i confess - my addiction

i am head over heels in love with Peregrine Falcons. and MY falcons (mariah & kaver) have 5 eggs cooking right now. see them here http://rfalconcam.com/rfc-main/multiView.php . they aren't actually MINE, but i feel like it. i can't stop checking in on them. a compulsion. yes, an addiction. i remember last year eyas being hatched and felt like they were my own grandchildren being born. well almost. go see. this summer i'm headed on a Hawk Walk nearby. a Raptor specialist has a huge sanctuary with owls, hawks, falcons and even an eagle that have all somehow strayed into harm's way. she rehabs them as best as possible. they either return to the wild, or stay on with her, depending on how well the healing goes. you can grab a gauntlet and go for a walk through the woods and the falcons will come land on your arm (if you have a strategically placed snack on hand.) i can't wait! we have a resident owl in my woods here. when he gets too close to a nest belonging to another bird, the trees come alive with squawks and shrill warnings from every other kind of bird in the area. so, off for a nap....if you read my previous post you'll know why. i actually accomplished half-a-lot....i got half of my paperwork done, took diva for half a walk (too freezing cold to go far), got half my prep done to solder, ate half my lunch, did half a load of laundry. now to go FULLY asleep! L.

sleepless

so at 1:38 am, diva dog decided there was Trouble...started barking like it was her job. in fairness, it IS her job to bark. but not at 1:38 am. unless there's trouble. who knows what set off her concern, but there you have it. after 10 minutes, my kidneys chimed in, and i was up. then of course, she decided SHE needed to go, which meant finding my sweats and out we went. because when she has to go, it cannot be ignored. she'll tap tap tap you on the forehead till you Get The Point. so out we go. now i'm stressed...not only do i have to worry about a potential monster in the house, there may also be a monster a/k/a skunk in the yard. she is on the trail of Something and will not be deterred. great. so my early to bed early to rise plan...pppfftt. except for the early to rise part, i guess. but i'm too tired to accomplish anything, but too wound to fall back asleep. no skunk. back in. upstairs. she slinks under the bed to her Special Hidey Spot and soon begins to snore loudly. i toss and turn. literally. never realized that was a literal description of sleeplessness before. i ponder that for a while. then i ponder the bills piled up by my desk waiting to be paid. then i ponder whether or not to quit my job. and then the pile of applications and forms and artist statements and other paperwork sitting next to the bills on my desk. the stress train has left the station. i wonder if i'll have a heart attack by 2:30am. guess not. i give up and get up. ok this could be okay...i'll get some collage work done that i had planned to do later, then shower and get the groceries done around 6am. that will free up a lot of extra time during the day. but i know, within a half-hour, i'll be tired and soldering my fingers together. then sleep will find me again. then i'll oversleep and get LESS done than i need to. or worse, i'll be semi-productive at this wee hour, then nap for, oh 6 hours, and get Nothing done all day. i'll be too groggy/awake to fall asleep at bedtime tomorrow (today?) and be exhausted for work on thursday. so then friday will be a sleeping-in day and i'll be less productive still. see? i have it all figured out. it's not like i couldn't blindfold myself, grab a stick, and whack pinata-like out at the world and hit stress lately. oh yes. i'm fully aware that diva was probably barking at a piece of stress that broke loose from my brain and was trying to slide past her in the night. flung away from the centrifuge of my worry center. this happens from time to time. a chain reaction of psychic dominos that activate. not psychic as in "you'll meet a tall, dark stranger," but more like the mental things that go bump in the night while you thought everything was under control. ahh, control. you again? thought we left you by the side of the road a few years back. well maybe just a second cousin to that particular sleep-stealer. so i am here to tell you, you are a lucky person indeed if you have someone who lives in a time zone that can be called at dark o'clock and not be awakened. i look out my window...nope - debbie's house is dark. friendship has it's boundaries at this hour. too late for a shot of nyquil, and alcohol would just invite in slobbery sadness. like, after a single sip. i am not a drinker. at all. i tried literally to count sheep. they all ended up in a heap after number 3 caught his little cloven hoof on the fence rail. sometimes it's a curse, this imagination thing. so i pictured myself on a sandy beach...the breeze blowing warm...the ocean waves shhhushhing up to the shore...ahhh, relax, breathe in. OY! a jellyfish washes up and stings my foot. for the love of cocoa puffs. i hop over to the tiki bar of my imagination and order up a double iguana colada...with TWO umbrellas please! as i head-freeze the colada down, i am reminded of vacation. and getting stuck in the rain on public transportation (which is a jeep cab towing a tram-like thing) for 2 hours while we went around and around the island because we didn't know where our stop was and the driver promised He Promised to stop & let us off at the right stop but said he forgot and the man next to me for the last 45 minutes just reeked REEKED i tell you of some unknown cooking, lack of hygeine, who knows what smells combined with a flatulence that would rival any ANY i tell you cabbage farmer reunion. as i bolted off the bus and shoved $2 at the driver (we were told $1 per person) and he yelled "HEY you went up and back $2 more" and the world stopped and stared at us , at that moment when time froze, i swore i would never Never ride another bus as long as i took breath. (luckily when we jumped off the bus (bus yeah right) we jumped into a driving lane congested with traffic from REAL cabs, so the bus driver had to keep moving. luckily i say, but only for his sake because i was really wet and really angry). so now i'm re-pissed at the "bus" driver, and still not tired. on (real) vacation, after narrowly escaping death in the taxi-driving lane, we ducked briefly into a sunglass store go figure, where a russian girl working there ended up selling my husband a $200 pair of sunglasses IDENTICAL to the pair he was wearing. so captivated by her accent, when she asked to see his glasses, he didn't notice that she was not about to return them till he had parted way with a few greenbacks. well, that or maybe when i growled a bit and suggest she hand them over to me for safekeeping n-o-w. such an ugly american am i when i am wet-hen mad. all was forgiven as he purchased his new Tommy Bahama's and we went merrily skipping the the Real Live Taxi Stand and dripped into the velour luxury of a cab bound (for certain) to our hotel where i dripped over for a pedicure. the rest was detailed elsewhere. nope i'm still not tired. you tired of reading this? it's okay. i tend to ramble. so i guess i need to take a breath and realize that my lack of sleep is due to feeling a lack of time, which is due to the incredible opportunities that have been placed before me. artwise. shows and sales are abounding and i'm flattered that the universe, and my friends, have deemed me artworthy enough to include me in the works. and promote my art even when there is not an open oportunity for them. i have been abundantly blessed. and as my Pepcid AC begins to calm the churning reflux in my stomach, i am able to see a portion of the banquet that has been laid before me. worthy or unworthy of this bounty of friendship and opportunity....a question for someone else some other time. it Is. it is. it is. it has been the most magical few years. 2 years ago, i had a sense that i needed to hold on and open my eyes and watch as things happened. as i have opened my eyes and watched, the weavings and interplay of events and "chance" meetings of my life the past 2 years, i am amazed. all things truly do work together. humbling. awe-inspiring. how the good and the seemingly bad have all come together. and i doubt i am anywhere near the final stitch of the tapestry. i hope not. the colors are beautiful. the textures wonderful and rich. despite the fact that i am up at this early hour churning and mentally pacing about, i have a good life. a great life, actually. such a gift to be given - to be able to be up at this hour distressed about not having enough time to fully appreciate all the advantages that have been placed under my tree. to have so many gifts given that my arms are straining under their load. i asked for abundance, and surely that's what i have been given. and i am thankful beyond words. beyond pacing. beyond worry. beyond every gift-horses-mouth, i am truly awestruck to think that this tiny speck of a human on a tiny speck of a horton hears a hoo planet has somehow been given all that i have been given. hunh. i feel even smaller. and maybe a little tired. oops - a yawn. ok maybe i'll punch that pillow a little more and the sandman will come out from his poker game with the tooth fairy. can you just imagine it? L.

beautiful liar

well, the talk went....undecided on my part. a huge thunderstorm blew outside and i couldn't hear a word. i'm sure there was a huge storm inside, as well. youngblood claims he stopped last week and that yesterday was the first day he felt he had things whooped. do i believe him? i'd like to. but i know cocaine is a beautiful liar. and it becomes your first, then only, love. you will lie, stea, cheat, whatever. because it takes you. so i am hoping for the best, but i will keep a suspicious eye out. the parents want to believe. the girlfriend, in my opinion, is a strong and brave girl. to call and get someone involved was a huge risk on her part. and she took it. and i hope she understands what incredible character that showed. i will be sure to tell her when i see her. for now, i am tired. and tomorrow brings an early day. why is it that i get up at 4am on any day except work days and enjoy meeting the day? but on monday, tuesday and thursday....i'd rather sleep till noon! husband is looking at a job prospect with another company that will increase his salary by over 20k....and increase his travel time as well. i told him at that point i will quit my job completely and divide my time between art and travelling with him. otherwise, this marriage has no point if he's gone mon-fri. We'll see. i started a wearable art piece today that's been brewing and flitting through my mind for 2 years. not too much pressure! my shower meditation yesterday pulled the whole thing together, and i now realize that if i would have started it sooner, it would have been a lesser piece. the part that was missing was the starting point. so hopefully pictures soon. a hint...involves A TON of hand beading. which i love because it's somewhat portable. more so than a chunk of rusty metal and a soldering gun! so sleep well y'all....and gail - huh? ok. L.

thankful

i am just overwhelmed with the possibilties and opportunities that have been placed before me...a grand meal awaiting me....on the good china, no less! something about having my piece, Alchemy, selected for the Schweinfurth show just has me awestruck. i've been making art for 30 years now, but mostly for myself, for friends, and commissions. i'd thought about exhibiting in shows or galleries, but never felt "good enough" to. this show acceptance (juried, by the way, by people Not From Around Here) has made me feel legit. my art hasn't changed (other than the natural, usual growth thing), but i feel like the hard work has paid off. like maybe when someone says they like a piece, hmmm, maybe it IS good...maybe they aren't just being polite. which brings me to another thought....it's about people who don't believe in themselves. yes, i've just spent some mom-time. why is it that you can know a person, and see all the wonderful things they are, but they don't believe you when you tell them? and worse, distrust your intentions when you point out the things that make them so special? why don't they see their own worth/value/possibilities/whatever? and i hate to use those terms, because it makes it sound like there is a measuring stick somewhere, and that it would be possible to not measure up on the Worth scale, or Value scale. every every every thing has qualities that make them unique, needed in the Grand Synchronicity of Life. it is our job as part of that orchestra to live Truly. to be our best selves, because that Self is needed somewhere, somehow. by feeling Less, you are denying the world your part in it. no one is Less. they are what they are. yes, keep walking your path. yes, the inner you may change, but that's as intended. in fact, the Zen card for today says: "Success is not found in what you have achieved, but rather in who you have become." although part of who you have become may include your achievements, achievements alone are hollow. i always thought that if i could make X amount of money at a job, i would be happy and feel successful. so i set about to do that. and i did. and i wasn't happy. the maintenance involved in holding that financial line - time, lack of time - stole from my soul. i had a lot of "things" but no time to enjoy them. the lifestyle wore golden handcuffs....and the time came to turn the key and release them. oddly, i am now immeasurably more satisfied with less. and more appreciative of what i have. true, i have a dependable 2nd income through my husband. but i know that at some point, i would have chosen Less, no matter what. who knows. i do know that i am becoming my best self, and in that process, AM my best self every day. for whatever that day needs. it's funny how Spring awakens and reminds me of the bountiful table that has been spread before me...the endless choices to choose from. i am deeply grateful for being given those choices...living where i am, at the time that i am in...being able to say i will split my time between art and a Big Girl Job. and being able to surround myself with precious jewels of friends, like you. i am more Me because of you. that is my success. L.

oh

i was attempting the impossible....i have to write an artist's statement. in 100 words or less. i am not an "or less" type of person. do i fall back on my usual... "I am 50 and I am an artist" which sounds a little 12-step, or do i try try try to write something a little more polished? although the Usual says it all in my book. i mean, who cares what I think about art? who cares what anyone thinks about art? do you like or dislike the piece? why? why not? what does it make you think of? feel? remind you of? now to me, THAT'S the meat of it. i make art because i Need to express the thoughts, feelings, scents, innuendos, experiences of my everyday life, and of my lifepath. I cannot keep it inside, anymore than you can keep your foot from tapping to the beat of your favorite song. i use rusty metal and wood because these materials appeal to me in a visceral way. and because i cannot draw a straight line with a ruler. now how do you make that sound Nice? maybe i'll just use that. L.

yikes has it been this long since i posted?? guess so. well, i hate to disappoint but it's late and i have an early appointment at the salvage yard. so let's make a deal....i'll try to get some really cool pictures tomorrow, and write an honest-to-God, no whining post of some substance if you let me go to sleep now. how's that? remind me to tell you only great things...because only great things have been happening. so okay - let's meet back here later tomorrow...maybe around dinner time? night night y'all. L.

ultimate wisdom

so i go into work today (under duress...i want to be home in bed, or inthe usvi in bed better yet) and everyone is surprised to see me....they thought i was gone till monday. aaarrgghhh. i could have just Stayed At Home making art. tomorrow is vet day. while i was gone, diva was attacked by a pit bull and has a puncture in her neck. i cannot go into the details. just can't. yesterday we were pretty much back to square one with her...hiding under the bed...fearful of everything...not eating. today she's a bit better but still not the diva i left behind for vacation. Lord help me the thoughts i've had about ignorant people who don't understand the concept of a leash law....even when their dog has already killed and maimed and terrified many a cat & dog on the street. deep breath. so here's the Zen Card thought for the day...on Ultimate Wisdom.... Treat everyone and everything with loving compassion. When you see no difference between the sacred and the profane, the saint or the sinner, that is ultimate wisdom. timely, eh? L.

before i forget

remind me to tell you about getting stuck on a public bus for 2 hours on Monday in the gully-washer rain. it's oh-so-Linda. oh, and by the way...thurs 5-8 is the art show opening at Westcott Community Gallery....i'm very excited - they're using an image of my work for the PR! So here is the Zen thought for the day from the Zen cards they gave me at the spa because i was soaked to the bone from the rain and clearly not Zenified when i got there: Experience all things with the enthusiasm of a child, as if you were seeing it for the first time. This is the Zen Mind. Always new. Always aware. Always that of a beginner. ahhh.

i'm baaaack

ok so....i'm back. but not to reality. this is not reality. it is amazing to me that people ever return from vacation. the weather was great....except for monday, where it rained like a monsoon all day and all night. the hotel (ritz-carlton) was very nice...they worked through some difficulties as quickly as possible....a few of the group had no water in their rooms due to a water break...the activities were plentiful and the food was good. i am not one to look a gift vacation in the mouth, but i will say this: should you find yourself the recipient of a free week at the Ritz-Carlton in St. Thomas, BRING SNACKS. it is not all-inclusive, and the only way to get snacks is to access the honor bar (small bag o tiny twist pretzels:$6...small cashews: more...bottle of water: $8+)...the gift shoppes do not sell food, snacks, drinks in any form, and it is a $20 cab ride to the store to get snacks ($10/person each way), so that cheap bag o' snacks is now $30 if you go alone. why do i mention snacks so much? i was hungry a lot! so let me back up. the trip was planned by husband's Corporate Travel company....all we had to do was show up at the airport on time. they gave us $300 to spend on meals not covered (3 group dinner/events) and spa services, activities, etc. day 1: arrive - yes we made it to the airport on time, both of us. now here's some advice - when your husband says he is packed...his idea of "packed" may not be accurate. it may include the following items only: snorkel gear, bathing suit, dress shoes. period. which will neccesitate a quick-pack at midnight before you leave, which will allow you 2 1/2 hours sleep. just sayin. so we get there. and it's hot. and i'm oh so happy. having survived being trapped in a tubular metal germ factory for a lot of the day, it was a relief to breathe free-flowing air. they met us at the airport & shuttled - what could be easier? Mr. Arthur (my new favorite friend from afar) meets us at the portico with rum punch and cool washcloths and welcomes us. i love him fiercly at that moment. he is about 60 years old, his face is a map of the world...lines, creases, dignity. quiet assurance that all is good. the room...wonderful. and we have water! it's a little bit brown, but it's wet and coming from a showerhead. you know, i'm not going to go minute-by-minute here. here's my favorite event: monday night. pouring rain. 4 Lincoln Navigator limos pick up the group to take us to a mountaintop private villa for our farewell dinner. our driver looks just like Sean "p. diddy" "puffdaddy" Coombs). the road literally goes straight up...1 lane. slippery. don't care. the villa....i couldn't speak...so beautiful....crammed with the most wonderful artwork from around the world. the owners were in Austria buying more. i can't begin to describe this place. it was on the top of the world. (note - my camera broke about 20 minutes after arriving in St Thomas, so no pictures). the food - OH! never in my life will i ever eat food or taste wine so incredible. never. and this was in the middle of a lightning storm. perched on the highest point on the island. with metal cutlery. the trip was wonderful. made peace with a small sand shark that kept after my feet by the shore....i promised not to tell he was there if he promised not to eat me. never trust a shark. no shells on the beach, which surprised me. husband and i went Hobie-catting, and i got a face full of ocean as i tried to switch sides of the boat so we wouldn't tip in gale force winds while we tried to make it across the bay to a house snuggled in the mountain. (i was convinced it was Madonna's house). (you can see it in the picture.) just missed getting personal with a jellyfish. darn. and a barracuda. and husband saw an octopus, which i'm sure he would've poked, but someone thankfully stopped him. met some of the nicest people from his company, and it turns out i went to school with one of them (well, she was a few years behind me but knew my brother). so all in all, no complaints. will sort out the zen of it all later and report on the important stuff...right now i'm overwhelmed with my To Do list - laundry, groceries, diva coming home in 2 hours. good to be home, but it was great to be gone! L.

only in america

a little housekeeping: It was NOT gail's fault. it was mine for being a 4-eyed doofus and not asking HOW MUCH??? next time....i'll ask for my senior discount. ****okay - you tell me.....where else can a person start a job, then 6 months later tell them you're going part-time, then they give you a raise, and now a promotion?? if i wasn't so paranoid, i'd have a big head about the whole thing. so listen. apparently it has caught the attention of my boss and her boss and HER boss that the most irate, foul-mouthed, un-helpable people that i get on my phone just don't bother me as much as the other calltakers. sure, INSIDE my last reserve nerve is screaming for a blood-letting, but apparently on the OUTSIDE i am calm and professional. how THIS occurs is anyone's guess. like the song says...."if you could read my mind, what a tale my thoughts would tell." be very afraid. so anyway, i told my bosses that i would be needing thursday through next wednesday off to go to the Carribean. they said okay. damn....they must like me. then they tell me i'm getting this promotion. i will be the person that "escalated calls" are sent to. so it's a good/bad thing....yes, i'll be promoted into a newly developed position...just for me. however, now ALL my calls will be BAD ones. what do you say? no thanks? thanks for be so good about letting me tell you what i will and won't be doing and when, but no thanks when you ask me to do this? i think not. an offer you can't refuse, sorta thing. out of the 5 of us (yes, the 6th person worked 3 weeks, then said their baby was sick and THEY needed to go part time then never called again or showed up.), out of the 5 of us, i would probably be the best suited....i would just have a quiet stroke or heart attack one day and not make a fuss. 2 of the others freak out and scream at people now...the other one just agrees to anything, hangs up and does nothing. i'm sort of middle ground. i never scream....i just get very cooly polite, and don't even think for a minute i am going to help you after you just called me something to do with sleeping with your mother. uhn uhn honey. so i guess because i keep my volume low, i drew the short straw....errr ...got promoted. sort of promoted. got my own department, of which i am the only member. not a strange place for me - my 1st job in radio was as the news director for an oldies station. oh - i was the ONLY news person in the place. still looks shiny on a resume. then i was head of PR for the NYS Senior Games....you guessed it - just me. impressed Bernadette Castro though. so anyway. all i can think of is getting on that plane on time. oh - PLUS plus....apparently our return flight is on American...guess who just grounded a bazillion of their planes for wiring problems? hmmm...American? yup. snicker. i may end up braiding hair by Coki Beach for a living. at least i wouldn't have to listen to people screaming that their teeth are backwards or some such crud. i am still a phlegm factory, in case you wondered. so gross. so before i continue along those lines, i'm going to bed. and ponder my new job title: Princess of Piss-n-Moan. Czarina of Screamers. Emotional Pinata. hmmm...nothing has that ring to it. i'll keep thinking. L.

let me get this off my chest

ahh yes, the ongoing saga of the brassiere bungle. so today, i took myself to Sears. that's right, plain old Sears. where i found an IDENTICAL bra to the one that was sitting in a very pretty bag at my home. well, nearly identical. the one in the pretty bag cost $60. the one i was holding in my hand on a cheap plastic hanger at Sears....2/$20. and then buy 2, get 2 50% off. so i could get MANY bras for the price of the ONE bra at home. that's shoppers math. remember now, i used to OWN a lingerie store...i know for a TRUE FACT that the self-same Victoria's Secret bra that costs $40+ can be purchased at BonTon, Sears, even (gasp) KMart. same maker. same quality. different label. same pair of Indonesian hands make each bra. so to pay more is just silly. so instead of paying more, i bought more. i intend, on wednesday morning, to return all of the bras. (the pretty bag bras). the straps slip off my shoulders, the sizes vary widely and the fit on at least one of them is excruciating after 15 minutes. so today in Sears, i bought 6 bras (some just for play), a pair of underpants to match 1 of them, 1 pair of pj pants (cotton), 2 slinky nighties for my trip, and a plain old white cami. guess how much? Guess! $140.00. And...AND...2 of those bras? they are THE new vicky's style...no underwire..no seam..molded kinda...they're basically a thin piece of fun foam with straps. very comfortable. i have never, i tell you, never been so bra obsessed in my life. not since i got My First Bra. what an occasion that was. had to show everyone. stuffed that baby to within an inch of bursting. a 12 year old with a D cup. ( i know - next time take the kleenex OUT of the box). but i soon realzed i would always be an A. till i turned 40. then blammo. but i just want to get on with the business of getting dressed mindlessly. forget all the hoopla. these are clothes and unmentionables here. of course, tonight when husband and i were walking diva, he said (without prompting) that he loved my new makeover and that i should NOT EVER for a minute feel badly about the money i spent. i could've cried. for many reasons. one, because he noticed. two, because he noticed and remembered to tell me he noticed. and three, because if he actually knew how much i actually spent....i suspect there would've been a different ending to his sentence. but oh well. it's done. and we both feel okay about it. i am still a snot factory, sinus-wise. i packed snorkel gear, but it's unlikely i'll be able to use it. oh - the packing! well...after a few false starts and distractions, my whip-cracking finally took effect and around 3pm we got to it. mostly done - just the stuff you use everyday left to throw in at the last minute. and i have 1 suitcase and 1 mostly empty carryon. good for me! of course, the suitcase is about the size of my closet, but hey....so i'm off to blow my nose somemore. i may try getting the turkey baster out and attaching it to the vacuum hose.....L.

my girls have a home

i am just tired. tired tired. the cough. the nose blowing. which is why i should have stayed home in bed today. rather than go out on a damp, chilly day. which somehow inspired me to leave my mind at home and accidentally do something really really wrong. now, i say "really really wrong," but i am betting (well, i would be if i had any money left) that once or twice you've overspent on something. accidentally. so i guess with that knowledge to bolster me, it isn't such a difficult confession. i'll just say it: i spent $440.00 on bras today. there. i said it. now, one of my typically long explanations. see, it really may be Gail's fault. a few months ago she told me about a store in Armory Square that does for real live bra fittings. i usually grab the cheapest bra off the rack that seems to fit okay - doesn't ride up here, nothings muffins out the top, minimal back fat, etc. i am not what you'd call a slave to fashion, and the bra part of it is such an annoyance anyway. but when you go from an A to a C in record time, you need one. and you kinda want one - it's a Big Girl thing. but they don't come with a fitting...you kind of guess. i mean, even shoe stores have people that can fit you. but anyway. this Bra Fitter thing intrigued me, and with my newfound fashion itch, i figured it was time for a Real Bra. also, my old one was disintegrating. so off i went. la la la. unsuspecting. i should have been on guard...today is the anniversary of my 1st husband's death, and goodness knows how much HE loved lingerie, so today was Not The Right Day. then on the way downtown, i saw a falcon screaming down in a tuck after a pidgeon, and they both smashed into the side of a building. not a good sign - for any of us. but still i continued. i'll cut to the chase. the fitter was fabulous...she took one look at me and declared me a D cup. D cup?? yep. which explains why my other bra looked relieved as i threw it in the trash. it was maxed. so i tried on about 20 bras. after the first 15 i didn't mind her running in and out seeing my naked cellulite. i decided on 2 and then said heck throw in that pretty little pink party number for the husband's viewing pleasure. now mind you, i had my contacts one. i cannot see with them. not so well, anyway. 1 tag did seem to say $49 which i thought was on the high end of reasonable, but still okay....these were not Hello Kitty bras....they were big girl bras. so 3 bras. and 1 pair of matching undies for the party bra. she never called out the total, and didn't have a bonafide sales receipt - wrote it on a sticky note. i couldn't read the VISA slip (see contacts above). on the way home, on the highway, about 65-70 miles per hour, something she said kept going around in my head - it seemed weird. she had said don't forget to put these in your carryon when you go on vacation so they don't get stolen. like, why would someone steal my bra? it's not like they were diamonds. or a camera. and that started a connection to flight insurance which started me laughing that maybe i should insure them, and maybe my girls too. ha ha. and then, it started to dawn on me that i may have overspent. first, as i rifled through the bag, i realized that there was an extra bra in there, and AND the beige number i really wanted was not there. so. i find the slip. and put on my reading glasses. and almost pass out. thank God i was stopped at the side of the hiway. i was hoping a trooper didn't pull over to see if there was a problem. there WAS, but how to explain? i should have guessed that any bra that came in it's own little container was NOT a $49 bra. i should have known that any bra without a price tag is unlabeled for your safety. i shoulda shoulda shoulda didn't. so. i have 4 or 5 bras and 1 pair of underwear for $440. No groceries and the mortgage is due. but i got underpants, my friend. and the bra i wore out of the store that fit so well...well that now feels tight and my shoulders are going numb. so i called her. she was expecting my call. she thought she'd put the wrong size bra in the container (the party bra $175). i told her i hadn't checked, but that i had 1 bra too many and that 1 of the other ones was the wrong color. so tomorrow, when she isn't there, i will return the whole mess except for the 2 bras i went in for originally. but jeez louise. i don't even care about breasts for God's sake! they get in the way, they sag, they are a hinderance to conversation with some men. they serve me no purpose, as i am well past the point of inclination to lactate. (sounds so bovine). but i have them so i'll make peace with them...but apparently peace comes at a price. i was just so upset over the whole event that i actually told my husband how much i spent. he didn't have much to say. just left with his friend to go bullhead fishing. which in general points out the glaring differences between us. a regular Green Acres relationship we have. he'll come home tonight around 2am, smelling of worms and beer. Maybe this year he'll actually catch one of the ugly bastard fish and i BET you i BET you he tries to wave that MF stinky ugly fishthing in my face at 2am and then in 6 months i'll be on that reality show Snapped where they interview women in prison. and it all started with a bra. that's what i'll tell them. L.

ahhh thursday

it's thursday...my friday! still feeling like a booger factory and cough cough cough, but much better....better living through chemistry. that robitussin does the trick. of course it also made my mouth move like a chainsaw...yak yak yak. could not stop it all day. one man on the phones today actually said: "i can't listen anymore" and hung up. thankfully. he was not a nice man. so i've been racing around trying to get my application/CD/etc ready to get to the Everson tomorrow (the last day of the deadline of course). all set. last minute is so unlike me. i mean, i'm already packed for my trip next thursday. big surprise. i'll unpack and repack saturday. then wednesday night realize i liked the stuff i packed originally Much Better than the newly repacked stuff, so i'll re-do. again. that's just the beginning of my travel travails. i am not an easy person to travel with, i admit. my husband is the last minute king. this makes me Crazy (crazier?). i have attempted, this trip, to reduce my stress by increasing his. i have demanded that he be completely packed on saturday. he leaves sunday for boston, you see, and doesn't return until wednesday afternoon. he HAD planned to pack then. yeah right. NOW he informs me that his son has a Very Important lax game wednesday evening (in another city) and he will go to that. so we have to be at the airport thursday at 4am. y'all are fairly guffawing by now, aren't you? y'all just KNOW what will occur that morning. i can't even think about it. by the time we touch down in St Thomas (IF we make it) there will be Trouble. so by making him pack on saturday, he will go against his grain, but at least i won't have to listen to him swear and tear around at the best part of thursday morning while he tries to stuff a suitcase. i have already been harping on him for 2 months to find his birth certificate. so Tues night i Made him search. no can find. it is already too late to get one. i finally found it. i will tell him saturday. i guess the reason i hate to travel with another person is that my comfort level of timing is way off kilter with most everyone elses. i NEED to be extravagantly early. even if it means having to go through security 5 times because i have to go outside AGAIN to smoke. even if it means we are the only ones in the airport besides the cleaning crew. i do not care. and when i travel with my husband...oy vey. the responsibility of keeping track of Everything is on me - tickets, ID, etc, yet he fights me every step of the way....where's your birth certificate and license, husband? i thought i gave it to you. No. pat pat pat of the pockets. drip drip drip of sweat down my back. the boldest thing i ever did was this: i went to New Orleans years ago with a boyfriend. we were thinking of moving there (he is a jazz musician). we stayed with a musician friend of his, whose wife did not like me. at all. at all. so any time spent with them was misery. on the way to the airport to come home, we stopped in for a champagne brunch. boyfriend got rocked on champagne. i detest drunks. then we got stuck in a parade on the way to the airport. we were minutes from flight time as they pulled up. i grabbed my suitcase out of the car, said thank you for the hospitality, and made for the gate. they held the plane. he got stuck in security (the boots i'd given him had metal chains on them that kept beeping the equipment). he finally got on the plane, past the grumbling passengers who couldn't believe they had to wait for This. ...and his trombone in the hard case hitting everyone in the head as he made his way to his seat - the last row of the plane. luckily. before we even took off, he was in the bathroom sick, where he stayed for the entire flight. but my point is, i just decided that i would not be responsible for a grown person to get themselves where they needed to be. it is a bit different when there are wedding rings involved. so we recognize each other's idiocyncracies and try to work around them. anyway...time for bed. L

oy sniffle oy

so not long after i posted last time, i was struck down by the dengue fever. i'm sure when i vacuumed the 20-year old dust out of my closet, there was a small piece of it clingy ever so tightly to a dust bunny. then i stirred it up, and BAM. i was down for the count. ended up coming home early on Monday (everyone was grateful, as i was coughing and blowing my nose like i was getting paid to do it). got up tuesday and went right back to bed. decided to make it up by going in today. still a little on the crummy side, but since i'll be gone next thurs & fri and then all of the following week, i figured the effort would be appreciated. everyone is getting burned out at work...even with full staff onboard, it isn't enough. and the longer people wait on hold, the nastier they get. and they've had to wait a long while lately. thankfully i only get the joy 3 days a week, however the paperwork is a regular Mt. Everest. so between the Fever and the Frustration....no art this week, i'm afraid. i did drop off an entry to the Schweinfurth, so keep your fingers crossed for me. and friday (just under the wire) i drop off another to the Everson. so keep them crossed for a few weeks, would you? Criss Cross the squirrel is back - a sure sign of spring. we have a neighborhood squirrel that everyone thought was rabid at first....he spins around on the ground, then climbs part of the way up a tree and launches in a backdive back down to the ground - continuously. he'll hang by a foot from a branch while he eats whatever he's munching. after 3 months of watching this, we realized he would have succummed to the illness by then if he was infected. then we saw him the next year and realized he's just marching to a different drummer. we never see him in the winter...just spring through october. our neighbors & I do a neat thing every halloween....after the last of the candy is gone and all the ghosties are tucked in, we line up our pumpkins around someone's tree and let the squirrels tuck away some extra food for the winter. it's a riot watching them - they get right inside and chew their way out. the 1st time i caught one inside, i thought i'd wet myself laughing....i saw a pumpkin with a lopsided grin and a little head peeking out an eye. then a tail stuck out of the head. then a little furry head popped up, with paws propped on the rim...cheeks all full to bursting. so rather than toss the pumpkins out in the trash, we repurpose them into squirrel feeders. so i'm off to medicate - better living through chemistry.....maybe some Nyquil tonight....diva had me up 3 times last night to make sure i was sleeping okay....she paws at my head, then cozies down next to my face and sighs and goes right back to sleep. i, of course, am awake for the next 30 minutes. oh well...at least she cares! L.