just back from 4 days in NYC ...have stories...need sleep...more tomorrow evening...love love love the Times Square buzz!

insert coin

it's an anniversary worth celebrating....PacMan's 30th anniversary! go here and click on "insert coin" in the search bar, and get ready to play! a little harder with my tiny arrow keys, but, ahhh, the memories! back before saving quarters meant laundry day, and all the obligations that rolled around in that tub...laundry day meant responsibilities which meant rent which meant Big Girl Job which meant, well, you get the picture. i remember standing in the Ground Round restaurant with Don, and Debbie and Bob, shoving quarters into that machine addictively. i was eventually engaged to Don, and then later to Bob, when the Don thing didn't work out. as was Debbie. oh stop that - it was a different time, people. so celebrating PacMan is a trip down memory lane - a road i currently need a GPS to even find, let alone travel. happy sunday y'all! wooka wooka wooka....

Sometimes.... you have to.... step back... in order to see... more clearly...

an afternoon of organizing, chatting Canadian with Joy, Eh? and movie watching...i recommend: Art & Copy. fabulous documentary, given my dream of owning an ad agency. or at least working in the creative dept of one. and the final line in the movie says it all: I believe art can change anything. do you?

how mysteriously the universe works...an emergency root canal today will keep me out of work...never have i been more grateful

sweet sunday

after much chaos and advil, i delivered my husband to the airport this morning. i knew it would be pointless to try to make any meaningful art, so i decided today was My Day. now - talk about the monkey mind...the possibilities were endless...lunch with a friend? paint the bedroom? on and on. i took the long way home and at the last minute, made a sharp turn into the hardware store. my budgetary downfall! tool shopping is the equivalent to some women's shoe shopping. or fabric shopping. i love tools. an hour later, i was feeling a little more relaxed. i headed home, and stopped at the bookstore on the way...my 2nd biggest downfall. yes, i have a magazine addiction. truly. i stocked up and grabbed a few novels for good measure. the sun is warm, and a cool breeze is keeping it just perfect in my backyard. today would be an Amish day. i grabbed a short stack of magazines, and brewed a pot of Tiger tea...the spicy aroma calming. i could feel some tension releasing. Diva laying at my side...kitten curled up by the slider inside (on diva's hidey bed behind the chair). a few resin pieces curing n the sun. i read Jo's intro in the Where Women Create magazine, and knew there was Something Important that would happen amongst my cedar trees and rhododendrons this afternoon...something that needed the peacefulness of my garden to be heard. i read and read. and came across more than a few artists that i have connections to. and thought...I have had enough. enough of my job. enough of soldiering through each day and week, only to try to cram in laundry and groceries and housework and time with my husband and time with Diva and- oh, yes - time with myself and with my art. there ARE enough hours in a day. it's how you spend them. and i realized that if i continued to spend them the way i have been, there would be nothing left. i have given all i can to my job, and it has given me a paycheck, for certain. but it has taken far more away. i dreamed of re-doing my studio, and making it the sacred space it should be. and then the most coincidental thing happened. i checked my email, and there was a note from a woman who had reached me through this blog. she had seen the article in Crescendoh, and contacted me...would i consider making a memory quilt for her from her husband's clothing? i had stopped doing memory quilts for a while, after a particularly sad one stole my sleep. although i had said No More, i would, on occasion, make one for a friend. Coincidentally, I had just cleaned off the sterling and resin and beads and gemstones from my worktable, preparing to (finally) finish a quilt for my angelfriend. i had begun feeling the urge to work in fabric and fiber again. the woman said that her husband had died many years ago, and she just couldn't bear to get rid of some of his shirts and ties. she had hidden them from her children, lest they donate them to Goodwill. i told her i would give it some thought and get back to her later today. another email...a request for the same. the memory of a father, held in soft cotton workshirts. now, 2 requests do not make a career. but i've somehow always known that it gives me deep satisfaction to design, construct and present these treasures...i am filled with deep gratitude and am humbled by the trust given me by strangers that i will respect and care for their precious last ties to their beloved. i have never looked at my memory quilts as a business...they are far more than i can express. i know that i am able to bear another's grief. i know that i am conscious of the care that must be taken with each article of clothing, or each picture presented. i am also aware of my boundaries physically and spiritually. and i have never regretted making a single one. i sometimes don't know the recipient ... a gift given from the heart from one to another. but mostly, there are conversations and memories shared over tea, through email, or the phone. once i've opened my spirit to begin to accept the honor of making these remembrances, there seems to be a steady stream of them that find their way to me. never too many at once. usually one after the other is mostly completed. i like to focus on one at a time, giving it the attention it deserves. it often takes a few months to complete one...embellishing it with Lodge pins or beads or bits of lace or pictures transferred to fabric. there is no set formula or design. i listen. i follow the direction it wants to go. and there is often surprise and wonder in the face of the recipient "How did you know...such and such?" I didn't. i just listened to what i was told to do. this may be how i spend my days to come. it is a gift to me. a perfect gift. how will the bills get paid? i don't know. but i have decided that it cannot be with my spirit. so i will once again open myself to the possibilities that art may just save me again.

my husband and i have very different traveling styles. i will pack weeks before a trip, then unpack and repack numerous times. i am usually ready hours before i need to be, and could probably read an entire book at the airport while waiting to board. he, on the other hand, will wake up (late) on the day of departure, discover everything he wants to bring is at the dry cleaners, or hiding somewhere in a closet shelf drawer no this shelf no damn it where is that oh look at this i need to read this article about trout fishing what's on tv now what was i doing where's my coffee play with the cat clean litterbox do dishes start laundry make a list of things for ME to do while he's gone where are my socks damn it i didn't pack casual shoes tease the dog honey where's my blue shirt damn it what time does my flight leave damn it i didn't print my ticket/itinerary/etc damn it the printer needs ink honey where's the ink i just bought (2 months ago) MEOW well stay the*bleep* out of my suitcase damn it honey where's ...well, you get the picture. we are now T-minus 5 minutes and i stopped counting till the time we need to leave if he is to catch his flight. his anxiety level is high. he is getting into the shower. now. he will no doubt be distracted by lint somewhere and begin looking for a lintbrush. he will attempt to make a list (verbal) of things i should do while he's gone, as if i'm not going to be working all week. and AND he's decided today is the day he will quit tobacco products. as if. so he will be in full dervish by the time we hit the airport exit and i will be exhausted in a flop sweat. my mouth will grow rigid from holding back words i long to say (scream). but i know this is how he rolls. every time. and if he does not make his flight, then i know that there will eventually be another one. and it is not my issue. so right now, i will breathe. and crack my neck and open the trunk of the car. and take some excedrin. the birds are singing. the sun is slanting through the trees. i am making a hummingbird for a very special girl. i am alive and i am grateful. nope. not working. okay...rinse and repeat. my complimentbot : you look so hot it almost hurts

inspiration needed, you say? go here and follow the links....you. will. groan.

crack monkey

a few posts ago, i told you about this....sorry - call me shallow or whatever, but i start each morning clicking refresh like a crack monkey in a lab...I could never spend enough time with you...that color really brings out your eyes...Makes me blush like a prom date. i'm still humble though. Another bonfire on the cul-de-sac last night...i found these gi-normous marshmallows that are vanilla & strawberry flavored. despite my No Sugar rule, i had to try one. yummy, addicting, and totally sickening. the kids loved them! that much sweet, sticky goodness in one sitting is just waaay over the top for me. a friend of one of our neighbors stopped over. a very interesting guy. he was just finishing his training for JetBlue on 9/11. he was across the water from the event, and saw it unfold. he said Jetblue management grabbed them and handed them credit cards, with the task to find and help any/all people they could. he immediately booked the entire hotel where they were, began ordering baby supplies and hygiene items and all manner of basics. then went out to find & help people. now that is a corporate philosophy/response i can dig. he continued on, and it seems he was at, or just left the area of, many other disaster scenes. i moved slightly away from him. but vowed to fly jetblue whenever possible. well, off to Dr Eva. this is Diva's first ride in my new car...i'm hoping her little nails don't go through the seat. have a beautiful day!

paying it backward

i love doing this... a year ago, i was given a starbucks gift card. every morning, i'd stop on my way to work and go through the drive-through. one day, i got an idea...i presented my gift card at the window, and told the cashier i wanted to pay for the car behind me. she started laughing and screamed "I love this! one day we had it going for 2 hours! every car would then pay for the car behind them." so once a week (near payday!) i'd pay it backward. the starbucks near my job closed, so i started it up at dunkin donuts. what a cool thing! i get the Good Deed buzz from paying, the car behind me gets a buzz from being gifted, and maybe the chain continues! the challenge is to drive off and sneak into traffic before the recipient can catch up. have a lovely weekend!

Last summer, I had the incredible good fortune to find myself sitting by a crackling warm fieldstone fireplace, in a rustic 3-sided room with 60 or so of my new best friends. we munched popcorn and watched the documentary "Who Does She Think She Is?" and then listened to the words of an incredible woman. Jenny Doh. I've never seen her not smiling. she radiates grace, and peacefulness, and maybe just a twinkle of mischief. and she has created a universe, Crescendoh. and today, I'm am grateful and thrilled to have a few of my words and images included. scroll way down to the bottom. to be included in such incredible company is humbling. art creates such a family...such a sisterhood...and, as Jenny says - art saves. as i alluded to in my brief statement there, art saved me from the chaos of first my father, then my husband dying. years apart, but my gyroscope lost center equally (and differently) in each event. the constant: art. I am an artist because i have to be...the images and constructions fill my head and demand to be brought to life. but i am also an artist because it is what saves me. it is my release valve after a stressful day...it is a meditative act that calms and centers and renews. in 1982, i became paralyzed...woke up with a sore elbow and shoulder. 4 hours later, i was paralyzed. for 3 years. time spent working harder than i thought i was able in physical therapy. a family of physical therapists diagnosed my condition and they worked to restore my limp body and devastated spirit. i recall weekends spent in the Adirondacks at their private summer home...tentative to go near the water lest i go under with useless arms and legs refusing to pull me to the surface. it was in those days that i met Penny... and although i haven't seen her in many years, she remains my role model. but back to art. i believe there is no distinction between "art" and "craft," and wish the discussion would end. i believe that each of us has the expression of art within us...whether it manifests as cooking, painting, creating a home, or relationships...they are each creative endeavors and come from the same place in the spirit. i believe that if you grow that spark of a child within you to a warm campfire and again to a blazing bonfire, then greatness can happen. and i believe that each of us has greatness within us. it just needs to be given the time during a busy life to burst out. that's my philosophy on it all. grab a crayon and hit the walls!

oy - 2 posts in a day...trying to keep fingers warm, i guess! i am in such a good place right now, i just wanted to ooze a little gratitude. as i counted my blessings this morning while my monkey brain was settling in for some meditative time, such a sweet smiling feeling melted over me. i have a warm house (now!)... my art feeds my spirit as my spirit feeds my art...i have a golden shawl of true soulfriends that never cease to inspire, captivate, make me laugh, hold my head up, hold my heart up, kick me in the butt (when needed), and just generally be some of the coolest women on this planet! and they, in turn, allow me to hold their hearts when needed, and inspire them, and make them laugh, and kick their butts, as well. when they say friendship is a two-way street - it's true...there is no feeling as heartwarming as knowing you have a place in someone's heart, and their life. reaching out for a hand shows the other person you trust them at your most vulnerable time. because we're all big strong women and need no help, right? *smile* there was a year in my life that i moved, or helped someone else move, 5 times. in a year. packing soup to nuts. and by the 5th time (my personal 2nd move), i can tell you, the Big Strong Woman was melting in the 90-degree heat and the no-show help..just me and my roommate. so we did the best we could, which in the case of 2 not-quite-right, very exhausted people included putting our hair in ponytails on top of our heads (think Pebbles & Bam Bam), sitting in the front yard with the garden hose down the front our shirts and singing Dancing Queen for all our worth. with belated apologies to Abba, it was just the trick. and when the transvestite 2 doors down heard the commotion, he called some friends and we had the best dressed moving crew in the history of UHaul. and some relieved neighbors that the furniture was going INTO the truck, not coming OUT. but we reached out, in our own way...made some new friends...got the stuff on the truck and headed down I81 to our new homes in the same town...me, my friend, and a few unloading volunteers. what a sight. shoot I'm rambling. i guess the main points are this: Life is Good here and now...open your heart and your hand and don't be afraid...when help comes, if it's wearing taupe taffeta and pearls and Brut by Faberge, pour a Corona and let the fun begin.

Happy mother's day! no matter if you're a mom to a 2-legged or a 4-legged. i am grateful that my mom & I have been able to thrash through our nasties and have established a relationship. it isn't necessarily textbook perfect/healthy, but there it is. we have reversed roles to an extent, and we have each accepted our part of the equation. so it's our little thing. yesterday's community-wide garage sale was interesting. this was the first time in 8 years that the weather didn't play nice - with cold rain and 40mph winds. i snagged some UberCool elements for some assemblage pieces, as well as some crib bumpers and flannel blankies for the baby ducklettes and birdlettes cages. now y'all know i don't drink, right? so bearing this in mind, i had a teeny tiny little glass of wine, maybe even just a toodle more at the friday night neighborhood bonfire. but not more than that. all i can say is saturday was not my favorite day for intestinal harmony. following the garage sale-ing and after much napping and water, though, i felt a surge of normalcy. i say surge but i think it was more like a glimmer, but it was equilibrium in a pathetic sense. so i turned my attention to Macy's, and to procuring a blacklight. (2 separate hunting lists). Macy's. wow. i haven't shopped for clothes in way too long, and was so tired of the black pants/brown pants odd/even day trade. and it's spring (although there is snow falling outside my window. yes snow. i can't even talk about it right now). all those fresh inspiring colors...lettuce-y greens, corals, pinks, buttery yellows. and i bought them all. sorry. my fashionista has been cooped up way too long, and although my sense of style was nowhere to be found, i figured if i wore colors that made me smile, then that would compensate for any faux pas i may be rocking. still looking for pants that fit, but that may be less the fault of designers and more the blame of Doritos. i am at peace with my butt. and double chin. and whatever other melting, sagging, enlarging areas of my body make those pencil thin pants and cropped tops look not-so-much on me. this body has been kind enough to carry me through whatever adventure the mind has thought up for us...the least i can do is be grateful to it and respect it and honor it. and i did just that at Macy's. there was a lot of respect. 2 bags full of honor and gratitude. and since husband was wandering the mall, there was no hiding it. we have moved into a really cool groove...spurred on by trips to the family counselor, all 4 adults in this extended family are claiming back their authority and their adult-ness, and it really has made a huge difference. we are all heads of our respective households, and there will no longer be children in charge. and that knowledge has given the non-bio adults the breathing space they need. to know that the triangle is no longer there sporting a child at the top of the food chain is very liberating and empowering. and it feels good to know that you will be respected and backed up, rather than made the fall guy. it is a theoretical thing right now, but soon enough will get some actual playing time. i don't feel as though i have to start slinging bricks and mortar up around my heart in anticipation of a coming storm. i am praying that everyone else can stay strong and keep to the plan. if not, then i explore options, but i have a strong sense that a new era has dawned. and it's about time!

whew! big thunder last night...which means diva danced across me most of the night...until she remembered her Safe Place - the tub. she howled from there til i woke up and put a towel down inside for her. then ... silence and sleep. some pretty good opportunities are peeking around the corner at me...too soon to tell what may take hold, but i have a peaceful, calm assurance that all is as it should be. and that, my friends, is a very good feeling. have a happy thursday y'all!

i want to take a moment to thank all of the creative, strong, wonderful women in my life. and honestly, when i stop to think about it, i have truly been blessed by you...it's like a brilliant shawl wrapped around my shoulders, your friendship is...and i want you to know how deeply and truly i appreciate you...because as you know, our conversations are often on-the-fly, only-have-a-second, verbal vomit and too-da-loo. i want weeks to spend talking, laughing, crying, getting over it, and doing whatever we want. no - months. but in my scattered way, i try to show each of you how much i appreciate you and am grateful for your friendship. that is my morning thought today. it makes the sun shine in my heart. xoxL

testing testing

okay - no more Hindi titles!

ओह यू

ok i left the title in whatever language it seems to prefer...anyone? Buehler?? having a bad hair day? maybe a jeans-a-little-tight day? or maybe just An Average Day. go here and i Promise you'll smile. In other news, i may have quit my job accidentally today. i spent all weekend getting over Friday's meltdown, and went to work today filled with gratitude for a job, such as it is. and despite a hard perusal of the classifieds yesterday. there was actually a job listed at my company that sounded interesting, though i suspect it would be half the salary. but maybe, i daydreamed, i could leverage an extra vacation week out of it. after call #1, all that went down the toidy. i stood before my manager and declared I Can't Do This Anymore and told her there was another job within the company that i was interested in, so she wouldn't get blindsided by rumor and innuendo. she was kind in suggesting that she knew of another, more appropriate, opportunity that was hush hush and said that i should bring my resume in tomorrow and she would put it in the director's hands. it just seemed to move so fast. i mean i felt like they breathed a sigh of relief "thank God she's going!" like they've been waiting like christmas for this moment. and i may have mentioned that to her. but in a round-about way, like, "you know it's my secret fear that i tell my husband i'm leaving, and he's already packed my stuff and had it waiting in a closet." something like that. then i went back to my phone. but suddenly realized how i had been believing the lie that the fear had been telling me...that i HAD to stay there and that there'd NEVER be another single opportunity for employment Anywhere ever never in the world. but suddenly the pea soup cleared just enough to see that i wasn't bound to my desk and that Something Could Change and it wouldn't be some big hairy deal. so, now i have 2 maybe possibilities. you know, that is - if IF i can get my resume to come off the damn disk that pierre made for me as my old computer breathed it's last digital gasp. remember that? my resume is stuck in there. in that disk thing, and my new computer does not have Word, as i had a snit when i found out the new computer only came with a trial version of it. i said HA! no way. i'll use Open Office like the IT guy said. and i have used it with much glee and for free, except tonight at a critical juncture in my horoscopical and jobwise-ical life Tonight i can't get it to download. and i can't hand the director a disk thingie with all other manner of personal items god knows what on it. although we have discovered that a manager has a very frightening and disturbing nasty boy website. how do we know? he uses his real name. so anything i may have on the disk that won't open would be far more polite. i'm not freaking out just yet, but will leave you so i can further cajole this to spit out the resume. and perhaps make a trip to pierre's house, wherever that may be, and hold his grasshopper pie ice cream hostage till he fixes what he has wrought. and anyone have any thoughts on why my titles keep changing themselves into some non-english characters? i hope it's nothing bad, or worse - a signal to some Very Bad People. ok - disk disk disk

SWEET SATURDAY spending time with some furry lovechildren... the fragrance of basil wafting through my window... some new brilliance in my garden... visiting my art - for the last time in this gallery...thank you Delavan, for all that you've given me... momma and her new chicksies... all in all...a big Ahhhhhhh

so...my apologies for the recent stew of woe-is-me posts...actually not so much woe-is-me, as there's no pity party here...just not as bright and shiny as hoped. yes, it is true that my job is just driving me to the edge, However...today i will grab my camera, hit the woods, be grateful for all i have, and use some pretty spanky tricks i learned in Susan Tuttle's workshop to present you with the Good and Twinkly portions of my life that i've not given equal time to. i feel better already. monday be damned! now - off to shower and hit the trail. thank you BHW for your beams!