i get it

I get it.  i get it.  i get it.  i am learning some difficult lessons…i am not the first down this path, i know this for certain.  but it is my first step down this particular road.  i can share some of the lessons with you, if you promise not to feel sorry for me or think this is a ploy for pity.  i am traveling a journey, just like everyone else in life is traveling a journey.  mine is not happy or easy right now, but i am reaching through the brambles to get the sweet fruit.
i get it, now…the part about looking outward.  always.  i'd like to think that i'm a thoughtful person.  i'd like to think that in my life, i keep a watchful eye for those who need a hand - maybe having their christmas layaways paid off, or paying it forward at the grocery store or some gesture.  but i now understand that there is a deeper, or maybe just different, or maybe Also Another place of need.  maybe a smaller gesture. and it's especially apparent at This Time Of Year…inclusion.  i am doing my very best to stay busy…to keep my mind from rolling into the dark corners and pinging off the footboards of the walls.  and i'm incredibly grateful to the neighbor who asks me to meet her at the mall Yes The Mall on saturday before christmas to shop with her.  and for the friend who invites me to breakfast.  and the folks who realize that New Years will be an everlasting hell for me.  i am grateful for the lesson.  i am grateful to the friends and folks who have included me, not fearing that i may break out into a hivey song about Life Done Done Me Wrong.  i won't.  i am like a puppy - just happy to be going for a walk, even if it's raining.  And last night, after i mostly finalized my New Year's eve plans, i thought back on the times when i could have included someone, but figured they had it all nailed down - figured that they probably had plans that didn't include required relatives of a certain level of embarrassment or tension.  and i realized that no matter how much i didn't want to be where i was that day - they would have been thrilled to just have people to be with…to break bread with humans.  and so my Big Tiny for the day (since this epiphany occurred at 6:15am as my husband stumbled home) is that i need to be more watchful for opportunities to be more inclusive, and that i need to not be afraid to ask to be included.  and to send my apologies to those i may have had the opportunity to welcome in - but wasn't paying enough attention.  and i would ask that you do the same…adding an extra plate at the table, or cup of coffee…means. the. world.  and let them bring their dog.