so.
i have this job.  well, i've had it for about a month or 6 weeks-ish.  and there are things i love about it, and things that are...meh.  it's in an office and i have to get up wicked early, which means i have to go to bed wicked early, so during the week i do very little but sleep and work and eat.  which has been frustrating since i have a perfectly good studio 2 blocks away from my job.  which isn't getting used. because i'm either working or sleeping.
so.
i don't find my raison d'etre there, but i like it.  and am trying my best to figure out what the holy heck is expected of me...the job is very complex and very large.  i am simple and small.  well, short, anyway.  so it may not be a good fit.  and i have 2 probationary weeks to prove it does fit.  which on one hand doesn't freak me out - either it will work out or it won't.  stressing won't solve a thing.  but on the other hand, it's a matter of pride.  having never been bounced from a job (except for one excruciatingly hideous radio job where i made them fire me because the GM wanted me to quit because he didn't have the whatsis to fire me.  I believe there were words said to the effect of "You Aren't Man Enough To Fire Me, You Baton Rouge B-tard," just before i walked out of the room, terrified that i had actually said those words.  and we all silently agreed that i wouldn't be back).  So aside from that, i've pretty much just stayed at a job until the thought of returning made me want to eat my own hand off just to be able to call in sick.  but i sort of know this job doesn't have longevity written all over it for me, so i guess i'd just as soon get it over with.  i had been promised during my interview that they usually find somewhere else in the company for the wash-outs in this department.  and there is a revolving door of tearful trainees washing out, apparently.  the thing is, 2 women from my department just got to the point where they were chewing on their hands, and took the last two openings elsewhere in the company.  so it's do or die for me.  if i could get a paycheck just to stay home and be me, i'd grab it.  oh wait - that's Public Assistance.  sigh.
well, if anyone i work with reads this, i want you to know that i like my job and want to stay.  and i like YOU and want to stay so i can see you every day.  so say a prayer for me, because it will take an act of God for me to "get" this shit for real, and to get an audit score in the high 90's consistently.
and if i don't make it, then God had other things for me to do, i suppose.  and don't be mad if i don't get together with you after i'm unemployed.  i'm not a real social person, and honestly - i don't want to listen to you bitch about a job i just got unemployed from.  and lunch will be your treat forever.