free stuff? free stuff!!

it's true - I'm here procrastinating.  sort of.  I'm actually just taking a break between naps.  nah - I've been working like a steamroller this week, helping a friend get her office in tip top organizational shape.  it's one of my very favorite things to do.  As long as i get to do it my way at first, then tweak the system or layout so that it works perfect for the actual user.
and now i am starting on the layout of my "NeW" in-home studio.  yes, in-home.  I am letting my Big Girl studio go in July when my lease is up.  I am not being as productive as I should be there, although I love love love being in the midst of a community of artists.  I also like the option of rolling out of bed to paint or assemble, or staying up late to paint or assemble.  so the best option is to make my current home studio space naked.  remove everything (somehow) and lay down some vinyl flooring so that my paint & water don't seep through to the livingroom ceiling.  then i'll feel better about working at home again.  I spent the morning measuring the room and will be figuring out the layout at some point today. when i envisioned my huge work table turned sideways, rather than being a big block in the middle of the room, it all seemed wonderful.  the table has a cutout for my sewing machine, and my husband originally built it for me to make my massive quilts on.  i hate to cut it up, and now i see i won't have to.  just need to figure out a new configuration of the built-in shelves and spaces below it.  That will preserve the jewelry-making task area i already have, which works very well.
so in the midst of all this measuring and graph-paper drawing, i realized that it was easier to move bits of paper around, as opposed to mondo heavy furniture, so i googled decorating templates or something like that, and found Life Your Way printables.  Free printables.  That organize Your Life! and got sucked right into the vortex that is their website.  I have a true addiction to organizing (yes, that's my husband laughing).  i am a hoarder of tote bags and sterlite containers.  i just want to rodeo up my life, i suppose, and put it in order.  there - saved you a year's worth of counseling.  but if i am turned loose, i will organize.  husband just keeps stepping in the flow of it, wanting things his way, so it never gets done.  we standoff.  or gridlock.  children that we are.  but back to the free printables.  there are organizers for every single thing in life.  everything.  and i now need a binder to put all my lists and sheets of organizer thingies in.  i would just love to do this for a living.  organize.  and event plan.  but i should do something, i suppose.  so i'll go have a snack and get back to work.  or maybe go for a walk. or buy a binder.

the best and bravest week

                                                                                 (photo by Thea Coughlin)

how we roll

why do we make things so difficult??

imprint (or "talk to the paw")

yesterday's mail brought a bubble pack envelope addressed to my husband from an address i didn't recognize.  it is within my job title to open any & all mail that arrives here - no matter who it's addressed to.  i generally open everything, even his personal mail, because it gets lost in a huge vortex in his office...a babylon of junk mail, sailing magazines, work RFQ's, and probably snacks.  so i open and find the proper place for them.  this appeared to be yet another Camillus Knife won on ebay.  who needs so many?? but.  it's harmless and cheap, so i remain silent.  but instead of ebay winnings, out came a round white pancake which, when turned over, had a tiny paw print and some white fur-hairs embedded in it.  the name Nikki was stamped in a semi-circle around it.  and i don't need to tell you how emotional i got.  i took it over to the container with her ashes (that has her pretty-pink-collar-with-jewels-on-it around the box) and set it on top, next to Kita's and next to Bear's.  slightly in front, because that's how she rolled when she was alive.  I don't know how long it takes to heal over.  i wish i could say.  because people have asked...some wanting the information for their own heart, and some impatiently not understanding the grief that makes itself comfortable in your heart "even when it's just a pet" that you lose sight of.  i'll ask the cat, because (s)he's been constantly sleeping in all of diva's places...all the places that smell of her.  and i am not ashamed to say that i have a towel that smells of her from her last bath that i will never wash.  that when i feel most missing her, i take a big lungful of her.
i have a new friend from the building, Erin Meharg, who makes "vessels for newly sacred objects," which is reliquary jewelry.  I have the capability of making these for myself, but would never get through it.  so Erin & I will discuss.  She is a beautiful heart.  even if she just beat me out of a studio i wanted :)
so before i go on in this sad vein, which i never intended, it's shower time.  then meeting my stepson for coffee.
have a beautiful day.....

what a week of ups and downs and twists and turns moving waaay too fast and waaay too slow.  that about sums it up.  okay bye now.
well, there has been some amazing rumbling of an explosive geyser of goodness going on just below the surface.  and some amazing coincidences piling up to point in one direction.  not sure where it will lead, but am certain that the map will unfold for me, so i'm chillin as i walk.  mostly.  there have been moments of abject terror and surroundings of intense loneliness, but just as it seems like i am at the pinnacle of what can be endured, i'll get a PiNg of a text or email or phone call, and it was the exact right thing at the exact right moment.  so i will battle all that away, knowing it's a lie.

does the name "Dornan" mean anything to anyone?

so today i'm off to haunt my studio - am looking into a bigger one on the 2nd or 3rd floor...just missed one by a moment the other day!  i have faith & confidence that the right studio will be there at the right time and for the right price.  with zero income, it's hard to negotiate :)  I need a patron!  with $350/month extra cash laying around to pay my rent!  oooh that sounds so... haux.  but i will believe for it.

thank you.

wouldn't be prudent

yes.  i believe what i said about cosmetics and wigs and body image and the like.  however.  let me strongly  suggest - strongly, as in requirement - strongly, as in Trust Me On This - my advice is that you bring someone of sound mind with you, should you decide to make a (non-refundable) wig purchase.  yes.  sober and of sound mind.  because although i was yes indeedy sober, i have to question what the hell i was thinking when i walked out of Hot Cocoa's looking like a very cheap ho.  And to his credit, his absolute proof of manhood, my brother said nothing when we met for lunch, the 3 of us - myself, my brother, and my hair - other than mentioning that he noticed it Right Away And From A Mile Away, and in such a tone that belied his thoughts, which had he shared them must have been something like WHAT IN THE WIDE WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS IS SHE THINKING???  The Hell.
And i promise you, those that said they liked it, that i will not hold it against you - what could a person do in that position??  when asked, "so...?" knowing that the ask-er has been feeling like less than their fabulosity normally lets them feel...feeling a drifting purposelessness...feeling un-artistic and un-pretty and all those I'm So Exhausted lies that are perpetrated upon our brains as women when we, indeed, are tired.  and Lyme's is Tired with a capital "T."  that rhymes with toupe.
so the one strongly honest comment i got was an email response to a picture i sent - it said this:  

HA HA HA ...I would love it even more if it had some green tinge on the ends.  (i will not ID the writer)
and a text that said : Ummmmm...

please believe me that i appreciate your honesty - i truly do.  because i do not know what was going on in my head at the time Miss Cocoa was whipping fake hair on and off my head saying that I had gotten my sexy on for sure with this one.  she did stand between me and the dimly lit mirror quite a lot, and it seemed rude - even dangerous - to push her aside so i could get a real good look, and so intent was i on leaving there with some new bangin' hair, that, well, she could hardly be faulted.  i own this mistake.  i think i'll just walk away and give this mess to the photographer that originally got me all jacked up about spare hair.  and who knows, maybe with the right lighting, and the right camera angle, and a really really gaussian blur, this could be a good look.  for someone not me.
lesson learned.  will add it to the list of Things that keep me awake at night that do not matter at all in the large scheme of life.

so i wish you a great day, with love for yourself and love for those close to you and love enough to never lie when someone asks you if this hair makes their butt look big.

some insights & new rules

yes, i am healing, heartwise.  slowly and in unusual ways.  i still find myself with a tear sliding down my cheek at the oddest times, but that's to be expected.  and i open my heart to the moment and embrace it, but don't let it run wild and overwhelm me.
my body has been disrespecting me in a continuing battle for supremacy, with exhaustion and confusion making for some strange conversational tidbits.  however - during some good moments, i was having a conversation with a photographer in the building, and she asked me what part of my body did i love.  that led us down the most enlightening and exciting conversation i've had in a while about bodies and our relationships with them and how they do/don't represent the inside "us."  at the same time, another artist in the building gave me 2 huge HUGE filled-to-the-top shopping bags stuffed with cosmetics.  unused. long story there, but they were not stolen.  and i am the last one to stop and put makeup on, especially to go to my studio.  PSD is still speechless over her newfound largess of Urban Decay and Chanel.  but the irony of the two events back-to-back was not lost on me.  The photographer and i talked about when our bodies were young and strong and overflowing with sensuality of the 20-something sort.  and how life and children and life and jobs and life started chipping away at those hips and that flat belly and firm arms, and soon things got wider and larger and flappier.  and we talked about how those changes were allowed to happen and how they changed our perception of our Strength...or was it the other way around....hmmm...
we pointed to times when we felt most like the person we were meant to be, and decided that no matter what age that was, that the essence of that incarnation could fit any age we became.  that a self-assurance in that knowledge of Who We Were, and the acceptance and even the celebration of that person would make any fashion we chose to wear look appropriate.  does that sentence make sense?  (sort of wearing our Selfhood like that favorite comfy pair of jeans or moccasins.)   at the thought of celebrating the essence of who i am, in my soul - my spirit, i realized that the final cobblestones of the shield must go.  that i have allowed myself to become Not Me...realized that in order to live the life i chose to live, i couldn't do it to Me.  yes "to" mySelf.  I had chosen the easy way...the way that allowed for security in some sense, but restricted my ability to be my Self in her fullest incarnation of being. and oddly,  i had followed a similar path that my mother and grandmother had chosen, as well.  so it was no surprise that i look like them.  and i realized that the time i felt my Outward reflected my Inward the most was when i had long hair.  not a vanity.  a fact.  and in recent years, hairdressers that i've chosen have seen me in ways that i projected...ways that i felt...weary, old, fat, matronly.  and they cut my hair.  short.  Samson, i feel ya buddy. even as my intuitive self stayed strong, the threads of day-to-day being just frayed.  so tomorrow, or friday, i will buy new hair.  hair that is long.  hair that is in line with my Self.  I realized that as much as a foundation or blush would bring into alignment how a person would want their face to look, clothes and hairstyle could do the same.  the photographer pulled back her curtain to reveal a whole colony of wigs!  short black hairstyles, long blue hairstyles, mid-length auburn...whatever her mood.  i don't foresee a blue or purple one in my future, but ...
and once i get in focus, my photographer friend and i will be getting it down for all eternity.  and i will post it here.  promise.

yikes! it's been a while since my last post, but i've been snoozing pretty consistently... between the Lyme and the antibiotic for the Lyme, I've been tied up.  but...some goodness coming later today.  meanwhile, have an amazing day!

i should be packing for a brief overnight trip i leave for early tomorrow.  but here i sit.  all thought up with Adventure Planning pinging around in my head.  Event planning.  B-I-G event planning.  and the more i think, the more thoughts i have, and the more thoughts i have, the more excited i get.  it's always this way.  the idea starts out huge.  then grows. till it's impossible to get my hands around it.  or my head around it.  and then - it's just right.  i am the do-er of big things, it seems.  life, my life anyway, will putz along with barely a dimple on a radar...with barely enough snail energy to get from A to B.  then a meteor hits and sparks fly and soon, i am sucked into the great vortex of planning and cajoling and assuring everyone that It Will Be Soooo Good.  and then i worry that no one will show up and i start not sleeping and wondering what i was possibly thinking that i could ever ever pull this off.  every single time this happens.  and it always turns out pink frosting and glitter, so why do i worry?  it's how i'm wired, I suppose.  and this idea, this current tasmanian devil of an idea running rampant in my head (if you look me in the eyes steadily, you'll see it drooling and spinning past every few seconds) is hands-down The Biggest One yet.  so exciting.  and so here i sit in my regular clothes, but somehow with my bathrobe over them.  staring.
when i went to the bookstore today to buy Paulo Coelho's new book, there was a paperback near it that espoused a link between great leaders and mental illness.  Lincoln, Kennedy, etc.  Call me crazy, but that's a little disconcerting.  luckily, i am not a great leader, or even a good leader.  i am way too particular, and a certain type of control freak, to lead...that would imply that others were helping.  and maybe it's just that i would prefer the finger-pointing to be focused on me, should something go horribly wrong...that i don't want anyone else to feel at fault (except for the really bad vet mentioned a few posts ago, who is afraid to tell me that they lost diva's paw print, but i'm not going to make this one easy for her and that's a different topic).
so i should be packing.  and i hear the snowplow out front, and know i should leave for the train even earlier than planned, but have no way to reach my driver tonight.  so i should pack and sleep.  or at least lay down.  for someone with so much fatigue, i am having a difficult time with sleep.  damn you, Lyme.

so - here's the deal.  if you are my friend (and you know who you are), and we haven't talked/emailed/touched base in a while...i need to hear from you.  i know everyone is busy.  i am busy.  but i really need a quick email that says "hello," or i will know that our friendship is a fond remembrance.  

ok.  now to pack.

pick one

sorry i looked, but when i did - yesterday's sweatshirt-and-sneakers will clearly be replaced (again) by snow boots, hats, gloves, and all the armor against winter's drifts and drafts.  so i did what any self-respecting upstater would do - rolled over & went back to sleep.  then checked my inbox, after closing all the curtains, using the cat's philosophy of If I Can't See It, It Doesn't Exist.
my inbox.  among a bunch, these 2 stuck out....

Is there any point in sitting here at all:
courting luck without design; stretching out
a dry spell; groggily awaiting the occasional spark;
comforting myself in the knowledge
of what I might be capable of,
while watching my capabilities slipping by;
satisfying myself that I can’t sink any lower.
Then, sinking lower.
(I don't know where this quote originates, sorry.  I'm certain the sender was not the author, though)


Then this...


Sometimes we settle for a life that is not even close to what is intended for us. Sometimes we settle for relationships, jobs, places and situations hat we have the ability to change, but that we have become too comfortable with, even if those very things bring us feelings that that are unsettling to our core.
Mentally wake up today. REALLY look at what things in your life are not resonating with your beautiful soul. While we cannot change people, we CAN change the way we interact with them, changing almost any relationship into something beautiful. We can make our surroundings more beautiful, neat and organized, without spending any money. We can mend old fences. We can change many things about our careers. We can restore our spirits and treat our loved ones with extreme kindness and unconditional love. We can get rid of ratty old clothes in our closets that make us feel yucky. We can weed our flower beds. We can do so much to make a lovely place for our spirits to dwell. We don't have to settle.

(part of a BraveGirls message)

And even though they both, i suppose, speak of a life not lived in fullness, one message seems to be content to sit and wait for a magical force to strike and deliver the goods, while the other puts the power in the bearers pocket and says Just Do It.  i like that.  i have been feeling quite a bit like the 1st quote, with a spanky new studio and no inspiration.  People are kind enough to offer me all sorts of excuses - you're just settling in...there's been a lot happening in a few weeks, etc.  And yes, i could latch on to any one of those, and any one of those is correct and may be the answer.  However.  Do i want to live my life waiting? not so much.  so off to the studio again today.  this could be the day that it all breaks loose on my canvas!

stay warm today - in your heart and on your feet.
PS: Paulo Coelho has a new book out!! and here's a quote from it..
"Because Enthusiasm is the Sacred Fire" 

i knew you were treble ...

yes - post #3.  making up for lost time.  i just deactivated my facebook account.  i realized how impersonal the whole platform has made friendships.  sitting at a computer hitting "like" or "share" does not create or deepen a relationship.  it's a shorthand, maybe a quick note til later, but then there never is a later, right?  so - know that i care deeply about you and your goings on, and request that you take a moment to actually email me with your life's stories or hellos.  i will do the same.

tick tick tick

yes it's true ... the doc says Lyme disease for me.  i say No Thank You, but what does it matter what i say??  March has been a spectacular flop, in my humble opinion, but today RABBIT RABBIT RABBIT and here's to a fabu April.
yesterday, on a whim, husband and I went to Derby Hill...the weather was perfect to watch raptor migration...warm breezes from the south pushing tired wings.  right off the bat we saw 3 Golden Eagles, followed by a sky full of turkey vultures, then 3 bald eagles, and hawks, killdeers, meadowlarks, cranes, harriers...an incredible day.  there were a handful of watchers with us - most very experienced - to identify the variances ... red tailed hawk vs sharp shinned, and such.  i could have stayed all day, despite aching joints and cold feet.  i was glad for a hooded sweatshirt under a hooded fleece-lined wind jacket.  coulda used heavier socks.  we came home to a freshly painted livingroom, a new configuration of furniture, and a lonesome kitty.  he/she has been sleeping at the foot of my bed, where diva slept.  i came upstairs last night, and there was bulimia cat.  not going to leave the spot.  i knelt down and got nose to nose, and pet him, whispering good things about him and diva.  he sniffed at the covers and put a paw on my forehead.  that cat is crazy smart.

so here's what eagle has to say:
there is a new beginning for you in a positive direction following a recent period of strife, one in which you've gained a great deal of stamina & resilience. (holla).  it's a time for greater spiritual awakening and connection to the divine.  whatever you put out - positive or negative - will return to you more quickly than ever right now.  (I wish you all an incredible & prosperous month).

i have an idea i'm returning to that is huge, and will require outside funding, and will bring art from around the world to New York State.  it will be delicious.  Get your submissions ready...details to follow Very Soon!

if you go here, you'll find an incredible organization for arts information, and a funding site similar to Indiegogo and kickstarter.  this is one of the projects featured...love it...

This is a giant block of whatever is most difficult for you to carry & trust me on this, you'll carry it more times than you can count until you decide that's exactly what you want to do most & then it won't weigh a thing anymore.

- StoryPeople


today went by too fast, and too slow.  i was too tired to notice...thought i'd been in my studio for hours, but as i drove home, it turned out to be 45 minutes.  unproductive.  a tired day. a sad day. tomorrow - followups with the Doc, and hopefully an answer to all this.

meanwhile, Perfect Stepdaughter brought this animal home for a visit ...

 a friend's dog she is watching.  watching drool, mostly.  bulimia cat was freaked. pay no attention to the mess in the background - we're getting ready to paint, and everything's all over.  an early night tonight.

today i felt her...all around me, wherever i went, i felt her.  at the store, i kept thinking that i had to get home to walk her.  in my studio, i'd look at my clock, thinking it was time to go walk her.  or feed her.  and i could feel her around me...she seemed happy, if that counts for anything.  and i was happy for her.  and it came as no surprise that husband called from 3 hours away on a business trip to tell me that the Emergency Vet called him to let him know her ashes are there.  we can go pick them up.  i decided to wait for him to be home and come with me.  there was a moment where i wanted them here right here with me tonight.  but knew it would be better to wait.  i'm grateful for this time to properly heal.  mostly, i know it was the right decision at the right time, and that it will take a while for missing her part to ease into it's place.  bulimia cat has been staying very close, sleeping in all of her spots.  i told diva that now she could sneak up on kitty and scare the be-hay-soos out of him, like he did to her all the time.  i'm watching for it.
wednesday is my blood work follow up, and i hope to get started rebuilding this old body...spackling,  oiling the rusty parts, and doing whatever needs to be done to get back to a healthy state.  it's time to take care of myself better.  it has been a helluva year.

i'll finish my thoughts on the previous post some other time.  today, I'm running late.  i overslept, although "sleep" is a relative and nebulous thing.  Even with sleep "aids" it eludes me.  actually, it doesn't so much elude me as terrify me.  nightmares that would send Hitchcock to the studio in his bedclothes, excited to film.  waking.  sleeping. waking.  i work harder at night than i do during the day. and sometimes, the tendrils of a terror follows me to the daylight hours, so powerful an image has it cast.  and when i'm least on guard, it shrieks up in front of me.  i work hard to not let it show, or you'd probably never meet me at Starbucks.  but i am haunted, there's no doubt.  at times, the ghoulies go away, content to recharge themselves or perhaps hibernating.  who knows.  but then they return.  and there's nothing keeping them away.  so i go through the weeks in a half-asleep haze, having been kept awake half the night.  and husband wonders why a fulltime regulation job is just not in the cards for me. a cheerful post today, eh?  sorry.  i have a studio week planned - husband out of town, and me needing the time making, and the time in the community of makers.  maybe some garlic or a silver bullet will keep the terrors away...

fast or slow?

I read in our newspaper that COO of Facebook, Sheryl Sandberg, will be speaking nearby.  She has a new book to promote,  Lean In.  The book espouses her view that the women's movement has stalled...that women still do not have equality, presumably meaning in the workforce.  She urges women to ramp it up, nose to the grindstone, especially in those "difficult child-bearing years."  (that may not be an exact quote, just so you know.)  and most of what she says is true, from one perspective - the facts and figures of it all.  but.
i will take the view that women were fed a can of goo ...that we were told we could Have It All.  And that "all" was defined for us as a monster career track, beautiful & fulfilled & well-adjusted kids, a clean home, happy hubby, and a size 4 figure.  all before we turned 30.  and you can't.  just can't.  something has to give. (and i believe that's where the craft revolution got it's feet - old-fashioned, slow down making.)  I chose to Lean Back, i suppose.  i chose to hold life in my hand and gaze at it...to not just stop and smell the roses, but grow them and tend them.  and i will not have another round of women barging into the world telling other women that they need to step it up.  no sir.  i will not let another generation of women tell other women that unless they, too, stop sniveling-work harder-get tougher-achieve more, then they've failed.  all while wearing those ridiculous shoes with the 10" spike heels.  stop this madness, ladies.  just be.  it is okay to "drop back" and raise your children - they are literally our future, so i ask that you do it well.  it's okay to not want the corner office...there has to be worker bees to bring the honey, don't forget.  there are so many different choices in life, and Sheryl may very well speak to some women who want that corner office and fast track life where meetings & deadlines trump soccer and school plays and bedtime stories read while snuggling.  i don't have children.  i was a child once, though.  and my childhood memories are those spent sitting in a big green chair with my mother while she read every book Dr. Suess wrote.  at leisure.  then walking to the library and getting more books.  her only deadline was the check-out date.  and dinnertime.
but my point is that there are so many different ways to live your life, and I don't appreciate this next round of go-gettum women telling everyone else that they are The Problem.  i have more to say on this, and will be back later.  i'm going to brunch, and have a deadline for hair & makeup.

twang

so my life, these days, is a country music song...i lost my dog and my job in the same week.  my roots are grey, my feet hurt, and the juicy steak i've been saving for tonight - well tonight is FRIDAY and husband is a friday fish man.  that's the only nod to religion he makes, but it is a Rule of his.  so i work around it.  i have far more little glitchies, i suppose, that i feel are Important and Non-Negotiable.  so when i found this easy reference chart onWhere Happiness Is Found, I thought I would share.

There's an entire T-shirt with this chart in girls and guys sizes.  here.  And most of these are items you already have on hand, like glitter, gummy bears and sporks, so what the heck??? we should all just Be Happy, right?  I plan to gather those supplies, and ride my pink unicorn down to my studio today, since i had dreams all night last night, and the non-terrifying ones involved making art.  but first to dig out of the snow.

my heart is starting to heal a bit, and i am starting to get a realization that not only was diva's purpose fulfilled, but mine was, as well...to give her a good home and as much love as a human can muster.  she musta been wicked special to God  to merit the coincidences that took place in order for me to get her as my fur baby.  she was, and is, that special to me.  so - on to the unicorn chart.  which can also be a tshirt or iphone case and which is designed by a real live artist such as myself, but NOT myself in this case.  and i hope Cayetano gets his designs somewhere where he makes serious cash, because he is That Good.  I own some of his work, and perfect Stepdaughter even laid out her own cash for some of his work.  and he has a cool name.  His sister Carrie makes handmade books of the sort that make you not want to write in them, they are that wonderful and almost sacred.  i'll be helping her make her website, but her etsy shop is usually in-and-out, so if you see something - buy it quick! i just checked and it's empty at the moment - sold out.

they are both in the building where my studio is.  i love that.  so is Helen Carter, and Mike...the renegade seamstress and her hubby.  she is the genius behind Secret Lentil.  go to her website, and read the long passage on the front.  it's awesome.  they are awesome, the clothes are awesome.  own you some Lentil.  another friend-in-the-building is Edie Brown.  you meet her, say hello, and fall in love with her.  she's always smiling and uber-talented.  and she's in my former magic studio 261.  what's not to love?  she shares the studio with her best friend, and a painting i Must Own.

hey - i need a small couchlette for my studio, and after becoming unemployed yesterday, have cancelled my shopping trip to buy one new.  if you have one please let me know.  

i love that the unicorn has a bacon horn!

my body said NO to getting far from bed today, so I will listen.  no choice, actually.  In these days, husband and i are realizing how empty the house seems, and how full each others arms are.  our grief is drawing us closer, as we allow each other the distance or activity or closeness that is needed at the moment.  there is still a raw stripe down my heart, and i often find myself running to his office for a hug and a cry.  oftentimes, i find him there, tearful as well.  i am learning, again, about grief.  from a different head this time.  from an adult who has seen much grief, and knows it will follow it's own path, and that to deny it voice will not quash it - just delay it's roar.  so i whimper, cry, sob, holler - whatever is needed at the moment, knowing that it's a process of bringing a new reality into being...birthing a different way of getting around the world...this life after.  it's a shame that some don't understand the immense capacity for love that our pets have, and the huge void they leave behind.  i've been told i should go to the SPCA and pick out a new one.  and i know it was well-meaning.  but my dogs were like my children.  and i don't think there will be another in my life.  i am certain i cannot ever go through this again, even as i feel little bits healing and tiny realizations coming through.  so today is a tea in bed day, i think.  watching snow pile up on the deck.


the original post that started this blog, per your requests (not sure why some browsers won't go back that far):

2 weeks ago, I said goodbye to my best friend, my companion of 18 years-2 husbands-3 houses-millions of tears- 2 million smiles- 3 cars-4 dress sizes- 2 dogs- 1 cat-uncountable cups of coffee - 18,720 packs of cigarettes- 3 carpets - 6 jobs - and so many many of life's special wabi sabi moments sweet and dear. My dearest - my Kita - who taught me about love and patience and listening to the unspoken and seeing with the heart when there was no common language except the heart - except the essential - the essence of each...the appreciation of what each brought to other. just a dog, you may say. unless you've had a dog - shared your life with that constant companion who asks only for a scratch behind the ears (and 1/2 your hamburger) you can't understand. his coat absorbed the tears cried with my lifes anguish...his tail wagged when lightness came to our house. his dark eyes seemed to know the secrets i kept from the world. every night in the summer, we'd walk the neighborhood at 7 o'clock - the best part of the evening - and when dusk began to fall, he'd insist on stopping just outside the door in front of the stoop and sit with his back to me - still, quiet, looking out to the stars as if thanking his Creator for the day and all it had contained. 6 months ago, we said goodbye to my husband's dog Bear. A truly wonderful friend i had known a mere 6 years, yet mourned with my deepest heart of hearts. i asked him to save a place for Kita, knowing the time would be all too soon for the friends to reunite. when the evening came for Kita, i admit, i wasn't ready to say goodbye. it was the kindest thing, i know. his pain, his parts worn and weary. but how do you say goodbye to all that he is, was? i screamed and cursed the good that we had, for it made it that much harder to let him go. there is something so undeniably pure in the love you get from a dog....a love that asks for nothing in return - it just ...is. My youngest dog still looks for him. she goes to the spot he slept and sniffs for him. she mourns for him. Today, i received a package in the mail from the emergency vet we'd taken him to - some of the kindest, most compassionate people i've known. it was a plaster cast of his pawprint. i ran my finger over the dips and curves, so very glad for this one personal tactile remembrance. yet my heart tore and screamed. how long will my heart cry? how long will i mourn? i have a curl of his fur in a small jar on my desk with the quote from ee cummings on it "I carry your heart with me - I carry it in my heart." last weekend i took my little dog to the lake. I'm not the type to look for signs and messages - i just live my life and try to make the right decisions. but, i had been asking for a sign that Kita forgave me, for it seemed like we never got a proper goodbye with him in such a critical state. when i pulled into the grassy area by the boat launch, it looked as though someone had run a lawnmower over a large amount of paper - it seemed as though "confetti" was flying everywhere. when we got out of the car, i looked closer - Monarch butterflies - thousands of them - literally thousands. on a stop as they head out on migration. thank you, Kita for the show. my best friend, i love you to the moon and back.

blog wonky ....sorry...not sure what happened here but will fix it when i get the energy