sunny day

this is what I woke up to this morning....beautiful!  Thank you Jodie and Mary Ellen and Joslyn...Thank you for letting me play, and learn, and discover how strong I am, and how able I am...because I think that's what this whole thing was all about, actually *smile*   It had been so long since I trusted myself, or even knew myself, and even though it meant flat out laying on the floor exhaustion sometimes - i had to do it alone.  or i would never have known.  and now i know and can go forward with certainty in my steps again and plans in my heart and feeling that just-shy-of-headstrong determination that had been worn down.  i am reminded of a T-shirt from Jen Lee that says "Gentle Spirit, Badass M*F*" except the last word is all spelled out but i feel prudish this morning.  i get in my own way, and i noticed that during the process of creating an art show.  i get in my own way.  i noticed whenever my inner taskmaster took the whip, things just didn't feel as wrapped in love, or like they fit...those elements stood out, felt jangly.  and if i went back and redid them in the right spirit, then it was smooth.  but otherwise, it was like a speed bump on the autobahn.  when my focus fear was money, that's what failed.  when my focus fear was on a particular piece of art and whether or not to feature it - that's when it sold, or something came up to make me realize it was a fear, not a reality.  i am giving myself the day (partially) off.  this morning i'll send out emails to those who's artwork sold, and then make a roast for an overdue birthday dinner for husband.  other than that, my studio is lonesome and forlorn.  i think i'll make a Journal of Fears, so I can keep them contained.

I started reading Melody Ross' new book, A Little Bird Told Me.  I get her daily little bird emails, and this book is stunning.  you can't just sit down and read it through.  there are so many truths that hit you between the eyes, it would be overwhelming!  order one for yourself - you'll love it.

ok - off to relax-ish.  

here are some photo booth photos from the event:

and we did.

wowa

i am exhausted...my feet are exhausted...my hair is even begging for a nap - and I just got up a short while ago.  But i'm totally amped about last night's art fundraiser!  People came out.  even our favorite Senator John DeFrancisco cam with his wife - 2 of the most gracious and lovely people ever placed on this earth, and total friends of the arts.  i hope to post some pictures soon...right now, i need more coffee!

THE day

yes - it's THE day...i know you're all tired tired of hearing "fundraiser this" and "fundraiser that."  I know my husband sure is.  and has not hesitated to express this to me.  but sometimes you have to push through the babble and noise...sometimes you know what you know to be true and the absolute right thing, and you have to kick convention in the teeth and keep on...sometimes that path looks like The Absolute Wrong turn, but guess what?  it isn't.  you know in your gut that it's the right way, and you push through the scary bits and the tired parts and the areas where you are so overwhelmed you can't even cry, because in between there is such an amped-up gush of pure unadulterated LIFEFORCE and flow, that you move towards it - even if you are the only one that can see it...and you often are, because it's your path...yours.  and maybe along the way, someone will walk with you...someone who can also see what you see, or maybe they can't, but they believe in you enough to follow side-by-side, trusting in you and giving support.  maybe just maybe.  and maybe they start to see the glimmers and shimmers of light along the path that kicks up from your heels like moondance and sparkles.  and that, my friends, is where the magic is.

today i wish you courage to follow your gut, your heart...to dance with abandon in the sparkling reality of what you've always known...it's a marvelous night for a moondance, after all, no?

We need a letter that's like i & u together for when we're doing stuff like this, he said & I hugged him & said a lot of people want a letter like that.
-Brian Andreas (again!)

Low-key mainly because she's got enough going on inside that she doesn't need more people around her ready to freak out at a moment's notice.
- Brian Andreas, StoryPeople

bonus post #2

just looking at this picture makes me weepy....

EDGAR

in my house, my name is Edgar


I need an Edgar today!  Caroline Szozda-McGowan and I spent many many MANY hours plotting out the show yesterday, and this morning I am still in my pink flannel pj's with the martini glasses and olives on them as i write this.  wicked, eh? Today, my calendar says "stop doing."  a day of floating nothingness I schedule in every 3 weeks.  however, i was wrong.  it is Halloween and I forgot to buy candy.  and since I am Edgar, it is my job :)

so let me tempt your eyes with some of the artwork we've prepared for selling!  Unless we all buy it before it hits the dance floor!
bracelets by Terry Handel.....

work by Cayetano Valenzuela, BJ Lantz, and Fred Wellner....

Phil Parsons, MB Shaw, and Sharon Bottle-Souva...

and THIS! I opened one of the boxes with artwork in it, and my FriendFriend Terry sent me WINGS and a WAND!  which i needed right then and there.  I haven't mastered short wings yet, and will admit that i had them on backwards at first, then got a wee bit stuck in them, but finally figured them out.  and the wand - sheesh - no brainer!  Thank you Terry, for the short wings, and for believing that I am a fairy.  (It's a hard sell).

and then I remembered another friend, Swirly, also believed in me...and I grew strong again, and less weepy and emotional. (even fairies have their moments when they are exhausted)

this may look like a random shot of a plant in my house, but au contraire.  It is visual proof of what can happen when you believe in yourself, and get a wee hand up at the right moment.  Sheila, the plant shown below, was a tiny scrubby not-so-beautiful little house plant that came in a dish garden.  I found her out by the trash can at my old job.  in the winter.  just her in her little mauve pot.  i brought her in and kept her warm and she was so grateful, that she continues to grow and grow.  she is super-deluxe huge now, as you can see...

now, you may be wondering what that masking tape square is on the lower right.  i will tell you.  it's a secret door.  once in a while, and especially in the winter, somehow little mice get into the house, inside the walls.  and there is a place where they get to a drop-off and it's the End Of The Road.  and that place is right where the masking tape is.  Bulimia cat will alert us that there is a visitor, and we remove him/her back to their normal outdoor environment.  It happens so frequently in the winter, that husband never fixed the sheet rock, since he'd have to keep cutting it anyway.  but look at that plant!

so i'm off to the printers - well after I get dressed, I think!

EDGAR!

more me!

part deux....here

housekeeping

a few posts back, i was freaking out because i felt i had nothing nada sheedoobie to give the gallery owner for the Very Important Show.  After the caffeine and Stella D'oro faux biscotti wore off, I realized that, duh, I had quite a bit of the exact work the gallery owner had asked me for.  It was a day of buying shots of panic all around.  i am calm now, and happy with the work i have lined up in front of me.  so now i am free to panic about the Storm.  Seriously? it's due to slam in on the very day I'm setting up the fundraiser show.  I am a block away from the Lake.  well, at least it's an uphill block!
stay warm, safe and dry everyone.

ahh - the light of day

it dawns all golden and fall-like and a bit lower in the sky than I'm used to, and with comes this run-on sentence and a new perspective.  after a day laying about slack-jawed and unable to move, feeling the effects of Octoberous Torporous Disease,  and a side case of overwhelm, I went to bed after the final repeating show of Restaurant Impossible that my eye was watching but my brain built a wall to keep out (thank you brain).  when the eye, hungry for candy, woke the brain up this morning, it re-looked at the work assembled for the Very Important Show, and said "hey, i like it."  so it was the brain putting pressure on the mind, after all.  silly brain.  so today i will distract it with music!  and while it tries to figure out the words to those hip hop songs on my iPod, the hands will make beauty with the beholder's eye.  until a webinar at 1pm, but i can be in my PJ's for that.  it seems once i get dressed, i want to head out and go somewhere or do something Not Work Related, so for me, it's best to stay pajama-clad with an apron over it, until noon anyway.  makes for an awkward moment when the FedEx guy comes, but he must see it all.  maybe i'll answer in my tutu some day.  why waste a good look, right?  tiara, tutu.  i still got it.
In other news, the Random Acts of Magic site is getting closer to being real!  wait till you see!  Just wait!

oh! it's me!

lookie here!

maddening!

having the worst time trying to just FOCUS and get some artwork made...throughout all the calamity that is my life, I have a Very Important Show of my own coming up, and have been stressing about doing some new 3D work.  I've been painting for so long now, and the gallery owner had expressly asked only for my 3D assemblage work, and some talisman jewelry to go along with some 2D work she's showing as well.  two years ago when she booked me, she asked specifically only for this.  2 years ago.  and I've done some stuff, but your eye changes, and style changes, and the things you thought were so deep and meaningful now look like schlock, so you try to make MORE but there's nothing that appeals and soon look at the shiny object soon it's time to set up the show oh a little bird and you just aren't happy about any of it but time's up.  so to the artists participating in the fundraiser - i do know deeply what you are feeling. but time's up - send it in.  and maybe i'll focus better when i'm not so multi-minded.  that's truly possible, but cutting it awfully short, with 2 major holidays, plus my birthday, and a weekend away to hang with Seth Apter in NYC,  so i'm pulling out all stops and calling on any & all Helpers that I can think of to get focus and inspiration and to help find more actual shiny objects to stick on the assemblages i need to make a dozen of.  that i assured the gallery owner i had sitting nearly complete and staring at me.  yes, i lied, because she had a certain strained sound to her voice that i now recognize...that "please-tell-me-you-will-not-mess-my-life-up-by-not-having-work-done" sort of straining tone with a under-tone of "I Will Make Your Life Uninhabitable," and floral notes of "I Will End My Own Life As I Know It Today-just walk out the door and into the desert to live in an adobe hut with a well and septic and make clay pots and grow dredlocks and wear long skirts and water buffalo moccasins."  just thinking off the cuff here, but as she kindly asked about my progress, and if i had, indeed, remembered the show (as if an opportunity like this comes every day!) as she inquired, it was as if a giant movie screen appeared and i saw all these things (well, not really, but i say this all for dramatic effect) clacking from the reel, and i felt so deeply a kinship with her, as we are both in the same position in our lives, except i am also in the position of being the liar.  it makes me wonder if she is in a show somewhere with a hard deadline too.  now that would be super creepy.  hunh, and guess what?  the deadline remains, despite me taking time to write about it.  darn.

hurry hurry hurry

i am having a love affair.  yup.  tis true.  with wood icing, Stencil Girl stencils, and Mary Beth Shaw.  Can't get enough of any of them :)
Mr. StencilGirl was very polite, too, though I wondered what he had heard.

But really now - go try these stencils and wood icing!  the stencils are heavier than most, and can stand up to some good molding paste or icing.  The wood icing is an amazing product - it holds it's shape and is paintable, sandable and tastes great!  (NO - I LIED ABOUT "TASTES GREAT" ...do not eat it. feh.  poo. do not eat)

there's been a gentle theme running through my day-to-day for the past few months...tugging at my sleeve, gently caressing my forehead, and occasionally running up behind me with cymbals.  funny about things like that...they just keep at you like a woodpecker until you think to yourself, "ohhh - right...hmmm."  and then, just like that, the heat really gets turned on.  no excuses.  no looking away.  no preoccupation or procrastination.  trust me.  so my theory has always been that for many, there are many paths to take in life...you may start out on one, complete that journey, then move to the next.  rinse and repeat.  i had forgotten that i knew that though, until Sue turned me onto an amazing book by Stephen Cope, and within pages I was underlining, gasp, and writing notes in the margins.  i am on a deep think to find my new journey.  living life as it comes day-to-day, but devoting big blocks of quiet time to see what the next Next is.  i think i know, and it's probably obvious to anyone who knows me.  but being built the way i am, i need to know how to make it work before i leap in.  and that is just how i am.  i've been beehive busy with the fundraiser forEVAH but it will soon be come-and-gone, and that will leave me with just 1 more uber-important deadline of my own, but plenty of plotting time.  i will give you a hint:  it involves a workshop that will not change your life...but reveal it.  good, yes?

finding your calling

ever since i chucked my Big Girl job almost 2 years ago, I have had people ask me how I knew it was the right decision, or that they were going to do the same and make art all day and eat glitter sprinkles on chocolate cupcake dreams la la la.  not to be Debbie Downer, but that's not at all how days go. even eliminating a bulimic cat and spoiled dog with dementia from the equation, most days can run like today - it's almost 10am, i am still in my bathrobe - because I got up at 4:45am and started work.  on a saturday.  after working til 11pm last night. and didn't want to stop just to shower, get dressed, etc.  i live in an area that's far away enough to discourage drop-ins, and am crabby enough to just not answer the door/phone if i'm not expecting someone.  (don't try it - i won't answer). i have a deadline, and while that may sound sexy and appealing to some, it's a hair-pulling stress ride for me, despite carefully mapping every second of my days for the past, oh, two years.   there are moments, long moments, and daydreams, of waking up & slamming down coffee while walking the dog & simultaneously blow drying my hair AND shoveling 1' of snow off the car, then going into a cubicle in corporate America USA to type, collate and otherwise degrade my brain cells and my Self.  and i'm going to be honest with you right here, right now - i did make mewing noises at the door to my old job last week.  i wanted them to laugh and say "HIRE?? YOU?? BACK??"  but at the same time, the relief i felt at the thought of giving up control of the ship was startling.  And if my body was able, boy, I'd be rowing my dinghy to that freighter and latching on.  but alas, it is Q4 and no one hires in Q4.  And I ran into a blog by Lissa Rankin (not only an unbelievable encaustic artist, gynecologist, Woman's Woman).  and in this post, she talks about 7 myths about finding your calling.  and it bears a few moments reading.  especially if you want to leave the desk and Swingline behind.  ummm yeah, uh, i'm going to need you to just go ahead and watch this now...



anyway...it isn't all gloom & doom, I'm just tired and exhausted.  and have many many more hours to go.  3 projects being juggled right now.  but i come from a circus family, so that's just about right.  (you never knew?  yep - dad worked the carnival circuit for a while, while he was Finding His Calling FOR REAL this happened.  and my brother went to SF to circus school and also worked at Circus Vargas Traveling Menagerie very briefly).  maybe I'll run away and join the circus...do gypsy crystal ball readings.  hmmmmm.....

smoking is healthy

ok - post #2
smoking is healthy.  it's true.  when i smoked, my cholesterol was perfect, my weight was perfect.  my pulse, stress level, concentration...check check check perfect.  i am now 6 months into this quitting thing, and my annual physical revealed cholesterol levels that are way off, shortness of breath that is wheezy and un-funny, the concentration of a gnat with ADD and an espresso IV, and an ass the size of Arkansas.  I'm just sayin.  "they" have been wrong before.  i mean check out the NEW food pyramid, which is upside down from what it was when we were kids.  that's a big uh oh.  and i say all this here knowing full well that it's not the smoking (or non-smoking) it's the Entemann's and Dunkins.  and lattes.  i think.

eye eye eye

I just love these!  I have a pair coming in green.  which are lovely.   and remind me of a call I took when I worked at an insurance company...an older Russian man called, complaining that his prosthetic eye had broken and he took it to one of the "approved" repair places, but they "wanted to charge an arm and a leg."  I know - bad me.  but there are so many things like this every single day.  Today is my brother's birthday.  I was upset because I wanted to throw him a supercalifragilistic 50th birthdaay party, and couldn't.  there was no money, and he had to work and I didn't have time to plan the audacious fete that he deserves....and, as he informed me, he was turning 51.  oy.  no one in my family is ever sure how old they really are, but he seems certain, so there you have it.  every single one of my aunts and uncles and my dad, too, lied about their ages.  we never knew how old dad was.  ok, so i'm rambling right off the top.  it's been a rambling day, though.  productive, but seemingly random.  i will be spending the better part of tomorrow making labels for artwork, and trying to figure out transportation for a gi-normous piece that came in.  and next wednesday and friday, i have a guest post going up at Create Mixed Media.  maybe I'll learn brain surgery in my off time.
sleep well, dahlinks.  i'll keep an eye out for you.

just guess!

as a reward to myself for all this intensity, I am headed to NYC to meet up with my girlfriend and attend this workshop:

I plan to travel a lot more this coming year, as I am able.  There is so much going on in my body that is saying NO, that i have to say Really? HA!  and just do it.  so I am.  at least for this day.

this could be reaching or it could be drowning, depending on whether you've got a tendency to worry

these days, so so many people starting the cycle again...the "just leap" cycle....the assurance that you too can live the life of your dreams...that if you just believe it, it will happen.  it reminds me of a church i used to go to that would preach "name it and claim it" faith - if you believed hard enough and had strong enough faitth, then God would heal you or find a husband for you or that dream job or or or whatever.  If it didn't happen, then you didn't have enough faith.  so many people caught in the web of send me money and i'll tell you how to make your dreams come true - if it doesn't work, then well, you didn't try hard enough or missed a step somewhere.  send me more money and take workshop #2 or prayer chain to heaven or or or.  I say this - for free - do what you have the stomach to do...what does your gut say?  what risk are you able to take without a breakdown?  what are you willing to risk losing?    if you are willing to risk it all - your home, your life-as-you-know-it, then go for the big one - do it all.  if you need the certainty of a roof and warm food, then plan ahead for a way to keep those things - wait & save enough to cover those expenses.  yes it sucks to work all corporate when your heart is singing songs of paint and splatter, but food and warmth are nice too.  I try to stay positive, but it just isn't my nature, so i'll say that i have really truly come to dislike the Dream Peddlers...those who want to sell you your own dreams...those who gloss over the realities of your own life and make everything wrapped in chocolate and glitter - just to pay their own bills.  sorry - this isn't the way you hoped to wake up, but i had two separate emails waiting for my coffee to open my eyes this morning.  both of them aimed at tugging my heart to talk to my brain softly and beg it to hand over a sum of money to be shown The Way.  know this: that just because a person is an artist, a crafter, a blog friend, a facebook friend, a church friend does not mean they won't take your money under grey-ish circumstances. and don't get me wrong - i think the age of miracles is still going strong...i believe there are those who will stand up in the middle of a power point and say "ENOUGH," and grab some free office supplies and go home forever.  and a year or two later, they'll be on Letterman hawking their new book or having their work ensconced in the Smithsonian or whatever.  but be careful from whom you take your lessons.  be very judgmental about who you will entrust to teach you how to get your dreams off the ground.  and there is a lot to learn before you leap, or while you are flapping off the edge.  my strong advice has always been to learn while someone else is paying you - night classes, meetings with support crew and accountants to learn how to set up your files and banking, investigating at least two suppliers for every material you need (trust me here), while you are still sitting at the corporate dinner table.  this is off track again.  my point is, don't wake me up to shine a light in my eyes unless there's a fire...i think it is wrong wrong wrong of  someone to base their living around talking you into choices that are not right for you, or are not the right timing for you.  and then when the poop hits the fan, they can step out of the way because you are an adult and should know your own boundaries and limitations and risk quotients and slide rulers and projections.  it will never be on them, as they count their money.  i really think i should drink decaf in the morning.  okay - you're on your own.

my friends

In the next chunk of time i have to call my own, I will be stripping down my website and re-doing it in The Coolest way!  I'm moving stuff, changing other stuff, and will have a section devoted to art by my friends.  Is that not the best, I ask?  There are so many fabulous people I know who make The Best Artwork - stuff I'd spend mortgage money on.  So why not share?  I'll feature each for a month, then pffft gone, so buy quick if you like...see it, like it, buy it.  Bam.  watch for it.

retreat!

I have determined that, despite a very long number of days away making art and prancing about in a tutu, i need an art retreat.  I am thinking about a weekend at my brother's hotel, complete with spa services.  my vision is to being knitting and embroidery only.  there are far too many choices banging on my studio door begging to be picked.  i would enjoy the meditative quality of embroidery, and knitting would be okay too - portability is the word for the day.  Although, it's almost time for Mr. Bear Grylls husband to go to his He-Man Woman Hatin' huntin' camp for many weekends, so i may just host an art party here.  no spa treatments, but no packing.  or worries about bed bugs.  which i was worried about til i realized i had changed shampoos and this one was not agreeing with me.  but you can imagine the freak out.  absolutely pathological.  ok today is supposed to be a day to just make some art. i have a Very Important Show in january, and need to make oh, 10-15 pieces for it.  in between all the other.  and poochie is vomiting again.  let's hope that's random.  The floor looks fabulous - husband finished the hardwoods in the bedroom! gorgeous.  and bulimia cat is having a riot racing into the room and skidding on the area rugs.  dorky cat that he/she is.  okay - time to get my monday on.
"welcome to the working week....I know it don't thrill you, I hope it don't kill you..."
from Elvis Costello

quietly confident and extremely joyful BAM!

from Brave Girls....

Last week, I learned that I am lovable.  so now i tell YOU - you are most lovable too.
f'reals

post #2

geez - nothing nothing nothing then BAM! two posts in one daypart!  so here is The picture that started it all.......

yes.  that is me being a fairy.  the kind that grants wishes, not the tooth kind.  i was promoted from forest fairy, which, as you know, is a huge honor and i took my duties very seriously.  mostly.  and something interesting you may not know is that never not ever should you give alcohol to a promoted forest fairy.  hunh.  who knew? many wishes were granted in CT, and there are many more that are on the way but needed a little more time to germinate.  Judi - you did not get what you specifically asked for because there is something better coming and fairies can't always control the mail and such, so do not add this to your list of Things That Never Work Out For Me Because I'm Not Special Enough.  You are More Than Special, and that is the cause of the delay.  much discussion around this one.   and-  i never realized quite how curious and how unbelieving humans are - the number one question asked was: where are your wings?  and i have to say How Rude because never not once did i say Where Are Your Legs, yet you were clearly standing there in front of me, right?  but had you looked, i was hovering, so there you have it.  Rudeness forgiven, but in looking for the obvious, you missed the magical bits.  I spent a day with an Australian woman and an English woman (from England!) and  began to talk like them for a while.  It's bloody fun, mate, try it!  you can say an outrageous thing, and it sounds like whipped cream and cherries.  like "Oh those bloomers don't suit you in the least!"  and the person laughs.  i didn't say that, but it's an example.  I also met a woman named Linda (different Linda) who makes dolls, although the truth is, they are vessels for fairies who don't want to take a human form with all it's management and upkeep.  they are beautiful-ish, and she gifted me my very own Glorious!  she will be helping with a Large Fun Project i have on the middle burner.  i have a lot of cooking going on, believe me.  i never knew wish granting would be so busy.

a little something

where in the world...???

have I been???  in Connecticut.  making art.  and although i just got in the door, i need a nap, food, and i have to help husband finish the hardwood floor in our bedroom before i can debrief here.  bt be assured that i have some tales to tell and some ExCiTiNg news!

monday post #2

Can I just say that I know the most wonderful people ever created.  not some - all.  I am totally gobsmacked on a regular basis with their generosity, caring, kindness, creative expression, and general immense capacity to find the best that life has to offer and fling it around for everyone to share.

i believe that's all i have to say right now.

click to enlarge

Open publication - Free publishing - More beth baldwin

out of the closet

yep.  i'm outting myself.  as a chubby girl.  i was talking to a friend the other night, and she said it just felt so delicious once she realized she would never be thin again - not the kind of thin that shows up in magazines.  not the kind of thin that she and I once were, that's nearly impossible to maintain with the help of major blocks of workout time, minor portions of food, and prescription help.  yes.  we wore size zero.  nothing.  zero.  is that even a size? but as life and age and circumstance and quitting bad habits and forming other good habits and so many twists and turns came and went - we became chubby girls.  and we both realized at the same time that it was pointless to pretend otherwise...pointless to try to be size 2-wearing 20 year olds.  we simply aren't, and that thought is so ridiculous that i'm laughing out loud right now.  here, wait.  ok, better.  there has been so so much in-between that there is no holding on to that 20-year old ideal.  even 20-year olds don't hold it.  and there really is so much more going on.  so anyway, back to the conversation with my friend.  she said she felt giddy and kept calling herself "chubby" when she talked to people.  and she realized that "this must be what a gay person feels when they admit to the world their big secret."  and in both cases, didn't people already guess??  so yes, we outted each other, laughed our asses off, and had a Skinny Cow ice cream.  because I still have 1000 of them in the fridge.  and they are good.  the sad thing is that since i stopped watching what i eat and relaxed on the whole weight issue - my new chubby girl pants don't fit so good now.  they are a bit large.  and i'm worried that i'll start losing weight before i get to wear all my new Lane Bryant stuff.  is it ever just easy??

i know - my posting has been random, rambling and super uninteresting.  it has been a rambling, random and super uninteresting but highly explosive few weeks for me, and i've been trying to limit the casualties - my blog being one of them, but y'all know that i am a creature of habit, and can't help myself.  i just can't.  so life has swung from beautiful and introspective, to some sort of wild carnival ride that no one is tending.  and i know from what i speak, having been stuck on the Scrambler with my cousin barfing all over me and the ride operator (fresh from incarceration, no doubt) chatting up some chickie and not paying attention till the cold slap of something wet-and-not-his finally made target with his arm, side, best shoes, and the general public in line.  But i digress.
my life has been consumed with planning the upcoming fundraiser.  and haunting Lane Bryant.  I leave for a week of art retreating next wednesday, and am like a kid who's been told too early that the family is going to Disney.  i am mostly packed, supply-wise, and have no idea what to bring clothing-wise.  i can't find my fall/winter clothes, and suspect most of them won't fit.  last winter the tags said "8" or "10."  and it's so bizarre working on a fundraiser for an eating disorder resource center because i worry that i have a disorder, rather than a concern (because i may be a nervous freak, but don't think i have an eating disorder, but what do i know?) and worry that any mention of it will set off an alarm somewhere - sort of like having an afternoon hanging out with a priest or a psychic...everytime i talk about my weight or sizes, i think they might throw me into therapy.  much like it feels like the priest or psychic can see your soul, so you have to be careful, which is as hard for me as spending time with little kids - they repeat everything, and by the end of the day, you just want to stand on a chair, and in your loudest outdoor voice scream the "F" word at the top of your lungs just to let off steam.  and i love words.  all words. and their origins and ideas they convey and how inflection and context can make a difference and how a person's background and upbringing can make a difference in how a word is perceived or received. (i've had no upbringing, so have a clean slate).  words are alive and like an art supply to me.  Like George Carlin said, "there are no bad words. Bad People, bad intention.  But words are just words."  and yet i don't want to offend with talk of weight and size and former size, when i'm with people who may be nervous about that line of conversation.  so here, in my own forum, where i write the words and rules, i will tell you this: being fat is disappointing to me, yet I haven't felt this free in years.  ahhh.  there.  i said it.  yes - i look at pictures of myself when i was thinner and wish for it again, but pointing my day around eating the "right" food and working out and counting calories and weighing myself and and and...it was exhausting and nerve-wracking.  and i am not at all fooled by those 100-calorie packs of snacks with big pictures and microscopic cookies the size of a contact lens. and if the science is correct, the stress of it all probably loosened up enough cortisol to increase my waistline by another 4 inches.  i feel happier and sadder.  it is a relief to stop trying to fight menopause and quitting smoking and metabolism and heredity just to fit into last year's (week's??) jeans.  and my fear of not finding stylish clothes for a larger size has been blown away, so now i can relax a bit.  do i plan to eat all the cake in all the northeast?  no.  but i will have a slice when i want it and not think a single thing about it.  other than "Damn! this is good!" and it is true that i really don't enjoy seeing pictures of myself.  it is true that i see the chubby cheeks and the jowls and the jacked-up teeth (thanks to a really bad dentist who finally retired before i could stalk him down) and the tired eyes...i could go on all day.  but the weird thing about all these words is that they are not internalized to the depth you may think.  i am still the same person i was in those "skinny" pictures....i am still the same person i was when my tags had single digits.  but the responses i get from people have changed.  things that i would say when i was thinner / younger / whateverer get a much different response.  it's almost like wearing a costume...you forget that people can't tell who it is behind the eyes.  i am inside looking out - you are outside, seeing my body, my face, etc.  as we talk.  I don't think about the perception people may have of fat people - they should be jolly or mean or grateful that you want to be their friend, pick one.  so if i'm being coy...who do i think i am?? fat people are not sexy.  they are sloppy and over-indulgent and don't care enough about themselves to....lose weight.  just lose weight.  so on behalf of myself - my fat, over-50 self - i would like to say this: I am beautiful because it is my heart and spirit that will transcend...i have fought LifeBattles that bear listening to...i have wisdom you may need...i will accept you - even if you're skinny :)
and that is my post for today.  how we ended up here, i will never begin to figure out.  i was going to write about puppies.  but i know that there is someone that needed a grain of what was in there today...someone who needs to stop looking in the mirror in the bathroom, and turn out the lights, close their eyes and take a deep breath and smile - make yourself smile, and hold that position for a few minutes until it isn't forced...and then just listen to what your heart has to say to you, sweet one, because i promise you - yes, it's you i'm talking to - i promise that it is okay and that you are exactly who you need to be for your Place here, your Direction...there is a reason for the darkness and it will be clear in hindsight...but you do indeed have a purpose, and that purpose needs you to be exactly.who.you.are.today.  warts and all.  yes, you can call. but do the smile thing first.

some prettttty amazing things have happened since the Magic Dressing Room incident.  a transformation of All Things.  Attitude truly is everything.  And mine is pretty damn sassy.  and things just seem more in alignment...back to center.  When i used to figure skate, there was a spin i did that involved extending one leg behind at a slight angle, bending backwards, and lifting my arms upwards.  i know, right?  plunk.  plunk.  plunk.  and my instructor (a horrible man) would scream "center yourself for godssake! center!" over the loudspeaker from his toasty little room above the ice.  Wha? i'm 10 years old, freezing, it's 6am and i have to go to school in and hour but didn't study for a test that i have and he wants me to CENTER?  what did that mean anyway?  breath taken, tears wiped, ice removed from butt, skate skate skate, build speed, turn into it - shoulder leads the way, breath, think only of the shoulder - it will lead you - clear everything else from thoughts, and begin the grace.  the extended foot was counterbalance.  once you got that part, the rest seemed to make sense.  the girls that tried to get showy with the leg always fell.  horribly.  (toe pick stuck and stopped in ice, body still rotating. it's physics)  not enough counterbalance, and BAM. when you arched the back, there was nothing to keep you upright.  the arms?  upward to stay out of the way.  and for grace.  so without the element of counterbalance, there's no hope of completing the maneuver.  without the arch, there is no maneuver to complete.  and the graceful swan-arms just make it seem so effortless. but in order to get there, you have to dig in dig in build up just the right amount of speed, then be willing to go up on 1 thin edge of a tiny blade, and push your shoulder against where gravity is taking you.  once you make that first effort, your arm will follow your shoulder...your hip will follow your arm and shoulder, and soon you will make the most beautiful expression of movement.  but - you must remain in center in order to hold it.  or plunk.

wishing you strength and stamina to break through where gravity may take you.....

awakening

new hair?

we'll see on tuesday if Kendalia thinks I can rock the Elfman do.  I am just tired of spending so much time tied to a blow dryer.

We're already in the new age, she said to me. What does that mean? I said & she laughed. It means you can stop waiting & start living, she said, but after she left I waited a little while more just to be safe -Brian Andreas, StoryPeople

shame shame shame

shame on me.  here i am working on a fundraiser for an eating disorders resource center, and I am weeping into my pillow at night because of my post-smoking weight gain.  there are some hard, ugly truths to be exposed here, so do not read on if you are looking for a post filled with the good and sparkly parts of me.  i've been in the cellar of my soul the past few weeks, and can tell you there is a lot of mildew.  and this is one of the stinky parts.

I have never not ever looked at someone and noticed anything but their heart - didn't make an impact if they were black, white, heavy, thin, etc... unless there was something completely outstanding about their physical features, I didn't pay much attention - sort of "duly noted" and move on.  except when i looked at myself.  i saw every zit and wrinkle and flaw...every bump of cellulite, every grey hair...every imperfection - real or perceived.  and yet, i never saw those same things in other people, which made it all the more lonely being the imperfect one.  strangely, though, my inner spirit ignored all this stupid chatter, and my HeartWork went on - just not focused toward my own physical being...i could read others and love others and show them how their bodies were absolutely perfect in whatever form they chose, but i struggled to accept my changing figure.  maybe it all came on too sudden?  maybe the timing was strangely in synch with dealing with some Bad Inner Child issues?  who could know?  i do know that right about the time i realized it was time to stop dressing like the progeny of Steven Tyler and Stevie Nicks, my ass and stomach exploded out two sizes in about 10 days.  it was like the Nutty Professor when the potion was wearing off, and Buddy Love was changing back into Professor Clump.   So here it is autumn.  my favorite time of year, and i pull out my sweaters and leggings to get ready for crispy evening weather.  and there is No Way any of my beloved sweaters will fit.  no possible way my corduroys and flannels will fit.  in fact, it looks like these are someone else's clothes.  and i stood naked in the mirror for the first time in a while and just looked.  and shame on me, i wept.  you should know that i was a figure skater til my late teens, and couldn't keep weight on.  i graduated high school at 89 pounds.  i stayed active and my weight stayed at 101 and below for most of my life.  i married my (current) husband when i was size 4.  that was 11 years ago.  that was before Lexapro and cooking for a family and all manner of stress and quitting smoking/gaining weight/starting smoking to lose weight/quitting smoking again and gaining on top of gaining.  so here i stand at size 14.  the person who had an internal motto that size does not matter.  and many of the people i know would laugh, saying they passed size 14 years ago.  and all i wanted was a pair of jeans that fit.  that fit like they should.  that didn't cut off my breath if i bent over.  that didn't pinch my girl parts till they were numb.  that weren't bagging in the butt in order to fit the waist.  and speaking of waist - jeans that were cut for a bigger girl and not just a larger size of skinny girl pants.  i do not need a waistband so low that i have to shave my bikini area in order to wear them.  i did that back in the late 60's, early 70's when the fashion came around the first time, and i could actually SEE my bikini area.  and i had a feeling that if i could find clothes that were cut for my body, and that were stylish (just say NO to stretch pants and poly), then i could get back to the business of not caring, because i would be COMFORTABLE.  so with grim determination, a chip on my shoulder, and 3 credit cards, i went to the Good Mall...Macy's, Saks, JCPenney.  had it all covered.  after 3 exhausting hours getting stuck in jeans and shirts and sweaters and not finding anything but shoes, i wandered up the mall, headed to Michael Kors.  on the way, a funny thing happened.  I walked into Lane Bryant.  the store that has been the epitome of unnaturally fibered stretch pants in lilac or white, with animal print stretchy shirts, banded at the bottom.  that was my vision anyway.  au contraire, mon frere.  it was like a treasure trove of clothes made For Me!  the sales people were My Size...the clothes were up-to-the-minute fashionable (well, a few not so muches, but mostly) and they were cut for big girls.  and they start at size 14 - a size that i realized i was just an hour before.  i had been a 12 a few days ago.  tomorrow, who knows?  but today?  i have jeans.  so they loaded up a dressing room for me, and i took a deep breath and went in.  it had not been the best of shopping days, and i couldn't face another disaster.  i tried on the tone-on-tone subtle denim leopard pants....(picture from Lane Bryant catalog online)...(just look at that Real Girl ASS!) (sorry)

they fit like they were made for me!!! this was remarkable.  yes, a part of me was sad that i was shopping in the heavy girl store, but the parts that weren't being squeezed were very happy.  the clerk asked how i was doing, and as i opened the door to show her, a big tear slid down my cheek. (now look, this has been a Really Bad week for me in other respects, and i am fragile & emotional on top of this shopping deal.  it's not like i think there are no worse things).  i squeaked out "they fit" and the clerk grabbed me and wedged me into the crevice of her bosom.  i was trapped in a strange woman's bosom.  but what the hell, you know?  sometimes it's okay.  better than okay.  it was a sister thing.  so a frenzy of clothing try-ons began.  did you know they even make their own underpants for big girls? and they fit way different.  and everything is much more expensive, but damn it - it FITS.  it FITS.  so today i went to the Lane Bryant website and God help me - they have heavy models.  and. they. are. beautiful.  beautiful.  and in that moment i knew, i just knew, that i will never not ever be a size 2 or 4 or any other single digit again.  and that it so didn't matter. that i could be beautiful and short and have a zit and bad hair and cellulite and all manner of not-so-perfect things AND be a size what-effing-ever.  and none of that would even matter, ever, to me again.  it was put to rest.  i could just let the light out again...air out the cellar and let the fresh air flow through again.  amazing what a good pair of jeans can do for a person.

just a quick thank you to everyone who has called.

Be peaceful whenever possible.  It is always possible.

yeah, wanna - gotta!

yesterday - spent time in the forest with some deer, and down by a pond - some beaver had built a home.  the sun shone through the trees just enough to warm the air, but there was still a chill of impending autumn to be felt.  not much color change in the leaves, and i wonder how the dry summer will effect that.  some moments...

friday post #2

photo by Thea Coughlin

Five years ago, I took a leap of faith and courage, poured my anxious & sweaty self into my car and drove 7.5 hours to the woods of New Hampshire for an art retreat.  i knew no one.  I was covered in poison ivy.  my husband was uncertain if he would be there when i returned.  but much like the turtle compelled to crack the egg and head for the sea, i was compelled to do this.  no matter how darn difficult.  and there were 1000 reasons to stay home and comfortable, albeit itchy.  but it truly was meant to be.  it was where i met my family.  aren't they beautiful, each and every one?  this is the first year since then that I haven't returned.  so many reasons large & small. but all the same, my spirit is there in the woods, and the absolute compulsion and yearning to be with my family is as strong as the tides.  I wish for you peacefulness, gentleness, wisdom, and laughter that makes you pee your pants.  

you seriously do not need to hit me over the head much more

freak me out!

it just seems so cool....go here

In case you missed it, The Ophelia's Place fundraiser / Art show will be November 3 at 407 Tulip Street, Village of Liverpool, NY  from 5-9pm.  There are approximately 100 pieces of artwork for sale, with proceeds to support Ophelia's Place.  Please join us if you are local.  If you aren't able to, please send a word of encouragement to Mary Ellen and Jodie, who have done A Good Thing here.

isn't this place so cool??  (click to enlarge)

today.  may we hold our hearts quietly for a few moments...respectfully...gratefully...and thankful for those who gave it all, and remembering those from whom all was taken, and those who ran the wrong way.  mermaids and otherwise.

some quotes from an early morning

"Anyone can slay a dragon, she told me, but try waking up every morning and loving the world all over again.  that's what takes a real hero."  Brian Andreas, StoryPeople

"when you have done all that you can, be let it be enough." Brave Girls

"stop."  Jupiter the cat

"HALT" Jodie the amazing person

"Be inwardly outrageous...discover your own goodnes...describe yourself as marvelous...you are enough, you have enough, you do enough..." SARK

and the word "audacious" and all that it encompasses.  from my mermaid friend Kateriina ~ we are connected and I thank you.

for anyone feeling sad today, i give you this: (minus the Pantene commercial)


the insides might be as black as the night, but at the end of the tunnel there's light...

cozy

spent the afternoon lazy....too much to do + no sleep for 3 days =overwhelmed.  So i got a few things to the post office, picked up Diva at Camp Grandma's, and did some easy, gentle cool things that i wanted to do.  tonight, i will definitely be taking a sleeping pill.  Not something i like to do, but it is needed.  i know myself, and will begin to devolve in ugly and irrevocable ways if i don't get some sleep.  and it's past the point of being tired, so time to call in professional strength help.  i spent a few hours this afternoon cozy comfy in my new papasan chair in the official Cozy Corner, with my "homework" for a new vessel assemblage, and the Most Amazing Quilt Evah.  I have a friend, Gail, who is a quilting rock star.  we met at a quilt shop, waaay back when, and i admired her color sense (all colors go with all colors) and her design ability (a-mazing).  But most of all, I admire her ability to finish things.  we signed up for a class that I had no business taking.  it was medium density difficult, but it had so so many things to sew together.  sooo many.  and of course, midway through the day, i just abandoned my project and wandered around, depriving everyone else of their concentration, and generally running errands.  a little bit after the class, i knew i would never finish this quilt, but the fabric was awesome and expensive, so i gave it to Gail.  fast forward to 2008 (i told you it was a while ago!) and it's my birthday.  and Gail hands me this big gi-normous box.  i unwrap a quilt that Gail made me out of the unfinished project (she finished it even better than the original!) which she name "Full Circle."  I was blown away.  blown away.  people never make art for artists, it seems.  but we like art.  and i love this quilt for everything that it is, and all that it represents.  when i look at it, i hear Gail laughing (usually at me!) and think about her incredibly decorated house that just oozes her personality.  so, i think everyone should have a Gail in their life, and you should appreciate them with everything you have in you, because they are thoughtful, clear-hearted, and kind.

Adirondack weekend

With the sun blasting through the clouds like this....

it's a lucky sign that something good is coming...Like free use of a friend's log home in the Adirondacks, next to a waterfall and stream...

the view from the master bedroom....

ummm, no - i'm not roughing it

 These little guys were everywhere...turns out, they are not a good thing to pet....

but these looked pet-able...

now, a few weeks to wait for the leaves to change!

holy jupiter

so perhaps asking a cat for help deciding on life's biggest questions seems a bit, unethical?  no that's not the word.  sketchy?  dodgy? disrespectful to the depth of the question/quandry?  silly?  not too bright?  oy.  anyway.  i spent some idle time noodling around the world wide web (rather than ticking off chores from my list which is being crunched by time) and ended up asking a black cat named jupiter a question that i had previously dared not form in my mind.  and Jupiter replied: Allow The Crumbling.
amazingly right on for a cartoon representation of what i assume is a real cat, even if it's very real owner is a wonderful person.  Allow The Crumbling.  which is the perfect answer, of course.  all along, i've felt the need to force, decide, weigh, prop up, plan, etc.  Instead, Allow The Crumbling is brilliant.  When the crumbling is complete, what will stand will be the strongest part.  the un-crumblable.  sturdy. invincible.  whichever way the cookie crumbles, the strengths will remain, and just the strengths.  (like the raisins or chocolate chips - they don't crumble).  and if the strengths bear no resemblance to what is important to my goal, then there will be my answer - and it will come about naturally, not by my hand.  not with my intervention and perhaps a bit of unintentional influence. so i will wait till it seems like the crumbling of this particular situation has completed, then...decide and weigh.  but not force.   no never.

every revolution needs a manifesto, right?

yes,  it does.  so here's as good a manifesto as you will ever need.....

looking for clothes that actually fit?


a quote from a friend:

She’s a dreamer, a thinker, a fearless freak. She’s passionate in a way that is not contrived. She has traveled through the dark realms but she chooses to neither be ruled by them nor dismiss them, because she knows the world is also full of light and wisdom and breath. And she laughs really loud. A lot.

now go shop here.....oh how I love this woman!

wednesday post #2

add to the list of things accomplished:
birthing 25 baby turtles and getting them to the water before the owls and Cooper came for lunch.
(no pictures - it was a bit frantic)
Turtles signal a time of fertile creativity and sensitivity to the Earth's consciousness.  I accept and am grateful for 25 answers and confirmations.

today, my to-do list was really more of a compilation...a list of lists, sort of.  a long line of things I Should Have Done in the past week, two weeks maybe.  three at the most.  but instead, had opted out.  perhaps a pillow day.  maybe a little unplanned chaos.  whatever it was, brought me to the list of today. which was huge.
and my pillow looked good.  but it was crunch time and deadline time on a few of the items that were of uber importance to me and a host of others that were counting on me.
so, with a very small spoon, i dug in, convinced that i would just sample a few of the tastier items, then nap.
well, one thing led to another.  and here's the part of my list that i got done:
poured resin for 12 necklaces
pulled resin out of my hair (damn it! note to self - RUBBER BANDS)
called Kendalia to beg for hair appointment to fix above mentioned item (neglected to mention       problem)
secured storage space
wrote 4 press releases
wrote 1 magazine article
sent 24 emails (business)
sent 17 emails (non-business)
downloaded Adele 21 to iPod
answered 32 emails (business)
made 14 phone calls (mix biz & personal)
cleaned up cat vomit
ate breakfast (not related to above, but way overdue)
actually showered and washed hair (now have a large tangle where resin was/is) (cried)

not a bad morning.  i now plan to:
walk Diva
write 2 workshop proposals
figure out what to make for dinner
shop for above, since i forgot to defrost anything or just buy ready-made from Paul at Wegmans
finish altered book that must be in the mail tomorrow (what just WHAT was I thinking??)
try to find a corporate sponsor to pay for a cake for a fundraiser i'm doing.

then nap.

i won't let that list pile up again, i can assure you of that!
(yeah right)

there's an empty quiet to the street...summer is officially over, kids are sleeping in that one last day.

I woke up at 5am, before the light had come around from the other side of the world.  i sat at the dining room table, looking out onto the rhododendron and ligularia...the sweet chocolate smell of the liggies flower wafting in the window with the cool air...wrapping a Very Special hand-knit shawl around my shoulders, smelling a trace of NH woodsmoke in it...planning my day and week...a good start to the day...Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable.....

lots of hanging out this weekend...time by the Lake, riding bikes along the shore... Seigrid &Shasta.....

falcons...diva joins a gang...making salsa...cooking...movies...bonfires...slushy wines...painting...kayaking...more slushy wine...all-in-all a good couple of days.

lake day

and closer to home...