gifts

how could a perfect morning get eclipsed? by a perfect afternoon, of course. spying baby ferns unfurling...

a perfect banana walnut latte by the lake, with a warm breeze on my face...

the shore guarded by giants...

reluctantly home to begin A Conversation...

today was a day of Slow Easy. an early afternoon meeting bringing opportunities to share...rain nearby, but not here yet, brought a tropical feel as the humidity rose - my hair defying any attempt to be sleek...an empty house is perfect for some tea & orange slices sprinkled with cinnamon, and some Flora...feeling thoughtful, and counting each of you as the gift that you are - bringing each to mind and holding you up for a sprinkling of blessing. my wish? for a huge house by the ocean where we could all gather.

it's humid, and the scent of my neighbor's freshly mown lawn mingles with last night's rain...wafting in my studio window making me dizzy with spring...our second spring, really. somehow, fat bumblebees have been coming inside to visit me, and everything stops while i play capture-and-release. they go up high to my lights, so it's not an easy task. today is a slow one...easing into the day with coffee, and finally a time to play around with some design ideas at my jewelry bench. nothing needs to get done, so it's relaxed. i'm stretching the last of the linen that Caroline gave me, and have some inklings of what that may turn into. just a gentle morning - one i've needed. smoking has been mostly good - some days just 2 cigs, some days 4, but i never thought i'd get to that plateau without an intervention! on the days i feel like smoking more, i say "ok" but wait 30 minutes to light up. and usually by then, i'm elbow deep in something and no longer feel the urge. when i do smoke, it feels foreign, and usually after a few puffs, i'm done. so that's a real step. with the season's change, i feel a stirring - an awakening - inside...creatively. there are things i want to express in my art and can't wait to do it. i'm still back-and-forth about an offsite studio...it would mean not having materials close at hand when midnight inspiration hits, or the snow is many feet deep, and it would mean leaving Diva alone most of the day. but it would also mean more focus. there is no laundry or cooking or phonecalls or computers in an offsite studio. maybe there's a happy medium. maybe if i split materials, and dedicated a certain amount of time to the offsite - say, 3 days a week or something, then i wouldn't feel like every waking second needs to be spent there. that mindset gets as confined as a cube in an office. but a big empty room where i could spill paint on the floor and not clean it up - that would be fantastic. i'll look around closer to home, rather than downtown where i assumed i would want to be. one of my Summer Sisters is coming to visit next week, and i am downright geeky with the thought of it! she's coming to town on business, but we will have some time to spend afterwards. i may make her miss her flight home :) it's amazing to me me how much this fills me up - just the thought. ok - time to shower & get outside in the day...thunderstorms predicted for the afternoon (thank goodness Diva can't hear them anymore) and i want to get a walk in before that. wishing you a beautifully sweet day....

a word about friends

First...I can't thank Caroline Szozda enough for her help (well, she did most of the work) hanging my show today. 7 hours of work, and she didn't feel good.  and it was an icky-ish day.  without her, i dare say i would have just flung the work up there in frustration.  thank you thank you Caroleena.  so stop in sometime this month - the Library in The Galleries downtown.  I'll be there 5/19 noon-3, but anytime during the month is fine.
While we were setting up, the oddest assortment of people stopped to chat.  and y'all know how i am a magnet for people of the oddest assortment.  one kid in particular stopped by, wearing his gang banger do-rag and all posing and semi-smarmy.  but i noticed he had very proper English, and began asking him questions about himself and asked if he was an artist (i mean, why else would a gang banger stop to watch art being hung?)  it turns out he sketches, and has a few notebooks filled.  i asked him his name, and then Caroline asked him his name - he gave her a different answer, so i called him on it.  turns out, he doesn't like his first name, which is unique and such a melody.  i decided for him that his 1st name would be his "artist" name, and that he should be back at the show on May 19th with his sketchbook, and we would plan his art career.  i teased him about his choice of headcovering.  i watched as he went from a poser, to a young kid, or a young man with delight in his eyes that he could talk about his art.  i hope he comes back.  Caroline & i were starving and trying to leave for lunch, but he kept talking & talking.  thirsty.  i want art to save this boy from his gang.  i want that.

In other news, a few years ago, I had the distinct pleasure of meeting Nicola Taylor.  She is beautiful and wonderful and has the most delightful heart evah.  and she has worked so hard for her dreams, and they have come true...she is living them.  and recently, she was picked from a huge huge choice of people in the UK to be in Stoli's first film.  Do not forget her name.  (and her calendars are yumm wonderful eye candy - no, that's not right...the depth of emotion each image embraces most certainly is NOT a quick look.  oh go see for yourself on her website.)  but look at this:(she is the photographer) (oh, and the video will say something about technical difficulty - just click it and it'll take you to the youtube version)

seen on a t-shirt:  I will protect this house.

5 words.  got me thinking as i shopped for larger size pants, feeling not-so-great about it but realizing it was inevitable since i am down to 2 1/2 cigs (tops) for the past few days.  i pictured my body as the house that needed protection.  from what?  from being bullied, and told it was ugly and not quite good enough and should be ignored or needed to be shoved into Spanx and worked and sweat and contorted until it fit "the" definition of what was good and beautiful and acceptable - even to me.  protect this house.  and then i thought how cool it was to have a "new" house (my new size) and how i get to decorate the new house.  and it was all good.
yes - i do plan to walk more, and yes, i do plan to try zumba, and yes, i do plan to ride my bike more.  but i do not plan to un-love my "house," my temple.  i plan to become more active because i can now breathe, and want to be more active.  i can express my dance mojo through zumba or modern dance or salsa dance.  i have been every size from a 0 to 14.  i felt healthiest at a size 6-8.  it is likely that single digit pant sizes are a memory.  but i tell you this - i will not be defined by my size or my age or any other "restriction of acceptable beauty" that anyone dares to put on me.  do not make me come there and have a conversation.  i will not call myself fat, i will not call myself overweight.  those are measurements of standards that belong to someone else.  I AM. what has always mattered most me was Who You Are in the world, to the world...and that will matter most to me as long as i take breath (newly fresh breath).  I rarely notice a person's size or physical attributes when i meet them...more the vibe they give off, and the kindness they show.
Protect your house.  from outside bullies.  And inside bullies.
Love that t-shirt.

Life Plan

Life Plan

I asked her what she planned to do with her life & she said she was way beyond that point already. I'm just happy I remember to be there when it happens, she said. -Brian Andreas StoryPeople just a clarification about my last post...i was in no way bashing anyone or "downing" a retreat...it was about the little subtle epiphanies we have as we go through life, and how sometimes we have to get flattened in order to get the point.  in case you wondered.

finally - a morning to ease into...i took a bubble bath last night (!) and relaxed on the couch with Diva & bulimia cat vying for best position...i highly recommend this bubble bath: Primal Elements Rubber Ducky. It's the official bubble bath of ElDorado 2011, and absolutely addicting! so i had a soak and a relaxation hour, counted my diary of smoking and saw I only had 6 cigarettes yesterday - down from 25! we 3 went to sleep early, all snuggled in. today is busy with the details of the show ...tags, pricing, inventory list, and all sundry matters that need attention. i refuse to get caught up in facebook today, and waste my time. The sun is shining, though, and the cardinals are out in full force calling me to sit on the deck for a bit, so it's a tussle. still a bit too cold to go out in my jammies, so i'll work. i am loving my part time job...just the right balance of everything...not too busy, not too many hours, something different every minute. i enjoy my co-workers, and have the opportunity to go outside and stare at the hawks whenever i want. the facility is all windows, so i can see when they are near the nest (the hawks, not co-workers) and expect to be able to watch any babies fledge. not sure of there are eggs, but time will tell. i feel like i am finally stepping away fully from the crankiness and "off" feeling that has dogged me since october. resentments that were being held have been released, and i'm moving on, not wasting time to analyze why they were there in the first place - why waste more time? i am happy & have deep gratitude for where I am and what I'm doing and what's been given me in life. it's interesting to me to see other friends and acquaintances as they go through life, and hear their expectations and things they look for. a lot of the younger (30 and under) people i know are struggling with their identity and how they fit in and what their purpose is. then the 40's people have an idea of what they want to accomplish now that the kids are out of the house. when you get to the late 40's+ it's all different. when i turned 50, i had the sudden realization that my life was basically half over. should i live a healthy life, it was still unlikely that i would hit 100, so i needed to do the things most important to me. now. and there was no time to luxuriate in "finding" myself - i was right there, and no amount of guru time would change it. the secret was that in living my life, i was who i was. no searching needed. i didn't need to know how i would react in a given situation...i would deal with the situation when/IF it came up. i didn't need to be more like someone else to be a better me...i was who i was for a reason, and who cared what the reason was. i am who i am and need to get busy with life. the kind of leisure, vacation-y things i chose changed too. i love getting together with like-minded ladies! but - there has to be some substance behind it if i'm going to pay someone else for the experience. for years i've gone on art retreats every summer/fall, and these have changed my life. it's about the gathering together of women...artistic, creative women. and i have cherished these weeks like a lover. but it's also about the art, and the skills learned while i'm there. the deep friendships that have been made have inspired my artwork in ways i could never have guessed. and enriched my life in ways i never thought possible (and i hope i've done the same for them!). one of the biggest disappointments i had to overcome these past months was the fact that none of my family of friends would be traveling to meet this year. and i know that even if they were, i would not have joined them, unless it was for a weekend, apart from the retreat. all expressed to me the same feeling that the time was planned for a younger group this year - finding their voice, centering themselves in the chaotic world, building courage to take back with them. at first, i felt a dark flash of anger that "my" special week had been ruined - that the only time i would see most of my tribe of friends was that particular week...no sitting by a roaring fire with bottles of wine and stories from the front lines...no talk of paints and wax and technique, as we picked phtalo green out from under our nails. we had been bumped out just by the choices of class offerings. alarmingly, the resentment grew until it was unspeakable...i was afraid to share what i was feeling because it was just so ugly. between being sick, and holding this back, i was unable to create. not a single drop of paint, not a single gemstone strung on a silver wire. and the bigger and uglier the feeling got, the sicker i got. hmmm. when i lost my hearing, i finally got scared enough to fixate on something else, and eventually the wind was shifted from the Ugly Boat sails, and it began to deflate. and finally today, it crossed my mind for the first time in about two months, and i realized that i had stepped away from it...without meditation circles or any spectacular means...just getting on with my one precious life, and not wasting whatever time i have left. whew - this did go on! i guess the quick version is this: each stage of a person's life brings different things, and different priorities, and all of it is good, and all of it has it's time...just like the Bible (and folksong) says...to every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose. i'm no longer feeling the ugly anger. disappointed? yes. very much so. but i have to believe there is a reason for this, so i'm going forward with gratitude - real, true gratitude. because if there's something more important than hangin' with my girls, then it must be spectacular. and to the ladies: I miss you each & every one!

still here! working crazy hard, and it is exhausting. will catch up with the full toot later today or tomorrow.... wishing you days filled with so much overwhelming goodness

bonjour!

yes - it has begun...the great retraining of the mind to think en Francais, sil vous plait.  i looked at Rosetta Stone ($599 yikes) and a few others, and decided that I'd go with Living Language ($179) because it was cheaper and has an online component where you can work with an actual french person (yes folks! an Actual French Person!) for immersion conversations via skype or something.  i'm going to go through these cd's before i start the adult ed class...i know a beginning adult ed french class would have me running for the door - too basic, i think.  and i want to learn conversational language, not how to conjugate words and such.  so far i can say: hello, how are you?  what is your name?  my name is Mr. White (we'll need to change that i suppose).  How's it going?   good? so-so? super? fantastic?  Meet my wife, Madeline. (yeah).  Have a good evening.
not bad for 20 minutes?  (i skipped through it). (i may need vodka)  it's just too nice a day to be inside learning anything...i spent an hour or so this morning out back embroidering, and it was tres formidable (fantastic). i just made that phrase up.  so back to my comfy chair outside.  oh! a nap outside! yes!! ok bye for now!  bonsoir/au revoir depending on your time zone.

oh hello! remember me?

I haven't even tried to post for a bit...the new job is spectacular....logistics is right up my alley...just like a puzzle, trying to get this to there and make sure there's enough of that here. thankfully, it's just 3-4 hours every few days, though. i still have time to get my artwork done, and speaking of that - yikes! so much to do for the show! inventory, wiring the pieces, some actually still need the sides finished. oy. but it's all very good. i'm doing good overall on the no-smoking-campaign...some days excellent and some days okay and some days really could do better. but i know it will be a gradual process for the next month, so i'm not forcing the issue. i plan to use the money i save to go to Paris next spring. yes, i know. this is the girl who could barely make it across town not so long ago. and still is a little shaky at times. but i need a goal to fixate on, and i am confident that this will happen. i'm thinking about signing up for some french immersion classes. did you know my original career track was to be a french teacher? damn those sidetracks! it's a beautiful day, with a gentle breeze creeping in my studio...time for a walk, then breakfast, then another walk with diva. no wonder my days are full - all this animal spoiling. wishing you a day of gentle breezes carrying sweet scents....

I was blog hopping this morning, while waiting for my newly discovered tax man to call me back ("in 20 minutes" 2 hours ago) and found this exquisite quote on Big Strong Girl Designs (not sure who the actual author is):

"memorize her face, her skin, her touch, her voice.
listen closely to all that she has to tell you. be there
when you are with her. embrace time with her and cherish it.
memorize it all....one day that is all that is left~ just a memory."

I'm down with that...

from Paulo Coehlo

you can sell your time, but you cannot buy it back.

TIGERS!

A good friend, and one of the nicest people on this earth, Jason Roche has written & produced a documentary about the old Tiger's Stadium....go to kickstarter & donate so his dream can be realized...here's a peek...

diva

diva is slowly slowing down. actually, a bunch of slowdowns happened all at once, and now a creeping towards places i don't want to think about. she sleeps most of the day & night, despite my attempts to lure her out of nappy land with Pink Gorilla and Sheepy, her very favorite toys. her "nest" behind husband's comfy chair has all her other friends lined up in a circle around her blankie, as if a human hand arranged them. her little walk is now a big walk, with her needing to be carried the last few yards. i think the hardest thing for me right now is her eyes - more times then before, she'll look at me as if she is completely stumped as to where she is and what she is supposed to do. yesterday she bit the cat. they have had a cautious friendship for the past few years, with diva even allowing kitty to sleep on the Sacred Woobie during the day (this is the blankie at the foot of the bed). i am patient with her, giving hugs and spending extra tummy rub time, knowing from watching Kita that this could be a final few days/weeks or years. we have been through a lot together.

she is my love.

Andy in training?

A Structure - 4th in a series :

This twig structure resides impermanently in my neighbor's backyard. it is the 4th such structure he has built - each out of fallen tree limbs and twigs...each with a found element - a glove, a bright yellow balloon sagging with water, a red ball. they are remarkable in their complexity up close, and are free standing...no tape or nails or any mechanical means of holding them together...just careful consideration of placement. i watched (covertly) as he worked on one, and was amazed at the intensity of his concentration, and the result.
My neighbor is 6 years old.

soulmates

it's true - I have a mad crush on Paulo Coelho. His books are incredible. and now, here he is:



and here's another ditty from StoryPeople:
not sure if she's ready for the whole world, but not sure if she can take another minute cooped up in that cage either. leaving the door open so if she has to come back she can do it with a minimum of anxiety

tonight is the season premiere of Deadliest Catch. I know, I'm a dork. but husband and I watch it like it's our job. just sayin'

semi-productive in the studio today, having had an early early wakeup call from bulimia cat...apparently my hair looked like an excellent place to make a nest, and at the pre-dawn hour of Cats Awake, much shuffling, pouncing and digging began in a serious attempt. for about a minute. then my brain engaged enough to figure things out. and make it stop. but there i was awake. so i headed to the coffee pot and the day. it's hard for me to go back and work on a painting or collage once i feel done with it, but i have a bad habit of leaving the gallery edges naked, so that's my work for the next weeks. well, the aforementioned bulimia cat is banging his/her head against my shoulder blades, demanding attention...not content to simply sit on the back of the chair.
wishing you a day filled with fuzzy love....

“Nuclear armed flying robots. On remote control. What could possibly go wrong?”

-Rachel Maddow

wow - has it been 5 days?? ok - here's a treat from StoryPeople:
It was a day filled with the glow of ordinary things & we passed them quietly from hand to hand for a long time & someone said she had picked a perfect day to be born & I think all of us felt the same.

happy birthday to you....

it has been quite an emotional up and down and all around, as my feet get steady and start moving forward...sorry to let go of an old dream that really didn't work for me anyway...excited about some upcoming possibilities and opportunities...trying to decide on a few - do they fit where my feet want to go, or are they still fragments and threads of the old thought? sometimes tempting and hard to know.
i will say this - i am feeling real good about some solid decisions i've made, and am hoping the universe cooperates with where i want to head.
it's kind of interesting to watch those makeover shows - the people kind. you look at the "before" shots and wonder why they never gave the hair back to the 80's? dreams are a lot like that...if held long enough in a dark spot, they don't gleam quite as much in the light of day, and you wonder why in the world you held onto it so long, and why (perhaps) you grew resentful of everything and everyone who "stood in the way" of you being able to make it happen...you know the excuses, and some are quite valid...but dreams need airing out every so often...trying them on for fit...seeing if they still work with your path and where you are headed...a dream from years ago may not be enough for your grown-up self - or may have seen too much time pass. or, it may be the perfect thing at the perfect time, and now you can run with it! there's a new show on TV called Touch. the show espouses that every thing and every person is connected by a golden thread, and that if this tiny thing changes here, then it will affect things down the thread. i believe that life is like that...that maybe a dream from this time in your life was there to bring you to point B, and point B walked you along till you got somewhere else, and on & on. Maybe the purpose of working the dream was not to be a world class whatever, but to make connections and put you in situations that will take you to the real Purpose of your life. maybe. you decide. but whether or not you ever get to follow your dream, or whether or not your dream becomes a wild success or not, give honor and gratitude to it, and don't be frustrated & resentful if it doesn't look like what you planned. for it is the dream that is taking you along your true path - wherever that may lead.

on the phone

me: do you think everyone can make some form of their dreams come true?
her, from miles and miles away from me: yeah, but what if a person just has no dreams?

she had me there.

Preview

May 2-30...The Galleries Library....downtown Syracuse...my solo show: Untitled: the artwork of Linda Esterley. So Far.

(not to change the subject, but see the kitty to the right? put your cursor on the white spot by his tag. cute? it doesn't take much to amuse me)

Frustration #749 : falling in love with a blog, only to discover the owner hardly ever updates....

breathin easy

i stayed up way past my bedtime last night, and enjoyed some time chatting with handsome husband...diva is at Camp Grandma's, and it allowed us relaxed time without diva & bulimia cat growling & grepsing, and no major Imminent Situations to deal with. so we wandered around idle chatter. it was like when we first met. this morning, he got up before me (amazing - i slept till 7!) and had coffee brewed & waiting for me. This. Is. So. Nice.
so how's the smoking/not smoking, you ask? well, normally I need to light up within seconds of getting up in the morning. this morning, i got up at 7am, hung out with hubby & had coffee, felt so good that i went for a power walk which made me feel better so i retraced my steps and took some pics with my camera phone. came home and had a bowl of whole grain cereal and am now typing this, making plans for a Smash entry, AND have not smoked yet and am not tearing my own eyes out. so, to answer your question: good right now. yesterday - only smoked 5, as opposed to 25. so here are my walk highlights:
it all starts with the 1st step (and every good blogger has a foot picture in there somewhere, right?)

Still needed these in the morning...

the sun was glorious as it began to light the trees...

bath time...

the Fairy Chair...amazing in the summer when wild daffodils and trillium surround it...and in the fall *groan* ...

going now to look up a new yoga studio between my house and the wildlife rehabber...a nice in between state of mind. but first, get pics printing and SMASH!
wishing you a day of beautiful filtered light and smashing successes....

SMASH

ok - am i the last one to the Smashbook party? is it so 49 seconds ago?

am loving me some smashbook! i am not a journaler - unless you count this blog. i try. but just don't find myself fascinating enough to engage my own time on paper. but this smashbook...it makes this fun. and easy. and there are ACCESSORIES! yes! little stickie things and drawing/gluing things. and cheap-e-ola. so yeah, i'm diggin the red one. apparently each color book has a theme. so much fun. please don't tell me it's old stuff.

ah ha

ok the answer is revealed! the question was why am i such a slack-assed wench lately? surprise! sick again - radical stomach flu of the don't-move-or-i'll-barf variety. 2 days full flat out...no food, no liquid, no medicine will stay down. mom took diva. kitten saw a compatriot in the bulimia. today - shaky but standing. and wondering what the heck happened to my immune system that i am constantly sick. ok - in the shower, at least, to wash off germies, then a new toothbrush and sheets. at least it will smell april fresh!

the thing of it is this...i'm exhausted and sleep like it's my job, and i don't feel like i have a direction...a new direction, anyway...and i feel like it's shifting toward a new direction, but i'm not sure where that is or where i'm headed. when i was little, i remember a cartoon i saw on our old scratchy black-and-white tv...the cartoon character was sleepwalking and got up on some girders in a high-rise construction site. just as he was about to step off a girder into the great void, another girder would come swinging by and he'd miraculously step onto that. it continued like that for a bit. that's how i feel, kind of. except i'm not sure where the next girder is coming from, and don't know which way to step. i am sleepwalking though! there are some really cool opportunities i'm involved in - my show in May, Squam necklaces, necklaces in-store at Rockywold-Deephaven, website workshops, etc etc, and i'm grateful for all of it every single second. but it feels like a shifting of direction is not in any of those directions. oy. we'll see what happens.
Meanwhile...I've spent a few Amish days...barely checking email on my phone, not logging on to the computer at all, no tv, and with the exception of a web workshop yesterday i've just kept to myself and quiet. it's been nice. i actually finished reading Arcadia, which will find it's way to Sue this week sometime. The author is from this area-ish, and mentions my city a few times. kinda cool.
diva dog is in full howl, so i will wish you an excellent evening filled with shooting stars against an indigo sky....

sorry it's been a while...busy with getting ready for the show, teaching website building, and trying Just Trying to keep up with it all. yesterday, i woke up at 6am, went back to sleep till 10 TEN! then lay on the couch till noon. sloth-like wench. we went to visit Aunt Romayne in the hospital, went to late lunch/early dinner, then i hit the couch again and slept til 10pm, when i went up to bed for the night. what the heck? blame it on the return of cold, damp weather? all i wanted to do is papoose up. today has been more enthusiastic, with the Becky Home-ec-y thing in full swing. ah well. Time is running out, by the way, on this year's Squam necklaces...visit me www.lindaesterleydesigns.com to get you some goodness!
ok - back to the paints. wishing you an hearth-warm day with hot chocolate & marshmallows....

a different year in pictures

Last March 20

yes - i know...spotty posting. seems to be a disease in blogland recently, as the sun begins melting the fatigue and chill in people's bones...exuberant outsideness...our usual temps are in the high 40's for this time of year, and yesterday was just a hair shy of 80. today, i'm headed outside with beeswax and torches and brushes to work some encaustic madness. i've been waiting forever for this, as proper ventilation was a problem in my studio. working madly to finish up pieces for my May 1st solo show. i'll try to drop in and tease you with pictures, but it promises to be a busy time.
wishing you sweet spring scented breezes to stir your soul today...

Tshirt my husband brought back from the Spy Museum in DC.
ack! so much going on, and lingering crud still nipping at my heels. plus, the quit-smoking thing, plus a solo show to finish work for (1 month away), plus the cemetery project, plus applying for grants, plus....oy vey. but it's all good. just a lot of it at once. well, mostly all good. the crud part i can live without. sometimes it's easier said than done to "put something behind you" and get on with it. sometimes you need to be heard. and sometimes you have to balance the need to be heard against potentially hurting someone who may have deeply hurt you unintentionally. sometimes i just ramble when i get tired - like now. so time to add another coat of gesso to cover the World's Ugliest Painting, and get some sleep.
if only there was a gesso made for life.

never ceases to amaze me

I have kept a magazine around for 10 years...Art Doll Quarterly. a specific issue. because a picture of a fantastic creation brought tears to my eyes, and i had a certainty in my heart that one day I would meet the creator. Not only did i get to meet her, but a number of years ago, i took a semi-private workshop with her...Wendy Ellertson. you know how sometimes you meet the person who's been inspiring you for a while, and that person is not who you'd hoped they be? not the case here. i remained slack-jawed and in awe for the entire 4 days. she is kind, smart, funny, generous, no nonsense, creative, talented, and to say she thinks outside the box - honey, she kicked the box to the curb eons ago.
just a quick inspirational moment.
now back to gesso.

processing

it's a beautiful spring day...the robin's and cardinals and crows are busy outside my window...the sweet air is drifting through my studio...the sun is bringing a smile to my face...i'm still processing everything that re-opened yesterday...sudden inklings of the truths that are being revealed to me - not filtered through another's remembrance, but through fact and love...and on one hand it makes me sad to think of all the fallow time that has gone by, but on the other, i am so very grateful to have had this glimpse before it got later...before it was too late. fences that seemed impossibly high seem like a mere step-over. i am more determined to get my project off the ground, though last night i admit i was ready to walk away from it. a good night's sleep and some good breakfast provided clear perspective. now to take diva for a walk, then take myself on a walk alone with my thoughts and plans.
wishing you clear skies and clear vision....

let me back up...yesterday morning was this:

then in the afternoon, boating with Perfect Patty the wrap wench at Pirate's Cove. some freaky times, i tell you.
wonderful, relaxing time...much needed.

ok - today. It was the best day, and one one of the most emotional ones I've had in some time.

i found my father's gravesite. you may know I'm trying to put together funding/sponsorship for a mapping project for the cemetery. this has become a passionate hope of mine to be able to do this. I haven't visited my father's grave in over 30 years because I couldn't find it. records were stolen, maps were mislabeled...all manner of confusion exists. But at the heart of my intention is that I am not the only person with this problem. and even if you do know where your loved one is buried, it is not always possible to visit the gravesite. my hope is to be able to map the cemeteries and create an interactive website that is searchable by name, and will have a picture of the headstone. being able to see that on a screen right in front of you is a comfort if you aren't able to get there in person.
But I'm sidetracked.
The most important and remarkable part of my day was reconnecting with my Uncle. It's late & I'm tired, and afraid I won't do the topic justice, so I'll wait till tomorrow. but i will say it was difficult not to spend the entire visit bawling. i think i did an okay job of "casual," but my emotions were so close to the surface...looking back as an adult, I've come to realize the incredible generosity of my aunt & uncle...they opened their home to my father, mother, brother & I, and we lived there for quite some time - maybe a year or more? Two families...my cousins doubling up so we had room. how in the world did it all work without world war three? but the love between my father and his sister was so strong that it did work. I cannot imagine being asked to take in my in-laws, complete with a kindergartener, and a baby, and a mom who felt insecure and like an outsider...i know my limits, and a weekend of it maybe...but a year? I don't think my generosity would stretch that far, I'm afraid. maybe. maybe not. but it was the way it was, and the gratitude i feel for them allowing this cannot be put into words. and seeing my uncle today - still handsome as i remember - just brought it all back. so - more
tomorrow. time for bed.
hug the ones you love...

a plan

(a pre-apology for the wacky fonts and bolds and spacing - i'm not sure what blogger has up it's sleeve, but after 30 minutes, i can't fix it, so be prepared)

I had a dream & I heard music & there were children standing around, but no one was dancing. I asked a little girl, why not? & she said they didn't know how, or maybe they used to but they forgot & so I started to hop up & down & the children asked me, Is that dancing? & I laughed & said, no, that's hopping, but at least it's a start & soon everyone was hopping & laughing & it didn't matter any more that no one was dancing.
-Brian Andreas StoryPeople


I'm halfway through the book The Power Of Habit, and I think I may have a plan for my smoking.  I'm not going to quit.  Correct.  But,  one of my fears about quitting has always been the weight gain (went from size 6 to 12 in a month last time).  That got me thinking about joining a gym first, or figuring out a way to incorporate more exercise into my daily routine.  Standing or sitting in one place all day while i work, has made me sluggish and chunky.  and it isn't the shape of my exterior that has me all stressed - fabulous people come in all sizes, as do hateful people.  it's the fact that getting heavier means buying new clothes to fit, and i just restocked the local Goodwill in my recent closet purge.  and i'd much rather spend money on other things.  so the two things will work together...i will continue to smoke BUT - only after I've taken a brisk 30 minute walk and drink a glass of water.  the walk/water rule will allot me 2 cigarettes.  whenever i want them...two in a row, or spaced over an hour, two hours, etc.  but after those two are smoked, another walk/water break must be started.  this could work.  i believe it can.  and i am asking for all good thoughts and prayers.
why walking? well, first of all, i live in the woods, basically, and am surrounded by beautiful smells and sights and nature and all good things, which includes trails through those woods. if i have to get in my car to go to a gym or yoga studio every time i want to exercise, it won't happen. history has proven that to me. but walking the trails - instant. open the door an start putting one foot in front of the other. and then there's Sam & Mary. when I was growing up, we lived in an apartment complex for a time. not just any apartment complex...this one was still being built, and was one of the nicest ones around...an address to be proud of in it's time. and there seemed to be an unwritten qualifier to the application that you needed to be Jewish. I know, but it was a different time. we nicknamed the place Hanukkah Heights. but there was an older couple that lived there, Sam & Mary, that I've always remembered. not because Sam guarded the gate to the pool, and not for their heavy German accent, or the number tattoos on their arms, or because Mary would turn the garden hose on us when we were misbehaving & in range. They were old & sedentary. and Sam was told he would die soon, due to his inactivity and heart problems. this was waaay before Plavix and pills to control just about anything that befell you. "walk," his doctor told him. so every morning, Sam would walk. a few yards at first, then the loop around the apartment complex, then up and down the road and around the apartment complex. every single day. and soon Mary joined him. Their walk was their life. they walked incessantly. and years went by, and Sam & Mary were still walking...not laid to rest, as their doctor had forewarned. but healthy and with as much speed and stamina as us kids. (almost). this was also long before organized commercial gyms and fitness centers and spas. just one foot in front of the other. every single day. Sam would be around for many years to torment us at the pool, "Sign in your name!" he'd gruffly yell at us when we approached the gate. He took his job, and his walk, very seriously. so i think walking will be the thing.
the cool thing about this book is that it shows the relationship between the cue, the action, and the reward. i'm hoping that the healthier walking habit will replace the smoking habit for a relaxation payoff. i've identified my cues - when i'm more apt to smoke a lot - and if i can respect myself enough to stay with the plan, then this could just work. i have a tendency to give myself permission to cheat. but the additional reward of saving for a Paris trip in 1 year will be added incentive. i'm going to dust off my high school French, and sign up for a French class at the local adult ed, in order to make it more real. (did you know i wanted to be a french teacher when i was in high school? thank you, Madam Whorrall for making it seem so possible). I've calculated the cost of each cigarette, and will put the amount i've saved each day into a special account to watch it grow. my husband did that when he quit tobacco, and is saving for a boat.
so that's my plan. nothing else has worked. this will. i just know it. Plus, diva will get her daily walk earlier in the day so i don't feel guilty about walking without her. this is to be a brisk walk, and there's nothing brisk about her daily walk anymore.
wish me belief ....

handsome husband and Perfect Stepdaughter are taking a father/daughter trip to DC. they left this morning, after husband did a quick turnaround/change luggage/sleep a few hours breeze through the house...he'd just gotten back from a weeklong biz trip. i cooked an awesome dinner for myself, instead of the usual chips in front of the TV...watched a few movies...am reading The Power Of Habit now, and have decided that i may be able to quit smoking if my goal is to take all that saved money & go to Paris in a year. it's ridiculous that my attempts to quit have not yet been successful, and i hate that something that nasty controls my life. it really does. i remember being offered a job, and one of my first thoughts: how far to the front door? can i make it outside for a smoke, then back to my desk within the allotted break time? and going to a movie is like a ticking timebomb...after the movie ends, it's a race to the door, through a mall and outside to smoke. then catch up with friends and being the stinky one. i really hate it. by the way - smokers are aware that their clothes smell, that their habit is inconvenient, that their breath smells, that they are wasting tons of money and their health. and don't even get me going about the stinky car...how many times have i felt the need to warn people that, although i'm happy to drive somewhere, the car is stinky. i suppose it's the least i can do so you aren't trapped in it unawares. most smokers would give anything to have the habit just Be Gone...but according to a Dr friend of mine, the nicotine habit is harder to break than heroin. so, not to be rude here, but disdainful looks and comments are not a help. we know you mean well, but if paying $10.50 a pack isn't stopping us, then the evil eye is not going to cut it. thank you for caring, though. i have tried chantix, wellbutrin, hypnosis, acupuncture, inhaler thingies, lozenges, patches, drops, cold turkey, deprivation, smoking only outside, smoking only on even number hours...pretty much everything. i've smoked in the hospital bathroom when i was a patient, i smoked when i had pneumonia, bronchitis, root canals (and if dry socket doesn't cure you, i dare say nothing will)...it's been a battle. and yes, i feel badly about it. but the fact remains that i smoke, and right now, it is a part of the package. hopefully i can be done with this mess Very Soon. i want to be able to hug my friends without wondering if i'm grossing them out. i'm hypersensitive about that. and i DO care about it. it just has not been easy to master this habit yet. but soon.... so what was i talking about before i took that left turn? oh, right...house to myself. and suddenly i felt older...remember the days when being home on a saturday night was the Worst Possible Social Fate? funny, now i crave it! any day of the week. but not a lot of them in a row. maybe i'll take a friend to the movies tomorrow. just make sure it's a short one...

i stole this from Stephanie Lee's blog...she's right - look what can happen without video game distraction...

this will get your heart pumping!

got tix! yeah, i know...i probably already told you....

from Brian Andreas: I still fly a lot in my dreams, she told us, but I try to stay close to the ground. At my age, a fall can be pretty serious. It's funny, but as we get older, we're supposed to get wiser, right? sometimes we get more careful instead...nothing like a mortgage and a family to support and car payments and car pools and laundry - all that "real life" stuff - becomes the new reality...and stepping to the side to remember our dreams and hopes and plans for our life that we wished upon stars for when we were younger, well, they seem like a selfish luxury...who are you to want to (fill in the blank) when your kids need new cleats for football, or what if it doesn't work out? what if the dreams i held as a child / teenager / young adult - what if those dreams were just pie in the sky? how will the credit cards get paid and they'll ruin my credit and the mortgage will be late and we'll be homeless living in a van down by the river and my kids will hate me and my husband/wife will blame it all on me and i.will.be.a.failure. a big dripping stinky failure. there are thousands of variations on that theme. thousands of reasons big & small, real & imagined, that stop us. or waiting for the perfect time - after the kids are gone, after the mortgage is paid, after i save X number of dollars as a cushion (which never seems to happen. see above "cleats.") so we dream smaller. and safer. and maybe a huge art career with paintings in a prestigious gallery, or a lucrative licensing contract becomes a dedicated area in the house (with a real door) for us to paint or sew or doodle and dream or write that novel that's been perking inside. and maybe that is just perfect. our goals and dreams change, morph, become candy coated or end up found in an old winter coat pocket covered in fluff and old kleenex. but you see, they are still our dreams - our spark...the piece of us that make us US. and in some way they need to be honored...given sunlight...i watched a documentary recently about a woman who is a well-noted art collector. she really wanted to be a sculptor, but never felt she had the gift. so she worked and worked and spent every cent she could on other people's art. and that was good enough for her. her home was filled with incredible art. (actually FILLED - she would easily be termed a hoarder unless you looked carefully). i guess my point is to never give up on your dreams. even if they need to be modified to your adult life. it's crazy/fun to screw up your courage and say, "i'm going to dive in head first, and trust the net will be there." and it may be. but do you have the nerve for it? can you face down the fear and the family commentary when things are slow? and maybe they won't be slow - maybe you'll have to run to catch up with everything...all i can tell you from my seat here is that your dreams never give up on you...somehow, sometime, and usually with regularity, you'll find yourself wondering "what if i had..." Make time for whatever conversation you need to have with your dreams...make time to let that spark out, however it may be configured in the life you chose...it isn't necessary to heave the table over and start a new meal just because the salad isn't crisp enough...am i saying "lessen your dream" on one hand and "grab the ring and ride" on the other? no. just know what your deepest gut feeling is telling you...know your comfort level...you are no more or no less the person of your dreams by living them the best you can in the life you have.

good advice

i love Madea - I channel her when I yell at the kids. this video has a lot of wisdom - Madea style. it's a little long but worth every second...wishing you strong roots....

this morning, i wrote my hopes, dreams and prayers on the shower wall with a soap crayon...as i shampooed my hair, i looked around me and saw it all there...the handwriting on the wall, as it were...a watery vision board... i think this will be a new practice

to say the year has started out with a bang and a wobble is probably an understatement...so many core beliefs i held were tested to their breaking point...no surprise, my physical health suffered, with pneumonia & bronchitis lasting months, flattening me and taking away any energy for inspiration or stamina in the studio. just as i was ready to throw away my brushes and gel medium, a spark was lit once again. more like a bonfire. and i've been painting in a style i've never done before, with results that i'm actually pleased about. Necklace orders and re-orders have been coming in steady for the new Squam 2012 designs (keeping it simple) and my studio is humming with enthusiasm once again. now to keep up! I have a few shows coming up, and some artwork to be published! But in the midst of this, a shaking of friendships and connections...ones that i thought were solid, heart attachments showed themselves to be so much sugar that melted with the damp snow...others surprised me - my mistaking their quiet, gentleness for "acquaintance," when the connection was deeper, but less in need of a constant communication...one of those Golden Tethers. Priorities were recalibrated...boundaries reset...a deep look inside to help the sorting...and when i thought every possible stone had been lifted, and the squishy things revealed, another Something would slam into me. there was always one constant in my life that i could depend on for respite, and when that was removed, it set off yet another chain of ugly emotions and reactions that i didn't know existed inside me. and you know, there's no moving forward with those kind of screaming toddlers clinging to your ankles. so it has been a tiring and tense 6 months, as i alternately tried to run from the issues, and stand & clear them. and finally, on this first day of March (already??) i can say that a sense of peace & direction has finally returned...would i wish to go through all that again? no possible way. but the result was worth the mess. much like my studio these days. i have to say, that up until last night, there remained some dangling threads to the tapestry. but last night i received the news that a woman who has been a dear dear light in my life was given a devastating medical diagnosis, followed by the doctors telling her there was "no hope" for treatment. i cannot fathom what her heart and mind and body are going through. i simply cannot wrap my head around it. and my feelings are not even in this bigger equation. she made the announcement to her facebook family last night, after spending the day with the news. she has decided that she will live her life to the fullest with whatever time has been allotted her. we all know there's no such thing as "no hope." and that a no-hope diagnosis is not always what God has intended, so He ignores the doctors. but it shifted reality. for all of those people she's touched. it shifted. in ways that focused on her, and in ways that made us focus on others in our lives. and suddenly it seemed easier to just cut those dangling threads and be done with all the minutiae of emotional scorekeeping and personal development and worries in general...cut them rather then spend eternity sorting out this and that, only to realize 5 years, 10 years have gone by and now there's little time left. those dangling little threads can choke you, for certain. they can wrap around you and keep you in place forever. To quote a very Wise woman, "You'll never figure this shit out, so just move forward." and with my new purple suede boots, that is exactly what i will do.

what wants "out" of your canvas?

yes. it's true. i am sick again. what is going on?? i paid my dues last oct-december, i should think. yesterday, i got up at 4 or 5am, had a cup of coffee, went to the studio and stared vacantly like a zombie on Quaaludes. then promptly went back to bed for a few hours. by 3pm, i was back in bed for the day/evening, waking only when husband yelled HOLY COW! over a daytona 500 wreck (yes, he's a huuuge fan). then back on the pillow for the night. fever, chills, fever, chills in endless rotation. what the heck?? today - much of the same, but am determined to get some paint splashed around, and some resin cooking. some amazing designs came to light in my fevered dreams, inspired in part by Nyquil. right now, i'm being guarded by diva and bulimia cat...both laying on my studio floor facing each other, pretending to sleep, but keeping a watchful eye for a flicker of movement from the other. kitten has started sassing back at diva...when diva growls at him/her to "be gone," kitten hums some kitty love song, which in turn makes diva madder because you can't hate love, right? apparently, you can't hurry it either - it's been 2 years since kitten moved in, and diva is still not pleased. but bulimia cat is patient. Last night...amazing sight...i went to the kitchen for a glass of water, snapped on the light so i wouldn't trip over any manner of cat toy the dog has "hidden," and there outside my window in February was a glorious fat moth. yes. a moth. i'm not sure what they do in central new york in the winter, but it isn't flutter up and down a window at night. or any other time. and i know it was real, because having been awakened by the HOLY COW incident, i compelled husband to come into the kitchen to see it for himself. and he saw it too. not just me and my nyquil. i have so many projects i want to start/finish/design/gel...not sure if rest is the order of the day, or if i should just push through, aided by chemistry. i have jewelry orders lined up on my bench, paintings waiting patiently to be finished/gessoed over & restarted, linen and canvas to stretch over stretcher bars (thanks to Caroleena a/k/a caroline Szozda, gallery owner, Guardian of the Artist, momma hen to any & all who cross her path). and a queue of instant play netflix movies to watch. i finally FINALLY got the name of the Japanese movie I've been dying to re-watch: Departures. i saw it a few years ago, and fell in love with the sweet, sad, story. mostly sweet. all in english subtitles, which i thought would make me crazy, but after 5 minutes, i swore i was understanding the Japanese. i wasn't, but just sayin. last night i had a dream that i went through a hole in the wall in my kitchen (we don't actually have a hole in the wall - this was nyquil inspired) and was in NYC in front of a museum that held all the artwork in the world. you paid whatever you could, or left a donation of a tube of paint, and could stay there as long as you wanted...they had little pod apartment things so you didn't have to leave...just nap and continue. how cool would that be? but i think it's definitely overdue for a museum/gallery trip. what is your favorite museum in nyc? if you had just 2 days to visit, what would you see? ok - some nice steamy hazlenut hot chocolate and my pillow. the bug wins for now.

well, i had a really cool pictures of the snow falling mightily on my kayaks. but my phone and computer just aren't speaking (still) so imagine this: yesterday morning smelled of spring - even the honking of returning geese filled the lake. every sense was filled to bursting with freshness, and the sun warmed my back as diva and I made our trek through the woods. Right In Front Of Us, barred owl swooped toward an unsuspecting squirrel, but pulled up short and returned to his tree where the path makes a turn toward the second pond, and evergreen give way to birches and cherry trees and ancient oaks. treetops filled with song and the icy skim on the lake began transforming itself into soft undulations. bucolic, right? a few hours later, BAM! a clap of thunder came suddenly overhead, bringing a blinding flash of lightning. the house shivered almost as much as diva. then rain. the cold, pelting kind that slaps your face and finds a path to trickle down your back as you bend your head to escape it's slap. then the wind began, tossing trees branches to the ground, as they dared to swell with early buds. gusty howling drove rain sideways, making me fear for diva as she reluctantly went out back for a last potty break before bed. this morning...snow covering my waiting kayaks. so it appears that we shall have all 4 seasons every day - something for everyone. Thursday, i participated in a webinar featuring one of my favorite people on earth: Christine Mason Miller. we ran through one of the exercises in her book, Desire to Inspire. (which you should own). it seemed simple and crafty on the face of it, and a lot of fun. but then you got to thinking. and you know the trouble i can get into when i get all thought up, right? but back to the webinar. she had us pick 5 characters from fiction, history, movies, etc, that we admired. for the sake of time we narrowed it to 2. then we wrote the name of each on separate pieces of paper (or your journal, if you're a journaler). then list the characteristics of each...then list a defining moment or quote in the book/film, etc, that speaks to you. then we pretended that we had an opportunity to sit with that "person." what would they say to you? (i may have these instructions a little sideways - so much has happened since thursday). It was clutch time, and i had to think quick, so of course i came up with...nothing. well, not nothing nothing. but nothing that would wouldn't reveal me to be the trash-movie watcher that i am...nothing, umm, smart. but i wanted to participate. so i said Be Damned to my inner critic, and picked a character that has haunted me since i first saw the movie of the same name: Precious. if you saw the movie, you know there are parts that are almost heartbreakingly unwatchable. and yet, Precious just goes about her day, slogging through whatever has to get done...wearing any anger or hurt under the protection of many layers of clothes and body. yet she is gentle and patient with life - makes no excuses, just does what she knows is right and does what she can with what's handed her. in her circumstance, she has a sense of ownership of her life, even though her circumstance is pitched wildly out of her control. yet she waits for her opportunities, even though she has no indication or expectation that things will ever change....she just hangs on moment by moment. so, i got to the part in the exercise where we write down what our "person" says to us. and the filtered down-to-it's-essence version is: Keep going. you just have to keep going. and i realized what great advice that is...to stop when faced with challenge leaves you sitting in the muck. go through, keep going. much like the pelting rain/sleet/snow of yesterday...rather than stand there bitching about how much i hated the icy drips down my neck, i had to keep going til i got home, or stand there getting soaked and battered like some sort of human pinata, while nature had her way with me. the other thing i admired about Precious was that she was pretty much derided by every person she came in contact with (except her school counselor Maria Carey with no makeup), but you got a feeling that she still didn't bother with pondering if she was better or worse than anyone else....she just ...was. i won't spoil the ending, but it's a deceptively simple film. difficult to watch in some parts, but worth staying with. In the webinar, we made small index card collages of the word(s) of wisdom (well i didn't actually do it then because i had no idea we needed supplies ready before the webinar, but i did it later). loved it! Thank you Swirly and Create Mixed Media! Later in the evening, I watched Moneyball, totally procrastinating taxes and reworking a painting (but honestly - if the roof was going to blow off the house, the last place i wanted to be was on the top floor). same kind of theme here - the Brad Pitt character made the best of his circumstance, believed so strongly in the direction he wanted to go and plowed through...even though it could likely get him fired and blacklisted in baseball. but - the flip side of the risk was changing the way baseball was done. and that risk was worth it to him. he was all in. i know i'm rambling. sorry. and it's time to hit the canvas without tying these thoughts up in a nice bow. but maybe there is no nice bow. maybe i just drank too much coffee this morning. and these are just some thoughts escaping the hamster wheel through my fingers. but the wind howling outside makes me feel cozy inside, in my studio, and the allure of quin nickel azo gold is just too hard to resist. wishing you a day of certainty, even in the face of changing windstorms....

you rock the world

thank goodness for west coast friends...the ones who call at 5am when you're having your 1st or 2nd cup of coffee, and they're just finishing their day...you get up early, they stay up late. we could never be roommates - neither one of us would sleep. but, in those world-quiet moments chatting, i want to get on a plane and be there in person. this morning we chatted about "self improvement." rather, the glut of self-improvement visionaries and books and CD's and DVD's and retreats and workshops...you get the point. and the theme that ran through our conversation was that it wasn't really "improvement." it was non-acceptance. or insecurity. or shame. but that a person is created, and has life experiences, to be the very person they are. That the person they are has a profound mission or place in the world: to be themselves. Much like a recipe, if it calls for cilantro, you simply cannot substitute cinnamon. and if a person is continually wanting to be more like someone else, then their unique place in the world is not being fulfilled. i guess this is a running theme of conversations between us. neither of us can fathom why a person wants to act like someone else, when it's so much easier and fulfilling to be who they really are. so to buy into a self-improvement mindset is to reject the gift that is you. we agreed that self-awareness, and self-growth, and self-acceptance, etc, were all good things to chase, but not at the expense of losing that first word: self. I know tons of artists that i admire, and that are far more skilled than i. do i want to learn from their techniques? try to stop me! but do i want my art to look just like theirs? no. no matter how bad the result of a day at my studio produces, to do anything less than have my own personal conversation with the canvas or rusty metal or fragrant beeswax would be cheating myself and would be pointless. there already IS one of them...there needs to be one of me. you may admire certain traits in another person, but is your heart calling you to reach higher towards your expression of those traits, or is it self-deception covering self-hatred? (maybe hatred is too strong a word, but you know what i mean.) and so we continued our chat - one idea spawning another, til it became light here and darker there (or maybe it became lighter there by this time!) and we finally said our goodbyes for the day. i picked up the brushes and paints and wood icing and sandpaper, and began to work with new colors inspired by someone near and dear to me. the composition is my own - the colors began as one of their palettes. and doggone it, if it didn't end up with my own swerve to it. Later, as i took a break, i kanoodled around the world wide web and found this on The Roots Of She: Buckminster Fuller : Never forget that you are one of a kind. Never forget that if there weren’t any need for you in all your uniqueness to be on this earth, you wouldn’t be here in the first place. And never forget, no matter how overwhelming life’s challenges and problems seem to be, that one person can make a difference in the world. In fact, it is always because of one person that all the changes in the world come about. So be that person. ditto. wishing you each a day uniquely your own.....

i finally gave in...feverish all night...feverish today...drowsy...needing to wrap up in a cozy comforter and sleep...am taking the day to do just that...a nice shower with some extra special handmade soap i've been saving, then cuddles with diva. putting the word out - needing some free canvases...new or used (will gesso). (or gessobord or claybord!) not fussy! nap now...nighty night...

so far - a very productive day in the studio...started out with a little trance dancing to get the rpm's up, then got right to it...my new easel (thanks handsome hubby) is working out fantastic! it's so much easier to get perspective by leaving a painting up at eye level, and walking away for a few minutes. when you walk back in the room, it's staring at you, the way it would if it was hung on a wall, rather than lying flat on the worktable. i'm waiting very impatiently for the Art-Is-You schedule to be posted...registration opens the end of february, and listen, huh? it IS the end of february sort of right now. whine. stomp. so far, it had better run 20 days, because there are at least 20 classes i have to take or forfeit my peace of mind. gah. i've got jessie j rocking the iPod, mixed in with Guru Ma....go figya. i think that's why one half of this painting looks like it doesn't belong to the other half. i want to keep going, but am feeling the pillow call. no point in trying to break through it. so, a nap, a walk with diva, a shower (finally) and then FINALLY to the post office...i am SO sorry if you've been waiting for mail from me. this kidney infection is whoopin my behind. off to na na land now - zzzzz

this morning, i felt a strong intuition to post something on facebook basically asking people to let those you love & care about know that you love and care about them. little did i know that i would be the recipient of a message from a longtime friend that was so astoundingly sweet and wonderful that it's like chocolate. we've known each other since i was around 13, and have shared so many bumps and turns and highs and lows, but i had no idea she thought some of the things she shared with me in that note. and we hold each other's deepest secrets. when my dad passed away in 1977, i missed out on telling him how much i loved him...missed it by 6 hours...and have held that in a little box inside for all this time. our family dynamic was such that we never really hugged or said "i love you" to each other. i had a deep intuition that night that i should stay at the hospital...the nurses had even put out blankets and a pillow in this little conference room with a couch, which had never happened in all the months he had been there. but i went home that night. and when we got the call to come back in the wee hours, it was already too late. they said that for the first time in months, he had sat up and was perfectly lucid. the guilt and sense of utter frustration and of being cheated softened some through the years, but never left. so i learned from that, and from that day forward, have always tried my best to remember to tell those close to me that they matter...that they are indeed loved...that they have worth...that they make me happy...that i appreciate them. it may make some people feel uncomfortable, and one person i met 5 years ago seems especially put off by it, but i will always always tell it anyway. not to belabor a point. this has been a difficult bunch o' months for me, and i want to use this space to say thank you to those who have held on, held up, stayed strong for me, jumped with joy & happy danced with me, and knelt in prayer with me. it's been that kinda ride. i've made peace with so many things, and helped others make peace. and life being what it is, that whole flow thing, i know it will all just keep on the way it should. and i wouldn't have it any other way.

wrinkles

darn - i tried uploading some really swell pictures, but the droid & mac are not speaking, so you'll just have to look at font. This morning, as i was going through a box o' books, i spied "A Wrinkle In Time" and was instantly transported back to the first time i read it...licorice laces close at hand...a warm summer day with a nice breeze sneaking in my bedroom window as i read it cover-to-cover...so today, on a cold winter day, with the sun streaming in my window, i have plans to re-read it. i've forgotten most of it - just memory swatches of moments and a few words, but mostly the feeling of it...grandmotherly protection and adventure and bravery... i should just stay in bed with it all day and break this fever, but i have a few "in progress" paintings that need attention, and am expecting some good love from the mail today, so want to finish up before the mailman comes. (which gets later every day!)* a short post for now - if i don't get busy, then the morning will slip past... wishing you protection in all your adventures today.... *okay - so no one reminded me it's a holiday and there's no mail. very funny, y'all!

the puppy-ear saga continues...poor thing...i try to tell her she looks beautiful, but she knows i am lying lying lying. the shaved ear is just not pretty. i'd post a picture, but really - who needs to see that? getting the capsules into her is a an exercise in futility...i use pill pockets, and have to watch her chew them - invariably, the pocket is eaten, and the now-slimy pill is sitting on the floor. all nice and neat. or not, if the capsule breaks and the powder goes all over. then we have the drops. 6 in each ear. who makes this stuff up?? can they make 1 powerful drop?? i try to sneak up on her...i try to show her i'm going to do it...neither way works. she gets that little lip curled up and goes into kujo mode. i may need an antibiotic before this is done. oh, and then THEN there's the cream. ah yes. this stuff smells worse than garbage. sort of a sulfur-y smell, and she clearly does. not. like. it. She's always been nuts about her ears, so of course this is an ear thing. not sure why she keeps getting yeast infections in her ears, but this is the 3rd one. so by the time i hit the studio, i need a shower, and she is fit to be tied. of course, bulimia cat gets all helpful during this process, and that torques diva out even more. then kitten gets upset and - you guessed it - barfs all over. who knew working from home would be this complicated? luckily, diva is a late sleeper, so i can get some coffee in me and some work done before she rises & shines. all night long i hear jingle jingle, and think "SANTA!" but no, it's just diva's tags rattling when she shakes her head. she does it intentionally (when she isn't sick) to let me know she has to go out. like i am her servant - ring the bell, and the person will come running. and despite all this, i do love her so much. so enough of this - time to paint! wishing you a day with all the bells and whistles!

so how did this girl get to the woman she is today? How did this selfsame small, fierce person waltz down the middle of a runway, unannounced & unregistered as a contestant in a beauty contest, and find herself wearing a tiara 10 minutes later...staring straight into the camera with all confidence and ownership as if she was just taking her rightful place on the throne - er - lawn chair? and grow through years of feeling like the ugly duckling...the square peg...the friend to all, but Known by none...and then turn, and search back through the layers to find that spark of righteousness and rightness and sense of Being and truth...and lighting that torch again - or rediscovering it was there all along - and burning away the deceits she had placed upon her very own heart til it beat just a little weaker...and with apology for it's existence...and then holding that torch within her again with a roar I AM...and this time knowing. exactly. who.she.was.talking.about. How did it happen? how did she she let it slip from her knowing self, the certainty of her steps and purpose? better to ask - how did it happen, the reclaiming...with true hearts guiding and bearing her up and refolding maps and simply celebrating Who She Is, with no apologies and all gentleness and gratitude. (photo by Brian Gordon Greene/squidoo) Mourning doves have been camping and flocking in my trees suddenly...a quick turn around a corner could find an in-flight face-to-beak encounter, if one or the other doesn't make fast evasive moves...their song seemingly so sad, giving their name...and yet, so gentle is their voice...so absolutely soft is their belly...even their color invites relaxing...the mourning dove does not look flightworthy in any way, and yet their wings whistle the accomplishment...

I promise you not a moment will be lost as long as I have heart & voice to speak & we will walk again together with a thousand others & a thousand more & on & on until there is no one among us who does not know the truth: there is no future without love. _ Brian Andreas, StoryPeople Wishing you a day of sweet hugs, and remembrances from those you love.......

an incredible show at Szozda....Phil Parsons. He is an incredible human, and his work....oy....his work just brings me to tears. there's one painting in particular that just tells my heart to grab the credit card. *sigh* but it would not be possible to sneak $1K through. so, i visit it. am still trying to get my stamina back. by noon, I'm useless, and by 2pm, i better be near a pillow. the 2 hours in between that are spent trying to push through, but usually drooling and slurring and otherwise in an exhausted state. my fibro has been really screaming the past 2 days. BUT...the sun has been on full force today. after snow yesterday, an apology came from the sky, and diva and i walked even slower through the woods this morning. she has a vet appointment tomorrow, so i'm pre-apologizing to her with plenty of snuggles and hugs. hopefully she'll remember them tomorrow when they torture her. this has gone from a simple pedicure to a full exam, once i spotted a huge sore behind her ear. she is also licking her front leg like a junkie scratches their track marks. (at least so i see on TV). so Dr. Ewa will fix her. love this vet. we are both acting like old ladies today, so it's nice to have company. i actually have 3 paintings started...1 might be finished, i'm not sure. and i finished some Tiffany-style heart necklaces to take to the gallery, and put on my website, so i've been somewhat productive. i just need to get my daily rhythm back. no more owl sightings, although i did almost have a mourning dove crash into the side of my head this morning. they just don't seem that brilliant of a bird. and they don't look air-worthy, but there they fly anyway. that whistling noise is actually from the way their wing feathers are constructed, not a noise they make intentionally in their throats. in case that tidbit comes up at a cocktail party, now you're prepared, smartypants. PSD went back to school today and i miss her. she came to the show opening with me, and it was good company. ok - no more fight left - time to nap....maybe more later.....

I've been listening to Jen Lee's "The Iconic Self" CD set...you can read my feelings about "self-help" type of things in my post a few back. This video has been snatched from Jen's blog, (with permission) found here. the truths she gently brings out are SMACK full of stuff. this one in particular made me realize that my recent dry spell in the studio is, in part, coming from trying so hard to meet expectations - of myself, of my mentors, of the gallery - and that somewhere in there, my natural flow was being crippled. this morning, i listened to this short video, then went to let diva out back. it was 4am. and i have this large piece i've been working on (well, was working on months ago - now it just laughs & taunts me) sitting on a table in my studio...the first thing i see when i walk in the door to the studio. and i have some text i want to add to it, but just couldn't bring myself to. it just seemed too jarring & obvious, but it was what the inspiration for the piece (and a series of pieces i had planned) was about...but for some reason i just couldn't work up the enthusiasm. so this morning, with this video getting me thought up, i grabbed some scrap wood and just began to smear every manner of art supply on it...just to force my hands to work...the muscle memory. and then went outside again for a smoke break, and saw the sun was starting to come up, and i tell you the only way to describe the sky is in cliche and words not even sufficient...because it was not a sky that had been created for words, just for the senses. so to say the clouds were like pink cotton candy against a baby blue sky is as ridiculous as saying the Mona Lisa is a painting of a woman using dark tones. and as i took it all in, a thought made it's way past the barbed wire wall that has held my creativity hostage for these months, and bam! it hit me like The Original Thought. and i realized that the text would, indeed, cheapen the intention of the piece...that it was meant to be more of a conversation with the senses, than an emotional outburst of a specific topic...that the interpretation of the piece was meant to be individual, with each viewer bringing his or her history to it. i know what the piece is about for me, but that is secondary to what i feel my expression of art should be. so. there you have it. all dragged out under a cotton candy sky in the wee hours of the morning, with indescribable pain shooting through my knees and ankles. all dragged out by a quick little video made by gentle-voiced BAMF from Brooklyn. do not underestimate this woman...she holds deep truths.

this morning i noticed the clouds were pink against the blue sky as the hint of morning dawned weaving through the charcoal fingers of the sleeping maple cocooned alone with the cardinal i drank it in body soul spirit and my hands recited the poetry against the stark white

my goal: to take a workshop with this incredible artist, Daniella Woolf There's been a lot of shaking and moving in the studio the past few days...mostly inner work...as I get down & dirty with art supplies, I've been listening to Jen Lee's CD's "The Iconic Self." I suppose I thought "Well let's see what this is about, but I doubt there's anything new-to-my-old-soul on it." ok, who was wrong? anyone? Buehler? it is a lovely, delicate, strong, matter-of-fact-but-loaded-gun work that (when i least expect it) touches something in me. She recorded this along with Phyllis Mathis, and it will be going along tra-la-la-interesting anecdote-gentle gentle, then WHAT DID YOU SAY??? bam. a truth hits home. and i realize that you never really stop learning...there isn't ever a point where you have it all figured out. i always thought there was a time in your life where you'd sit back and say "*deep exhale* whew. glad that's done! I now have it all figured out, so i can spend the rest of my life nodding sagely & knowingly at everyone else." because i've been blessed with a stream of strong women in my life (many blessings upon you Penny) who have just seemed so in control of themselves, and have lived the life i aspire to, i misled myself into thinking that they had it all together. they didn't, but that doesn't make them any less strong, wonderful, vulnerable, role model material, beautiful, giving, kind...you get the idea. they still had their challenges, for sure. they just dealt with them with confidence and grace. they picked a direction and moved forward, trusting that they would handle any unintended excitement along the way. One such woman shocked SHOCKED everyone by announcing she was divorcing her husband of 23 years. she had waited until the last of her kids was out of high school and off to college, then moved on with her life on her terms. no one ever knew she was that unhappy in her marriage until that day. she had made a choice to not disrupt her kids' life, and went about her days in grace and happiness, for it was her choice to do so. then, she packed her bathing suit, some family pictures, her Amex card, and moved to a more tropical locale. just like that. i haven't seen her in many years (she was the mother of my ex-boyfriend) but her daily examples of how to live a gracious life took root in me...if a family was struggling, she would anonymously get help to them...when her kids were enrolled in a dance class, and another family was falling behind on their tuition, she quietly paid it, and bought new dance gear for their kids. she raised her kids in generosity of spirit and gentleness in their dealings with Any Other People. i remember her kindnesses to me at a time of great difficulty in my life...her giving was much more than financial. i was considered a part of the family...just sort of folded in to the loud, fantastic, world that was their family. I'm not sure why i'm off on this tangent, but there you have it. today, i will be more gracious. today i will be more kind. today i will ask myself, "What Would Penny Do?"

synapse balloon

lightly tethered drift between yes and no, or not or just standing still......

wow - what a difference the alphabet makes - at least when you're talking vitamins! last week i started taking a good multivitamin, along with my prescription D, wowa. the energy was amazing (compared to my recent state of sloth-like being, anyway). and i finally started making again....9 new necklaces for Valentine's Day (2 of which sold the first moment they hit the gallery), and errands completed. There's been an owl stalking me. i swear. last wednesday, she flew over my head - very closely - as i walked diva. the next night, there was such an owl racket up in one of the trees behind my house, as 2 of them argued about something. then friday night, diva went out back to go potty, and being the private pooper that she is, headed to The Dark Spot behind a tangle of trees. but she stopped and just stood there, frozen. i thought, "uh oh - skunk," and raced over to her, thinking/not thinking i would grab her and go. just then a huge barred owl took flight from less than a foot away, swooped us, then settled in a tree nearby. i love owls, am fascinated by how their bodies and inclinations work, but by God they better not try to eat my diva. she stayed in the tree looking down at us, as i scooped poor diva up and ran for the door (remembering that once their talons lock in, they cannot release them till their prey goes limp). yes, i like my predators a little further away, thank you. I've also been gifted a mass of porcupine quills to make some jewelry from, thanks to Pork Chop (who i renamed Fontaine secretly). (what is your secret name, by the way?) all this nature in my face lately. Owls ask us to spend quiet time in the dark and listen to our intuition...they bring power and clarity of sight. Porcupines tell us we're protected, and herald magical abilities. so what the heck is coming?? hopefully a lottery win. i feel my creativity starting to bubble again, and am excited about what will show up... wishing you a magical day, protected from the slings and arrows that may cross your path....

divorce

Dear Google, Get out of my private business, thank you very much. Your new "privacy" policy is just a head's up that you'll be taking information you've already collected about me, and distributing it to people YOU trust. really? what if I don't trust them? can I opt out? can I say "wipe me out of your files" ? it appears not. and because you've insinuated yourself into my daily life - including the cell phone I own - all i can do is limit the damage by using Bing, and yes, using a different platform for this blog. do we have a voice in this? nope. pretty scary when you think about it. is anyone on the other end of your 800 number? nope. tried to get customer service to try to figure out a continuous error on my cell phone. so, as best as i can - i'm divorcing you google.

isn't it just the way things go? Orders are coming in left, right, and centerfield JUST at the time I decided to return to my Big Girl Job part time...the solitary studio walls were getting to me big time, and really how many times can you go through your iPod list in a day? The offer was tempting me for a while, and soon i realized that my website can run itself, and i will still have time to create...the scheduling is that good. strangely, i felt sad at first to return. i don't do change easily. and i wondered if i was giving up, or maybe being lazy by letting someone else (a corporation) worry about paying the bills. but i realized that, more than anything, i need human interaction on a regular basis. and this half in/half out configuration will supply that. and if i had a list of things i would want to do if i HAD to work outside the studio, then i have to say the list was fulfilled. so, my studio is still operational...my website is still operational...my creative time is still there, just shifted...and yes, i am very happy to make you a necklace or collage. anytime! (for peeps in the Syracuse area...I will be delivering a limited number of one-of-a-kind Valentine inspired necklaces to Szozda Gallery this weekend!) ahh. so i guess it is possible to have it all!