it's time

it is truly time to fold this blog into my arms and tuck it away for a grand sleep.   When i began blogging oh-so-many years ago, it was to try to write out the deepest pain squeezing my heart from the loss of my dearest Kita.  (i still feel him beside me when uncertainty stalls my feet).   As years past, i shared my heart, my day-to-day, my triumphs, disasters, heartbreaks, deep thoughts, goofy stuff i should probably delete, and just anything that wanted to leap onto "the page."  There are meditative messages... some that still await you.
But it just feels like the time has come for a break.  I am about to leap into a whole new life, which will not allow for proper posting, and it is just time to say good evening to this log of events.
I appreciate the comments, emails, support more than you could ever know.  And i hope many of you will join me on my new journey into Magic!
it will be so very good.
wishing you each the courage to continue your journey, the friends to help you over the rocky spots, and hearts open enough to accept where the road leads you....be well, do well.

I stand.

In anthropology, liminality (from the Latin word līmen, meaning "a threshold"^[1]) is the quality of ambiguity or disorientation that occurs in the middle stage of rituals, when participants no longer hold their pre-ritual status but have not yet begun the transition to the status they will hold when the ritual is complete. During a ritual's liminal stage, participants "stand at the threshold" between their previous way of structuring their identity, time, or community, and a new way, which the ritual establishes.

one last thing...

yoga tuesday...zumba last night...what the heck??? well, that's what my body is saying.  so i've noticed recently how boring this blog has gotten, and am wondering if perhaps it's time to seal it up and shut it down.  maybe I've run out of witty things to say, or deep thoughts to think.  I refuse to let it become an advertising vehicle for self-promotion.  i hate when i've seen that happen.  so here's what i think...i'm going to lay off till the first week of January, and see what happens then.  There are some Big Things popping that you deserve to hear about, having traveled with me this far.  and it has been a journey, hasn't it?  So right after my show opens january 2nd (SHAMELESS!), i'll let you know big secrets and little steps and huge leaps into the uncharted and possibly fantastic waters.  meantime - pray for me.  and i will for you.
Wishing you deep and sincere prayers from friends whose hearts beat in tandem with yours. poofpoof poofpoof poofpoof

beans beans beans beans

so.  my recent annual checkup - not so good.  after quitting smoking, i added on weight like it was my job.  full time job.  and it appears i wasn't picky about what i filled the sack with, though i have no real memories of eating junkie junk (except the apple pie incident at thanksgiving).  but i must have because my cholesterol matches the national debt.  and my triglycerides?  circling the moon.  everything else pretty much fell on the bad side of good.  so the other day i went for my OTHER annual physical.  and my gyn suggested a dvd called Forks Over Knives...in other words eating well vs. surgery.  The documentarians were well-respected docs - one from right down the road at Cornell University.  And they purport a vegan diet as the Way It Should Be.  (I don't disagree, especially after a hideous nightmare i had many years ago involving a slaughterhouse.  All i can say about that is Do Not read books by Temple Grandin just before bed.)  But how?  it seems a lot harder than shoving a frozen lasagna in the oven after a horribly long day.  the prep work seems deliriously protracted and involved, and requiring much forethought - buying fresh veggies almost daily, etc.  what.  do you even think i could make this a lifestyle?? i can't keep a plant alive, let alone myself.  and to think my cooking choices trickle down on the welfare of the family.  (very dramatic, yes?) So what to do what to do.  and can i honestly think that i'll base my life on vegetables?  i mean, i WANT to, but in practice...?  just a whiff of Dinosaur BBQ makes me quiver.  decisions decisions.  and a plant-based diet seems like it would be uber expensive to maintain.  is anyone out there a vegetarian or vegan?  give me some insight please...i don't want to go on Lipitor or any of those drugs.  i won't, in fact.

the most wonderful time of the year

welllll, for many.  for others - it's a foot race with a cement block tied to your ankle and googly glasses on...hard to see your way clear through jingly bells and cinnamon smells and happy happy joy joy all around.  and even though obligations may fill a calendar, it's the pillow that calls loudest.  and on the flip side, this is the time of holiday parties and cookie parties and gatherings - how much more lonesome is a clear calendar.  Please keep a special lookout for those who may be struggling this time of the year...be sure to include them...reach out a hand, invite them out for a latte, or just chat on the phone.  a well-timed email can mean so much.  and even if they decline, it feels so good to be asked, doesn't it?
wishing you each soft days......

all i want...

there are a ton of art options out there!  retreats, workshops, day-long, 2-day, weeklong, sleepover, commute, blah blah blah.  Maybe it's an explosion of them, maybe I'm just noticing.  I have to say that each & every one owes a tip of the hat to Tracy & Teesha Moore.  They were the pilgrims, the upstarts, the bold & brave who went first and figured it out.  Thank you.
here's what i look for in an art retreat:  an nice outdoor setting, all-inclusive meals/lodging (classes too, for a bonus!).  As far as classes are concerned, a good mix of levels - basic to has-some-experience.  i think if you have all these things on deck, the connections and experiences and friendships will form naturally and with strength.  my belief is that when we reach a bit past our comfort zone, or our level of expertise in a craft or artform, then we open ourselves to other new things.  the other stuff doesn't need to be contrived or planned...it will just happen.  poof.
so give me a cabin in the woods, some good bug stuff, good food, a river/ lake/ ocean, and a full moon.  bam!  I'm yours.

post#2

does this just choke you up?

and this.....

ok, while some glue is drying...i'll ramble and half-answer some questions.  No I haven't moved to NYC.  Am I thinking of it? heck yep.  i'll freely admit that Times Square does it for me - standing in the smack middle, with all the smells and sounds and those lights (!) just does it big time for me...yes, tears. unashamed.  And if i had an iPod with a drumline playing, AND was in Times Square, I might just explode on the spot.  just leave a small pile of ash right there.  gone. done.  so this weekend was just all that. (except for the ash part).  (i was careful).  i am a sensory person.  yes, i pet the man's dreds at the restaurant.  i asked first.  but they were waist length and perfect and just, well, petable.  i had to.  i just had to. and he was not upset about it.  prolly grew them (bought them?) for the purpose of attracting women.  so now that i've cut my hair,  i realize i'm a long hair person.  so i'm growing it back.  (maybe buy some for the interim?) even if it looks creepy.  which it won't.  i found a hairdresser who promised to cut it exactly the way i want it.  or else.  side note - i smell popcorn from downstairs.  okay, anyway.  yes i am thinking of making some changes.  i find myself being stuffed into a smaller and smaller box, and that isn't what this is supposed to be about.  and when i notice myself saying "Here, let me help you stuff that arm in" then it's time.  past time.  and after getting hit with a flying D thanksgiving day+1, it is past time, apparently.  it's just the implementation....so overwhelming.
i used to be fearless.  absolutely fearless.  knowing my power.  and i believed in Magic like it was my religion.  then it all got clouded in Being An Adult.  well, the belief in magic is back.  and it is more than a religion.  it is just the way it Is.  and i love swimming in the possibility and synchronicity of it all.  Mrs. Walker was right all those years ago when i interviewed her.  she was just a little cautious about the timeline :)   And Violet backed it all up.  i just didn't believe.  because i was An Adult.  and we must Be Serious.  shmahttah, i say.  there is so much inside me right now - so much to share, so much to hold close to the vest, so much i'm yearning to hold out in my hand and say "see!"  It's frustrating, yet i feel such gratitude at being able to feel it all...to know the things that i am turning this way and that in my mind...wanting so badly to grab a hand and say Come On! Let's sing the lights on!
today i wish you the magic of wishes and glittery lights overwhelming you .....

let me introduce you to my leetle friend....Max.  Max Brenner...the chocolate guy.  oh my freak OUT.  imagine hot chocolate so thick and chocolatey you need a spoon.  yes.  a spoon.  i just had a few sips and am higher than a kite from the buzz.  but this is the real deal, my friends.  oh nom nom nom

what a magical few days - even for a fairy!  Time in NYC at christmas is not to be missed.  and AND if you can spend the afternoon with your BFF (other) Linda, and Seth Apter...well...it's doubly not to be missed.  AND AND if you can spend 4 days in NYC at Christmas, see your BFF (other) Linda and Seth Apter AND happen to run into Perfect Patty under the most beautiful tree in a park near your hotel....call it magic...seriously, call it magic...what are the chances???

very excited!

Heading to NYC today to revel in the sensory overload that is Times Square, and to take a Seth Apter workshop on Sunday with my bff (other) Linda.  Life is good.  I want to go to Chelsea Markets too...nothing like a good flea!  and i need to restock my studio...in my zeal, i over-purged, and now find myself needing that certain gizmo or gear that i chucked.  and i also want to trade the papasan chair for a small futon.  i've only sat in the papasan once, for like three minutes, so it's still brand new.  and no animals have been on it (kept covered).  i think i paid a little over $200...want it?
okay - time to overpack so i can have a heart attack dragging my suitcase(s) on & off the train without getting caught in the door and being dragged down the track - on the outside of the train.  yes.  that is what i dreamt last night.  blame it on those freaky fables we were read as kids - Hansel & Gretel getting burned in an oven...Bambi's mother getting killed in a fire...i mean, is it any wonder??

this blog is just so emotional to me...i can't explain why, but i have such a reaction to it...almost as if i was homesick for the places she shows, but i've never been there.  hard to explain.  go look.  so i'm trying to get ready for 4 days in nyc.  you know me - an uber planner.  that means that by today, i'm freaked out with what i haven't done to get ready.  and this will include random things like ALL my christmas shopping, or all the laundry, etc etc...it's like that commercial with the big snowball rolling down the hill.  i don't just need to throw some jeans and a few sweaters in a duffel and go.  oh no, not me.  i can't even detail it, because it would make me tired.  some days i like my quirks for what they help me accomplish.  some days, i just get tired.  so today i will scrap everything and go to my friend Rika's shop and, well, shop.  then head to the Cafe for a latte and lunch and a secret drop off.  shhh.  feeling tired and hurty and that's making me all emotional these days, so i'll keep moving till i snap out of it.  but nap extravagantly. maybe call a wrap wench for a pedi....hmmmm. AND am headed to buy some knitting needles.  sat down to knit yesterday, and my needle case is missing.  with all my lovely bamboo needles that i've collected in the past few years.  gggrrr.  so a trip to the yarn shop is in order too.  better get a move on!

some thoughts sneaking in...giving me glimpses of themselves, and will soon be front and center and needing to be recognized and dealt with.  As i purged through my studio recently, i realized there were purges in other areas of my life to deal with, as well.  one of those involves my address book.  i know i've mentioned this before, but as the thoughts surrounding this gel more, i share.  there is the poem about old friends/new friends, silver & gold, etc etc.  and perhaps there is truth to that, but it seems like a friend from old, that doesn't make the effort to stay in touch, well, it's hurtful, and being busy is just not an excuse.  i'm sorry, but it isn't.  so i look at the effort extended vs. the effort returned.  And honestly, there are some relationships that will have to be dimmed...where the golden thread will have to be dropped...perhaps their purpose in each others' lives has finished.  and not in a chip-on-the-shoulder way...

oh yeahhhh

The plot twists will be intriguing. The actors may be unpredictable, even erratic. Blossoming and decay will be happening simultaneously, and the line between wisdom and craziness could get blurry. There's not nearly enough room in this little horoscope to describe the epic sweep of the forces working behind the scenes. Are you willing to confront uncanny truths that other people might regard as too unruly? Are you brave enough to penetrate to the depths that others are too timid to look at, let alone deal with? I hope you are, Capricorn, because that will give you the power to ultimately emerge from the drama with your integrity shining and your intelligence boosted.

Capricorn Horoscope for week  of November 22, 2012

most of the leaves are down, still crunchy under my feet as diva and i make our way s l o w l y through the woods... nature is about to rest for the winter, which hopefully will be mild like last year.  i dream of a small cobblestone cottage...i dream of swaddling up in quilts and layers and watching the fire dance and die down in a hearth, smells of cinnamon and balsam filling the air with spirit...i dream of paintings and sculptures coming to fruition under my hands - released from my ThoughtSketches and come into being...i dream of running through the woods with diva, scattering squirrels and pheasants and woodpeckers and deer and coyote...

a few geese have stayed late, honking and posturing in the pond...the night air carries their complaints...a neighbor's house peeks out at the bare trees...owls finding deeper hiding spots...

lately being followed by crow and bear - i should say stalked, as it's incessant.  Tuning in with the season and wanting to hibernate...having very low tolerance for fakery and facades this past month...looking for a tribe......

but for now, paint and wood icing and found objects calling....wishing you the intended spirit of thanksgiving in your heart every day!

today, i take time to name the things i am thankful for, and realize it's a very long list.  Thank you for being a part of that list....

weirdness last night, with Grandma Jenny talking away, and me painting up a storm.  also a semi-disturbing dream about a friend.  no night terrors, but all very real and very strange.  i think the meditation so late in the evening did it...stirred up all the silt.  anyway, off to bed now after a beautifully productive day...lots of hot tea, much art making, time with Diva, good music, a cozy studio.  today was a Favorite Day on my calendar.  am starting to think about redecorating the studio...not purging! just painting the walls and maybe an actual light fixture to cover this one dangling lightbulb in the walkway.  i have huge daylight tubes over my worktable, and recessed pot lights in my jeweler's bench area, and spotlights by the papasan chair corner.  but in the smack middle of the ceiling at the exact center point of the room, there's a lightbulb with no fixture around it.  i want a blingy little chandelier. yes.  just decided. now for paint colors.....

btw - post #2

I have this tendency when I have a deadline, to run full out toward it, tossing everything else out of the way.  my thought is that if something has a definite deadline,  and that deadline can't be changed - like, oh say, maybe an art show - then until everything is ready for it, then nothing else is as important.  and this is true, to an extent, but other things can be necessary too, and not just showering and froofing up a bit as called for in civilized society.  And maybe having a bit of a night out, trying something new.  which i put my foot down and did last night.  i went to Sandi's art center for an evening of Meditative Painting.  wowsa y'all.  the point is not to paint a painting...it's to smoosh around in the paints, letting the music and the state of meditation guide your brush.  it isn't some oogly googly kinda thing, although i was down for that also, if need be.  but i went in open hearted, without expectation, and just hoping i didn't smell like garlic from the Italian restaurant husband took me to just before this endeavor.  (he did not go to the art part).  and i realized that some of my best paintings and 3D work have been done under a meditative influence...a trance-like state that i work best in.  i just never circled it and marked it as such.  and despite being up since 0-dark-thirty, i was relaxed yet energized afterward.  and dreamt i was painting, even.  and then had a very special visit from my namesake grandma that i never met.  it was a wild night all-in-all.  i can't wait to see what happens at the sleep study...too bad they can't see my dreams!  Ha.  the connections from the art show/fundraiser continue to loop golden threads around peoples' hearts...it is such a privilege to see.
now, it's time for me to work.  i will catch you later.  oh - you MUST buy this magazine...it is sweet and wonderful and makes you want to be all bohemian in a modern way and cozy and grow your own veggies but still have heat and indoor tap water...all that.  for me anyway.  oh and the link show issue 3 but i just got issue 2 which is about right, and it is the snuggliest.