Doing my best tonight...despite. Tomorrow may be a very big Tiny. Self-preservation reigns supreme.
Breathe.

Light

I've been feeling a bit restless, because although my Tiny Step initiative continues, I don't feel any closer to my Tiny House. ..I don't have land, I don't have a building trailer, no floor plans (official builders plans)... Just wishes and books and preparations.  Then I came across a snippet of a poem from TS Elliot...
Light
Light
The visible reminder of the Invisible Light.

And it was in an article I was reading in Taproot magazine, by Jenna Woginrich, about how she had a dream to live on a homestead/small farm.  And it resonated strongly with me...she was in her 20's (well, okay I'm slightly older), living paycheck to paycheck (same) , and only knew about homesteading from the books she read ...and says she couldn't really even afford the books!
This Tiny thing...I need it for so many reasons, on so many levels.  And reading and planning...those things are my evidence of my Invisible Light...my quiet dream...my endless possibilities.

"Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.  It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift". Mary Oliver

"Are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?"  Mary Oliver, again.

Time to shower, leash up Henry and go for a wooded walk.

today has been a day of tucking in, and moving forward at the same time.  first thing today (after silently thinking about my Tiny Step) was to open this email from TUT:

What if today was your "last" day, Linda, or this week was your "last" week, and heaven had 10,000 angels waiting to serenade you, dancers waiting to dance with you, and reporters waiting to interview you?

Is there a grudge you'd still hold? Something you'd still regret? An unhappy memory that would matter more than forever and ever? 


Of course, I focused on the "grudge" part, and yes, we know about that.  but there's also the "regret."  what would I regret?  Since the grudge part is not really a grudge, just a decision to stop being victimized.  so - regret.  and i think i regret not speaking my truth sooner or louder or honoring it more and standing firm by it.  instead choosing to be a peacemaker and "the better person."  which i've learned is actually just being meek and taking the path of least resistance, which becomes a spiteful & hateful seed that grows in your heart.  you can trust me on that.  as i took Hen on an epic walk on new-to-him paths, the crispy breeze whooshing in my ears, and crunchy leaves swallowing my feet, i thought about seeds and growing and what needs light and what grows best in the dank, dark.  besides mushrooms, but actually mushrooms are a good example - they are a fungus, and although delicious, my first "fungus" thought is of the yuk variety.  so the spiteful & hateful seeds got pushed deep down and swallowed whole, where they grew from my growing belly and when the tendrils reached my eyes, colored everything i saw.  picture it for a minute (wishing i could draw right now)…a brown-hared woman with a root ball in her belly, and the vines and tendrils growing up through her, looking like veins.  the vines take hold of her muscles and leach on, much like the parasitic vines in my back woods.  they stunt her reach.  they grow further still, till they come out her ears and cover her eyes.  all she sees is this spiteful & hateful vine in front of her…soon, even the sunlight is blocked…even her own beautiful reflection in the mirror.  in effort to take the "best" way or the "easy" way, she has become immobilized by spite and hate.  it will take a Tiny effort to remove those vines, starting at the eyes and working through.  
So i think you'll agree it was quite a walk!  
i made a brand new bucket list that feels so doggone authentic, that it makes me want to weep.  a partial list includes (in no particular order):
1) make a raised garden
2) keep honeybees
3) learn how to can - not just for a few pickles - the whole shebang
4) learn how to crochet & knit well
5) organize my pioneer classes (this is actually #1 in my heart)
6) go in a hot air balloon
7) snowshoe
8) float on my back in the ocean without sharks around
9) spend a week alone in a stone house on a hilltop
10) learn how to use my grill

that's all i have time for right now.  but the tucking in today was more like a walking meditation and refreshment for my spirit.  it has energized my heart, which was getting a few steps sluggish, and has moved my feet to tap.

wishing you seeds of bright, glowing sunshine growing in your belly, up through your heart and lungs and through your veins, out your ears and surrounding your eyes….may your every step and word and sight beheld make you smile so big, and may your sunshine warm those around you…even though.

nope - I haven't abandoned the Tiny Step Initiative!  I've just been too busy to come upstairs to my Big Girl computer to post.  too busy, and also, my wrists have been bugging me, so saving them for typing at work.  i am so grateful for my job.  love it.  I'm doing a Super Purge of my studio, so if there's anything you've been looking for, don't be shy - ask if i have it … if i do, and if it's in the "re-home" pile, then it's yours!
i have been working on a VERY special present for a VERY special person who's birthday is past by a few weeks…i feel terrible that it wasn't sitting there all shiny and wrapped on The Day.  but it is just needing something more and i have to wait on that.  i hope the delay will make it worthwhile.
I have a trip to texas coming up, and have TRIED to pack tiny, using just 1 carry-on.  but.  things just aren't MADE tiny sometimes.  like bulky yarn.  that takes up as much room as 2 pair of jeans.  so i may have to break down and check a bag.  i have a carry-on size suitcase, or a large suitcase - nothing medium.  dang.  i hope to be packed by sunday, so i can unpack and repack at least once, as is my habit  :)
okay - time to hit the purge…have a day filled with lightness and no baggage…..

yes yes and yes!  (from the etsy shop of Motivational Type)

Yesterday was the Best Day Ever…but that was yesterday.  today, will be the Best Day Ever!

Having decided to unload a bunch of Stuff,  new homes for it have been popping up everywhere!  so today I'm headed to the last day of the Margaret Bourke-White exhibit, then to lunch with my Best Brother Ever and his fabulous wife - bro's birthday.  After that…packing up some shiny gemstones to mail out to their new home(s)!  I have 100 lunch bag size ziplocks - hope that's enough!  

Henry & I just went for a walk through the woods path, and boy is it ever getting crispy out! Hoping to capture the duck soon, before the pond freezes…all her buddies came and went, after a short stopover.  even the heron is gone.  so time to put plan B into effect.  soon as I figure out what plan B is.  Right now - plan C for Coffee!

Have the Best Day Ever!

Best Day Ever! Again!

I have had some serious Best Days Ever these past few months…pushing through monsters and fears and things that make me want to say "oh, no thank you."  but fight and punch and push i did, and came out with some of my Best Days Ever! sometimes it was huge, sometimes it was a small victory - or rather what some might think of as small.  or not even something to have victory over.  like going to brunch with a group of 15 women that i don't know.  shaky shaky, but it was the Best Ever, and now I have a group of new friends.  organizing dinner and movies with the women on the block…not scary at all, but a Best Day Ever.  tonight - Best Night Ever!  raced from work to a dark parking lot downtown and overpaid for parking, but the attendant asked if i was going to be walking back alone and when i said yes, she made me MADE me park near the booth.  i walked to the hockey game alone, and met up with my brother & his wife.  It was incredible.  and even though i left my phone in the car by accident, the night was amazing & worry-free.  i talked about it non-stop at work - "I'm going to the hockey game!" all day.  it was the Best Night Ever!  Tomorrow will be another Best Day Ever! a hair appointment with Amy, then the Salt Market, then making goulash for my neighbor who is on bedrest for Lyme disease or staph - they haven't figured it out yet.  okay, so it wasn't enough to go to the game?? but the friendly man in front of me just retired from the local college - yes, the one I called today TODAY to find out about some classes.  his wife, who sat with him, is head of financial aid.  yes she is.  and the man in front of them?  head of the student counseling department.  now that was a mighty mighty set up, don't you agree?  how many pieces had to fall into place for that to happen?? my brother had to buy a voucher on a discount site for 2 hockey tickets, then decide to ask me if i wanted to go.  I had to say yes, even though i worked today and the game started 30 minutes after i got off work.  normally, i need more breathing time in between stuff, but i said yes.  i had to forget my phone in the car (who DOES that??) so i would be free to chat with this man, Ken, during intermission - when coincidentally, my brother and his wife decided to walk around for a bit.  an amazing chain of events, and that was just to get me there!  so you can see why i say Best Day Ever for some seemingly mundane things.  it just blows my mind to think of the Divine Planning.  i wonder of God slaps His head some times and says Oy Vey when things worked out, but were a close call.  so tomorrow, i can't wait to see what chain of events will string together.  Sunday is purge day!  need any rusty stuff, or jewelry making supplies?
also, i plan to make a list of the Best Days since May.  there are a lot.

maybe a clarification.
I am sensitive to clinical depression.  and nasty germs and disease trying to take over an outlook, a body.  I truly truly am.  I am traveling that road myself, with trolls under bridges and dragons to slay.  what i was saying was more of a fascinated epiphany within myself…that when i feel my steps slowing, the chango-matic of my outlook could be achieved.  i ab.so.lutely did not mean to suggest that y'all are big fat fakers or lazy or enjoying a romp through the muck of despair.  you know me better, and i thank you for that.  i also thank you for sticking by me in the worst of times and in the best of times.  it's often harder in the best of times - nothing is worse than feeling down, and being around folks who are whistling a happy tune, right?
i'm in the middle of an epic re-purge, and Henry just mistook the cat for a tough toy, so it's time to go.

(from Taproot)

"The struggle ends when the gratitude begins."
 - Neale Donald Walsch

I had a dream last night that was so good!  I struggled to remember every second of it, and despite having pen & paper by my bed, it was not meant to be.  pfft.  vapor.  but one image remained with me…opening The Big Box of crayons and thinking, "these are like my friends…each one different, yet each one amazing."  crazy, hunh? i remember just that.  and the feeling of gratitude that swelled.  all day i smiled as i thought about my periwinkle and navy blue and crimson and burnt sienna friends…actually my real friends in those colors - not the crayons.  i know, confusing.  but it was such a great way to wake up.  and i realized as i walked through the woods, that i have the ability to make each day wonderful.  no - not by magic or secret potion.  but by conjuring. no matter how bad the day is - even full on crap - at some point, you can make it better, or even fantastic, just by the turn of an attitude, or by sheer force of will.  now - before you start spitting at me, let me say that i know there are those close to me who are suffering some unthinkable medical and emotional stuff.  i am not Pollyanna and i am not suggesting that if you slap a smile on, then it's all so much better.  i'm saying that i have discovered that i have been wont to say "i woke up in a bad mood, so the day is crap."  Then living the day true to the prediction. Bringing the prophecy to light. Rather than noting that i feel that the day will be crap, but then changing it by taking some action to change it.  something like, walking in the woods expressly to find The Most Beautiful leaf, or by smiling hard and fake until i squeeze out an endorphin.  or by listing every single way the day is crap, and will stay crap, and may even get worse.  i sit with pencil and paper and a mug of coffee making a list.  it'll only go one of two ways.  and the power of the tilt lies in my hands.  it may not end up Scooby Doo fantastic whistle while you work, but it may just keep your toes on the upright side of the line.  and some days, that's enough and plenty.  and some days, i demand more.  so i had a long and elegant point, but now i'm exhausted - it's getting late and i have a long day tomorrow that includes a hockey game after work (!) thanks to my brother.  so the long & elegant point will have to wait.  but know that you are in control, even just a little bit sometimes, but enough most times.  and you are my favorite shade of grateful.

**ps:  I have too much of almost everything.  If you would like some assemblage materials or jewelry supplies, please email or comment.  they are not for sale.  they are a gift to you.

there are no bad decisions - just results of decisions to live with, whether they be good, great, or different than you expected.  but any way you slice it, who's to say that the decision you made wasn't actually the "correct" one?  Ha!  let that run circles in your head for a while!
Meanwhile, it's been a week or so since i actually purged anything from my over-abundance, and i've noticed that the less you give, the less you get.  it's true.  as i sort of let the Tiny Step Initiative "rest" for a few days (telling myself that staring vacuously into the computer screen at Tiny Homes owned by other people - people who actually went out and built - counted as prep) as I let the TSI rest, i noticed a slight slip toward my old attitude and semi-defeatism.  it's okay to enjoy the Very Best Days of autumn & Indian summer, but the sourpuss cannot come back onto my face.  that is rule 1.  which is difficult in this house at this time, but there's nothing to be done about it for now.  am awaiting a ruling from a pirate wench as to a new arrangement.  and trying to cram a week's worth of essentials into a carryon.  now we'll see who's ready for tiny!

Sitting outside on a warm day with the smell of Autumn surrounding me, and the wind whipping the leaves from the trees...Henry runs about chasing his ball. A perfect day!

... nothing is ever lost in this adventure of all adventures. The lessons and discoveries of every single life, no matter how large or small, difficult or easy, are added to the whole. Like stones in the base of a pyramid, they permanently raise and forever support every manner of adventure that follows. And so it is that the hearts of those who came first continue to beat in all subsequent generations forevermore. 

isn't THIS the coolest?? and nearby me.

an entire village of Tiny Houses that are amazing inside.  and they're all rentals.  built by the man in the picture.  Boiceville.  in Ithaca.

in other news, I'm reading Michael J. Fox's book Always Looking Up.  so far it's interesting, and the fact that he went from this healthy, active father, husband, movie star, TV star, etc etc, to dealing with Parkinson's every changing day is inspiring.  I want to bring my own sunshine…i want to surround myself with positivity.  and i've discovered the best way to do that is to BE the positive force.  i mean, every single person has a dumpy day or week or section of the road.  everyone does.  the difference is whether it becomes the norm, or if it doesn't.  and if the person seems intent on pulling at your ankles to bring you into the muck or not.  i have a deep undercurrent of ho-hum that licks at my heels.  but i try to blast it with happy, or at least a fake smile, to keep it at bay.  smiling is the best thing ever - it's like a magic chemistry is set in motion to release happy chemicals into your head.  as usual, not sure where this post is going, but the first word that popped into my head this morning, even before my eyes opened, was "Delight."  from nowhere - delight.  so i am expecting some delightful things today. it is de light all in here that makes me smile  :)

Last night was delightful - dinner and the movie Gone Girl for girl's night out.  a few of the other women commented that they were so thrilled that this group of us get together, because now they get to see movies that their husbands won't go to, and they themselves didn't want to go alone.  this makes me so happy to hear.  it is part of what i want to leave behind - to create community and empowerment in women.  even if it's just on my street!  but, as usual, i have a bigger idea…soon to be revealed. 

i wish you a delightful day, whatever delight means to you…be it a quiet day of tea and toast, or a loud, audacious day with trumpets blaring.  

today

today was a perfect day … I had a million errands to run and got all but 1 done.  whew.  the weather was peak perfect for this time of year…in no order (obvs) i snuggled in with Hen on the couch this morning and we agreed to open our eyes very very slowly and let sleep drag into the first moments of the day, and then stretch stretch stretch…good coffee awaited me, and a squirrel to torment out back was Henry's wakeup.  a trip to the studio, and to visit dearests, then home to pack supplies for Lucky Star.  i decided to ship my paints ahead, so as to avoid arrest at the airport :)  Also, i'll now be able to have just a carryon, and won't have to wait thru the baggage line.  the packing ahead is tricky…trying to cram everything into one of those "if it fits it ships" boxes.  oy.  it's like trying to get into my jeans!  plus the guy on duty at our PO said I'd have to pack the box, then bring it in to be weighed.  HUH??? it says right on the box "any weight."  but i knew i'd get nowhere with him, so i just said okay and will go back on monday when Giselle is there.  plus she speaks french to me (or swears.  how would i know?)
so now to get some heating pads on my feet which are having themselves a fibro flare and not at all perfect.  maybe a glass or 2 of wine will help.  too bad i don't drink.
good and perfect evening to you!

never enough

I know a person who's entire outlook is fueled and colored by feeling that he is getting ripped off by life - that he doesn't have enough…that he must hoard possessions and demand that things go his way so that he will feel that he has gained something…added something…won something.  he gives his heart only when there is an assurance that he will get. it's sad to see and difficult to be around.  conversely, i know 2 women who gives so freely of everything…possessions, sincere & encompassing smiles,  hearts, light.  they are people that others crave to be around. they each have more than they could ever need because as they give, it blesses those receivers so darn much that they want to reciprocate.  their legacy is one of strong daylight, filtered through love.
Thank you Penny.  Thank you Charlotte.  your influence is my treasure.  may i pass it on with half the grace that you have shown me.

heads up that this blog may disappear - blogger is doing some bizarre things and making me link google accounts and asking for some very private info.  it took 10 minutes of wrangling to get here, and I hope it will post.  if you want to continue to read this blog if i change sites, please email me or post a comment, and i will be sure to update you if that happens.

Anyway - i came back here tonight to delete my previous post.  i mean - what was i thinking?  who knows?  a crappy-ish morning…maybe the eclipse…who knows.  but i remain ever hopeful in Tiny and me.  and now, for your listening pleasure….

(a big chunk of this post was deleted because it was just Too Crabby)
...I have spent too much time being a slave to my art supplies and studio space. i have too much "in case I feel like making with this" and Know with certainty that the very minute i decide to get rid of my jewelry making supplies, i will have a deep need to make jewelry.  but i have to pick, if i am to be light and travel worthy.  so today's Tiny Step will be to hone in on what i Love, and what I do even if i don't LOVE it, and what i don't love but keep anyway.  i think that's a week's worth of Tiny Steps!
be tiny, my friends... and in the tiny, you will find space for the perfect.

my friend Kim (WHO HAS A BIRTHDAY THIS WEEK) sent me a fantastic video, and i don't think she'd mind me sharing it with you, because it's just so true…

i've been working hard at remaining sunshiney…it's been so so easy these past months - since the Tiny Step Initiative was born.  and i must say it feels good to not propagate ugly…i've always been the type of person who needs to incessantly "talk it out" when something tilts my world, but lately that practice doesn't seem to serve a purpose in my life anymore.  yes - i do need to vent, and i try to vent to Henry only.  sometimes it just needs a human ear, though.  and i apologize if that ear was yours, but know that i am grateful grateful grateful for your understanding.  it feels so much better to share a smile rather than  a nasty bit.  and although yesterday was a screeching plan crash of a day, the evening was wonderful, and the part in between with Shimmer and the tennis ball - that was so good.  cold, but good.  Thank you both for letting me stand by the warmth of your friendship.  now, to try to finish up a Very Special Birthday present, which isn't looking like an on-time present, much to my dismay…..
wishing you enough tennis balls and a Shimmer to chase them till you're both exhausted.

Maybe it's the crispy night, or maybe the cuddly quilt tucked in around me, but either way I'm feeling content in a way I haven't for many years...feeling powerful and satisfied.  Not "powerful " in a ready-for-a-fight way, or chip on the shoulder way. More like an I Can Do This way.  Over the summer, I've learned some amazing lessons, and made friends with the monsters under my bed.  We have a healthy respect for one another - I allow them to stay as working guests...not as the Big Bads roaming as they please. They will remain to kindly tap my shoulder when there is something I need to  perhaps take a closer look at.  They will not be allowed to screech and grawk and enclose me in fear.  They have been reduced to cuddly little gremlins. I have re-learned, these past few months, that I Am Able.  That I may not know how to do something, but am damn skippy able to figure it out/ask for help/find someone to do it.  I most enjoy doing it myself.  I'm feeling a Pioneer spirit, and am impatient to get rolling with it.  I feel like I've been asleep for a very long while, and am re-learning myself.  One thing I'm adding to my Tiny Steps is this...because it has to be...I am adding a weight loss goal.  When I realized I was spending $450/month on smoking, I knew it was time to quit.  So I did.  And promptly gained 60 pounds.  Yes.  So my weight loss goal is not a vanity thing. I simply cannot move about in this world as I would like.  I actually feel less healthy as a non-smoker because of this.  Smoking changes your metabolism.  So, yes, quitting was good, but now it's time to change the after effects.  I want to be able to snowshoe and xc ski and simply walk a flight of stairs properly. I want to see outwardly what I feel inwardly.  So the walking plan will begin again.  To start.  It has been a night of reflecting back, feeling satisfied and wonderful with all that's been accomplished, and planning for forward movement, one Tiny Step at a time.

PS

todays mantra… "A PATH APPEARS"

saturday

a perfect day…the wind and rain overnight moved the leaves from my patio to the fenceline, saving me hours worth of work…i slept in moments last night, my brain busy with thoughts it wouldn't reveal to me…my ears caught the sound of rain smattering on the windows, and i wished i could open the window to let the breezes through.  this morning, Henry clouded himself up in the comforter and snuggled in close.  i have a white down comforter, and he manages to walk in circles enough to make a nest of it with high sides, and a Henry in the middle like a small caramel drop.  not much of a morning dog, preferring to pace about at night looking for bugs to play with or sneaky sneak mama's socks out to play.  

Once the coffee brewed, deliciously strong and fragrant, i began a pot of 15 Bean Soup.  it's that kind of day.  my fall and winter routines beginning to dust themselves off…nag champa burning in the house, my pink beaded slippers re-found, my cozy comfy periwinkle fluffy robe traded for the pink waffle weave.  this year i have the Tiny Step Initiative to keep me from going under, i suspect.  a plan, a purpose, action & movement towards a goal.  i won't give darkness a moment to get a foothold.  it really is a lot of shimmer here, in a way that almost seems surreal…in a way that makes me wonder, "ah, so this is normal."  moving forward, and not stuck in the dark muck of an unrealized dream.  reaching past myself and pushing myself past my limits - or so it seems! 

Grateful for gratitude - for being able to see the light in everything…grateful for feeling healthy, and for continuing to push myself past some physical thresholds.  stretching in so many different ways.  and now - to load the car with canvas, and paints, and tables, and off to the studio.

wishing you a cozy day with a good book and some sweet cupcakes!  Shimmer, my friend, shimmer!

"The canvas, which is to say the unconscious, considers [the painter's] first stroke, and then it tells the painter's hand how to respond to it - with a shape of a certain color and texture at that point there. And then, if all is going well, the canvas ponders this addition and comes up with further recommendations. The canvas becomes a Ouija board." - Kurt Vonnegut

PS

I cannot express how perfect a day it is...the breeze...the leaves...the scent of fall...smiling so big....hmmm maybe a campout tonight?

Todays Tiny Step was to sit down with graph paper and a pencil (with a good eraser!) and start boxing in my plan for where i want a bathroom and a kitchen and a sleeping loft, etc.  Yesterday I started a Tiny list of things I wasn't willing to give up or downsize, so I know what I need to make space for and trade for, rather than building a Tiny and trying to squish everything important in.  I am so so lucky, and very grateful for those who blazed the trail so far…i can borrow from one idea and add to it or subtract from it or move things around like Colorforms (remember them?) it's easier when others have done the trial-and-error and the I Didn't Think About That's ahead of time.  For the most part, anyway.  I'm reading Big Tiny on my nook and am enjoying it a lot…just a few swipes in, and already a few ah-ha's.  i'm a little frustrated by what seems like a stall in the action, but know that the timing is not in my hands, and it will be Perfect.  I would love to do some Pioneer Girl workshops, and am kanoodling some things and percolating some others…soon to be revealed!  Meanwhile, I'm loving my job, and hope it's reciprocal…so far, my key still works in the door!  A slow start to the day while I waited on my hands, but now it's time to roar…wishing you a crispy fall day with the piney smells of the season!  Henry says "I is a leaf."

and I believe…

go Trish go!

this is what i meant...

from April at aatinyhouse

* Every object you own is a relationship: I have mentioned before that getting rid of almost everything I owned gave me a new appreciation for the trulymeta – as in beyond – physical value of some possessions; some objects are not the same in memory as in your hand. Not because the object is the memory, but because the object informs the memory. You need some things. You miss some things. Yet, what’s wonderful about life in the tiny is you do really get to know your “things.” You have to consider the use value, emotional or physical, for everything you own. That awareness begins to infiltrate seemingly insignificant daily decisions.  At the end of the week, you only have a quart’s worth of garbage (that’s nice). This tiny life brings a subtly massive reorientation of perspective; small moves add up, though some objects become worth their thingy-ness because they feed what is beyond the immediate – what is a relationship between you, your possessions, and the lives beyond and before them. Tiny living means owning less stuff, but the stuff you own begins to mean more than possession.

lest you thought i forgot you, or was slowing down on the Tiny Step Initiative…nope.  just trying to fit everything in to the time before work AND make sure Henry has his energy diffused or DEfused!  so it's been tiny half-steps…mostly i've been bringing Hen's BFF over in the morning so they can run and tussle out back together.  They need watching to make certain no one ends up at the vet.  Henry has perfect camo in the leaves...

 i've been organizing my art supplies for the switchover, and have to admit it's a bit overwhelming.  so that's been moving slowly…but moving.  i've been weirdly tired…almost falling asleep at work, and hope it's just the season's changing, or perhaps a touch of a cold.  Sunday's kayak adventure still replays in my mind, with the sweet, calming smell of balsam coming back to remind me of a perfect day.  no time to drop off paints today, but definitely tomorrow.  deciding on the shelves.  i know - i'm boring you.  told you i was weirdly tired.  okay, lunch and to work…meet you back here tomorrow or maybe later!