a rebuilding

a conversation with a wise woman:  we are, each of us, built for our purpose - built physically, mentally, endurance-wise, personality traits…all of it.  To say you dislike something about yourself, or feel ashamed of something - it's saying you disregard and disrespect your purpose.  A carpenter doesn't hate his hammer or saw.  these are his tools, and he pays them no time once he's set about his purpose of building something…he doesn't sit and stare at it, wishing it had a blue handle instead of a red one.  you have been given the tools (your Self) to be used for your purpose.  stop looking at the details of the tools…get busy building!

a theme, lately.  It has been a rebuilding year for me.  and the "re" prefix means there was un-building and destruction that came ahead of the need to build again.  I have found great joy and deepest pain as the structure of "me" was brought to it's foundation this year.  i know it sounds dramatic.  i know i've endlessly confided in some of you.  but there was quite a bit more that never ever saw the light of day…some things that had no way of expression.  And they sat within the walls, festering and attracting vermin in.  so, the walls had to go.  with each blow of the sledgehammer, i fought and kicked and was not at all spiritual and zen about the whole thing (to misuse the word "zen").  I knew it was essential.  i knew there would come a time of rebuilding.  but.  but. but.  it was difficult.  yes, i am aware that i faced problems that some would snicker at, and be happy to trade for.  but they were MY problems in MY reality.  not everyone has to face the same tragedy or loss or difficulty in order to fall.  not everyone has the same tipping point where they just lay down and say UNCLE.  and i suspect that most of us will (or have) reached that point in our individual lives.  and what we do and where we go from that lowdown point is up to us.  it truly is…there is no thumb keeping us down.  but there are many hands to help us up.  and there, from the bottom, is where we find our strength…where we realize that we can grasp the edge of the hole and hoist ourselves up and swing a leg over, then crawl away from the edge, stand up, and walk.  and there, from the edge of that hole, as we swat the dirt off, there is where we realize that The Worst has happened, and from This Point Forward - nothing not anything can harm us or bring us back to the hole…we have the power to climb out….it was all an illusion that we had to stay deep.
So today i swing a hammer and rebuild.  i spend a quiet day with my Henry, then meet some women for a night of community…hands helping one another up.  and cupcakes.