keep it real

there are certain truths that every person needs to find within themselves if they are going to succeed - whatever their definition of success is. The foundation of it all is this: What do you believe in? The answer to this question will guide & define everything you do. I unfashionably believe in God. An accessible & available God who helps & guides me, when I stop to listen for it. So I order my steps according to how I believe He would want me to behave. that keeps it real with me...my business decisions, my standards, etc., are dependable because of it. I also believe that the gift of Discernment came from God, and the ability to tap into another person's vibe (for lack of a better word) has helped push me away from some potentially bad situations, and away from people who are using their voice in a way that doesn't line up with their true purpose. that can only bring disaster down the road. I want the work of my hand to reflect my truths. which is why the past 2 weeks have been frustrating...one avenue i've been pushing towards didn't align with my Truth, but in true Me fashion, i confused that inner voice with "just some challenges to overcome" and kept putting my shoulder to the hard object, hoping to move it. well, duh. finally the object moved, but there was nothing on the other side of it. oy. so Finally i was able to see the lightbulb over my head and realize those weren't obstacles, the were dead ends. so lesson learned (again!) and moving forward with ears open. wishing you a day of living fully...with all senses engaged, and gentle & natural flow...

rumbles

ah, of course! had i actually stopped pushing myself to be Productive yesterday. i may have been able to listen to my body, which was saying "tummy's not good." today, Tummy let me know it Was Not Happy. a quiet day of self-care and apologies to tummy for not listening.

mobius

it's funny how a day can go...starting out all full of promise and potential and productivity, then with a small twist, turn on you like a rabid dog, then just when you're heading for the refuge of a pillow and the sound of gentle rain, it goes 'round on you again, and suddenly angels sing and lavender scents are adrift and you feel like you're doing a razor commercial on the beach. life. what a trip. needless to say, i did not make it to the post office again. not sure why i have such an aversion to the shipping procedure, but there it is. i love wrapping up presents all nice nice. the people at the post office are very nice, as only small village post office people can be. they know my business. my business business...not my Business. i've only lived here 10 years, and only due to marriage, so i'm considered an outsider. well, i think a healthy dinner with at least 2 food groups should lay a good foundation heading to tomorrow, where i now have to do today's work and tomorrow's. but my mantra remains: self care, self care, self care.

a strange dream woke me early this morning (although early is relative for me). and as i worked from darkness shifting to daybreak, and listened as the first cardinal called the world to Lauds, and the dew-laden air began to blow a gentle, cool drifting through my studio window, and the sound of leaves as they landed on my deck provided the hushed backdrop to some Deep Thinking and kitten and puppy snored at opposite ends of the room...as all of that was going on, i realized that my dream was an affirmation that there are many here to help me...that i was not brought this far just to fall. and i breathed in the chocolate-scented air from the ligularia plant and smiled, because i felt the presence of Each One. and though i know enough now to Trust, a little reassurance at the right time is always nice. In case you forgot: You are amazing. You can change the world. yes, you.

another 2am wake up, with my mind rolling along like a fallen leaf caught in a strong current. all good things...all invigorating ideas. i spoke with a friend last night who i mentally file in my "Incredibles" section. we talked about business stuff and ideas and referrals and all manner of wonderment. her information quickly quashed one of the paths i was moving towards, and i cannot be thankful enough for her advice & information. imagine spending precious time & money working toward a goal that turned into the biggest nightmare of life! and truthfully, whenever i had done work toward that path, a very teeny whisper would tell my Inkling Bone to walk away. but being the fast mover that i am, it takes more than a whisper to get my attention, at times. i think my lesson for this year is Listen. My years are marked by a different calendar than the january-December one, apparently, with fall/August being my season of beginnings and endings. I've been feeling a subtle shift in what now feels like Last Year's Bones, and even yesterday at my annual woman's exam, the doc came back in the room after she'd left for the next patient, and said something along the lines of Listen Carefully, Respond From A Place Of Love. she is a wise woman, with whom I've shared insights and mysticisms and nettles tea. she is as inclined to "prescribe" a tea or yoga, as she is a pill or ointment. so the new year will bring me plenty of opportunity to enhance my Listening skills, i suspect. last night's dream included a "chapter" where i was back at my old job at 911. that signifies the ultimate listening job - reading between the lines could save someone's life. so i am Listening, and i am Hearing the message. I am a total and complete geek when it comes to being appreciative - i'm all in with my heart, and sometimes feel like someone's Golden Retriever puppy dancing circles and wagging it's tail in pure joy of your existence. i may have learned to be a bit cooler about saying "thank you," but it's bound to leak out somehow. so here in print, where i can backspace & delete at will, i will say that i am so slobbery grateful for all of the women in my life...those who have offered a hand, those who have allowed me to give them a hand, those who have mightily torqued me out, and those who have just been themselves - which is plenty. my life could not be richer. i know - geek. but there's no doubt that i love you, right?

when you have some serious questions, there is only one thing to do... somewhere after heaving the yak onto the car, watching sad puppy eyes stare a laser of guilt through the front window, almost losing a boat on the road at 55 mph, slipping down a muddy embankment to put in, somewhere after all that, as my oars dipped silently into the clear water of South Sandy and guided my kayak gently down a tree-shrouded channel filled with dipping dragonflies, an occasional jumping salmon, camouflaged Green Herons, the sweet last scents of a thousand wildflowers...somewhere after winding past skyscraper dunes holding the now-empty homes of swallows, and lilypads floating above tethered roots and sunshine now warming my shoulders as the tree cover gives way to the expanse of my Lake...somewhere after the lazy drift of the sleepy channel makes a bend and the fullness of Lake Ontario spreads out it's offering with perfect wave-lets and expanses of uninhabited sandy beach on both sides...somewhere after all this, after navigating sandbars and currents and small shells that crunch under your water shoes as you bring your kayak up onto the beach...as you maneuver past the groups of migrating monarchs and curious clumps of dragonflies as big as a finger...that's when the answer comes in the form of a question: Why Not? and inside you resonate: Indeed.

you know I have no patience for computer issues, right? so why WHY i ask, do they continue to taunt me? i want to push the button and everything just works. like the toaster. so yesterday's screen malfunction just was frosting me...the lights were on but no one was home. dare i whisper that i would rather have had Nothing Happen when i turned it on, as opposed to hearing the thing start up, but having a blank screen stare back at me. I did actually shout "I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE" at one point, which is when husband came in and said he'd look at it. yes, it was early. my days start Early, so 9am for me is like noon. and 4 am is break time. and at 2am, I'm punching the timeclock "in." i did some excellent yoga breaths and hoped for hyperventilation while holding the misbehaving little laptop creature, yes - hoping that i would drop it oops and have to buy a new desktop/mondo screen/programs-i-actually-need-installed-GASP-Mac. yes i said Mac. because i am tired of all the spyware vs. virusware vs tupperware vs whateverware fighting for supremacy on my computer, resulting in a blank stare from the screen or pages that take a week to load. husband, who loves his shop vac a bit much, took the laptop creature out to the mancave, sucked about a chihuahua's worth of pet hair out of the various nooks & cranny's and voila! the screen blinkity blinked back at me as though waking from a hypnotic dream. much cheering and celebration throughout the village! I have a proposal for workshops due monday, as well as a grant request. these are not things that can be put off for another day. so i was happy to have computational access, but a teeny bit sad that it wouldn't be on a spanky new Mac. and i also signed up for Carbonite to back up my files, in the likely event of a water landing. speaking of which, today we are going to close the Lake for the winter...to say goodbye to her for the icy cold months. we've decided to bring our bikes and ride the shore for a bit. i love this lake so much, and feel truly blessed to have her so close by. you cannot see the other side, so we call her our ocean. I hope to have some pictures, but the camera creature has been in sympatico with the laptop. is this a sign from heaven that i should become Amish? oy who knows, but break time is over, so back to work. wishing you a day of gentle soul cleansing, and sweet whispery moments.

i'm not sure what the heck is my problem these past few days...i start working a new design and have Bad Thoughts, like: "why are you wasting your time? this will never work out, this business thing." and i have to stop what i'm doing, and remind myself of everything that is going on and soon to come and blah blah blah. i'm really getting annoyed with my head. the new design IS coming together, thanks to Jason at Loews and a can of mushroom soup (long story, but when you can't find the right tool in the studio OR the garage, hit the pantry. that's all i'm sayin'). i'm sourcing supplies for Judy Wise's online encaustic class, and can't wait to smell the beeswax...yum! I got a brief taste of it at Squam in Mary Beth Shaw's class. by the way - if you have the opportunity to take a class from either of these amazing women - do it. they share unselfishly, are uber-talented, and funny to boot. i tend to take workshops to learn a technique, and would prefer to leave with a sample board, rather than a finished project. some instructors get nervous if you aren't creating a work of art to be hung somewhere, thinking you'll say the class was bad. i always try to explain that i am not there to do that...that i would rather push some boundaries with adult supervision nearby to get me out of a pickle, should that occur. both of these women "get" that, and are not intimidated or challenged by it. so needless to say, my work is rarely seen on show-and-tell night! for those who asked: the official bubble bath of Eldorado is Primal Elements Rubber Ducky. there's a blingy duck on the bottle. okay back to work. wishing you a day of straightforward thoughts.

a quick, late post today...i've been in the studio since 2am playing with a new design...and i have the band-aids, bacitracin, and blood stains to prove it! yeah, i thought i could cut some copper without gloves, as if the wee hours were a shield against ignorance. 17 hours later, i almost have it. i've never been one to trouble a thing this long - basically, if it didn't work out the first or second time, i'd move on. something about having a business plan, and knowing that this IS my job and that i HAVE to turn in new work to the gallery...well that just makes it different. i finally took my sketches and bloody fingers to Loew's and got just the right person to help. we kanoodled a bunch of ideas, and since he wasn't trying to make a necklace, he could step back and look at it as a Guy Problem. and bingo...we arrived at a solution. and he wants one of the necklaces for his wife. sheesh. not too much pressure. plus he said he'd help my husband rebuild a spanky new deck as partial barter. oh hell don't tell him i would've given him the necklace. That's how great my relief was. there's a weird thing that happens when someone you know wants something you make. there's an instinct to give it free. but i really feel that's wrong, now that it's my source of income. and to be clear, no one has ever asked me for anything for free, because they understand that this is my job...my sole income. but there is that momentary weird feeling. can you tell i need a coffee? the train's getting off track already. diva hasn't let me out of her sight since she came home monday. if she wakes up from a nap and can't see me sitting there, she immediately starts her wolf howl. oy. this post is a mess of randomness, sorry. to answer some email questions, the skirt i had on saturday is from my friend Helen, the Renegade Seamstress. her shop is online - Secret Lentil. if i win the lottery, i will be buying every single thing she has. and handwarmers in every color. twice. enough now - back to destroying some perfectly good copper roofing stuff. wishing you unbound creativity today......

today: sail

before i left for NH, i had signed up for a yoga class with my favorite (and 1st) yoga instructor, Clare. she is wonderful, thoughtful, intuitive, and the fact that she goes to my art shows just frosts the cupcake. i had almost forgotten that the class started last night, but saw a reminder on my calendar mid-day. heaven. and can i tell you - i could spend a day in warrior pose. a day. it never fails to bring the tears flooding down my cheeks. clare remembered, and had the group form a circle and do warrior facing each other. she smiled as she saw the flood begin. the last time i took her class was the first time i had ever done yoga. it was a small class and we all had a connection in life somehow - friends, coworkers, etc, and there was much grunting and groaning and "Oh Clare's!" this time, i approached the class, and the mat, with a profound gratitude and quiet heart (and mouth). and i realized just how far i had come on this journey...my feet planted firmly with not a thought about pedicures...my mind softly focused, letting monkey thoughts swing away to a different tree...it was all So Good. so many issues come to the surface for me at Squam each year, and this year was no exception. i had come to the RDC 2 days early, and arrived before the 3 other earlybirds in my cabin. it gave me time to sit quietly on the green bench by the lake and set an intention for the week, and also listen for what the lesson may be. but lessons must be learned, and not just handed out, so although a smudge of an inkling began to pick itself up and gently swirl, there was no easy epiphany. of course. throughout the week, the lesson revealed itself as a question to be answered. i tried on various answers to see if they fit, keeping an open heart to truth and trust and what rang as authentic to my spirit. during this time, intuitive guidance was amazingly strong, and in fact one night in the cabin we picked from an Angel Card deck, and my card was "Divine Guidance." (cue Twilight Zone music). I felt strongly drawn to, or pushed away from different people, and it surprised me. in years past, i always felt the need to be certain everyone had what they needed, whether it was finding their way down the Path To Food, or emotionally. this year part of my lesson was tightroping that line between compassion & enabling...between helping and not getting my own needs met because i was too involved in helping other people, & between stepping back in peace and ignoring true and obvious need. it was an interesting lesson, combined with the other lesson parts. i spent a lot of inner time picking thoughts and emotions apart, though my cabinmates would likely be surprised. it wasn't a somber, inner time. there was a healthy giving of self...almost an offering made in love, rather than obligation. and oh that was So Good. so this year's lesson is learned - well, maybe "identified and evolving" would be a better way to put it. i feel truly energized by the opportunities ahead of me, and am glad i took a few gentle days with myself. today is busy with shipping out some very special necklaces to some sweet, sweet women, then working on a new design. and yes, Sarah - Becky is using her new sketchbook skills! today, take your time, be gentle, let energy flow within you in a healthy way, don't give away the last piece of pie, firmly affix your mask before assisting the passenger next to you.

a magic orchestra

(click to enlarge) yes, it was real (i have a very limited number of these prints left...contact me if you'd like one, but please don't print from this page :) )

Okay - post #2...i think i've got enough morning behind me to take this on. in years past, the "re-entry" segue from SAW to home has been a bumpy flight, filled with weepy longing for the company of HeartFamily around a roaring fireplace...wrapped in flannel and layers...all laughing til we thought we'd never stop...suddenly realizing that there were 3, 4, 12 spirits all dancing to the same sweet music as though our Essence had known each other since the earth began and just reunited...pushing ourselves creatively and also inwardly, knowing there were open & accepting hands to hold you and bear you up, should you need them...allowing that we deserved this week - that it wasn't selfish or crazy or a luxury - that women are wired to find like-community and that we were listening to the ancient urging within ourselves to come together as Familiar Ones to rest and recharge and grow, and then take all that we had gathered within our treasure-hunt-of-the-soul back to our homes, and teach it to our daughters and sons and husbands and neighbors...to take the spark and hold it in a safe spot in our hearts, to warm ourselves as we grew to learn ourselves...to realize that inward growth is as much about outward giving as it is self-contemplation...stop for a minute and think about the faces you remember most clearly - they are your sisters...this week, I became Friend, Counselor, Ate, Sister, Light to so many new spirits...this week so many new spirits became my Friend, Counselor, Ate, Sister...i will miss your voices, but the important parts will stay within me, and I will honor & treasure them - smiles, kind words strategically placed, hugs (oh the hugs!), eyes twinkling with overwhelmed happy tears when there were no words invented for what needed to be said. I say "in years past..." because this year I had no Big Girl Job to go back to...no sharp delineation between last week and this week...there was no pent up anxiety about working in a cube, doing a job that sucked my soul...this year I was leaving my art studio to travel to the woods...a Gratitude point i will honor and be humbled by...and still...still found how badly my heart needed filling, needed to reach out to those Like Spirits, to let them dance together and give & take the precious gifts they will. if you felt invisible, I saw you. if you felt Outside, you were safe in my heart all along. if you thought you gave nothing or had nothing to offer, I will thank you publicly for what you gave to me without knowing. It's amazing to me how I remember you - first by spirit, then by face, and on occasion on a good day - by name. we are all welcome. we are all needed in the world Exactly As We Are. i will say over and over - Be Your Own Self. it is a dishonor to the gift you have to offer, if you long to be like someone else...thinner, taller, more talented, more fashionable, better with fill-in-the-blank...you are created to be you. you have a special gift that the world needs just by being you...no need to search - that's the secret...just be you. as usual, i'm going long and off-track, but you know, it's my blog, so i can. i probably won't post pictures, after all...they never seem to capture enough. BUT - i thank each of you for bringing your best selves to gather...i wish you contentment with what you have, stamina to reach for what you need, knowledge that enough is plenty, and always always a spark from a beautiful gathering of different/same hearts by a beautiful lake conjured by a beautiful woman.

there will be pictures, i promise you, but not right now. it's early, and i've been up since dark o'clock, and have fumbly fingers. i promise a full post later today, but just wanted to say... In case you forgot....you are endlessly wonderful...you are exactly who you were meant to be (unless you're really mean, and then: Stop That)...you are exactly where you should be Right Now, so learn from that spot and be grateful for it, for it will teach you what you need to move forward. xox

In those days, we finally chose to walk like giants & hold the world in arms grown strong with love & there may be many things we forget in the days to come, but this will not be one of them. -brian andreas

May the Peacefulness that surpasses all understanding, fill every heart today.

it feels like the summer has zipped past. i saw some, but not much of it, as i worked away in my studio...elbow deep in garnet, opal, aventurine, turquoise, sterling and copper. Two furbabies kept me company most days, vying for attention like children. my mother came to pick Diva Dog up yesterday for a week at Camp Grandma's. as her car pulled away, a little puppy face stared out the back window at me, happy to go visit, but wanting mommy with her. how do mother's do it on the first day of school?? it just broke my heart, but i know the very second her paws hit the ground at Grammies house, i'll be some vaporous memory: oh yeah, the one who doesn't give me real chicken for dinner. i'm busy packing for a week in NH. wow - has it been a year already? hopefully this year, i won't overpack. though not likely. this year, our cabin sleeps 12. i hope to have pictures for you, as this year i plan to remember my camera card and batteries! bonk. and next saturday night will find me here: If you're in the area, stop in & see what my summer has produced! there is a limited number of necklaces available to take away, but i will be doing special orders. there's nothing i'm not grateful for these past few months. nothing. the challenges have been met, not with panic, but with a curious eye to take them apart and see what they have to teach me. i have a PhD in Challenges now! today, i'll pack, tomorrow at 3am, i'll start down the highway, and by tomorrow evening will allow myself room to breath and expand...and enjoy the company of family for a week. a very wise and wonderful woman described these gatherings as "immersing yourself in the company of people who speak your language in a foreign country - your tribe." (Other Linda). This week will do my heart good, as I fortify for the coming year. I'm excited and nervous for the opportunities that are gelling. mostly Very Excited. more details later on that. I'm glad for the incredible women i've met in the past few months through the Rav site, as brief emails questioning Squam necklace availability, turned into long distance friendships. i think women can do that well, the electronic friendship thing, but we really get our hearts around hugs and conversations face-to-face, preferably with good coffee, fragrant tea, or a nice bottle of wine. i'm amazed at the depth of sisterhood women can feel for one another. on this day of remembrance and reflection, i send compassion and love and healing and grace out to those who need comfort. may they find peacefulness as they continue on.

moving forward, standing still

this past week has been a rummage sale of emotions and activities...from realizing that i had all the support in the world for my new business, to realizing that i really, truly did have a new business...from reaching out to the world and getting favorable response, to reaching closer to home and not. it's hard to realize that someone you most want to share your excitement with, who has been with you in the 3-legged race of this crazy life, has actually been standing close in order to catch the action if you fell...rather than to catch you if you fell. i say "watch this, then." and off i trot. this has been a birth and development not unlike the babes that hatched in a Burning Bush by the corner of my house...cracking through the egg for all they're worth, and taking in big gulps of air...then being spoon-fed till pin feathers and flight feathers developed...then - flight time! and to watch the skies in mid-summer is a treat indeed. mother birds teach their young to fly by teasing them out of the nest with food - after they're good & hungry. a little higher at a time, till they reach their goal. notice i said their goal. momma has more in mind. once sated, they realize they have to make it back to the safety & comfort of the nest. on their own wing power. you can hear the cries and squawking for some distance. momma lets them fuss till they begin the flight, then circles near them. if they panic and start to lose altitude, she'll swoop under them and let them ride a while, then tilt them off to go again. and again. till they make it on their own. when i began this journey, i was under the protection of Grace, and remained so for weeks. then felt one day that it was time to check out those flight feathers, knowing there would be Protection, but feeling some panic all the same. there were so many tests and challenges that came all at once, making it hard to breathe at times, and often doubting if i was fit to fly. but i decided that before i hit the ground, i would flap for all i was worth. and today i felt the back of my Protector under my feet once again. for respite and regrouping for the rest of the flight, knowing i will soon be flapping my wings again, but with more strength and gracefulness this time. i knew today, this cycle would be repeated over and over, even when flight comes effortlessly. and i knew today the strength that can come when many trusted hearts join. i watched today, as the geese began grouping up at the lake by my woods...honking and ranking and deciding who would fit where in their formation to head south. there's still much more time to enjoy them here, but they prepare early. and i realized how they are so much like us...traveling together, yet reaching the destination to our our space within the group...how one would never make the journey alone - that it takes the cooperation of many. today, i stood still under the cedars, breathing in cool air - dry for the first time in a while - smelling the mulchy smell of the ground and the last perfume of the flowers...and in the stillness that held my heart and thoughts and spirit, came the gratitude for the Lessons...gratitude for the opportunities...gratitude for the successes...gratitude for doors that had opened, and doors that had closed...for realizations and knowledge that had come and for being blinded to things that may have hurt too badly, had i seen them. i was grateful for the abundance i have...nothing you could count in a shiny stack of coins, but the other forms of currency - the ones that matter so much more. i am grateful for you, who are reading this, that you care enough to check in. i wish you good flight.

ever feel like you need Protective Gear For Your Internal Revolution? never fear...the renegade seamstress is here.....you will want the scarf & handwarmers. you really really will. tell her I sent you.

getting down with the DOT

can i tell you how incredibly impressed i am with the department of transportation folks in VT, MA and NH? can I? just did. yes, between the 4 of us, we cobbled together a route to get me to Holderness in a no-stress, speedy fashion. big breath out. i even got a call back late in the day from VT saying they thought of another route to use, just in case. so all is well in control freak land. it's not like a transatlantic crossing to a new land to live forever. i get that. but what you may not know is that i was a semi-agoraphobic prior to coming to Squam the first year...I was able to go to work, and a few places nearby, but to drive down the thruway to Rochester or Buffalo, or even Cazenovia was sometimes a panic attack in the making. so that is another reason why Squam is so important & special to me...it marks an anniversary of me looking that panic in the face and twisting it's nose till it ran away. i still have my moments, but honestly, think about all the things you would have missed if you had a rising panic/aversion to travel past a certain distance from your home? or even go to church/yoga/birthday parties/dinners. that, in part, is why i am not so hard on myself as i try to quit smoking and haven't quite gotten there. i have accomplished so much in the past few years, and this one niggling thing holds on. i know i will kick it's butt too (no pun intended), but it has not been time yet. very soon though. and so - thank you all for being my personal Mapquests! I WILL be there!

Partial Enlightenment

I received this the other day from Brian Andreas' daily email: The problem with knowing everything's going exactly as it needs to is that when you're not having that much fun it doesn't even do any good to complain. and I thought "ain't that the truth!" and went about my day smugly knowing that I was well on my way to total Trust That Things Always End Up As They Should. which seems to be the current lesson being bestowed upon me, and hasn't been too too bad of late, because i really haven't wanted anything. Except Squam. Having spent every waking moment (and those are a lot of moments, my friend, given my current no-sleep pattern) fulfilling requests for Squam necklaces, and designing & making more for the September retreat, I have a lot invested - in materials for the necklaces, as well as emotionally...it's my once a year family reunion that is as much an essential part of my life as Belgian waffles. So imagine my rising consternation/panic when every MapQuested route to get to Holderness Nh took me down roads that simply don't exist anymore, or are closed, thanks to Irene. Bitch Wind that she was. So I called OnStar, confident that they could peek down through the sky like guardian angels and direct me Turn-By-Turn, and asked if they had updates re the detours, and if so, how long a trip could this potentially be? 8 hours? 10 hours? should I book a room halfway? do i need a passport? And the oh-so-incredibly-nice girl advised me that i would have to get in my car and start driving and they could direct me as i went, which only partially answered my question, and really not that well, since that was the Basic Reason for their existence and my fee. When push came to shove, they only have the detours that are sent to them, she admit. and that leaves a hell of a lot of room for detour & disaster. Now, before i go on (and on), I am not so insensitive to realize that people lost their lives in this storm...that those who didn't, will likely have their lives dramatically changed for quite some time. i get that, and am truly compassionate about that. the thing is, my particular reality involves driving from central NY state through Vermont/Massachusetts/NH to get to the heart-safest place I know. and this morning, the thought that there's a real possibility that i just can't make it there gripped me. and believe me, my mood sunk like a rock. i set down the necklace i was working on and just about cried. now how's that for trust? so that's where i leave this pathetic story for now. if you know any good routes, please let me know...canoe & airplane are not do-able, but thanks to both people who made these suggestions at the height of my inner drama. or at least one of you. i'm off to light the candles on my pity party. cake anyone?

good morning all! yes, it's 3:30 as i type this. (a.m.) it's still dark out, with the night things making their sneaky sounds outside my studio window. the air is crisp and fresh, but not cold...just the perfect shade of cool. diva has been up every 2 hours since our first attempted sleep at 9pm. it's looking more like a vet trip. i thought she had gotten into the cat's Hairball Remedy food, but that was days ago, even more than a week ago. she seemed better for a while, but again last night Blammo. i feel for the little cuddlebucket. she sits patiently near me in my studio, waiting for it to be her turn for attention, napping in a ray of sun, or chasing the cat away, as the mood strikes her. I dedicated yesterday to working on my business plan, and stuck to it. this has been an enlightening journey through the book. one exercise involves mailing a questionnaire with 5 questions to 5 friends that asks specific, provided questions about yourself. now that was enlightening. the common theme was that i am compassionate and funny, with more than 1 person suggesting i should do standup comedy. (as if being a fulltime artist isn't hard enough!) sort of a cross between Mother Theresa and Shecky Green, I guess. (oy, just google him). so my career path is at another crossroads. not really. see - that was a joke. yes, did i mention it was early, and i have been up every 2 hours like clockwork? i just got bombarded with 2 double-secret orders, and will be bidding my planned week off goodbye. i'm a fanatic scheduler. i have lists and calendars and am scrupulous about transferring tasks and having time lines so it all works together and i can go about my day/week/month snug in the knowledge that i am on time with a project. so a decided to take a few days off and actually experience summer from outside the studio...maybe a little kayaking or biking or geez who knows what. but these orders and a twist of fate have put a screeching halt to that. not that i'm complaining, but it will be winter before i can see summer. yes. i'm on facebook. i drank the kool-aid. i don't get the whole thing, and am surprised at how many people close to me find it imperative to update the world about their every single minute-by-minute day. i check in, and it's like a large group of people have been having a party in my house while i was gone...post after post about everything. they're all commenting back and forth to each other like a giant social gathering (duh) but they haven't noticed the host is not home. and i got a chance to reconnect with my favorite cousin. she is most special to me. we lived with her family for a while when i was kindergarten age (not sure why) and she was the ultimate big sister. she was the coolest. i have more memories from those years than from the next 4 years combined. her mother was my dad's favorite sister, and the matriarch of the family. when those two passed away, we kind of drifted from the anchor of family. time passed and for various reasons, contacts became fuzzy. it got to the point where it was awkward to just reappear and say, "ok - what did i miss?" like taking a bathroom break during a movie. but My Favorite Cousin and I reconnected a few years back like no time had passed. then drifted. then facebook brought us back in touch...each a little wearier, a little more tested, but still with the sister feel. at least on my part. i am rambling again, but the point of introducing my cousin into this long monologue, is to share something she said. she was on the phone with her 3-year old granddaughter who said, "play is play. You just have to know how to do it right." from the mouth of babes. look out Dalai Lama. so today, despite putting the hammer down in the studio, despite an ear infection that encompasses my whole left side, despite a dentist appointment, despite a 2-hour potty clock silently backtiming diva's Race To The Roses, i will take time to play. and do it right, and with the full force of what i am able, and with diva. kitten is on her/his own, having just walked across my resin work on my worktable, fully aware that it is a NO NO spot. (so if your resin piece has a darkish hair in the packaging, my profuse apologies. i can only do so much.) due to this need to ramp up studio time, and also take care of my ear/body/wellness so i can make the drive to NH in eek just a week, i may not be posting much, or if i do - it will no doubt be a scary/boring, in depth look at what raw panic looks like in print. call NatGeo...they love documentaries. all this blah blah blah aside, i feel peaceful, centered and ready to take on the challenges presented me with gratitude and trust. and an extra large mug of coffee with a belgian waffle on the side. be safe, be peaceful, be breathless...and "stay dry."