am feeling disconnected.  itchy and jumpy in my own skin.  finding myself wandering the house wondering what the heck i was planning to do with the screwdriver in my hand.  feeling like an addict who needs to see a man about a horse.  or some horse. after a day of great and good accomplishments and housework, inside and out, i find it's too early to go to bed, but too sad to stay up.  henry barks through the window at a passing dog.  i think about my neighbor - older than me by a few years - single since i've known her.  how does she do it?  what does she do with all her minutes and hours and days? i feel ashamed to complain about loneliness while i live in a great and beautiful home.  yet the darkness makes it's way through the windows to the inside at times.  the sadness draws the darkness in.  i need to wish better…i need to be more careful for what i wish for.  i wish for things and they come to me…and i'm never satisfied - always finding the flaw…perhaps the problem is me, yes?  perhaps i need to stop wishing and realize that i have all that a wish could bring.  and yet.  even Henry has his shadows in the window.  should i wish for a distraction?  and what of it - what if it should come? would i wish for time alone? i try looking outward and it's just too exhausting tonight.  perhaps tomorrow.  or the next day.  but not tonight. tonight i come here raw and without pretension or pretending.  life on my own can be crushing.  i will wish for a partner - for a close compatriot - not necessarily of the marriage type.  more like a person to share those moments with, when you want to say "Look!" but realize there's no one to say it to.  yes.  someone who won't tire of my sometimes endless chatter.  someone who will help me lift the tent on my Big ideas.  now that would be an excellent wish.

totally underestimated the sadness of an email that begins:

We have your signed divorce papers back from the Court.

to try to condense the past week into one post would be a disservice.  so here are a few random tidbits.  It was another Full Circle thing…i was assigned the same cabin that i stayed in the very first year i went to this art retreat.  there were connections and wine and rooms filled with laughter - one more laugh and the walls would have given way - nails unable to hold the 100+ year old boards in place.  the workshop i had hoped would crack open the dead shell of my creativity - did.  and skipping ahead, the instructor lives a stone's throw away from the very first woman i went to these woods to learn from all those years ago.  true story.
it is difficult to return to a place where there are expectations - whether they be ones put on you, or ones you don as a uniform when you are in situ.  when i first arrived, those many years ago, no one knew me and i knew no one.  they say the further from home you get, the more like yourself you become.  true story.  but as i returned to that spot year after year, and met up with those original new friends, i picked up where i left off - not allowing myself tender new growth, and expecting the same experience.  it took a few years away, to be able to return as my true new self…soft edges, tumbled smooth by the years transitions…my true new self - who knew no one, once again, and decided to chuck the uniform and be my deepest self.  yes.
i learned to listen a bit better - still hard for me to stop the chattering at times.
i learned to let people be.  just be.  and…
i learned that i do not need to like everyone, even if i know they are simply expressing their pain in the only way they know how.
i learned that there is no need to overshare…in watching a mirror of my former self, i cringed, but knew there was no way to stop that train once it left the station.  i want that woman to know that she was welcomed, simply by being there - that there was no need to try so hard, and besides - who cares if someone likes you?  the ones you connect with are the ones that you have most in common with.  they are your tribe. and you don't need to try.  there is no point.
i learned that i need to have women around me…great swirling groups of creativity and laughter and good food and all the scents and smells of the marketplace - BUT i need my own private space to rest in.  (this is meant for my continuing life NOT my roommate, who was wonderful and interesting and wildly talented).
i learned that a car breaking down on the way home can create a much needed 100-percent down day of rest and laundry and art at home.  that a hard landing can be something to be grateful for (well, i'll get back to you on the Full gratitude after i get the bill from the mechanic).
i learned that i need to write down some of the stuff that comes out of my mouth.

i had the very distinct honor and privilege of watching another brave woman start at my beginning, and leave the week and the woods with wings on her feet.

thank you for this week.  i have a date with Henry now, and he really is excited about going for a walk.
be well…be grateful…be yourself.

don't believe it!

Reports that I've abandoned this space are simply not true.  Well, actually, there haven't been any such reports, but I bet you suspected. Nope.  Just trying to find balance.  it's a tricky thing.  if you've ever tried to spin a ball on your finger, or a plate, or a few plates…that's what I'm talking about.  And it's all of my own doing, i know.  there are so many Things To Grab…too many opportunities to Not Pass Up…it's a harmonic convergence of sweet summer weather, and the freedom to choose.  and i've chosen it all.  so, something had to slip past me, and i'm afraid it was this blog.  but now, as the weather chills a bit, and the rainy days begin, and the leaves begin to find soft landing on the ground, now i feel myself begin to cocoon a bit…feeling slightly annoyed at a dinner party tonight, when normally i'd be celebrating the kinship around the table.  tonight i needed to melt a bit.  but there will be time for that later, and tomorrow.  having run all my errands today, i'll have tomorrow to do as i please, save for packing for my week in the woods.  Henry has more than plenty women to watch over him this week, and will likely be even more spoiled when i return.  i have my eye set on an artist grant, and am hoping it comes through.  details later.  Today i found a fantastic buffet/server…mahogany…and very similar to one i remember from growing up.  just some random thoughts.
this year, i have pushed myself to some very scary places in the name of adventure and comraderie…i've jumped over the abyss many times and always landed well…i've learned that there really is no such thing as a dragon - just a galoof with a lot of hot air…and no such thing as a Big Scary - only a bunch of little scaries standing on each others' shoulder under a giant coat…plink plink plink one at a time and they're gone.  but there is indeed such a thing as friends, deep in the heart and willing to swim with you and laugh hysterically with you and breathe well with you.  even in Ikea.  oh - and i learned that there is magic - yes!  and it may leave, but it always returns, because your magic is as much a part of you as brown eyes.  i have learned so much this year.  and i want to share it all.  and i will, but in bits.  but right now, i need to get dinner started for friends who will sit around my table and break bread and laugh and watch movies…share a cup with me tonight…as i raise my glass, i'll have you twinkling in my eye, and beating in my heart.  thank you.