you are a special light

" Those stories about “special lights” are made to trick us into believing that good things happen only if something outside of us does the magic.

I was able to imagine a better destiny. I made it happen, day after day, inside my head. I wrote that imagined world down in diaries, I drew it, I painted it, I modeled it in clay and plasticine, I sang it  out loud in the bathroom, I day dreamed about it.   That imaginary reality became my project, my experiment, my secret love, the only one thing that I could count on because it was all up to me. Everything else failed me but not my imagination.

I became so connected to my fantastic world, so familiar with it, so in love with it that I lost my way back into that other ugly world where I was born. I totally forgot how to get back there. And when I became an adult (and before I was even aware of it) I had moved full-time into that better world, a world that  became real before my eyes. One choice at a time, one day at a time, one idea at a time I found my way into a better reality. One morning I opened my eyes and said:  I MADE IT! I still say that inside my head once in a while when I wake up."

from the blog of  Elsa Mora

some days, most days, i feel like a special light.  some days, not so much.  and there's no rhyme or reason to what the day will look like.  2 identical days, in fact, can feel completely different.  and who knows why?  it's common & easy to look at someone else and say "well, if I had her _______(fill in the blank with your own insecurity), then of course i would succeed,"  or "she has someone to support her financially, so of course she can dibble dabble in ________(fill in the blank with your own wish job)."  but when do we decide Yes or No?  when do we decide that we are going to take a scary (or not so scary) step and walk toward that dream job or dream life or whatever?  and it isn't that you take the step toward it, it's that you decide whether or not you will, then move in that direction without looking back.    I have experience here.  Indecision will choke the life out of you.  and during that withering process, your feet will stay firmly rooted in place.  you will be afraid to move forward or backward, left or right, lest you make the wrong choice.  there is no wrong choice.  there - i just saved you thousands in counseling copays.  There is only the choice you make, then make the choice work.  if you choose to turn left, but keep looking right to see what you may have missed, you'll hit something.  remember Desiderata?  It starts with "Go."

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

I tell you, there is not a single word of this poem that doesn't reach down and grab me.  

Wishing you vision to see your place in the world.