reminder

if you're a new reader to my blog....welcome! i'm honored! please go into the archive section and start at the beginning, though..."saying goodbye." it's worth the effort, and most of the best stuff starts there! the most current stuff seems to be rants on life....the older stuff is more delicious.........L

stolen

i stole this quote...don't tell.... The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of Christian, but the fact that I am a Christian does make me a different kind of woman. For I have accepted God's idea of me, and my whole life is an offering back to Him of all that I am and all that He wants me to be. -Elisabeth Elliot

who am i

so the hoo-ha over the underage drinking party in our house while we were on vacation is over. my stepchildren will be Amish till March 1st. this whole event was a culmination of issues that were brought to the surface and spewed out before us to sort through and repair, clean up, or discard. habits to be tossed. attitudes to take ownership of and change. decisions to make about what to allow in and what to keep out. ideas and ideals. morals and behaviors. ground zero. starting over. "are you with me, or against me?" there was a certain satisfaction in the "i told you so" department of my head (3rd floor...handbags, luggage, and ladies lingerie) when my stepson looked my husband in the eye incredulously and demanded to know why this was a problem - that he'd been partying for a few years and thought my husband knew. but it broke my heart to see the look on husband's face - he had trusted his son to always do the right thing, and given him freedoms accordingly. much like finding out your partner has been having an affair. so the entire family has been stripped raw - down to basics, with no rose-colored glasses. each examining themselves and one another. what we thought was there, turns out was not. the lights came on too soon in the spook house ride. that brought me back to my continuing and insistant thoughts of "who am i?" not an easy question. at first, trying to define it, i had a list of roles that i played in my daily life....wife, stepmother (or stepmonster, as the case may be), clerk, puppy mom, daughter...etc. but are any of those roles "WHO" i am? what do i mean by who? i guess it means my essence. and if that's the definition i work by, then i guess "who" can only be defined as "how." how i react to a situation. or a person. or the sweet smell from the white-budded apple blossoms in the spring. or how the sight of Lake Ontario takes my very soul and flies with it. how i feel like a natural woman. my spiritual core. i envision myself as a kathryn hepburn-esque type inside. definately not what is projected. but why? is it to protect myself? my heart? what? if it's protection, then why bother at all? why keep your jewels in a box? that's like storing away the "good" china....why bother having it if no one can enjoy it? so the protection angle doesn't seem right. maybe i'm living a life that is not mine - a life of neccesity, rather than of truth. that rings a bit more true. at the thought of this morsel, my breath is gone. my brain started the wheels grinding....what is truth? what is real? what is me? much to think about...some things too scary....all exciting. ....L.

untitled

the original intention of this blog was to make a few moments of life a little more thoughtful, a little more 3D, a little more colorful. to share how i look at the world (however skewed that may be sometimes!) and to be able to put down in words, all the wonderful and not-so-wonderful things going on in my life. the past few months have been an incredible trial...losing Bear, then Nikita, marriage struggles, step-kid struggles, and the usual change of season yukkies. i have gone from having my art wrapped tightly around me like a cozy bathrobe, to finding no inspiration whatsoever, then back again. nothing compares to the past 7 days, however. the mental and physical agonies of breaking this nicotine addiction have surpassed anything i've encountered in my life. if you've just met me in the past 15 years, you can't imagine how the previous 15 went! when i was 23, i woke up one morning with crushing pain in my left arm and right elbow. 3 hours later, i was paralyzed. it stayed that way through 3 years of intense and excruciating physical therapy. even the slightest touch on my arm or hand was like being set on fire. i was told i'd never walk or use my hands again. i fought and fought and am completely back to "normal." i tell you this so you underatnd that i am a fighter...a survivor of whatever life has to throw at me. 25 years ago, i walked away from a $1000/week cocaine habit without a second look back. just woke up one morning and said "i'm not going to do this anymore" and didn't. but this nicotine habit...it's a different beast altogether. yesterday i got an email from a friend telling me of the impending death of another...just hours away from death, his body ravaged by lung cancer. and still, i craved. my husbands friend ...another cancer victim from chewing tobacco....about to have part of his tongue cut away. and still i craved. i have cancer running at me from both sides of my family. and still i crave. last night i woke up every 2 hours - my body screaming for nicotine. i caved in. i smoked. was it satisfying? yes and no. i will try again. i know that i can make it at least 7 days. next time, perhaps i'll re-try some of the things that i've tried before - patch, gum, etc. it makes me wonder....they have treatment facilities for alcoholics and drug addicts - why none for smokers? i regret that my hair and clothes and car and hands and breath will smell like the back of a Greyhound bus (or greyhound dog, for that matter). i regret that my life will be measured in 2 hour increments - when will i be able to take a quick smoke break? i regret that i will be self-concious when i kiss my husband. and that my little dog will sneeze when she follows me into the bathroom where i smoke. and that i won't be able to run with her without wheezing. i regret all these things - not to mention the cost financially. but of all the things that life has thrown at me - this one has stuck. i will try again tomorrow. day by day. hour by hour. L.

aaarrrggghhhh!

well i made it another smoke-free day....but just by the skin of my teeth. a "dear" "friend" (?) emailed me to remind me that she had zero cravings after just 3 days and never looked back. she also reminded me that she gained 50 pounds. this is serious cause for pause. it's not that i care about a person's size/shape etc...even mine...it's just that i cannot afford a new wardrobe right now. i just got the new-sized one. anyway, i have a 4-paw fuzzy waiting somewhat impatiently for me on my pillow, and i need to sleep before i eat or smoke, so say a prayer for me and we'll see what happens next! linda

day 5

so it's either day 5 or day 6 - depending on how you count....i have been smokefree since last friday at 11pm. this has been the most difficult week of my life. and it continues to be still. yesterday was a very good day, with just mild cravings every 4 hours or so....nothing i couldn't just flick away. today, though, i feel like i'm back at day 3...moments of intense cravings. checking old ashtrays around the garage. found 1 butt - not even a butt, just a 1-drag stub from last summer. thought very seriously of firing it up. threw it out in the snow. i know if i leave the house today, i will stop at a convenience store. since they don't sell just one cigarette, i'd have to buy a pack, and you know where this is going. so i sit here in my pj's at noon-37, hair all wet, sweat pants drooping....if i get dressed, i'll go out. if i go out, i'll buy cigarettes. my friend gail is coming for lunch tomorrow - she's getting takeout and bringing it so i won't go out. good friends are hard to come by. and i'm thinking, if i never am able to leave the house again, i'd better be pretty darn nice to the friends i have! actually, i have been blessed with some of the most incredible friends...mostly women, actually even a few ladies! creative, fun, be-there-for-you types. i think about each one individually from time to time and it just makes me smile, and also wonder what i did to deserve such gifts. to my friends : you are my pearls, my diamonds, my treasure. i try to tell each of you how special you are to me, but in case i've failed - know that you are very very special. okay now - if i don't get felting, i'll get dressed and go out. and that can only be trouble......L

addiction

so it's day 5....still no smoking, but i'm a little nervous about going home. at least here, i have someone to yell at me and refuse to take me to the store. at this point, i'd feel a little embarrassed about asking a stranger for a cigarette. now day 2...that was killer. i would have done just about anything for a smoke. it's been very eye-opening. i have a new understanding of, and appreciation for, drug addicts and alcoholics. yes, i am an addict too. cigarettes are my "legal" drug. after 5 days, i still have moments where the urge is almost beyond what i can bear. almost. i tell myself that in 10 minutes i'll find a cigarette. just 1 drag. i mean, if i was using the patch or gum, i'd still be getting some nicotine in, right? but i have a feeling that i'm like that saying for drinkers - "1 is too many and 1000 isn't enough." yes, i have an "addictive personality." i don't do anything 1/2 way - i go both feet in and up to my neck. good or bad. yes i hate the fact that i look for job based on the potential to take smoke breaks. and if i go to a movie, have to beat feet to the exit AS SOON AS the movie's over, just to smoke. and road trips are planned with smokers only. or i drive, so i can smoke in my own car. there are 1 million ways that smoking controls my life....and as i sit here right now, the thought that i would still do almost anything for 1 drag of a cigarette passing through my body, i know it will be a while before i can go hangin' with smokers in a smoking environment. the withdrawl process is the most horrific thing i have experienced in my life. chills, rash, creepy crawlies in my veins, rage, blurred vision, migraine, constipation (5 days and counting), uncontrollable crying, more rage. i would not go through this again. so if i fail now, it will be the last attempt. yes i know i have cancer racing at me from both sides of the family, but this is truly more than i would be able to go through again. well, the last few hours of vacation are calling.....look for my mixed media piece in the next Cloth,Paper,Scissors magazine!! Yippee! L.

quitting smoking & rage

i'm in florida right now...have been since saturday. haven't been able to get near a computer till now though. i'll try to remember events as best i can put together...bear in mind they are colored by addiction withdrawl (cigarettes), rage (16 & 17 year old having party in "dad's" house while he's away) and yet more rage (the changes in my life trying to move ahead). okay, so no-smoke day 1 was bad....i only had 4 hours sleep friday night, and woke up at 4am to shovel the driveway, load the car, wake up Bill and head to the airport. take-off was delayed as they de-iced again and again. the cravings were absolutely horrible. Bill and i were both trying to quit, and gave each other permission to be total and complete sons-of-guns towards each other if that's what it took. it was a relief from spending the last month not talking. we arrived in florida to warm sun, and still no smoking. very tense. very edgy. stood downwind from a smoker. arrived at the hotel and felt like my skin was crawling. ate a great dinner (i think) and we finally got to sleep around 11pm. i had been up since 4am, so was beyond crabby and cranky and desperately wanted a smoke. at 12:30 in the morning, the phone starts ringing....17year old stepson and 16-year old stepdaughter are having a party at our house. underage drinking. my rage-ometer hits an alltime high. i am out of control. Bill decides that they should stay there the night rather than risk drinking/driving. i say, send the police over and let their parents sort it out. i wonder where are the police? i have a property check on the house. where are my parents? they were supposed to stay there and watch the dog? i am out of my mind with white-hot rage. if there was a convenience store nearby, i'd be smoking right now. maybe Willie Dixon's Bail Bonds down the street would sell me just one. Bill and i fight with the vengenance of alpha cats in each other's territory the next day. he is mistaken in thinking that i'll behave in public. i am under the influence of hormones and nicotine withdrawl. we go out to a very nice restaurant that night. i leave him sitting at the table while i take a tearful lap around the parking lot. then he leaves me in tears at the table. water service was substandard at our table, needless to say. i tell him i want to leave him - i hate him, i hate his son, and i now hate his daughter too. we go back to the hotel room. i am melting. my hands/feet and face are bloated and i look like i've been crying for months. my skin is itchy crawly. i hate a craving, an urge, a longing that defies description. i know when i get back from vacation, i'll start smoking again, so why put myself through this now? i can't find a store within walking distance. i dream of tarantulas. more to come...L.

snow n self

so it finally snowed! hopefully i don't sound too excited about it! As i shoveled the heavy boulders of ice left by the plow at the end of my driveway, i turned my mind to other things. in a week, i'll be in Tampa. hopefully no snow. then i began to muse about gifts. to some, the snow was a gift - plow drivers, ski resort owners, little kids trying to earn a buck shoveling (tho none in my sight!). that got me thinking about gifts. how often do i think about "...if i win the lottery..." and daydream about what i'd do with the largesse. it usually starts out very philanthropic, but seems to drift to more me me me after a bit. remember the desperate prayers you've lobbed heavenward? "God, if you just help me pass this test I'll..." fill in the blank. or "if you could make so-and-so my boyfriend, i'll..." fill in that blank. (actually, in retrospect, so-and-so probably WAS the blank!) But no gift comes without work, or cost. even on the simplest level, a small gift given has a tag. my art is a gift given to me - the inspiration coming from who-knows-where and ending up in a harmonic convergence of hands and brain. don't ask me how - it just happens. a common object will suddenly catch my interest, and the possibilities of what it could become start to unfold. a little of this here, a little of that there, and voila....a new old object! same with me. a common object - you see humans everywhere these days. but when was the last time i took time to discover the possibilities of what I could become? or maybe what i HAVE become, but just hadn't noticed. is there a little of this here, where a year ago there was none? maybe a little less of that, and more of this? and who is the artist creating me? my creations are made from rusted metal, wood and fiber, and to my knowledge, don't sit and ponder how a can opener got to be a shrine or goddess-of-this-or-that. i may be getting a little obscure here, but my point is that my art pieces evolve, and i consider each point along the way an amazing work-within-the-work....why shouldn't i look at myself in the same way? and why haven't i taken the time to? when i'm creating a piece, i watch carefully - if this rusty screw or nut doesn't "gel" with the overall feel that i want, then it's removed. if it does, then i glue, staple, wire, or otherwise attach it so it will be there forever. i'm thinking i need to do the same with what i let in to my "self" and what i don't. examine the things that bombard me internally AND from others on a daily basis...thoughts, emotions, moods, opinions, etc. what will i reject? what will i make a part of this creation? this work in progress. from the hand of the Artist comes choices...which ones best fit the final creation? stop. turn your head and look. spend a moment taking care with the most beautiful creation yet. your self. L.

be nice

i just happened acros a blog entry by an incredible artist named bernie berlin. she's also runs a dog & cat rescue in kentucky. an amazing person with what must be boundless capacity to love and push out evil...a lot like my friend betsie. (by the way - did y'all send your checks to the CNYSPCA?) bernie has an eye-watering, 4-kleenex story on her most recent blog entry about her christmas rescue dog, noel. she was a bait dog like my nikki.

identity

so, a lot of time was spent in the fall thinking about time. as i hit my 49th birthday, i wonder : who am i? i remember when i was a kid, anyone older than 16 was old! 30 was really old. 40 was, well, really really old. at 50, you were someone's grandmother. you became invisible. you didn't really pay attention to those older folks in the shopping centers (believe it or not, there were no malls back then). they were just old people. doddering. foolish. old-fashioned. guess what? i'm almost there. and i don't FEEL doddering or foolish. true, my knees and hands aren't what they used to be. true, i sometimes forget the point of my sentences. true, i've heard myself start sentences with, "when i was your age..." but that doesn't make me an old person. does it? not like when i was young. and i fear becoming invisible. outdated. obsolete. i've seen communication go from 5-cent phone booths (yes- phone booths), to 10-cents to 25-cents and now 50-cents. not that anyone uses them. then bag phones, 25-pound mobile phones. now, everyone has a Star Trek-like device jammed in their ear so they can walk along (hopefully) talking to whomever on the other end. just what is so urgent that it has to be discussed 24/7? i remember having to wait till the "cheap time" to make long distance calls. now, any night or weekend will do, or any time of day if you're on the same network. home computers, microwaves, and *gasp* color TV all came into being in my lifetime. remember rabbit ears? so, a part of me feels very very old. but a part of me feels the same as i did when i was in my 20's and matching my legwarmers to my outfit du jour. i feel the same, but different. life is more precious to me, but not so serious. the drama of it all is past. i've learned that taking chances in life won't necessarily kill you. there is no right or wrong path to take. just don't stand still. take the path and make the best of the walk. it may be an uphill climb, but isn't the view the best from the top? it may be an easy paved path. don't we all wish for that? but anyway, to the meat of the matter. who am i? i don't need to spend a lot of time on that one, but it's interesting to watch how different people react differently to me. i guess it depends on when they met me in my life, or how they wish i was (as opposed to how i am). or maybe it's the situation they see me in most. for instance, the people at my job know me only in that environment. when i say something that doesn't "gel" with their perception of me, it's kind of fun to see the look on their face. my husband met me when i was taking a break from my art and recharging. i was in my badass phase - working at 911 and trying to keep a shell around my heart to protect myself from the horror of the job. art would crack that shell too much. so for him, this "art thing" is new. a phase. a hobby. hard for him to take me seriously as an artist. i understand it, but am frustrated by it. and sad that he is missing out on me. my artists friends are probably the ones who see the real me. i am constantly amazed when i look in the mirror. i have a mental picture of how i look on the inside - sort of a Stevie Nicks-ish spiritual type of look. ah yes - like the "artsy old ladies" with all the layers of Bluefish clothing. back to the old thing! last year, i cut my elbow-length hair short short short. like, can't even comb it short. i was working in radio and getting up at 3am. 2 of my 3 dogs were very old, and very high-maintenance. the hair had to go. i miss it now that my life has gotten simpler. but it's hair. just hair. i feel like a tall, thin, elegant woman. in fact, outside, i am short, a few extra pounds proceed me, and as far as elegant....well, not always. rarely. so should i become more the inside me? does it matter? i wonder if people would react differently to me if i dressed and acted more like the inside person. i'm comfortable with each role i must play - the work person, the art person, the friend in need, the friend who's there for you, the stepmother, the daughter, and yes, the wife. (although i admit, that's still a puzzle to me). so as the new year starts for the world, and also for me in my 49th year, i'll have to do some more thinking about identity and roles and what is genuine. prosperity and peace to y'all this year....and save the date - i'm having a surprise party for myself on my 50th! shhh! L.

do you see what i see? happy holidays

last year, right around this time, i spied 4 little black eyes staring up into the heavens side-by-side. catching snowflakes on their little noses. it was one of those "moments."

portions

art, to me, is every warm summer sun on your back after spending an hour in the pool playing mermaid with your best-friend-for-life...it's every first taste of panda paws ice cream with chocolate syrup....it's every warm furry four-legged body curled against you on a cold winter night, sighing, and holding your pinky finger with a paw.....it's the crunch of autumn leaves on the path through the woods - slight hickory smoke smells in the air, a surprise of warmth that late in the year. that's art to me. it's more than creating cool stuff. it's a birth of myself, over and over again. it's a primal urge that cannot be denied. perhaps surpressed for a time, but cannot be eradicated. it's as much a part of me as brown (ish) hair. when i'm in the zone, it's as much a rush as that first cigarette of the day, or too much coffee. the end result comes as much of physical deflation as an emotional moment. it's like a symphony being created. the slow quiet flutes and oboes giving way to the full monty brass section and percussion as the pieces to the puzzle become clear in my mind - this wire goes here, that fiber goes there - and my hands place and twist and glue, till the finale. there's almost a depression that follows, a let down when the piece is finished. like birth. the labor sweat gives way to tired fulfillment. as my time to create has been all but taken, i find it painful to even look in my studio. to want something so out of reach. unrequited love. i dare not to even think in color. this isa time that is calling me to find balance. it feels like this is my lesson to learn. balance in every area of my life - balancing time, balancing emotion. as hormones ebb and flow and rage and soften, i must learn to balance what i allow to tarry in my thoughts. as my time becomes stretched so thin, i must learn to parcel out the sections and pieces so precious. this will force me to pick at and examine each thing that comes my way - is this important enough for me to spend time on? if so, what will have to wait? so i accept the challenge, reluctantly, and hope it will make me a better person...both to myself and to those i love. and the art that awaits my hand and the symphony. L.

beautiful

Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet... the next time sunrise steals your breath, or a meadow leaves you speechless, remain that way. say nothing. and listen as heaven whispers, "do you like it? i did it just for you." max lucado

o christmas tree

so we finally got a christmas tree today. we strung the lights and some red and gold beads and decided to leave the box of decorations out and put a few on every time we pass by. no one seems to have the heart for it this year, partly because of the weather i think. all i can think of is the holiday picture. every year since we moved here, i'd make jenny take a picture in front of the tree with Bear. Kita would be next - by himself, the ham - and forget about Nikki....she's as good as amish around the camera. this year, no picture to take. it's seems even more emptier here. last night i bought nikki a white teddy bear at the dollar store...long legs and not much stuffing. she drags that darn thing around like a woobie, and uses it for a pillow. she's seemed lonely a lot lately too. last year Nikita thought we'd gotten him indoor plumbing for christmas, and peed on the tree. you just had to laugh about it. i sure miss him. it's funny how this one holiday brings out the lonelies in people like no other. why is that? maybe because of all the hype and hustle & bustle attached to it. although i love getting presents, it's my least favorite holiday. i need quieter spaces. i am truly looking forward to january though! we're headed to florida for 5 days, then i come home alone and have 5 days off BY MYSELF! i hope to make good art. i'm also hoping to quit smoking during the 5 days gone, so cross your fingers for me. on top of having 4 friends with cancer (2 terminal), a friend of bill's was just told that lump on his neck is stage 4 cancer and has also spread to his tongue. even though there's not much hope (in the doc's view) they plan to start chemo & cutting. i guess that part scared me. imagine having your tongue cut away - you couldn't talk or eat well, etc. those 2 things are what i do best. seriously. so bill and i are both going to try to quit....should be a banner vacation! well, fatigue is starting to creep in, and nyquil is calling, so i'll try to think of some deep thoughts for next time! don't forget the $25 donation-to-the-CNYSPCA-challenge....have ya sent your check? if you don't have anyone to send it in remembrance of, send it in memory of my Bear - he came to Bill from the shelter, and we'll mss him under our tree this year. L.

frazzled

i frazzled, exhausted and covered in dog vomit. nice picture, eh? try BEING it! didn't get home till after 8pm 'cause the cash drawer wouldn't total again. the girl who's supposed to train me on this refused to help. said she had too much work of her own and wouuld be there late as it was. and i should know how to do it by now. add all that aggravation to a day from hell hell hell, and you got the makings of a meltdown. sleep. but wait! there's more! vomit vomit vomit. poor girlie. so, up at 8am, laundry, floor scrubbing etc. of all people, my mom pointed out that i hadn't begged God for THIS job....i was asking for A job, and only because it was being required of me. so i shouldn't feel like a brat if i hate this job. and i do. hate it. and i have to go get ready for it now, so bye! Linda

dear diary

dear diary, am i a bitch? am i unappreciative? self-centered? please tell me the truth - i can take it - maybe. it's just that lately i wonder. i prayed for a man who was handsome, single, hetero, made good money and actually loved me back. a month later - there was Bill. now all i do is whine and bitch about life as i know it. i begged and wept and prayed for a job away from 911 that paid well. and 2 months later - there was GHI. so after 3 years, i needed a job away from GHI, and there was MetroNetwork - back in the radio thing i do so well at. then, as summer wore on, i reluctantly prayed for a job that was close to home, with nice coworkers, was interesting, and paid more than $7 an hour. so here i am at my current job. about to start my 4th week, and already crying about IT. i have to wonder if i am unappreciative. i think the answer is no. i think the problem is, is that love and art keep intruding on reality. i have had the most blessed, fabulous fall - taking long, healing walks with my little girl, bonding and becoming centered. art has welled up from me in new and amazing ways that make me stunned when i see my work on someone's wall or desk. "I did that?!" having gone from 24/7 free time to having next to none has been a very difficult transition. both for me, and little dog. she is lonesome for me, and daily spends time by the back door howling her little wolf heart out. when i am home, i'm too pooped to be much of a mom. she holds her toy and looks hopefully at me then just lets it slide to the floor. having just spent time regretting the things i didn't do with Nikita, and walks we never took, this is so especially hard for me. i try to set aside time for myself. and time for art. and time for bill. and time for nikki. that leaves about 4 minutes each! and don't even talk about the laundry! i guess it's the opposite of unappreciative - i appreciate TOO MUCH the things that are important to me - the rare gifts i've been given in my soul, and feel that anything less than important, is not important enough to take my time away. but then again, there are bills to pay, so where is the line drawn? i would live lesser if it were just me. but i am joined to a household, and just as i would trade bigger for medium or small, the others would not. there cannot be 2 alphas in a sled team...2 visions for the ride. yes, there is common ground and give-and-take. but when there are 2 maps, and 2 ideas of final destinations, no amount of compromise will get you there. so you see my quandry. do i ease up and follow, or continue to pull and strain at the tether? each comes at a price. which am i willing to pay? L.

life's hiway

i remember late summer, and on through fall....the days stretched out before me, endless, like a long hot hiway through a desert canyon. mountains ahead and to the side like giant guardians - striated red, green, taupe and brown. the roadway clear and broken only by occaisional adventure, like the dashed lines down the center lane. an occaisional bumpbump-rrrrrr onto a rumble strip, but free and easy, one hand on the wheel, hair blowing in the dry breeze through the open top of a convertable. summer songs mingling with current favorites - black horse and a cherry tree, norah jones, bruce cockburn, joss stone, and mmmmmm mmm - ella. soon a car appears - opposite direction. then another and soon more. a diner to the right. a run-down shack of a grocery on the left. soon 18-wheelers hiss and creak out from side roads and a traffic light appears. people wait to cross. languid, yet purposeful. a small snap to reality as a town crowds in on your bliss. fingers tap on the wheel waiting for the light to turn. you continue through. you don't belong here. the intrusion makes you impatient to get back on the empty road, back to your journey. onto the dark hiway, broken only by dashed lines. lit only by a sun setting melon and aubergine and mustard and cobalt all at once and each at it's own depth and pace. music lowered to hear crickets and howls of coyotes. the top up now as a head covering in this holy place. this singular space. alone with thoughts and the masterpiece of the sunset. "life is a hiway - i want to ride it all night long" L.

sleeping giant

as my art time diminishes, my dream time has become more "creative." the ghoulies and ghosties that were normally expunged and swept away through fiber, metal, wood, paint are now trapped inside where they revel in nighttime salons. the sleeptime is no longer a haven for me - no color combinations revealing themselves to me ...no shapes to weld together, or answers to sticky problems presenting themselves shyly in the calm of the night. fears and randomness overtake my dreams. friends or aquaintences, long departed, have returned - along with my mandog, kita, to visit and torment. little girl dog wakes me if i disturb her too much with twisting and turning. sometimes she wakes me just to check. so my lack of invigorating, restful dreamtime is broken into jagged rips of time. the rest of the night is spent running up and down the stairs thinking she has to go out, mistaking her waking me for an urgency of her own. i have big plans for art time this weekend, and hope to report back placid sleep punctuated by paisley and magenta and my beloved colors of fall. i guess not everything sleeps in winter........L.

naughty

i was a little naughty today...i did end up calling in sick! i was actually very sick, and laid in bed all day reading/sleeping/reading. as the hours ticked by, i kept thinking, "yow! i'd still be at work!" and i'd be there still at this moment. it seems like the day is so much better spent in bed reading/sleeping/reading, but, oh well! i finished my current book, Rise And Shine by Anna Quindlan. i recommend it. i showered this morning, called in, then went back to bed. at first, i felt guilty, but then, simply naughty and wonderful! i mean, a lot of that was fueled by Nyquil, but it just seemed like, well, remember convincing your mother you were too sick to go to school? and you did feel aweful - till the bus left. then there was a world of possibilities. i just opted for the bed and book possibility. i still feel like death-sucking-on-a-biscuit, but tomorrow a vet appointment and wegmans are calling, so i'll suck it up and go out. the fact that i can pick and choose my level of contact with other humans makes a big difference. customer service is one forced "relationship" after another! am i having doubts about the job? well, if the hours don't change, maybe. i'm so much more of a morning person. even though it's nice to ease into the day, it's nicer to just go and get it over with. it seems like the 5-7pm hours drag by and are wasting my time and getting on my last nerve. so we'll see what becomes of things after the holidays. i truly miss cooking dinner with the wegmans menus. i miss having time at the end of the day to decompress and go for a walk, or even watch a little tv from the couch - not the bed! we'll see. maybe a lotto win will come my way! hoping to have some good thoughts tomorrow! L.