pass the alcohol please

i don't claim to know everything, but i have had some experience in some issues that, when they occur, would make you turn immediately to me for advice. as in - this could only happen to Linda...i'll call her. and the thing is, you would think that after learning a particular lesson, i would be able to recall the end result and apply it to other similar experiences about to occur. you would be wrong. take for instance the absolute fact that diva will only feel calm-ish in the tub, should thunder occur. i don't question it, and in the middle of the night when a thunderstorm hits, you'll find me sleeping in the bathroom with her ... she in the tub, me on the cool tile floor. the hard, cool tile floor. because she is my love and i am a freak. so you would think that just before i applied hair color this afternoon, and heard the thunder and saw the cowering fluffball at my feet, you'd think that i would connect the inevitable dots and realize that the minute i needed the tub to rinse the color out, she would need the tub to feel safe. you would be wrong, had you thought that. and for a few minutes, just before the color dripped into my eye, as i bent over the cool porcelain with the handheld shower thingie rinsing out color and creating about 3 inches of water the color of Garnier Brown Sugar it all seemed fine. then i felt something on my right side, and heard SpLaSh. it's a coin toss who was more surprised. but, my white dog was getting brownish around the hemline, and i was helpless to stop her from jumping out and running to another spot of safety. it was easy to find her 10 minutes later as i dripped now-rinsed hair through the house. i just followed the footprints. to the closet. on top of the dry cleaner bag. yes. grateful, in a sense, that we haven't yet changed out the Very Brady avocado shag carpet, but seeing that the area just outside the bathroom was now Buttercream AND Brown Sugar was just so much sad. and you certainly can't blame the dog. but i really wished there was someone else to blame besides myself. yes. the cat was having none of it, taking a luxurious spit bath and wondering how i would clean this one up. water seemed to spread it, and there was still the issue of containing the damages, since at any moment, the paws could panic and race around the house again. so i tell you, it is not a savings to color your hair at home. that sense of satisfaction - a myth. and now i'm afraid to spray anything on it, lest it mix with the color chemicals and blow up the house. learn from this.

eek yike really? has it been that long since i posted?? well, my apologies. so much and so little has been happening, it's hard to keep up. where to start? okay - first, a luscious, juicy book you must own. MUST. i sat in B&N hugging it, trying to decide if i should sit there for 3 hours in the parking lot reading it and drooling like some woman who lives in her car, or race through grocery shopping to get home to read it & pet it. i went with choice #2. mistake. every person in my zip code was shopping. EVERY. but i made it. and i highly prize this book. it came to it's forever home with me just in time...i've been working like Gepetto on jewelry for some upcoming shows/festivals, and haven't touched a single drop of collagination since the gallery show. this has me feeling that nagging out-of-sorts kinda feeling, but just a little bit, like i want to clone myself so i can make this jewelry AND collage. i feel like i was growing so much in that work, and now feel like "gel medium? what's that again?" But i'm hoping to start slapping some paint around very soon. i have to say that a combination of factors have wizarded their way into my life, and marriage-wise....it is what i wished for 10 years ago. yes i said that. we are together a lot, and not killing each other. we are talking....actually talking. i think the level of respect has risen considerably, and the appreciation for each other abounds. i am ever grateful for the time i have working as an artist, and not hearing or feeling any pushback or pressure. this has me swooning. i cannot tell you how very very sad it was to live in this house the past bunch of years. but it was. and i don't say that for pity or sainthood. i am glad i listened to my inner voice that told me to stay, even as i looked at houses and apartments and made plans to leave and bought coffee makers and tupperware and sheets and spoons and hid them elsewhere. and even as friends probably tired of the stay/go/stay cycle of my life, i couldn't move one way or the other until i had peace about the decision. and neither felt right. so what's a person to do? but i'm here and happy and diva's happy. so why am i feeling a twinge of "out of sorts?" it's gets lonesome sometimes. i'm used to being in a group of people, no matter how annoying they are, or i am to them. there is always a coffee break. there is always a joke to tell. there is always someone working next to me to listen to the sound of their voice. as much as i am grateful beyond grateful for where my life is now, i am pretty much alone all day. and that gets distracting. and i find myself getting too far into my own head at times. there's a lot to be said for a random Hello call from a friend, or a chatty email. there really is. no, i'm not anywhere in the Depression Zone. just in need of mindless conversation from time to time. or even juicy and deep conversation. i'll even do your laundry if you stay & chat. my house has never been this clean. the laundry has never been this up-to-date. folded and put away. yes. i said that. the dog has been walked to within an inch of her life. the cat runs when s/he sees me. i long for our old landline so i can talk to telemarketers. okay, now you know i'm totally exaggerating, right? it's just a rainy day, with a husband on a rare out-of-town trip to a fabulous Adirondack town. and i'm 1 shade of light blue, but have a billion things to do, so shouldn't be wasting your time with this monologue. the short version is: i am good. better than good. reading this blog does not constitute keeping in touch. i miss you. i'm excited for things about to happen. my diva is yowling like the little wolf she is, and i have to go throw Squeaky Mouse With The Light Up Eyes before that dog explodes. current favorite tea: Constant Comment yummm! listening to BB King, Aztec 2-step and Aerosmith. Trying not to listen to Jonatha Brooke, as it would make me homesicky.

didja ever wake up on your bathroom floor and wonder, "how the hell did i get here??" yeah, well, add to that, a terrified diva dog who feels comfort only when her quaking little furbody is laying across your head. the origin of the saying "hair of the dog" no doubt. well, among the things that frighten poor diva (and the list is endless), among those items, under "t" is thunder. and last night out of the blue, with no warning, around 2am REM-sleep time, there was an explosion, of sorts, in the sky. 1 loud BANG right over our house. huge bang. the house shook kind of bang. like, who's got the meth lab, loud bang. no rain. no nothing spritzing. just bang and FLASH. so it was the flash/bang that got her going. uncle Bill was so sweet with her, trying to soothe her nerves (i could have told him he was in for the long haul) but she was not to be calmed. after about 15 minutes, the rain finally caught up, bringing lesser attempts of thunder & lightning, so any promises of "all gone" were seen for the sham that they were. so after an hour, i did the only thing i knew would help...grabbed my pillow and her woobie, and followed her to the bathroom, where she promptly jumped into the tub and cowered. (sidenote: who the heck design a house with a skylight right over the toilet?? i do not want to be found charbroiled in the tinkletorium).) i settled down for a nice comfy sleep on the tiles. i was too tired to bother with any padding, having quite enough natural waddle to cushion anything. bath sheets and an extra bathrobe for blankets. and i was tired enough to fall into a nice sleep. and for many short hours, it worked, despite the clawless cat trying to wear a hole in the door to see what the party was about. it almost worked. till the "angels bowling" really turned competitive. and around 4am, diva had to pee. it seemed quiet, so we headed to the door, she bolted out, heard a boom, turned tail and ran back in. i tried the old, "let's go out front" trick, as if it's all different weather out there. and it was working till 1 little paw touched driveway, and a blinding flash scurried her back in. i begged her to just go tinkle in the garage, but she is a Good Girl. so i feel for her, but can't help. right now, we're in the livingroom with the chocolate brown velvet curtains drawn tight to keep the flash out, and the tv on to try to block out some boomers, but they are persistant. the weather report is ugly. i will be cleaning carpet today, i have no doubt. and can i say this? as awesome as Uncle Bill was with little diva who torments his very life, one of the first things he did from a dead sleep was grab the remote and check the weather channel. for real. and remarked that there was nothing showing on the map. as if we were having a communal dream/nightmare, possibly from the chicken i made last night that may have been a tad undercooked. just a few degrees maybe. but enough to induce heartburn and cramping. so maybe it was a blessing that i was already in the bathroom, just in case. the local weather map shows it may be ending soon. i say "feh" and will believe it when i see it. and for the record, and apropos of nothing...if i see that incredibly annoying & poorly written Arby's commercial 1 more time....

breakfast break

ok - maybe i'm getting old, or maybe i just love Chai so much, i was willing to try to choke down oatmeal that was Chai Spice in order to get a chai fix, but... i tried this Chai Spiced Oatmeal and i am hooked. an addict. got to have it. the oatmeal itself is a good consistency - no wallpaper pastey stuff, no drippy, icky stuff. perfect. and i love that the envelope is also the measuring container for the water! and that they have sugar-free options. and that the flavors are Just Right - i don't feel like i'm eating some candy-coated mess. (i mean, come on...a chocolate covered sticky mess of a breakfast bar....nutritious?? just what are they feeding us?). so, i don't work for the company )or really any other company) but think you may like this....mmmmmmmm

good morning! after a few weeks of adjustments, it seems my body may be heading back to it's normal early bird routine, which is a blessing. (this is not a picture of my adjusted body. this is the cat). now that i can nap if need be throughout the day, getting up early feels right. last week i lazy-bones until 8-ish, but then felt like i had wasted a good chunk of productive hours of the day. and strangely, i was tired tired tired all day, needing to nap by 2pm, and sleeping for 2-3 hours. i would fall asleep again not long after dinner. the one thing i notice is that i am mostly fine throughout the day, but will sometimes get such a lonely streak. having had my entire working life surrounded by other people to take a chat break with, or working in radio where it's my j-o-b to talk, there are moments now where chatting with diva just doesn't fill the bill. speaking of which, she is entirely pissed off at me. my plan had been to be able to give her 2-3 Very Good Walks a day. it hasn't worked out so well. the weather has been downright snotty - high winds, rain & snowlets & mini-sleet - and she's all curled up next to me snoring and i just feel so cozy and not at all motivated to layer on the clothing and rainboots to go out into that stuff for an hour. so we pretty much do the necessary potty breaks and then back to shelter. she's getting grumpy and stiff, so i need to plan at least 1 good walk and 1 mini-walk into our day. she doesn't care much for play, lately...her idea of a game is to fetch her toy, but go hide it in her lair after 1 toss. game over. then she looks at me like "ok what next." i'm home today, and we're taking PSD out for dinner: an all-you-can-eat crab leg dealio at a nearby restaurant. this, in honor of the beginning of the new season of Deadliest Catch. i know - very geekified. but it's the one TV show husband and i can agree on, even though neither of us watches too much TV. i tend to favor documentaries, and he likes sports. i've eaten seafood all my life with no problem, but noticed on our honeymoon in St. Thomas that suddenly at this stage in my life, my lips seem to take on Angelina Jolie proportions after eating shellfish. no breathing issues, just the lips. oh, and my ears itch. so look out Brad Pitt, i guess. too bad the rest of me doesn't implode here and there to take on the Other proportions, much like the Nutty Professor's Buddy Love. ah well. ya win a few, ya gain a few. well, the sun is starting to peek through the trees and starting to tap me on the shoulder to get busy, so i'm off.

wow

something to crow about...

post #900!

wow ...this is officially post 900! and some exciting news (if you aren't sick of my cheerfulness yet)...i am launching (sounds so pretentious, right?) a new website! the details are coming soon soon, but i have to get everything in place before i spill all the beans like the Bush's Baked Beans dog. this has been an incredible few months, crammed with opportunity and gratitude. i feel like i am totally in the flow of life, or at least the part where i fit in. has it all been roses and candy canes? not a chance. like the $2k car repair bill that hit right after my company declined to pay me vacation pay owed to me (we are still talking about it, and i hope they do the ethical thing). things like that. things that used to send me to the moon in full freak-out mode. it's so strange to have this peace that everything is as it should be. and will unfold as it should. so instead of trying to force things to go my way, i've been sitting quietly in the morning and settling into the shimmerdust...trying to get a glimmer of what is expected of me that day, and where my energies need to be focused. i have a clear plan of the point-A-to-point B type, and have a clear notion of where i need to be plan-wise by certain benchmarks (i am a planner, after all), but each day will hold something a little special...a side trip that needs to be taken, or a moment with diva that needs to happen, or a body that needs some extra care & keeping & rest. i'm trying to stay on track, and focused, but also allow for flexibility. and it really is working well. as i get into my body's True Rhythm, it is easier to manage things like rest and pain and happiness and productivity, and be the physical person i need to be. yes, i said happiness. what i've found is that there were so many hours spent on obligation to things that were not written into the script of my life, that simple things like a smile from the heart got pushed aside in favor of getting that last load of laundry done. and now i find that i gladly do the things like laundry that were a source of friction before. because i have time. is it all roses? no. the dr did find another nodule, but is not worried. watch and wait and see. so for now it's not on my radar. today the word Trust is being constructed. and it's a good word to take along.

yes - i'm busy at work (tho obviously not photography lessons)... but want to take a quick break to say something....at the risk of sounding Pollyanna and all rose-colored glasses, I want to tell you that my life has become the most abundant and passionate and incredible thing. period. every single day Every Single Day, there is Something So Wonderful. a challenge is presented, and before i can even say a prayer for help, BAM! the resolution is there - in spades. i. am. gobsmacked. And as annoying as it probably was to listen to me whine and bitch about life for the past bunch o' years, i have to say, if you are intent on swimming in the muck, you will not like me. i've not become a proselytizing maniac...but this calm, certain, solid alien person has, indeed, taken over my body. point in case - by 8:15 this morning, i was facing a $2000 car repair bill...a simple inspection visit with a "check engine" light went kaphlooey. (and my mechanic is as honest as the day is long). a quick check of the calendar reveals that i am a mere 11 days out of warranty. so i took a chance on my last drop of gas, and drove a block down to the dealership. right? i know - never go to a dealership for service. long story short, at 4pm i got a call...$100 + tax. they would honor some of the warranty, and the rest....who knows. yeah, so that's the kind of stuff i'm talking about. juicy stuff. stuff that makes you lay on your face on a studio floor type of grateful. so now you can understand why i haven't posted...how, just how, do you tell all this stuff? how do you feel such incredible gratitude and not be humbled? and it wasn't because i saved baby kittens, or ran through a burning building to rescue people or devoted myself to lepers on an island somewhere. i think - my theory is - when you are in the place in life that you belong, magic happens. and everyone has a place. and i believe that it is there for everyone who is listening, and trusting, and doing what they know in their heart of hearts they must. Art is the language i speak, much like people in Spain speak spanish, and in France speak french. it is that simple. and to be away from art, is to be deprived of my language...to be living comfortably in a foreign land where i'm unable to communicate effectively. not very comfortable after all. i choose to call the magic-maker God. it is my belief system. you may call it the Universe, or Buddha or Left Toe for all it is of my business. but at this moment in my life, i have been given such a sweet gift, and rather than feel unworthy, or suspicious, i finally just said Thank You. and it's a pretty darn good gift, ya think?

"If there is any secret to this life I live, this is it: the sound of what cannot be seen sings within everything that can. & there is nothing more to it than that." - Brian Andreas What a great morning! Met my friend Dan at the flea market at early o'clock (btw if you check out his website - those are NOT photographs - they're paintings!)...my intention was to find vintage chain for my growing inventory of Intention Word necklaces that I'm making for some upcoming festivals. the process so far has been enjoyable and actually fun, and not without it's challenges to resolve. even that has been a stress-free process. i did a mini purge of the studio yesterday, as i gathered up some interesting metal objects that i thought Dan might like, and came across a bagful of sequins, teeny beads and onesie larger beads that i knew i would never use. for some reason, i grabbed that bag as i headed out the door. the first vendor i went to The First, i tell you, had an amazing old-style jewelry box that opens at the top, and then has trays that rise out to the sides, and has a drawer. it was crammed with costume jewelry...some nice, some not so nice. he wanted $30 for it. he was on crack, obviously. i had my bag of beads handy. i offered him $10 and the bagload. his friend said "she's got money - it's an Anthropologie bag," and i thought the deal was sunk. i also wondered how it could be that a man who hadn't showered in days, perhaps lived in his Chevy Vega and felt that $30 was a great deal, how this person had heard of Anthro, let alone knew pricing at the store. not to sound cheeky, but if it weren't for my PSD, i would probably never heard of Anthro, let alone checked on retail pricing. i explained (okay - lied) that the bag was given to me with some doodads. he wavered, so i turned it around and said, well, hey - the bag alone must be worth $5, right? deal struck. so i have a nice display piece, plus a bunch o' vintage chain. i'm hoping handsome husband hangs up my ginormous blackboard tonight so i can organize entry dates and deadlines. i'm a visual person, and need to see everything lined up like that or it's all a garble. ok - after listening to me whine, moan, complain, be depressed, be ready to walk off the very edge of the earth for all these years...i feel you should know ...i am the happiest i've ever been in my life. not the kind of manic happy that is a pain in the ass to be around. just content and excited and centered. and filled with gratitude. so very grateful. and to make it even better, there is a crow couple making a nest right outside my studio window! i'm taking some bright yarn down to them right now. a little interior design. the next week will be a busy one with a few deadlines and doctor appts & tests, but i'll be checking back in. lovin' spring. Linda

you know, i re-read yesterday's post and thought seriously of deleting it, lest it be too offensive. but i decided not to...had a strong feeling to leave it. just like i had no idea where it came from. i sat down to catch up with you, and tell you all the happythings, and this just needed to be said. yes, it's my blog and i can say whatever i want, but i am nothing if not compassionate and inoffensive, and yes, would self-edit if someone close to me was truly hurt by something. words are mighty, and carry a strong power. the person i was "speaking" to in my post would not recognize me on the street from a fully operational Burger King droid, so to my posse of walking wounded warriors, i remain within your ranks and offer apologies and apple cake if you thought i was dissing you. there is no dissing intended in the post, anyway. just a strong feeling that there was a teetering going on, and slathering on more icing to a toppling cake never works. (trust me in the literal sense). so onward. things are moving faster than the speed of one of my engagements. there is a chunk of this that is Not My Story To Tell, and i do not have permission to tell it, so if the dots don't connect in parts that's why. (i'll hum when i get to a part that needs glossing over). Hmmmm mmmm mmmmm, then i left my job, and the minute the Very Minute i typed the words into the computer stating my intention to become unemployed, i got a cell call offering me a job in radio. i would voice track a show, which means i could show up at the studio on a sunday at 10pm in my pj's and track stuff that you'd be listening to while you ate lunch on tuesday. yummy! check please! and New Supportive Husband said "i think you should concentrate on your art and give that a fair shake...don't do the radio thing." wha? but i figured what the hey, a few extra bucks might be okay. but whether or not i end up doing it, it was an affirmation in a long & unmistakable string of affirmations that gobsmacked me into the right path, and continue to keep me there. The recent show of my collages opened up some incredible opportunities. which led to other opportunities. and challenges that have crossed my path have been resolved in ways that are nothing short of miraculous...and i am not overstating that. truly truly miraculous. and that almost made me welcome the challenges in order to see the unfolding of the resolution - it was/is that amazing. and when i say "unfolding," i don't mean in biblical time or waiting for your turn in the potty line at the Dome time...i mean like pull this tab and the lifeboat inflates time. PFFFOOOWAWA BAM time. and i have never been more comfortable in my own skin. i am having a crush on myself for the first time in a long time. (within reason). and i believe it's because i am not fighting the tide, but riding the current...i am where i belong, just like Swirly's postcard says "you are exactly where you belong." and even though it involves some difficult stuff hmmm mm mmmm mmm, there is such sweet balance that it all feels right. and it has allowed me more time with Diva. she is, for all her crankiness, getting old before my eyes, and i am most grateful to be able to spend more time with her. off track completely here, but let me just say - if you have a company, or work at a company that has graphic design, web design, or advertising needs - you Must call Leonard Assante. I have never met a more incredible person...design-wise, person-wise...pick a category-wise. he is incredibly talented, and will make you rich. (it should be noted that I take responsibility for any/all outlandish claims here). but he is the real deal. and that's a wrap.

the care & feeding of a blog

yes, i know...if this blog were a child, then social services would have removed it from me weeks ago. my apologies. it's been a bit hectic in the day-to-day change-your-entire-life department, and most of it so mundane, i would be embarrassed to write it...like "oy! such a day! i shaved BOTH legs today. i need a rest." well, a bit more than that, and some pretty miraculous things jetting about, but (for once) i cannot find the proper words to properly express them, so i need to wait until that's possible. i am a person of schedules and lists. i am a planner & do-er. i have been told that i can plan the fun out of a vacation. and it's true, although i have gotten better with that. (okay, we have a window from 2-3 where we can do something wild & spontaneous...how about a shoe shop?). so i have lists and orderly chaos...the house is still upside down from the Room Exchange, but looking better. and i find that by controlling the chaos, i can have better quality "down" time & not worry that i forgot something. and with that time, i've caught up on some blogs. it feels like a reunion, catching up with the daily stuff of friend's lives. and i have to say, some blogs, i want to call the person (if i actually knew them) and say "are you STILL in that place??" i have stared down depression in my life, and the score is about even as to who won which round. and it became a cozy rut to be the Depressed Friend who needed consoling and cheerful little emails and such, that, when you think about it, is really a cry for love and proof of affection, which is really a statement on self-love (or the lack). and i don't mean DO NOT MEAN people who have recently lost a loved one, or had some other mad life-altering thing happen. i am talking about the people who have found their identity in being the vulnerable victim of life. it gets tedious and strenuous being a friend to that person. i give all my friends credit for hanging in there, as i went through that. (especially you-who-know-who-you-are). if you recognize yourself in this identity, this persona of poor-me, please - stand up, put on some funky clothes & makeup, turn around and give it the finger. trust me. there is learned behavior, and after a while, you knee-jerk react to everything the way of a habit...your glass will always always be half-empty, and if it isn't, you'll spill some out so it is. you are not loved by the volume of kind words sent you. you are loved when you can get up, smile into the mirror (well, once in a while), and Reach Outward with no agenda to get reached back to. i have no idea why this is spilling out now. it just is. and shame on me for not having patience at times with people who are the mirror image of what i have been. maybe it's too grisly of a reminder of what can happen to me if i don't give good stewardship and gratitude to the contentment i have worked for. not sure. but to the person who's blog i visited, perhaps for the last time, please - get help, and please do the work honestly and seriously, before it becomes less of an attention-getting thing, and more of an ingrained response - a hole you cannot dig out of. i'm sorry if i sound uncompassionate. that is not my intent At All. depression is a big, bad booger that can drop from the ceiling onto your best dress at any time. i guess this rant is aimed at helping 1 specific person that i have met, and have occasional emails with. she has the potential to do great things, but has chosen, instead, to be a victim of herself. so much the shame. who knows what greatness lies within? so after this hit-or-miss posting schedule, i come up with this?? fortheloveofgod. okay - dog screeching, cat vomiting,tea water overboiling. bye for now.

ok - i'll try again, but the dog is thrilled that it's way past her regular bark-at-the-school bus time AND mommy's still home so it's time to play with chirpy mouse. i have 2 big open spaces to rearrange and make suitable for my self: one is my studio - a large 22x22 room upstairs that must be semi-gutted, purged, painted and redesigned. by sunday. each piece must be vetted for worthiness of space. the other space: my life. a big, open road ahead. both tasks equally exciting. one a little more straightforward than the other. a gloomy, rainy day outside is perfect for being productive inside. clear the clamor, spend it in gratitude. now you know how my life goes...setting intentions like these can usually guarantee a Lucille Ball outcome. but it is my intention to seek a balance between the gentle calm, and the incredibly complex & eventually hysterical things that often befall me. it is my intention, for instance to move a large desk out of my studio. i can already forsee a Groundhog Day-like return to the Incident of Being Stuck Holding a Desk On Stairs for 3 hours till someone comes home. i may actually learn from that. but i can only promise to remember to go to the ladies loo before i attempt it. (oy - puppy has now moved on to the ball-in-the-plastic-ring toy, and is looking to me to make it go round & round so she can bark at it). playing with the dog is quick...she drags a toy out from her stash behind husband's Lazy Ass recliner, drops it on my feet, i throw it, she grabs it and puts it back in the stash. then a minute later - rinse & repeat. no fetching here. and eventually (in 3 tosses) she forgets to go get it, so i end up tossing squeeky mouse or lambikins, then going after it my own self and dropping it near her to try to incite play. she has been watching the Dog Whisperer backwards. i am trained. whenever i think about all that has happened in the past few weeks, i am overwhelmed. flat out. i still can't form the words. it's a deep, humbling Why Me Why Now feeling. in a good way. a very good way. to be called upon to stretch myself and grow and prioritize, and to be given the opportunity to use those skills. i am not forgotten. my prayers actually do get heard. hunh. i guess i feel a deepening of spirituality and confidence that i am not alone. i feel very comfortable in my skin. physically - i am happy with my outwards, and need to take care of my inwards...a dr's appt scheduled for monday to help with that. to keep my promise to myself (from last year) to take better care of my body. yes - another round of quitting smoking is on the close horizon. 3rd times the charm? 4th? whatever try this is, it has to be the one that works. just has to. i smoke a mortgage payment every month. 2 car payments. that is not acceptable. so send your good vibes my way. ok - off to shower...it's funny, i look at the clock and measure time in what i would be doing at this moment if i was at my Big Girl Job. leaving was less anxiety-ridden than i thought it would be, but i think that's because i'm so exhausted. there are women at that job i will miss fiercely, and am sad to not be able to see every day. yes, i will have more time now to get together after work, and i'm hoping they don't turn into those fade-away friendships where you realize that the only thing you had in common was the job. oh yeah - shower and begin.

i may have caught my breath...just enough...to post.....tomorrow. i'm nesting right now...sorting twigs and sticks and tossing out the sharp parts and getting ready to prepare for my new life....that starts in 1 hour and 57 minutes. excelsior...ever upward.

i am still processing all the crunchy goodness that has been piled on me...holding it close, yet trying to act quickly and not miss out on any opportunities that feel right. i will say that if you're in the area this weekend, you will not regret one minute of time spent watching a felting demo being given by the incredible Elizabeth Moldenhauer at Szozda Gallery. what she does with roving is a wonder. She and I are teaming up for a few Art festivals this season...look for us at the Westcott Art Trail in June (1st weekend, I believe)...we'll be at Amy Komar's. also on tap: the Downtown Arts & Crafts festival in July, and possible the Finger Lakes show and the Lafayette Apple Festival. I'm so excited and blessed to be able to do these shows with such an incredible sister. ok - now i'm off to reclaim my studio....

time is running out

(vernal equinox moon through Sworovski spotting scope) you've just got to go here and see it in person! (not the moon - sorry that was just a random picture i took, although I'd love to send some people to the moon. nameless). it is amazing. i promise. and a week from monday...poof! gone! and everyone will be talking about it but you. don't say i didn't warn you. today will be a busy one - despite my intention to stay home in my sweats and help husband with his personal Big Dig - moving the actual desk downstairs. PSD has promised to come help, and that will be much needed. i am still in search of new / used ProPanels cheapity cheap. and quick. but at the rate these blessings have been falling from the sky, I have confidence that they will find me in time. i'm also tossing around ideas for displays, etc. so the lineup for attention today - Diva, LisaLisa - who wants a private tour of the show, and what a grand excuse to see this special woman, then the camera shop to buy paper, home, moving stuff, laundry, ummm, anything else?? oh - the thrift store for some yummy things to make other things with. shh..it's a surprise! i need to source some chain and sterling tags (i always like at least 2 sources...it is now 8 years that i am waiting on a backorder from a silk distributor - i think they forgot). oh- and plan some logistics for some art festivals. oh - and design some greeting cards. glad it's my day off. yesterday was the last friday i will have at my job. i coined a phrase when i came to that department "Get Bob's Money!" (Bob is the CEO). someone sneaky had a rubber stamp made up with those words on it, and when i came back from lunch - it was on my desk! how cool is that? I've been a little sneaky around there too, but i can't say how right now....they'll see! kind of bittersweet, leaving. there are those i'll miss seeing, and you know how it goes - you always say "we;ll get together," but the reality is - people get busy and don't make time. i'm guilty of it myself. well, time to start the hamster wheel. i'll meet you back here later.

confession

i have a confession: i may have misrepresented a bit. not intentionally. it was inner confusion. not really inner confusion, though. it was more like saying what i expected i would be feeling at this juncture in my life. the truth, as i saw it today: i am not scared shitless. i feel free and confident and excited and huge and successful and certain. i feel looked-after by angels, and guided. i am flying, eyes wide open, hair on fire, electrified and grinning ear to ear. there is no time for being scared...there is no place for it in my life. i have spent 30+ years being / doing / living the way that was expected or needed at the time. no more. i have spent most of my life in a semi-martyr state, pushing aside my own dreams in order to make someone else's life easier. no more. it is my time. and if, in that time, i choose to pass up an opportunity in favor of someone else's moment, then it will be done as a choice - not an expectation. i could just explode with the feelings.

ok, where was I?

oh yeah...now be warned - there are large self-edited gaps here, intentionally placed to protect some intensely personal things going on - not my things, so it's not my story to tell. but as a result of those things, i have left my job. or will be finishing my last day 3/31. and in taking that leap some incredible and wondrous things have happened, as if God was saying "don't worry be happy." the stars have aligned in such an incredible way...every day has brought sugary goodness wrapped in a fairy tale of wonderment. (no - it isn't the hint of spring getting to my head. we just got a huge dumping snowstorm, so check that off the list). some incredible opportunities have been placed lovingly at my feet, and some just flung at me like mashed potatoes from the end of a fork in 7th grade. and i am gobsmacked and grateful for each and every splat of goodness. first- a commercial break before we continue our show: please go to Szozda Gallery this saturday and watch the incredibly wonderful & talented Elizabeth Moldenhauer make felting beauty right before your eyes. and buy some art. okay, back to our show. so my last day is next thursday, making today my last friday. through a series of edited events, i will have the opportunity to sit in a room and Just Make Art. this art will be made for 4 upcoming opportunities, art fairs, etc. Yes. but wait there's more! i will be designing a line of greeting cards that have been rumbling about in the corners of my mind, unseen but wisping about. you will like them - there is nothing like them. you'll see! Wait!! still more. during the first few months of this no-big-girl job, i was worried that our ship would sink, or at least hit an atoll or something. but nooo. God said giddyup nervous gal, and yesterday out of the blue, i got a call from a former radio friend. we'd done morning stuff together years ago and stayed in touch. the offer was made to do a mid-day show on a newly formatted station. but hang on, you say...how will you fulfill your heavily edited personal obligation to the Chosen One? here's how....technology, my friend, technology. once a week I'll head to a dark and lonely studio, and voice track the entire week's show. bam. done. cha-ching. if you pay close attention the next time you listen to regular radio, there isn't much the DJ actually talks about. or should. so it's all good. did i mention it was country music? ha ha, God...very funny. here we go again. so now i have to get ready for the Last Friday. be well today. i'm not going all pollyanna on you, but there are long moments in my day where i just sit and think "this is so lovely. thank you thank you thank you. i will try to be worthy of the gifts given." and other moments where i'm just scared shitless. so, it's a regular rickety zen circus, as usual.

PS

If you live in the syracuse NY area, or feel like traveling here, API is putting together a workshop by my request on how to photograph artwork. details are still being worked out, but it will be overly informative and very professional. contact me or comment if you have an interest so I can let them know approx how many.

so for the past 2 days i've been trying to take my own advice, and give my notice at my job. why so long, you may ask, when any other intelligent being would simply say "You'll notice my absence in 2 weeks," or some such. but noooo. i have to go to my boss who sends me to her boss who is in a meeting then finally is free and contrives this time off and/or part time thing to which i'm amazed and flattered and frustrated. i need to leave sooner rather than later. but they want me. they like me. but i know i'm doing the right thing. in most moments. then there are some other moments where i say WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?? and i don't want to be a thinker, i want to be a do-er. and so i try to stop thinking (not so hard for me as it turns out since i've been falling asleep at my desk on a regular basis. like, snoring falling asleep). but i need to do this. and i'm a wreck because, although husband has known on a certain level, we haven't had that definitive discussion. the one where i dream he says all manner of supportive things and we kiss and drive to the beach. (there's no beach here. we are landlocked). but i just Know it has to be done. so following another painful meeting today where i am urged to apply for FMLA, i finally put the lid on it before i rupture something in my head or heart. i typed out a resignation letter. addressed it to all 3 bosses, paused, said a prayer, and hit send. and felt my life drop into my stomach with the same intensity as a high rise elevator during rush hour. but it was done. yes, it can be undone. but it cannot. and i step forward into my dreams. i have been at this job for 5 years, and that is amazing to me. as amazing as the fact that this july will be my 10th wedding anniversary. time does indeed fly. i have so much to say on the day's events, but need to sort everything out into it's proper mental bin before i ramble nonsensically. as if. but be with me on this next left turn of my journey to myself. or should i say "right" turn. no really - be with me. because i'm confident and excited and scared shitless.

it continues to be a time of quiet, gentle learning of what the next steps are...and a bonding of women, each strong & each unsteady, in their own areas, & each giving fully of what they have to offer for healing. so much learned about selves and one another. i honor and respect and am grateful to each...for what they give and for what they allow me to give. my heart is full, and broken, at the same time.

is it just me, or the full moon, or what? the world wide web is painfully slow tonight. an hour to log onto etsy to buy some beautiful bundles ...shhhh! one's a gift. anyway, i am tired, it's late, but i wanted to check in and say that i am blessed to have the most incredible PSD. i love her like i never knew i could. and i wish for her every perfect dream come true, though not every wish. wishes seem to get me in trouble, so i'll assume it does the same favor for others. i made it in to work today, but spent my 8 hours disturbing other people's day and napping a lot. i just didn't feel it today. so this weekend is the start of the Big Move - husband's desk downstairs and my studio to myself Whoo Hoo! i celebrated by buying some Big Ass Canvases...so big they scare me. on sale! so off to rub some puppy tummy. i promise more soon. i have some awesome little videos but can't get them from my droid to the blog. suggestions welcome. please go see the show - it's amazing. Elizabeth Moldenhauer is a felting diva, i tell you! i drool.

ok i'm back...did you miss me? i am exhausted, and my thoughts are still nebulous, so i'll give you this bit, borrowed from a friend's post....it is apropos: Cherish your solitude. take trains by yourself to places you have never been. sleep alone under the stars. learn how to drive a stick shift. go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. say no whenever you don’t want to do something. say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. decide whether you want to be liked or admired. decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. ~ Eve Ensler (my apologies for the rip-off, Jen...it's just that you have no idea how perfectly appropriate those words are right now.) oh heck, as long as I'm not being very original here, a redux...Brian Andreas' StoryPeople message from a month ago hit my spot and bears repeating: I don't know how long I can do this, he said. I think the universe has different plans for me & we sat there in silence & I thought to myself that this is the thing we all come to & this is the thing we all fight & if we are lucky enough to lose, our lives become beautiful with mystery again & I sat there silent because that is not something that can be said.

i will be mostly unavailable for the next few days, so if you call or email and don't get a reply, i'm not ignoring you.

i have so much left to do

it is beautiful and wonderful and just amazing...how Caroline hung the show is just a wonder to me. if you look real carefully you'll notice some color patterns within the gallery. sneaky. so - friday night was the opening reception, and i always worry that no one will show up. especially since this weekend is the Big East tournament, the St. Patrick's day parade, and last but not least the Monster Truck competition. i bite my tongue. but - it was fabulous. the place would pack out, then ease up throughout the night. i am so thrilled that so many of my workmates came, and brought their families. one husband said he wouldn't miss it, after all the stories he's heard about me. say wha? but it was all goodness. sales were good for an opening night, and it was such a great feeling to do this with Elizabeth. her felted work is luscious, i tell you, just tasty goodness. AND has a huge picture on pg 18 of the STARS magazine today...go elizabeth! she is an amazing artist, and an incredible person. she needs a clone. the other artist featured in the show is Lynette Blake...her work makes you stand there slackjawed and drooling. you see something new every minute. she is someone who becomes a friend easily and truly. The amazing renegade seamstress herself, Helen Carter from Secret Lentil came down from her shop/studio to see the show (i was wearing one of her dresses). (love her clothes..."protective gear for your internal revolution). I just read this back and gawd it sounds like some 2D society page report. feh. here's why: i am exhausted. the schedule, as you may recall, was up at 4am friday after a teensy bit of sleep thursday due to a barking dog/monster under the bed issue. work till 4pm, then go to the reception. silly me forgot about the dinner portion iof the day, and really need to eat constantly for blood sugar issues. had some wine instead - it's a fruit, right? got myself home, and figured i'd be walking on my hands for a few days - who invented high heels?? up at 4am saturday to go in for a few hours of not-really-mandatory-but strongly-suggested-you-be-there work at the Big Girl job. new boss shows up late with the breakfast pizza that i was countinng on to Be There when i got to work, and thus avoid another blood sugar meltdown get the scissors away from her incident. it arrived, i ate, and realized how hungover i felt just from being tired and from smiling so much the night before like reverse botox. was scheduled till 11:45, but left at 11, as i remembered the parade traffic. ended up driving all the way to Dewitt, turning around, and attacking the highway through a different route. success. a day at the gallery ends in hysteria - caroline and i go to check out the Free Pile, and find some sort of speaker or radio or machine of some sort, and the manic glee in that girl as she snipped away parts and pieces for me - well, it was worth having to hold back the crowd that gathered to watch! husband spent the day knee deep in hops and cleaning out a room that will Very Soon become his new office. i am happy for him, really really happy. because that means i also get the whole Big Room! I make dinner somehow, and realize i left some of my metal booty at the gallery, bummer. snuggle on the couch around 7-ish. then it is 2am. then it is 7am. so that, my friends, is why this post sounds so cheesy. it will likely take me a few more days to fully process and recover. i was handed an incredible opportunity at the show, which will necessitate big courage of the leaping variety, and i am crazy ready for it! so my apologies for the flatline of a post. i will makke it up to you with pictures very soon, 'kay? now go fix your clocks.

in this life, I still have so much to do. and i feel like i want to grab armfuls and do it all at once...not being able to choose between them...i am grateful beyond words today.

I C U

as in "I see you" but i don't...went to the eye dr last night, and can I pose this question: if they can put a man on the moon, why can't they figure out a way to get your eyeglass prescription without having to depend on me to tell someone if A or B is clearer? C or D? so i will have some spanky new glasses soon (as soon as the Hubble is done with it's magnification lens) but they sent me out the door with a pair of trial contacts ... i am soo excited - they never not ever have my prescription on hand. and that made me smile big. except i can't really see anything nothing i tell you up close, even with "readers." like the keyboard on this computer is very very fuzzy, and if i didn't have a vague familiarity with where some keys are, it would look like this: b829fjdnovn, etc. So, good and bad news. and forget about my phone. feh. no way. it is reduced to an overpriced flashlight right now. but i don't really care much about contacts so all-in-all, it will be fine. i have some incredible news...i asked a friend to ask her niece to manifest something Big and Scary for me. and sometimes Those That Fulfill The Manifest Requests know better than you. Sort of like a Grandma Lana, but more smoke & mirrors. so just the other day, an amazing thing happened, and it was so amazing, and i've been so much a posterchild for mental Red Bull, that it took a full 2 days for me to realize that This was the actual opportunity i wanted for now. So the Grandma Lana diety said, "Feh - you tink you vant, but no- Lana know what you should vant - is goot you like." all i really want is a room of my own. a large, bright, temperature controlled room with a lock on the door. to run rampant, artwise, knowing that i don't have to clean up till i'm ready to, or keep the noise down, unless i want to. and the studio at the Delavan showed me that i actually Need this. but...the affordability question was resolved. but...i didn't want to spend that much time away from my diva, and although there are plenty of don't-ask-don't tell dogs down there, she is not compatible with most things in life, and is not one to keep her muzzle to herself. so when husband mentioned that he was moving his office downstairs, leaving me the Entire 22 x 22 room to myself, i almost cried. well, i actually did a bit. and last night it sunk in that This would be perfect for now. Perfect. the floors were never finished, as the previous (original) owner died (in the kitchen) before completing the room. there are matching throw rugs end-to-end covering the bare plywood underneath. perfect! those bad boys will be gone in a NY minute when we do the Great Move. this will take a bit, because the huge U-shaped desk my husband uses, was actually constructed inside the room, so it must be de-constructed, then re-constructed downstairs. neither one of us has the energy for that right now, but i'm workin' it up baby. so it's a very goot thing yes. i can wwander in and artify whenever i want, and diva can still go out whenever she howls. and we are all together koo koo ka choo. gotta love manifestation. i guess my fear was that my request would become misdirected to the maniNfestation department, and there are plenty enough of them around here as it is. so off to find the shower (hands along the wall) and start the hamster wheel. oh - have i mentioned i have an art show coming up friday? maybe once or twice? i think i'm so excited about this one because i get to sharewith the amazing felter extraordinaire Elizabeth Moldenhauer. she just amazes me with her skill, her creative swerve, and her Self. you just have to meet her, truly. my life is More because i know her. and you will definately want to own one of her pieces, so bring your checkbook. or cash.

Question ...guess Guess who went looking for an errant little piece of artwork Guess and found six of them she forgot and had to run to Loews and have more wood cut and start the whole process of gluing and screwing all over again? Did you guess??

I would like to use this moment to publicly thank Caroleena Szozda with all my heart ...sometimes D-rings are just more than a person can get through, and you should all have someone as wonderful as her in your lives that will sit on the floor and drill and wire many many many paintings. Oh and stay late to do it. Yes..she is all that.

never forget i was here

a sneak peek while paint is drying elsewhere...not a great shot, but a peek...click to enlarge

spring has been a trickster around here...a day or two of comparatively warm weather, then back to cold feet i say "comparatively" because in a few months, our balmy 46 degrees will be cause for curses and innuendos about packing up and moving south. but for now, i'll take the 46 and sunny. the hawks are starting to return, and a few birds that normally winter in Canada have found themselves here for the season, making for a chaotic shuffling for rental space in birdland. geese are honking past in increasingly larger flocks, and you know what that means....trips to the car wash! in a few minutes, i get on with the frame-a-palooza, but wanted to check in and say hey. subtle shiftings in the weather, and in my heart are making this and exciting time. cross your fingers for me - it promises to be a thriller of a ride.

reminder

a week from today (friday 3/11) ... i hope you can make the opening reception for Full Circle, my art show at Szozda Gallery 5-8pm. 501 W. Fayette St - 1 block west of the W. Fayette/West St intersection. Plenty of free parking right at the door! I say "my" art show, but I will be in great good company...none other than uber-felter Elizabeth Moldenhauer will be presenting some her fabulous vessels and wall art! the show is called Full Circle because we originally met at the Delavan Gallery when I had some pieces in their fiber show. you will want to meet her...there is no one in the world like Elizabeth. you will want to be her. Please stop by! if friday doesn't work, the show runs through April 3rd, but i think you'll want to be there friday. in other news, i saw the most beautiful woodpecker the other day as i headed into work...it's red head stood out against all the white snow as it clung to the tree. amazing. i checked my Animal Spirit Guides book and it said: "A storm is brewing, either literally or metaphorically, but have faith - you're protected no matter what....." Then - "you're entering a time of plenty and abundance." Can i get a Hey Yah? in the past week, i've had 4 opportunities for shows or other art-related work. and from some of the most random places and people. and here's the chiller...they all have a thread that stretches back to some event in the past. for instance, 9 years ago (NINE!) i met a woman at the annual Home Show here - a giant show stretching across 3 buildings of the Fairgrounds...vendors packed in with shiny tasty HUGE slabs of marble and vendors with the latest greatest whatever for the home. anyway, in the midst of all this commotion, i am drawn to this woman who has a circle of peacefulness around her. and we chat. i kept trying to leave - didn't want to steal her from her duties hawking countertops, but she keeps drawing me in and chatting. she is an artist / interior designer / business owner, just moved here from NYC, was helping out a friend with their booth since it was so large. i never forgot her, and remember thinking "this is an important moment." didn'tt know why. now i do. she's opened a restaurant with a conference room and wants some art in it. it's very very nice. and who tells me about it but my former boss. threads threads woven and weaving still. sends me 2 interoffice emails - oh the risk of it! other things are popping as well, and i hope to do 3 art festivals with Elizabeth in the coming months. i wish you could meet her. (note to my Squam posse - she made the other Elizabeth's vessel last fall). so - time for the hamster wheel to start spinning - shower, dog walk, work, home, rinse, repeat, and the Great Frame-A-Palooza this weekend! so don't forget...Friday March 11th....

gifties

i swear, even with all the stress & commotion of getting ready for this art show, all i see around me are little gifties...and the attitude of "it's almost my birthday" has sunk down in me deep. it's not almost my birthday, no worries, although a bi-annual event would be fun. just that low-grade excitement that something Good is just around the corner. and it has been. everyday. i asked my Queen to help manifest something into my life. my mental jury is out on the whole "name it and claim it" line of thought, but i do believe that when you want something bad, and you concentrate on that thing, you are giving focus and life to a dream. and that focus guides your actions, whether intentionally or subconsciously, and you find yourself saying "yes" to things that take you steps closer to that goal. then some pixie dust gets mixed in, and BAMMO! there it is. so, not a real scientific way of thinking, but for sure it's logical. and all along this pixie dust-sprinkled path lately, there have been little encouragements and nudges that Yes - now is the time for this...for you. My friend (and oooh that gives me a snuggly feeling to call her "friend")Christine has some artwork with these words on it..."Your wings already exist...all you have to do is fly." and for these many years, i'd look at that and think "lovely." yesterday something caught the edge of my peripheral vision, as i worked yet another spreadsheet. wings. and i said, right out loud, Damn! but it sounded more like "daaay-am" because it was a thoughtful, smiling sort of thing. and i realized the truth in the words for myself. this year i have watched as everyone started every sentence with "in this economy" as if it were a new country called "economy" where everyone lived to the highest mediocrity and talked in hushed tones, and became as amish as possible. we lost our spark of delight. and i also watched as my friend Georgia took flight like a rocket, launching her new book with a VIP event in Chicago, presenting at large & important conventions in DC, watching as she followed her passion of poetry, and as poetry thanked her for her tending of it and paid her bills and watered the garden in her soul. watching her stars align. and my friend Dan - having one thing after the other test him, but he stood firm and kept moving forward, and his art thanked him and paid him back in ways unimaginable "in this economy." and all around me, opportunities opened for me...kindnesses were practically flung at me...studios, teaching, kind words, and kind actions. and some of the best art i've ever made, coming from a wellspring inside me that i never knew existed. from a place, different than it's ever come from before...not from pain or disillusionment or sadness, but from gratitude and possibility and some other spot that refuses to be defined. so you know, i'd like to get an exit visa from this new country of "in this economy," and move past the smoke and mirrors. yes - i am not witless....the economy in this country is hard. very hard. difficult like most of us have never seen before. but i want to shake the attitude that everything needs to be muted and cautious around the edges. i want to continue to dream and be optimistic, and not feel badly for doing so. i want to be able to be aware of, and sensitive to, the fact that some very close to me are struggling financially, but don't want to color my outlook with doom. i want the dreams and sparks within me to glow and light a path. dreams with focus and possibility wrapped around them. and day by day, i see these things being woven in and it would take a complete dolt not to see the gifties being given to me. i accept those gifts, and the ones yet to come, because i see them there - out of the corner of my eye. and those wings fit very nicely.

ok. as you may have picked up on - this has been a stressful week/end. i have been in constant danger of my brains exploding by force through my ears or nasal passages. i have lots and lots to do, but time has been relegated to working for The Man. (i say in jest). i would like to say i am stronger for the experiences i've had the past 3 days, but i am not that good a person. and now i fear the wrath of God for speaking ill of Hobby Lobby. well, Harvey, anyway. but i did make an awesome carrot ginger soup, so i've got that going for me. i picked up the postcards for the show and they are gorgeous Gorgeous! in case my email didn;t reach you, it runs 3/9-4/3 with the reception on 3/11 from 5-8pm. please come. i beg you. i miss you and now can't even email you. i know it's waaay downtown-ish, but i'll tell you a secret if you come. oh - and i'll be wearing my new Secret Lentil dress! so there - it's settled. come to see the dress. and what all the fuss has been about. and maybe fall in love and buy something. i have a secret project i started a bit ago that i can now turn my attention to (well, soon anyway - after the frame-o-rama). i can't wait to show you. as soon as i get email back, since i take the picture with my cameraphone, then email it to myself and save it to my desktop, then post it from there, and the whole procedure depends, you see, on email, which i seem to be without. so okay. enough. time to frame.

just a notification...i am having email issues like crazy. exactly like crazy, actually. they are non-existent on my cool new phone that i bought specifically to get emails, and they are randomly coming in - or not - and out - or not- from my computer. suffice it to say, if you send me an email, and don't get a response, i am not being aloof - i am amish. call me. for now, anyway, i am able to send and receive calls. damn those sun spots.

i am blind with rage at technology. and Harvey. not the invisible rabbit Harvey, but Harvey the very visible and uber-helpful (and odoriferous) frame shop guy at Hobby Lobby. i just JUST wanted some frames, backings, and D-rings for the love of God. but Harvey was intent absolutely finely tuned focused on providing me with the best customer service HL had Ever Seen. and while Harvey is a nice enough man, i'm sure, and while Harvey can whip together frame, matting, backing and wire faster than you can say Mona Lisa, he. does. not. know. jack. about. hanging art in a gallery. And AND will argue his point about using 3M Command sticky strips till your ears bleed, despite the fact that you've said NO 5K times. all this while Old Rugged Cross plays over the loud speaker in a rendition even sadder than the original God intended. when he finally asked what i was going to do with the "pitchur" i was TRYING to frame, i told him it was to be included in an art show. his reply: REALLY? as if to say THIS?! which set my teeth grinding, my insecurities screaming HA HA and my Timbos tuning up for a boot up Harvey's ass. every cell in my body wanted to yell STEP OFF, Harvey, STEP OFF, and flee what was beginning to feel like a social experiment with hidden cameras. give me the goddamn kool aid and put me out of my misery already, i think. then felt bad for thinking "goddamn" while the Old Rugged Cross was playing and Harvey was sweating & purple in the face and really really needed an Old Spice stick for his pits. somehow, unasked and unwanted, he slapped together 3 frames with backing and wire, but no pitchur inside. no glass. and no Command strip. STEP OFF HARVEY. and he reminded me maaany times that it was his day off, and he wasn't really there. if only. but he meant well, somewhere in that socially retarded head of his. he meant well. all this after having Mobile Medic at my house at 10am to collect bodily fluids and ask all manner of personal questions of me (in front of my stepson). apparently the insurance company doesn't think i am worth as much dead as i think i should be worth. there was just something horribly creepy about handing over a clear plastic cup filled with urine to a woman who i think was a nun at some time. at my dining room table. just wrong. feh. all this hullaballoo and i still have to finish painting some cradled frames and gluing up a bunch more that husband cut for me. i fell asleep on the couch for 2 hours, no doubt in attempt to put myself out of my own misery. alas, i awoke. and decided to print out my grocery list from the handy wegmans site that categorizes everything by aisle for you and adds menu items and is The coolest tool yet. but the printer is having an identity crisis, and won't print. maybe it's a toaster now, who knows. maybe tomorrow we'll see if it can fly. but i am angry and ready to go amish. i have a printer that won't print, a swervy new phone that i bought for email purposes that won't send or receive email, a framer that tried to kill me with blood pressure, and a nun at my table asking for pee pee. to quote Nancy Kerrigan, "WHHHHHYYYY?" i am moving to amish country. believe it.

holy macarena has it been a busy week...trying to finish up the last of the pieces for the show (reception 3/11 5 pm - please come!!) and still recovering somewhat from last weekend. was it just last weekend?? i'm still kanoodling and finagling about the full-time studio thing. part of me says Yes, part says No. i like having my supplies close at hand, should the inspiration hit, and with a fulltime Big Girl job, i'd only get there twice a month or so. so the "no" seems to be the voters favorite right now. i've been sooo tired lately too - left work early on thursday and came home and just dove for the pillow. a good choice. this winter has sucked the vavoom out of me. so far i've avoided the really low lows that dog me in the winter, but i've also beared up and hibernated most of it. there's something weird going on with my email too, so if you've emailed me in the past 2 days - i haven't gotten it. just so you know. lovin the droid. PSD got an iPhone and i think they're pretty equal, other than the ease of downloading music. i don't mind carrying an ipod though. my thoughts of a small New Hampshire apartment have pretty much dissolved. last weekend taught me that i need more community than it would afford. i tend to see myself as a loner (not the creepy, stalker serial killer loner - just quieter and not so social), and envisioned day after day uninterupted by obligation and chatter and irritations. but i saw that i have strong urges of creativity till around noon, but then need to chat chat chat for a few hours. that wouldn't be quite as do-able in seclusion. although. plus there's the whole "work" issue. how do people do it?? nothing spectacular going on, as you can tell by the high volume of posts. just checking in to let you know i'm still alive and well. as usual, i have to go clean up kitty vomit. and it's only 5:15am. just an ordinary day. may your day be vomit-free.

it all started friday morning...early....way early...before the sun early...everything was assembled and waiting for me, having horsed & hauled it thursday night....my heaven: let the giggling commence. here is the building - or at least my view of 1/3 of it... it's a horseshoe shaped old factory. old. the patinaed wooden floors roller coaster and tilt as you creak your way down the halls...door after door, left and right, artists ensconced within, conversing with their muses - sometimes loud & angry, sometimes in reverent silence, sometimes as music plays...i watch the sun rise from the large windows at the end of my warren, and realize there are tears spilling over...gratitude gratitude. now - to address some blank canvases. where to start?? let's take a look at those materials, first... all morning long, a voice tumbled through my head - insistent ABSOLUTELY insistent to be heard "Don't drop your keys! don't drop your keys!" and i was pretty sure Someone was trying to tell me something other than keeping good watch over my keys. but what? as is my practice, i stood a short distance from the workspace & said a prayer of gratitude for the space & time to create, and asked that creativity flow through me for a productive day. as i bowed in respect to my workspace, my eye fell on a bright yellow book gifted me for christmas, Hafiz! i opened it to a random page and stuck my finger down...and i SWEAR to you this is the truth...the poem was called Dropping Keys. (page 206 if you don't believe me). well, nothing sparked me there, so i glanced to the right hand page, and there, there it was..."All the talents of God." "All the talents of God are within you," reads the first line. i didn't make it past that... a shiver and a great stretching smile later, i was busy at the table. i'd give you a peek, but blogger has suddenly (again) decided to be a bad child and not download pictures, so i'll try again later. but in the few moments i have left before starting the rat race, let me say that i made some of the best art of my life, and learned some crazy cool things about myself, and being cloistered and being creative and being social. more on that later, but well, well, blogger came out to play, so here's peek...not done yet, but almost... i came home each night unable to speak, i was so tired. my legs feel like concrete poles from standing so long...i went to bed by 8pm each night and slept immediately. i have never drank so much water in my life. i loved every second of every minute in every day i was there. the challenges, the ghosties, the moments of unbridled creativity...all of it. as i packed everything up, i had those 2 hours to just say thank you thank you over and over. now swept clean, studio 261 is ready for the next creative voice...a bow in thankful gratitude...and close the door quietly, and yes, hook my keys onto my beltloop.

funny what a big empty room can do to you...

no pictures, sorry - blogger is misbehaving. i will re-emerge tomorrow, and try again to upload, but know this: i am exhausted i am filled to the brim i am making some of the best art of my life i am exhausted i have found community and communion i have Never. Ever. been more grateful to a human. i am exhausted. i am giddy. i am authentic within myself. i do not want to leave this studio ever. i have found a home for my spirit to rest and also to explode forth. i have only just begun.

i have just spent 40 precious minutes trying to download pictures of the studio and the work created there yesterday...it is not going to happen this morning. but i promise it will. because it has been nothing short of life-changing. and i know it's all new and swervy and cool, and i know that if i had a full time studio and could spend 11-teen hours a day in it, it would resemble a cell block rather than a slice of heaven plunked down here for me. i get that. (liar) but for these three days...oh my god. yesterday i arrived at 5:30am, got the door open to the building (no small feat - jiggle the key, turn this thing.) and there was a loud alarm going off, the handle on my heavy hamper-ish thingie with all my heavy stuff broke, and i had 2 flights of stairs to lug all this up because the freight elevator was waaay to creepy. and after heaving and horsing the stuff up there, and stuffing my lungs back inside my chest cavity, and wiping the sweat from , well, most of my body, it was 80-degrees in the room ...and you know what? i was grateful for every second of all of that. every second. and i sat there in that dark building (of which i have pictures stuck somewhere) and cried. tears of immeasurable gratitude and tears of thankfulness, and the kind of tears that come when there is a big thing percolating in you and it's still tissue paper thin and needs a moment to conjure itself to form, and the brain tells the eyes to turn on the faucet so you'll stay put just a few minutes more. and think. and feel. and breathe. and become just a teensy bit bigger than you were a moment before. just like that. in a soft, quiet flash. better, changed. and i know this all sounds melodramatic - i mean, it's a big empty room is all, right? but it took this big, empty room to fill my big, empty room - the space where art should have front & center...the space where i, once again claim art as my Self. the day was unusual....50-degree weather had people out in shorts and shirtsleeves...the sun was brilliant. all this added to the fantastical nature of it. today - 27 and snow and 40+ mph winds. gotta love syracuse! okay - i'm off to the studio....i only have 3 days and don't want to spend it in front of this box, no matter how much i love you. i'll try for pictures again ...later!

this week...

a little bit of this peeked out (along with my fat little hawk who stopped in to say hello)... still quite a bit of this.... And now - off to my studio... I picked up the keys last night, and hauled, jostled, shoved and horsed (what felt like) every art supply i own. it's like going on vacation somewhere new, right? what to bring?? i might need this or this or this...just bring it all. i wish i could take you along...it's in an ancient old factory...huge...i think 5 stories, but i'll count for sure. freight elevator with the metal grate that you have to lift up...push the button inside and hold it to make it move - line up the painted stripes on the wall outside and the wall inside the "box" to be sure you've stopped it at floor level....creaky worn velvety wooden floors that have been patched and propped throughout the years,,,a little soft spot there, like a roller coaster ride on foot - no even polished hallways here! snaking through hallways and alleyways upstairs, passing studio displays of art outside locked doors bursting with creativity inside...a wisp of music from somewhere...smell of turpentine and cigarettes - someone's been up all night...hundreds of doors, it seems...then - mine. unlock...huge old windows face me from the other end of the room...i can't wait to see the sunrise from them. i can't sit here any longer - time to grab a coffee and get to the room! updates to follow...save the date, by the way...March 9 show opening, with reception 3/11 ...more to follow about that.

just popping in to say hello...it has been a busy few days. and yes - i did say a FREE stdio for 3 days. i feel so grown up and authentic! i'll have to dust off my beret. i went to the art supply store last night to get some supplies so i can just lock myself in and create. my intention is to get there early early friday morning, dump my collage papers on the floor & get to it. it will be so nice to see everything out in the open, rather than have to dig to the bottom of the huge sterlite tub like a fishing expedition. so save the dates: the show opens March 9th, with the official reception on Friday March 11. very exciting things happening this month for a lot of people! and i'm so incredibly excited to do this show with my friend, the amazingly talented fiber artist Elizabeth Moldenhauer! the show is called "Full Circle" because we met at this gallery a few years ago when i had my fiber show, and now we're doing a show together there. in between, we became fast friends. and i have to say - even if you hate art shows, come to this one just to meet her. she is Just So All That. she has such a beautiful fragrance of love surrounding her. she makes you want to be a better person, just by being around her. okay - so it's very early and i need coffee...diva kept me up half the night with her warnings about monsters under the bed. and after the recent arrest of a man in the nearby neighborhood, i get a little freaked out when i'm alone. ya think you know someone. so i'm wishing you a fantastic day with many good secret surprises!

and the winner is:

ME! tell her what she's won Bob: A free studio for 3 days!! whoo hoo!!!

it's been an eventful week here in the 'burg. some incredible highs and some incredible lows. PSD's puppy died after a huge mistake in a routine veterinary surgery. the details are heartbreaking, as you can imagine, and will stay off this page. today i spent the wee hours elbow deep in Payne's Gray, as i tried to conjure forth a grand idea that visited my brain last night. it sure doesn't look anything like i planned (as usual) and that's pretty good - now i get a two-fer....the one i made, and the one i imagined, and can still make. not wanting to leave the studio, and get distracted by SALE signs, i sent husband on a mission to the art store to buy some glass etching stuff. (it was by the hunting coat store, so it was a win-win). then spent an hour trying to free a pane of glass from a frame so i could cut the size i need. so very careful. gentle gentle. it came free. i took it to my new metal shop area of the garage and started cutting...to no avail. the glass cutter thing wasn't making that screeeeech noise it should. and it was then i realize...DUH...it was plexi. dang doh dumb. so i did what any self-respecting person in my position would do - called the gallery owner to chat. and guess what? in our conversation about ants and glass, she said there is a 4-foot high stack of glass windows in a secret place! vintage. shhhhhwing! funny how things happen. so me & my glass cutter have a date. me & moto have come to an understanding - it won't ring at work (HELLO MOTO!!!) and i won't download Japanese porn apps. which is what 45% of the "thousands of free apps" are. for real, my friends. and if you have too heavy of a touch as you glide the app menu up, the wrong one gets selected and it's a whole new way of thinking about Hello Kitty. gawd. and seriously? do we need that mobile-ized? so i'm off to snuggle the diva for a few. only pulled 3 ways this weekend, so it seems odd. enjoy...summer is only 4 months away!

you are the...

the lesson of the ant

(Yes...3 posts today...read slow...it may be a while before the next one.) last week, on the phone with the gallery owner where my March show will be, as i bemoaned the fact that my collage work had more suck-wattage per square inch, and with all respect she must be blind or an incredibly compassionate idiot to schedule a show with my work in it, yes, while on the phone with below-zero temperatures outside, in the dead of winter, i turned to look at my ipod for some reason and saw it: an ant. an ANT. and i stopped my ugly-cry, snot-dripping rant/mea maxima culpa and said, "What The Hell...an ANT. in my studio." this must be a sign. so i grabbed my Animal Spirit Guides book to tremulously look up Ant, figuring it must be a sign that seeing an ant tells you to trust your instinct, put down the art materials and go work in a factory somewhere hitting the same nail with the same hammer all day every day, thus leaving choices and options and creativity to those better equipped to deal with a difficult life. all that. but no...it says (and i quote): "It's time to get to work on that project that you've been thinking about and see it through to completion. seek support from your closest friends and family rather than isolating yourself. trust that you'll succeed in accomplishing your dreams. (Can I get a witness) (my interjection in parenthesis). be patient with yourself, those around you, and with any work projects with which you're involved." Jesus, Mary and the Jetsons...holy moly. so i wiped the snot off my face, hung up on Sweet Caroleena, and went back to the studio, reinvigorated, and trusting that God would not allow me to humiliate myself in such a public way. again. although my daily life is pretty much for the amusement of Someone, i had confidence from this ant that this would not be an occasion to fuck with me. fast forward a week. it is today. i am up to my armpits in alligators, all snapping at my confidence today...i am wishing for a hole to open in the earth on the exact spot where i stand so i can just sink into the lava and be done done done with the torment of thinking i can pull this show off. and...a little ant creeps up to my Vat Orange wash on my paper palette and maybe is going to drink a little. NO! i say. and try to save him from certain death. he is my last hope, is how critically close to that place where one minute you're painting, the next you're talking to ants and toasters and putting tinfoil over your windows. and i rush into the bathroom and get a dixie cup of water. trying to think quick - i need to divert him, yet not drown him. i put a drop of clean water on the worktable and scooch him toward it. he sticks his little nose thing in it, drinks a little, cleans his legs and antennae, then starts walking away...leaving a little trail of vat Orange behind him. a reminder. and after all we have been through, i may have accidentally NOT ON PURPOSE i swear, accidentally knocked him onto the floor after he crawled off the table and onto my shirt. i don't know for sure, i was moving fast and painting and schmutzing this about. but he disappeared. so i wonder if he'll take back all that encouragement? like, he'll be all "what the hell?? i came here to help, and you take what you need from me and slam me 20 stories to the ground?" perhaps i'm reading into this a little too much.

worth a 2nd look

Who does she thinks she is?

hello moto

in the middle of blizzard conditions last night, i did something that i think will save me many hours a week...yes, i broke down and bought a droid phone. i have needed to be pulled, pushed, dragged into technology like a cat headed for a bath. i do not Do Not like the sight of people texting, surfing, and otherwise engaging with their electronic so-called life, when there's a perfectly good human sitting across from them. i don't allow cell phones at my dinner table, and no one answers the landline while we're eating. that's what voice mail is for. on vacation, the phones go in the hotel room safe. however, i have a minimum of an hour's worth of face time with my computer when i get home...time better spent making art for my upcoming show which has me freaked out because of course i have entered the "imposter syndrome" phase of creation...time better spent scratching the tummy of a little furbaby (or two). and by coincidence, i have an hour at lunchtime that is relatively free. so i will put that time to better use, and check emails, visit blogs, do banking, etc, and be able to come home with a few extra minutes to enjoy the FurLove i have waiting to greet me with tail wagging. managing obligations=less guilt. and boy, can i hang onto guilt. it may take me a year to figure out how to use this phone...er...mobile device, but there is that hope. so, now, as the sun tries to peek out through the dense snow clouds that dumped Many Feet of snow on us last night, i am headed to hug a diva, tickle a kitten, and Go Make Art because i hate everything i have prepared for my show in 4 weeks. no matter how embarrassing the work may be, i personally, will look good in my spanky new dress tunic thing from Secret Lentil. i worship at the serger of Helen Carter. who knew? UPDATE: I know Pat wonders "how much snow, by the way?" well, it's about plow-guy- stuck-in-a-snowbank deep. i'd take a picture, but it seems cruel. it's get-a-taller-dog deep. it's there-goes-the-garage-roof deep. yes. snowapalooza has come to my home venue.

an open letter to my job

i got an email from Brian Andreas' StoryPeople today, and it. just. was. spot. on. I am grateful for the income my job provides, especially after looking at The Perfect Studio space today. Perfect in every way. Perfect. and only $391 per month seperates me from this beautifully perfect space across the hall from a new friend who's work i've admired for so so long. perfect. and diva could come there with me. perfect. and i could hum and saw and grind and paint and splash at any time of day or night. perfect. except...in order to pay for it, i have to work. if i work, i wouldn't see much of it. so i came home with that particular chinese handcuff wrapped around my heart, wondering how other people do it? how? do they have other people supporting them? some, yes. others no. then how? how do you ask someone, "so how do you afford to not work and own a car and an apartment/house and travel and live like i do except i spend 2/3 of my life making someone else's dream come true?" and not to sound snarky. because i meant what i said about being grateful for employment and i don't begrudge anyone anything. i truly want to know the nuts and bolts and dollars and cents of it all. and in this swirling vortex of thoughts, i opened my email to this: I don't know how long I can do this, he said. I think the universe has different plans for me & we sat there in silence & I thought to myself that this is the thing we all come to & this is the thing we all fight & if we are lucky enough to lose, our lives become beautiful with mystery again & I sat there silent because that is not something that can be said.