the snow came down pretty good last night - not like many of the coastal towns, but still a respectable showing.  Perfect Stepdaughter and I went out to a sushi place for dinner, and today we both feel unwell.  I lollygagged in bed till 10am…well, in bed and then running to the ladies room.  Henry stayed put, curled up and warm.  no friend to play with today - she ran him ragged yesterday, and today i just wanted some time to myself.  i say that, but as we speak, he is whining and running up the stairs to stare at me - we are apparently under attack by a flock of mourning doves.  not exactly US, per se, but they are at the bird feeder, and Henry feels the need to keep that area clear of any and all forms of life.  they may eat his supply of bunny poo, after all.  why do dogs DO that??
i have to say that this has been a most interesting run of months…the growth rings on my core have to be HUGE…if i was a tree…and i feel like i'm settling into myself.  i've never been one to change myself for the company i'm with, or for who i think my reader might be, but i do feel even more "settled in" than ever before, and even more unapologetic.  hard to explain.  in the past, i've almost felt like i had to be hard and harsh and swear a lot, just to feel like i was not conforming to someone's idea of me being a proper lady.  (ha!) now, i know that i can just be, and however i feel like acting or reacting is proper - because it's me.  that isn't to say i'm going to intentionally start swearing like a sailor.  that isn't me.  but that like teeny drop of a feeling that i should hold back or push forward to suit the situation is no longer a part of me.  i am naturally polite (ish) and thoughtful, but not always the way people expect me to be - especially since i started back in radio.  the perception is that you are who you act like on the air.  not so true.
ok, how i got going in that direction, i don't know.  but - despite feeling wonky from bad sushi, and despite looking outside and seeing a white out of blowing snow, i feel grown and tall and self-assured.  so there's hope for everyone!
maybe i'll post more tomorrow when i (hopefully) feel better and make more sense!  good idea.  i was going to talk about the deep respect and admiration i have for my friends, but i clearly am not tracking well enough to do the topic justice.  so tomorrow it is….

Isn't she sweet?  Not mine, but she is for sale, and cute as a bug's ear, as they say in Texas.  which is where she lives right now.

so, it's been a few weeks of growing and kicking and screaming and having my email hacked into and things missing and and and.  so to spare you all that tumbling, i stayed quiet.  it is what it is, and if Someone feels the need to be a super sleuth, i cannot control their actions.

the flu knocked me flat for a few days, and in my fevered state, i realized truly and deeply that I Do Not Have Control Over Everything.  a simple truth that most people "get" early on.  but there are a great majority of folks, like moi, who have always had to be In Charge…Be Responsible.  and for us to be able to be successful in our perceived LifeJob, we had to control everything…we had to keep all the plates spinning, we had to Be Prepared for anything and everything like a Girl Scout gone rogue and taking it to the nth power.  our purses needed to be checked as baggage - we carry aspirin and bandaids and phone books and charging devices for any/all electronic gear and a change of clothes and a full course meal steaming hot from a portable crock pot in the side pocket and and and. And - most of it Not For Our Own Benefit…we are the Go To gals.  we can perform a Mcgyver Miracle, given half a chance.  it is our mission.  our place in the order of things.  and in my sweating/chilling/sweating state, i gave it up.  i realized there were just things i couldn't control, and trying to do so was eating me alive.  and then there was a whole category of things i didn't want to control anymore.  and then i realized that i couldn't really control any of this shit anyway, so what the heck?? i could make decisions for my reactions and for where i want my feet to travel, but that was it.  i could control myself and my junk.  and that was it.  and i realized that was plenty and enough.  i could react nicely or like the full-on bitchy person i realized i have capability of being, but either way of acting can have the same result, so nice is nicer.  as i lay there with a little caramel dog tucked beside me snoring, i realized all this.  in a flash of epiphany.  and i realized that all these years of taking care of other people had just served to make me bitter.  i wanted to lead the parade - not clean up after it all the time.  and i did it so well, that it became natural for people to just Depend On Me to do it.  i had a conversation with my mother the other day, wherein i choked out that I Just Wanted Someone To Take Care Of Me For A Change - that i had spent my whole adult life making sure no one else slipped on the ice, and had let opportunities go by for myself.  (this was just moments pre-flu, so the pity party phase was in full swing).  her response?  "But you're so good at knowing what to do."  i learned all that Stuff.  and not for free.  there is a swing of the pendulum between hedonism and rampant selflessness of a co-dependant nature.  i intend to live at 6-o'clock…right in the middle.  there's more to say on this, but i have an appointment to see a Tiny!! catch ya later!

no no no no no nobody

it's true.  you are unique.  you might paint the same painting at Sip N Paint but it isn't the same.  you may cut your hair exactly like someone you admire.  but it isn't the same.  you may try to follow someone else's path to success, and but their "how to be me" book, but it won't work - you are destined for a different and unique path.  you really are.  and if it takes you 50-some-odd years to realize it, well then - it does.  and that learning time/process is part of your unique path.  you can buy self-help, follow me to bliss books/ecourses, etc.  But - trust me…it isn't where you belong.  go inward every day and listen…i call it prayer and listening, you may call it meditation or whatever - words are just words...the real, true maybe scared part of you that knows the way…that knows left turn from right turn and will guide you truly…go inward quietly for even a few minutes a day, before the bustle and hassle…listen to your core.  i know i sound like a yoga teacher, but it is at the gut where your truths will be found - the part of you that is a no BS-zone…in that packed down ball you keep squeezing and squeezing like a snowball, hoping it will go away or stay small…it is the most exciting part of you…and the scariest…your journey.  i made the mistake of letting up on the pressure, and parts have begun to explode out…glimpses of futures possible and wanted and authentic and so amazingly tantalizing that i dare not even hope they are real.  in case.
i know a woman who shared her story with me.  she is a woman in total alignment with herself, as far as i can tell.  she walks gracefully and with purpose.  she talks slowly with meaning.  she lives a life unimaginable - a 7-figure company of her own (her 2nd one, by the way), a beautiful house on the ocean's front porch, travels to exotic lands and famous dinner parties filled with intoxicating conversation and music.  she was born to this privilege?  no.  when she shared her story with me, the part that stayed with me was that she was sleeping in her studio and showering daily at a friend's house.  a few bucks away from homeless.  but she realized that she had to leave the situation she was in - or choose to stay there, be physically comfortable but have to hack off the emotional side of herself - the part where she knew what she knew.  where her core was.  for so many years, i remembered only the scary part - the part about not having a home per se, and so i stayed put.  but still the dreams and knowings and urges rumbled about inside, taking on physical aspects as well, in the form of migraines and the like.  but see, i can't follow her story.  or anyone's story.  i have my own to write.  for whatever reason, there is a unique story within each of us.  and although we inspire each other by our courage and by our creativity and by our just plain shouldering through it, we each have our own path to walk.  i have no need of self-help books or how-to books.  i don't need fixing.  i do need to listen, though.  listen and do.  find my way.  FIND my way.  find MY way.  and once i realized that i am made with just the exact size, shape, temperament, skills, and options that i need to complete my run for the roses, it was an easy next step.  scary, but easier.  because i knew i couldn't fail.  i knew just knew i would always be on the right path of my journey if i just listened.  and rather than think "but i don't have this or that" if i keep my eyes focused on the prize ahead without wavering or resting, then i will walk straight and true.  and hopefully inspire you to do the same.  eye on the prize.  whatever that is to you.  whatever Tiny step that is for you today.  yes, the Tiny Step Initiative is in full bloom - join me on your own.  what is your goal…what is your gut telling you?  what tiny step can you take today to get there?  maybe just acknowledging your gut.  maybe more.  it's your tiny step.  every day.

I don't feel good - those words are an understatement. Day becomes fevered night becomes day again with bone-crunching chills.  Henry stands guard, sleeping close to my body in case I get up. In all my medicated haze, 2 thoughts come to me over and over...You Have No Control Over This, and also a strange gratitude. Gratitude because now I can have an inkling of what so many go through with chemo, and other nastiness we put our bodies through as we reach for health.  And I'm certain this is the tip of the iceberg, this flu.  The other thought, the control one, I will hold that closer in this public forum, for now.  But when you think of it, life...happens.  We can control our reactions to what happens, and how we make our decisions, but the decisions that come to us to be made - life is just as likely to sling hash at us as it would a winning lottery ticket.  We make decisions, and those decisions lead us left, or lead us right.  Then THOSE choices take us here or there, and onward to infinity.  Life is about the choices we make, her fever said. Whether you ride the roller coaster car frontwards or backwards, it's going to end up at the same place.  Better to see where you're headed than where you've already been.  And the view never changes backwards. Yes, we can learn from our choices by looking backwards, but it's the mulling that will get you.  If you aren't steering the cart, it'll go where it wants.  And you still have to deal with the choices...made by you, or made by the cart.
Okay, here come the chills...back under the covers for now.

Grim creeping death

Yes, I finally have an excuse for not being here...the flu, a/k/a Grim Creeping Death.  And while calling in sick to my job is not usually an option, and while a co-worker is on my heels trying to take my job...I am not physically able to drive in. It would be like Sammy Davis, Jr driving with 1 eye closed.  I ache. I'm hot. No, cold. My hair hurts, y'all. I sound like a man. And I am a total screw up...Needing a shower to warm up & clear off the fever stank,  I grabbed my foofie soap and was not surprised that it was actually dark chocolate that I was trying to lather up with. So extra shower time. Did I mention it's -3 degrees out, and Henry is a dog who's ancestors come from a much warmer climate. So it's out and in and out and in, trying to get his biznesss done. And every step is killer.  I am grateful for this flu.  At least it takes me mind off Other Things. And reminds me that I am not in control. A lesson that is intent on smashing into every pore & fiber of my being. Which is tres tres scary, but I am too sick to give a poop. And reminds me that there are some close hearts that feel like this every day. There are a ton of things dangling ...the Tiny, Badge of Courage badges, and from last year - the virus project.  I am about to succumb to the wonders of NightQuil, and am not sure any of this makes sense.  I'll reread it later, and likely curse spell check correct. Cough cough.
Wishing you a germ-free day.

this morning, while i wasted some time waiting for my turn in the shower, i happen to pull up my sidebar of bookmarks on my Big Girl Computer.  I feel such distance from the place/person that sunk in deep to some of the art blogs and websites.  I'm afraid that it would physically hurt to look at them.  my latest piece sits gathering dust on my worktable…i am unable to approach it.  i hesitated to post here at all today, given my recent state of mind and heart, but didn't want you to think i'd abandoned this space.  so many blogs have been left untended for so so many months…what's going on with the blog world?  too slow?  has twitter now defined our attention span?  well, anyway…
Henry continues to steal my heart…he is my sunshine and moondust, and keeps my feet here.  somedays literally.  and Purrl watches, a bit closer these days, even snuggling on the bed at night. i won't lie - this is hard.  harder than childbirth, which has a end point in sight.  i am not living life gracefully and fully.  and having had a summer of graceful fullness, with plans to build tiny's and beehives and gardens and all sorts of joyful noise, i feel like the plug has been pulled in a giant drain.  now you see why i hesitated to post?  lovely, uplifting thoughts on this monday morning.  but it would not be authentic to only write about the happy wonderful moments.  I remember reading a blog for about a year, thinking "why can't i have that life??" After a long conversation with the writer, i realized she had the same good/bad/ugly that everyone has - she just didn't want anyone to think her life was anything but wonderful…she lives in a UnBeLiEvAbLe house on the water, and never gives a 2nd thought to a budget or expenses, etc.  She felt it would be anti-grateful to reveal her bad stuff.  duh.  she had set the bar so high for the rest of us, that we couldn't possibly compare our best Best and come up a winner winner chicken dinner. so i share the good/bad/ugly/hard/easy…all that stuff.  maybe i'm wrong to, but it is my blog, after all.  :)
so bring it Monday.  just bring it…bronchitis, no sick days, snow, cold…all of it, Monday…knock me down and i'll keep getting up because, Monday?  You don't own me.  I have places to go and things to do.  And Monday?  I have Strength, and an Advocate that can kick your ass back to last wednesday.  Just ask Thursday.

Hello baby year!

There is so much I am expecting out of the next 364 days. I dare not look back to summarize the past year...and yet...it ended in such a way that makes me want to stomp my feet to get the last of it off my shoes.  But in all that ugliness, comes the Phoenix.  In the easy flow that was last year's beginning, came an abrupt disturbance and disheveled-ness and disruption and every other dis you can throw at a person. And it became goodness.  There became a new way of being.  A new outlook, and deeper understanding of what and who and how.
 And I burned to the ground. But rebuilt...better and better and better.  I went deeper than I thought I could, and grabbed tight to the tethers that held me fast.  And pulled.  I learned to say Yes. To things that used to terrify me.  I rode a horse.  I said yes, and gathered a glowing, sparkling cloud of women around me, then watched as they wove their lives around one another...a Rapunzel braid of hearts.  I have had more fun in the past 7months than I've had in quite some many years.  And I've had a heart broken into pieces too small to fix. And I've risen again and again.  No choice.  But I learned to do it with grace, and thankfulness and deep, sincere gratitude for the lesson.  What I thought of as despair turned into a way to learn how to soar...to step off the edge of the cliff, and just know there are safety harnesses to hold me.  So in the midst of all the really truly awful stuff, I learned how to step to the side, find someone in need, and give give give.  Light conquers darkness Every Single Time.  I learned the difference between boundaries and walls.  I drew a map of what I want my life to look like.  And it includes a lot of things that would surprise you, if you've known me for a long time.  It has always been my wish to be a philanthropist.  And this year my wish came true in so many ways and in so many different forms.  I know of one special project that has yet to come about...the time isn't ripe yet, but it's germinating as we speak.
I spent the day today in my pj's! Feeling decadent and sleepy.  Henry, if I'm honest, didn't know it was his birthday.  And if he did, he seemed to prefer spending it napping next to me while I read my Nook.
So what do I expect from the next bunch of days, weeks, months? Fire.  I expect the burn will continue for some time.  I expect I'll become accustomed to the heat - expecting it.  The difference is that I'll welcome it, knowing it will bring soft, green tendrils of new growth.  Rather than be fearful of risk, I will plunge into the cool waters, knowing there is fire all around, and the risk is worth the gamble.  As long as you watch for me to surface, I'll be safe.  And you know for certain, I'm watching for your bubbles, too.
I have a list of Things That Need To Be Reckoned With, and hope to make my way through it beginning soon...in between chili & Sky Lantern parties, and snowshoeing and concerts and bonfires. It doesn't pay to be too serious, does it?
I wish you each the most incredible collection of days, weeks and months ahead...and don't be surprised if you see a few sparks.  Be grateful for the light.