o christmas tree

so we finally got a christmas tree today. we strung the lights and some red and gold beads and decided to leave the box of decorations out and put a few on every time we pass by. no one seems to have the heart for it this year, partly because of the weather i think. all i can think of is the holiday picture. every year since we moved here, i'd make jenny take a picture in front of the tree with Bear. Kita would be next - by himself, the ham - and forget about Nikki....she's as good as amish around the camera. this year, no picture to take. it's seems even more emptier here. last night i bought nikki a white teddy bear at the dollar store...long legs and not much stuffing. she drags that darn thing around like a woobie, and uses it for a pillow. she's seemed lonely a lot lately too. last year Nikita thought we'd gotten him indoor plumbing for christmas, and peed on the tree. you just had to laugh about it. i sure miss him. it's funny how this one holiday brings out the lonelies in people like no other. why is that? maybe because of all the hype and hustle & bustle attached to it. although i love getting presents, it's my least favorite holiday. i need quieter spaces. i am truly looking forward to january though! we're headed to florida for 5 days, then i come home alone and have 5 days off BY MYSELF! i hope to make good art. i'm also hoping to quit smoking during the 5 days gone, so cross your fingers for me. on top of having 4 friends with cancer (2 terminal), a friend of bill's was just told that lump on his neck is stage 4 cancer and has also spread to his tongue. even though there's not much hope (in the doc's view) they plan to start chemo & cutting. i guess that part scared me. imagine having your tongue cut away - you couldn't talk or eat well, etc. those 2 things are what i do best. seriously. so bill and i are both going to try to quit....should be a banner vacation! well, fatigue is starting to creep in, and nyquil is calling, so i'll try to think of some deep thoughts for next time! don't forget the $25 donation-to-the-CNYSPCA-challenge....have ya sent your check? if you don't have anyone to send it in remembrance of, send it in memory of my Bear - he came to Bill from the shelter, and we'll mss him under our tree this year. L.