a running theme the past few weeks…re-empower yourself.

yes.  do it, and also - do it yourself.  DIY.  don't look outwardly for things you already posses within yourself…i look to certain touchstones for a nod or for a fill-up of things i feel i may lack.  but i have to realize that those things aren't lacking…i'm just choosing not to use them, i suppose…perhaps needing a heart to touch mine, who knows.  "no man is an island," and that is even more true for women, beng hardwired to gather.  In my neighborhood, we women gather.  i am the planner, most often.  we do simple things like movie night which involves chocolate, too much food and a movie.  last night we went out to see a movie - Tammy.  In the midst of the hilarity were some dead-on truths.  Tammy (played by Melissa McCarthy) had life barf all over her one day, and she took off with her grandmother (an alcoholic with multiple medical problems, but a great outlook on life).  one of the best lines of the movie was from her…she looked at Tammy and said "You've always complained about your shitty little life, but never done anything to change it…"  right between the eyes.  It's true.  i've gotten so used to just bitching about how life done me wrong ("life" usually being relationship) and leaving mySelf at the door.  Yes, it's true that a bad relationship, marriage, job, PTSD, etc, can beat a person down till they feel they have no choices and no reason to exist and have nothing to contribute so they should just stay put and be grateful for the shitty little existence that they have because it could be worse.  but it's a lie.  and it doesn't have to be Either/Or.  within the shitty little life, growth and change can begin, till the roots re-grow and strength returns and the bud opens into a full flower.  life does not have to stop because you are unhappy with it.  and even with all those things (especially PTSD, for me) it doesn't have to ride your back always…you can figure out how to occasionally grab the reins and ride the dragons back (i say "you" but we all know what i mean).  in fact, i dare say that life should begin when the shit starts flying, or becomes so deep that you can't move your feet.  especially then.  and use the shit to build a wind-proof house.  nothing like a little mud and hay to make a snug house.  i've spent hours wondering how this shit will translate into a beautiful life that i wanted to create.  then i planted a garden (a for real one) and it struck me that the seeds didn't sit underground wondering how they would get through all that manure covering them…they pushed through, hit the sunshine, took a drink and bloomed.  if they sat underground trying to puzzle it through, they'd rot.  and i have sat underground for too long…i have been immobilized by the things that haunt me and by the things that torment me.  and i may be way off base in this dissertation.  but i think i want to give it a go, just to see.  pick a direction, and go.  stop stopping.  and circling.  maybe continue to bitch and moan for a while, but for God's sake - move a little.  so after this epiphany, i got this in my mailbox this morning:

her giant

she called upon the different parts of herself for help. if she was going to make it, she needed to accept them all, unite them all and believe in them all. it was time for a huddle of tremendous proportions. it was the making of her giant.

—terri st. cloud, bone sigh arts

roar.