every evening i plan to sit and write an epic post about how my life is going (good) and how diva is doing (good) and how productivity is going in my studio (meh) but by the time i get home and walk the dog and make some dinner and get my school clothes ready for the next day, and maybe lunch ... it's time for bed.  and bedtime is earlier every day, it seems.  7pm, 8pm are sometimes feeling like midnight.  right now, i am getting tapped on by diva, the cat is swirling around my shoulders, i haven't eaten yet and husband just flew out of Chicago and will be home around 9.  past my bedtime.  but i should stay up to say welcome home.  i have SO MUCH news to share, and i promise to do that tomorrow.  Saturday latest.  don't hate me.

in my last post i promised to add some additional thoughts, and i never came back...too tired, and honestly - there is nothing left to say.  other than i am disappointed.  and a dozen or so women i know are disappointed.  women in their 40's & 50's want a gathering of substance.  we don't want to search our hearts or discover our journey or have to search for meals.  we want modern conveniences, even in a rustic setting.  we want to go someplace and have OUR needs met for a change, and hang with like-minded women.  take quality workshops.  eat good food.  and a bubble bath - UNINTERRUPTED - would frost the cupcake!  make it close to transportation, but away from hustle & bustle, unless it's NYC or Boston! and give me a choice of accommodations - whether i want a roomie or enjoy the luxury of a room all to myself.  that's what i want, and i'm certain i speak for many.  now - to the shower.  wishing you a day of knowing your mind.

i'm so so disappointed in what has become of a once-thriving art workshop scene...just a few years ago, the hardest thing was to pick one!  the offerings were coast-to-coast, with venues in the woods, on a beach, beside the ocean, in a huge canvas tent...any way you wanted it.  and the teachers and classes - ooo la la! so hard to pick.  the past few years, though, have seen organizers get lazy.  they seem to be riding on their reputation, or the rep that the event has gotten.  classes are thin, prices are higher, offerings are fewer.  some organizers have closed their camps after many many years.  Teesha Moore was the Organizer Extraordinaire - actually, i think the first to gather women and art and let the magic happen.  others came, and went.  and then the rage was all about online classes.  they were cheaper - no travel - and more convenient.  but it's the gathering together that creates the magic.  but - women are not going to throw down $1000-$1500 plus travel, PLUS supplies to just to gather.  more than anyone, we know the value of a dollar and how far it has to stretch and how we want a value for it.  so i would ask anyone out there who is thinking of planning a retreat for women - do it right.  put your soul into it, not just make it a semi-obvious money grab.  we women need to gather.  it's how we're wired.  that's all i have to say right now, but will be back on this topic later tonight after work.

did i mention - i work 2 blocks-ish away from my new studio?  yes.  true story.  there is a specific bathroom i can go in and look out the huge 4th floor windows and see the top floor of the building where my little slice is.  i got a quick visit in today, when i went to an opening at the gallery.  my favorite people in the world were there, too.  i have to say that i have been feeling the least creative ever.  aside from Rabbit Rabbit, not much has been produced there.  i have ideas and dreams, but get there and just want to put some music on and dream.  this weekend will be my time, though.  husband leaves for the west coast on sunday, and i plan a full day in the studio working on a little niggling idea.  there just isn't a lot of time after work - diva needs me!  but i'm not getting frustrated about it...just letting it flow and seeing where it will take me.  the cool thing is that one of the most special people in my life has a brand new office that practically shares a parking lot with my studio.  all attempts at a full night's sleep have been sabotaged by bulimia cat this past week, so i'm off to Z-Quil land tonight and tomorrow.  i've been a zombie at work, and that's not a great way to impress.
wil let you know the deets on studio time!

what i learned

so i guess it is still possible at this advanced age to learn something new.  and 3 things at that!  all in a day.  diva dog's near miss with the vet made me pull up, sit down and stop.  just stop.  do a check in with the swirl of debris surrounding me like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown.  see what needs to be filtered...see what needs to be held and looked at...see what needs a psychic shop vac to suck it away.  and here is the A#1 thing that I can share with you...actually the top 3...

#1...You will always find what you are looking for.  Look for the good, and you will find it.  Look for the bad, and you will find that.

#2...Always always trust yourself to make the best and most rightest decisions for yourself when it comes to the Self things.  no one else can do it for you.  do not be afraid.  and refuse to make those decisions for anyone else.

#3...The best words to hear are simply "I'm so sorry."  Period.  do not let someone else's time of need become your opportunity to tell your story.  and along those lines, don't ask what you can do.  just do it if you feel it.  (and chicken soup goes a long way.)

so that's it for now.  diva is being her old self...leaping for her leash, running the trails...as if to prove it was the best day of her life.  i know it's mine.

it is saturday morning.  and very very late last night, after my husband uttered the words "you don't have to do this, you know,"  after my swollen eyes had truly become mere slits and my face was stiff with tears that had dried and rewet my face between layers of puppy kisses...very much after that as i held my throbbing head with one hand and breathed in the scent of a paw holding my other...i decided again.  not caring that i just spent days wailing in print...feeling badly that i took a day off from my new job but not letting that factor into such a final decision...i re-decided that it was not the right timing for me or for diva.  she rallied somewhat remarkably yesterday - trotting along the trails and hopping up and down from her spot on the sofa like a champ...in general, acting in a way that would make me question the timing of such a decision.  and i know from experience that the questioning can haunt and haunt, and make a sad situation into a lingering & intolerable sleepless existence.  so, diva stays with me on this plane for now.  she isn't suffering any obvious pain...she is slower but we all are....she is suffering from Canine Cognitive Disorder, which is the doggie rendition of sundowning.  but I believe that is something we can work through.  whether it's for another day or week, month or year.  i will be grateful for even one more night with her.  and grateful to each of you for your warm hugs and kind words from close up and from afar.  now to hug my bug.

it's just so damn hard. and that is the truth of the matter.  i know this now even more deeply than i suspected i ever knew it before.  we walked this morning, diva and i.  we walked her favorite walk through the woods, and the echo echo tunnel, past the lake and the second pond and the monkey tree and the rhododendron potty place...past the house that was Snickerdoodles & then George's and now a big dog lives there, but we don't know her name.  she sniffed the air and paused at different spots, staring.  i doubled over with the pain of it all and howled as hard and as loud as if i was giving birth, not caring if the owls fled from their perches or the crows sat silent for once.  just hard sounds from my gut.  not caring about making the sounds that came from caring so deeply.  after a time, she would look back at me and we'd continue on.  home now, and upstairs, she paces and i continue silent sobbing tears.  stepdaughter called up the stairs to check if i needed a hug.  i cannot express how much i adore her.  she could never disappoint me.
for a person used to granting wishes, i have so so many of my own today....
i wish i wish i wish i wish i wish.....

1418

tissue alert.

1,418 posts since I began this little stream-of-consciousness letter to whomever stopped by.  wow.  many years.  many twists and turns.  much much growth and drama and stretches of boringness and philosophical thoughts and rants and rages and threats and sharing of heart friends and love-liness.  and waay back when, this little blog was started to pour out my heart after losing my best mandog ever, Kita.  i still miss him so.  and then Bear.  and on saturday, my diva will join them to romp the fields of Heaven.  i have to believe that vision, or it would just be impossible.  i'm taking tomorrow off from my new job.  yes, i know, just 4 days in.  but a job will always be there, and a puppy heart won't.  i wasn't much good today at work, with eyes swollen nearly shut.  as i left for the day, i knew there was just no way i would ever forgive myself for not spending the day with her.  not something a do-over would be possible on.  i called and left a garbled, soggy message and i know they'll understand.  if not, then they don't deserve me as an employee.  but i think they are good. and i hope my diva will understand.  she's been at grammies all week, and seems to be sliding some.  i owe her her final dignity for all the love and kisses and snuggles she's given me throughout the years.  many of you don't know that she started her life out as a bait dog.  when i got her, she weighed 7 lbs., had no hair and was all sorts of a mess. many surgeries and hugs later, she came to be the cranky, snappy dog you knew.  but she was all love to me.
so i will ask for your prayers Saturday morning, and that's really all i can bear to say now.

so this is how it will be

i guess a bi-monthly check-in is probably the best i'll be able to manage for a while...some swirling about going on...most good.  tomorrow, i start (another) new job, and am uber-hopeful that this will be The One for a while.  it's right down the street from my studio, and i could somewhat walk it during the day, if i had to.  like, if there were free donuts waiting at the end of the line.  but it's a super scary neighborhood after dusk, so there won't be much walking.  but it is just a 2 minute car ride, so i could pop over on lunch and nap or meditate or even paint if i wanted.  so the New Studio and New Job are good things.  i've already made some art in the space, although i'm really diggin the set-up portion of this adventure...interior design, new coffee maker, etc.  All stuff gifted! i want to keep it spare and uncluttered, as opposed to my home studio which has Special Items everywhere.  Today, i'll spend the afternoon down there, then probably won't make it back till next weekend.  and that may be a pass, too - i believe next weekend may be time for diva dog to go meet Kita across the Rainbow Bridge.  I have been putting it off for months.  she isn't sick, and not in any obvious pain other than her hips, but her dementia and failing eyesight/hearing have got to make her stressed.  every time i make up my mind to go, she rallies.  but she has been getting incrementally worse in the past few weeks.  a vet told me that "it's time when they require so much special care that it intrudes into your life."  at first i thought that was the least compassionate statement...intrudes into my life, indeed.  but then i realized what she meant.  animals are wired differently - any show of weakness makes them a target in the wild, and though our pets have been domesticated, they still have instincts imbedded.  and if i have to carry my pet up and down the stairs, and am kept up half the night with her pacing, and then sleep in a pretzel-twisted position in order to have my legs act as bumpers so she doesn't fall off the bed, well, maybe it has reached a point of being the kinder option.  she can't be enjoying herself too much when she is awake.  so it's been more my pre-grief that i've tried to come to terms with.  and i realized that i won't be able to, so it is time to do her the kindest kindness, to give her her dignity, and release her from her pain.  I know from my experience with Bear and with Kita that it will be a very very rough time.  although she has never been an easy dog - biting, growling, generally birth control - she has been my girl.  and she loves that pretty pink collar with jewels on it.  so i think i'll rub a little glitter into her coat before we go next week.  she will be at gramma's house this week, saying goodbye and having someone to watch out for her while i'm away at work.  as hard as it already is (i'm blubbering while i type now) i know i owe this to her for the companionship she's given me and the love she's given me.  and she'll take a million dried tears of mine with her, from years of crying into her coat.  and hopefully i've done okay by her.  and hopefully i will have the courage i need to send her on her way to play...