save the chickens/mystery date candidate

okay - i promise i will eventually get to the point, but it's a winding road...you expect nothing less from me, don't pretend surprise. i have a plan to save the chickens. this is the time of year when our thoughts and passions seemed super-tuned on politics. i feel this from all around, as i have had my email box jammed with well-meaning friends' warnings and counter-warnings about different candidates. (i know y'all mean well, but please stop. or at least verify the legitimacy of the article before clicking it around the world. that's just bad manners). so anyway back to my Plan. it seems that each candidate spends an inordinate amount of time buffling and retracting and defending, and it's hard to get a bead on what exactly their plan is to un-boondoggle this mess. so...we scrap the whole system and do it my way. anyone, and i mean anyone, who wants to throw their hat into the ring will submit a typed, double-spaced and spell-checked paper on what their concerns are for the country and how they would resolve them. in detail. the names are exchanged for "candidate #1, candidate #2" etc. No One knows who they are. a special publication is distributed to every man/woman/child/beast in the land. we can also have a moderator read each paper over the course of a few days on national TV...we can pre-empt 2 night's shows. we really can. pretend it's the Olympics. so, now anyone who has made any type of effort will have the candidates views, plans, etc available. find one that makes sense and vote for them. done. simple. no political advertising allowed. just this double-blind method. anyone caught divulging identities is kicked out. now to my point...since there are virtually no costs involved, due to the No Campaigning rule, and No Advertising rule, think of all the over-priced fund-raising dinners that won't need to be held. most of them consisting of a nice vegetable in season, a potato of some sort, and yes...chicken. so that, my friends, is how we will save the chickens. make sense? L.

excuuuuse me!

so okay...everyone i know KNOWS i worked in radio, and still have a lot of friends/contacts in radio and have been known from time to time to CONTINUE to be on the radio. so now that that's on the table as the starting point...the baseline, if you will...i'll ramble on. when something incredibly out of the ordinary happens in my life (not hard to wait for) it WILL (i guarantee) at some point fly literally fly out of my mouth at the first radio-opportunity. it's an anomoly of radio people. you are sitting in a little room, usually alone, sometimes with 1 or 2 other people. it's dark-ish. there's no air, too much coffee and it is waaay too early. at some point, your brain just goes into the other room to keep from laughing out loud at your bladder which is sweating bullets waiting for that really really long song to come on. when the brain shuts the door, all hell is likely to fly out of the mouth which has seen an opportune moment and SEIZES IT like a slippery fish. so ALL that being said...when the opportunity came this morning for me to discuss (with 2 friends and a microphone) things that annoy me....well, that opened up a veritable Pandora's box. immediately the brain said Uh Oh and shot warning daggers to the mouth, which ignored them (or possibly was blinded by it's own twitching). how to narrow the list? how to make it somewhat family-friendly? i mean, most of the things that truly annoy me are not fodder for show-and-tell in Mrs. Vogel's kindergarten class. so trying to do any pre-damage control, the brain flashed an image of my husband in CT without his clothes at the very very important vendor meeting with his boss's boss's boss. the one that i woke up even earlier today in order to fedex his clothes to (see yesterday's post). yes. that was current. somewhat funny picturing him there. and you can say "underpants" at any time of day on the radio. so the mouth regaled my 2 friends and a microphone with the story. no embellishment was needed. it was perfect all in it's contained glory. he was out of town and would never know (unlike some incidents previous. who knew he'd actually be LISTENING??). so yuk yuk fun fun. off to the big girl job after fedexing. fast forward, oh about 12 hours while i head home tired as a beast. husband calls wanting to know if i dropped the package off at the Fedex DEPOT which is where he specifically stated he wanted the box dropped off. oops. der. the mouth, being ever helpful, decides it will save the day. it was soo very proud of it's little shining moment 12 hours earlier, that it told my husband what it had told my 2 friends....and a microphone. have you ever heard a silence so silent that you could see it come out the 2 tiny holes in the earpiece of your cellphone? a silence so silent, that all other sound... just... Stops. in fear? in curiousity of what will happen next? nudge nudge...hey - wait, shh...this is going to be good. all Sound leans in a bit to eavesdrop, but does that "don't look" thing we women do in restaurants (like, "don't look...but is that Jonatha Brooke? no don't look! right there...). a sound so silent, i figured i'd lost my signal, so i hung up. and drove home, quickly, to check the tracking number and pray to St. Airbill that the package was picked up, at the authorized (but non-Depot) fedex location DOWN THE STREET and was really on it's way, quickly, to CT. it is. i breathe. i smirk. tomorrow between 8:30-11am, i will reward the mouth with candy. after the package has been delivered. was i wrong? :) L.

ok - in my heart of hearts...honestly? what is it i want to do with my one precious life? do i have a clue? abso-frickin-posa-lutely. down to the very last finest detail. i dream about it at night. i daydream it at day. i change up details. i add some of this. and that. i want to build a respite house. the KitaBear Respite House. for women. who just need a night, weekend, week or two away. to make art and take long baths and be loved and accepted and welcomed. to be listened to....really listened to. and to be seen as the shining light that they are. and maybe forgot. or maybe haven't been told in a while. i know every last nail and shingle on this big beautiful structure...i know the colors of the fiestaware on the shelves, and the size of the guestrooms, and where the kennel is located. because you HAVE to be able to bring your pals! i know all this, and have known for a while that this is my Job...to make it happen. and so i will. and soon, i feel. cross your fingers on the lotto! ***so i just got a frantic call from husband in CT (the only husband..it's just that he's in CT...not a DIFFERENT husband, he's just in a DIFFERENT state. just to clarify). i had planned an hour in the studio, then early to bed. not to be had. first diva NEEDED some toy time with me and cowpig, her new fave toy. (is it a cow? a pig? we aren't sure). so husband calls...all tense & terse. he's out of town all week at a few major vendor shows. just bought all brand-spankin new clothes saturday and they rushed alterations overnight. guess where they are? no - guess! yep - hanging on the rod outside his closet. his closet at home - where i am and he is not. now i am not saying one single word. but guess who has to find a box and overnight these brand spankin new and altered rush rush clothes to CT? and the reason i am not saying a word is because he overnighted a certain altered box to me in NH when i went all novacaine brain. so the universe spins. HOWEVER, if i was to say anything (which i am not) i would point out that perhaps he may want to just test my theory of packing the night before instead of the minute after he's supposed to leave. just a theory thought point whatever. i fully realize MY way of doing it (3 weeks ahead, then again 1 week ahead, then re-do everything the night before) is a bit overwhelming for the un-OCD, but it does have it's merits. so now i have a whining dog, a whining husband, and a not-early night, but a very early morning, as i have to find a box, fold stuff neatly and find the Fedex terminal at the buttcrack of dawn. then work. breathe. or not. oy. L.

my Seneca

could a bird BE any more beautiful? this is the same fuzzy, floppy little egg-cracker from May. she's out on her own now. my lovely. **so husband and I have decided to make this a Month of Deprivation all around...on top of the smoking cessation, he decided to do the NutriSystem for Men. not to be outdone, i signed up for the women's version. (likely identical). this extra 35 lbs i'm carrying around is making me very uncomfortable. having gone from a size 2 to a 10 in no time flat, i've never really adjusted to the extra weight being a part of me. so...we'll see. they mail you a month's worth of food at once - or maybe it's a week. anyway, i can just see myself sitting on the floor eating the whole lot all at once. please don't plan a visit during the next month (for your own well-being!). and if you must, you may want to bring a dog cookie to bribe diva into not biting you, and a people cookie for a similar reason. ** my CrowWoman is coming along real well. ** i went to the Schweinfurth to pick up my artwork from the show. i still can't believe i was juried in! and the woman there said there was good interest in the piece. so that's exciting. i have 2 more entries to prepare this week...it seems like doors are really opening. i am exhausted right now, so before i start la-la-la-ing, i'll just shut down. my energy level has been poor this week. miss y'all....L.

rhythm of the rain

can i say - i LOVE the rain...i love walking in it, i love watching it cascade down my A-Frame garage roof, i most especially love listening to it while i'm bundled up in a fluffy comforter on the couch with a good book and some good tea, my diva dog snoring my my side. today is that day. the rain alternates between a gentle tapping on my roof, to a surf-sound lullabye. a woodpecker mistakes my cedar shingles for a tree and taps away. for today, i let him. undeterred, blue jay and finch and cardinal swoop in to feed at my windowbox. a mourning dove sits nearby trying to figure out the logistics. diva and i have returned to our routine...breakfast, walk, studio, lunch, nap, studio, little walk, dinner, walk. she is my sweetest. even with the recurring skunk-head smell. today she plopped her princessly self down in the middle of the bathroom floor staring at me - willing me to read her mind. so, out came the blow dryer. she sat still and turned her head this way and that, to be sure i fluffed everything perfectly. then turned for the other side. i swear. when she was all hurtful after her surgery, i would tell her the story of the princess who had sooo much love that God turned her into a puppy before she exploded - because, as you know, puppies have an unlimited capacity for love. now, i KNOW dogs cannot understand a full bedtime story. i am aware. however...THIS one prefers to hear it. every night now. i am sure it's the soothing sound of my voice that does it, rather than the actual story (which has gotten quite detailed as these months have worn on). so no harm. and it's great birth control! so, on that note, i will snooze a bit, then continue working on my CrowWoman. remind me to tell you about the snipe and the hummingbird. L.

friday

okay y'all....cross your fingers for me - today is surgery day 8am....i swear i wish they'd just take that uterus o-u-t instead of poking and proclaiming and prodding. i am done cajoling and threatening. I've put my doctor on notice that if whatever she does doesn't do what it should, then i will take matters LITERALLY into my own hands with a hemostat, pizza cutter and soldering gun. maybe a little gauze. i am done done with this gyno stuff. to old. too cranky. too busy. so anyway, i got off on a mini-rant there, sorry. so hopefully i will get an experienced anesthesiologist and will report back tomorrow. if not, well, expect a commotion. L.

nightcalls

last night...diva dog, the crickets and me...from the woods Who-WhoWho-Whoooo....then from the other side Who-WhoWho-Whoooo...the bard owls calling each other...locating...i called back, a flimsy attempt, sure they'd never be fooled....reward: a call from each side, moving closer, answering me....a special moment as the skygems flickered and watched in the inky indigo....today: the woods busy with gathering and calling and frantic getting ready...squirrels too busy to chase one another...the woodpecker's hyena cackle as it warns off intruders...early leaves fall and scatter like a light sprinkle of rain...the pond remains still...turtles sun themselves on Turtle Bridge then disappear with a PLOP! as we make our way past...the smell of dill and approaching autumn enchants...a monarch floats by, stopping in nearby jewelweed, hidden in the sameness of colors...diva and i take the long way through the woods. Today's Zen card - and how did it know? : "The center is not always the point of balance. When you find that place where Balance is achieved, peace will result in all situations. There is no conflict, for everything rests without strain."

...But To Where?

an older piece, but by request:

burgers & bonfires

don't ask how it started. oh okay, here's how it started: 2 years ago, after Youngblood's High School grad party, there was a boatload, a cartload, a veritable crapload of leftover food, and yes, beer. knowing how husband has a propensity to overdrink from time to time, and how teenagers have a 6th sense - a locator sense - that enables them to find hidden beer, i set up lawn chairs at the bottom of our driveway, opened the coolers, and lo! neighbors from all & about the cul-de-sac appeared, and that, my friends is how the Hillbilly Redneck Driveway Parties were born. on any given warm summer night, crowds of 10-ish will gather with their chairs,snacks, and coolers at the bottom of our driveway and be neighbors. and friends. and cul-de-parents of each others children...Children of Cumberstone. (the original beer is gone, by the way). now, i'm not sure how you all do it, but in my area, the Boyscouts do a fundraiser where they sell lobster. so last year i thought..hunh...let's have a block party with the remnants of beer and we'll drag a few grills out to The Circle and everyone BYO's and we'll be happy and have fun la la la. it worked. so we reprised it last night. with the added attraction of a nice marshmallow toasty bonfire at our place after. i love my neighbors. i love bonfires. i love Zak for letting me use his skateboard, even though he thinks i'm old. i used to be young. i used to be a skateboarder. he must have seen a little skatergirl in my eye.(that is not me in the picture, it's Zak). i am blessed and re-blessed my my neighbors...for showing up to ease my thoughts and transitions and make my Monday easier to face. has it really been 1 week? L.

by the way

go now to the music store and buy Jonatha Brooke "The Works" CD...go. hurry.

i'm still attempting re-entry....i think i know how the astronauts feel when they come back from a moon mission...there is no way to describe the increble-ness of what they've just experienced. so too with Squam. and to say, "you had to be there," is almost a bit mean - unintentionally. but there is no way to tell it. and a part of me doesn't want to - a part of me wants to keep a small secret little private piece of glowing wonder hidden in my heart for just me....to go to when i need strength...to remember when i need to give a hand up to someone else...to just make me smile. i keep telling myself, okay now - time to get back to your life, previously scheduled. but ... is it so wrong to hold something so good in front of you as long as you can? i think not, my friend. how many bad things do we hold in our heads, letting them hamster-wheel around for as long as they care to visit? this...this squam week...was unforgettable. just on the personal premise, imagine this: take a semi-agoraphobic, put her in a car with a person she met once -3 years ago, make her drive 7 hours to stay in the woods with unknown bathroom situations and many many new people all at once. so it worked out. would i do it again? you betcha....already packing for next year. one girl described the going-home as grief. and that is truly what it feels like. i'm very surprised by the intensity of the emotions i feel, even 5 days later. there were so very many sweet and gentle and lively and funny and light-filled women there....about 125 actually. it was as if the universe sent just the exact people that should have been there...no more and no less. how i got included, who knows? :) but will ever be grateful for it. now...off to yet another round of dr appts...i will continue to hold each of you up in my heart of hearts, and try not to cry every time i think of you (good cry, but missing you cry)...L.

i draw a circle of light around you, my dearest hearts...treats of life...blinking, sparkling fireflies dancing more precious than diamonds...a totem and testament to unspoken yet acknowledged...too new too unique too sensory for mere modern words expression description verbage...a thousand dictionaries fall short...a cairn that reaches limitless...my spirit carried above to defy predictability and dodge thoughtlessness...i breathe a deep breath lungs expand body aligns eyes clear and leap caught safely in your nets....

do YOU believe?

from my brother...Below is a link to a YouTube video. The video is of a student speaking without a script or a podium, to almost 20,000 teachers, staff and administrators in the Dallas Independent School District, as they prepared to start the new school year. He's about 7 years old. You don't have to be from Dallas or a teacher to be impressed and moved by this young man's words and presentation. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjwjZe8u0-E (you may have to copy & paste, but it is worth EVERY second). good day y'all! L.

Peace, Love & Squam

kinda catchy, eh? sweatshirts for next year? so okay, the brain is starting to take bits and pieces from the overwhelming days, and letting the mind examine them - just a pinch at a time lest a circuit blow. on a superficial level, it was a fabulous bunch o' days in a fabulous location with fabulous people, making somewhat passable art (not the fault of the instructors! and not for lack of their trying). to have come away with just that would have been great. however. it would have been impossible to leave with just dirty paintbrushes and smudged aprons and a hankering for some private bathroom time. so. as the eyes remember to tell the brain something they saw, and the brain collates it and allows it through to the mind, the fingers will faithfully translate as best they can. women have the ability to make deep, lasting friendships that, i think, men cannot understand. men do not have man-crushes. they don't hold hands and kiss each other just for the appreciation and love of the other's spirit. (hang on - i'm cracking myself up here picturing my hillbilly husband and our neighbor standing in the road with their chainsaws having "a moment" before clearing the trees that fell in the wind storm. oy. *wipe tears* ok better now). but to have 100+ artists all in the same area, all there with the same goal, the same spirit, one heart...it all was so overwhelming. no dramas. and it even feels wrong to say that...as if a group of women can't gather without SOMEthing going askew & awry. but okay hey, here's the thing...there is a subtle something yet unidentified in me that has changed. has shifted. it's like learning you have X-number of months to live - the unimportant seems to fall away. i have a quote on my studio wall that says "And what if you were told One More Hour?" indeed. so apparently, the brain has only released a part of a portion of a thought, because really i'm still not able to pinpoint. i think instead, i'll take my diva dog for a walk through her woods, over the turtle bridge, through the echoecho tunnel, past the monkey tree, by George's house and the mariachi dogs. i'll breath the cedar pines and pop jewelweed pods and watch late bumblebees squeeze their fat buzzing furry butts into the last nectar of the snapgragon blooms and listen as my ravens and crows and woodpeckers and hawks all announce they've been waiting for me to return....welcome home. L.

wow.

yes - i still get up early. it will take a while to process through the gift of the past 5 days...not just the art that i learned....especially that - those techniques and lessons are already wonderfully incorporated, to be practiced and played with. no, more the relationships and bonds formed - even unsuspectingly...much like adding an element changes the whole chemistry of the formula, meeting a new person touches you and changes you...sometimes for a moment, sometimes for an ever. so imagine being in close contact with 125 wildly diverse, incredibly creative, unique people, set in the woods - no, make that wooded paradise - for 5 days with the sole purpose of letting themselves be free to create art and learn art and teach art and share art, and meet other like-minded people? can you imagine? you can't. trust me, you can't. throughout the whole energy-charged balsam-fir scented explosion of activity and creativity, ran a gentle, quiet thread, a strand of a wisp of a smoky, gentle, wafting and wending and seeking out each heart, each soul, pulling gently, challenging yet not demanding, each knowing they were part of something new, something extraordinarily special, with no words to explain or contain it into a cohesive thought, for it was just a Knowing....hearts given with a glance or a hand across rugged paths through the woods, gratitude, people as different as east and west, peas and chocolate suddenly realizing they were the same, the costume didn't matter, the opinions and beliefs not a thought. for it was the hearts, the souls that connected, that played, that recognized each other in each other, and this, my friends, was what became of the most incredible idea thought up by a most incredible woman in New Hampshire to hold a most incredible art workshop week in the beautiful wooded hundred-year-old complex of Great Camps set on a famous lake, and call it Squam Art Workshops. you had to be there. L.

home again

one hour outside of Holderness, NH....car re-packed to overflowing....rain spattering my windshield...GPS advising of a right turn up ahead...Jonatha Brooke CD on track 6...one hour away, yet it already seems like days ago, weeks ago, months...yet. something. changed. a slight shift. but enough. to carry through. to the next perfect plunge, toes pointed, arms raised, hands together ready to part the surface, just enough breath held to reach the surface. now, to sleep. tomorrow i'll share. L. PS: if you're new to this blog, you may want to start at the very beginning in aug 2006. it's just better that way.

short n sweet

okay - diva dog most certainly needs my attention, as i only have 1 more day before my trip, and she will miss me as only a dog can. (mostly not at all since grandma will fill her tummy with real chicken). i am back on track, Chantix drug-wise, and am a much less drug-smug person for the experience. i start again. like my friend gail says....don't be ashamed, just do it. i sort of paraphrased, but you know. oh and speaking of miss gail....you may recall that she is married to the man who shall be worshipped? well get the altar out - the man is giving up his Mancave for her sewing room expansion. my jaw hangs unhinged and i weep openly at this. so here's to you husband of gail...you rock...sheet rock. L.

level playing field

okay. i took half a chantix yesterday and within the hour was back to good. i called a doctor, a nurse and a pharmacist (sounds like the beginning of a bar joke) and each gave me conflicting advice. so i went with the highest authority, my neighbor Debbie. we decided that since THEY couldn't decide between 1 pill, half a pill, no pill - start over, that the "half pill" answer was right in the middle and should be okay. honestly, it couldn't have hurt anything in the state i was in. within a half hour...back to zen. so that's pretty interesting. but i don't have time this morning to write about it, since i have to go to work. but i'll come back to it. anyway, while in my calmer mood, my friend from North Carolina called and said her company is in the process of opening an office here and she was sent an email asking if she knew of anyone to fill a specific position, seeing as she was FROM here. she said YES! and told them about me. so i may have a new job when i get back from Squam. i know - i should be working towards NO job, but it doesn't hurt to peek, and until i figure out what it is that i want to do artwise for a living, then it would be wonderful to at least have a job to go to where i didn't get screamed at all day on the phone. well...shower time. Diva still hasn't made an appearance yet this morning for a tinkle, however throughout the wee hours, tried to convince me that she did need out ....we did go once or twice, but i leashed her, and she actually had meant that she needed to run as fast as she could to the deep grass in the back back of the yard where something lurked. something, no doubt black & white & smelly. so once she saw i was on to her, she settled in for nappy. grr. L.

the best policy

okay so my military-time clock on my computer says 15:56...My husband left about an hour ago for his business trip. i try not to get too maudlin in this blog, but i also try to keep it real, as they say. so here's the real: i smoked. i am so sorry. to you. to myself. to my husband who hopefully will not find out because he just started his non-smoking plan. i hit another wave of despair, and said f-it. i know i just need to start taking the chantix again. but i don't know how much - do i start all over again with the half dose? do i just jump back in with the full dose? and of course it's sunday and of course the chantix hotline is not actually STAFFED by a PERSON i could ASK who probably wouldn't answer me anyway but tell me to call my doctor. who is probably having a nice bbq with her family. it really is hard to do on your own. i really should not have been so smug and nausea-driven as to think i could stop taking the drug oh-so-much-sooner than any other person on the planet, but that's what happened. and now i have an entire pack of cigarettes minus one sitting in my garage. what do i do with it? i called my husband for support and of course he was wonderful and supportive and said to go for a walk which i knew would be a good thing anyway. i left out the part where i had actually already smoked, making me a loser and a liar. but this is where i have an even keener understanding of why it is so very hard for an alcoholic to quit drinking or a heroin addict to quit their drug of choice. i hope i can use this information at some point in my life, because the knowledge has been paid for in a very hard currency. yes, i can blame the poison ivy for the sleep deprivation which has made most days a jumble. yes, i can point to a million reasons why. but the truth is simply that this is a very hard thing to stop doing. and i'm just picturing myself, again, out in the rain - the only smoker. missing out on what's going on inside. coming in all stinky and bad breath-like. and these have been such good healthy-feeling weeks. i know i will shoot for it again tomorrow. but i also know that downstairs right now in my garage is a pack of cigarettes minus one.

be Alert, and The Bike Ride (a 2-fer)

oh hey y'all...i need to be serious and personal here for a minute. if you decide to quit smoking...good for you! i support you. If you decide to use Chantix, it will help, but please be careful. i have just spent a few days inside a hell inside my head. well, not hell, but nearby. the biggest side effect they stress is nausea. oh and gas. so here you go about your non-smoking just fearing the hurl and poot. but there are OTHER side effects that you should at least be aware of so you can get help if you need help. like agitation. like depression. you may feel blood pressure issues that cause problems, your eyes may hurt, and a bunch more. and until you've experienced agitation, i must say it sounds like a wonderful way to get some housework done. but lovelies, this is horrible. there is no comfort in what you feel - it's exactly like the Lou Ferrigno Hulk thing, without the green. and a tiny part of my brain that ran and hid behind the door was terrified that this would all stick like that....and here i was 3 days away from my dream of Squam. which made me more afraid. i've never wanted to know the side-effects of medicines because the mind is a strong facilitator for good healing...or a total jokester when it knows it can convince the colon to just let things rip,and the medicine will get the blame. but i think, in this case, i should have looked into this a bit more....something powerful enough to make me quit smoking must certainly have a few things that need a raised eyebrow. so i'm not saying it's a bad or evil drug...just be fully informed. and if your doctor isn't informed enough by the drug rep that sold it to him, or didn't spend time reading up on it, then before you take the first pill, go to the website and check BOTH the patient info AND the physicians info. so enough ranting about that. i say it because i care. and i am much better today thanks. **now - one of the GOOD things i did for myself yesterday was go mountain biking with husband along the shores of Lake Ontario. we got up early-ish and grabbed some subs, borrowed a bona fide mountain bike for me (the Stinger being more for looks on-road) and headed up to the lake. it was amazing! the surf kicking at us, riding through the waves mid-calf deep, finding a baby snapping turtle about 2" across - it looked all medieval...black bumpy shell and all. we ate our subs and fed some gulls (which if you read the top portion of this post, you'll understand when i say i had a deep understanding of what they wanted). we didn't want to leave, so we kept riding around the park area...saw 6 deer and! yes! More Poison Ivy! happy day i missed it though. i'm planning a trip to Urgent Care today to see about a shot or Something...maybe a medical cheese grater. who knows, but i want this G-O-N-E. it looks gross. it feels gross. and i do not deserve this. so BE GONE IVY! but back to the day...it was wonderful to spend time by my Lake...this year the kayaks never fret about getting wet - husband's new car doesn't have a roof rack, so we couldn't haul the yaks anywhere. we went 1 day to Beaver Lake and used their rentals, but after 15 minutes that was pretty much done. small lake...nothing to see. by next year i'll be craving some white water! enough for this morning here...i'm hungry. have a good day - thank you for being my friend...ignore anything weird yesterday please...and ttfn...L.

a pinch of this n that

i am now a cooking ingredient....or at least i feel like one...i have, in desperation, been trying every home remedy for poison ivy that comes across my radar. this morning, my husband's favorite - a baking soda poultice-like thing that has been slathered on and dried. it alledgedly will dry and pull the itchies out. hunh. so now, anytime i move my right arm even slightly, i crumble all over....trailing chunks and bits of white all over. it's not contagious, but the rashy blistery part is right in the inside elbow part of my arm. my right arm. that i use a lot. *sigh* today is a semi Becky Home-Ec-y day....i'm going to the grocery store to buy some GOOD HEALTHY food. spinach and tomatoes and homemade pasta and chocolate. you know. and artichokes. husband is going away sunday and i'm leaving wednesday, so not much is needed. i just have this incredible craving to be healthy and fit. so i'm off to the studio for a bit, then weggers. i am taking suggestions on ivy solutions, so comment or email away. i'm thinking soldering gun at this point, but perhaps that's a bit extreme. L.

vexations & pretzelations

so. first the yoga. it went very well. no permanent damage. to me or the instructor. easy to follow. relaxing - except for that head down on the floor and arms all akimbo weight on your eyeball position. plus i had a few extras on my mind that i couldn't shake. how can i say this? okay - well, one of the side effects of chantix is flatulence. gas. and although i did not eat for 2 hours before the class as noted in the class instructions, well, i had a personal fear that a launch was imminent, so i held a few poses a bit longer than the rest. okay. now on to today. yes, i am home. i won't bore you with details but my arm is under poison ivy attack and i was up half the night digging at it in my sleep. so when the alarm went off, i rolled over and said "rphinmrphher," which somewhat means "go away you obnoxious noise." so i whipped out my new new t'ai chi video, and boy is it ever difficult for a directionally challenged person to follow opposite left/right on the tv screen. sheesh! he was onto the next thing and i was like DUH WAIT which made me glad that it was a video because i could make him do it over and over and over. even so, i think i may need a live class so the instructor can pose me, Gumbie-like, till i feel what i should be doing. so aside from the ivy, i've really never felt healthier. now right about here in this space, i had a whole genius bit, but it just disappeared suddenly POOF....who knows with this machine. and i just do not have the patience to re-think what i just thought. as i recall, once was enough. so time to get diva to the potty, then a Big Big surprise for my little stinky ivy carrier....a BATH! yes it's spa day for the princess. this will be her very special skunk-be-gone-once-and-for-all bath with peroxide, baking soda, and dish soap. should be fun for one of us! L.

grab your sides & snicker

ok so now here's something to brighten your day....close your eyes (not YET - after you read this!) and picture this: i'm taking yoga. and t'ai chi. although, given my current state of body-being, it's more like "yoda." the t'ai chi...well, let's just say i plan to give Ralph Macchio a run. i'm just so enthusiastic about my new-found health, that i want to do it all. all. i want to set out on a walk in the morning and not stop till noon. then swim for a while or ...who knows?? i just feel very cleansed. and this whole process has taught me so much about what i am capable of, and what is true. for instance: husband said he wanted to quit tobacco. i said,"then you already have. you just need to tell your body." now where the heck did that come from? but when you think about it, it is true. ** i'm reading a book called "The Book of Everything - Journey of the Heart's Desire," Hakim Sanai's walled garden of truth. very good. and very small for a book of everything. here's a tease..."Belief brings me close to You...but only to the door..it is only by disappearing into Your mystery that I can come in." i'm also reading "Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea" and these two picks sort of speak about my life in general. not the actual vodka. and percolating around in that monkey mind of mine is part of Christine Mason Miller's book "Ordinary Sparkling Moments" (which I KNOW you MUST have ordered by now) in which she talks about being put in a box by someone. not a REAL box...but you know...when the other half of your relationship wants their other half to be thus-and-so, and you happen to be the flesh that is representing it. (these are my words, not to worry). it got me ruminating along those lines...that if a person - especially one that says they love you - tries to limit the essence of what makes you YOU, then it isn't YOU they want. because YOU includes the parts they don't want. as i was in the midst of my shower epiphany the other morning, it did come to me that a person could only be limited by the amount that they allow. as women, or is it just me? - as women, we try to smooth out all the crinkles in the sheets and make everything nice nice...go along, get along. you may notice a little bit chipped at here, and a small disappointment there, but by God you just love that person so darn much that it just doesn't seem important. till you look one day, and it's all chipped away and the dust is around your feet and no one wants to help sweep it because it just isn't important to them. so as i have become uncomfortable with broken promises and disrespect, i also have to realize that i only need to accept as much as i want. i can either push back, educate, and hope for the best, or i can leave. those are my choices. of course, i can also leave my dreams unrealized, but now that i understand the dynamic, it would be a total walking away from art. closing my studio. because there is no middle ground anymore, and to pretend there is would be impossible. and if that other person in this relationship is willing to believe in my belief of myself, then there may be a chance for progress. but the shoes were getting very tight to walk in, and the box i was allowing myself to be contained in was getting smaller. i remember an incident on a first grade school bus, with a girl being thumped on the back, and the bully asking "did that hurt?" and i mentally begged the girl to say "yes" so the bully would just stop. (she never did, so i had to go poke the bully in the eye and ask if THAT hurt. i was a different kind of kid even then). but back to the spiritual side of the conversation here. so as i have allowed a little bit to be chipped away, there was a mental "did i get away with that" from the other side. maybe not conciously. but there you have it. with all the little control vexations - this window open, that door closed, this fan on, use hot water/cold water...etc...with all those tiring rules to follow, i had to stop finally and ask myself when it changed from being funny & quirky behaviors to being control buttons. and you know what? i'm not interested in making a time line. i will once again begin the life that was interrupted. the beautiful and gentle and lovely spirit that was once radiant from me will once again shine without inhibition, without thought of appropriateness, and will not worry about what the other half may think, feel, say on their own behalf. i will realize that i represent only myself and i will proceed on my journey. L.

glimmer

did you ever get a glimmer of a twinkle of a Big Thought and tried to stay as still as possible...not even breathe...till the Thought felt comfortable enough to settle in and you could really take a good look at it? kind of a hummingbird thought. you look out of your periferal vision and hope the dog odesn't bark so you can really see it. i'm thinking a thought like that....it's okay - it's settled in. yes my recent days have been mismanaged by hormonal surges/purges and nicotine withdrawl. yes, i have avoided the mirror, as the bloat associated with the quit-smoking drug has made me feel much like the blueberry girl from Willie Wonka. then suddenly this quiet Sunday, i pictured myself looking in the mirror. the image looking back was a young girl about 6 years old. she had a tear in her eye. it was like - why can't you see the pretty parts of me. indeed. so in that flash of recognition, i realized that i have no more right to begrudge myself the same considerations that i would give another person. i need to tally the good inside myself with as sharp a pencil as i do others. rather than facing a fault-lined image, trace back to the good, the solid, the conident of not so long ago. i know these feelings will pass, but the going-through time is so not-me that it throws everything out of kilter. so now...a quick nap with stinky skunk-dog, and then some Art! L.

Guardian of My Heart

It occured to me that it's been waay too long since i gave any proof that i actually do make art from time to time......L.

ripples

funny how actions cause Re-actions. here i am laying on the couch all green-faced and barfy feeling from my chantix (yes, this new side effect has pretty much wiped out my enjoyment of coffee. my last addiction **sob**) anyway, laying on the couch yada yada , and stepson, youngblood, the Hated One these days, says he is proud of me for quitting smoking. i'll give you a minute to let that sink in. he Actually Noticed something that had nothing to do with him. hunh...what's he want? then decides he himself will quit his newly revealed chewing tobacco habit on monday when he goes back to school. hopefully it own't be replaced by cocaine. husband says he wishes HE could quit, and was thinking about it. so meddler on the roof that i am, i said Hey! Why don't you guys both quit as a challenge? now these two are so highly competitive it is a sickening display of testosterone at times. and they don't even realize it. 2 peas in a pod. i don't think youngblood even realizes where he got the idea to stuff a wad of loose tobacco into his face from. hmmm. dad, maybe? you know just what i needed, by the way....empty soda bottles laying around with spitoon stuff in it. no wonder i feel all sickity. i have many stories but they make me gag, so i won't foist them on you. i am about halfway through "Ordinary Sparkling Moments" by Christine Mason Miller. oohhh. so very precious. it's one of those books that you don't want to finish ever. you run your hand over the cover, and find a special spot on your special bookcase for. go to her website and order now. well the countdown to Squam can be started i suppose....although i've pretty much wished my summer away in anticipation. should i come back after? that's the question. mom will be watching Diva for me while i'm gone, so no worries there (i hope). we'll see what manner of calamity september will throw at me and decide from there.i am just craving a NYC trip. and a new mexico trip. and a sedona trip. and alaska. but mostly NYC right now. so maybe i'll do a little touring. time to lay down. L.

teeter totter

you know, i'm not big on outer appearances...i usually don't notice a person's size, unless there's something real ugly about their inners that makes me stop and look at their outters. which is why i am so bedeviled by the fact that i have been bedeviled by my appearance lately. maybe it's the whole period-for-a-month thing or the not smoking thing. or both. together. at the same exact time. thank you very much but not really. i don't know. i do know that when i look in the mirror, i see my mother. my mother's outters, not inners. triple chin, batwing arms, stomach all distended. where did my size 4 go? why do i care??? that's the part, right there....why do i care? i mean, i DO care about hygeine and looking neat and of course, smelling good. i don't intentionally dress like a bag lady like someone i know who wants you to know that she's so immersed in her work that she just threw any old thing on ....could have been a dress, could have been the cat....whichever didn't get away fast enough. but what bothers me is that IT BOTHERS ME. i feel totally unattractive. i'm certain my husband is having an affair. and i've practically thrown the neighbor at him. (she's not interested either). the lying mirror makes me look smaller than i am. and AND... it bothers me that it bothers me. today, i was having a consultation with a (new) hairdresser. one who plays with your hair and asks you questions before she starts chopping and hacking and makes sure that YOU know what YOU were saying before she says ok let's roll. so she asked me a seemingly simple question : "how would YOU like your hair." i had no clue. 30 pounds lighter? 20 years younger? oh - hair. hmmmm. no idea. which made me start re-thinking all over again.....i mean, i just got a haircut....why was i there?? why am i not happy with my outters? is it my inners? is it those lying hormones working their evil against my good sense and intentions? yes i think that's 75% of it. i know better not to look in mirrors when i have PMS...it's been so long that i forgot. but the rest....i think August is having it's last gasp with me. my month of change, traditionally. this year, i quit smoking, started walking, and stopped pretending that things that AREN'T okay were okay. attitudes projected around me. words spoken around me. rather than get all bunched up inside myself and feeling hate, i sent out love. and told those projecting words and attitudes that those things were not okay with me and please be nice or leave. or that i was real tired of everything being a government conspiracy or the fault of The Powers That Be and perhaps a little life-living would distract them from their doom/gloom predictions. we'll all be happy to say "you told us so" should those gnarly moments prove correct, but let's not sit on life's porch waiting for them to make their way up that long dusty driveway, eh? so my inners are shifting. which makes it easier for my overdrive monkey-mind to turn tail and r-u-n. it didn't get far - just my outters. well, since the left brain has reasonably pointed out that my caloric intake has been reduced, as well as my new walking regimen being in full effect, it should be mathmatically impossible to be gaining as much as my impaired right brain is telling the rest of my body in secret whispers. so perhaps i should have spent more time posting about all the glorious and wonderful things there are to behold in my wondrous life, rather than wasting your time talking about feeling bloated. so here...i'll make it up to you...go here: www.christinemasonmiller.com order this life-changing, life-enhancing book. cuddle into it. love it. have a snack. L.

a nancy kerrigan day

remember the famous quote...."WWWWHHHHHYYYYY? WHY????" sums it up the past few days. i have scrubbed every inch of dog and carpet to within moments of their demise. i have sworn to all humanity that if i EVER catch that self-same skunk, i will give it The Eye and never not EVER will it do this to ANY thing Again ever. end of story. well, not the Actual story...just stinky cat's. Diva is still slightly ripe, and has a strange little chunk of fur missing from the top of her fuzzy little keppie. my neighbor says it looks like a Nike swoop. don't stare if you see her - she gets embarrassed. yes, she moved while i was shaving the stink off her. yes, i used my husband's razor...the beard trimmer thingie. youngblood borrowed the actual dog clippers. i think we told him they were hair clippers at some point. thankfully i don't own anything electric that someone else can borrow and misuse. except my toothbrush....heyyyyy. naw. so the Rug Doctor Redux event was followed today by the Gyno Doctor event. yes. i Still STILL have my period. which disappeared last february if you remember correctly, or have just heard my revolving rant lately. WHY WHY WHY i ask myself, and now my dr? i asked her to perform a spontanious hysterectomy today and she declined. i threatened to go home and do it myself using a hemostat from my doll-making supplies, a pizza cutter, and soldering iron. she got a good laugh out of that, then glimpsed the look in my eye that said maybe....maybe not...feeling lucky? so we agreed that she would prescribe this "designer motrin" type thing that not only relieves pain, but slows down the flow. then, we wait and watch. i have a biopsy scheduled for late september and that will factor into everything as well. it would have been so easy to just be a man. so i reminded husband about his comment that if i quit smoking, and he quit child-support that i'd be able to quit my job. i say "remind" because he claims to have forgotten. hah. so his question was "why would you WANT to quit your job?? and do WHAT?? to do NOTHING?" oy is he ever lucky to be alive. i said "No dear...i want to spend all day every day making sure your whites are whiter and colors brighter and making pot roast and veggies and mashed potatos from scratch." i mean, really now...Nothing? hmmm. oh yeah - i could play art. silly man. i must change the subject Right Now. so depending on what room of my house you stand in, it's either a lavender/vanilla scent, sweet water (whatever THAT is), or mango. none of these scents actually match what you'd expect. except the lavender which smells suspiciously like mothballs & grandma's hankie. i am just so excited about squam! i even bought new jammies. i returned my new workout wear & traded for them. The clerk asked Reason For Return, and i told him I'd outgrown spandex, apparently. when he asked if i'd like to try another size (a woman would never ask that) i cried a bit and declined. another random thing....my neighbor's daughter met YES MET and had a picture taken with TY Pennington. yes that ty. the ty i wanted for my birthday 2 years ago, only to get pots and pans. i wanted him for my birthday again this year, but the surprise party really did trump it. so i want him for easter now. or passover. you pick. but the point is...there he was. and she had a camera. and he looks just like he does. another random thing....i found 2 koi. like, the fish koi. and i need a home for them. they aren't happy where they are. i'm hoping gail will take them, as she is familiar with their needs, due to having a koi pond in her perfect yard. her yard is perfect, too. it's like a magazine. i can't go there or i won't want to leave. that perfect. perfect in a wonderful way...not in a fussy don't-step-on-the-grass way. so enough random things. it's 20:08 according to my computer ....1 last thing to irritate me but i won't acknowledge that it's military time, even though i changed it. hah. so sleep well tonight, and dream good dreams to do good things. then make them happen. L.

yawn

1am Diva: (tap tap tap) mom? can we go out? mom? i have to go out. Me: gricklearggey Diva: mom? can we GO OUT? Me: do you have to go peepee yagelskaarrumffsnore Diva: (quietly) not really. (tap tap)maybe. up out of bed and down the stairs. open door. diva launches through the doorway. uh oh. PPPPFFFFTTTT! full face stinky cat juice. Diva: MOOOOMMMMMMM! help! where are you?? Mom! i can't see anything. the kitty was bad. 3am, as the sprayer nozzler thingie comes exploding off the end of the faucet thingie and still stinky water splashes all over my bathrobe which has since been put in trash... Diva: i'm done now. i want to go to bed. me: you still STINK. everything STINKS. everything will always STINK from now untill everything SHEDS. tomorrow when you are dry, we will shave you. i swear sinead, if you EVER and i mean EVER even think about doing that again, you can bathe your own Stinky self. at grandma's. note to those wondering: 1)human vomit does not cut the smell, even when applied accidentally, and 2)yes, V8 juice will stain a white dog. oh and yes - i do indeed plan to shave my diva dog today. having dealt with previous incidents (though i must say more TIMELY incidents) i know that The Smell will never ever leave. just when you think it's gone...BAM! wet fur brings it out again. does our story end there? of course not. this is ME we're talking about. 3 hours THREE HOURS later, i shove wet stinky dog into her kennel and crawl into bed. she is NOT going to get on the bed with me. husband snores. missed the whole thing. 30 mins later i snore too. until diva starts screaming like a banshee. now WHAT?? husband just woke up and smelled skunk. asks "did she get skunked?" it's 3 or 4 fricking A.M. and he needs the light on in the room and has to open kennel & extract dog to ask THAT? "what do you think?" i reply in my most surly voice. he decides she was whining because she has to go out & pee. i cry, and pray to gods known and unknown. for the next 2 hours, i am woken up every 30-40 minutes with SOMETHING...one of them can't sleep, one of them scratching their woobie to make a nest...on & on. alarm goes off and i realize my BRAND NEW pj's smell like stink. my hair MY HAIR has an unmistakeable odor, which means my pillow does. MY PILLOW. my husband snores. downstairs no coffee set up, but the smell is absolutely remarkable in it's ability to stay concentrated. i hate the skunk. i admire it. but i hate it. and now i have to go to work. with stink hair. and stink clothes. and stink attitude. and sleepy stink eyes. oh cosmic waitress, CHECK PLEASE! L.

the love that launched it all

so, 2 years ago today I said goodbye to my 4-legged love, and launched this blog. i still miss him...such a special creature. From time to time, i see a glimpse of him in DivaDog, as she patiently holds my hand down and licks it till she falls asleep...her human binkie. So much has happened, and so much has Not happened in the past 2 years...i've learned so much about myself, about my journey, my path. i've learned to be content with some things, and others - strive to get past, reach further, expect more. and for the most part, i've listened to my heart and intuition and done pretty good. this being August, though, anything can still happen! smoking, for instance. Still not smoking, but really wanting to for the past few days. still with the period thing. STILL. unusual even for me. someone needs to write a book about menopause...what to expect, etc. i'll suggest it to my doctor. the past two weeks i've been so tired all i want to do is sleep...taking thursday off and doing exactly that all day. all day. my usual "art at 5am, nap at 9am, art till noon or 2, nap till 3 or 4" routine has been hijacked by the thought of my cozy pillow. i've had to shut my bedroom door so i don't even SEE the bed, or else i'm prone to be prone. is it the Chantix? the period? both? neither? who knows. i DO know i'd love to be back there now. SO. in 2 weeks 2 weeks! i'll be headed to Squam! i am uber-excited (in my tired way)! okay - calling all bets - NO i have NOT begun to pack yet. maybe this week. stepgirl was dropped off for her first go-round at college. i wasn't able to go with everyone, due to the annual company conference at the casino (won $40). i texted her yesterday though and she LOVES it. wonder what form of trouble she's been in already that she LOVES it? anyway, she's far enough away that she can't pop in like her brother seems wont to do, although this year he'll be returning sans vehicle. yes, it is in fact a punishment, but to tell the truth, i'm not certain his car HAS one more trip left in it. but all the same, we'll be confiscating the garage door openers so we can finally change the code and be able to actually secure the house & go on vacation! of course, not to be outdone, his mom had cameras installed around her property, as well as changing all access codes. and she can go for a Live Look on-line. that seemed excessive, but i have to admit, the steel cage dropping from the entryway idea i had may have seemed a little over the top to some. well, my bunnydog is up...blinking the sandman from her eyes. her fur is still needing a quick shake and she's all sleep-warm and goofy. time to go out. L.

day 4

i've been doing just fine on the not smoking thing. actually, hadn't noticed i wasn't. till tonight, a bit. they say that the hardest time for a woman to try to quit smoking is that 1 time a month when her hormones are raging like bull. well, since i haven't had that particular worry since february, i figured i was home free. not so fast. last night, out of the blue...you guessed it. of course. so very "me." well, it seems like the ultimate test is before me. at this moment, i honestly could just pick up where i left off, and the 4 days be damned. after spending a day on the end of a phone filled with furious people, and now THIS, i probably could backslide. but i won't. i've come too far to go through this all over again with the pills etc. i have a million excuses for either side of the argument, but have made sure enough people know about my triumph so i don't want to un-disappoint. it's not that people aren't cheering and well-wishing. it's just that, for a smoker to see another smoker trying to quit....it makes them feel like they'll be the last man standing (standing outside...in the winter....to smoke). so although they wish you well, it's sort of a strange relief when you re-join them. but...i have too much at stake. the chance to leave my Big Girl job is way too compelling of an oppty! so i'll go sleep this one off. RIGHT NOW! hey - go to Swirly's website and order her book! you will not will not be disappointed. Linda

deep breath

yes...i can indeed take a deep breath! day 2 of absolutely no cigarettes. i don't really even think about it. certainly don't miss the stink stank stunk. i have a beautiful image that a re-direct my thoughts to whenever those sneaky ciggies try to creep in. i had a dream the other night, and every so often an image of a cigarette would appear out of the blue, like paid placement by a set director in a movie. i'd stand there and scold the cigarette like a bad child and tell it to go away. and it would! so now i'll put away $6.50 a day in a savings account. just a quick update for you...have to run...have a boatload of soldering to do. L.

the coming autumn

it's only august, yet the air has taken on a different stillness...a somber expectation...the swallowtails dart throughout bloom's leftovers seeking sustenance before their migratory marathon...my garden irises - once as midnight and silky as an exquisite secret, now withered, their heads bob in the occasional breeze...squirrels nervously fill their larders, cheeks full, freshly picked apples carried like prizes in their teeth, chancing the path in front of a fluffy dog in order to hide their bounty...school buses a yellow-orange unwelcome sign of the closing curtain of summer too quickly....the sun no longer tarries across the sky and shadows come much too soon...pumpkins replace peonies at the farm stand and crisp ears of butter sweet corn are joined by their showier cousins of orange and red and green...soon the fragrance of pansies will be overshadowed by woodsmoke...the hum and buzz of lawn mowers gone -replaced by leaf blowers and then the inevitable snowblower. the days each hold their own passings...their own beginnings...each brings a fresh perspective and mood...scent and remembrance. soon will come autumn. L.

breaking up is hard to do

Dear Cigarettes, first, know that I love you dearly. We've been together for 30 years. You've been my comfort - my place to turn when I've needed a bit of calm. But we've outgrown each other...my life needs to travel a different path...one where you aren't welcome. a part of me is sad, but mostly I'm excited by the freedom. when i think back on the opportunities for careers and adventures that i've passed up because you weren't welcome - and wouldn't let me go alone even for a week, a day - i have regret. This is a very bad relationship - very one-sided and downright abusive. i am tied to your whims and how i need you. i see myself as "less" when i am with you, dirty, smelly, less deserving, less achieving, and find myself adapting to that, rather than being the authentic person i am inside...beautiful, loving, smiling. i must follow my heart. i know that it will be so very difficult to finally break free of you....after 30 years, a person becomes used to the patterns and habits of the other. but i will strike out on my own. i will be strong this time. i have a goal and i have dreams. and they take me to places where, once again, you aren't welcome. this time, i choose to go. this time i am commited to myself. so, in a few days - the date I decided on - we will part ways forever. do not try to follow me - i have help this time, and everyone is aware of the situation. they will stand up for me against you if need be. L.

praise Jesus!

i may have solved my font dilemma.....this is a test

shhhh! with the exception of my font choice, and my "X" key, i may be back in the 21st computing century. i even outsmarted my PASSWORD thingie on my email. husband asked if i used artificial intelligence. i replied no, and that it would not be an artificial pillow held over his face as he sleeps tonight either. sheesh. i am proud and surprised with that husband tonight though. after his declaration that he had cooked his last %#$&(&% meal for kids that showed up whenever they felt like it, he has actually stuck to it. and tonight as youngblood stared into the depths of the fridge sighing heavily and pacing, he stood by his decision. and when youngblood demanded money to go buy groceries, husband pointed out all the delicious entries that could be had, if one had planned ahead and defrosted them. being on a restricted diet as youngblood is (by his own doing), it sort of limits the choices, and does demand some forethought. but being a resourceful kid, he finally called a friend and went there for dinner. they were having his only acceptable meal - boneless, skinless chicken breasts. and water. bottled. oy. 3 more weeks til school starts. i've already informed husband that if we should somehow find ourselves still married nexxt summer, then i'll be getting my own place for a few months. start saving. so i feel very rested today, having slept 11 straight hours yesterday. the chantix is making me uber-drowsy. i drifted off while reading Oprah magazine around 7:30-ish, on the couch, and woke up at 6:30am in my bed. with a pj top on. no recollection of how i got there. now THAT hasn't happened since high school! i mean....never mind. luckily i remembered to change into real clothes BEFORE going to work. oh and hey! i made it to the 3rd page of the company newsletter! of course i look all doofy and old, but who cares. right there i am, standing amid skunks and hummingbirds and squirrels and Fuller the woodchuck. my arm casually draped over an autoclave as if i know the first operational thing about it. so now everyone in the company can see my picture and go "hey...remember her? wasn't she the one who got fired for....?" not so. not yet, anyway. well, i feel a random and uninteresting ramble about to spout, so i'm saying goodnight before y'all find and re-disconnect my internet. L.

hmmmmmm

(looks like Font is gone for good - sorry). (if you're new to this blog - i urge you to start at the beginning 8/06...it's just much better :+) NOW TO MY POINT: HMMMMMMMMM- as in hmmmmmingbird. the other day the humingbirds were swooping to my front window in a flurry of miniature busy-ness...a squeal of brakes - the feeder was empty. they'd hover look at it amazed then stare iin at me. i got the point. i mixed up their sugar water (little crack heads) and went out front to fill the feeder. which i had just done about 6 hours previous. as i was pouring the liquid from a BIG botttle into a LITTLE hole, i hear HMMMM close by. not hmmm. HMMMM. and sure enough, a little hummingbird landed right on my elbow. if i dared to move, i would have told him that this stuff would surely rot his little teeth. not to mention the high concentration of food coloring. and maybe he should supplement with, oh say, a burger or nice little worm once in a while. but there he stood, pacing like an expectant father, nervously shifting from foot to foot, waiting for his sugar fix. he flew away just about the time i was losing feeling in my extended arm. i stood on the front step and watched. sure enough - he bombadiered back, took a few long sips, then turned and flew towards me. he stopped, then flew back to the feeder. i tried to send out good vibes so he wouldn't be afraid, but honestly, i think as long as the sugar water held out, he couldn't care. things that make you go hmmmmmm. L.

lost words

my brain has refused to give up it's extensive collection of vocabulary words...it stands there - arms tightly crossed, hip jutting out, spoiled child pout with it's nose in the air. it refuses REFUSES to speak to the mouth. the fingers are okay, but not no never again the mouth. as the mouth runs the attic stairs searching through boxes of haphazardly stashed vowels, consonants, phrases, english, french, yiddish...it becomes more frazzled, more chaotic. i fear soon it will give up altogether. become silent. forgetting all but the most common of words. the mind must compensate with descriptions - the dishwasher becomes the watermaker. a crow becomes the sound it makes CAW CAW. i fear the day when i should become like the women my mother used to care for in the Old Age Home....sitting all day by a window pointing and shouting obscenities which could mean anything from Here comes a car, to Oh look a robin. the hands try to smooth things over, delivering beautiful art. the brain assures me it isn't Me, just the mouth, and fragrant word pictures tickle my soul. the fingers type the words stolen from the mouth. L

cross your fingers!

i may be back in the electronic age....i'm trying not to look directly at my computer and maybe it won't realize it's working. so i'll type fast. still no font choice - sorry. and still only-occasional email so don't send me those forwarded jokes that virused up my computer in the first place. they aren't kidding about send it to 1.2 million people OR ELSE. and ps my address book is gone for good i think, so send me a nice hello so i can rebuild it. so after 1 week of Amish-ness, i realized just how much time i waste sitting here staring at this box. between quitting smoking (still in progress) and quitting internet, i should add about a month onto my life! now i'm not quite ready to quit the internet entirely...as you can see, (or smoking) but honestly it was getting a little silly. i always mock my husband out for his Weather Channel addiction. we will be in the middle of a hurricane and he has to check his blackberry to see what the weather's doing. it's like, HELLO! look out the windowberry. and yet here i am kanoodling around blogs and websites thinking, "gee, i wish i could..." Well, i'm here to tell you, i CAN. if i start Doing, and stop wasting my time. not that every blog is a waste of time (this one included) (tee) it's just time spent peeking into someone else's life, is time not available to live your own. (except this blog) :) you know what i mean. so i will carefully and trepidiciously click the Publish button and hope for the best. go DO something swell! L.

still amish

well 3 days and $200 later...there were over 50 bad things on my computer, plus a trojan virus. nice. so i excitedly brought my little one home from the 'puter hospital and plugged her in. she worked perfect! for about 5 minutes. **sigh** so i'm down to irregular email access and very limited internet. oh the inhumanity! L.

the flu

my computer has a virus so bad that the computer fix-it guy has spent over 2 hours just trying to load anti-virus software on it...ths particular virus blocks the anti-virus software. (not THIS computer - don't worry!). it has to stay overnight. i feel so guilty. i also feel sooo tired. day 5 on my anti-smoking drug...smoked a lot today. also napped incessantly. up at 5am for 5 mins. back to sleep till 6:15 when my actual alarm went off. back to bed at 7:30-9:15. only got up then because i felt like a slug, but found my pillow again briefly till 10:30. dozed in a chair in the computer place around 2:30, then came home and slept till 4:30 when the phone rang. so not like me at all. i have a feeling it's the pills. which won't be such a great thing, so i'd better get motivated here and q-u-i-t. honestly i could just go right back to sleep. poor diva feels abandoned. this morning i had a mourning dove at my window feeder...they're really too big to be using it, but don't tell them. it's the same every time...they fly in like huge zepplin, their beaks hit the window as they land ON TOP of the feeder. then they stare in at me for a bit while they collect their wits and try to figure out how to get at the seed. eventually they'll hop down into the feeder beside the one they've landed on. they look so soft, i just want to cuddle one...and their color - a dusty brown? brownish gray? the closest description i can think of: Necco wafer brown. with that same dusty stuff on it. god i love those! well, i should eat before i nap again. husband made some killer salsa. everytime i open the fridge it singes my hair. maybe a nacho platter for dinner. nice and fat free, eh? tomorrow. L.

just shoot me

now NOW the "extra" computer won't work, however for this brief & shiny moment, i am able to connect on MINE. something very tilapia is going on. plus when i turned on the light downstairs -POP it blew out. then another one. then chairs started levitating. JUST KIDDING. so it looks like a good day for a migraine after all. L.

oycrash

STILL NO FONT CHOICE. breathe. okay...just an fyi...some kind of virtual hex has been visited upon me...i am in a semi-crash situation, and will be unable to send or receive emails. suddenly and out of the clear blue, my computer wants me to provide it with a password to get on my outlook email site. monty python-esque. i have no idea what password it'sooking for, since i've NEVER HAD ONE to do this function. i did however have one to use my System Administrator Super Powers. well, i suppose i still DO but haven't needed it in 6 years so have NO IDEA what it is. and - guess what?? in order to change my now-needed email password to something i can remember (after 8 hours of futzing with this, i can think of a few choice ones...none shining a favorable light on microsoft which has no HELP phone number) in order to do that, i need to -you guessed it - sign on with my Sytem Administrator Super Powers. i am right now at this moment using the steppers extra laptop computer which you have to hold upside down while pushing the ON button. no lie or exaggeration. why? you may ask. Blogger isn't email, so why, pray tell? well, let me tell you. beCAUSE my INTERNET connection ISN'T working EITHER. rather it is - then isn't - then is. i called verizon who determined that since EVERY OTHER computer in the house works AOK, it's my wireless router and gave me the phone number to the offshore Lyncsys helpline where i spent the most painful 2 hours with "Mike" spelling out words like p-i-n-g and such, and then determining that the p-i-n-g came back fine, and the lying S.O.B. wireless thingie said it was operational and had excellent manly strength. strong like bull, in fact. super strong. till Mike hung up. then it stuck it's virtual tongue out, gave me the finger and shut down. (insert BANSHEE SCREAM). husband was dragged upstairs for a go at the computer. he noodled around, but honestly i think he knows less than me. I JUST WANT IT TO WORK is that so wrong?? this week you must call me....no email...do it old school. call or write a real letter with a licky stamp. i cannot get email **sob** I am Amish. "why???" i ask. "WHY couldn't this happen to the kids?? why me??" and here i am trying to quit smoking. sweet jesus i could just commit a crime. please pray for me. and please let me know somehow that you are out there and care. clearly i'm dismantling. i already miss all those stupid "forwards" that people send thinking oh ha-ha maybe SHE'LL like it. i do like them, i'll admit it, and i miss them already. but do not jam up my mailbox with them this week or as debbies father says - i'll snatch you baldheaded. L.

wow!

what a day...(still no font choice...sorry). sunny and pretty in the morning, with a trip to the farmers market, then major clouds and thunder in the afternoon. our camping "trip" got thundered out last night as well...husband had just complemented diva on what a good camper she was, when she spied heat lightening. oh boy. she may not have thumbs, but she can sure "nose" a zipper open to a tent flap! after bringing her back twice, and having her march across my head panting and drooling on me, i figured the chances of enjoyment of this folly had been reduced to near nil. so we grabbed pillows and chewies and woobies and headed inside. she was never afraid of thunder till she saw keeter freak. oy. i watched "2 Weeks" with Sally Field this afternoon...bawled my head off. (well - sally wasn't watching it WITH me...she was IN the movie.) so i'm off to disassemble clothing for a special memory quilt. yes...those are rearing their ugly head at me again...but this one i do gladly and with much enjoyment. besides, after struggling and swearing my way thru so many that came before, it will be nice to do one that goes smoothly. (now Lynn...stop laughing or i swear i will be calling you at an odd hour when my frustration has reached max capacity). ok we're good now. L.

a complete day

today was a day that makes you smile and sigh...complete...restful yet much accomplished. the tshirts are cut and now onto the clothing. lunch with an amazing friend Lynn...we tried for a full year (or was it 2?) to get together but something always came up just before our "date." so now we pretend we AREN'T getting together at a certain time/day, and we've actually made it twice! a nice evening with the neighbors in the driveway...one of our "hillbilly driveay gatherings." eveyone brings a chair and we just hang out and chat. such a wonderful neighborhood...everyone looking out for each other. well, off to bed - or should i say tent....husband and i are camping tonight - in the backyard :) L.

today

DARE TO LIVE.

stuff

so. day 1 of Chantix. actually 2 hours in. my hands are kind of itchy, and my eyes feel buggy. otherwise, good. i made it a whole 3 days at work and boy did i build character! 2 more months. this peaceful, centered feeling has returned to let me know i'm headed in the right direction. ususally when i get close to that fork in the road, all chaos rains down, and that's pretty much how my week was...changing my mind about workshops to take...changing back...and all manner of "the usual." i re-read blog entries from day 1...and i thought "who wrote THAT?!" what a blessed year, eh? this year has been one of growth, as well, but different. the "honeymoon" period waned, and this year has been the time to grab the hoe and start digging up weeds...the harder work by far. and i must say i haven't always handled it like the blessing i'm sure it will be when i look back amonth...a year from now. now go here: www.womensgathering.com . we must go. read up on the 13 Grandmothers. it has a feeling of Something Important.

To Cheryl, a fire warrior …and in these days of nameless faces there's no one truth but only places my life is all I have to give… dare to Live until the very last dare to Live forget about the past dare to Live giving something of yourself to others even when it seems there's nothing left to give…. good bye, my friend....i'll see you on the other side

when you wish upon a star

hopefully you'll be able to read this....the "Font" feature seems to be missing from the toolbar. some big news! first, go here: http://www.ellertson.com this is the artist i'll be taking the workshop from! amazing. can you just...? come with me! bonfires. music. kayaking. food. cabins in the woods. oh - and art! this will be the most amazing bunch o' days, i can tell already. so many gifts have lined up and been gently placed in my lap in order to allow this. first of all, even FINDING OUT about it. then getting the grant. then...oh on & on. it just has the feel of something Amazing, Lifechanging, and Important. even to the point where (are y'all sitting down?) i am about to take another leap at quitting smoking for this. yep. tomorrow at 11am i'm going to the doc for that new prescription, chantix (SP?). 3 of my neighbors used it. and i've heard some pretty impressive things. why not? it occurred to me sunday while walking through the arts & crafts festival. my life is controlled by this habit...planning out my time to be sure i can smoke when i need to. planning where i go and who with. having to bolt out the door after a meal or a movie to smoke. it wasn't the money. or any social pressure. just the inconvenience of missing out on whatever was going on. so cross your fingers for me. i have a real positive feeling about this. who knows? so i'll keep this short since i have a feeling it will be in teeny tiny font. sleep well y'all! L.

a perfect day

i have a standing date with my angelfriend to attend the annual Arts and Crafts festival every year. i've learned to bring plenty of water, as she has to stop every few feet to chat with people she knows. one year it bugged me. this year i knew going in what to expect, so i just flowed with it, and guess what? i re-realized what an incredible, boundless, unselfish, caring, sharing, networking person she is. she shares her knowledge, contacts, opportunities with abandon. she is the person who dragged me kicking and screaming into the realm of believing in myself as an Artist (with a capital "A") and furthermore promoted the heck out of my work. and having all that in the forefront of my brain while we walked/stopped/walked/stopped the festival, let me see her amazingness in action. this is not a town of art abundance. and yet it is. artists here are very territorial. if they find out about a show or new gallery or source for cheap art supplies or new technique, they guard it like a state's secret. so although art aquaintences are made, it's difficult to make any real, true connected friendships. except for my angelfriend. as she wove her magic throughout the day, at least one artists exchange program began it's birth (between Puerto Rican artists and syracuse artists), 2 major exhibitions took form from the dust, and everyone she touched was uplifted by her. i am humbled. me - the socially incontinant one, was speachless. and throughout the years, poked and prodded along by her, i have come to feel worthy and equal as an artist to those i've admired. still in progress, but still worthy. twin soul mermaids. and the thing that i love is that i can ramble along, working out a thought, and it's okay. the thought feels safe with her and so begins to show itself. i'm working on the thought about how i've presented myself to my husband throughout the changes in my life recently. why he doesn't take me seriously as an artist. is it because i've downplayed it, knowing that art is not a value of his? knowing his disdain for "starving artists that live off govenment money?" such an angry man. have i presented an apologetic, unworthy feeling when i want to go to a workshop or retreat? have i hidden my excitement over a gallery show, or being published or being juried into a statewide show, or or or...? i think all these things. it doesn't give him the right to dismiss it all. but i guess i realized today that if i want him to change, then i needed to change. that he was reflecting me. and somewhere hidden inside, that voice got tired of waiting for the brain to hear it, and had already started the process. i keep going on about the squam workshop. but you know, it's already magical because for the first time, i'm not going out apologetically....i'm sharing with him my excitement, my hopes, my fears about it. and that allows him to respond to that, rather than to my feeling like i'm sneaking out the window at night to do no good. so that's a step. others steps have started, as well. and it's good. so whether or not this is salvagable remains to be seen. but i'm willing to bet that we can at least acheive mutual admiration. the day was brilliant, the company excellent, the peace of it all - priceless. and i came home to the steppers in residence, my little diva with her kitties, and a restfulness in my spirit. not bad for a day downtown, eh? L.

having it all

i found this on Jen Gray's blog and it just fit so perfect...she's a photographer, and this was written under a picture of a pile i mean PILE of straw hats: its okay that you want to a zillion different things. i am the same way. and that doesnt make us flighty. that makes us curious and so totally not boring. and besides, there are enough people walking down the same road, wearing the same hat, and following the rules perfectly. i say we try it all on and take what fits and toss what doesn't. i think the way you are is absolutely brilliant. have at it girly, have at it. this is YOUR life, not theirs. it just seems to fit my Recent Life perfectly. after a brief pause, i think by "recent" I mean since i was born. Diva does this thing when she's playing - she has 2 favorite all time no-one-touch-these toys ... white bear bear and PinkBunny. when you toss one of them, she'll carry the other in her mouth while she goes running for the other. it makes for a difficult fetch session for me, since she can only carry 1 at a time. i'm the retreiver. no pun intended. but back to my point. i've always been the hold-this-while-i-check-out-that girl. and for the longest time i thought it was a safety net thing, but in retrospect, it was more like a transition thing...i wanted it all - or at least wanted to try / see /smell / experience yada yada it all, and if the opportunity to do that came around while i was already holding 1 thing, then why should i have to give THAT up in order to include another?? make any sense? for a time in my life, i was pretty much able to live at the whim of my fancy...reaching into a bucket of money and grabbing a handful of Entrance Tickets. that time is clearly over, so i do have to pick and choose where i use those coupons, but that doesn't make me any less curious...any less straining-at-the-flesh to go / see / smell / taste / try yada yada. i guess that's why i have so many different art mediums flying out of my fingers at any given moment. i'll sit with an idea, but can't decide whether to work in clay or fiber or rusty metal or or or. such problems, eh? so y'all...please please check out Squam Art Workshops......this just has the feeling of Something Important. i can't describe it. it has such a sweet sweet spirit about it....more like the ultimate girls getaway with art thrown in. and the tone is purposely set to be inclusive...to learn. which hello means that you may not KNOW ahead of time what you came there to learn. there's a group of these art retreats that the same people go to over & over, and you just feel like you'll be odd man out if you go. and it's kind of cool that people have become close enough to others that they'd have a reunion of sorts every year. and i have no problem with that. but there's nothing new there, and it's starting to feel like a ching-ching factory....plug in artists, cash the checks, here come the participants (or "parsnips" as my brother calls them). the creator of Squam (elizabeth) seems to have worked tirelessly outdoing herself on a daily basis to make this New and Shiny and Different. it's like she's taken every single idea or "want/don't want" list from every parsnip ever to attend an art retreat and Made It Happen. everything thoughtfully considered from the parsnips point of view. oy i've rambled go figure. but go look. i have room in my car still....L

go here now

life is too short to procrastinate...go here now & sign up www.squamartworkshops.com It gets more fabulous by the SECOND. art workshops on a 115-acre "campsite" (where they filmed On Golden Pond) , 2 book launches, a national recording artist to sing around the bonfire, an incredible roving photographer, food, incredible lodging, are you wistful yet? just roam the site - classes, teachers, blog, etc...look at the astounding lodgings, sign up! come with me! you must. L.

litterboxes and kleenex

oh y'all. this kitty thing....it's wearing thin. like right now? i'm trying to type and this gi-normous fluffy thing keeps walking across my keyboard and typing stuff like: dfhuKKKEDICJHiheiao. i'm not sure what it means, but i'm terrified to go on ebay and have the cat accidentally step on SEND and suddenly i own a lamborghini or maybe worse - another cat. this one is UNSTOPPABLE. the other one is a recluse. i hoping it's still in the house somewhere. and guess which one is the object of Diva's undying affection? you guessed it. she is in emotional upheaval over a cat she can't even FIND. meanwhile the OTHER cat flops down in front of her begging for attention. and the jury is in : yes, i am allergic. buy kleenex stock fast - you'll be rich by tomorrow. husband came home from his St Louis trip last night. he met a real-live artist on the plane. she's a sculptor from Michigan. and he must of mentioned that his wife is an artist (i pumped him for details) and when she asked what medium, he replied that i make quilts and i scrapbook. i'm ending that discussion right now before i begin to turn the flame on. not that there's anything wrong with either of those activities...god knows i have boatloads of fabric. but if you know me, you know where my thoughts are dancing to now, so let's turn around fast. oh - a sign from God to walk away ...diva is up and needs to go out/find kitty/eat/go out. L.

unreQuieted love

3am. Diva: mom - you awake? i think i hear thunder. mom? (paws at mom's eyes and head). and i miss my kitties. do you think they're okay? 3:15. a.m. Diva:mom? i think i have to go peepee. down the stairs. door opens. Diva: uh oh - it's raining. can i use the kitty potty? oh - they left me a snack. up the stairs. 3:57 a.m. Diva: (sigh) I miss my kitties. 4:02 a-freaking-m. Diva: kitties, can you hear me? are you scared? i miss you. i love you. wait - oh, mom says to shut UP. gotta go back under the bed. i miss yoooooooouuuuu! 4:51 a.m. Diva:mom? i had a bad dream. (paws at mom's head). mom? i dreamed the kitties were gone. can we go check? just so i can go back to sleep. 5:45a.m. Diva:i MISS MY KITTIES! I MISS MY KITTIES! OOOOOOOOH! KITTIES! Stepgirl: (from downstairs in her pj's) WHY IS SHE BARKING???? Diva: Jenny! I love you! Bring me kitties! no pride.

envy and sameness

first a little housekeeping: Diva is out of her natural mind with joy....she has TWO TWO kitties visiting for a few days. she stands by the blocked off hallway they escape down and whines so pathetically...she runs up the stairs to my studio to entreat me to please please make the kitties show themselves and play with her...then runs back down to see if it happened. such faith. i'm hoping this will keep her busy so i can get some stuff done in the studio. it's also an allergy test....if i don't sneeze and become miserable, then she gets a real live kitty of her own to hug and kiss and wear out. *** so lately i've been thinking (again) and marveling (again) about the people in my life that i hold dearest. and why. what is the common thread? why do they hang out with ME (?) all these wonderful, talented, incredible women that i know? and what makes them more "specialer" then acquaintances. part of it - envy. good envy. in a sense envy, but not total. and definitely not jealousy, which is from a hateful place. i envy this ones ability to do such-and-such, and that one's whatever. but the envy is actually the part of Me that i see in them....except maybe they've developed that talent or that quality or that whatever, and i've just let it be wistful in me. so it's Good Envy - it makes me want to be a better me. so part of it is recognizing Self in Others. the other part is that They compliment Me. and I compliment Them. so we each recognize ourSelves in each other....the part of them that reaches out to me, is the part i need. and vise versa. two people who are too much alike often come to loggerheads....competing rather than complimenting. i would never hang out with someone exactly like me. not that i don't like myself. but why go see a movie that's just a video playback of your own day? this whole thing is a lot harder to put on paper than i thought. my favorite people are those who challenge me to be the best me....even unintentionally. and i must do the same for them. it's not all one-sided and all about me. there is something of a chemistry that concocts itself when you meet someone, male or female, that is destined to be an Important Person in your life. and how very sweet and very grateful is that feeling. your spirit dances. your load lighter. your smiles broader. and it just knocks me out that i have been blessed with so many people, especially women, in my life that have been so incredible to dance along with. role models, teachers, friends, confidants, hangin' out pals....i am so grateful. i always say i am not the easiest person to be around from time to time....sometimes uber-enthusiastic, sometimes despairing, sometimes feeling like i'll never accomplish what i need to, sometimes certain that i am about to set the world on it's ear. oy. but what i am is honest, loyal to a fault, considerate, and also right there to give a hand up. i value my friends. value. there's a part in the Bible that talks about friends being more precious than gold. i concur. i wouldn't trade any one of you for money, or gold, or a winning lottery ticket. i would never lie to you or sell you out. i'd never steal your ideas. i will encourage you, even in your wildest sounding idea. for if it's your dream, than live it babe! i'll be right there with you if you need that. as soon as i get a sitter for Diva. speaking of Diva......i'm rambling and she's melting down. i'll try to collect a few thoughts and get back to you in a more coherent way. here's a question: what would you say to a dear friend that you felt was unsaid? L.