tissue alert

way back when.  i typed my first post.  it was in response to the death of my beloved Kita.  the emotions and memories simply would not be contained in tears wept, sobs that echoed through my hallways, and through the forest as i walked Diva.  just the two of us then.  when the rawness whipped at me like a Bering Sea storm and caught me unawares at the the sight of a favorite toy, or his special dish.
Today, i come to you again, howling and without spoken words.  for no words will take on the daunting task of trying to express how i feel.  Diva is gone.
a dream came to me in the wee hours, after a night with little sleep - diva pacing and tapping my head constantly.  the dream - my father and his sister, Lillian, from whom i take my Hebrew name.  my father saying "give her release - she has fulfilled her purpose.  i will catch her."  and i realized how diva must long for release into a world where she isn't afraid of everything because she can't see it or hear very well or make sense of it.
i would come home, exhausted, and she would jump and wag and be like a puppy, knowing we were going out.  and i would take her, faithfully, for a walk through the woods.  knowing she had already had many accidents in the house throughout the day.  knowing that in a few short hours, she would start Sundowning and the pacing and blank stares would begin.  every night.  all night.  and her purpose had been fulfilled and then some...she taught me patience like i can't even imagine.  she was never an easy dog, as the vet put it recently.  and that was an understatement.
my only regret with the decision is that after 15 years of relationship with my vet, they couldn't find an opening in their schedule till monday night to give us this final compassionate act.  we were forced to go to the bville emergency vet.  they were very compassionate and did all the right things.  it was just hard for me to think that Diva had the added stress of an unfamiliar environment.
so today, i'll be gentle with myself.  i did the hardest part already, and cleared away as many toys as i could bear, not wanting an ambush of deep emotion.  today i'll nap and remember.