hello?  Are you still there?  yes, i know you are…your notes and cards have sustained me.  now it's time to get the roar on, thanks to your hands holding me up.
Last weekend, i spent a day in the company of 150 women.  in the woods.  freezing our hind-portions nearly off.  and having A Blast. (literally, in some cases!)  It was a Women In Nature workshop day.  4 sessions, with over 50 classes to choose from.  all supplies, food, coffee, etc etc included. free. I learned how to clean a gun, the difference between shotguns, rifles, and 1000 other fun facts minutiae about the  two, plus handguns.  oh and gun safety.  I learned campfire cooking, and skeet shooting.  but my favorite was Map & Compass - Orienteering.  i don't know why, but it just ignited in me.  maybe because my path has been so confused lately :)  I stopped and bought a compass on the way home, and signed up for an upcoming orienteering event. The woman who taught it was amazing and funny, and time was up far too quickly.  it was a day spent in the moments, and that was a great time to catch my breath & bearings.  more on all the personal happenings later, but in this open forum, i will say simply that your prayers and good thoughts have mattered so so much.  I look around my almost-empty studio and get teary, but also feel like a great weight has been lifted from my feet.
my apologies for not updating here more often, but soon there will be a flood & torrent, so thank you for your patience till then!  and now - time to take my fuzzy 4-legged heart-stealer for an epic walk.

It has been a while since the women were gathered around my table...last night the conversation and laughter and wine flowed so freely and so vitally that we forgot we had gathered to watch a movie!  Today we moved like zombies through our day, but with a warm, sweet connection.

We are the night ocean filled
With glints of light. We are the space
Between the fish and the moon,
While we sit here together.
Rumi

The Motivated type

I found these in an Etsy shop a while back….

and am totally down with decorating with them!  I'm looking forward to hanging artwork - mine and others' - around my home.  yes - home.  

and maybe this in the kitchen...

am having a love affair with Teal/aqua/orange in a big way this past year.  to my surprise, Kim's guest bedroom is decorated in those colors.  such a gracious hostess, with flowers on the side table waiting for me!  I have some art-to-loan for her that I think she'll like…

today is day 2 of epic weather, so it's off to the trails with Henry.  Make your day special, friend.

you just never know.  you don't.  when a friend calls you asking for advice...you may be the 3rd or 4th or 8th person to hear the dilemma.  it's what we women do..."troubles talk", they call it in all the books.  Men call it hen parties.  we talk it out.  we hug it out.  we come to conclusions as best we can, and move on decisions as they need to be moved on.  and an inkling from this conversation may join up with a spark from that conversation, and become a full-on sparkle by the time it reaches the 4th conversation.  it's what we do, we women.  we mend, we take a piece of this and add it to a piece of that and make a whole cloth.  we patch the thin spots...the holes.  we take the old and make it usable again.  and we do it by talking...by learning from those we've gathered around us like a cloak.  those that haven't tired of the endless swirl until a conclusion is reached...those that have stood in the fulcrum before, or maybe are in the midst of their own swirling reality and are happy to step up/step out for a few minutes/hours/days, in order to perhaps learn from the women they are holding, or perhaps just to hold them.  I have a conclusion.  i have a set course.  at long last.  and i will share it with you as soon as the ink dries.  until then, please know that there has never been a person who appreciates you more than i do these past months...that i fully recognize how exhausting it must have been to be near my swirling heart, and how brave and steadfast you have been.  "thank you" - seems way too little. there needs to be a new word invented. how about "friend?"

today has been All About Henry day, for the most part.  First we walked in the 6-Legged 5K with quite a few hundred other dogs, plus 2 ladies from my Women's Group.  Henry was the very last dog to cross the finish line! in fact, the guy was boxing up the electronic timer clock as we were approaching.  hen conked out on the ride home, then got a 2nd wind, but i had Open Houses to attend, so he got to nap.  the afternoon was a good exercise in elimination.  i honestly don't know how some people can live like they do…nuff said.
Henry & I went back out for a long walk with his girl, then for a ride to check out some neighborhoods.
i am feeling a bit better knowing where to point my arrow, though there are still some hamsters in my head.  some interesting thoughts trying to take root, and i will say - "I AM good enough" to them.  moving towards having conversation besides my situation.  i am boring, in that regard.
time for a cool drink and to put my feet up…best birthday to Mikki, and a fantastic week to y'all!

i think what's kept me chasing the rabbit is that i was never raised or taught to know how to make good decisions…what goes into the process?  the pros, the cons, the nebulous maybes.  So when i'm faced with a Life Decision, i tend to weigh things out to the nth degree.  which makes me an excellent producer or Life Coach or organizer, but makes me feel overwhelmed in my own life.  yes, it's true - i can cut through the bull doodie in your situation…i can see with a laser light precision the black and the white.  and it may be that i need more definitives in my life right now…i need to know THIS or THAT will be the case before i can point my arrow toward the target i choose.  and meanwhile, stop trying to drive a car with no wheels.  figuratively speaking.
stand. rise.



https://youtu.be/aiK7I6kf3S0

Today, I am grateful for choices. And grateful for the luxury of complaints. And again realizing how damn lucky I am to be able to work in radio. All random & unrelated thoughts.  Realizing that most of the time, there is no perfect choice...just the best out of what's presented to you. And that's usually pretty darn good.
I am mostly grateful for you.

oddly, often this is where i come when i have no words…when i need my fingers tapping out letters to sort out thoughts that are unbearable or unspeakable, or when all i want to do is howl or slam a door…then slam it again and again…when i have become raw emotion with no thoughts or plans - just pure. raw. emotion.  and at the same time, feel strangely uncomfortable with the constant negative posts…but i can't be anything but honest with you.
as i sift through the overwhelming task of packing up my studio, then my house, then my life, i'm bombarded with sneak attacks and ambushed with gripping memories that just rip me apart- photos of my dearest Kita and Nikki - bits of fur, saved In Case, which of course came to pass…a photo album of my father and his sisters and brother - all of them gone now.  oh how i would love their advice right now…oh how badly i need them.  I have no one to turn to for advice between this decision or that one, and it keeps me spinning in circles…terrified to make the wrong decision, then feeling like there is no wrong decision, then knowing that i will screw it all up…back and forth and around again.  rinse/repeat.  this is unfamiliar territory…unfamiliar to be so deep for so long.  i'm past the point of not wanting to ask for help - i want the help, but have no one to ask.  yes, i have so many sweet souls to hold and lend willing smiles, and i am deeply grateful for that.  i need someone with a good solid background in reconfiguring a life…the nuts and bolts part…the where-to-live decisions, the how to live decisions.  And someone to sit and hold open a box while i stash away the remnants, marked with a sharpie, to be stored away….somewhere…till…whenever.  from time to time, a sob escapes, and though my soon-to-be ex husband hears it all, he sits and watches a sports show downstairs on a TV he wants to claim as his take away. it is all one big shame.

tomorrow is easter for some…a time of renewal.
for others, Passover -

Passover is the holy and joyous festival that commemorates Israel’s deliverance from bondage in Egypt. The Jews cried out to God in their oppression, and God sent Moses to deliver them.

I need a Moses.

it's times like these that i feel like a rubber band stretched almost past it's boundary.

I hope to have a more uplifting conversation next time…i'm tired of being the one who sucks the joy out of a moment, or at least feeling like that.  i just can't fake this, though. for now, the elephant grows larger. for now. my hope is that this mess will be of use to someone…that someone will feel less alone, less embarrassed by how their emotions have begun to lead them by the nose, and leak out at the most inopportune time…that someone will see that even the strong can be made weak, and that it's okay to be everything to everybody, but equally okay to take time to be nothing to no one also…that someone will see how a friend in need may continue to be a friend in need for a time, and even though it may become tiresome, you may be the only thread that tethers them to this earth.  but it will get better.  it just has to.