it's been such a long while since i sat here talking to you.  wow.  2/28 to be exact.  and since then so much and so little has happened...so much is shaking out and so much tucking in...i freeze and thaw, and rage against injustice, my self, short sighted folks, cracks in the ceiling...anything and nothing.  i have always been brutally honest with you, and will continue today...let me say that i have never not ever judged someone based on their outwards...just their inwards and actions and intentions.  i have been unable, of late, to do myself the same kindness.  i have been at war with my weight, my hair cut, my crooked teeth, my wrinkles, all of it wrapped up into one and each separate part.  down to my toes.  after quitting smoking, and after taking Lexapro years ago, i began gaining weight at an alarming pace...moving from size to size before i could clip the tags from the next up size.  and when i got my results back from my "well" visit...oy vey...numbers off the deep end of the charts.  and winter lagging on is not helping matters at all.  at all.  my Big Girl job is going fine.  but ... my brandie new studio just 2 blocks away sits idle for the most part.  some days after work, i stop in and just smile in the middle of the room.  i have finally found fire in my belly and am eager to get it focused, and need to spend serious time ensconced.  right now, i am spending just 1 weekend day there.  period.  and am grateful for that, don't get me wrong.  but.  yet.  ach.  but it's all tumbling about inside and occasionally spilling out in the form of tears.  or a bad word.  and the thing that frosted my cupcake was that i finally made some time to get to my doctor to ask for help.  to say How Do I Get My Weight Out Of the obese range according to the internet?  how do i get healthy, cholesteral-wise?  and triglyceride-wise?  my hair...eh...it'll grow. but my exploding veins and lumps and bumps and whatevers - not such a cosmetic fix.  and my doctor was Too Busy to go through the list.  she stopped after sinus infection & UTI, and handed me a prescription for Augmentin.  and said Make Another Appointment and we can address the rest.  now, would that be before or after my heart attack?  but i'm being dramatic here. i suppose.  but my faith in the medical profession has gone pfft.  how do you find a good doctor?  word of mouth?  where do you advertise that you need a referral?  here?  let me know, please.  okay - i'm going to stop now and make some dinner.  i know - right in the middle - like my doctor.  former doctor.  but really i'm miserable and don't want to spread it around.  so goodnight and be well.  trust me - be well.  we are all on our own out here.

every evening i plan to sit and write an epic post about how my life is going (good) and how diva is doing (good) and how productivity is going in my studio (meh) but by the time i get home and walk the dog and make some dinner and get my school clothes ready for the next day, and maybe lunch ... it's time for bed.  and bedtime is earlier every day, it seems.  7pm, 8pm are sometimes feeling like midnight.  right now, i am getting tapped on by diva, the cat is swirling around my shoulders, i haven't eaten yet and husband just flew out of Chicago and will be home around 9.  past my bedtime.  but i should stay up to say welcome home.  i have SO MUCH news to share, and i promise to do that tomorrow.  Saturday latest.  don't hate me.

in my last post i promised to add some additional thoughts, and i never came back...too tired, and honestly - there is nothing left to say.  other than i am disappointed.  and a dozen or so women i know are disappointed.  women in their 40's & 50's want a gathering of substance.  we don't want to search our hearts or discover our journey or have to search for meals.  we want modern conveniences, even in a rustic setting.  we want to go someplace and have OUR needs met for a change, and hang with like-minded women.  take quality workshops.  eat good food.  and a bubble bath - UNINTERRUPTED - would frost the cupcake!  make it close to transportation, but away from hustle & bustle, unless it's NYC or Boston! and give me a choice of accommodations - whether i want a roomie or enjoy the luxury of a room all to myself.  that's what i want, and i'm certain i speak for many.  now - to the shower.  wishing you a day of knowing your mind.

i'm so so disappointed in what has become of a once-thriving art workshop scene...just a few years ago, the hardest thing was to pick one!  the offerings were coast-to-coast, with venues in the woods, on a beach, beside the ocean, in a huge canvas tent...any way you wanted it.  and the teachers and classes - ooo la la! so hard to pick.  the past few years, though, have seen organizers get lazy.  they seem to be riding on their reputation, or the rep that the event has gotten.  classes are thin, prices are higher, offerings are fewer.  some organizers have closed their camps after many many years.  Teesha Moore was the Organizer Extraordinaire - actually, i think the first to gather women and art and let the magic happen.  others came, and went.  and then the rage was all about online classes.  they were cheaper - no travel - and more convenient.  but it's the gathering together that creates the magic.  but - women are not going to throw down $1000-$1500 plus travel, PLUS supplies to just to gather.  more than anyone, we know the value of a dollar and how far it has to stretch and how we want a value for it.  so i would ask anyone out there who is thinking of planning a retreat for women - do it right.  put your soul into it, not just make it a semi-obvious money grab.  we women need to gather.  it's how we're wired.  that's all i have to say right now, but will be back on this topic later tonight after work.

did i mention - i work 2 blocks-ish away from my new studio?  yes.  true story.  there is a specific bathroom i can go in and look out the huge 4th floor windows and see the top floor of the building where my little slice is.  i got a quick visit in today, when i went to an opening at the gallery.  my favorite people in the world were there, too.  i have to say that i have been feeling the least creative ever.  aside from Rabbit Rabbit, not much has been produced there.  i have ideas and dreams, but get there and just want to put some music on and dream.  this weekend will be my time, though.  husband leaves for the west coast on sunday, and i plan a full day in the studio working on a little niggling idea.  there just isn't a lot of time after work - diva needs me!  but i'm not getting frustrated about it...just letting it flow and seeing where it will take me.  the cool thing is that one of the most special people in my life has a brand new office that practically shares a parking lot with my studio.  all attempts at a full night's sleep have been sabotaged by bulimia cat this past week, so i'm off to Z-Quil land tonight and tomorrow.  i've been a zombie at work, and that's not a great way to impress.
wil let you know the deets on studio time!

what i learned

so i guess it is still possible at this advanced age to learn something new.  and 3 things at that!  all in a day.  diva dog's near miss with the vet made me pull up, sit down and stop.  just stop.  do a check in with the swirl of debris surrounding me like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown.  see what needs to be filtered...see what needs to be held and looked at...see what needs a psychic shop vac to suck it away.  and here is the A#1 thing that I can share with you...actually the top 3...

#1...You will always find what you are looking for.  Look for the good, and you will find it.  Look for the bad, and you will find that.

#2...Always always trust yourself to make the best and most rightest decisions for yourself when it comes to the Self things.  no one else can do it for you.  do not be afraid.  and refuse to make those decisions for anyone else.

#3...The best words to hear are simply "I'm so sorry."  Period.  do not let someone else's time of need become your opportunity to tell your story.  and along those lines, don't ask what you can do.  just do it if you feel it.  (and chicken soup goes a long way.)

so that's it for now.  diva is being her old self...leaping for her leash, running the trails...as if to prove it was the best day of her life.  i know it's mine.

it is saturday morning.  and very very late last night, after my husband uttered the words "you don't have to do this, you know,"  after my swollen eyes had truly become mere slits and my face was stiff with tears that had dried and rewet my face between layers of puppy kisses...very much after that as i held my throbbing head with one hand and breathed in the scent of a paw holding my other...i decided again.  not caring that i just spent days wailing in print...feeling badly that i took a day off from my new job but not letting that factor into such a final decision...i re-decided that it was not the right timing for me or for diva.  she rallied somewhat remarkably yesterday - trotting along the trails and hopping up and down from her spot on the sofa like a champ...in general, acting in a way that would make me question the timing of such a decision.  and i know from experience that the questioning can haunt and haunt, and make a sad situation into a lingering & intolerable sleepless existence.  so, diva stays with me on this plane for now.  she isn't suffering any obvious pain...she is slower but we all are....she is suffering from Canine Cognitive Disorder, which is the doggie rendition of sundowning.  but I believe that is something we can work through.  whether it's for another day or week, month or year.  i will be grateful for even one more night with her.  and grateful to each of you for your warm hugs and kind words from close up and from afar.  now to hug my bug.

it's just so damn hard. and that is the truth of the matter.  i know this now even more deeply than i suspected i ever knew it before.  we walked this morning, diva and i.  we walked her favorite walk through the woods, and the echo echo tunnel, past the lake and the second pond and the monkey tree and the rhododendron potty place...past the house that was Snickerdoodles & then George's and now a big dog lives there, but we don't know her name.  she sniffed the air and paused at different spots, staring.  i doubled over with the pain of it all and howled as hard and as loud as if i was giving birth, not caring if the owls fled from their perches or the crows sat silent for once.  just hard sounds from my gut.  not caring about making the sounds that came from caring so deeply.  after a time, she would look back at me and we'd continue on.  home now, and upstairs, she paces and i continue silent sobbing tears.  stepdaughter called up the stairs to check if i needed a hug.  i cannot express how much i adore her.  she could never disappoint me.
for a person used to granting wishes, i have so so many of my own today....
i wish i wish i wish i wish i wish.....

1418

tissue alert.

1,418 posts since I began this little stream-of-consciousness letter to whomever stopped by.  wow.  many years.  many twists and turns.  much much growth and drama and stretches of boringness and philosophical thoughts and rants and rages and threats and sharing of heart friends and love-liness.  and waay back when, this little blog was started to pour out my heart after losing my best mandog ever, Kita.  i still miss him so.  and then Bear.  and on saturday, my diva will join them to romp the fields of Heaven.  i have to believe that vision, or it would just be impossible.  i'm taking tomorrow off from my new job.  yes, i know, just 4 days in.  but a job will always be there, and a puppy heart won't.  i wasn't much good today at work, with eyes swollen nearly shut.  as i left for the day, i knew there was just no way i would ever forgive myself for not spending the day with her.  not something a do-over would be possible on.  i called and left a garbled, soggy message and i know they'll understand.  if not, then they don't deserve me as an employee.  but i think they are good. and i hope my diva will understand.  she's been at grammies all week, and seems to be sliding some.  i owe her her final dignity for all the love and kisses and snuggles she's given me throughout the years.  many of you don't know that she started her life out as a bait dog.  when i got her, she weighed 7 lbs., had no hair and was all sorts of a mess. many surgeries and hugs later, she came to be the cranky, snappy dog you knew.  but she was all love to me.
so i will ask for your prayers Saturday morning, and that's really all i can bear to say now.

so this is how it will be

i guess a bi-monthly check-in is probably the best i'll be able to manage for a while...some swirling about going on...most good.  tomorrow, i start (another) new job, and am uber-hopeful that this will be The One for a while.  it's right down the street from my studio, and i could somewhat walk it during the day, if i had to.  like, if there were free donuts waiting at the end of the line.  but it's a super scary neighborhood after dusk, so there won't be much walking.  but it is just a 2 minute car ride, so i could pop over on lunch and nap or meditate or even paint if i wanted.  so the New Studio and New Job are good things.  i've already made some art in the space, although i'm really diggin the set-up portion of this adventure...interior design, new coffee maker, etc.  All stuff gifted! i want to keep it spare and uncluttered, as opposed to my home studio which has Special Items everywhere.  Today, i'll spend the afternoon down there, then probably won't make it back till next weekend.  and that may be a pass, too - i believe next weekend may be time for diva dog to go meet Kita across the Rainbow Bridge.  I have been putting it off for months.  she isn't sick, and not in any obvious pain other than her hips, but her dementia and failing eyesight/hearing have got to make her stressed.  every time i make up my mind to go, she rallies.  but she has been getting incrementally worse in the past few weeks.  a vet told me that "it's time when they require so much special care that it intrudes into your life."  at first i thought that was the least compassionate statement...intrudes into my life, indeed.  but then i realized what she meant.  animals are wired differently - any show of weakness makes them a target in the wild, and though our pets have been domesticated, they still have instincts imbedded.  and if i have to carry my pet up and down the stairs, and am kept up half the night with her pacing, and then sleep in a pretzel-twisted position in order to have my legs act as bumpers so she doesn't fall off the bed, well, maybe it has reached a point of being the kinder option.  she can't be enjoying herself too much when she is awake.  so it's been more my pre-grief that i've tried to come to terms with.  and i realized that i won't be able to, so it is time to do her the kindest kindness, to give her her dignity, and release her from her pain.  I know from my experience with Bear and with Kita that it will be a very very rough time.  although she has never been an easy dog - biting, growling, generally birth control - she has been my girl.  and she loves that pretty pink collar with jewels on it.  so i think i'll rub a little glitter into her coat before we go next week.  she will be at gramma's house this week, saying goodbye and having someone to watch out for her while i'm away at work.  as hard as it already is (i'm blubbering while i type now) i know i owe this to her for the companionship she's given me and the love she's given me.  and she'll take a million dried tears of mine with her, from years of crying into her coat.  and hopefully i've done okay by her.  and hopefully i will have the courage i need to send her on her way to play...

ok while i'm waiting for my grey roots to become brown, because the chances of being interviewed by someone shorter than me is slim....another quick post.

yesterday i met (up close) my new bff in flight - Fontaigne...

never realized how freaking smart these birds are till we met.  when she comes out of her cage, she goes over to the cabinets and starts opening them using the knobs (looking for a treat).  she has a broken wing that cannot be repaired, so she'll be around for life, pecking at anything knee height or lower.  actually, just above the knee.  nurse!

in other news, recent news, like just now news - it seems Fontaigne may be smarter than me!  I accidentally set my phone timer to 10 hours instead of 10 minutes!  not horrible if you're baking a cake - i mean, you'll smell it burn.  but when you're coloring your grey roots for an incredibly important job interview in the morning, whew, i gotta say this about tops it all.  add in the near hurricane winds predicted for the day, and this may be a competition best-effort to get there.  darn it with the timer thing...what the heck anyway??  i only say "darn" in case my new employer googles my name and reads this blog post.  but i really had other more sinful words on the very tip of my tongue.  and for real, guys. haven't i had enough already with these little tricks?

so go here and meet my other new friend - not in flight.  well, maybe in flight - her work is just gorjus.  this is a very small peek, and i must say that what i see in her studio makes me weep.  why do you think i'm working??  to buy her artwork.  and AND to pay for my *drum roll* studio!  more later....cross your fingers please

my motto for the year:  if it feels good & right, do more of it.  If it feels bad, do less of it.

i still contend that my Intention Word for 2013 is correct: reset.  As in hearts, lives, beliefs, paths & journeys.  reset - going back, re-doing it the right way, starting over from scratch, throwing out the baby and the bathwater and moving forward - lighter & leaner & truer.  getting back on course from the drift.  un-softening your eyes for a bit to see if where you drifted was where you deep down darn-it want to be, or if it is just the popular place to be.  big word, "reset."

so many friends' tightly held truths slipping to the ground and crashing into bits ...so many friends telling of being sideswiped by a reality they never saw, or chose not to see, or saw fully but chose not to believe...that feeling in your gut that was pushed aside - now seems relevant and true...and as grateful  as we women are for our "women's intuition," how quick we are to ignore or not trust it...how many times we doubt what we should believe.  i am finding that i have little patience for the same old song and dance, and am not accepting hurtful, lax or bad behavior into my realm any longer.  no excuses allowed.  friendship is hard work, and i do accept that many have long periods of time where the mental effort of a conversation (in person, on the phone or in print) is just too much to bear. i raise my hand to this also.  however - a quick "xox" response takes nothing, and is everything sometimes.
oy another rant.  it's just that i am very often the repository for people's pain...and i often unwittingly hear both sides of a commotion, so i know who did what to whom.  and sometimes it just comes down to hurt feelings that could have been avoided if the most basic communication had been employed.  and sometimes it's that you put off what should be most important to you:  communication with those who's heart is tethered to yours.  or vise versa.
this year, i believe i will see, and hear of, many heartstrings being cut...many women simply saying "enough" and cutting ties with those women who have taken their friendship as a given, and not nurtured it properly.  There is no "business as usual" within a friendship - it is an ever-changing organic thing.  add hormones to the mess, and you really need to feed the monster (ever see Little Shop of Horrors?)
so comparing a sweet, wonderful, thoughtful friendship to an out-of-control weed...?  well yes.  get past.  i assure you if we email, we are friends.  and i am a constant communicator, so beware.  i don't often expect an epic missive in reply, but i do expect a response within a few days, unless accident or illness prevents.  i do.  and if you are no longer interested in how i am, or what i do, that is certainly your choice  - i don't pretend to be the world's Most Interesting Person, and you may need more excitement in your attachments.  simply don't respond, and from this point forward, i will consider us acquaintances, rather than friends (you can't "un-know" someone).
I say all this because female friendships are so so important, and we are wired for them.  as far back as cavewomen time - the men went out to kabong dinner over the head, and the women stayed behind together doing the laundry or whatever they did back then.  women have always gathered.  and whether the gathering is of two or three, or 20 or 200, there is a release of spirit that comes when we gather...a sprinkling of golden light that surrounds like-minded women gathered together for the purpose of enjoying one another's company and learning from each other.  each woman has a purpose in the group - whether it be teacher, learner (yes - "learner" is a purpose),  edifier, whatever...you've seen it, felt it.  and the further from home you gather, the closer to your deepest Self you are able to get to.  that's where the gold is.  the gathering cannot be forced or repeated exactly ever again.  each person in each moment will never not ever be the same, so each moment will never be the same.  does that make sense?  There was a retreat i went to one year, and decided to return the following year because the experience was so over the top.  guess what? it was a letdown at first because it wasn't the same.  of course, silly rabbit! i realized this truth - that each moment holds it's own magic, never to be repeated - and accepted the week for what it was, all on it's own.  the following years had an artificial ring to them - a trying too hard to be the first year, so i stopped going.  maybe it was just time for me to wander elsewhere, and that's where the feeling came from.  and that happens too - both in physical spaces, or in friendships...sometimes it's just time to bid a fond farewell.
i'm not sure why this tangent took me here, but there is a reason, and i hope you hear the message if it was for you.
for me?  right now i have a furry Diva Dog at my feet who wants to go for a Big Walk in the balmy drippy day.  so off we will go - her wish is my command.
love each other today...



that's all for now

well, my studio is pretty much gutted & packed away - except for my painting stuff, collage stuff, and jewelry stuff.  which is a lot of stuff still.  but all the rusty metal and wood and goo-gaws for assemblage are packed away.  there was too much stuff, and i needed to make room for my little twin daybed that replaced my papasan chair in the reading corner.  i like the twinny so much better - fat folk should not endeavor to get in or out of a papasan.  just sayin.  (side note - PSD bought me a shirt that says Fat Amy Is My Homegirl!  love it!  watch Perfect Pitch).  but anyway.  i now have room on my worktable to do little collages and make my journal books and Special Phrase books.  Just.Loving.It.  My job was a 1-week wonder.  after a week of diva being at Camp Grandma, and me sleeping on the twinny to avoid the snore-a-saurus, i decided that at this point in my life, there was no need for this type of life modification for Any Reason, mortgage, surgery, sailboat, hell or high water included.  so i let them know that i knew that it was not a good fit for me.  or them.  and poof was gone.  lovely company.  excellent pay & bennies.  not for me getting up at 4:30am and driving an hour.   am still diggin the twinny though.  it's like camping out.  a little short, but i curl up.  so if you want an awesome papasan, it's for sale.  the pattern above.  they aren't making them anymore, so it's a real collectors item!  for those who've asked, diva is hanging in there - she doesn't seem to be in pain, but also doesn't seem to be real with it a lot of the time.  especially at night.  it's like sundowning in alzheimer's patients, almost. when the evening comes, she paces and paces and seems like she's lost.  very difficult.  but then the next morning she seems normal for an old lady.  difficult decisions.
okay - off to make 5 ATC's about fairy tales.  now what would i know about fairy tales?? *teehee*

yes, i know

i know i said i was packing up and moving on, and most likely you have left this little scrap of cyberspace, and i'm sitting in an empty room talking to myself.  probably.  most likely.  however and still...
you know me.  you know i am a compulsive sharer.  you knew weeks ago that i'd never not ever be able to not be back.  and you knew better than I did, because i was sure i was done.  and maybe i should remain done.  maybe my rants have grown cynical.  maybe my point of view on some matters makes people uncomfortable.  maybe.  and if so, thank goodness i'm alone in this room talking to myself.  Because i strongly and fully believe that each person has a right to believe what they may.  and even when proof and common sense and their gut tells them otherwise, they have a right to go forth in whatever direction they decide.
i think i decided to cut our conversations short last month because i was about to reach a breaking point, a pinnacle, and didn't want to spew the nasty bits here to sit forevermore.  but i'm past the bursting point, and on to the part where the deflated begins to rise again, hopefully not overfill once more.  and after the explosion burnt ears here, and after tears and wails and wringing of hands and all manner of dramatic motion ceased, it was time to examine the bits left behind and decide what to take back to the lab, and what to leave behind for the earth to reclaim.
and here is what i kept...still in disheveled form, but a quick inventory of most items and a longer look at a few....
i put too much salt into what some others were serving, taking at face value that what they were saying (for a fee) was what their heart brought forth.  it wasn't.  it was just a really cool come-on for their rent money.  and once i realized this, the set of dominos began to tip and totter and fall (first slowly, tip tip tip, then with a thundering CLACK CLACK CLACK) and I became glad that I'd bought the books but not the ideas but freaked out at what could have been (and what actually IS for some i know as they grasp for any straw, any hand to pull them from quicksand).  and that brought me toe-to-toe with an anger, the force of which i have never not ever felt, and equally saddened me to feel such a thing and scared me that i could.
everything.shifted.
i sank into a depression so deep, i tell you, so deep that i began to enjoy it - it was easy just floating in it...the days the nights became one and there was nothing to care about...let the sellers and the buyers work it out.  it all swirled like a lava light stew around me.  till one day i knew i needed to grab a hand to pull me out...a hand much like the one i'd offered time and time again.  and i reached out - hard for me to do when things get that bleak - and...nothing.  no returned calls.  no returned emails.  a silence so loud it sent a concussion of force through the goop and i broke away.  and i stood.  and set about making evaluations and changes about who i would let close to me and who i needed to keep at a distance and who i needed to turn from altogether.  and i tell you this, raw and nakedly and in truth, because you need to know that there is a lot of sugar-coating out there on meat that has gone bad.  there are those that want you to follow them, but they do not have a map.  and i beg you to trust your gut.  i beg you to know that you are all you need.  if a friendship costs you $99 then back off.  we are all here as equals - i am no better, you are no better, and neither is worse than the other.  i may have a gift that you don't because my journey calls for that.  and your gift is for your journey.  different. equal.  and i promise you that you will never not ever have to take my workshop in order to be my friend.  i promise friendship is much harder than that, and much easier than that.
Like the voicemail says: "I've made some changes for 2013.  Leave a message.  If i don't get back to you, you're one of the changes."

it's time

it is truly time to fold this blog into my arms and tuck it away for a grand sleep.   When i began blogging oh-so-many years ago, it was to try to write out the deepest pain squeezing my heart from the loss of my dearest Kita.  (i still feel him beside me when uncertainty stalls my feet).   As years past, i shared my heart, my day-to-day, my triumphs, disasters, heartbreaks, deep thoughts, goofy stuff i should probably delete, and just anything that wanted to leap onto "the page."  There are meditative messages... some that still await you.
But it just feels like the time has come for a break.  I am about to leap into a whole new life, which will not allow for proper posting, and it is just time to say good evening to this log of events.
I appreciate the comments, emails, support more than you could ever know.  And i hope many of you will join me on my new journey into Magic!
it will be so very good.
wishing you each the courage to continue your journey, the friends to help you over the rocky spots, and hearts open enough to accept where the road leads you....be well, do well.

I stand.

In anthropology, liminality (from the Latin word līmen, meaning "a threshold"^[1]) is the quality of ambiguity or disorientation that occurs in the middle stage of rituals, when participants no longer hold their pre-ritual status but have not yet begun the transition to the status they will hold when the ritual is complete. During a ritual's liminal stage, participants "stand at the threshold" between their previous way of structuring their identity, time, or community, and a new way, which the ritual establishes.

one last thing...

yoga tuesday...zumba last night...what the heck??? well, that's what my body is saying.  so i've noticed recently how boring this blog has gotten, and am wondering if perhaps it's time to seal it up and shut it down.  maybe I've run out of witty things to say, or deep thoughts to think.  I refuse to let it become an advertising vehicle for self-promotion.  i hate when i've seen that happen.  so here's what i think...i'm going to lay off till the first week of January, and see what happens then.  There are some Big Things popping that you deserve to hear about, having traveled with me this far.  and it has been a journey, hasn't it?  So right after my show opens january 2nd (SHAMELESS!), i'll let you know big secrets and little steps and huge leaps into the uncharted and possibly fantastic waters.  meantime - pray for me.  and i will for you.
Wishing you deep and sincere prayers from friends whose hearts beat in tandem with yours. poofpoof poofpoof poofpoof

beans beans beans beans

so.  my recent annual checkup - not so good.  after quitting smoking, i added on weight like it was my job.  full time job.  and it appears i wasn't picky about what i filled the sack with, though i have no real memories of eating junkie junk (except the apple pie incident at thanksgiving).  but i must have because my cholesterol matches the national debt.  and my triglycerides?  circling the moon.  everything else pretty much fell on the bad side of good.  so the other day i went for my OTHER annual physical.  and my gyn suggested a dvd called Forks Over Knives...in other words eating well vs. surgery.  The documentarians were well-respected docs - one from right down the road at Cornell University.  And they purport a vegan diet as the Way It Should Be.  (I don't disagree, especially after a hideous nightmare i had many years ago involving a slaughterhouse.  All i can say about that is Do Not read books by Temple Grandin just before bed.)  But how?  it seems a lot harder than shoving a frozen lasagna in the oven after a horribly long day.  the prep work seems deliriously protracted and involved, and requiring much forethought - buying fresh veggies almost daily, etc.  what.  do you even think i could make this a lifestyle?? i can't keep a plant alive, let alone myself.  and to think my cooking choices trickle down on the welfare of the family.  (very dramatic, yes?) So what to do what to do.  and can i honestly think that i'll base my life on vegetables?  i mean, i WANT to, but in practice...?  just a whiff of Dinosaur BBQ makes me quiver.  decisions decisions.  and a plant-based diet seems like it would be uber expensive to maintain.  is anyone out there a vegetarian or vegan?  give me some insight please...i don't want to go on Lipitor or any of those drugs.  i won't, in fact.

the most wonderful time of the year

welllll, for many.  for others - it's a foot race with a cement block tied to your ankle and googly glasses on...hard to see your way clear through jingly bells and cinnamon smells and happy happy joy joy all around.  and even though obligations may fill a calendar, it's the pillow that calls loudest.  and on the flip side, this is the time of holiday parties and cookie parties and gatherings - how much more lonesome is a clear calendar.  Please keep a special lookout for those who may be struggling this time of the year...be sure to include them...reach out a hand, invite them out for a latte, or just chat on the phone.  a well-timed email can mean so much.  and even if they decline, it feels so good to be asked, doesn't it?
wishing you each soft days......

all i want...

there are a ton of art options out there!  retreats, workshops, day-long, 2-day, weeklong, sleepover, commute, blah blah blah.  Maybe it's an explosion of them, maybe I'm just noticing.  I have to say that each & every one owes a tip of the hat to Tracy & Teesha Moore.  They were the pilgrims, the upstarts, the bold & brave who went first and figured it out.  Thank you.
here's what i look for in an art retreat:  an nice outdoor setting, all-inclusive meals/lodging (classes too, for a bonus!).  As far as classes are concerned, a good mix of levels - basic to has-some-experience.  i think if you have all these things on deck, the connections and experiences and friendships will form naturally and with strength.  my belief is that when we reach a bit past our comfort zone, or our level of expertise in a craft or artform, then we open ourselves to other new things.  the other stuff doesn't need to be contrived or planned...it will just happen.  poof.
so give me a cabin in the woods, some good bug stuff, good food, a river/ lake/ ocean, and a full moon.  bam!  I'm yours.

post#2

does this just choke you up?

and this.....

ok, while some glue is drying...i'll ramble and half-answer some questions.  No I haven't moved to NYC.  Am I thinking of it? heck yep.  i'll freely admit that Times Square does it for me - standing in the smack middle, with all the smells and sounds and those lights (!) just does it big time for me...yes, tears. unashamed.  And if i had an iPod with a drumline playing, AND was in Times Square, I might just explode on the spot.  just leave a small pile of ash right there.  gone. done.  so this weekend was just all that. (except for the ash part).  (i was careful).  i am a sensory person.  yes, i pet the man's dreds at the restaurant.  i asked first.  but they were waist length and perfect and just, well, petable.  i had to.  i just had to. and he was not upset about it.  prolly grew them (bought them?) for the purpose of attracting women.  so now that i've cut my hair,  i realize i'm a long hair person.  so i'm growing it back.  (maybe buy some for the interim?) even if it looks creepy.  which it won't.  i found a hairdresser who promised to cut it exactly the way i want it.  or else.  side note - i smell popcorn from downstairs.  okay, anyway.  yes i am thinking of making some changes.  i find myself being stuffed into a smaller and smaller box, and that isn't what this is supposed to be about.  and when i notice myself saying "Here, let me help you stuff that arm in" then it's time.  past time.  and after getting hit with a flying D thanksgiving day+1, it is past time, apparently.  it's just the implementation....so overwhelming.
i used to be fearless.  absolutely fearless.  knowing my power.  and i believed in Magic like it was my religion.  then it all got clouded in Being An Adult.  well, the belief in magic is back.  and it is more than a religion.  it is just the way it Is.  and i love swimming in the possibility and synchronicity of it all.  Mrs. Walker was right all those years ago when i interviewed her.  she was just a little cautious about the timeline :)   And Violet backed it all up.  i just didn't believe.  because i was An Adult.  and we must Be Serious.  shmahttah, i say.  there is so much inside me right now - so much to share, so much to hold close to the vest, so much i'm yearning to hold out in my hand and say "see!"  It's frustrating, yet i feel such gratitude at being able to feel it all...to know the things that i am turning this way and that in my mind...wanting so badly to grab a hand and say Come On! Let's sing the lights on!
today i wish you the magic of wishes and glittery lights overwhelming you .....

let me introduce you to my leetle friend....Max.  Max Brenner...the chocolate guy.  oh my freak OUT.  imagine hot chocolate so thick and chocolatey you need a spoon.  yes.  a spoon.  i just had a few sips and am higher than a kite from the buzz.  but this is the real deal, my friends.  oh nom nom nom

what a magical few days - even for a fairy!  Time in NYC at christmas is not to be missed.  and AND if you can spend the afternoon with your BFF (other) Linda, and Seth Apter...well...it's doubly not to be missed.  AND AND if you can spend 4 days in NYC at Christmas, see your BFF (other) Linda and Seth Apter AND happen to run into Perfect Patty under the most beautiful tree in a park near your hotel....call it magic...seriously, call it magic...what are the chances???

very excited!

Heading to NYC today to revel in the sensory overload that is Times Square, and to take a Seth Apter workshop on Sunday with my bff (other) Linda.  Life is good.  I want to go to Chelsea Markets too...nothing like a good flea!  and i need to restock my studio...in my zeal, i over-purged, and now find myself needing that certain gizmo or gear that i chucked.  and i also want to trade the papasan chair for a small futon.  i've only sat in the papasan once, for like three minutes, so it's still brand new.  and no animals have been on it (kept covered).  i think i paid a little over $200...want it?
okay - time to overpack so i can have a heart attack dragging my suitcase(s) on & off the train without getting caught in the door and being dragged down the track - on the outside of the train.  yes.  that is what i dreamt last night.  blame it on those freaky fables we were read as kids - Hansel & Gretel getting burned in an oven...Bambi's mother getting killed in a fire...i mean, is it any wonder??

this blog is just so emotional to me...i can't explain why, but i have such a reaction to it...almost as if i was homesick for the places she shows, but i've never been there.  hard to explain.  go look.  so i'm trying to get ready for 4 days in nyc.  you know me - an uber planner.  that means that by today, i'm freaked out with what i haven't done to get ready.  and this will include random things like ALL my christmas shopping, or all the laundry, etc etc...it's like that commercial with the big snowball rolling down the hill.  i don't just need to throw some jeans and a few sweaters in a duffel and go.  oh no, not me.  i can't even detail it, because it would make me tired.  some days i like my quirks for what they help me accomplish.  some days, i just get tired.  so today i will scrap everything and go to my friend Rika's shop and, well, shop.  then head to the Cafe for a latte and lunch and a secret drop off.  shhh.  feeling tired and hurty and that's making me all emotional these days, so i'll keep moving till i snap out of it.  but nap extravagantly. maybe call a wrap wench for a pedi....hmmmm. AND am headed to buy some knitting needles.  sat down to knit yesterday, and my needle case is missing.  with all my lovely bamboo needles that i've collected in the past few years.  gggrrr.  so a trip to the yarn shop is in order too.  better get a move on!

some thoughts sneaking in...giving me glimpses of themselves, and will soon be front and center and needing to be recognized and dealt with.  As i purged through my studio recently, i realized there were purges in other areas of my life to deal with, as well.  one of those involves my address book.  i know i've mentioned this before, but as the thoughts surrounding this gel more, i share.  there is the poem about old friends/new friends, silver & gold, etc etc.  and perhaps there is truth to that, but it seems like a friend from old, that doesn't make the effort to stay in touch, well, it's hurtful, and being busy is just not an excuse.  i'm sorry, but it isn't.  so i look at the effort extended vs. the effort returned.  And honestly, there are some relationships that will have to be dimmed...where the golden thread will have to be dropped...perhaps their purpose in each others' lives has finished.  and not in a chip-on-the-shoulder way...

oh yeahhhh

The plot twists will be intriguing. The actors may be unpredictable, even erratic. Blossoming and decay will be happening simultaneously, and the line between wisdom and craziness could get blurry. There's not nearly enough room in this little horoscope to describe the epic sweep of the forces working behind the scenes. Are you willing to confront uncanny truths that other people might regard as too unruly? Are you brave enough to penetrate to the depths that others are too timid to look at, let alone deal with? I hope you are, Capricorn, because that will give you the power to ultimately emerge from the drama with your integrity shining and your intelligence boosted.

Capricorn Horoscope for week  of November 22, 2012

most of the leaves are down, still crunchy under my feet as diva and i make our way s l o w l y through the woods... nature is about to rest for the winter, which hopefully will be mild like last year.  i dream of a small cobblestone cottage...i dream of swaddling up in quilts and layers and watching the fire dance and die down in a hearth, smells of cinnamon and balsam filling the air with spirit...i dream of paintings and sculptures coming to fruition under my hands - released from my ThoughtSketches and come into being...i dream of running through the woods with diva, scattering squirrels and pheasants and woodpeckers and deer and coyote...

a few geese have stayed late, honking and posturing in the pond...the night air carries their complaints...a neighbor's house peeks out at the bare trees...owls finding deeper hiding spots...

lately being followed by crow and bear - i should say stalked, as it's incessant.  Tuning in with the season and wanting to hibernate...having very low tolerance for fakery and facades this past month...looking for a tribe......

but for now, paint and wood icing and found objects calling....wishing you the intended spirit of thanksgiving in your heart every day!

today, i take time to name the things i am thankful for, and realize it's a very long list.  Thank you for being a part of that list....

weirdness last night, with Grandma Jenny talking away, and me painting up a storm.  also a semi-disturbing dream about a friend.  no night terrors, but all very real and very strange.  i think the meditation so late in the evening did it...stirred up all the silt.  anyway, off to bed now after a beautifully productive day...lots of hot tea, much art making, time with Diva, good music, a cozy studio.  today was a Favorite Day on my calendar.  am starting to think about redecorating the studio...not purging! just painting the walls and maybe an actual light fixture to cover this one dangling lightbulb in the walkway.  i have huge daylight tubes over my worktable, and recessed pot lights in my jeweler's bench area, and spotlights by the papasan chair corner.  but in the smack middle of the ceiling at the exact center point of the room, there's a lightbulb with no fixture around it.  i want a blingy little chandelier. yes.  just decided. now for paint colors.....

btw - post #2

I have this tendency when I have a deadline, to run full out toward it, tossing everything else out of the way.  my thought is that if something has a definite deadline,  and that deadline can't be changed - like, oh say, maybe an art show - then until everything is ready for it, then nothing else is as important.  and this is true, to an extent, but other things can be necessary too, and not just showering and froofing up a bit as called for in civilized society.  And maybe having a bit of a night out, trying something new.  which i put my foot down and did last night.  i went to Sandi's art center for an evening of Meditative Painting.  wowsa y'all.  the point is not to paint a painting...it's to smoosh around in the paints, letting the music and the state of meditation guide your brush.  it isn't some oogly googly kinda thing, although i was down for that also, if need be.  but i went in open hearted, without expectation, and just hoping i didn't smell like garlic from the Italian restaurant husband took me to just before this endeavor.  (he did not go to the art part).  and i realized that some of my best paintings and 3D work have been done under a meditative influence...a trance-like state that i work best in.  i just never circled it and marked it as such.  and despite being up since 0-dark-thirty, i was relaxed yet energized afterward.  and dreamt i was painting, even.  and then had a very special visit from my namesake grandma that i never met.  it was a wild night all-in-all.  i can't wait to see what happens at the sleep study...too bad they can't see my dreams!  Ha.  the connections from the art show/fundraiser continue to loop golden threads around peoples' hearts...it is such a privilege to see.
now, it's time for me to work.  i will catch you later.  oh - you MUST buy this magazine...it is sweet and wonderful and makes you want to be all bohemian in a modern way and cozy and grow your own veggies but still have heat and indoor tap water...all that.  for me anyway.  oh and the link show issue 3 but i just got issue 2 which is about right, and it is the snuggliest.

woke up...spread my arms open wide as I lay in bed, and repeated out loud that today I open my heart to God...i will accept what he has in store for me, and ask that I am able to accomplish what He has for me with gracefulness and no complaining.  my house is clean-ish, I have to go to the post office, so no studio time.  diva goes for a pedi, then THEN! I am treating myself to a meditative painting class at Liverpool Art Center.  I may buy a wrap at Cafe 407, then head down to the lake to eat.  The art center is within steps of the lake.  shhhhh shhhhh shhhhhh ...i hear the water now....shhhh shhhhh shhhh.  ahhhhh.  Sandi has done a good thing here at her art center.....

I love when friends call you out of the clear blue sky just to chat about everything and nothing as they make a long drive home.  Thank you Terry!

Getting very excited for a meet up with Seth Apter in 2 weeks!  Even more excited to see Linda Other Linda!  and the Christmas decor in NYC.  I have never been there at holiday time and looking forward to it - Chelsea market and Times Square.  Times Square makes my heart beat fast...it's sensory overload and i love it! but need some quiet afterward...

putting together a mini retreat ... more details to follow....but, planning on a fire pit and cocoa and art and cozy cozy fireplaces and art and Too Much Laughing.  Everything I want in an art retreat.  and nothing i don't.  i want: Good art workshops, good food, good wine, good friends, a scenic location with opportunity to walk about.  I don't want/need to have "an experience" that's contrived or any other kind...i think just being with good people and sharing the wonders of learning/making good art will create the work inside of you.  I don't need yoga and such to put me in a state of consciousness to get there.  I love yoga, but don't need it to be a part of my Art Retreat experience.  ach - but i have lots to do today so i'll stop now.
wishing you a day of open hearts and willing hands....

cleaning closets

with the change of seasons comes the Great Closet Switch.  I have immense closets, but like to have my seasonal clothes in the bedroom closets away from fumes and dremel dust and all manner of possibility in the studio storage closet.  so i heave great armloads of stuff back and forth, dumping them on the bed in between.  this also gives me a chance to go through things to give away, send to the cleaners, etc.

It also got me thinking about how my email address box is jammed with names and addresses of people who are Busy...people who send an email once in a blue moon just to say they are busy.  Yes, I realize that - I haven't heard from you.  So, I will be cleaning that out, as well.  Call me crazy, but if a person is too busy to drop a note updating on their life, or to inquire upon your breathing status, then what thread is there?  yes - i am a constant communicator.  and yes, i realize most people do not write, call, email, connect in the sheer volume that i do.  i want you to feel special and noticed on this big earth.  i want you to know that there is someone who is thinking about you and saying little prayers for you.  because just thinking about someone is nice, but doesn't let the person know you are doing it.  i am also busy...2 very needy animals (3 if you count the husband), art shows, fundraisers, my own life to prepare for and complete, house cleaning, dinner making, and all the Becky Home Ec-y things you do too.  And i still find time to send my heart out every single day to those that matter...not every single person every single day, but i bet if you thought about it, you've received an email from me in the past week or two.  so i will wean that list...i will have to assume that if i haven't received an email from you in a while, that you are letting our friendship mellow into that fuzzy "Somebody that i used to know" area...which is fine, as it certainly lowers my expectations from you and i can relax.  and i'm not feeling angry or upset...just busy and in need of reciprocal relationships.
it is a cleansing day.
wishing you dust-free corners and gleaming floors....

it occurs to me that I "know" a lot of creative women...I used to have a shelf in the bathroom with all my "sacred" books.  (the bathroom is the only room in the house that I can go into, lock the door and be alone).  the list grew, and soon it was 2 shelves.  then husband complained, so i started piling them on my nightstand too.  now i have my own bathroom, and a basket FILLED with Special books... Christine Mason Miller's two books, SARK's books (thank you Ms. Light), Stephen Cope, Melody Ross, and now Rachel Olsen Awes.  Some of these people I know know, and some I just know OF.  but you get to feeling that you know KNOW someone when you read their blog, don't you?  I was at an art retreat recently, and a woman introduced herself to me and said she reads this blog all the time and feels like she knows me.  (If you did this - it isn't YOU i'm talking about - it was someone else).  It was a a mess of emotions and thoughts all at once: someone actually reads this?? that's really cool - I'M really cool!  that's a little creepy, like someone looking in your window creepy (like Sue's dolls creepy)..all these things at once.  so i try to control myself when i meet someone who's blog i read...try to be cool, and realize that THEY don't know ME, and to be fair - i only know what they print.  I mean, they could be some slathering lunatic in real life (as could I, I suppose).  anyway, back to the point.
i spent weeks WEEKS purging my studio so i could fit a reading chair in the corner, and now i don't like the chair.  i'm sorry.  it doesn't make me a bad person, i just don't like it.  it looks lovely, but someone my shape has no business getting into a papsan chair and have a hope of getting out unassisted.  so it has sat empty.  and i want desperately to have a place to sit and read these lovely books and drink Constant Comment tea.  so I may return the chair and get one of those little couch-y futon things.  which will be good in case i need to get away from 3 animals snoring.

i just walked Diva around the woods and am smelling something that came home on my boot.  time to go clean up and read.  

yikes

is it really 1:15pm and I'm not dressed yet?? well, sort of - if sweats and an apron count.  hands covered in paint and glue...nice E6000 buzz going...ecstatic about progress of the 4' tall music box/assemblage/portrait thing...Thomas Ashman would be verklempt.  can't wait to send him pics.  and many thanks to his Lovely Leighanna who taught me the finer points of the dremel.  although we didn't cover flying bits of plastic, i had prior experience in that material and dressed accordingly.  am super excited to hook up with Seth Apter in NYC in December! a 2-story walk-up will limit my art material choices OH - unless I hire someone to haul my stuff up!  Just thought of that!  gotta love E6000 for expanding the mind.  ok back to work before i sober up lose the vibe.
wishing you a day of floating on creativity.......

yes, still tap dancing

cruisin the web and peeking out the corner of my eye at this assemblage, hoping an AH HA will hit my head.  but look what I found on Rob Brezsny's website...

FOUR DIGNITIES OF THE WARRIOR'S PATH

In Tibetan Buddhism's "Four Dignities of the Warrior's Path," courage and ferocity are absent. In fact, the qualities regarded as essential for being a warrior have nothing in common with the training regimens of Marines or football players or lobbyists.

The first dignity is often translated in English as meekness, but that word doesn't convey its full meaning. "Relaxed confidence" is a more precise formulation -- a humble feeling of being at home in one's body.

Perkiness, or irrepressible joy, is the second dignity. To develop it, a warrior cultivates the habit of seeing the best in everything and works diligently to avoid the self­indulgence of cynicism.

The third is outrageousness. The warrior who embodies this dignity loves to experiment, is not addicted to strategies that have been successful in the past, and has a passionate objectivity that's free of the irrelevant emotions of hope and fear.

The fourth dignity is inscrutability, or a skill at evading the pigeonholes and simplistic definitions that might limit the warrior's inventiveness while fighting for his or her moral vision.

- Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia

Now I have an idea for another piece.  damn it.  race you to it MDeM.

so then i wandered over to his horoscope page and LO! lookie here - permission:

I'm sure you've got thousands of practical details to attend to. Your schedule may be as busy as it has been in months. But I hope you will find time to do what I consider essential to your well-being, and that is to wander and wonder. In fact, let's make that your motto: to wander and wonder. Even if it's just for a few stolen moments between your serious appointments, allow yourself to meander off into the unknown and marvel at all the curious things you find. Be on the lookout for high strangeness that thrills your imagination, for exotic pleasures that titillate your lust for novelty, and for fertile chaos that blows your mind in all the right ways. 

Grace emerges in the ebb and flow, not just the flow. The waning reveals a different blessing than the waxing. Where are you in the great cycle of your life?

yikes I say! permission to be me today!  all this struggle to focus, and I really should be unfocused and wandering about looking for forest fairies and the like.  well, far be it from me to not wander when wandering is called for, so Diva & I will walk the woods now.  i feel happy.

i'm like a flooded engine today ...can't really get started.  Too many ideas for this assemblage, rather than not enough.
Diva is getting older and more tired in exponential chunks.  Last night i snuggled her up and cried as she seemed confused about where she was.  I know, I know.  I just really don't want to be the one to make decisions on this little one's life.  My wish for her is to go gently in her sleep...one moment spooned against my heartbeat, and the next bossing Kita & Bear around.  What's the use of being a fairy if you can't grant such a wish??

post #2

in defense of Small Biz.

You know the shop...there's one in every town, every street maybe...it's got cool stuff in the windows and you pass it every once in a while and think about Some Day making time to go in.  Do it this saturday.  set aside time to go there.  Small shop owners are getting squeezed between rents being jacked up, and people hanging tightly to their "discretionary" money ... everyone is scared.  we all need to take a deep breath and exhale.  we all need to help each other.  what difference does it make if i buy a cupcake, a single cupcake, from Suzy's bakery?  it matters.  not just in the oh, 4-cents that she makes from it, but there is nothing Nothing sadder than being a shop owner and sitting sitting sitting waiting for someone to come in.  you feel worthless and loser-like.  you question everything.  you worry about rent and electricity and your own judgement, and you know you should not have opened a shop where parking is such a hassle - even though it was the only place you could afford.  it is awful.  And that little shop owner is probably struggling to support themselves, maybe a family, possibly even a dog & cat. so make a list of all the little shops you've wanted to visit, and this saturday - go visit.  buy something, if you can.  And if parking is a problem, don't give up...chances are most people do.  oy! and imagine if you got a group of friends together to do this, like a treasure hunt thing, and met up for lunch in a cool little bistro...just imagine!

It really is up to you to keep the storefronts open.

feelin Adele

swaddle up

speaking of vulnerability...

(Brian Andreas)

yes.  sad but true.  as hard as i try to be me, it seems i end up being Other Me.  The crabby cranky inward-focused me.  the sad, dark, weepy caught-in-a-tornado of badness me.  but i am trying.  and that's as good as i can do today.  so i'm glad that i did my best for today.  sometimes we do things that flat out suck - our attitudes or energy levels are not what we would consider the best, but on that given day, it is truly the best we can do.  so i think as long as you do your best, even if it isn't perfect - or far far from it - then you're doing okay.
i gave the past week my full effort.  it wasn't my best in any way, shape or form.  but it was all i had to give.  so i apologize if i hurt your feelings, or didn't fulfill my end of something, or forgot something important.  truly - i am sorry.  but it was the best i could do.  next week should be better.

it has been a long claw back this time...grabbing every. single. branch.  every single blade of grass...any  Thing that looked like it may inch me back.  and, gingerly, here I am...still testing the ground a bit, and staying vigilant.  and a bit quiet after the raucousness and deadlines and scurrying that can kick up quite a tornado if you aren't careful to eat and sleep and yoga-tize and smile at the times when those things need to be done.  add some sugary deluxe leftover halloween candy and specially made biscotti to the mix, and whew!  the darkness can become darker than ever before.
today, i renewed my vows to myself...to love, honor, cherish and yes - obey.  and diva, with her Laundry Fairy wings (see previous post) stood as witness.
i've learned so so much in the past week, and promise to share some of it, because you should know.  some will get bundled and tucked away with precious things.
right now, a savory roast is in the oven and heavenly smells fill the house...diva is sleeping on my left foot...coffee is brewing...all is well.

there IS a laundry fairy!

she's not 100% sold on the wing-age, but loves anything pink.  the glitter is a bonus and is now found deep in her fur and in random parts of the house! i need a vacuum fairy now too.  the cat was not as inclined to play along, pulling his/her paw back and saying "you have GOT to be KIDDING me."  so, no kitty fairy.  

it's true.  there are days when i just want to hook up the Shasta and drive away.  somewhere quiet.  with just the sound of the ocean or my Lake in the background.  where i can think.  or not think, but use my hands in making some art to distract my brain and will let my mind explore possibilities.  whenever something hurtful is said, do you ever stop and wonder if it was in response to something you've said or done?  do you just assume that you "deserved" what was said?  it's a tricky process to decide if the words were hurtful because they struck a nerve, or if they were hurtful because they were intentioned with arrows.  i don't want to miss an opportunity to grind down a rough edge, but neither do i want to carry someone else's issues in my sack.  and somedays, i think the shasta is the best way to go.
i don't own this shasta...don't want to mislead you.  but ever since i met a Lovely Incredible Woman by the Lake who lived in a shasta, i wanted one.  and i wanted to be my imagining of what she was like...sort of a smoke-and-mirrors role model.  and whenever i am overwhelmed, or just need a day of Deep Thinking, i imagine myself living in a Shasta in the woods, by a river or lake or ocean, and listen for the shushhh shushhhh of the water, and relax and think.  i think i'll walk diva, then re-walk myself.  the woods are welcoming today.

it's about finding your passion, and honing your skills - day after day, perfecting, practicing, getting better, feeling it become your skin.  it's about taking your passion and unleashing it...using it to change the world - and changing the world can mean planting a beautiful garden that makes people smile, or painting a masterwork or stopping a war - any ripple is a change...and it's about doing this because you are compelled to, no matter what the outcome - it's not about the outcome, it's about the process, the passion, the absolute need to do that thing that haunts you to do it...because in the perfecting, the daily ritual of the practice, people are still being touched by it at the level that it needs to be in order to meet them where they are.  That's what it's about.
Wishing you the courage to know your passion, to speak your passion and make it alive...and to begin.

postie #2

some days are easier than others.  so far, this one is both.  it is easier to think just for one, especially when that one you are thinking for has a huge list of things that need to be Eulerized and accomplished and checked off a very long list, and does not need other odd-shaped things added to it.  they won't fit.  This morning I woke up with the most unbelievable idea for an assemblage in my head and was able to capture it and grow it to fully-formed.  now to get it from my imagination to reality!  but first, so many details of things dangling dangling dangling...so many gotta do's, which is fine because they are taking me to places where i like to go to see faces that make me smile, and maybe a pile of free stuff for art making!  fingers crossed for the right stuff to appear today!

wishing you a day of deep exhales...

from Brian Andreas

A Woman With An Elephant Heart.....

what a great day!  and it's only 7-something in the morning.  i awoke, stretched, and decided to lay there for a bit.  suddenly ideas ideas ideas began swirling around in my head...art ideas...that have been crowded out lately with the details of fundraising and this 'n' that...i listened to the tugging, and hit the studio, expecting a few false starts and frustrations, but no - my hands grabbed the wood icing and stencils and dremel tool and soon i was concocting.  such an incredible feeling.  i was afraid i would hit a long, dry spell, having dissed my worktable for so long.  but here we go!  so back to it for a few hours, then i'll check back with you!

sunny day

this is what I woke up to this morning....beautiful!  Thank you Jodie and Mary Ellen and Joslyn...Thank you for letting me play, and learn, and discover how strong I am, and how able I am...because I think that's what this whole thing was all about, actually *smile*   It had been so long since I trusted myself, or even knew myself, and even though it meant flat out laying on the floor exhaustion sometimes - i had to do it alone.  or i would never have known.  and now i know and can go forward with certainty in my steps again and plans in my heart and feeling that just-shy-of-headstrong determination that had been worn down.  i am reminded of a T-shirt from Jen Lee that says "Gentle Spirit, Badass M*F*" except the last word is all spelled out but i feel prudish this morning.  i get in my own way, and i noticed that during the process of creating an art show.  i get in my own way.  i noticed whenever my inner taskmaster took the whip, things just didn't feel as wrapped in love, or like they fit...those elements stood out, felt jangly.  and if i went back and redid them in the right spirit, then it was smooth.  but otherwise, it was like a speed bump on the autobahn.  when my focus fear was money, that's what failed.  when my focus fear was on a particular piece of art and whether or not to feature it - that's when it sold, or something came up to make me realize it was a fear, not a reality.  i am giving myself the day (partially) off.  this morning i'll send out emails to those who's artwork sold, and then make a roast for an overdue birthday dinner for husband.  other than that, my studio is lonesome and forlorn.  i think i'll make a Journal of Fears, so I can keep them contained.

I started reading Melody Ross' new book, A Little Bird Told Me.  I get her daily little bird emails, and this book is stunning.  you can't just sit down and read it through.  there are so many truths that hit you between the eyes, it would be overwhelming!  order one for yourself - you'll love it.

ok - off to relax-ish.  

here are some photo booth photos from the event:

and we did.

wowa

i am exhausted...my feet are exhausted...my hair is even begging for a nap - and I just got up a short while ago.  But i'm totally amped about last night's art fundraiser!  People came out.  even our favorite Senator John DeFrancisco cam with his wife - 2 of the most gracious and lovely people ever placed on this earth, and total friends of the arts.  i hope to post some pictures soon...right now, i need more coffee!

THE day

yes - it's THE day...i know you're all tired tired of hearing "fundraiser this" and "fundraiser that."  I know my husband sure is.  and has not hesitated to express this to me.  but sometimes you have to push through the babble and noise...sometimes you know what you know to be true and the absolute right thing, and you have to kick convention in the teeth and keep on...sometimes that path looks like The Absolute Wrong turn, but guess what?  it isn't.  you know in your gut that it's the right way, and you push through the scary bits and the tired parts and the areas where you are so overwhelmed you can't even cry, because in between there is such an amped-up gush of pure unadulterated LIFEFORCE and flow, that you move towards it - even if you are the only one that can see it...and you often are, because it's your path...yours.  and maybe along the way, someone will walk with you...someone who can also see what you see, or maybe they can't, but they believe in you enough to follow side-by-side, trusting in you and giving support.  maybe just maybe.  and maybe they start to see the glimmers and shimmers of light along the path that kicks up from your heels like moondance and sparkles.  and that, my friends, is where the magic is.

today i wish you courage to follow your gut, your heart...to dance with abandon in the sparkling reality of what you've always known...it's a marvelous night for a moondance, after all, no?

We need a letter that's like i & u together for when we're doing stuff like this, he said & I hugged him & said a lot of people want a letter like that.
-Brian Andreas (again!)

Low-key mainly because she's got enough going on inside that she doesn't need more people around her ready to freak out at a moment's notice.
- Brian Andreas, StoryPeople