, as in Trust Me On This - my advice is that you bring someone of sound mind with you, should you decide to make a (non-refundable) wig purchase.  yes.  sober and of sound mind.  because although i was yes indeedy sober, i have to question what the hell i was thinking when i walked out of Hot Cocoa's looking like a very cheap ho.  And to his credit, his absolute proof of manhood, my brother said nothing when we met for lunch, the 3 of us - myself, my brother, and my hair - other than mentioning that he noticed it Right Away And From A Mile Away, and in such a tone that belied his thoughts, which had he shared them must have been something like WHAT IN THE WIDE WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS IS SHE THINKING???  The Hell.
And i promise you, those that said they liked it, that i will not hold it against you - what could a person do in that position??  when asked, "so...?" knowing that the ask-er has been feeling like less than their fabulosity normally lets them feel...feeling a drifting purposelessness...feeling un-artistic and un-pretty and all those I'm So Exhausted lies that are perpetrated upon our brains as women when we, indeed, are tired.  and Lyme's is Tired with a capital "T."  that rhymes with toupe.
so the one strongly honest comment i got was an email response to a picture i sent - it said this:  

HA HA HA ...I would love it even more if it had some green tinge on the ends.  (i will not ID the writer)
and a text that said : Ummmmm...

please believe me that i appreciate your honesty - i truly do.  because i do not know what was going on in my head at the time Miss Cocoa was whipping fake hair on and off my head saying that I had gotten my sexy on for sure with this one.  she did stand between me and the dimly lit mirror quite a lot, and it seemed rude - even dangerous - to push her aside so i could get a real good look, and so intent was i on leaving there with some new bangin' hair, that, well, she could hardly be faulted.  i own this mistake.  i think i'll just walk away and give this mess to the photographer that originally got me all jacked up about spare hair.  and who knows, maybe with the right lighting, and the right camera angle, and a really really gaussian blur, this could be a good look.  for someone not me.
lesson learned.  will add it to the list of Things that keep me awake at night that do not matter at all in the large scheme of life.

so i wish you a great day, with love for yourself and love for those close to you and love enough to never lie when someone asks you if this hair makes their butt look big.

some insights & new rules

yes, i am healing, heartwise.  slowly and in unusual ways.  i still find myself with a tear sliding down my cheek at the oddest times, but that's to be expected.  and i open my heart to the moment and embrace it, but don't let it run wild and overwhelm me.
my body has been disrespecting me in a continuing battle for supremacy, with exhaustion and confusion making for some strange conversational tidbits.  however - during some good moments, i was having a conversation with a photographer in the building, and she asked me what part of my body did i love.  that led us down the most enlightening and exciting conversation i've had in a while about bodies and our relationships with them and how they do/don't represent the inside "us."  at the same time, another artist in the building gave me 2 huge HUGE filled-to-the-top shopping bags stuffed with cosmetics.  unused. long story there, but they were not stolen.  and i am the last one to stop and put makeup on, especially to go to my studio.  PSD is still speechless over her newfound largess of Urban Decay and Chanel.  but the irony of the two events back-to-back was not lost on me.  The photographer and i talked about when our bodies were young and strong and overflowing with sensuality of the 20-something sort.  and how life and children and life and jobs and life started chipping away at those hips and that flat belly and firm arms, and soon things got wider and larger and flappier.  and we talked about how those changes were allowed to happen and how they changed our perception of our Strength...or was it the other way around....hmmm...
we pointed to times when we felt most like the person we were meant to be, and decided that no matter what age that was, that the essence of that incarnation could fit any age we became.  that a self-assurance in that knowledge of Who We Were, and the acceptance and even the celebration of that person would make any fashion we chose to wear look appropriate.  does that sentence make sense?  (sort of wearing our Selfhood like that favorite comfy pair of jeans or moccasins.)   at the thought of celebrating the essence of who i am, in my soul - my spirit, i realized that the final cobblestones of the shield must go.  that i have allowed myself to become Not Me...realized that in order to live the life i chose to live, i couldn't do it to Me.  yes "to" mySelf.  I had chosen the easy way...the way that allowed for security in some sense, but restricted my ability to be my Self in her fullest incarnation of being. and oddly,  i had followed a similar path that my mother and grandmother had chosen, as well.  so it was no surprise that i look like them.  and i realized that the time i felt my Outward reflected my Inward the most was when i had long hair.  not a vanity.  a fact.  and in recent years, hairdressers that i've chosen have seen me in ways that i projected...ways that i felt...weary, old, fat, matronly.  and they cut my hair.  short.  Samson, i feel ya buddy. even as my intuitive self stayed strong, the threads of day-to-day being just frayed.  so tomorrow, or friday, i will buy new hair.  hair that is long.  hair that is in line with my Self.  I realized that as much as a foundation or blush would bring into alignment how a person would want their face to look, clothes and hairstyle could do the same.  the photographer pulled back her curtain to reveal a whole colony of wigs!  short black hairstyles, long blue hairstyles, mid-length auburn...whatever her mood.  i don't foresee a blue or purple one in my future, but ...
and once i get in focus, my photographer friend and i will be getting it down for all eternity.  and i will post it here.  promise.

yikes! it's been a while since my last post, but i've been snoozing pretty consistently... between the Lyme and the antibiotic for the Lyme, I've been tied up.  but...some goodness coming later today.  meanwhile, have an amazing day!

i should be packing for a brief overnight trip i leave for early tomorrow.  but here i sit.  all thought up with Adventure Planning pinging around in my head.  Event planning.  B-I-G event planning.  and the more i think, the more thoughts i have, and the more thoughts i have, the more excited i get.  it's always this way.  the idea starts out huge.  then grows. till it's impossible to get my hands around it.  or my head around it.  and then - it's just right.  i am the do-er of big things, it seems.  life, my life anyway, will putz along with barely a dimple on a radar...with barely enough snail energy to get from A to B.  then a meteor hits and sparks fly and soon, i am sucked into the great vortex of planning and cajoling and assuring everyone that It Will Be Soooo Good.  and then i worry that no one will show up and i start not sleeping and wondering what i was possibly thinking that i could ever ever pull this off.  every single time this happens.  and it always turns out pink frosting and glitter, so why do i worry?  it's how i'm wired, I suppose.  and this idea, this current tasmanian devil of an idea running rampant in my head (if you look me in the eyes steadily, you'll see it drooling and spinning past every few seconds) is hands-down The Biggest One yet.  so exciting.  and so here i sit in my regular clothes, but somehow with my bathrobe over them.  staring.
when i went to the bookstore today to buy Paulo Coelho's new book, there was a paperback near it that espoused a link between great leaders and mental illness.  Lincoln, Kennedy, etc.  Call me crazy, but that's a little disconcerting.  luckily, i am not a great leader, or even a good leader.  i am way too particular, and a certain type of control freak, to lead...that would imply that others were helping.  and maybe it's just that i would prefer the finger-pointing to be focused on me, should something go horribly wrong...that i don't want anyone else to feel at fault (except for the really bad vet mentioned a few posts ago, who is afraid to tell me that they lost diva's paw print, but i'm not going to make this one easy for her and that's a different topic).
so i should be packing.  and i hear the snowplow out front, and know i should leave for the train even earlier than planned, but have no way to reach my driver tonight.  so i should pack and sleep.  or at least lay down.  for someone with so much fatigue, i am having a difficult time with sleep.  damn you, Lyme.

so - here's the deal.  if you are my friend (and you know who you are), and we haven't talked/emailed/touched base in a while...i need to hear from you.  i know everyone is busy.  i am busy.  but i really need a quick email that says "hello," or i will know that our friendship is a fond remembrance.  

ok.  now to pack.

pick one

sorry i looked, but when i did - yesterday's sweatshirt-and-sneakers will clearly be replaced (again) by snow boots, hats, gloves, and all the armor against winter's drifts and drafts.  so i did what any self-respecting upstater would do - rolled over & went back to sleep.  then checked my inbox, after closing all the curtains, using the cat's philosophy of If I Can't See It, It Doesn't Exist.
my inbox.  among a bunch, these 2 stuck out....

Is there any point in sitting here at all:
courting luck without design; stretching out
a dry spell; groggily awaiting the occasional spark;
comforting myself in the knowledge
of what I might be capable of,
while watching my capabilities slipping by;
satisfying myself that I can’t sink any lower.
Then, sinking lower.
(I don't know where this quote originates, sorry.  I'm certain the sender was not the author, though)


Then this...


Sometimes we settle for a life that is not even close to what is intended for us. Sometimes we settle for relationships, jobs, places and situations hat we have the ability to change, but that we have become too comfortable with, even if those very things bring us feelings that that are unsettling to our core.
Mentally wake up today. REALLY look at what things in your life are not resonating with your beautiful soul. While we cannot change people, we CAN change the way we interact with them, changing almost any relationship into something beautiful. We can make our surroundings more beautiful, neat and organized, without spending any money. We can mend old fences. We can change many things about our careers. We can restore our spirits and treat our loved ones with extreme kindness and unconditional love. We can get rid of ratty old clothes in our closets that make us feel yucky. We can weed our flower beds. We can do so much to make a lovely place for our spirits to dwell. We don't have to settle.

(part of a BraveGirls message)

And even though they both, i suppose, speak of a life not lived in fullness, one message seems to be content to sit and wait for a magical force to strike and deliver the goods, while the other puts the power in the bearers pocket and says Just Do It.  i like that.  i have been feeling quite a bit like the 1st quote, with a spanky new studio and no inspiration.  People are kind enough to offer me all sorts of excuses - you're just settling in...there's been a lot happening in a few weeks, etc.  And yes, i could latch on to any one of those, and any one of those is correct and may be the answer.  However.  Do i want to live my life waiting? not so much.  so off to the studio again today.  this could be the day that it all breaks loose on my canvas!

stay warm today - in your heart and on your feet.
PS: Paulo Coelho has a new book out!! and here's a quote from it..
"Because Enthusiasm is the Sacred Fire" 

i knew you were treble ...

yes - post #3.  making up for lost time.  i just deactivated my facebook account.  i realized how impersonal the whole platform has made friendships.  sitting at a computer hitting "like" or "share" does not create or deepen a relationship.  it's a shorthand, maybe a quick note til later, but then there never is a later, right?  so - know that i care deeply about you and your goings on, and request that you take a moment to actually email me with your life's stories or hellos.  i will do the same.

tick tick tick

yes it's true ... the doc says Lyme disease for me.  i say No Thank You, but what does it matter what i say??  March has been a spectacular flop, in my humble opinion, but today RABBIT RABBIT RABBIT and here's to a fabu April.
yesterday, on a whim, husband and I went to Derby Hill...the weather was perfect to watch raptor migration...warm breezes from the south pushing tired wings.  right off the bat we saw 3 Golden Eagles, followed by a sky full of turkey vultures, then 3 bald eagles, and hawks, killdeers, meadowlarks, cranes, harriers...an incredible day.  there were a handful of watchers with us - most very experienced - to identify the variances ... red tailed hawk vs sharp shinned, and such.  i could have stayed all day, despite aching joints and cold feet.  i was glad for a hooded sweatshirt under a hooded fleece-lined wind jacket.  coulda used heavier socks.  we came home to a freshly painted livingroom, a new configuration of furniture, and a lonesome kitty.  he/she has been sleeping at the foot of my bed, where diva slept.  i came upstairs last night, and there was bulimia cat.  not going to leave the spot.  i knelt down and got nose to nose, and pet him, whispering good things about him and diva.  he sniffed at the covers and put a paw on my forehead.  that cat is crazy smart.

so here's what eagle has to say:
there is a new beginning for you in a positive direction following a recent period of strife, one in which you've gained a great deal of stamina & resilience. (holla).  it's a time for greater spiritual awakening and connection to the divine.  whatever you put out - positive or negative - will return to you more quickly than ever right now.  (I wish you all an incredible & prosperous month).

i have an idea i'm returning to that is huge, and will require outside funding, and will bring art from around the world to New York State.  it will be delicious.  Get your submissions ready...details to follow Very Soon!

if you go here, you'll find an incredible organization for arts information, and a funding site similar to Indiegogo and kickstarter.  this is one of the projects featured...love it...

This is a giant block of whatever is most difficult for you to carry & trust me on this, you'll carry it more times than you can count until you decide that's exactly what you want to do most & then it won't weigh a thing anymore.

- StoryPeople


today went by too fast, and too slow.  i was too tired to notice...thought i'd been in my studio for hours, but as i drove home, it turned out to be 45 minutes.  unproductive.  a tired day. a sad day. tomorrow - followups with the Doc, and hopefully an answer to all this.

meanwhile, Perfect Stepdaughter brought this animal home for a visit ...

 a friend's dog she is watching.  watching drool, mostly.  bulimia cat was freaked. pay no attention to the mess in the background - we're getting ready to paint, and everything's all over.  an early night tonight.

today i felt her...all around me, wherever i went, i felt her.  at the store, i kept thinking that i had to get home to walk her.  in my studio, i'd look at my clock, thinking it was time to go walk her.  or feed her.  and i could feel her around me...she seemed happy, if that counts for anything.  and i was happy for her.  and it came as no surprise that husband called from 3 hours away on a business trip to tell me that the Emergency Vet called him to let him know her ashes are there.  we can go pick them up.  i decided to wait for him to be home and come with me.  there was a moment where i wanted them here right here with me tonight.  but knew it would be better to wait.  i'm grateful for this time to properly heal.  mostly, i know it was the right decision at the right time, and that it will take a while for missing her part to ease into it's place.  bulimia cat has been staying very close, sleeping in all of her spots.  i told diva that now she could sneak up on kitty and scare the be-hay-soos out of him, like he did to her all the time.  i'm watching for it.
wednesday is my blood work follow up, and i hope to get started rebuilding this old body...spackling,  oiling the rusty parts, and doing whatever needs to be done to get back to a healthy state.  it's time to take care of myself better.  it has been a helluva year.

i'll finish my thoughts on the previous post some other time.  today, I'm running late.  i overslept, although "sleep" is a relative and nebulous thing.  Even with sleep "aids" it eludes me.  actually, it doesn't so much elude me as terrify me.  nightmares that would send Hitchcock to the studio in his bedclothes, excited to film.  waking.  sleeping. waking.  i work harder at night than i do during the day. and sometimes, the tendrils of a terror follows me to the daylight hours, so powerful an image has it cast.  and when i'm least on guard, it shrieks up in front of me.  i work hard to not let it show, or you'd probably never meet me at Starbucks.  but i am haunted, there's no doubt.  at times, the ghoulies go away, content to recharge themselves or perhaps hibernating.  who knows.  but then they return.  and there's nothing keeping them away.  so i go through the weeks in a half-asleep haze, having been kept awake half the night.  and husband wonders why a fulltime regulation job is just not in the cards for me. a cheerful post today, eh?  sorry.  i have a studio week planned - husband out of town, and me needing the time making, and the time in the community of makers.  maybe some garlic or a silver bullet will keep the terrors away...

fast or slow?

I read in our newspaper that COO of Facebook, Sheryl Sandberg, will be speaking nearby.  She has a new book to promote,  Lean In.  The book espouses her view that the women's movement has stalled...that women still do not have equality, presumably meaning in the workforce.  She urges women to ramp it up, nose to the grindstone, especially in those "difficult child-bearing years."  (that may not be an exact quote, just so you know.)  and most of what she says is true, from one perspective - the facts and figures of it all.  but.
i will take the view that women were fed a can of goo ...that we were told we could Have It All.  And that "all" was defined for us as a monster career track, beautiful & fulfilled & well-adjusted kids, a clean home, happy hubby, and a size 4 figure.  all before we turned 30.  and you can't.  just can't.  something has to give. (and i believe that's where the craft revolution got it's feet - old-fashioned, slow down making.)  I chose to Lean Back, i suppose.  i chose to hold life in my hand and gaze at it...to not just stop and smell the roses, but grow them and tend them.  and i will not have another round of women barging into the world telling other women that they need to step it up.  no sir.  i will not let another generation of women tell other women that unless they, too, stop sniveling-work harder-get tougher-achieve more, then they've failed.  all while wearing those ridiculous shoes with the 10" spike heels.  stop this madness, ladies.  just be.  it is okay to "drop back" and raise your children - they are literally our future, so i ask that you do it well.  it's okay to not want the corner office...there has to be worker bees to bring the honey, don't forget.  there are so many different choices in life, and Sheryl may very well speak to some women who want that corner office and fast track life where meetings & deadlines trump soccer and school plays and bedtime stories read while snuggling.  i don't have children.  i was a child once, though.  and my childhood memories are those spent sitting in a big green chair with my mother while she read every book Dr. Suess wrote.  at leisure.  then walking to the library and getting more books.  her only deadline was the check-out date.  and dinnertime.
but my point is that there are so many different ways to live your life, and I don't appreciate this next round of go-gettum women telling everyone else that they are The Problem.  i have more to say on this, and will be back later.  i'm going to brunch, and have a deadline for hair & makeup.

twang

so my life, these days, is a country music song...i lost my dog and my job in the same week.  my roots are grey, my feet hurt, and the juicy steak i've been saving for tonight - well tonight is FRIDAY and husband is a friday fish man.  that's the only nod to religion he makes, but it is a Rule of his.  so i work around it.  i have far more little glitchies, i suppose, that i feel are Important and Non-Negotiable.  so when i found this easy reference chart onWhere Happiness Is Found, I thought I would share.

There's an entire T-shirt with this chart in girls and guys sizes.  here.  And most of these are items you already have on hand, like glitter, gummy bears and sporks, so what the heck??? we should all just Be Happy, right?  I plan to gather those supplies, and ride my pink unicorn down to my studio today, since i had dreams all night last night, and the non-terrifying ones involved making art.  but first to dig out of the snow.

my heart is starting to heal a bit, and i am starting to get a realization that not only was diva's purpose fulfilled, but mine was, as well...to give her a good home and as much love as a human can muster.  she musta been wicked special to God  to merit the coincidences that took place in order for me to get her as my fur baby.  she was, and is, that special to me.  so - on to the unicorn chart.  which can also be a tshirt or iphone case and which is designed by a real live artist such as myself, but NOT myself in this case.  and i hope Cayetano gets his designs somewhere where he makes serious cash, because he is That Good.  I own some of his work, and perfect Stepdaughter even laid out her own cash for some of his work.  and he has a cool name.  His sister Carrie makes handmade books of the sort that make you not want to write in them, they are that wonderful and almost sacred.  i'll be helping her make her website, but her etsy shop is usually in-and-out, so if you see something - buy it quick! i just checked and it's empty at the moment - sold out.

they are both in the building where my studio is.  i love that.  so is Helen Carter, and Mike...the renegade seamstress and her hubby.  she is the genius behind Secret Lentil.  go to her website, and read the long passage on the front.  it's awesome.  they are awesome, the clothes are awesome.  own you some Lentil.  another friend-in-the-building is Edie Brown.  you meet her, say hello, and fall in love with her.  she's always smiling and uber-talented.  and she's in my former magic studio 261.  what's not to love?  she shares the studio with her best friend, and a painting i Must Own.

hey - i need a small couchlette for my studio, and after becoming unemployed yesterday, have cancelled my shopping trip to buy one new.  if you have one please let me know.  

i love that the unicorn has a bacon horn!

my body said NO to getting far from bed today, so I will listen.  no choice, actually.  In these days, husband and i are realizing how empty the house seems, and how full each others arms are.  our grief is drawing us closer, as we allow each other the distance or activity or closeness that is needed at the moment.  there is still a raw stripe down my heart, and i often find myself running to his office for a hug and a cry.  oftentimes, i find him there, tearful as well.  i am learning, again, about grief.  from a different head this time.  from an adult who has seen much grief, and knows it will follow it's own path, and that to deny it voice will not quash it - just delay it's roar.  so i whimper, cry, sob, holler - whatever is needed at the moment, knowing that it's a process of bringing a new reality into being...birthing a different way of getting around the world...this life after.  it's a shame that some don't understand the immense capacity for love that our pets have, and the huge void they leave behind.  i've been told i should go to the SPCA and pick out a new one.  and i know it was well-meaning.  but my dogs were like my children.  and i don't think there will be another in my life.  i am certain i cannot ever go through this again, even as i feel little bits healing and tiny realizations coming through.  so today is a tea in bed day, i think.  watching snow pile up on the deck.


the original post that started this blog, per your requests (not sure why some browsers won't go back that far):

2 weeks ago, I said goodbye to my best friend, my companion of 18 years-2 husbands-3 houses-millions of tears- 2 million smiles- 3 cars-4 dress sizes- 2 dogs- 1 cat-uncountable cups of coffee - 18,720 packs of cigarettes- 3 carpets - 6 jobs - and so many many of life's special wabi sabi moments sweet and dear. My dearest - my Kita - who taught me about love and patience and listening to the unspoken and seeing with the heart when there was no common language except the heart - except the essential - the essence of each...the appreciation of what each brought to other. just a dog, you may say. unless you've had a dog - shared your life with that constant companion who asks only for a scratch behind the ears (and 1/2 your hamburger) you can't understand. his coat absorbed the tears cried with my lifes anguish...his tail wagged when lightness came to our house. his dark eyes seemed to know the secrets i kept from the world. every night in the summer, we'd walk the neighborhood at 7 o'clock - the best part of the evening - and when dusk began to fall, he'd insist on stopping just outside the door in front of the stoop and sit with his back to me - still, quiet, looking out to the stars as if thanking his Creator for the day and all it had contained. 6 months ago, we said goodbye to my husband's dog Bear. A truly wonderful friend i had known a mere 6 years, yet mourned with my deepest heart of hearts. i asked him to save a place for Kita, knowing the time would be all too soon for the friends to reunite. when the evening came for Kita, i admit, i wasn't ready to say goodbye. it was the kindest thing, i know. his pain, his parts worn and weary. but how do you say goodbye to all that he is, was? i screamed and cursed the good that we had, for it made it that much harder to let him go. there is something so undeniably pure in the love you get from a dog....a love that asks for nothing in return - it just ...is. My youngest dog still looks for him. she goes to the spot he slept and sniffs for him. she mourns for him. Today, i received a package in the mail from the emergency vet we'd taken him to - some of the kindest, most compassionate people i've known. it was a plaster cast of his pawprint. i ran my finger over the dips and curves, so very glad for this one personal tactile remembrance. yet my heart tore and screamed. how long will my heart cry? how long will i mourn? i have a curl of his fur in a small jar on my desk with the quote from ee cummings on it "I carry your heart with me - I carry it in my heart." last weekend i took my little dog to the lake. I'm not the type to look for signs and messages - i just live my life and try to make the right decisions. but, i had been asking for a sign that Kita forgave me, for it seemed like we never got a proper goodbye with him in such a critical state. when i pulled into the grassy area by the boat launch, it looked as though someone had run a lawnmower over a large amount of paper - it seemed as though "confetti" was flying everywhere. when we got out of the car, i looked closer - Monarch butterflies - thousands of them - literally thousands. on a stop as they head out on migration. thank you, Kita for the show. my best friend, i love you to the moon and back.

blog wonky ....sorry...not sure what happened here but will fix it when i get the energy

the first day

i'll be honest with you, because i always am.  yesterday was the hardest day of my recent life.  and despite husband's tentative question about another dog "sometime," the answer is a clear & unequivocal  no.  never.
and i am learning to be honest with my grief, being in a different place entirely than when Kita died.  i am learning to let it have it's head...to let it come and go when it chooses...to sob fully - and loudly if needed, clutching my sides and howling...but also to let it ebb and not feel guilty for moments when my head goes to the normal places of Things That Need To Get Done, such as laundry.
i slept quite a bit yesterday, and slept through the night, waking early when bulimia cat wrapped herself/himself tight into a ball and slept against my belly.  diva's spot.
but in the midst of all this jumbled up stuff, i also feel an unwinding of tension, a letting-down of my hyper-alert guard...a little, then a lot.  this is the first time, really, since 1977 that i haven't felt responsible for someone or something's well-being.  First watching out for my mother, when my father passed away.  then a series of patently inappropriate boyfriends that were happy to let someone else worry about their recklessness with life.  then, of course, my Nikita, joined 10 years later by Nikki, my Diva dog, and 2 years after that by Bear, 2 stepchildren, a husband, new job, new house and a completely different way of living life.  the word compromise was a difficult one to add to my dictionary, as i felt i needed to control all things in order to ensure a good outcome.  a safe outcome.  one that didn't end up like a call to 911 that i would have to work, and fix.  slowly, the circle of responsibility has gotten smaller as we lost beloved ones Bear & Kita, and kids grew up & left home.  my hyper-alert mind never went on stand-down though, and it was beginning to take a toll on my body with disease and unease running rampant through my joints and body, making me their bitch.  sleep was something i tried to do sitting up at my desk for a few minutes when no one was looking.  a sleeping pill was out of the question - what if diva needed me in the night? what if i was unable to wake from a nightmare?  it's no secret, but you may not have known that i suffer from PTSD from my years at 911.  especially the last year.  especially the last month.  the one that ended in 9-11.  you may not realize all that was involved at my job in that regard, believing us to be safe at 5 hours away.  and still i am unable to tell what i know.  there was just no time that was mine alone...being a stepmom, a wife, a mom to Diva, Becky Home Ec-y.  I tried being a good friend, but between all the dust, i know i failed miserably - forgetting birthdays, forgetting coffee dates, getting ready to go meet up and having a panic attack and needing to stay home.
and i will be honest with you, because i always am here, traveling alongside the chainsaw of grief is a cool breeze...stardust sawdust.  for i am also feeling a lifting of the burden of responsibility and worry.  not to be confused - diva was never a burden to my heart.  never not ever.  i won't detail the nightmares that were churned up by worry.  nightmares slamming into an already overly creative horror show of theater, still from my 911 days.  and i have to wonder if those dragons will be easier to slay without the added worry.  yesterday was difficult, both in the decision and in the actuality of it...you don't think to ask a Dr if they've ever done this before.  but today i see where things may lead to a positive.  where worry will know it's place, and "control" will only be used in conjunction with the word "remote."
and i plan to spend the day in my studio - a place that has not registered much creativity...when i'm there, i feel i should be home with diva.  when i'm home with her, i feel like i want to be in the studio.  now, i feel a releasing of the ropes. a bit. slowly.  and i am willing to let them dwindle to a single golden thread - her heart to mine - which can travel with me anywhere.  and i believe that today i will make a sacred piece of art with some golden thread and some soft nuno felt and some Blue Jay feathers and some bling, because we decided, her and i, that she would either become a Real Princess, or a Blue Jay.  she was undecided.  but i suspect the princess gig is more her style.

tissue alert

way back when.  i typed my first post.  it was in response to the death of my beloved Kita.  the emotions and memories simply would not be contained in tears wept, sobs that echoed through my hallways, and through the forest as i walked Diva.  just the two of us then.  when the rawness whipped at me like a Bering Sea storm and caught me unawares at the the sight of a favorite toy, or his special dish.
Today, i come to you again, howling and without spoken words.  for no words will take on the daunting task of trying to express how i feel.  Diva is gone.
a dream came to me in the wee hours, after a night with little sleep - diva pacing and tapping my head constantly.  the dream - my father and his sister, Lillian, from whom i take my Hebrew name.  my father saying "give her release - she has fulfilled her purpose.  i will catch her."  and i realized how diva must long for release into a world where she isn't afraid of everything because she can't see it or hear very well or make sense of it.
i would come home, exhausted, and she would jump and wag and be like a puppy, knowing we were going out.  and i would take her, faithfully, for a walk through the woods.  knowing she had already had many accidents in the house throughout the day.  knowing that in a few short hours, she would start Sundowning and the pacing and blank stares would begin.  every night.  all night.  and her purpose had been fulfilled and then some...she taught me patience like i can't even imagine.  she was never an easy dog, as the vet put it recently.  and that was an understatement.
my only regret with the decision is that after 15 years of relationship with my vet, they couldn't find an opening in their schedule till monday night to give us this final compassionate act.  we were forced to go to the bville emergency vet.  they were very compassionate and did all the right things.  it was just hard for me to think that Diva had the added stress of an unfamiliar environment.
so today, i'll be gentle with myself.  i did the hardest part already, and cleared away as many toys as i could bear, not wanting an ambush of deep emotion.  today i'll nap and remember.

ok then i'll be the one to say it in print.  so far, 2013, you have sucked.

does everyone feel better now?  relieved that it's been said?

conversation after conversation I've had with my friends, and overheard conversations by total strangers.  and so far, it seems that 2013 would be voted completely off the calendar if it were possible. i know for me, this has been a bucking bronco of a ride the past few months, with change-ups and twists every hour some days.  riding high one minute, then BAM!  slammed to the ground, dusty, feeling broken in every spot, while the clowns try to distract that beast that threw you...while you wobble to your feet to gain some perspective, and possibly some bandaging.  but back up in the saddle we go, don't we?  rinse and repeat.  i have no answers.  just wanted to be the one to tell the truth of it all.

this is again a short post - diva is blooming full with Canine Cognitive Dysfunction...she paces endlessly from dusk till she falls asleep, getting lost in her familiar places of her own house.  it seems she only knows me at that those times - everyone else becoming a stranger.  i know, i know.  and yet, selfishly, she is my golden tether to this earth.  without her, i feel i have no real reason.  so i decide slowly.  but hopefully not too slowly.  she deserves dignity.

i'm done talking now...your turn...

so.
i have this job.  well, i've had it for about a month or 6 weeks-ish.  and there are things i love about it, and things that are...meh.  it's in an office and i have to get up wicked early, which means i have to go to bed wicked early, so during the week i do very little but sleep and work and eat.  which has been frustrating since i have a perfectly good studio 2 blocks away from my job.  which isn't getting used. because i'm either working or sleeping.
so.
i don't find my raison d'etre there, but i like it.  and am trying my best to figure out what the holy heck is expected of me...the job is very complex and very large.  i am simple and small.  well, short, anyway.  so it may not be a good fit.  and i have 2 probationary weeks to prove it does fit.  which on one hand doesn't freak me out - either it will work out or it won't.  stressing won't solve a thing.  but on the other hand, it's a matter of pride.  having never been bounced from a job (except for one excruciatingly hideous radio job where i made them fire me because the GM wanted me to quit because he didn't have the whatsis to fire me.  I believe there were words said to the effect of "You Aren't Man Enough To Fire Me, You Baton Rouge B-tard," just before i walked out of the room, terrified that i had actually said those words.  and we all silently agreed that i wouldn't be back).  So aside from that, i've pretty much just stayed at a job until the thought of returning made me want to eat my own hand off just to be able to call in sick.  but i sort of know this job doesn't have longevity written all over it for me, so i guess i'd just as soon get it over with.  i had been promised during my interview that they usually find somewhere else in the company for the wash-outs in this department.  and there is a revolving door of tearful trainees washing out, apparently.  the thing is, 2 women from my department just got to the point where they were chewing on their hands, and took the last two openings elsewhere in the company.  so it's do or die for me.  if i could get a paycheck just to stay home and be me, i'd grab it.  oh wait - that's Public Assistance.  sigh.
well, if anyone i work with reads this, i want you to know that i like my job and want to stay.  and i like YOU and want to stay so i can see you every day.  so say a prayer for me, because it will take an act of God for me to "get" this shit for real, and to get an audit score in the high 90's consistently.
and if i don't make it, then God had other things for me to do, i suppose.  and don't be mad if i don't get together with you after i'm unemployed.  i'm not a real social person, and honestly - i don't want to listen to you bitch about a job i just got unemployed from.  and lunch will be your treat forever.

it's spring-like on and off...ADK-ers call it mud season, and it sure looks like it in my backyard.  puppy-belly deep of mud and melted snow.  the owls are back in the woods, swooping and landing in trees very close to the path i take with diva.  mostly juveniles - the adults are careful to stay back or up higher.  a friend was attacked by a falcon while he was walking to his car last week.  it's a crazy time of year.  last saturday's peek at my Lake was enough to keep me going for some time, and has me energized!  i got to spend a precious few moments with a special friend on the 3rd floor this late afternoon...turned my perspective right 'round right 'round and i do believe i'll be working on some pieces down in James Bond +1...rather than making art for a specific show, or whatever, i finally got my head around making art just for making art...letting my fingers express my spirit once again.  and i believe there will be some STUFF coming out of this studio.
the winter has seen threads of friendship loosen, as everyone hunkers in and looks for light somewhere.   i am hoping those golden tethers reel hearts in close, now that the thaw has begun...there are some that just take my breath away with how much i am blessed to know them.  going months without hearing their voice is sad.  understandable, but sad all the same.  and to be honest, i've been in such a state mentally that i wasn't much good as a friend myself.  but i'm baaaack :)
so what's on the stove?  wellll...quite a lot!  i'm ankle deep in planning an honest-to-goodness art retreat, and an arts & crafts vendor opportunity locally.  (2 different events).  The retreat will be delish!  everything i've liked about retreats...everything others' have told me they liked about their favorite retreats...everything teachers told me THEY liked about their favorite retreats.  whew.  that's a lotta like.  more to come.  fine art, fine craft, fine food, fine fun.  and that's all i have to say for now.
it is time to snuggle my diva, which is what i mostly do these days - get up in the dark, walk the diva,  work all day, hurry home, walk the diva, make dinner, snuggle the diva, sleep.  rinse repreat.  i know!  much like the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, right?  without the high heels.  by the way, i'm thinking of putting together a workshop on how to set up a website.  1 day...you leave with a website.  free.  anyone interested?  email me for deets.  in fact - email me just to say hi - i get lonely too!

just a quickie - due to the fact that i am suddenly getting 30 or more spam "anonymous" comments sent to my phone for moderation (per day), I've turned off comments for a while.  mostly y'all email me anyway :)

it's been such a long while since i sat here talking to you.  wow.  2/28 to be exact.  and since then so much and so little has happened...so much is shaking out and so much tucking in...i freeze and thaw, and rage against injustice, my self, short sighted folks, cracks in the ceiling...anything and nothing.  i have always been brutally honest with you, and will continue today...let me say that i have never not ever judged someone based on their outwards...just their inwards and actions and intentions.  i have been unable, of late, to do myself the same kindness.  i have been at war with my weight, my hair cut, my crooked teeth, my wrinkles, all of it wrapped up into one and each separate part.  down to my toes.  after quitting smoking, and after taking Lexapro years ago, i began gaining weight at an alarming pace...moving from size to size before i could clip the tags from the next up size.  and when i got my results back from my "well" visit...oy vey...numbers off the deep end of the charts.  and winter lagging on is not helping matters at all.  at all.  my Big Girl job is going fine.  but ... my brandie new studio just 2 blocks away sits idle for the most part.  some days after work, i stop in and just smile in the middle of the room.  i have finally found fire in my belly and am eager to get it focused, and need to spend serious time ensconced.  right now, i am spending just 1 weekend day there.  period.  and am grateful for that, don't get me wrong.  but.  yet.  ach.  but it's all tumbling about inside and occasionally spilling out in the form of tears.  or a bad word.  and the thing that frosted my cupcake was that i finally made some time to get to my doctor to ask for help.  to say How Do I Get My Weight Out Of the obese range according to the internet?  how do i get healthy, cholesteral-wise?  and triglyceride-wise?  my hair...eh...it'll grow. but my exploding veins and lumps and bumps and whatevers - not such a cosmetic fix.  and my doctor was Too Busy to go through the list.  she stopped after sinus infection & UTI, and handed me a prescription for Augmentin.  and said Make Another Appointment and we can address the rest.  now, would that be before or after my heart attack?  but i'm being dramatic here. i suppose.  but my faith in the medical profession has gone pfft.  how do you find a good doctor?  word of mouth?  where do you advertise that you need a referral?  here?  let me know, please.  okay - i'm going to stop now and make some dinner.  i know - right in the middle - like my doctor.  former doctor.  but really i'm miserable and don't want to spread it around.  so goodnight and be well.  trust me - be well.  we are all on our own out here.

every evening i plan to sit and write an epic post about how my life is going (good) and how diva is doing (good) and how productivity is going in my studio (meh) but by the time i get home and walk the dog and make some dinner and get my school clothes ready for the next day, and maybe lunch ... it's time for bed.  and bedtime is earlier every day, it seems.  7pm, 8pm are sometimes feeling like midnight.  right now, i am getting tapped on by diva, the cat is swirling around my shoulders, i haven't eaten yet and husband just flew out of Chicago and will be home around 9.  past my bedtime.  but i should stay up to say welcome home.  i have SO MUCH news to share, and i promise to do that tomorrow.  Saturday latest.  don't hate me.

in my last post i promised to add some additional thoughts, and i never came back...too tired, and honestly - there is nothing left to say.  other than i am disappointed.  and a dozen or so women i know are disappointed.  women in their 40's & 50's want a gathering of substance.  we don't want to search our hearts or discover our journey or have to search for meals.  we want modern conveniences, even in a rustic setting.  we want to go someplace and have OUR needs met for a change, and hang with like-minded women.  take quality workshops.  eat good food.  and a bubble bath - UNINTERRUPTED - would frost the cupcake!  make it close to transportation, but away from hustle & bustle, unless it's NYC or Boston! and give me a choice of accommodations - whether i want a roomie or enjoy the luxury of a room all to myself.  that's what i want, and i'm certain i speak for many.  now - to the shower.  wishing you a day of knowing your mind.

i'm so so disappointed in what has become of a once-thriving art workshop scene...just a few years ago, the hardest thing was to pick one!  the offerings were coast-to-coast, with venues in the woods, on a beach, beside the ocean, in a huge canvas tent...any way you wanted it.  and the teachers and classes - ooo la la! so hard to pick.  the past few years, though, have seen organizers get lazy.  they seem to be riding on their reputation, or the rep that the event has gotten.  classes are thin, prices are higher, offerings are fewer.  some organizers have closed their camps after many many years.  Teesha Moore was the Organizer Extraordinaire - actually, i think the first to gather women and art and let the magic happen.  others came, and went.  and then the rage was all about online classes.  they were cheaper - no travel - and more convenient.  but it's the gathering together that creates the magic.  but - women are not going to throw down $1000-$1500 plus travel, PLUS supplies to just to gather.  more than anyone, we know the value of a dollar and how far it has to stretch and how we want a value for it.  so i would ask anyone out there who is thinking of planning a retreat for women - do it right.  put your soul into it, not just make it a semi-obvious money grab.  we women need to gather.  it's how we're wired.  that's all i have to say right now, but will be back on this topic later tonight after work.

did i mention - i work 2 blocks-ish away from my new studio?  yes.  true story.  there is a specific bathroom i can go in and look out the huge 4th floor windows and see the top floor of the building where my little slice is.  i got a quick visit in today, when i went to an opening at the gallery.  my favorite people in the world were there, too.  i have to say that i have been feeling the least creative ever.  aside from Rabbit Rabbit, not much has been produced there.  i have ideas and dreams, but get there and just want to put some music on and dream.  this weekend will be my time, though.  husband leaves for the west coast on sunday, and i plan a full day in the studio working on a little niggling idea.  there just isn't a lot of time after work - diva needs me!  but i'm not getting frustrated about it...just letting it flow and seeing where it will take me.  the cool thing is that one of the most special people in my life has a brand new office that practically shares a parking lot with my studio.  all attempts at a full night's sleep have been sabotaged by bulimia cat this past week, so i'm off to Z-Quil land tonight and tomorrow.  i've been a zombie at work, and that's not a great way to impress.
wil let you know the deets on studio time!

what i learned

so i guess it is still possible at this advanced age to learn something new.  and 3 things at that!  all in a day.  diva dog's near miss with the vet made me pull up, sit down and stop.  just stop.  do a check in with the swirl of debris surrounding me like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown.  see what needs to be filtered...see what needs to be held and looked at...see what needs a psychic shop vac to suck it away.  and here is the A#1 thing that I can share with you...actually the top 3...

#1...You will always find what you are looking for.  Look for the good, and you will find it.  Look for the bad, and you will find that.

#2...Always always trust yourself to make the best and most rightest decisions for yourself when it comes to the Self things.  no one else can do it for you.  do not be afraid.  and refuse to make those decisions for anyone else.

#3...The best words to hear are simply "I'm so sorry."  Period.  do not let someone else's time of need become your opportunity to tell your story.  and along those lines, don't ask what you can do.  just do it if you feel it.  (and chicken soup goes a long way.)

so that's it for now.  diva is being her old self...leaping for her leash, running the trails...as if to prove it was the best day of her life.  i know it's mine.

it is saturday morning.  and very very late last night, after my husband uttered the words "you don't have to do this, you know,"  after my swollen eyes had truly become mere slits and my face was stiff with tears that had dried and rewet my face between layers of puppy kisses...very much after that as i held my throbbing head with one hand and breathed in the scent of a paw holding my other...i decided again.  not caring that i just spent days wailing in print...feeling badly that i took a day off from my new job but not letting that factor into such a final decision...i re-decided that it was not the right timing for me or for diva.  she rallied somewhat remarkably yesterday - trotting along the trails and hopping up and down from her spot on the sofa like a champ...in general, acting in a way that would make me question the timing of such a decision.  and i know from experience that the questioning can haunt and haunt, and make a sad situation into a lingering & intolerable sleepless existence.  so, diva stays with me on this plane for now.  she isn't suffering any obvious pain...she is slower but we all are....she is suffering from Canine Cognitive Disorder, which is the doggie rendition of sundowning.  but I believe that is something we can work through.  whether it's for another day or week, month or year.  i will be grateful for even one more night with her.  and grateful to each of you for your warm hugs and kind words from close up and from afar.  now to hug my bug.

it's just so damn hard. and that is the truth of the matter.  i know this now even more deeply than i suspected i ever knew it before.  we walked this morning, diva and i.  we walked her favorite walk through the woods, and the echo echo tunnel, past the lake and the second pond and the monkey tree and the rhododendron potty place...past the house that was Snickerdoodles & then George's and now a big dog lives there, but we don't know her name.  she sniffed the air and paused at different spots, staring.  i doubled over with the pain of it all and howled as hard and as loud as if i was giving birth, not caring if the owls fled from their perches or the crows sat silent for once.  just hard sounds from my gut.  not caring about making the sounds that came from caring so deeply.  after a time, she would look back at me and we'd continue on.  home now, and upstairs, she paces and i continue silent sobbing tears.  stepdaughter called up the stairs to check if i needed a hug.  i cannot express how much i adore her.  she could never disappoint me.
for a person used to granting wishes, i have so so many of my own today....
i wish i wish i wish i wish i wish.....

1418

tissue alert.

1,418 posts since I began this little stream-of-consciousness letter to whomever stopped by.  wow.  many years.  many twists and turns.  much much growth and drama and stretches of boringness and philosophical thoughts and rants and rages and threats and sharing of heart friends and love-liness.  and waay back when, this little blog was started to pour out my heart after losing my best mandog ever, Kita.  i still miss him so.  and then Bear.  and on saturday, my diva will join them to romp the fields of Heaven.  i have to believe that vision, or it would just be impossible.  i'm taking tomorrow off from my new job.  yes, i know, just 4 days in.  but a job will always be there, and a puppy heart won't.  i wasn't much good today at work, with eyes swollen nearly shut.  as i left for the day, i knew there was just no way i would ever forgive myself for not spending the day with her.  not something a do-over would be possible on.  i called and left a garbled, soggy message and i know they'll understand.  if not, then they don't deserve me as an employee.  but i think they are good. and i hope my diva will understand.  she's been at grammies all week, and seems to be sliding some.  i owe her her final dignity for all the love and kisses and snuggles she's given me throughout the years.  many of you don't know that she started her life out as a bait dog.  when i got her, she weighed 7 lbs., had no hair and was all sorts of a mess. many surgeries and hugs later, she came to be the cranky, snappy dog you knew.  but she was all love to me.
so i will ask for your prayers Saturday morning, and that's really all i can bear to say now.

so this is how it will be

i guess a bi-monthly check-in is probably the best i'll be able to manage for a while...some swirling about going on...most good.  tomorrow, i start (another) new job, and am uber-hopeful that this will be The One for a while.  it's right down the street from my studio, and i could somewhat walk it during the day, if i had to.  like, if there were free donuts waiting at the end of the line.  but it's a super scary neighborhood after dusk, so there won't be much walking.  but it is just a 2 minute car ride, so i could pop over on lunch and nap or meditate or even paint if i wanted.  so the New Studio and New Job are good things.  i've already made some art in the space, although i'm really diggin the set-up portion of this adventure...interior design, new coffee maker, etc.  All stuff gifted! i want to keep it spare and uncluttered, as opposed to my home studio which has Special Items everywhere.  Today, i'll spend the afternoon down there, then probably won't make it back till next weekend.  and that may be a pass, too - i believe next weekend may be time for diva dog to go meet Kita across the Rainbow Bridge.  I have been putting it off for months.  she isn't sick, and not in any obvious pain other than her hips, but her dementia and failing eyesight/hearing have got to make her stressed.  every time i make up my mind to go, she rallies.  but she has been getting incrementally worse in the past few weeks.  a vet told me that "it's time when they require so much special care that it intrudes into your life."  at first i thought that was the least compassionate statement...intrudes into my life, indeed.  but then i realized what she meant.  animals are wired differently - any show of weakness makes them a target in the wild, and though our pets have been domesticated, they still have instincts imbedded.  and if i have to carry my pet up and down the stairs, and am kept up half the night with her pacing, and then sleep in a pretzel-twisted position in order to have my legs act as bumpers so she doesn't fall off the bed, well, maybe it has reached a point of being the kinder option.  she can't be enjoying herself too much when she is awake.  so it's been more my pre-grief that i've tried to come to terms with.  and i realized that i won't be able to, so it is time to do her the kindest kindness, to give her her dignity, and release her from her pain.  I know from my experience with Bear and with Kita that it will be a very very rough time.  although she has never been an easy dog - biting, growling, generally birth control - she has been my girl.  and she loves that pretty pink collar with jewels on it.  so i think i'll rub a little glitter into her coat before we go next week.  she will be at gramma's house this week, saying goodbye and having someone to watch out for her while i'm away at work.  as hard as it already is (i'm blubbering while i type now) i know i owe this to her for the companionship she's given me and the love she's given me.  and she'll take a million dried tears of mine with her, from years of crying into her coat.  and hopefully i've done okay by her.  and hopefully i will have the courage i need to send her on her way to play...