what day is it?

friday? saturday? oy. i left my part time Big Girl job early tues to work (well, allegedly to FINISH) the dreaded fairy wings. by that time i was sooo exhausted that i came home and decided to take a quick nap. 3 hours later....what was the point of leaving early??? plus, i now had to make up the time on friday, my day off. so i went in at 1pm, being the overachiever that i am, rather than 2pm as required. i've redecorated my cubby, with Dreamweaver wearing his Chinese coin necklace and a small sculpture i did that includes a small porcelain doll head in a small brass birdcage. just let it rip, i said. the crow apparently creeped out more than a few people, however my very Goth boss thought it looked fine....her husband makes life-sized zombies in their basement, and they have a real, live casket down there that their cat sleeps in, so i guess she would have a certain appreciation. so when i came in friday, despite being underslept, i noticed a few sideways glances. my cub-mate started chortling and filled me in that during the 8am meeting, when it was question time, a new girl raised her hand and asked what the deal was with the crow. my immediate supervisor said "it goes with the voodoo doll by her calendar. it's harmless, but don't piss her off." so by 1pm, the interest was high...the air rife with speculation. and i arrived wearing red cowboy boots *gasp* in the corporate office. my boss's boss's boss (Ms. Big, 3 levels up, mezzanine...ladies handbags and millinery), (who, by the way is the Best Boss i have EVER had and is definately artworthy), (wtf is millinery anymore?), anyway, where was I? oh, so i got to work, noticed the looks, oh yeah, and made my usual rounds saying hello to each and every coworker. i got to HER office, and she asked me to come in, sit down, and close the door. okaaay. so i did what she asked, but left my coat on just in case. "Chicos?" she asked with a raised eyebrow, referring to my red leather jacket which i had just decided i didn't like - too Michael jackson-ish. too late to return-ish. "of course," came my reply, "matches the boots." "ahh. so now...(pause) ..the crow." "Not Chicos," i replied. "alive? ever alive? how did it become not alive, if indeed it is not alive now? i was told your father is a taxidermist..." "father died. He wasn't a crow. Sold shoes. Do you believe the crow is alive?" "do you?" "i asked you first." "not sure...could be...but very quiet...very, umm, distracting. and this voodoo thing..." "no voodoo...i'm a Jew. Jews don't do voodoo. it's an art doll." "ahhh" Meanwhile, this whole thing feels like a verbal duel at high noon, except the combatants are actually friends and are actually trying to square off in a tickle fight. (not that my boss and i are THAT close, my friends...let me make that clear.) she was trying to keep a straight face and thought she could THOUGHT she could make me sweat. i was, but it was the damn jacket. so that started my friday off at work on my day off. about an hour later, despite the frantic hordes of salmon swimming upstream to my phone line just to call me a stupid bitch, i just had enough and logged off my phone. i was sleepy and was afraid i'd let go with some Real Thoughts, which were definately nearing the frontal lobe of my brain. a short trip from there down the sinus cavity and to the mouth. (not a scientific explanation of what may Actually Occur, but ...) the Control Center was hanging on, but barely. and then, and then, i made a fatal mistake. knowing i had a few zillion hours of beadwork ahead of me, and i still had to slog thru 3 more thankless hours of being smacked about like an emotional pinata, i broke down and swallowed my last Concerta. about 30 mins later, with all systems "go," i realized that i would be humming like a machine for about 12 hours more...that put it at about 2-3am saturday. i was supposed to go back to this job at 8am to help catch up with the paperwork. oy. needless to say, i called it a day around 4am, slept till 8am when diva had to pee, then said forgetaboutit to work and (drum roll!) TA DA! finished the fairy wings!!! i had hoped for a more epiphanous moment when i took that last stitch, but done is still done. HOWEVER...in the midst of my midnight frenzy, i had a Thought. a Big Thought. there are a t-o-n of art retreats, art festivals, workshops, etc on the west coast...not so much on the lonely east coast. upper east coast. so i started planning one. i think it's do-able. i'm pretty sure i can do it. much easier than fairy wings by far. (all tasks will now be measured by the fairy wings). so i am setting about planning the East Coast Art Retreat. stay tuned. i probably should use all that event planning experience i never got paid for in radio, right? not to mention the 5 cancelled weddings ( 1 the day before...which is way better than the day after). i've been itching to plan something big, and since i'm still married, it would seem impolite to plan my next wedding. i think that's what bugs me the most about everyone keeping the details of my surprise birthday party a secret...i love to plan these things..in fact, i love the planning almost more than the actual event (where i sweat and worry that Something Big will go wrong). my husband is absolutely wild with glee that HE knows what i don't about the details...the taunting and teasing. i whine and beg and plead for just one stinking detail, like WHERE it will be so i can be dressed appropriately. he says , "okay...it's somewhere with a roof." hardy har har. that isn't even an intelligent ruse of a response. by the time this shindig hits, i'll explode. from the time i was a kid, i always reconned for my christmas presents (always always in the hall closet behind the health & beauty supplies and mom's douchebag. sorry - it's the truth). (you know, i'm from a generation that has seen so many innovative products come and go. i mean, i remember rotary dial phones, and pay phones that cost a dime, and the douchebag. do they even make them anymore? i love the sound of the word. the word "shower" in French is "douche." when i was travelling in Quebec with the band, there were some French-speaking girls with us, and 1 of them put a sign - in French- on the shower that loosely read, "something something something douche something de bain." the rest of us wondered, and certainly wore our flips flops into the stall after that.) back to my point - i'd carefully open them, (the presents, if you remember) peek at them, then rewrap them. it didn't ruin the surprise...it made the anticipation sweeter. and mom thought i was psychic for a while, when we had to go thru the whole, "can you guess what it is" routine as we held the gift, shaking it a little (or one year, riding it around the livingroom...hmmmm...what could it be? a hamster? nooo. a bike? no scratch that - doesn't count bad guess...a bike would never be WRAPPED like a bike and have 2 actual wheels, a seat and a kickstand...hmmm). (and i say christmas, but it was actually Hannukah, which is actually 8 days of christmas when you're a kid). i just COULDN'T stand NOT KNOWING. this NEED didn't diminish as i got older. and as i approach 50, the "need" is joined with this feeling of entitlement. i tell my husband, "so now, if i'm hit by a bus and die before this party, you'll be left with the knowledge that i could have at least gone to my grave knowing that there was a nice party planned for me, and i could at least envision it as i made my way to the bright light through the tunnel." unfortunately, my need to know is overshadowed by his immature need to lord it over a person that "he knows something you don't know." maybe i'll hit him with a frying pan. the ones he got me for christmas last year. lordhavemercy. cookware. i swear. no wonder i pre-shop for myself. i have never been a "thing" person. i love getting a heartfelt gift as much as the next person, don't get me wrong. but it truly is the thought that counts. now look at me going on like i had more Concerta....now look, my angelfriend Georgia is in India...she left today. i went to the grocery store, she went to India. our lives are very different. follow her at http://www.scottstours.com/ ....makes me want to travel. except for the planning, packing, shots, ugly passport pictures, dogsitter, you know, that stuff. so goodnight - pics of the wings tomorrow. you deserve to see what you've been reading about and rolling your eyes over. Linda

worth repeating

can i say it again without boring you? "This has been a Magical Year!" there. the most incredible opportunities have been ladled onto my plate - both work-wise and art-wise....i've met, or re-met, some of the most unbelievable people...my personal growth, well, while not where i'd hoped it would be from time to time, has been in the leap-and-bound category. i have come to realize that the women in my life are breathtaking in their spirits. some vibrate with energy and enthusiasm, and i dare you to try to get a photo of them standing still. others, with the sweet aroma of quiet courage and confidence...an unshakable belief in themselves and their right to be who they are. and still others somewhere in-between...fiercely loyal and constantly stepping in to bridge the gap between goals and gifts - teaching, guiding, urging others to reach a little further...stretch a little more. i have also come to realize that there is poisonous fruit in my life-garden....little seeds that grow into vines that choke out dreams and visions. this past year has been one of weeding, pruning, and nuturing the good, the fragrant. i often wonder where i am planted in the life-garden of others...what purpose do i fulfill? is it different for different people? you know how there are those people you meet, and they just bring out the absolute best in you? you feel energized and enthused just by being with them. then there are others that are always always the victim of circumstance - sucking your daylight from you, or worse - their insecurities manifest through their conversation....dragging down others to step up on them and be a bit taller. as i've weeded out the choking vines, i'm amazed at what i've seen growing beneath...friendflowers i never knew were planted there in the first place... a beautiful fragrance enveloping my life...blazing colors in all shapes and configurations...a garden of friends that give life ...grabbing your spirit by the hand and saying, "come...there is water for your soul here." it humbles me, i tell you, it humbles me. my gratitude cannot be measured. and in that revelation comes the knowledge that i have been charged with being as good a friend back...a good gardner....making sure that, in exchange for the beauty they bring, that i am tending my garden properly...not letting vines and weeds reappear...not letting time or distance bring neglect...giving and taking as is needed. what a wonderful picture to mind-hold as the winds blow outside my studio, with threats of snow to come. l.

another rule

and the final rule of commissions...always always always get the due date in writing so that when the client insists she told you Nov 6th but you KNOW she said the 13th, you won't have to take 1/2 a day off from your already teeny work schedule to furiously sew sew sew. i must admit, the newest, and what appears to be the final, version of the Wings are good. funny, they look Exactly like the ones i WANTED to do in the first place, but was all caught up in doing something Breathtaking and Astounding. so i came home tonight in a tizzy and flurry, intent that i would power-slam dinner, and Go Sew. diva was doing her usual dinner dance by the back door...in/out/in/out...because usually when she goes out and "is a good girl" she gets a cookie when she comes in. so to drive home the point to her stupid humans that she has, ah hmm, DOG food in her bowl yuk, she'll continually scratch at the door till we tell her to go lay down fortheloveofgod. so the usual there. til she went under the table looking a little guilty. hmmm. so i ate ate ate then ran my plate to the sink and WHEEEE! slipped in a pile of doggie sick stuff. 2 piles, actually. with a side order of poo by the door. poor diva really really had needed to go out this time. i'll spare you the gagging and just know it got cleaned up. i went to sew, and she indicated she needed to go out again please and thank you, and this time i listened. out/in....with a twist - NOW she needed a bath. again, i'll spare you. is this some kind of test of my emergency stroke system? i mean, yes, looking at the bigger picture of life, this is not even on the register. but Right now, in My Reality, it is h-u-g-e. not to sound snively, whiny or shallow, but i just want to BE DONE. and the end is indeed in sight. i'm typing this with a small plastic tooth (hollow bottom) on my thumb. why? because i remembered my brilliant idea to cut a niche in the 4 poster bed post for a fairy door...a tooth fairy door. and it needed a tooth. so i grabbed one off a keychain i cadged at our Dental Convention & casino weekend, gessoed it and will paint it gold. then jam it in the niche and figure out the door part later. next lifetime, maybe. so i spent saturday at a pre-planned felting day...planned previous to this deadline. i forgot how much i loved shibori dyeing and wet felting! i forgot how incredibly exhausting it is to roll & agitate roving by hand for 4 hours. but the result....delicious! i'll post a pic as soon as i'm done with the beadwork. so all in all, little by little, this mini-meltdown has brought me back to my center, believe it or not. i am beginning to re-feel the warmth and joy of life again. even the rain outside is a wonderful sound. stay tuned.........L.

sdrawkcab

havin a nancy kerrigan momemt....."wwwwwwhy?!?!?!" wings done - 1 backwards - forgot to remember to reverse the pattern. aaarrrgghhh. these babies will be about 4" thick by the time i'm done! she'll never get off the ground! i need a little more O.C.D. and a little less A.D.D. ....sounds like the title of a country song. L.

**yawn**

diva's kidney clock went off at around 4am, so here we are. i figured i may as well seize the day, even if the day isn't quite ready for seizing....it's still mostly asleep....the night not ready to yield it's softglow moon to the bright sun. i don't need to tell you what i'm doing, eh? while i was taking a short crack-my-neck break, i came across an interview in a magazine with a mixed media artist. in the interview, she said something to the effect of ..."in nature, nothing is ever lost, merely transformed." she was speaking of projects that didn't quite cooperate, but i couldn't help but think, "Ah Ha!" bad news for my cellulite...good news for those persistent and annoying little Things About Myself That I Wish Would Disappear - habits, attitudes, the like. so i spent some time thinking about the past year....a magical year indeed. that annoying and compulsive list-making habit that's dogged me since as long as i can remember, for example, transformed into a necessity - keeping my various spinning plates in the air as opportunities came forth fast & furious. a softer edge to the compulsion, though. rather than lists made almost as a superstition to ward off any unforeseen problem, (if i planned for it, it won't control me), more a list of ideas and plans and scheduling so as not to miss out. i save my little dollar store pocket calendars from 1 year to the next....they contain addresses & phone numbers scribbled messily in the margins as i drove down the hiway. (never did have an urge to corral those in a proper address book. this drives my husband to absolute distraction - he, of cutting edge techno gadgets to manage his time & information. a constant running battle of the PDA vs. the PEN ). this year in August, i checked through my old calendar. i was feeling sad about Kita's Anniversary. as i flipped through the pages filled with appointments and interviews and project deadlines, i smiled remembering those moments. and i realized how much i'd "transformed." things that may have seemed large and looming and totally beyond my capabilities to finish (or even start) now, in retrospect, weren't all that daunting once i just got to it. sound fairy-familiar? i thought i'd grown past the point where i Reacted Before I Thought. nope. i have a feeling this may be a part of me that still needs a little transforming, but to see it right there in graphite and white made me realize something about my creative inner rhythms...left to my own devices, and working on my own art, a piece of metal, or wood, or Something, will catch my eye. that spurs the creative process. there can be no dissapointment...i'm merely creating from the soul. the end result may not "work," but perhaps the time was meant to just touch and enjoy the feel of creating...just for the pure pleasure of it. to create for someone else, with their limitations - be it time, materials, or Whathaveyou, sets up a whole new dynamic. first and foremost is the fear of disappointing them. although they may have no idea how to Make The Project (or else why pay me good money to do it?) they have a sense or an idea of how they want it to look. maybe something they saw somewhere. maybe a feel they want to it, or, in the case of Memory Quilts - to recreate the person it represents. impossible by anyone's hand, i daresay, least of which my humble efforts. so i pre-stress over the end result til i get to the point where there is no beginning result. and time ticks away. and i am convinced that i have been kidding myself all along - i'm no artist. i'm just a good talker. a fraud. a wannabe. so now i have to clear away the negative Stuff, and start to plan, sketch, feel materials, gather ideas, and overcome the mental junk pile. exhausting. yes, i'd much rather make & sell, but commissions can be a lifeblood - not only in the cashflow department, but in the reaching/stretching/growing department. if i stayed in my comfort zone, then it would become uncomfortable - boring, tedious, practiced. but i've wandered. the idea that my idiosynchrocies need not be "fought" just "transformed" is so liberating. rather than spend time gnashing my teeth and feeling disappointed in myself, i can embrace those things, but marshal them - use them for my benefit, rather than let them use me. one of the directors at my Big Girl Job, having nothing better to do one day, composed and sent out actual paper copies of information regarding the outbreak of staph infections in the area. as my boss handed me the memo, i looked at her and said "you're KIDDING, right??" here i was armpit deep in work, and she hands me this.....the Queen of Purel. it started as a joke at work...we got the New Timeclock. you punch in your code, then put your finger on this little thingie and it "reads" who you are and clocks you in & out. i pointed out how incredibly germy that is, and they should keep some antiseptic wipes nearby. it was like using one of those endless loop cloth towel things in a hiway reststop. shudder. "I WON'T use it," i proclaimed. so every morning a new and different flavor of Purel appeared on my desk. i have aloe, unscented, plumeria, "fresh scent" whatever that is. done in a good spirit. but they're all almost empty now. i am NOT the only one using them. so okay, the Purel thing can get a bit, oh, obsessive. but guess who won't be getting staph! oy - wandering again. anyway....the things that make me ME...i will embrace them. i mean, who else should i be?? who else CAN i be?? what makes me unique in all of life is exactly who i was meant to be. so the things that direct me more than they comfortably should - those things need to be transformed. but maybe not discarded. and in the past year, according to my dollar store calendar, many of those transformations have indeed occured. quietly, gently, with compassion to my spirit. without me really knowing it was going on. just being forgiving and gentle with myself, allowing myself to float on the water and just go with it, steering only as much as necessary to stay away from the sharp rocks at the coastline. not a bad ride, all in all. L.

oh, just WOW

my new friend ellen sent me these....i'll pass them on, then say bye, cause i'm busy making you-know-whats....OH! but guess what!! this is HUGE! remember last summer when i went to ask my boss about going part time and was meditating about it first in the shower and had that quiet assurance that "the money would come" because i was afraid i'd starve or be homeless or something after my husband threw me out for going part time? remember? well then when i was walking to the door at work, again that little voice in my head (a different one from the usual) said "the money will come" and i found a nickel on the ground and took that as a sign and felt real certain that i was on the right path? Remember? okay well as i started pre-worrying about how to pay for next semester of the steppers college last saturday, my husbands bonus check came and it's for EXACTLY the amount i WON'T make at my big girl job this year, and EXACTLY the amount we need to pay the college bill, with a teeny bit left over for actual books. wow, huh? so here's the 2 websites CoolEllen sent me: http://www.geh.org/parkeharrison/index.htm http://www.ponderingpool.com/ gotta go.....

bored yet?

here's the most recent incarnation of the fairy wings...sweet and pinkish, with a little shparkle. bits and scraps sandwiched between the pink silk and the pink netting. i guess i just had to tire myself out enough to just do what was in my heart to do in the first place. stubborn git that i am. i hope, if there's a reincarnation, that i do not have to come back as myself. in the middle of my pathetic crash and poor-me burn last night around 3am, i couldn't help but think of how incredibly generous life has been to me...how blessed...how incredible....imagine - to have the freedom and time to feel utterly frustrated because of an art commission...hunh...and to think there are people wasting their time worrying about sustenance, and illness, and getting shot, and getting evicted, and having no heat, and choosing between medications and food. how incredibly incredibly short-sighted and tunnel-visioned. of me. just when i think i've made great spiritual strides, a little tweak sets me reeling. oh the horror of being PAID to make fairywings...and **gasp** PINK no less! how can one expect to survive?? ok enough. yes...we each have our own reality and relative to that, one person's anguish is another's folly. and yet...is it less? not the fairywing thing. but in Real Life. i was taking the train from NYC to White Plains one day after a shopping blitz with my brother's friend, Jim. (raised as the only boy in a family of many women, he had been trained to shop patiently. what a great attribute to pass along!) anyway, somewhere around Scarsdale, the train stopped abruptly. i thought i saw a boot in the snow and figured someone's foot was cold. the truth of the situation, as the conductor announced, was that a woman had thrown herself in front of train. people around me joked that she'd maxed out her credit card. it made me feel very sad, because, even if it were true, THAT was the reality she faced. that was her horror. she may not have lived in a low-income housing "warehouse" that demanded you be inside before dark Or Else. that you sit on the floor, lest a stray bullet come through the window. but that doesn't negate her personal reality...because the scales aren't equal when measuring suffering or frustration. it's all a relative balance. so, no, i don't feel guilty for having food and heat and safety when there are others who don't....i just need to get less tied up in knots and be more grateful when the opportunities for growth & greatness of spirit present themselves...a gift...a treasure. i think part of it is my perfectionism....i need for things to look just so (art-wise, not housecleaning-wise). i know what i want the piece to express, and need to not have time boundaries to limit it's potential. i have a piece that i did a few months back that i have never "bonded" with. i like how it turned out, but it doesn't speak to me in the language i tried to teach it...it doesn't have the same visual impact as the thought it represents. it will be a piece that, if sold, will be missed, but i almost feel like it belongs to someone else already. i'm just not sure who. well, although my computer lied to me and converted daylight savings time already, it actually is my Work Night Bedtime. all day i couldn't figure out what time it was...conflicting reports from electronic sources. FINALLY i reached Kathy, who was way too busy studying, and instead of "hello" i demanded - "what time is it?!" she's accustomed to me. she understands. i fear i may grow into the old, eccentric artist on the street...shooing kids with a broom or a hose in the summer. did i say "fear?" i may have meant "hope." tee. so g'night y'all....sweet dreams and happy slumbers...it's definately a 2 dog night here...brrrr. L

hmmmmm

(not a great pic, but it's completely Angelina, with some little flowers with tiny pearls i glued into centers, and some pink & purple cab teardrop shparkle thingies. it has more depth of color in person, but the blinding reflectiveness of Angelina makes the camera scream) *** ok. with this many aggravations in my life, i have to step back and say "what is the lesson here?" just what am i supposed to be learning here? there has to be some Message that i should be learning, because my magical, peaceful days and nights have turned into an endless stream of flame-outs....and the full moon hasn't helped. i've blamed a lot on the fairy wings, and to be fair, they have thrilled in their torture of me. but there has been a constant parade of moments that have just Pissed Me Off To The 3rd Realm Of Malfeasant Thought the past 4 days. Dreamweaver has taken roost in the diningroom, and diva won't come out of the closet. (she's still on a hunger strike, despite 6 different foods i've tried). so aaanyway, i went for a walk today and tried to find a common thread, an "ah ha" to all these Things That Keep Happening. i'm not sure yet, but i did learn a few things about myself that may help me repeat the same scenarios again. and maybe that IS the lesson....maybe i need to learn these few things, quickly, because if opptys keep presenting themselves to me at this same pace without This Knowledge, i'll crash for sure. First, it was important for me to recognize that I am a very goal-oriented person. to the nth degree. not competitive. but regimented in attaining a goal. a list-maker, a timeline maker & follower. a brutal self-critic. and half-Jewish. i was an excellent producer...always planning for the worst-case-scenario. always building in extra time....way lots extra time. to the point where most of my vacations with my husband start and end in huge fights and tears and stomach aches - he, the God of The Last Possible Second...counterpoint, me, 30 minutes early is 15 minutes late. trying to negotiate a departure time for the airport is like negotiating world peace at the U.N...i worry, become agitated, and am Certain that every item on my "what if" list will indeed happen on the way to the airport. (which is 15 minutes away by hiway). (maybe 20 if traffic is bad) (oh, and construction...add another 10 minutes for that.) (oh - and if it's after 6am...forget it...leave at least an hour). and i've also learned to be of independant spirit. those were difficult, painful lessons to learn. i Earned my diploma. i became myself. and i'm very content with who i am (depite point #1). i am not yet my best self, but in this regard, i have come to stop the inner critic. so now i am able to say, "i am an artist," in a strong voice, matter-of-factly, and without apology, AND actually feel that "i AM an artist," it isn't a little girl at play wearing her mom's dress-up shoes and trying on her lipstick. it IS who i am. and i know my soul-art. and i know my muse. and, yes, i am capable of making fairy wings for a candyland bed, but, you know, it ain't me. i also know that i push myself to achieve, and over-deliver. it makes me stressed and artistically frozen. which in turn frustrates me and then angers me and makes me wonder why i ever picked up a rusty nail in the first place. so, the lessons of the fairywings.....1)don't make art for money UNLESS it is truly MY art. 2)don't overpromise, or accept an unreasonable deadline...if the person has hired me to do the job - they can't do it themselves, so they have no idea what is involved, despite their appreciation for it. 3) don't accept a commission for work that isn't "mine." if i don't love the concept/materials/whatever, walk away. leave time/oppty for something else...it will come. and if you ("you" meaning "me") do find yourself in the unenviable position such as The Fairywing Incident, then for God's sake, shut the F up, stop whining, stop procrastinating, get out there and make the damn things because everyone, i'm sure, is pretty damn tired of hearing about your tortured soul and these frickin wings. so, not bad for a 20 minute walk, eh? is good, ya? L.

"Fury"

I got this in the mail today from the gallery owner....here's some felted work...it's called Fury. now, you know there's a story behind it, but just a little one. Back in the old days (april-ish) when i still worked at my Big Girl job full time, i decided to take a day off. husband was going out of town, and the steppers were not scheduled to be at the house. so i planned Linda's Big Day of Felting. now if you've ever felted, you know how labor intensive it is. plus, i have to convert my kitchen into a koi pond in order to do it, because the garage is too darn cold or hot, and my upstairs studio is not water resistant. the floor is the ceiling from downstairs and neither is capable of ignoring THAT much water being poured upon them. so i empty the kitchen of all extraneous floor model things...shoes, garbage can, dog bowls, etc. Took a huge huge waterproof tarp thingie and spread it out on the floor, careful to duct tape it to the cabinets part way up in case of splashage. two of my looong folding tables comes in from the Testosterone Temple. Roving and yarns and netting and plastic sheeting and Dove for Dishes and buckets and whatall get dragged in and assembled, some spilling into the dining room area. pool noodles crash into the chandelier 4 or 5 times before i remember to look first. the coffee pot is loaded. the CD player is going. I lock the door from the garage to the kitchen Just In Case someone forgot something and comes in and blows all my nicely placed roving into a maelstrom. it was a wednesday. how do i remember that, you may ask? well, because wednesday is the day the steppers USUALLY come over, but Not This Wednesday because dad is out of town. he switched weeks, because what would be the point of visitation, when the vist-or was not there? so i spent the morning dyeing some silk, dried it and then began laying out the most beautiful pattern. to die for. your eyes wouldn't be able to behold it. half way through, the front door bangs open and in come boychild, who goes right to his room, cellphone in ear, grabs his guitar , comes back into the livingrom, turns on the TV. he is now on the phone, playing guitar, and watching TV. as the door opened, my zen flew out. i was beyond rage...it was FURY. i had finally carved out a few hours of peace and quiet for myself...diva was actually at Camp Grandma's for the day, even. and now BAM. so, what do i say...excuse me, but you have to leave? that doesn't seem right to do. i reminded him that his father wasn't here that night. oh he knew. had a fight with mom, so is going to crash here. THAT was it. i grabbed up all the roving and threw it in the air. decided i would NEVER EVER EVER felt again. EVER. there would never be enough peace to do it. as the roving floated back to the silk like snowflakes, it landed pretty much like you see above. i kinda liked it. and i figured, in for a penny-in for a pound. i couldn't waste all that roving, after all. so i felted and felted and rolled and rolled. finally - out of fury came Fury. and that, my friends, is a true story. Linda

for the men in your life

....that is if you know any Tim Taylor Tool Time types....http://www.livevideo.com/video/537FF9DA20B44560845DEE157D1F9DD6/man-made-card.aspx how men make cards and still feel butch. oy. so i'm back to normal (for me...it's a relative thing) . I let DreamWeaver scare the pants off the girlchild, and we settled in sufficiently to get some Good Thoughts in, and to re-center things. same old lesson keeps coming back to haunt me: Follow The Peace. i had happy, peaceful thoughts about doing the wings in muslin. i tried to make the non-muslin look like muslin. The commission-er originally hired me based on a doll of mine that she saw - made of muslin. and guess what? i have Just Enough Muslin on hand to make these wings! i love them (even in their naked state). everything feels right about the project now, and some revised sketches i did make me smile. if momma's happy....aaanyway. the chaos and frenzy feeling have dissipated (as well as the Red Bull) and i have a feeling that i may actually finish this on time! hunh. i'm going to try to get a picture of this maple tree down the road...it is breathtaking in it's autumn red/orangeness...i daresay it's downright showing off! well back to the beadwork. ahhhh.

shriek II

ok forget all those pictures...back to the drawing board...have i mentioned how much i love/hate commissions? nice that someone cares enought to HIRE you to do work, but aaaarrrggghh the anguish of getting it right - someone elses Right. i got an honest & true 17-year old opinion....she loved it. then i told her how much i was getting paid for it, and we agreed that it looked good for Someone's Kid's bed, but not for THAT amount. so i'm heading for the comfort & predictability of my painted/beaded muslin. (of course that's today). oh how i crave some rusty stuff. Linda

shriek!

so i cooled out a bit and started working...just mindlessly working. Dreamweaver the crow helped a bit. i tried to knock the pink & purple down a bit with some fabric paint spray, but it got all gloppy...i'll try some sponging.

peek

ok...i put on my Big Girl Pants...quit whining long enough to realize that this is NOT such a big hairy deal...and just got busy. it was the construction of the wingspan that was getting me, so i realized - duh -that this is Halloween. the worst that could happen is that i BUY some fairy wings and sew my pre-constructed beadwork onto them. we have 2 excellent costume shops nearby that are open year-round,so they're stocked to the gills most days. so tomorrow at dark o'clock, yours truly will head out for a just-in-case purchase. whew. here's a peek.....

just bead it

ha! yes - i am funny. bead it. hilarious. 3 cans of Red Bull (diet) and 4 continuous hours of beading ahead of me. pink beads. oy. i can't do anything but my best, but there's the rub....if this 1st set of fairy wings comes out good, then there will be 3 more to do. *sigh* so here i procrastinate. many wonderful things have happened in the past few days, but i'm jittery and high on Bull, so i will wait till another time to relay them. suffice it to say that as a cosmic trade-off for completely humiliating myself in front of the CEO of my Big Girl Job (social retard that i am), the universe has provided me with an unending supply of FREE alginate. a substance i only recently discovered, despite the fact that my Cubicle is 1 floor directly over a motherload of the stuff. who knew? and you know when you do something oh-so-stupid, you feel compelled to share it with 20 of your closest friends? no? just me? oh. well. so when my bosses boss called me into her office to discuss the Incident with Bob (the CEO), i almost jumped out her window. it wasn't until i was throwing myself across her floor begging for an end to my misery, that i noticed a slight twitch at the corner of her mouth. i held onto that twitch (mentally of course) and reasoned that maybe, just maybe, i was being set up & punked...much like i had done to many a coworker, using lesser tactics. maybe not, though...a risk to inquire. worth it? why not - any fragment of ego was long forgotten...i had most certainly lost my part time employment at the only job that let me be me, as long as i was Someone Else with the customers on the phone. oy. the strangling decision. i went for it. stood up, looked her in the eye, and said brilliantly, "heyyyyyy!" (the defense rests). whereupon i realized i'd played the right cards...i was punked. now how do you like it missy, i ask myself. so okay, i know...back to work. isn't life just all chocolate sometimes? check out the anatomical chocolate heart (and brain, etc) at http://www.pushindaisies.com/ ...very nice! Linda

my Lake

yes...the lake really was that beautiful! and diva enjoyed herself immensely! more later!

in case you wondered

so this is what i was up to at 4am.....how 'bout you? miles and miles of bridal lace....freshly ripped from the hem of a very froofy gown (which diva has been claiming as her bed). the gown was not mine. either time. there was a certain satisfaction in the ripping sound! i kept hearing Billy Idol in my head. hey little sister... aaanyway...my broseph is coming by to drop off organ parts and to get his birfday gift.....it's awesome if i do say so myself! and i managed to keep it a secret. i usually give gifts way way early because i'm too excited, or way way late because i get caught in the detail work. next year - gift cards! (kidding). later today - off to the Lake with diva! hope to get some swell pics. hey if anyone has some pink beads laying around that they don't want........Linda

i'll show you the door

here's a sampling from http://www.significantelements.org/ ...i regret that i did NOT make it to FREE friday....these are stolen from their website. 400 doors...corbels o plenty...i regret missing out on most free things...however, the universe had other plans for me today. remember the headboards commission? i met with the commisson-er ...an incredible person who loves me more than she should....and has faith in me to create wonderful beautiful things. i am humbled by her praises and confidence. truly. and i will do this project for her because she is an Important Person to me. but let me say this - when you think of wispy, pinky, light and gracious fairy wings upon candyland pink 4-poster canopy little darling beds, if you know me at all, then my name would never come to mind as the person to create such a sugarplum delight. so i guess i should be double-honored to do this, all 4 beds to start. but the part of me that makes me ME is in full leather studded revolt. i'm excited to do the project, don't get me wrong. but it's just so......PINK! so very very pink. and not like-the-singer-Pink. bubblegum pink, with a little heartsy shape over the "I" pink. pink pink pink. i really really hate pink. but i love my friend, and i love the concept and so i will wrassle pink chiffon into fairy wings with uber-beadwork and little faschizzles all over them. i may even *gasp* make a life size fairy-person to come up over the headboard to wear these wings. now that would be fun. maybe i could sneak a little tattoo on her! gotta work fast tho - deadline for sugarplum #1.....11/13. my photog has proven himself incredibly talented and equally as unreliable. after 3 cancellations, you just don't want my business bad enough. onward from there. diva and i snuck in a post-rain walk, and the smell of the pine needles....oohhh! heaven! maybe i should make a pine needle fairy. a little on the asking-for-trouble-when-a-little-eye-gets-poked-out side of things maybe. pink. hunh. so i'm off to try to find a dumpster load of pink beads and ribbons and chochkees to sew on. i refuse to glitter though. i stand firm on the glitter issue. there is a bonus here tho...a rusty lining to a dark cloud....my friend's basement is crammed with old rusty tin ceiling tile. she slyly gave me a piece to take home and fondle, with innuendos of more to come. that one ain't stupid! i am not in the least ungrateful, tho for entertainment purposes i rant on. it's true i don't at all like pink. but work is work i guess! and i hope to be able to exceed her expectations. i will, however, be preparing tactful protests of No More Pink. maybe with a little seafoam green............Linda

Significant Elements

what an exciting day in store!! Significant Elements (google em) is having Free Friday!! a day in which they round up a huge bunch-o-Stuff from their magnificent 3-story warehouse and plop it into the parking lot....and it's yours for the hauling! i emailed the head guy there (thank you for the intro Kathy! okay DC likes you as much) for a hint as to what may be in the Pile today. his reply included items thoughtfully numbered 1-20...with the first 10 being "doors". i needed to know ahead of time because Ithaca is about an hour and 20 from here, but 3 hours back home. there is no easy way to backtrack the 1-way & construction-site streets from the warehouse to the hiway. at least not for me. and i usually end up in an area where i am the only english-speaking person so asking for directions is pointless. add to that the tentative nature of my driving abilities with my NEW glasses, and you got a high frustration level just banging on the door. but there IS a sink scheduled for the Pile. and a chandelier. and i'm hoping to weedle a few of these incredible chairs outta them. we'll see. no pun intended. this place is just mecca...plain and simple. diva dog heard Something around 4am and began barking furiously. she wasn't sure just WHAT it was, but it was coming to do Great Harm to her humans. or maybe she DREAMED that Something was coming to do Great Harm. but you can't be too careful. so the alarm went out. soon, Coco and Ollie picked up the message and THEY started in next door, which alerted Sasha across the street who woke up Ginger (the mini pin) and Chauncey up 1 house, and of course Smokey- the -dog -who- got- hit- by -the- neighbor's- truck -and -survived got into the mix waking up his family, including 4 month old Julianna the fairydoll baby and little matt who's 3. soon, everyone on the street could be heard griping at their dogs to Shut Up...except my husband who slept through it all. amazing. he can hear me trying to steal his credit card - er borrow- from his wallet at 6am and 1 floor down, but this wild cacaphony of alert doesn't phase him. i feel safe. well...the hands are sore and twitchy today...time for some heat and massage. will try to bring back pics of the Pile. if i make it back. does St Anthony do directions, or just help you find your keys to go get lost? Linda

proof

i just wanted to prove that i actually do get up and try to be productive THIS early on my days off.

ICU

remember the skier Pikaboo Street? the old joke about her donating $$ to the hospital? it would be for the Pikabo ICU. aaanyway. no - i don't CU yet....the Drama Of The Glasses continues. i need a helmet that's for sure. what an entirely different day it was with over-impaired vision, though! Do Not Drive near me. i suppose i should be more responsible about being on the road, but being half Canadian, i drive badly on a good day! so today i amused myself on the endless calls by trying out different accents. the Scottish brough seems most natural...although a daresay a Scotman would cringe and wail like a bagpipe if he heard it. Yiddish was a shoe-in. Brooklyn (you talkin to ME?!) was fun but close to that line of being sent to the naughty chair. at one point during the day, my boss was monitoring my call (beeeep beeep in your ear) so i put on a clinic. all in all, what i lacked in vision, i made up for in entertainment value. plus, we've all invented a new game called Make Your Co-Worker Snort. (listen...unless you've spent the better hours of your life in a cubicle, just shush). you write something funny on a sticky note, and tack it to the little window-like glass-ish part near the top of your cubby. then email your coworker to look up. i raised the bar a bit. SOMEone put a stress ball in my desk drawer on one of my days off. it's pink and it's filled with gel. it is a breast. nipple and all. so after hitting the "send" button for the "look up" message....you guessed it - smoosh. i cannot believe how infantile and degrading this must sound....you wish you could play too, huh? and to think we complain about the infantile & degrading comments our customers make. now i need to find out just who in the cubby farm put that breast in my drawer. so tomorrow is ART day! i have an early afternoon mtg about the beds. Yay! today was so exceptional...despite all of the above. each day i feel more confident that Big Things Will Continue. i'm so happy to be in the place i'm in now...mentally, creatively, internally. i feel very centered, and not like i have to be all serious and spiritual...actually, i feel so much more spiritual and "in tune" now then ever before - even when i'm goofing at the cubby farm. and i feel it boomeranging back at me...returning the joy and compassion with a few more bits attached to it...then back out again, and the return ever increasing. it is so amazing. the law of attraction thing in full force. i am so grateful for the opportunities that have presented themselves to me....at this time in my life...when i can examine each with the wisdom of the past 49 years and decide true or false/yes or no/productive or draining. my husband spent dinnertime trying to get his questions answered: Why do i jump from "trade to trade" and master none? why can't i focus on 1 medium? blah blah. in the past i would have been hurt beyond repair (or smacked him with a pan). but i explained to him that, indeed i had mastered all that i do...as much as is needed for the project and a little growth...and that doing 1 thing over and over is not how i work. that i enjoy rust & wood as much as felt and fiber. that the muse strikes differently at different times, and i was blessed and grateful that i could be available for whatever medium was needed for the particular message that needed to be wrought. now, i should have stopped there, you know, but it was a long day. so i asked the same of him...why did he hunt AND fish AND take photographs AND golf? and never really brought home anything from these trips in the woods? oy how tiring he can be....$6million dollars and my dream house by the end of the year....$6million dollars and my dream house by the end of the year. so i'm off to focus on some beadwork for a doll i'm making for a wonderful co-worker...so shy, so insecure..i feel a warrior inside her though. Linda