on shopping

hello. my name is Linda. and i'm a shopaholic. a recovering shopaholic. or maybe just a very busy shopaholic who hasn't had time to get to the crappy little mall down the road from where i live, and don't feel like getting mugged in the spanky shiny mall a little further away. and i refuse to get sucked into the vortex of the christmas commotion of Holiday Shopping. however, we got bored with negotiating detente between the kids and the cat & dog and various in-laws and outlaws and people i've never recalled meeting who seemed to know me, and *gasp* went to the mall on saturday (of all days - worse than friday because all the poor bastards like me that had to work friday were there also). i was like a crackhead in a crack shop. i had these credit cards, see, and all this shiny glittery new new new stuff was all neatly folded in color-coded rows like sweaters were red orange yellow green blue violet and black...like they KNEW that would do it to me, and i almost said One Of Each just so i could put them on my shelf that way and just LOOK at them all nicey nice never wear them just look at them and pet them. but. i. resisted. even though despite possibly because they were on sale 40-percent off and i knew just KNEW they'd be 60-percent off soon. god help me. so i sweat and gulped and scrunched up my eyes so it was all a blur of color but nothing distinct jumping out at me clawing at my purse and shrieking BUY ME with the face of Silent Scream but louder begging please take me to a forever home i will make you instantly and foreverly more happy and fulfilled...shoes handbags italian leather (large inhale ahhh) just a yoga breath of what what is that??? i must have it. and i bought. a. little.candle. yes. that's it. i had to have a bag of Something in my hand. and i love this candle. i am completely enthralled by the scent of this candle. i don't ever want it to burn away and be gone, but i have to light it to enjoy it. drats. i will have to buy another one. as a spare. and maybe the room spray too. just in case. but i just bought the candle. and took those 12 steps up the stairs to my studio and lit the little candle of no color and much scent. and thought there's a lot to be said for agoraphobia around now. and reflected on the frenzy that has become holiday tradition...where bad tempers and mannerlessness abound...all in the name of a baby who became a saviour. sweaters and candles and credit card bills. makes my head spin. Happy peaceful holiday y'all. L.

what an incredibly quiet and peacefully centering time. the holidays are usually a time of migraines and chest pains and aggravation for me, but this year i gave myself permission to...do nothing. 2 dinners that day, and i ...did nothing. i didn't have to cook or coordinate or clean up. just arrive and eat. and it was wonderful. it was the first time i've seen my brother's apt - it's in a former dairy creamery that's been re-created into artist's apartments/spaces. the vibe is awesome. so my first dinner was there. and it was a great way to set the tone for what is typically a high strung month. let me say this: i LOVE buying/making/giving gifts. LOVE it! the problem is, i usually can't hold onto a secret, so i usually end up sending/giving the gift weeks early and demanding the receiver open open OPEN please. i prefer to think of this as connecting with my inner child. but meanwhile, i'm trying to pace myself. i'm reading The Elegance Of The Hedgehog. and knitting. and working on some secret projects. i hope to have some pictures of Honor to post soon. (Hey Mrs. Top Banana...email me...i don't have it.) sorry - i keep forgetting to tell Mary. oh - and on that same note, check out her husband's Havana Banana Bread.... betcha can't eat just one! L.

HEY Y'ALL!!!!! I CAN KNIT!! LOVIN' IT! Got some spanky accessories and bamboo needles and counter thingies and round rubber thingies ... all i can say is Lock Up Your Sheep! L.

this weekend should have been illegal, it was so wonderful! undisturbed OT at home followed by grocery shopping for dinner with brother and plans for a cook-a-thon...then the actual dinner followed by art-making and to bed. (note: brother left after dinner, in case you were having thoughts). this morning i got up early and made a tub o' chili, a tub o' escarole, cannelli bean & sausage soup, another tub o' savory squash soup, and bolognese sauce over spaghetti squash noodles. i must be channeling Martha Stewart, cause lovelies I DO NOT COOK. AND and i am leaving now to go to my 1st knitting class. FTLOG. what's going on here? maybe i'm preggers. (great loud rolling laughter here). anyway, my only problem is that i ran out of freezer space for all these soups & stews and things. good problem to have. actually not even a problem at all. forget i said anything. just look away. ok i'm going now. knit one, purl two, sons of bitc

WHOO HOO!

i have the house all to myself! i have the house all to myself! (neener neener dance here). the hillbilly husband has gone off into the woods with men who fancy themselves cowboys or pioneers or some sort of burly man ice road trucker-styled man's men. i pretend he went on a business trip, as i am the queen of denial, and only once did he dare to bring the product of his trip home. many large things took flight through the garage and into the driveway. soon, he understood. i think it was the frying pan that was the final straw. although i hate hate hate it that he goes "huntin' with the boys," i have come to look forward to this season as a time for weekends to myself. and diva, of course. we just finished part 1 of diva spa night, which began with a puppy massage, but soon became a tick removal disaster. part deux will continue tomorrow. at the vet. word: the trick with the olive oil? doesn't work so well. she now smells like a dipping sauce for bread and the tick has younger looking skin. the cat stared at us both, no doubt remembering monkeys at the zoo grooming each other. this is so unfair to the diva. especially since i gave up, put some stinky flea & tick schmutz on her neck, then called the vet ER who said to wash it off and bring her in to her regular vet in the morning. i now feel like i'm creepy crawling with bugs. i am not, for the record. but what a damn bad piece of luck for someone with a germ phobia who has a weekend to herself. so - hold your sides and prepare to gasp in laughter. i am taking a knitting class this weekend. it is true. i plan to bring chocolate and zanax to the instructor, just to get things going on the right foot. i have tried, y'all, tried to learn this skill so very many times. the last time, husband's grandmother and grandmother's sister each sat on a side of me and instructed. but one was a lefty, so i kept getting mixed signals and each one became more frustrated that i wasn't doing it right and that i was listening to the other one. then they agreed that i was hopeless and would Never Be Able To Knit. who could learn under that stress?? so i have hired a complete stranger...an unsuspecting person of skill...to teach me. i hope she isn't home thinking la-la-la i will teach this person the wonders of wool while sugarplums dance and great tea is steeping and twinkle stars are dancing about us. it will be much more like giving birth, i fear. giving birth in the reality tv way - not the 1950's sitcom way where one minute lucy's all large with child, and the next BAM! there's little ricky. no i believe this will be more with the bodily fluids and much screaming and gnashing of teeth. but, as my 2009 mantra suggests DESPITE this, i will knit. and speaking of annual mantra words...it's time to strat thinking of one. this year's "despite" proved to be spot on. maybe i should choose "lottery win" for next year. if i win i'll call you. ship to shore. i used to fantasize about what i'd do if i won. now i know for sure. i'd do it all. my "despite" was joined mid-year by "expand" thanks to the Rock Fairy. and that has proven itself a worthy word also. by the way...her birds are dee-lish! i ordered a flock and have a crow-like one dangling from the ceiling over my desk at work. soon to be joined by Dreamweaver, when the boss goes on vacation. they were going to paint the SWAT office (as i renamed it) and we were asked what color we wanted. i made everyone agree to say "clear." i was quite cranky and bossy this week. in a fun way. so now they can't paint until we come up with a "real" color. we've submit: heliotrope, quin nickel azo gold, phthalo green shade...some real, some makebelieve colors. none found at Home Despot. we like our clubhouse just the way it is. and BONUS...the new new building won't be ready till at least June, so my normal-ish hours will stay till then, due to the begging-for-a-homicide remoteness of the current old new office building we're in now. well my friends, i'm off to a second try at the tick rodeo. poor diva. she was lookingforward to a bubble bath and some pink bindi on her forehead. now this. g'night...L

i think (hold your breath) that i may have finally Finally gotten my doctor to listen to me. today was an extended visit with many vials of blood and xrays left behind to be studied by people who know about those things. in 5 days, results...or more tests. i did make it very clear that i do not intend to spend my life in a fog of painkillers, nor will i accept a quality of life that has limited quality. and it was crystal clear to my doctor that either she was on board with this, or i would need copies of my records in a doggie bag to go. right then. and she decided that she was on board. and so off we sail together through the next few months, i suspect. i am not an easy patient...i question everything, i do not take prescribed medicines if i don't think the taking of them will do much more than make me feel like i'm doing Something. i will research and talk and dig and discover on my own, and bring those thoughts to the exam room table. i do not think that doctors are gods (or goddesses), rather i believe they are trained and overworked by a medical insurance system that pays them $35 a vist on a good day, under a good plan. i know they pay millions out in insurance to protect themselves against malpractice lawsuits. i know that they have dollar figures in billables to meet monthly or they are booted from a practice, much like lawyers. i don't care. i demand their best. i demand that they put aside all that crud and focus on me, the patient, just like they went to an expensive school for a very long time to do. i am not a billable. i am a person. and in return, i will not bitch that i sat in a germy waiting room for 45 minutes past my appointment time (unpaid from work) because i know my visit will make your day even further off schedule. and i don't care, honestly. it isn't my system to fix. i am just a patient...just a person who needs that knowledge you bought and paid for. and thankfully, or maybe fearfully, she rose to the occasion. hopefully in 5 days, we will have answers that will send me on my way and you will be able to book a two-fer slot again where my appointment once stood. till then...i am here, i am determined, and i respect you. i chose you. thank you, doc, for coming along. L.

sleep well, Lake

and we did...a photo date with husband to say goodnight to my Lake, although she doesn't really sleep...winter brings some of her rowdiest months....but it's harder to get there with all the snow. so we enjoyed this: and this: and while i sipped a steamy chai, saw this: and went here: and here: and took a last look at: a fabulous day filled with autumn smells and warm sun on my back and quiet, centered contentment.

a strange theme running in my life lately...body awareness. coming off the heels of the CORE show, where we all schmata'd up mannequin torsos, then dunked into a wearable art competition involving size, and returning to yoga. my yoga instructor emailed me about a local center that she teaches at called Ophelia's Place. Although eating disorders are not one of the running neurosis in my life, there was a time when i was skating and was not able to keep weight on...in high school i weighed 89 lbs. I know - look at me now. clearly i have overcome that obstacle to health! but watch this video ...replace the idea that it's produced for a "disordered eating" support network with your own fill-in-the-blank. or just enjoy the great music. i plan to contact them to see if i can be of any artistic service. (are you there Nebraska?) just watching and wondering where the journey will take me next. hey, with $700 worth of new tires on my car....anywhere! tomorrow, a photo trip with husband to my Lake, to tuck her in for the winter. hopefully pictures tomorrow! L. oh - and PS: from my brother... for anyone who's loved a Muppet or hated themself click here

so i've been spending a lot of time recently behind this screen, and also spending time noticing how much time i've been spending here. (the sick days don't count). and i honestly could spend even more time getting sucked into the vortex of a black hole of never-ending interesting places on the web and cool blogs and new stuff and on & on. and honestly, my little dog is ready to pack a knapsack, sling it over her little shoulder on a stick and run away from home. maybe head to NYC or LA to make her fortune in dog food commercials. or become Cesar's new bitch. so before that happens, i think it's time to put the parental controls on and make some limits. and make some art, dammit! so i'm going to try this...this withdrawl-like moderation thing. i just need to get perspective on this. like a bad child and a sack of halloween candy. there are so many incredible people that i know, and absolutely would love to kidnap every one of you and drag you to a wonderful house with a roaring fireplace and hot cocoa spiked with something good and have a yearlong pajama party. (this wouldn't be my house, however, as it isn't all that clean, and my dog would bite you. but A house). and i feel connected to you by keeping up with your blogs. but, i have been naughty in my domestic and motherly chores, so i am taking stringent measures. as a trial. just for a week. this whole thing sounds ridiculous but honestly...i need to focus more on my art projects in progress and it's easier to say "oh i'll just la-dee-dah over here for a minute hour day" then get down to business with the pop rivet gun. so if you email me and don't get an immediate response, that's why. i think we'll both be fine. and if you see a little white dog going down the street with a pink knapsack, know that i've failed, and please send her home. (but don't try to pet her, as she bites). L.

i had never heard of Neville Trickett, or the Miracle of Saint Verde till I noodled around a few blogs this morning while trying to decide what to wear...bathrobe, or business clothes. bathrobe won out. but for sure, i want to move here, and just live in the garden & store. and calling it a garden & a store just doesn't seem right..it is nature reflected ...it is about artists taking in nature...no that's too trite. it's about nature teaching atisans, in her gentle patient way...and how being quiet and being guided gently and thoughtfully can produce the most amazing results. click, enjoy, become absorbed. L.

very excited about.....

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/nook/index.asp

bonus!

a bonus day....cowboy'd myself to work today, and they closed our department...sent us all home because we were all sick, and kept getting well, then getting each other sick again. so we were granted a day of rest. and it's 70-degrees out! unheard of! and i will travel...just got Netflix "1000 places to see before you die" ...see you at the beach! off to the couch...more soon. L.

ok - i'm up....and ready for bed. i got a call from a woman i met (amazingly) through my mother. all i heard about for months before i met her was "debbie this and debbie that." i joked that mom loved her better...that she was mom's favorite daughter. and it seemed like everything i did - yup - debbie did. i kayak. oh - debbie has 2 kayaks. and a jeep. and fill-in-the-blank. so i finally met debbie - on mom's birthday. she's wonderful, of course. and we do share a lot of interests. and she called tonight to ask if i would be a teammate with her in a wearable art competition...she would provide the sewing knowledge and i would provide the creativity. i don't do well in team type things...i'm not real good at the part where you have to sometimes put your brilliant (to you) idea aside and let the other person's be realized. which explains my marriage. anyway, i told her i'd assist but would not be a teammate. and we agreed on that. she added that she hesitated asking me because of what i "went through on the mannequin project." and i had to laugh. finally. having just been able to verbalize what "i went through," i was able to deal with it. what was "it?" the project brought to the surface every fear and insecurity i ever had lurking inside me about my artistic talent, my authenticity as an artist, my right to claim the title of artist, and a bunch of other useful emotions...things i thought i'd left by the wayside many years ago. add into the mix that i started my piece over no less than 3 times, with each rendition reinforcing the fact that i was not All That And A Bag Of Chips, well, you had a recipe for self uncertainty that would shake a WWE wrestler. by the time i left for Squam, the only way out that i could see, was to drop out of the whole show. and i left my home with the intention that i would tell swirly that i was Out...would not be in the show. so i avoided her for that week, still not wanting to drop out, but not willing to face the demons. but also knowing that it was a gift - and that it was now, or later. so i punched my way through. for weeks before that, i couldn't even look at the mannequin...covered her with a sheet finally, just so i could walk into my studio and not have to see her mocking me with headless eyes. finally, when the clock was ticking down to 1 option (overnight air shipping), i went to work. i blasted the demons, i listened to music louder than the voices telling me i was a shame, i got up early and worked through exhaustion. i called in sick, and worked again. and harder and longer and with more sweet spirit than i'd felt towards her in some time. or myself for that matter. and i finished. and in the finishing learned quite a lot about myself, and my style of work, and working, and felt big inside. and happy. really really happy. and i sent her across the country, wrapped in miles of bubblewrap (sorry Anne) and piles of packaging. and was proud of myself. and of her. because we symbolize one another. she will stand in the same room with 19 others, all crafted by artists that i have come to admire enormously. she will stand for me, as i once again, in my soul, claim my square-footage as Artist. and i feel different now, having made it through to the other side of this epiphany...i feel older & wiser. stronger. more unshakable in my "self-ness." I Am An Artist. still. all thanks to some molded plastic, and an amazing woman named Anne Carmack. L.

spending the day on the couch with the grim reaper...fever, closed eyes, chills, legs aching...i think it was the octo tentacle i ate by accident last night in my bento...diva is smooshed next to me protecting and keeping the chills at bay. despite this, i am feeling so wonderful inside my mind...peace, centered, grace-filled. i went into B&N yesterday to pick up a magazine, and realized how many friends and aquaintences were featured on those pages...on those shelves! i am truly blessed to know so many wonderful people! Lisa Bebi is one, and her spread in Somerset Studios is something i plan to try as soon as i can get off the couch...bye for now....i totally promise to post a REAL conversation very soon! L.

TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!! 822 Wall St. 2nd Flr, Downtown LA...6-10pm...let me know what you think! but i can guess...you'll be tripping over yourselves thanking me for the info... At our CORE, buried deep within the foundation of who we have come to know ourselves to be, we find our truth, our spirit and our art. Our intuition hangs honest & heavy, resting in the bellies of the bodies we were blessed with. Our spine holds our heads up high, keeps our courage close and allows us to stand up tall for all the good things we believe in. Our spirit & our light - the very force of our life - sparks somewhere softly in the middle of who we are, reaching out toward one another with longing, forever hoping to be heard. ******************************************************************************** sorry for the spotty posts...my bodyclock is trying to synch with the wall clock, and all i can think about is sleep...except at 4am! so i've been getting up at 4am, working on some really inspired art pieces, then going to work. sounds good till about 2pm when i would just commit crimes of undisclosed natures just to have a nap. so i come home and go to bed by 7pm-ish. so...once again today i was up at 4am, but will now be napping. save my place - i have a week's worth o' good stuff for ya!

chasing center

we base our outlook, our reactions, our dealings with others on what we feel to be True...that certainty in our gut, our spirit, our core make-up that This is my starting point and I will base opinions and actions from This point. What happens if you find that point to be ...ummm, not so much false, but not what you thought? i use an analogy of religion: what if that really great group of worshippers you joined, the ones who "got" you and accepted you, what if they invited you to a foreign land for a KoolAid party? suddenly, you realize everything you thought you knew - was false. or at least everything you had given your heart over to... your time and effort over to...was not as it first appeared. or maybe it was, but it would've hurt too much to see it as it really was. and imagination took over a bit, blurring the edges a little, creating a new reality that was acceptable by your younger mind. but sooner or later, cats get bored in bags, and they come out to play. and at a point when, hopefully, you are more able to face the truth of the situation, there it is. as it always was. naked before you. or maybe you were long past due to address it, and life just got tired of watching you run the same hamster wheel and shoved it in front of you on a chilly, damp evening with a needlepoint bag of memorabilia from 32 years and 1 month ago, all spread out on a beautiful new bedspread. maybe sometimes things like that happen so you can, in a lightening flash of epiphany, see that you have set people up to fail in their relationship with you. all based on what you perceived, and blurred the edges on, and held to your heart like a haughty trophy. then what? if you're lucky - a cosmic do-over. i hit pause and rewind.