glimmer

did you ever get a glimmer of a twinkle of a Big Thought and tried to stay as still as possible...not even breathe...till the Thought felt comfortable enough to settle in and you could really take a good look at it? kind of a hummingbird thought. you look out of your periferal vision and hope the dog odesn't bark so you can really see it. i'm thinking a thought like that....it's okay - it's settled in. yes my recent days have been mismanaged by hormonal surges/purges and nicotine withdrawl. yes, i have avoided the mirror, as the bloat associated with the quit-smoking drug has made me feel much like the blueberry girl from Willie Wonka. then suddenly this quiet Sunday, i pictured myself looking in the mirror. the image looking back was a young girl about 6 years old. she had a tear in her eye. it was like - why can't you see the pretty parts of me. indeed. so in that flash of recognition, i realized that i have no more right to begrudge myself the same considerations that i would give another person. i need to tally the good inside myself with as sharp a pencil as i do others. rather than facing a fault-lined image, trace back to the good, the solid, the conident of not so long ago. i know these feelings will pass, but the going-through time is so not-me that it throws everything out of kilter. so now...a quick nap with stinky skunk-dog, and then some Art! L.

Guardian of My Heart

It occured to me that it's been waay too long since i gave any proof that i actually do make art from time to time......L.

ripples

funny how actions cause Re-actions. here i am laying on the couch all green-faced and barfy feeling from my chantix (yes, this new side effect has pretty much wiped out my enjoyment of coffee. my last addiction **sob**) anyway, laying on the couch yada yada , and stepson, youngblood, the Hated One these days, says he is proud of me for quitting smoking. i'll give you a minute to let that sink in. he Actually Noticed something that had nothing to do with him. hunh...what's he want? then decides he himself will quit his newly revealed chewing tobacco habit on monday when he goes back to school. hopefully it own't be replaced by cocaine. husband says he wishes HE could quit, and was thinking about it. so meddler on the roof that i am, i said Hey! Why don't you guys both quit as a challenge? now these two are so highly competitive it is a sickening display of testosterone at times. and they don't even realize it. 2 peas in a pod. i don't think youngblood even realizes where he got the idea to stuff a wad of loose tobacco into his face from. hmmm. dad, maybe? you know just what i needed, by the way....empty soda bottles laying around with spitoon stuff in it. no wonder i feel all sickity. i have many stories but they make me gag, so i won't foist them on you. i am about halfway through "Ordinary Sparkling Moments" by Christine Mason Miller. oohhh. so very precious. it's one of those books that you don't want to finish ever. you run your hand over the cover, and find a special spot on your special bookcase for. go to her website and order now. well the countdown to Squam can be started i suppose....although i've pretty much wished my summer away in anticipation. should i come back after? that's the question. mom will be watching Diva for me while i'm gone, so no worries there (i hope). we'll see what manner of calamity september will throw at me and decide from there.i am just craving a NYC trip. and a new mexico trip. and a sedona trip. and alaska. but mostly NYC right now. so maybe i'll do a little touring. time to lay down. L.

teeter totter

you know, i'm not big on outer appearances...i usually don't notice a person's size, unless there's something real ugly about their inners that makes me stop and look at their outters. which is why i am so bedeviled by the fact that i have been bedeviled by my appearance lately. maybe it's the whole period-for-a-month thing or the not smoking thing. or both. together. at the same exact time. thank you very much but not really. i don't know. i do know that when i look in the mirror, i see my mother. my mother's outters, not inners. triple chin, batwing arms, stomach all distended. where did my size 4 go? why do i care??? that's the part, right there....why do i care? i mean, i DO care about hygeine and looking neat and of course, smelling good. i don't intentionally dress like a bag lady like someone i know who wants you to know that she's so immersed in her work that she just threw any old thing on ....could have been a dress, could have been the cat....whichever didn't get away fast enough. but what bothers me is that IT BOTHERS ME. i feel totally unattractive. i'm certain my husband is having an affair. and i've practically thrown the neighbor at him. (she's not interested either). the lying mirror makes me look smaller than i am. and AND... it bothers me that it bothers me. today, i was having a consultation with a (new) hairdresser. one who plays with your hair and asks you questions before she starts chopping and hacking and makes sure that YOU know what YOU were saying before she says ok let's roll. so she asked me a seemingly simple question : "how would YOU like your hair." i had no clue. 30 pounds lighter? 20 years younger? oh - hair. hmmmm. no idea. which made me start re-thinking all over again.....i mean, i just got a haircut....why was i there?? why am i not happy with my outters? is it my inners? is it those lying hormones working their evil against my good sense and intentions? yes i think that's 75% of it. i know better not to look in mirrors when i have PMS...it's been so long that i forgot. but the rest....i think August is having it's last gasp with me. my month of change, traditionally. this year, i quit smoking, started walking, and stopped pretending that things that AREN'T okay were okay. attitudes projected around me. words spoken around me. rather than get all bunched up inside myself and feeling hate, i sent out love. and told those projecting words and attitudes that those things were not okay with me and please be nice or leave. or that i was real tired of everything being a government conspiracy or the fault of The Powers That Be and perhaps a little life-living would distract them from their doom/gloom predictions. we'll all be happy to say "you told us so" should those gnarly moments prove correct, but let's not sit on life's porch waiting for them to make their way up that long dusty driveway, eh? so my inners are shifting. which makes it easier for my overdrive monkey-mind to turn tail and r-u-n. it didn't get far - just my outters. well, since the left brain has reasonably pointed out that my caloric intake has been reduced, as well as my new walking regimen being in full effect, it should be mathmatically impossible to be gaining as much as my impaired right brain is telling the rest of my body in secret whispers. so perhaps i should have spent more time posting about all the glorious and wonderful things there are to behold in my wondrous life, rather than wasting your time talking about feeling bloated. so here...i'll make it up to you...go here: www.christinemasonmiller.com order this life-changing, life-enhancing book. cuddle into it. love it. have a snack. L.

a nancy kerrigan day

remember the famous quote...."WWWWHHHHHYYYYY? WHY????" sums it up the past few days. i have scrubbed every inch of dog and carpet to within moments of their demise. i have sworn to all humanity that if i EVER catch that self-same skunk, i will give it The Eye and never not EVER will it do this to ANY thing Again ever. end of story. well, not the Actual story...just stinky cat's. Diva is still slightly ripe, and has a strange little chunk of fur missing from the top of her fuzzy little keppie. my neighbor says it looks like a Nike swoop. don't stare if you see her - she gets embarrassed. yes, she moved while i was shaving the stink off her. yes, i used my husband's razor...the beard trimmer thingie. youngblood borrowed the actual dog clippers. i think we told him they were hair clippers at some point. thankfully i don't own anything electric that someone else can borrow and misuse. except my toothbrush....heyyyyy. naw. so the Rug Doctor Redux event was followed today by the Gyno Doctor event. yes. i Still STILL have my period. which disappeared last february if you remember correctly, or have just heard my revolving rant lately. WHY WHY WHY i ask myself, and now my dr? i asked her to perform a spontanious hysterectomy today and she declined. i threatened to go home and do it myself using a hemostat from my doll-making supplies, a pizza cutter, and soldering iron. she got a good laugh out of that, then glimpsed the look in my eye that said maybe....maybe not...feeling lucky? so we agreed that she would prescribe this "designer motrin" type thing that not only relieves pain, but slows down the flow. then, we wait and watch. i have a biopsy scheduled for late september and that will factor into everything as well. it would have been so easy to just be a man. so i reminded husband about his comment that if i quit smoking, and he quit child-support that i'd be able to quit my job. i say "remind" because he claims to have forgotten. hah. so his question was "why would you WANT to quit your job?? and do WHAT?? to do NOTHING?" oy is he ever lucky to be alive. i said "No dear...i want to spend all day every day making sure your whites are whiter and colors brighter and making pot roast and veggies and mashed potatos from scratch." i mean, really now...Nothing? hmmm. oh yeah - i could play art. silly man. i must change the subject Right Now. so depending on what room of my house you stand in, it's either a lavender/vanilla scent, sweet water (whatever THAT is), or mango. none of these scents actually match what you'd expect. except the lavender which smells suspiciously like mothballs & grandma's hankie. i am just so excited about squam! i even bought new jammies. i returned my new workout wear & traded for them. The clerk asked Reason For Return, and i told him I'd outgrown spandex, apparently. when he asked if i'd like to try another size (a woman would never ask that) i cried a bit and declined. another random thing....my neighbor's daughter met YES MET and had a picture taken with TY Pennington. yes that ty. the ty i wanted for my birthday 2 years ago, only to get pots and pans. i wanted him for my birthday again this year, but the surprise party really did trump it. so i want him for easter now. or passover. you pick. but the point is...there he was. and she had a camera. and he looks just like he does. another random thing....i found 2 koi. like, the fish koi. and i need a home for them. they aren't happy where they are. i'm hoping gail will take them, as she is familiar with their needs, due to having a koi pond in her perfect yard. her yard is perfect, too. it's like a magazine. i can't go there or i won't want to leave. that perfect. perfect in a wonderful way...not in a fussy don't-step-on-the-grass way. so enough random things. it's 20:08 according to my computer ....1 last thing to irritate me but i won't acknowledge that it's military time, even though i changed it. hah. so sleep well tonight, and dream good dreams to do good things. then make them happen. L.

yawn

1am Diva: (tap tap tap) mom? can we go out? mom? i have to go out. Me: gricklearggey Diva: mom? can we GO OUT? Me: do you have to go peepee yagelskaarrumffsnore Diva: (quietly) not really. (tap tap)maybe. up out of bed and down the stairs. open door. diva launches through the doorway. uh oh. PPPPFFFFTTTT! full face stinky cat juice. Diva: MOOOOMMMMMMM! help! where are you?? Mom! i can't see anything. the kitty was bad. 3am, as the sprayer nozzler thingie comes exploding off the end of the faucet thingie and still stinky water splashes all over my bathrobe which has since been put in trash... Diva: i'm done now. i want to go to bed. me: you still STINK. everything STINKS. everything will always STINK from now untill everything SHEDS. tomorrow when you are dry, we will shave you. i swear sinead, if you EVER and i mean EVER even think about doing that again, you can bathe your own Stinky self. at grandma's. note to those wondering: 1)human vomit does not cut the smell, even when applied accidentally, and 2)yes, V8 juice will stain a white dog. oh and yes - i do indeed plan to shave my diva dog today. having dealt with previous incidents (though i must say more TIMELY incidents) i know that The Smell will never ever leave. just when you think it's gone...BAM! wet fur brings it out again. does our story end there? of course not. this is ME we're talking about. 3 hours THREE HOURS later, i shove wet stinky dog into her kennel and crawl into bed. she is NOT going to get on the bed with me. husband snores. missed the whole thing. 30 mins later i snore too. until diva starts screaming like a banshee. now WHAT?? husband just woke up and smelled skunk. asks "did she get skunked?" it's 3 or 4 fricking A.M. and he needs the light on in the room and has to open kennel & extract dog to ask THAT? "what do you think?" i reply in my most surly voice. he decides she was whining because she has to go out & pee. i cry, and pray to gods known and unknown. for the next 2 hours, i am woken up every 30-40 minutes with SOMETHING...one of them can't sleep, one of them scratching their woobie to make a nest...on & on. alarm goes off and i realize my BRAND NEW pj's smell like stink. my hair MY HAIR has an unmistakeable odor, which means my pillow does. MY PILLOW. my husband snores. downstairs no coffee set up, but the smell is absolutely remarkable in it's ability to stay concentrated. i hate the skunk. i admire it. but i hate it. and now i have to go to work. with stink hair. and stink clothes. and stink attitude. and sleepy stink eyes. oh cosmic waitress, CHECK PLEASE! L.

the love that launched it all

so, 2 years ago today I said goodbye to my 4-legged love, and launched this blog. i still miss him...such a special creature. From time to time, i see a glimpse of him in DivaDog, as she patiently holds my hand down and licks it till she falls asleep...her human binkie. So much has happened, and so much has Not happened in the past 2 years...i've learned so much about myself, about my journey, my path. i've learned to be content with some things, and others - strive to get past, reach further, expect more. and for the most part, i've listened to my heart and intuition and done pretty good. this being August, though, anything can still happen! smoking, for instance. Still not smoking, but really wanting to for the past few days. still with the period thing. STILL. unusual even for me. someone needs to write a book about menopause...what to expect, etc. i'll suggest it to my doctor. the past two weeks i've been so tired all i want to do is sleep...taking thursday off and doing exactly that all day. all day. my usual "art at 5am, nap at 9am, art till noon or 2, nap till 3 or 4" routine has been hijacked by the thought of my cozy pillow. i've had to shut my bedroom door so i don't even SEE the bed, or else i'm prone to be prone. is it the Chantix? the period? both? neither? who knows. i DO know i'd love to be back there now. SO. in 2 weeks 2 weeks! i'll be headed to Squam! i am uber-excited (in my tired way)! okay - calling all bets - NO i have NOT begun to pack yet. maybe this week. stepgirl was dropped off for her first go-round at college. i wasn't able to go with everyone, due to the annual company conference at the casino (won $40). i texted her yesterday though and she LOVES it. wonder what form of trouble she's been in already that she LOVES it? anyway, she's far enough away that she can't pop in like her brother seems wont to do, although this year he'll be returning sans vehicle. yes, it is in fact a punishment, but to tell the truth, i'm not certain his car HAS one more trip left in it. but all the same, we'll be confiscating the garage door openers so we can finally change the code and be able to actually secure the house & go on vacation! of course, not to be outdone, his mom had cameras installed around her property, as well as changing all access codes. and she can go for a Live Look on-line. that seemed excessive, but i have to admit, the steel cage dropping from the entryway idea i had may have seemed a little over the top to some. well, my bunnydog is up...blinking the sandman from her eyes. her fur is still needing a quick shake and she's all sleep-warm and goofy. time to go out. L.

day 4

i've been doing just fine on the not smoking thing. actually, hadn't noticed i wasn't. till tonight, a bit. they say that the hardest time for a woman to try to quit smoking is that 1 time a month when her hormones are raging like bull. well, since i haven't had that particular worry since february, i figured i was home free. not so fast. last night, out of the blue...you guessed it. of course. so very "me." well, it seems like the ultimate test is before me. at this moment, i honestly could just pick up where i left off, and the 4 days be damned. after spending a day on the end of a phone filled with furious people, and now THIS, i probably could backslide. but i won't. i've come too far to go through this all over again with the pills etc. i have a million excuses for either side of the argument, but have made sure enough people know about my triumph so i don't want to un-disappoint. it's not that people aren't cheering and well-wishing. it's just that, for a smoker to see another smoker trying to quit....it makes them feel like they'll be the last man standing (standing outside...in the winter....to smoke). so although they wish you well, it's sort of a strange relief when you re-join them. but...i have too much at stake. the chance to leave my Big Girl job is way too compelling of an oppty! so i'll go sleep this one off. RIGHT NOW! hey - go to Swirly's website and order her book! you will not will not be disappointed. Linda

deep breath

yes...i can indeed take a deep breath! day 2 of absolutely no cigarettes. i don't really even think about it. certainly don't miss the stink stank stunk. i have a beautiful image that a re-direct my thoughts to whenever those sneaky ciggies try to creep in. i had a dream the other night, and every so often an image of a cigarette would appear out of the blue, like paid placement by a set director in a movie. i'd stand there and scold the cigarette like a bad child and tell it to go away. and it would! so now i'll put away $6.50 a day in a savings account. just a quick update for you...have to run...have a boatload of soldering to do. L.

the coming autumn

it's only august, yet the air has taken on a different stillness...a somber expectation...the swallowtails dart throughout bloom's leftovers seeking sustenance before their migratory marathon...my garden irises - once as midnight and silky as an exquisite secret, now withered, their heads bob in the occasional breeze...squirrels nervously fill their larders, cheeks full, freshly picked apples carried like prizes in their teeth, chancing the path in front of a fluffy dog in order to hide their bounty...school buses a yellow-orange unwelcome sign of the closing curtain of summer too quickly....the sun no longer tarries across the sky and shadows come much too soon...pumpkins replace peonies at the farm stand and crisp ears of butter sweet corn are joined by their showier cousins of orange and red and green...soon the fragrance of pansies will be overshadowed by woodsmoke...the hum and buzz of lawn mowers gone -replaced by leaf blowers and then the inevitable snowblower. the days each hold their own passings...their own beginnings...each brings a fresh perspective and mood...scent and remembrance. soon will come autumn. L.

breaking up is hard to do

Dear Cigarettes, first, know that I love you dearly. We've been together for 30 years. You've been my comfort - my place to turn when I've needed a bit of calm. But we've outgrown each other...my life needs to travel a different path...one where you aren't welcome. a part of me is sad, but mostly I'm excited by the freedom. when i think back on the opportunities for careers and adventures that i've passed up because you weren't welcome - and wouldn't let me go alone even for a week, a day - i have regret. This is a very bad relationship - very one-sided and downright abusive. i am tied to your whims and how i need you. i see myself as "less" when i am with you, dirty, smelly, less deserving, less achieving, and find myself adapting to that, rather than being the authentic person i am inside...beautiful, loving, smiling. i must follow my heart. i know that it will be so very difficult to finally break free of you....after 30 years, a person becomes used to the patterns and habits of the other. but i will strike out on my own. i will be strong this time. i have a goal and i have dreams. and they take me to places where, once again, you aren't welcome. this time, i choose to go. this time i am commited to myself. so, in a few days - the date I decided on - we will part ways forever. do not try to follow me - i have help this time, and everyone is aware of the situation. they will stand up for me against you if need be. L.

praise Jesus!

i may have solved my font dilemma.....this is a test

shhhh! with the exception of my font choice, and my "X" key, i may be back in the 21st computing century. i even outsmarted my PASSWORD thingie on my email. husband asked if i used artificial intelligence. i replied no, and that it would not be an artificial pillow held over his face as he sleeps tonight either. sheesh. i am proud and surprised with that husband tonight though. after his declaration that he had cooked his last %#$&(&% meal for kids that showed up whenever they felt like it, he has actually stuck to it. and tonight as youngblood stared into the depths of the fridge sighing heavily and pacing, he stood by his decision. and when youngblood demanded money to go buy groceries, husband pointed out all the delicious entries that could be had, if one had planned ahead and defrosted them. being on a restricted diet as youngblood is (by his own doing), it sort of limits the choices, and does demand some forethought. but being a resourceful kid, he finally called a friend and went there for dinner. they were having his only acceptable meal - boneless, skinless chicken breasts. and water. bottled. oy. 3 more weeks til school starts. i've already informed husband that if we should somehow find ourselves still married nexxt summer, then i'll be getting my own place for a few months. start saving. so i feel very rested today, having slept 11 straight hours yesterday. the chantix is making me uber-drowsy. i drifted off while reading Oprah magazine around 7:30-ish, on the couch, and woke up at 6:30am in my bed. with a pj top on. no recollection of how i got there. now THAT hasn't happened since high school! i mean....never mind. luckily i remembered to change into real clothes BEFORE going to work. oh and hey! i made it to the 3rd page of the company newsletter! of course i look all doofy and old, but who cares. right there i am, standing amid skunks and hummingbirds and squirrels and Fuller the woodchuck. my arm casually draped over an autoclave as if i know the first operational thing about it. so now everyone in the company can see my picture and go "hey...remember her? wasn't she the one who got fired for....?" not so. not yet, anyway. well, i feel a random and uninteresting ramble about to spout, so i'm saying goodnight before y'all find and re-disconnect my internet. L.

hmmmmmm

(looks like Font is gone for good - sorry). (if you're new to this blog - i urge you to start at the beginning 8/06...it's just much better :+) NOW TO MY POINT: HMMMMMMMMM- as in hmmmmmingbird. the other day the humingbirds were swooping to my front window in a flurry of miniature busy-ness...a squeal of brakes - the feeder was empty. they'd hover look at it amazed then stare iin at me. i got the point. i mixed up their sugar water (little crack heads) and went out front to fill the feeder. which i had just done about 6 hours previous. as i was pouring the liquid from a BIG botttle into a LITTLE hole, i hear HMMMM close by. not hmmm. HMMMM. and sure enough, a little hummingbird landed right on my elbow. if i dared to move, i would have told him that this stuff would surely rot his little teeth. not to mention the high concentration of food coloring. and maybe he should supplement with, oh say, a burger or nice little worm once in a while. but there he stood, pacing like an expectant father, nervously shifting from foot to foot, waiting for his sugar fix. he flew away just about the time i was losing feeling in my extended arm. i stood on the front step and watched. sure enough - he bombadiered back, took a few long sips, then turned and flew towards me. he stopped, then flew back to the feeder. i tried to send out good vibes so he wouldn't be afraid, but honestly, i think as long as the sugar water held out, he couldn't care. things that make you go hmmmmmm. L.

lost words

my brain has refused to give up it's extensive collection of vocabulary words...it stands there - arms tightly crossed, hip jutting out, spoiled child pout with it's nose in the air. it refuses REFUSES to speak to the mouth. the fingers are okay, but not no never again the mouth. as the mouth runs the attic stairs searching through boxes of haphazardly stashed vowels, consonants, phrases, english, french, yiddish...it becomes more frazzled, more chaotic. i fear soon it will give up altogether. become silent. forgetting all but the most common of words. the mind must compensate with descriptions - the dishwasher becomes the watermaker. a crow becomes the sound it makes CAW CAW. i fear the day when i should become like the women my mother used to care for in the Old Age Home....sitting all day by a window pointing and shouting obscenities which could mean anything from Here comes a car, to Oh look a robin. the hands try to smooth things over, delivering beautiful art. the brain assures me it isn't Me, just the mouth, and fragrant word pictures tickle my soul. the fingers type the words stolen from the mouth. L

cross your fingers!

i may be back in the electronic age....i'm trying not to look directly at my computer and maybe it won't realize it's working. so i'll type fast. still no font choice - sorry. and still only-occasional email so don't send me those forwarded jokes that virused up my computer in the first place. they aren't kidding about send it to 1.2 million people OR ELSE. and ps my address book is gone for good i think, so send me a nice hello so i can rebuild it. so after 1 week of Amish-ness, i realized just how much time i waste sitting here staring at this box. between quitting smoking (still in progress) and quitting internet, i should add about a month onto my life! now i'm not quite ready to quit the internet entirely...as you can see, (or smoking) but honestly it was getting a little silly. i always mock my husband out for his Weather Channel addiction. we will be in the middle of a hurricane and he has to check his blackberry to see what the weather's doing. it's like, HELLO! look out the windowberry. and yet here i am kanoodling around blogs and websites thinking, "gee, i wish i could..." Well, i'm here to tell you, i CAN. if i start Doing, and stop wasting my time. not that every blog is a waste of time (this one included) (tee) it's just time spent peeking into someone else's life, is time not available to live your own. (except this blog) :) you know what i mean. so i will carefully and trepidiciously click the Publish button and hope for the best. go DO something swell! L.

still amish

well 3 days and $200 later...there were over 50 bad things on my computer, plus a trojan virus. nice. so i excitedly brought my little one home from the 'puter hospital and plugged her in. she worked perfect! for about 5 minutes. **sigh** so i'm down to irregular email access and very limited internet. oh the inhumanity! L.

the flu

my computer has a virus so bad that the computer fix-it guy has spent over 2 hours just trying to load anti-virus software on it...ths particular virus blocks the anti-virus software. (not THIS computer - don't worry!). it has to stay overnight. i feel so guilty. i also feel sooo tired. day 5 on my anti-smoking drug...smoked a lot today. also napped incessantly. up at 5am for 5 mins. back to sleep till 6:15 when my actual alarm went off. back to bed at 7:30-9:15. only got up then because i felt like a slug, but found my pillow again briefly till 10:30. dozed in a chair in the computer place around 2:30, then came home and slept till 4:30 when the phone rang. so not like me at all. i have a feeling it's the pills. which won't be such a great thing, so i'd better get motivated here and q-u-i-t. honestly i could just go right back to sleep. poor diva feels abandoned. this morning i had a mourning dove at my window feeder...they're really too big to be using it, but don't tell them. it's the same every time...they fly in like huge zepplin, their beaks hit the window as they land ON TOP of the feeder. then they stare in at me for a bit while they collect their wits and try to figure out how to get at the seed. eventually they'll hop down into the feeder beside the one they've landed on. they look so soft, i just want to cuddle one...and their color - a dusty brown? brownish gray? the closest description i can think of: Necco wafer brown. with that same dusty stuff on it. god i love those! well, i should eat before i nap again. husband made some killer salsa. everytime i open the fridge it singes my hair. maybe a nacho platter for dinner. nice and fat free, eh? tomorrow. L.

just shoot me

now NOW the "extra" computer won't work, however for this brief & shiny moment, i am able to connect on MINE. something very tilapia is going on. plus when i turned on the light downstairs -POP it blew out. then another one. then chairs started levitating. JUST KIDDING. so it looks like a good day for a migraine after all. L.

oycrash

STILL NO FONT CHOICE. breathe. okay...just an fyi...some kind of virtual hex has been visited upon me...i am in a semi-crash situation, and will be unable to send or receive emails. suddenly and out of the clear blue, my computer wants me to provide it with a password to get on my outlook email site. monty python-esque. i have no idea what password it'sooking for, since i've NEVER HAD ONE to do this function. i did however have one to use my System Administrator Super Powers. well, i suppose i still DO but haven't needed it in 6 years so have NO IDEA what it is. and - guess what?? in order to change my now-needed email password to something i can remember (after 8 hours of futzing with this, i can think of a few choice ones...none shining a favorable light on microsoft which has no HELP phone number) in order to do that, i need to -you guessed it - sign on with my Sytem Administrator Super Powers. i am right now at this moment using the steppers extra laptop computer which you have to hold upside down while pushing the ON button. no lie or exaggeration. why? you may ask. Blogger isn't email, so why, pray tell? well, let me tell you. beCAUSE my INTERNET connection ISN'T working EITHER. rather it is - then isn't - then is. i called verizon who determined that since EVERY OTHER computer in the house works AOK, it's my wireless router and gave me the phone number to the offshore Lyncsys helpline where i spent the most painful 2 hours with "Mike" spelling out words like p-i-n-g and such, and then determining that the p-i-n-g came back fine, and the lying S.O.B. wireless thingie said it was operational and had excellent manly strength. strong like bull, in fact. super strong. till Mike hung up. then it stuck it's virtual tongue out, gave me the finger and shut down. (insert BANSHEE SCREAM). husband was dragged upstairs for a go at the computer. he noodled around, but honestly i think he knows less than me. I JUST WANT IT TO WORK is that so wrong?? this week you must call me....no email...do it old school. call or write a real letter with a licky stamp. i cannot get email **sob** I am Amish. "why???" i ask. "WHY couldn't this happen to the kids?? why me??" and here i am trying to quit smoking. sweet jesus i could just commit a crime. please pray for me. and please let me know somehow that you are out there and care. clearly i'm dismantling. i already miss all those stupid "forwards" that people send thinking oh ha-ha maybe SHE'LL like it. i do like them, i'll admit it, and i miss them already. but do not jam up my mailbox with them this week or as debbies father says - i'll snatch you baldheaded. L.

wow!

what a day...(still no font choice...sorry). sunny and pretty in the morning, with a trip to the farmers market, then major clouds and thunder in the afternoon. our camping "trip" got thundered out last night as well...husband had just complemented diva on what a good camper she was, when she spied heat lightening. oh boy. she may not have thumbs, but she can sure "nose" a zipper open to a tent flap! after bringing her back twice, and having her march across my head panting and drooling on me, i figured the chances of enjoyment of this folly had been reduced to near nil. so we grabbed pillows and chewies and woobies and headed inside. she was never afraid of thunder till she saw keeter freak. oy. i watched "2 Weeks" with Sally Field this afternoon...bawled my head off. (well - sally wasn't watching it WITH me...she was IN the movie.) so i'm off to disassemble clothing for a special memory quilt. yes...those are rearing their ugly head at me again...but this one i do gladly and with much enjoyment. besides, after struggling and swearing my way thru so many that came before, it will be nice to do one that goes smoothly. (now Lynn...stop laughing or i swear i will be calling you at an odd hour when my frustration has reached max capacity). ok we're good now. L.

a complete day

today was a day that makes you smile and sigh...complete...restful yet much accomplished. the tshirts are cut and now onto the clothing. lunch with an amazing friend Lynn...we tried for a full year (or was it 2?) to get together but something always came up just before our "date." so now we pretend we AREN'T getting together at a certain time/day, and we've actually made it twice! a nice evening with the neighbors in the driveway...one of our "hillbilly driveay gatherings." eveyone brings a chair and we just hang out and chat. such a wonderful neighborhood...everyone looking out for each other. well, off to bed - or should i say tent....husband and i are camping tonight - in the backyard :) L.

today

DARE TO LIVE.