This morning, as I rolled out of bed a full 2 hours later than usual and 3 hours later than planned, and my puffy feet touched the floor and my ear began screaming in pain and various parts of my body reminded me that the weight gain Was Killing Them, this morning when all this happened - i stopped.  just sat for a minute, listening to the cardinal in the tree outside my balcony, and had an ah-ha! moment.  My body was manifesting what my spirit was trying to tell me.  Hellllooo!  Me - the one who feels every whisper of an intuition and call of Spirit, had fallen into single focus.  and what was that focus?  something I don't have but wanted.  it was a constant on my mind that i wanted this thing.  rather like Agnes, in her Need for a unicorn...


So I had to spend sometime pulling at the thread until the work unraveled back to the dropped stitch, and begin again.  I'm a firm believer in beginning again.  in asking for an apology or forgiveness - from others or from yourself - then just begin again.  don't sit in the ashes.  start beginning again. :)  And for me, I apologized to mySelf for getting far enough away from my centered tether that my body had begun to protest...that in desperation, ground control had radioed Major Tom to get back.  My days used to begin with quiet time at the table, a steamy mug of freshly ground coffee wafting at me.  I would have a pen and a journal ready, should any inspiration or "to do" item hit my brain.  (once it's on paper, it won't clang around in your brain distracting you).  I would watch the sun rise and listen as the world woke up.  By then, I would have a clear vision of how my day should look.  but lately, since the frustration of not being able to have this Thing has overridden my best Self and pulled my focus, well, out of focus.  Rather than meet the day in quiet gratitude, I rolled over and slept through it's awakening.  rather than being grateful for the opportunity to have the time and breath to watch the sky change from indigo to payne's grey to pinky dawn, i would pull the sheet up and start grumpy.  and not so much grumpy as fearful.  this Thing loomed larger every day, and took up more and more of my time as i focused on it, nudging out the sweetness that can be every day.  and although it is an important thing, I wasn't listening to the still, quiet, small voice within me...the feather-whisper of my spirit that was leading me, the Spirit that was saying Never Fear.  and Your Path Is Different From That.  and so we just stopped, my spirit & I.  Stopped and waited til I would shake myself awake and turn around and Begin Again.  and in stopping, became sedentary and lazy and the view never changed, so the things immediately in front of me became my focus, rather than the things i needed to do in order to accomplish the Bigger Things About to Come.  and they are big.  perhaps thats why i stopped, and my posts became whiney and not so edifying ... fear of accomplishing the task?  maybe a little side order of Do I Deserve This?  yes, i could continue to live a tiny life in my studio making art and wishing for things i don't have.  it would be a life.  but not the life that was given to me - not the life demanded of me.  not the life that would fulfill my soul and my purpose for being here on this earth.  and so, I apologize to you, dedicated friend, for reading through the mess that my posts had become and will start beginning, again.
wishing you a day of stepping out of the ash pile, wiping your feet and running toward your destiny.  may it run to meet you half way.  with chocolate and lemonade.