the first day

i'll be honest with you, because i always am.  yesterday was the hardest day of my recent life.  and despite husband's tentative question about another dog "sometime," the answer is a clear & unequivocal  no.  never.
and i am learning to be honest with my grief, being in a different place entirely than when Kita died.  i am learning to let it have it's head...to let it come and go when it chooses...to sob fully - and loudly if needed, clutching my sides and howling...but also to let it ebb and not feel guilty for moments when my head goes to the normal places of Things That Need To Get Done, such as laundry.
i slept quite a bit yesterday, and slept through the night, waking early when bulimia cat wrapped herself/himself tight into a ball and slept against my belly.  diva's spot.
but in the midst of all this jumbled up stuff, i also feel an unwinding of tension, a letting-down of my hyper-alert guard...a little, then a lot.  this is the first time, really, since 1977 that i haven't felt responsible for someone or something's well-being.  First watching out for my mother, when my father passed away.  then a series of patently inappropriate boyfriends that were happy to let someone else worry about their recklessness with life.  then, of course, my Nikita, joined 10 years later by Nikki, my Diva dog, and 2 years after that by Bear, 2 stepchildren, a husband, new job, new house and a completely different way of living life.  the word compromise was a difficult one to add to my dictionary, as i felt i needed to control all things in order to ensure a good outcome.  a safe outcome.  one that didn't end up like a call to 911 that i would have to work, and fix.  slowly, the circle of responsibility has gotten smaller as we lost beloved ones Bear & Kita, and kids grew up & left home.  my hyper-alert mind never went on stand-down though, and it was beginning to take a toll on my body with disease and unease running rampant through my joints and body, making me their bitch.  sleep was something i tried to do sitting up at my desk for a few minutes when no one was looking.  a sleeping pill was out of the question - what if diva needed me in the night? what if i was unable to wake from a nightmare?  it's no secret, but you may not have known that i suffer from PTSD from my years at 911.  especially the last year.  especially the last month.  the one that ended in 9-11.  you may not realize all that was involved at my job in that regard, believing us to be safe at 5 hours away.  and still i am unable to tell what i know.  there was just no time that was mine alone...being a stepmom, a wife, a mom to Diva, Becky Home Ec-y.  I tried being a good friend, but between all the dust, i know i failed miserably - forgetting birthdays, forgetting coffee dates, getting ready to go meet up and having a panic attack and needing to stay home.
and i will be honest with you, because i always am here, traveling alongside the chainsaw of grief is a cool breeze...stardust sawdust.  for i am also feeling a lifting of the burden of responsibility and worry.  not to be confused - diva was never a burden to my heart.  never not ever.  i won't detail the nightmares that were churned up by worry.  nightmares slamming into an already overly creative horror show of theater, still from my 911 days.  and i have to wonder if those dragons will be easier to slay without the added worry.  yesterday was difficult, both in the decision and in the actuality of it...you don't think to ask a Dr if they've ever done this before.  but today i see where things may lead to a positive.  where worry will know it's place, and "control" will only be used in conjunction with the word "remote."
and i plan to spend the day in my studio - a place that has not registered much creativity...when i'm there, i feel i should be home with diva.  when i'm home with her, i feel like i want to be in the studio.  now, i feel a releasing of the ropes. a bit. slowly.  and i am willing to let them dwindle to a single golden thread - her heart to mine - which can travel with me anywhere.  and i believe that today i will make a sacred piece of art with some golden thread and some soft nuno felt and some Blue Jay feathers and some bling, because we decided, her and i, that she would either become a Real Princess, or a Blue Jay.  she was undecided.  but i suspect the princess gig is more her style.

tissue alert

way back when.  i typed my first post.  it was in response to the death of my beloved Kita.  the emotions and memories simply would not be contained in tears wept, sobs that echoed through my hallways, and through the forest as i walked Diva.  just the two of us then.  when the rawness whipped at me like a Bering Sea storm and caught me unawares at the the sight of a favorite toy, or his special dish.
Today, i come to you again, howling and without spoken words.  for no words will take on the daunting task of trying to express how i feel.  Diva is gone.
a dream came to me in the wee hours, after a night with little sleep - diva pacing and tapping my head constantly.  the dream - my father and his sister, Lillian, from whom i take my Hebrew name.  my father saying "give her release - she has fulfilled her purpose.  i will catch her."  and i realized how diva must long for release into a world where she isn't afraid of everything because she can't see it or hear very well or make sense of it.
i would come home, exhausted, and she would jump and wag and be like a puppy, knowing we were going out.  and i would take her, faithfully, for a walk through the woods.  knowing she had already had many accidents in the house throughout the day.  knowing that in a few short hours, she would start Sundowning and the pacing and blank stares would begin.  every night.  all night.  and her purpose had been fulfilled and then some...she taught me patience like i can't even imagine.  she was never an easy dog, as the vet put it recently.  and that was an understatement.
my only regret with the decision is that after 15 years of relationship with my vet, they couldn't find an opening in their schedule till monday night to give us this final compassionate act.  we were forced to go to the bville emergency vet.  they were very compassionate and did all the right things.  it was just hard for me to think that Diva had the added stress of an unfamiliar environment.
so today, i'll be gentle with myself.  i did the hardest part already, and cleared away as many toys as i could bear, not wanting an ambush of deep emotion.  today i'll nap and remember.

ok then i'll be the one to say it in print.  so far, 2013, you have sucked.

does everyone feel better now?  relieved that it's been said?

conversation after conversation I've had with my friends, and overheard conversations by total strangers.  and so far, it seems that 2013 would be voted completely off the calendar if it were possible. i know for me, this has been a bucking bronco of a ride the past few months, with change-ups and twists every hour some days.  riding high one minute, then BAM!  slammed to the ground, dusty, feeling broken in every spot, while the clowns try to distract that beast that threw you...while you wobble to your feet to gain some perspective, and possibly some bandaging.  but back up in the saddle we go, don't we?  rinse and repeat.  i have no answers.  just wanted to be the one to tell the truth of it all.

this is again a short post - diva is blooming full with Canine Cognitive Dysfunction...she paces endlessly from dusk till she falls asleep, getting lost in her familiar places of her own house.  it seems she only knows me at that those times - everyone else becoming a stranger.  i know, i know.  and yet, selfishly, she is my golden tether to this earth.  without her, i feel i have no real reason.  so i decide slowly.  but hopefully not too slowly.  she deserves dignity.

i'm done talking now...your turn...

so.
i have this job.  well, i've had it for about a month or 6 weeks-ish.  and there are things i love about it, and things that are...meh.  it's in an office and i have to get up wicked early, which means i have to go to bed wicked early, so during the week i do very little but sleep and work and eat.  which has been frustrating since i have a perfectly good studio 2 blocks away from my job.  which isn't getting used. because i'm either working or sleeping.
so.
i don't find my raison d'etre there, but i like it.  and am trying my best to figure out what the holy heck is expected of me...the job is very complex and very large.  i am simple and small.  well, short, anyway.  so it may not be a good fit.  and i have 2 probationary weeks to prove it does fit.  which on one hand doesn't freak me out - either it will work out or it won't.  stressing won't solve a thing.  but on the other hand, it's a matter of pride.  having never been bounced from a job (except for one excruciatingly hideous radio job where i made them fire me because the GM wanted me to quit because he didn't have the whatsis to fire me.  I believe there were words said to the effect of "You Aren't Man Enough To Fire Me, You Baton Rouge B-tard," just before i walked out of the room, terrified that i had actually said those words.  and we all silently agreed that i wouldn't be back).  So aside from that, i've pretty much just stayed at a job until the thought of returning made me want to eat my own hand off just to be able to call in sick.  but i sort of know this job doesn't have longevity written all over it for me, so i guess i'd just as soon get it over with.  i had been promised during my interview that they usually find somewhere else in the company for the wash-outs in this department.  and there is a revolving door of tearful trainees washing out, apparently.  the thing is, 2 women from my department just got to the point where they were chewing on their hands, and took the last two openings elsewhere in the company.  so it's do or die for me.  if i could get a paycheck just to stay home and be me, i'd grab it.  oh wait - that's Public Assistance.  sigh.
well, if anyone i work with reads this, i want you to know that i like my job and want to stay.  and i like YOU and want to stay so i can see you every day.  so say a prayer for me, because it will take an act of God for me to "get" this shit for real, and to get an audit score in the high 90's consistently.
and if i don't make it, then God had other things for me to do, i suppose.  and don't be mad if i don't get together with you after i'm unemployed.  i'm not a real social person, and honestly - i don't want to listen to you bitch about a job i just got unemployed from.  and lunch will be your treat forever.

it's spring-like on and off...ADK-ers call it mud season, and it sure looks like it in my backyard.  puppy-belly deep of mud and melted snow.  the owls are back in the woods, swooping and landing in trees very close to the path i take with diva.  mostly juveniles - the adults are careful to stay back or up higher.  a friend was attacked by a falcon while he was walking to his car last week.  it's a crazy time of year.  last saturday's peek at my Lake was enough to keep me going for some time, and has me energized!  i got to spend a precious few moments with a special friend on the 3rd floor this late afternoon...turned my perspective right 'round right 'round and i do believe i'll be working on some pieces down in James Bond +1...rather than making art for a specific show, or whatever, i finally got my head around making art just for making art...letting my fingers express my spirit once again.  and i believe there will be some STUFF coming out of this studio.
the winter has seen threads of friendship loosen, as everyone hunkers in and looks for light somewhere.   i am hoping those golden tethers reel hearts in close, now that the thaw has begun...there are some that just take my breath away with how much i am blessed to know them.  going months without hearing their voice is sad.  understandable, but sad all the same.  and to be honest, i've been in such a state mentally that i wasn't much good as a friend myself.  but i'm baaaack :)
so what's on the stove?  wellll...quite a lot!  i'm ankle deep in planning an honest-to-goodness art retreat, and an arts & crafts vendor opportunity locally.  (2 different events).  The retreat will be delish!  everything i've liked about retreats...everything others' have told me they liked about their favorite retreats...everything teachers told me THEY liked about their favorite retreats.  whew.  that's a lotta like.  more to come.  fine art, fine craft, fine food, fine fun.  and that's all i have to say for now.
it is time to snuggle my diva, which is what i mostly do these days - get up in the dark, walk the diva,  work all day, hurry home, walk the diva, make dinner, snuggle the diva, sleep.  rinse repreat.  i know!  much like the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, right?  without the high heels.  by the way, i'm thinking of putting together a workshop on how to set up a website.  1 day...you leave with a website.  free.  anyone interested?  email me for deets.  in fact - email me just to say hi - i get lonely too!

just a quickie - due to the fact that i am suddenly getting 30 or more spam "anonymous" comments sent to my phone for moderation (per day), I've turned off comments for a while.  mostly y'all email me anyway :)

it's been such a long while since i sat here talking to you.  wow.  2/28 to be exact.  and since then so much and so little has happened...so much is shaking out and so much tucking in...i freeze and thaw, and rage against injustice, my self, short sighted folks, cracks in the ceiling...anything and nothing.  i have always been brutally honest with you, and will continue today...let me say that i have never not ever judged someone based on their outwards...just their inwards and actions and intentions.  i have been unable, of late, to do myself the same kindness.  i have been at war with my weight, my hair cut, my crooked teeth, my wrinkles, all of it wrapped up into one and each separate part.  down to my toes.  after quitting smoking, and after taking Lexapro years ago, i began gaining weight at an alarming pace...moving from size to size before i could clip the tags from the next up size.  and when i got my results back from my "well" visit...oy vey...numbers off the deep end of the charts.  and winter lagging on is not helping matters at all.  at all.  my Big Girl job is going fine.  but ... my brandie new studio just 2 blocks away sits idle for the most part.  some days after work, i stop in and just smile in the middle of the room.  i have finally found fire in my belly and am eager to get it focused, and need to spend serious time ensconced.  right now, i am spending just 1 weekend day there.  period.  and am grateful for that, don't get me wrong.  but.  yet.  ach.  but it's all tumbling about inside and occasionally spilling out in the form of tears.  or a bad word.  and the thing that frosted my cupcake was that i finally made some time to get to my doctor to ask for help.  to say How Do I Get My Weight Out Of the obese range according to the internet?  how do i get healthy, cholesteral-wise?  and triglyceride-wise?  my hair...eh...it'll grow. but my exploding veins and lumps and bumps and whatevers - not such a cosmetic fix.  and my doctor was Too Busy to go through the list.  she stopped after sinus infection & UTI, and handed me a prescription for Augmentin.  and said Make Another Appointment and we can address the rest.  now, would that be before or after my heart attack?  but i'm being dramatic here. i suppose.  but my faith in the medical profession has gone pfft.  how do you find a good doctor?  word of mouth?  where do you advertise that you need a referral?  here?  let me know, please.  okay - i'm going to stop now and make some dinner.  i know - right in the middle - like my doctor.  former doctor.  but really i'm miserable and don't want to spread it around.  so goodnight and be well.  trust me - be well.  we are all on our own out here.

every evening i plan to sit and write an epic post about how my life is going (good) and how diva is doing (good) and how productivity is going in my studio (meh) but by the time i get home and walk the dog and make some dinner and get my school clothes ready for the next day, and maybe lunch ... it's time for bed.  and bedtime is earlier every day, it seems.  7pm, 8pm are sometimes feeling like midnight.  right now, i am getting tapped on by diva, the cat is swirling around my shoulders, i haven't eaten yet and husband just flew out of Chicago and will be home around 9.  past my bedtime.  but i should stay up to say welcome home.  i have SO MUCH news to share, and i promise to do that tomorrow.  Saturday latest.  don't hate me.

in my last post i promised to add some additional thoughts, and i never came back...too tired, and honestly - there is nothing left to say.  other than i am disappointed.  and a dozen or so women i know are disappointed.  women in their 40's & 50's want a gathering of substance.  we don't want to search our hearts or discover our journey or have to search for meals.  we want modern conveniences, even in a rustic setting.  we want to go someplace and have OUR needs met for a change, and hang with like-minded women.  take quality workshops.  eat good food.  and a bubble bath - UNINTERRUPTED - would frost the cupcake!  make it close to transportation, but away from hustle & bustle, unless it's NYC or Boston! and give me a choice of accommodations - whether i want a roomie or enjoy the luxury of a room all to myself.  that's what i want, and i'm certain i speak for many.  now - to the shower.  wishing you a day of knowing your mind.

i'm so so disappointed in what has become of a once-thriving art workshop scene...just a few years ago, the hardest thing was to pick one!  the offerings were coast-to-coast, with venues in the woods, on a beach, beside the ocean, in a huge canvas tent...any way you wanted it.  and the teachers and classes - ooo la la! so hard to pick.  the past few years, though, have seen organizers get lazy.  they seem to be riding on their reputation, or the rep that the event has gotten.  classes are thin, prices are higher, offerings are fewer.  some organizers have closed their camps after many many years.  Teesha Moore was the Organizer Extraordinaire - actually, i think the first to gather women and art and let the magic happen.  others came, and went.  and then the rage was all about online classes.  they were cheaper - no travel - and more convenient.  but it's the gathering together that creates the magic.  but - women are not going to throw down $1000-$1500 plus travel, PLUS supplies to just to gather.  more than anyone, we know the value of a dollar and how far it has to stretch and how we want a value for it.  so i would ask anyone out there who is thinking of planning a retreat for women - do it right.  put your soul into it, not just make it a semi-obvious money grab.  we women need to gather.  it's how we're wired.  that's all i have to say right now, but will be back on this topic later tonight after work.

did i mention - i work 2 blocks-ish away from my new studio?  yes.  true story.  there is a specific bathroom i can go in and look out the huge 4th floor windows and see the top floor of the building where my little slice is.  i got a quick visit in today, when i went to an opening at the gallery.  my favorite people in the world were there, too.  i have to say that i have been feeling the least creative ever.  aside from Rabbit Rabbit, not much has been produced there.  i have ideas and dreams, but get there and just want to put some music on and dream.  this weekend will be my time, though.  husband leaves for the west coast on sunday, and i plan a full day in the studio working on a little niggling idea.  there just isn't a lot of time after work - diva needs me!  but i'm not getting frustrated about it...just letting it flow and seeing where it will take me.  the cool thing is that one of the most special people in my life has a brand new office that practically shares a parking lot with my studio.  all attempts at a full night's sleep have been sabotaged by bulimia cat this past week, so i'm off to Z-Quil land tonight and tomorrow.  i've been a zombie at work, and that's not a great way to impress.
wil let you know the deets on studio time!

what i learned

so i guess it is still possible at this advanced age to learn something new.  and 3 things at that!  all in a day.  diva dog's near miss with the vet made me pull up, sit down and stop.  just stop.  do a check in with the swirl of debris surrounding me like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown.  see what needs to be filtered...see what needs to be held and looked at...see what needs a psychic shop vac to suck it away.  and here is the A#1 thing that I can share with you...actually the top 3...

#1...You will always find what you are looking for.  Look for the good, and you will find it.  Look for the bad, and you will find that.

#2...Always always trust yourself to make the best and most rightest decisions for yourself when it comes to the Self things.  no one else can do it for you.  do not be afraid.  and refuse to make those decisions for anyone else.

#3...The best words to hear are simply "I'm so sorry."  Period.  do not let someone else's time of need become your opportunity to tell your story.  and along those lines, don't ask what you can do.  just do it if you feel it.  (and chicken soup goes a long way.)

so that's it for now.  diva is being her old self...leaping for her leash, running the trails...as if to prove it was the best day of her life.  i know it's mine.

it is saturday morning.  and very very late last night, after my husband uttered the words "you don't have to do this, you know,"  after my swollen eyes had truly become mere slits and my face was stiff with tears that had dried and rewet my face between layers of puppy kisses...very much after that as i held my throbbing head with one hand and breathed in the scent of a paw holding my other...i decided again.  not caring that i just spent days wailing in print...feeling badly that i took a day off from my new job but not letting that factor into such a final decision...i re-decided that it was not the right timing for me or for diva.  she rallied somewhat remarkably yesterday - trotting along the trails and hopping up and down from her spot on the sofa like a champ...in general, acting in a way that would make me question the timing of such a decision.  and i know from experience that the questioning can haunt and haunt, and make a sad situation into a lingering & intolerable sleepless existence.  so, diva stays with me on this plane for now.  she isn't suffering any obvious pain...she is slower but we all are....she is suffering from Canine Cognitive Disorder, which is the doggie rendition of sundowning.  but I believe that is something we can work through.  whether it's for another day or week, month or year.  i will be grateful for even one more night with her.  and grateful to each of you for your warm hugs and kind words from close up and from afar.  now to hug my bug.

it's just so damn hard. and that is the truth of the matter.  i know this now even more deeply than i suspected i ever knew it before.  we walked this morning, diva and i.  we walked her favorite walk through the woods, and the echo echo tunnel, past the lake and the second pond and the monkey tree and the rhododendron potty place...past the house that was Snickerdoodles & then George's and now a big dog lives there, but we don't know her name.  she sniffed the air and paused at different spots, staring.  i doubled over with the pain of it all and howled as hard and as loud as if i was giving birth, not caring if the owls fled from their perches or the crows sat silent for once.  just hard sounds from my gut.  not caring about making the sounds that came from caring so deeply.  after a time, she would look back at me and we'd continue on.  home now, and upstairs, she paces and i continue silent sobbing tears.  stepdaughter called up the stairs to check if i needed a hug.  i cannot express how much i adore her.  she could never disappoint me.
for a person used to granting wishes, i have so so many of my own today....
i wish i wish i wish i wish i wish.....

1418

tissue alert.

1,418 posts since I began this little stream-of-consciousness letter to whomever stopped by.  wow.  many years.  many twists and turns.  much much growth and drama and stretches of boringness and philosophical thoughts and rants and rages and threats and sharing of heart friends and love-liness.  and waay back when, this little blog was started to pour out my heart after losing my best mandog ever, Kita.  i still miss him so.  and then Bear.  and on saturday, my diva will join them to romp the fields of Heaven.  i have to believe that vision, or it would just be impossible.  i'm taking tomorrow off from my new job.  yes, i know, just 4 days in.  but a job will always be there, and a puppy heart won't.  i wasn't much good today at work, with eyes swollen nearly shut.  as i left for the day, i knew there was just no way i would ever forgive myself for not spending the day with her.  not something a do-over would be possible on.  i called and left a garbled, soggy message and i know they'll understand.  if not, then they don't deserve me as an employee.  but i think they are good. and i hope my diva will understand.  she's been at grammies all week, and seems to be sliding some.  i owe her her final dignity for all the love and kisses and snuggles she's given me throughout the years.  many of you don't know that she started her life out as a bait dog.  when i got her, she weighed 7 lbs., had no hair and was all sorts of a mess. many surgeries and hugs later, she came to be the cranky, snappy dog you knew.  but she was all love to me.
so i will ask for your prayers Saturday morning, and that's really all i can bear to say now.

so this is how it will be

i guess a bi-monthly check-in is probably the best i'll be able to manage for a while...some swirling about going on...most good.  tomorrow, i start (another) new job, and am uber-hopeful that this will be The One for a while.  it's right down the street from my studio, and i could somewhat walk it during the day, if i had to.  like, if there were free donuts waiting at the end of the line.  but it's a super scary neighborhood after dusk, so there won't be much walking.  but it is just a 2 minute car ride, so i could pop over on lunch and nap or meditate or even paint if i wanted.  so the New Studio and New Job are good things.  i've already made some art in the space, although i'm really diggin the set-up portion of this adventure...interior design, new coffee maker, etc.  All stuff gifted! i want to keep it spare and uncluttered, as opposed to my home studio which has Special Items everywhere.  Today, i'll spend the afternoon down there, then probably won't make it back till next weekend.  and that may be a pass, too - i believe next weekend may be time for diva dog to go meet Kita across the Rainbow Bridge.  I have been putting it off for months.  she isn't sick, and not in any obvious pain other than her hips, but her dementia and failing eyesight/hearing have got to make her stressed.  every time i make up my mind to go, she rallies.  but she has been getting incrementally worse in the past few weeks.  a vet told me that "it's time when they require so much special care that it intrudes into your life."  at first i thought that was the least compassionate statement...intrudes into my life, indeed.  but then i realized what she meant.  animals are wired differently - any show of weakness makes them a target in the wild, and though our pets have been domesticated, they still have instincts imbedded.  and if i have to carry my pet up and down the stairs, and am kept up half the night with her pacing, and then sleep in a pretzel-twisted position in order to have my legs act as bumpers so she doesn't fall off the bed, well, maybe it has reached a point of being the kinder option.  she can't be enjoying herself too much when she is awake.  so it's been more my pre-grief that i've tried to come to terms with.  and i realized that i won't be able to, so it is time to do her the kindest kindness, to give her her dignity, and release her from her pain.  I know from my experience with Bear and with Kita that it will be a very very rough time.  although she has never been an easy dog - biting, growling, generally birth control - she has been my girl.  and she loves that pretty pink collar with jewels on it.  so i think i'll rub a little glitter into her coat before we go next week.  she will be at gramma's house this week, saying goodbye and having someone to watch out for her while i'm away at work.  as hard as it already is (i'm blubbering while i type now) i know i owe this to her for the companionship she's given me and the love she's given me.  and she'll take a million dried tears of mine with her, from years of crying into her coat.  and hopefully i've done okay by her.  and hopefully i will have the courage i need to send her on her way to play...

ok while i'm waiting for my grey roots to become brown, because the chances of being interviewed by someone shorter than me is slim....another quick post.

yesterday i met (up close) my new bff in flight - Fontaigne...

never realized how freaking smart these birds are till we met.  when she comes out of her cage, she goes over to the cabinets and starts opening them using the knobs (looking for a treat).  she has a broken wing that cannot be repaired, so she'll be around for life, pecking at anything knee height or lower.  actually, just above the knee.  nurse!

in other news, recent news, like just now news - it seems Fontaigne may be smarter than me!  I accidentally set my phone timer to 10 hours instead of 10 minutes!  not horrible if you're baking a cake - i mean, you'll smell it burn.  but when you're coloring your grey roots for an incredibly important job interview in the morning, whew, i gotta say this about tops it all.  add in the near hurricane winds predicted for the day, and this may be a competition best-effort to get there.  darn it with the timer thing...what the heck anyway??  i only say "darn" in case my new employer googles my name and reads this blog post.  but i really had other more sinful words on the very tip of my tongue.  and for real, guys. haven't i had enough already with these little tricks?

so go here and meet my other new friend - not in flight.  well, maybe in flight - her work is just gorjus.  this is a very small peek, and i must say that what i see in her studio makes me weep.  why do you think i'm working??  to buy her artwork.  and AND to pay for my *drum roll* studio!  more later....cross your fingers please

my motto for the year:  if it feels good & right, do more of it.  If it feels bad, do less of it.

i still contend that my Intention Word for 2013 is correct: reset.  As in hearts, lives, beliefs, paths & journeys.  reset - going back, re-doing it the right way, starting over from scratch, throwing out the baby and the bathwater and moving forward - lighter & leaner & truer.  getting back on course from the drift.  un-softening your eyes for a bit to see if where you drifted was where you deep down darn-it want to be, or if it is just the popular place to be.  big word, "reset."

so many friends' tightly held truths slipping to the ground and crashing into bits ...so many friends telling of being sideswiped by a reality they never saw, or chose not to see, or saw fully but chose not to believe...that feeling in your gut that was pushed aside - now seems relevant and true...and as grateful  as we women are for our "women's intuition," how quick we are to ignore or not trust it...how many times we doubt what we should believe.  i am finding that i have little patience for the same old song and dance, and am not accepting hurtful, lax or bad behavior into my realm any longer.  no excuses allowed.  friendship is hard work, and i do accept that many have long periods of time where the mental effort of a conversation (in person, on the phone or in print) is just too much to bear. i raise my hand to this also.  however - a quick "xox" response takes nothing, and is everything sometimes.
oy another rant.  it's just that i am very often the repository for people's pain...and i often unwittingly hear both sides of a commotion, so i know who did what to whom.  and sometimes it just comes down to hurt feelings that could have been avoided if the most basic communication had been employed.  and sometimes it's that you put off what should be most important to you:  communication with those who's heart is tethered to yours.  or vise versa.
this year, i believe i will see, and hear of, many heartstrings being cut...many women simply saying "enough" and cutting ties with those women who have taken their friendship as a given, and not nurtured it properly.  There is no "business as usual" within a friendship - it is an ever-changing organic thing.  add hormones to the mess, and you really need to feed the monster (ever see Little Shop of Horrors?)
so comparing a sweet, wonderful, thoughtful friendship to an out-of-control weed...?  well yes.  get past.  i assure you if we email, we are friends.  and i am a constant communicator, so beware.  i don't often expect an epic missive in reply, but i do expect a response within a few days, unless accident or illness prevents.  i do.  and if you are no longer interested in how i am, or what i do, that is certainly your choice  - i don't pretend to be the world's Most Interesting Person, and you may need more excitement in your attachments.  simply don't respond, and from this point forward, i will consider us acquaintances, rather than friends (you can't "un-know" someone).
I say all this because female friendships are so so important, and we are wired for them.  as far back as cavewomen time - the men went out to kabong dinner over the head, and the women stayed behind together doing the laundry or whatever they did back then.  women have always gathered.  and whether the gathering is of two or three, or 20 or 200, there is a release of spirit that comes when we gather...a sprinkling of golden light that surrounds like-minded women gathered together for the purpose of enjoying one another's company and learning from each other.  each woman has a purpose in the group - whether it be teacher, learner (yes - "learner" is a purpose),  edifier, whatever...you've seen it, felt it.  and the further from home you gather, the closer to your deepest Self you are able to get to.  that's where the gold is.  the gathering cannot be forced or repeated exactly ever again.  each person in each moment will never not ever be the same, so each moment will never be the same.  does that make sense?  There was a retreat i went to one year, and decided to return the following year because the experience was so over the top.  guess what? it was a letdown at first because it wasn't the same.  of course, silly rabbit! i realized this truth - that each moment holds it's own magic, never to be repeated - and accepted the week for what it was, all on it's own.  the following years had an artificial ring to them - a trying too hard to be the first year, so i stopped going.  maybe it was just time for me to wander elsewhere, and that's where the feeling came from.  and that happens too - both in physical spaces, or in friendships...sometimes it's just time to bid a fond farewell.
i'm not sure why this tangent took me here, but there is a reason, and i hope you hear the message if it was for you.
for me?  right now i have a furry Diva Dog at my feet who wants to go for a Big Walk in the balmy drippy day.  so off we will go - her wish is my command.
love each other today...



that's all for now

well, my studio is pretty much gutted & packed away - except for my painting stuff, collage stuff, and jewelry stuff.  which is a lot of stuff still.  but all the rusty metal and wood and goo-gaws for assemblage are packed away.  there was too much stuff, and i needed to make room for my little twin daybed that replaced my papasan chair in the reading corner.  i like the twinny so much better - fat folk should not endeavor to get in or out of a papasan.  just sayin.  (side note - PSD bought me a shirt that says Fat Amy Is My Homegirl!  love it!  watch Perfect Pitch).  but anyway.  i now have room on my worktable to do little collages and make my journal books and Special Phrase books.  Just.Loving.It.  My job was a 1-week wonder.  after a week of diva being at Camp Grandma, and me sleeping on the twinny to avoid the snore-a-saurus, i decided that at this point in my life, there was no need for this type of life modification for Any Reason, mortgage, surgery, sailboat, hell or high water included.  so i let them know that i knew that it was not a good fit for me.  or them.  and poof was gone.  lovely company.  excellent pay & bennies.  not for me getting up at 4:30am and driving an hour.   am still diggin the twinny though.  it's like camping out.  a little short, but i curl up.  so if you want an awesome papasan, it's for sale.  the pattern above.  they aren't making them anymore, so it's a real collectors item!  for those who've asked, diva is hanging in there - she doesn't seem to be in pain, but also doesn't seem to be real with it a lot of the time.  especially at night.  it's like sundowning in alzheimer's patients, almost. when the evening comes, she paces and paces and seems like she's lost.  very difficult.  but then the next morning she seems normal for an old lady.  difficult decisions.
okay - off to make 5 ATC's about fairy tales.  now what would i know about fairy tales?? *teehee*

yes, i know

i know i said i was packing up and moving on, and most likely you have left this little scrap of cyberspace, and i'm sitting in an empty room talking to myself.  probably.  most likely.  however and still...
you know me.  you know i am a compulsive sharer.  you knew weeks ago that i'd never not ever be able to not be back.  and you knew better than I did, because i was sure i was done.  and maybe i should remain done.  maybe my rants have grown cynical.  maybe my point of view on some matters makes people uncomfortable.  maybe.  and if so, thank goodness i'm alone in this room talking to myself.  Because i strongly and fully believe that each person has a right to believe what they may.  and even when proof and common sense and their gut tells them otherwise, they have a right to go forth in whatever direction they decide.
i think i decided to cut our conversations short last month because i was about to reach a breaking point, a pinnacle, and didn't want to spew the nasty bits here to sit forevermore.  but i'm past the bursting point, and on to the part where the deflated begins to rise again, hopefully not overfill once more.  and after the explosion burnt ears here, and after tears and wails and wringing of hands and all manner of dramatic motion ceased, it was time to examine the bits left behind and decide what to take back to the lab, and what to leave behind for the earth to reclaim.
and here is what i kept...still in disheveled form, but a quick inventory of most items and a longer look at a few....
i put too much salt into what some others were serving, taking at face value that what they were saying (for a fee) was what their heart brought forth.  it wasn't.  it was just a really cool come-on for their rent money.  and once i realized this, the set of dominos began to tip and totter and fall (first slowly, tip tip tip, then with a thundering CLACK CLACK CLACK) and I became glad that I'd bought the books but not the ideas but freaked out at what could have been (and what actually IS for some i know as they grasp for any straw, any hand to pull them from quicksand).  and that brought me toe-to-toe with an anger, the force of which i have never not ever felt, and equally saddened me to feel such a thing and scared me that i could.
everything.shifted.
i sank into a depression so deep, i tell you, so deep that i began to enjoy it - it was easy just floating in it...the days the nights became one and there was nothing to care about...let the sellers and the buyers work it out.  it all swirled like a lava light stew around me.  till one day i knew i needed to grab a hand to pull me out...a hand much like the one i'd offered time and time again.  and i reached out - hard for me to do when things get that bleak - and...nothing.  no returned calls.  no returned emails.  a silence so loud it sent a concussion of force through the goop and i broke away.  and i stood.  and set about making evaluations and changes about who i would let close to me and who i needed to keep at a distance and who i needed to turn from altogether.  and i tell you this, raw and nakedly and in truth, because you need to know that there is a lot of sugar-coating out there on meat that has gone bad.  there are those that want you to follow them, but they do not have a map.  and i beg you to trust your gut.  i beg you to know that you are all you need.  if a friendship costs you $99 then back off.  we are all here as equals - i am no better, you are no better, and neither is worse than the other.  i may have a gift that you don't because my journey calls for that.  and your gift is for your journey.  different. equal.  and i promise you that you will never not ever have to take my workshop in order to be my friend.  i promise friendship is much harder than that, and much easier than that.
Like the voicemail says: "I've made some changes for 2013.  Leave a message.  If i don't get back to you, you're one of the changes."