so this is how it will be

i guess a bi-monthly check-in is probably the best i'll be able to manage for a while...some swirling about going on...most good.  tomorrow, i start (another) new job, and am uber-hopeful that this will be The One for a while.  it's right down the street from my studio, and i could somewhat walk it during the day, if i had to.  like, if there were free donuts waiting at the end of the line.  but it's a super scary neighborhood after dusk, so there won't be much walking.  but it is just a 2 minute car ride, so i could pop over on lunch and nap or meditate or even paint if i wanted.  so the New Studio and New Job are good things.  i've already made some art in the space, although i'm really diggin the set-up portion of this adventure...interior design, new coffee maker, etc.  All stuff gifted! i want to keep it spare and uncluttered, as opposed to my home studio which has Special Items everywhere.  Today, i'll spend the afternoon down there, then probably won't make it back till next weekend.  and that may be a pass, too - i believe next weekend may be time for diva dog to go meet Kita across the Rainbow Bridge.  I have been putting it off for months.  she isn't sick, and not in any obvious pain other than her hips, but her dementia and failing eyesight/hearing have got to make her stressed.  every time i make up my mind to go, she rallies.  but she has been getting incrementally worse in the past few weeks.  a vet told me that "it's time when they require so much special care that it intrudes into your life."  at first i thought that was the least compassionate statement...intrudes into my life, indeed.  but then i realized what she meant.  animals are wired differently - any show of weakness makes them a target in the wild, and though our pets have been domesticated, they still have instincts imbedded.  and if i have to carry my pet up and down the stairs, and am kept up half the night with her pacing, and then sleep in a pretzel-twisted position in order to have my legs act as bumpers so she doesn't fall off the bed, well, maybe it has reached a point of being the kinder option.  she can't be enjoying herself too much when she is awake.  so it's been more my pre-grief that i've tried to come to terms with.  and i realized that i won't be able to, so it is time to do her the kindest kindness, to give her her dignity, and release her from her pain.  I know from my experience with Bear and with Kita that it will be a very very rough time.  although she has never been an easy dog - biting, growling, generally birth control - she has been my girl.  and she loves that pretty pink collar with jewels on it.  so i think i'll rub a little glitter into her coat before we go next week.  she will be at gramma's house this week, saying goodbye and having someone to watch out for her while i'm away at work.  as hard as it already is (i'm blubbering while i type now) i know i owe this to her for the companionship she's given me and the love she's given me.  and she'll take a million dried tears of mine with her, from years of crying into her coat.  and hopefully i've done okay by her.  and hopefully i will have the courage i need to send her on her way to play...