club diva

it's 90+ degrees out...hot...humid...only good for 1 thing...

looks refreshing!  feels refreshing!  well, at least for my feet...i bought diva a little pool today - she used to have one and loved it.  Kita hated the pool, on the other hand.  brothers & sisters can be so opposite.  anyway, diva is apparently too sexy for the splash, and refuses to go in. (it's an entire 4 inches of water)  so it's my feet, a split of Yellow Tail Shiraz, and a good book.  (had I been able to squeeze my ever-expanding pooter into my swimsuit, i might venture to the beach.  a dark beach.  maybe a beach in another city.  enough of that.  i still haven't smoked.  i apparently have eaten, however.)  and i have some of those new squeezey freeze-'em drink thingies in the freezer, so my neighbor will be joining my pool party soon, and we'll be slushin.  (i got dibs on the mudslides).
be cool, y'all

look ma - no cone!

it's true!  thanks to many prayers and a new vet, Diva is cone-free!  still a little grepse on the leg healing, but it's gone from all the other spots.  Now to clip the nails...
(Diva is very upset about this picture - she says it makes her look like a 3-legged sausage.)

I've been noodling around with some 9mm bullet casings, after being inspired by Lynn Suprock's shotgun shells.  I have a load of them to go to the gallery today...here's a wavy picture of one:

Old-time radio announcers used to say "it's number 1 with a bullet!" about songs that shot up through the charts to the top.  I call this necklace #1 in my heart, with a bullet.  oh maybe i will, who knows.  it is h-o-t today though, so i'm trying not to think about too much.  like sitting with my feet in the lake smoking a cigarette, and similar thoughts.  i have too much to do.  and the new Tyler Perry movie opens tonight & i want to see that. love Madea.  that's the kind of mom i would've been.  which makes kids everywhere happy that they aren't mine.
okay - off to shower, walk Diva, get to the gallery, and spin the hamster wheel that is my day.
i have exciting EXCITING news brewing!  If you haven't contacted me about submitting work for the art show, or haven't rsvp'd,  DO IT TODAY!!!! it's getting good, and you don't want to be left out!

post #2

sometimes i wish i was this masterful blogger, with thousands of followers who leave enormous numbers of comments and stand in line to meet her when she has a book signing or appears at the grocery store to get a quart of milk, some cat food, carpet cleaning foam, and Jolly Ranchers...that my words would reach up into the part of people's hearts that makes their throats go all tight, and tears fill their eyes, and they say "she knows me so well" and then they write another comment.  once in a while, i can pull off a post that comes from someplace inside me that feels good and true and alive, and simply must be acknowledged.
mostly, though, my posts are a chaotic rickety mess of a life, thrown up in the air after slipping on a wayward dog toy on the 4th stair from the bottom just before the sharp curve at the bottom as i race to the sink to get resin out of my hair before it dries into a PeeWee Herman-esque nightmare at about the same time the doorbell and phone ring, scaring the cat out from hiding and into my direct path, necessitating an aerial evasive move worthy of a P-51 Mustang in order to not squash the cat upon landing...
Please note the exits at the front of the plane, the rear of the plane and over the wings.

oh and by the way...

have i mentioned that's it's been 12 days and 6 hours since i had so much as a puff of a cigarette?  did i mention that?

really really invisible

yikes - someone linked me from their blog, and when i clicked...poof - it said blog deleted.  not sure what is going on with blogger these days.  it's like a bad child.  the good news today:  37 confirmed artists from all over the world are participating in the Ophelia's Place art show/fundraiser in November!  if you think you may want to submit some work for consideration, send me a comment! (don't attach images til I email you, though).
a beautiful breeze is calling me away from this desk and over to the lake, so bye for now!

a lot of thoughts about invisibility these days...being not-23 years old, and not 99 pounds brings about a certain amount of invisibility.  i didn't want to believe it, and certainly wouldn't discriminate against someone because they were young and slim, but I am seeing with my own eyes how women in particular seem to be discarded as they age.  i've been noticing this in my experience, and also as i go through my day.  as menopause changes a woman's body, and pounds seem to gather quickly, and priorities shift from clawing up the corporate ladder to quality of life, eyes and attention shifts away.  it's subtle sometimes, but it is there.  i waver between wanting to dress funky and gypsy style to express my spirit, to thinking "what the hell? don't be that creepy old lady!"  what is age appropriate?  does it follow the style in your heart, or is it more sensible?  something Stacey & Clinton would approve of.  I am at a point in my life where I have more freedom to make decisions and have some life lessons to back up the roads i head down, and can certainly offer my experience, but much like the responses i gave my parents, i risk hearing "that's not how we do it nowadays."  The world does belong to the young, and it's theirs to shape for their own future, but believe me, i'm not ready for a cane & wheelchair yet. and - i am living in the world that i worked to shape, so let's all share. on my 50th birthday, i realized that i was realistically past the mid-point of my life, and had better start doing the things i wanted to do...even given good health, it was not likely that i would live to 100, so time was the thing.  and i started going to plays and not waiting for movies to hit Netflix and going on vacations and making sure i told people that i loved them and that they were wonderful - things i used to put off, or things that would get lost in a cloud of busy-ness.  now - no.  i am living as fully as i can without sinking our financial boat.  and i'm not putting up with any crap.
it's interesting to see friends who are quite a bit younger, as they go through the phase of life where they are searching for their purpose and self-ness.  i want to tell them to chuck all the advice and oogly-googly rituals and such...just live.  you never really figure it out, and there comes a point where it's just too exhausting to keep trying anyway.  it seems that those journeys only make a person feel "less", anyway...less wonderful, less close to their ideal, less like their role model.  when all along, they were meant to just be themselves, and maybe add an idea or thought here and there from these "mentors."  and honestly, if you scrape away the front of most of the guides, there's a whole lotta chaos there, too.  which is fine, but you should know that jumping from A to B to C will not sink you into a permanent zen state of life.  and anyone who tells you that is lying.  plain and simple.  chaos and friction are the building blocks to the next step.  why would you leave a comfortable plateau to continue hiking, unless you heard wolves nearby?  and life is about growth...your own true-too-your-heart growth that feels real and fits comfortably.  and amazingly, when you realize that you were created perfectly for the purpose you were intended for, you suddenly come out of that funk of self-degredation and unworthiness, and realize that you have a job to do - it will come to you as you just live life.  stand up, join the party, and get on with it.
so that's the rambling of my thoughts this morning.  there is no one person to follow, other than yourself.  and honor those who have gone before you -  don't dismiss their knowledge, and don't disrespect their journey.  and know that everyone has an amazing story to tell, just ask them.

I remember we sat in the swing on the front porch & as the dusk came on us like a song, dark throated & sweet, he told me about the beginning when we had bones of light & hair that burned like the sun & I asked what happened then? & I felt him floating there in the soft dark & finally he said we forgot & I said I never would, but sometimes I do & I understand now why he put his arm around me & said nothing more.
from Brian Andreas, StoryPeople.
I'm coming back to earth after 5 days of museums in NYC...as slowly as i can...trying to remember each brushstroke...trying to reach the center balance where i'm not so overwhelmed with it all and can make my own conversations on canvas...so much, so incredibly much.

ramblings through my head lately...the definition of an artist. what does it take to be considered an artist? an award? mad sales? inclusion in a museum? gallery representation? but i know plenty who have picked up a brush that i call "artist" and swoon over their work - yet they have none of the above. there have been artists of note that have pshawed awards bestowed upon them, refusing to acknowledge or accept them, saying that it mattered not one bit what a museum or voting body of people thought. i tend to agree. i make art as my form of communication. i hope that those who see it are touched in some way - that a meaning or conversation of any sort begins between the art and the viewer. but i don't think that it makes me a more worthy artist because i sell work. i love that i can afford to then go buy more art supplies, but it doesn't change the brushstrokes on the canvas...i am not a better artist, or a worse artist, because my work is or isn't recognized by people in suits who go to A-list cocktail parties. and i guess that is what's been on my mind lately. don't denigrate yourself or your work because it's not hanging on an expensive wall. don't deny yourself the title of "artist" because you don't sell your work. if you feel that you are an artist - you are. only you know. and no one can take that from you. i had to practice saying it before i believed it - i'm saving you time here! it's way to hot to keep at this post, but a few tidbits...my new haircut and haircolor is fantastic...done at a salon called Miracle, of course. so now i can go about life and not have to think about it. time to go stand in from of the AC vent....be cool, y'all.

thanks for the love, NYC

it's official...i heart NY.  the city, that is.  mostly.  just home from 5 amazing days of total absorption in the museums of NYC.  i don't recommend 3 museums in 3 days.  the overload could potentially blast the top of your head off.  arrived saturday, and husband lost his work cellphone before we even got off the train (we parked in Mt. Vernon & trained in).This was good.  this is the 1st vacation in 11 years that hasn't had his attention split between being in the moment and being in work mode.  the intention of the trip was museums.  he was going along to keep my mother happy, as she was Absolutely Certain that i would be mugged, raped, left for dead in a gutter or Worse, perhaps sold into slavery The Minute I Arrived.  yes, i'm a grown woman, but let's let all that go for now.  back to arriving.  we unpacked, and wandered Times Square for a while til we decided where to eat.  can i say - i get goosebumps in Times Square...the lights and sounds are just too much.  There was just no way to capture it all, so i just absorbed.  on the way back to the hotel...Sephora!  a total face-full of makeup!  love what the makeup artist/salesclerk did, so i bought it.  sunday - MoMA.  oh.my.god.  i was choked up the entire time...the abstracts....groan.  the 4th & 5th floor - to die for.  in fact, had i died just then, i would take happy memories with me. i was a little annoyed that everyone seemed to be on their cell phones - i mean, come on.   oh - duh - then realized they were actually self-guided tour headphone things.  der.  we had lunch in the cafe overlooking the sculpture garden.  (have to try to make this:  cauliflower & blue cheese tart).  husband enjoyed other parts of the museum, thinking abstracts are putz.  sushi for dinner, and exhausted to bed.  monday was the Guggenheim.  could you just kill me now?? it was fabulous...i have a list of artists that i want to research more about.  my brother's friend curated the abstract exhibit, and i wore the "cell phone" headsets, so it was even more interesting...there was a connection of sorts.  (sorry for waking you up broseph). i thought my favorite artist was going to be Pollock, but it wasn't.  Although, having watched a documentary about him a few months ago really made it interesting to see the work, and which work was in which museum.  but in MoMA, i was brought to tears by Klimt's "The Gift," and Rauschenberg's technique.  there were a few other mixed media/abstracts that really had me at hello, and i'll talk about them in another post (one with pictures!).  we left there and wandered through Central Park to the Met, but it is closed on Monday.  husband was asking about cutting the vacation short by a day, but i stood firm.  i had waited too long for this, and it was too necessary for me.  we really didn't do too much besides eat & go to museums & camera shop at B&H - Disney for camera buffs.  (we went twice to make hubby happy!).  and that was the purpose - to recharge & refocus my art.  i've been dancing on the fringes of something new - something...next.  and needed a push or a jumpstart.  mission accomplished.  and through a mixup at husband's company, his new phone hasn't shipped yet, and they accidentally shut off his voice mail also, so he got to step completely away from work.  that hasn't happened in years.  so today is the great hair makeover, then to the studio for some intense work.  unless the hair comes out bad.  i'll post again later with some thoughts i have on becoming a "famous artist."  it looks like we got out of the city just in time - temps are cracking 90+ and that can't make for a happy subway ride.  it's that hot here, but i have air conditioning, and can ride all alone in my car if i want...not be pushed in with a thousand sweaty bodies.  stay cool y'all...meet you back here later!

post 2 or 3

just a moment

there are moments that sneak up on a person...moments so delicate and sweet you close your eyes to stop time and savor them, spun sugar threads and sparkles behind your eyes, tears threaten flood trails down your cheeks...just at the absoluteness of that particular moment...when your puppy sighs and leans in against you...when a combination of colors you see - in your head or with your eyes - reveals it's true breathtaking beauty...when the song of the mockingbird outside the window makes you turn off the iPod in favor of a natural soundtrack...your heart clutches with the gratitude of it all, the beauty that has been there all along, the QuietHeart-ness that is there to touch and feel and see, if you just take a single moment to let it wash over you...these moments are a gift...to be unwrapped respectfully and savored for as long as they are willing to stay, knowing that in mere seconds or minutes they will be gone. But they will change you...they will leave a piece of themselves within you as a touchstone back to the memory of that moment...

Once in a while you come across some artwork at a funky flea market for Very Cheap, and you just get a feeling that the artist will be big someday soon, so you buy the piece that's screaming your name anyway because you HAVE to own it to look at every day. but you also know that someday soon you'll be at a cocktail party going, "oh, well I have some of his early work." and you will realize that you love the piece just the same, but now kind of smile because you just knew it. Tommy Lincoln even has a famous artist type of name. and here's the piece i loved too much to leave behind: (i give up trying to fuss with this picture to make it go up & down, rather than side to side. turn your head sideways.)

splashing in paint...working on the 3rd piece in a series...bellydancing music on the iPod...windows open...diva snoring...kitty dangling from her last nerve at the chipmunks...life is good....

post #3

i have learned that i am not a person of moderation. i cannot spend a quick moment checking email or facebook or websites, etc. so - i have deactivated my facebook account AGAIN after spending an embarrassing amount of time glued to the screen today, and getting little done. if you need me, you know where to find me!

post #2 or 3....movin'

yes. you. can. i love that - "A Secret Universe"...isn't that exactly what it feels like to be in the flow? don't you just want to find this child inside yourself and "dance and dance and dance and paint for 24 hours?" she's there. inside. i promise.

ok. i live in an older-ish house - circa 1970's Brady Bunch-ish era. it's more of a Frank LLoyd Wright Arts & Crafts feel, but still Not Brand New. and it does not have a basement. which means we cannot put in central air. which means my studio is about to spontaneously combust because husband hurt his back just before putting my window air conditioner in. so to lug it up the stairs and hoist it into a window is not in the cards. and it is about 95 degrees out. of course diva needs to be near me at all times, and i've tried to discourage this, since i don't want her cooking to death at my feet here in the studio, but the wolf-howling is persistent. i am crabby right now, and want to paint. instead, i'll be re-coloring my hair, which is somewhat of an artistic endeavor. it's really too dark, and somehow a hint of red expressed itself all over my head. oy oy oy.

help!

i need some help, or rather, Diva does. the vets are basically guessing at what she may have, but despite many rounds of antibiotics, and creams and sprays and now a zinc supplement, the creeping crud remains on her. and is growing back. and is spreading. there's a somewhat graphic picture of it below, in case you happen to be a vet who's reading this, or know a vet that you can forward this to. 2 years ago-ish, she had a similar (but not the same) skin thing that was primarily in her ears and around her mouth. the head dermatologist at Cornell said it was a yeast/bacterial infection. diva's vet here thinks this may be the same, but it isn't responding to anything in a significant way. she had her leg shaved to get the moist scabbing off, and it seemed like it was clearing up, but now it's thick and cracked and caking up again. and it's on top of her head & on her neck & a hind leg now, too. there was a hard chunk under one eye that i finally got off her by holding a cold wet washcloth on it for a few nights to soften it up. now that area (after having healed) looks bloody almost, and is starting to get crusty. sorry - i know this is sort of gross, but i am as exhausted as diva with this whole thing. she is damn tired of wearing her buster collar, and i am nearly hyperventilating every time i think of how she must feel. plus, i'm a bit tired of the buster collar hitting me in the shins and back of the leg. so....help! now here's the picture, so don't look if you get queasy. it's the best i could do, since she gets absolutely Amish when the camera comes out, but the buster collar hid it till the deed was done. this is the side of her leg - from the front, it's even uglier. the fur gets almost pasty and stuck together, then forms a scabby thing. underneath, the skin looks bloody. around her head, the spots are dry & crumbly, and make an off-white hard scab-ish growth. so let me know if you have a clue what this may be - i appreciate any help, and so does Diva.

oh, and one last thing...

if the other 2 posts weren't enough.... dude.... or maybe... i do love me some drums....

water for my spirit

last night we went to see Dralion. from the first opening note and intense scream of color, tears sat in my eyes...my spirit was quenched.... today - try to express it all in paint....

Preview the show

Preview the show

post #2: why it's important to pick the right hair color

i come from a long line of cautious women. at least as far back as my great-grandmother, Mina, although she had stellar moments of bravery and kick-ass-edness that are legendary. however, the gene pool was weakened from that point on, or perhaps lives were more complicated than running a lumber yard old-school with horses and recently returned-from-the-war sons and brothers and no other men in sight for many a mile. perhaps, or not. but suffice it to say that i am adventurous, but very cautious. and yesterday, as i enjoyed a nice steamy shower with new bath scrub, the fire alarm went off in the hallway upstairs. i grabbed a towel and ran through the house, and then realized that it was the steam from the shower that triggered it - i had forgotten to turn on the fan in the bathroom, since i don't smoke anymore and only used the fan to evacuate ciggie smoke. but the bugger wouldn't shut off, so i had a cat on a 2nd story ledge freaking out, diva dropping a poo at my feet and i finally had to jump up and rip the screaming bastardly beeping plastic thing off the wall. it was still attached by wires, but it shut right up. honey badger don't care about safety. just zen. and mine was on the ledge with bulimia cat (now known as "fly whisperer.") fast forward to today. my roots are growing in as fast as corn at Hafner's farm, so i decided Today Would Be The Day to color my hair. i am cheap and do it at home, resulting in a many-flavored look, depending on which box attracted me...Brown Sugar? Acorn? Navaho? well, today it was some John Frieda foam stuff. and pretty much just after i had my hair slathered, the doorbell rang. and rang. and rangrang. crap - the mailman? i'm expecting a package, but why doesn't he just LEAVE it on the DOORSTEP like he always does - could be diamonds, could be a newspaper...he just leaves it. (it's never diamonds, fyi). then i hear the backdoor opening, and i wonder if i locked the inside door? i figured it was my stepson, come to kill me after yesterday's ongoing drama. i had to look. nope - Perfect Stepdaughter. working in the area and needed to charge her phone & use the potty. so after all that chaos, it was time for the rinse-and-condition-and-general weeping portion of this home haircoloring to save $100. but i was distracted by thoughts of hair failure and near death doorbell ringing, and just jumped in the shower. yes. it happened again with the beepbeepbeep, but this time, i knew what it was, probably, and let it go, not knowing that my neighbor (the volunteer fireman) was home today, and a smoke detector sound to a fireman is like waving a rabbit in front of a greyhound. so as I shampooed and conditioned, my only worry was if i had picked the right box of color. and it was a scary thought, shallow as that sounds, because we're going out on a date tonight, and i didn't want to have to hide under a hat of some sort. (we're going to see Dralion, and don't tell my husband how much i paid for the tickets. he believes the ad that says "tickets starting at $35." i think they meant "programs" starting at $35, because for $35 you aren't even seated in the building - i think they hand you a VHS of the show and move you through the "special door" to the left and out into the parking lot). but back to beepbeepbeep-fireman-cat on a ledge. meanwhile, most likely thankful for her deafness, diva awoke and stretched and came into the bathroom to see where i was. i started flapping a towel from inside the shower, in effort to dissipate the steam. the towel - the only one in the bathroom - got soaked with shower water and was useless. i climbed out of the shower and turned on the fan, hoping for the best. and as i paused a moment, heard at least 2 of my neighbors yelling my name through the open slider. i am wet & naked. and not at all certain of my haircolor. all i wanted was a haircoloring experience like on tv, with swings and sexy smiles, and only hairdressers knowing fo' sho'. this is not what i got. so when i say Be Careful To Pick The Right Haircolor, i know what i'm talking about. do not let the distraction of it all distract you from important things. like fans.

Don't Fit In!

Can you read it? from Rachel Awes..."It's this simple...you are not meant to fit in...you were born to stand out...be stunning...shining...free." well amen. and i love that she uses the dot-dot-dot as much as i do. i want this mug for everyone.

oh, and PS -

I am super excited about this! when husband & I hit the road to NYC in a week, i threw in a haircut for myself here. my hair has gotten sooo long (past my shoulder blades in the back) but i didn't know what to do with it or who to trust with it. so, yes, it makes sense to have a total stranger in a different city cut it, right? someone i know nothing about? that has no references to check? perfectly logical, right? well, i guess it's like overpaying for anything - you perceive it to be better. and i checked my particular stylist's gallery and there's nothing weird or wonky, but lots of normal stylish stuff. hopefully she doesn't weep when she sees my roots. So our plan is to see the Guggenheim, MoMA, the 9/11 Memorial, and then wander a bit. my haircut is the day we leave, so we'll just leave from there. i'm trying to talk husband into leaving here at dark o'clock, so we can have breakfast in a cafe there, but with the block party happening the day before, it isn't looking good. i have a lot to absorb in 4 days. if you know of anything non-touristy that i should not miss, let me know.

a new diva doc

diva has a new doctor, and we love him...he has 4 ambassador dogs roaming free in the clinic (which is huge). I noticed that when a dog in the waiting room started whining or shaking, one of the free-roamers would go over right away and lay quietly nearby, sort of letting them know everything was cool. I had pre-warned the doc that diva was a little snippy with men, and she wasn't at her best lately. but he got right down on the floor with her and checked her out - no muzzle, no fuss. i think the cone helped - she never saw him coming. he checked through a few companies to find out if any of them would compound some zinc and make it chicken flavor (bubble gum, tutti fruitti, and strawberry may be good for human diva's, but not so much for a 4-legged variety). after a few calls, he found one, so they are shipping it to him today. if this doesn't work, then a biopsy. this better work. as badly as i feel for my pup, i am exhausted. dizzy spells are not conducive to hauling a dog up & down the stairs. she wakes herself up with the cone crinkling, then feels obliged to wake me up. some days i operate on 3 hours sleep. so this afternoon, i took myself for a walk to rediscover what the world has been up to while i've been stuck inside. here's what i found: and this was from last week's Funky Flea Market... it was a peaceful, inhale exhale hour by the pond...2 families of geese paddling over to say hello...the sun just right...lilypads waiting for flowers to bloom...the 3 sister trees growing ever taller...my maple and oaks and evergreens towering above the house...the peonies' last hurrah, but the hostas showing off quite a bit. now to grill some chipotle lime salmon and roast some cauliflower...

me again

it's still a cold, rainy day. i'm still out of coffee, but think i may have a way around that. diva is still snoozing on the couch with her pretty blue buster collar (a/k/a party hat a/k/a cone of shame) on. she has been convinced she is special and beautiful when she wears it. no, i have not yet showered at 3:35pm. too risky, between the dizzies and the back strain. so i'm headed for bubbles, but i got engrossed in a stack of old BUST magazines i got at the Funky Flea Market on saturday. some of the websites have obviously folded, and it's funny how many porn sites pick up the old domains. here are some surviving links you may like: "Yarn Ho" tshirt www.knitty.com, tshirts 'n'art at Super Maggie, the largest selection of yarn in the east (well, as of 2005) is/was at Flying Fingers, photographer Loretta Lux, and, wow, why didn't i pay attention in music class?

another rainy day...am thinking my sinuses are causing me some pretty remarkable dizzy spells. not able to drive today, so no work. don't trust myself in the shower, so a bubble bath will be in order. diva has a vet appointment with a new doctor on wednesday. fingers crossed. am excited to get my blasted church t-shirt! waiting impatiently for the mail. wish the wine could be mailed too! not much else going on...a sluggardly day, made even more guilt-ridden when diva came inside with a fat slug attached to her coat. like that isn't the universe giving me the finger. well, i have to do something soon - we're out of coffee, and the thought of facing the day tomorrow without it....safe place safe place. hmmm - coffee delivery? husband is off to Buffalo in a few minutes, so he isn't on track for the grocery thing. grrr. shoulda done this earlier in the weekend. ok - go here and say happy birthday - even if you don't know her. thank you! (image is from Blasted Church website)

My great-grandmother sent us out to pick raspberries in her garden while she watched the first moon walk on TV. You'll have plenty of time to see things like that, she said, but those raspberries were carried overland by your great-great-grandfather. She was very wise. I see pictures of the moon walk all the time, but all I have left from him is the memory of those sun-warmed raspberries. ********************************************* sometimes it's hard to tell which is the more important choice...

today is....

rainy and cold...a good day for cozy cozy socks and sweatpants and sleeping in late with a snuggle dog and having a cup of spiced tea while listening to Mary Beth Shaw's webinar...today is a good day to be grateful I'm not in an office and can wear sweatpants all day and listen to music and finish up a good book...today is a good day to finish rearranging my studio and getting everything in it's place while listening for the next conversation my paints and gels and wood icing want to have with me...today is a good day to sneak out under the cover of the japanese maple and pick some peonies to scent the newly somewhat-organized studio...today is a good day for a steaming bowl of chicken-broccoli chowder...today is a good day to catch up on the details of blogs and be lazy and take a luxurious nap with my new pillow scented in lavender...today is a good day for all of that. today is a good day to realize how much time i spend on facebook, and deactivate my account for a while...