ya know that commercial on TV where the kids can't sleep because they're too excited to go to Disney? that was me all week. and the closer it got to today, the more antsy i got. yesterday, i was ready to explode...needing to take a few breaks to just jump. why? this morning i took the most fantastic workshop...i knew it would be, and i wasn't let down. in fact, had i known how good it was going to be, and how comprehensive, i probably would have driven to the instructor's house on wednesday and kidnapped her, making her show me show me show me everything early. yes - i arrived early. yes - the class ran blissfully late late (3:30 rather than 1pm). i am energized and want to hole up and create...sterling...copper...torches - YES! i used the torch without incident (but i noticed everyone sort of gave me room). last summer i took a fabulous class by Nina Bagley, and learned an incredible amount, but was too antsy to sit tight and actually produce anything. today filled in the gaps. i am freaking out, people! so, now i'm going to sit quietly in front of the fire (fireplace - not torch), have a glass of wine, and sketch some ideas before they go pfftt. i forgot to mention that starting next week, yes, you will hear me on the radio again. enjoy your evenings! L

did i ever think i'd make it to friday? No.

This morning I got some startling news...in my inbox...an invitation to my high school reunion. I cannot possibly be that old. i'm not saying which year, but it is double-digit. oy how time flies. of course this, combined with my Lump Event, has set off a deepening time of introspection-with-action phase of my life. i feel like there is simply not enough time to get everything done that i need / want to accomplish creatively. the laundry - can wait. the housecleaning - can wait (and it has for many many months!). it's time to take some time for myself ... quietly...in an environment that stimulates artistically but not overwhelmingly...the scent of pine, or a rolling ocean...a weekend trashing with a like-minded friend...no watches or clocks allowed. which brings me to an interesting thought. a few years ago, i worked at a job that was so hateful that 20% of the staff was on stress disability leave. it was very difficult to ratchet down my fight-or-flight adrenaline pump on fridays, so i could enjoy the weekend and recharge. i began a tradition...every friday, as i got home, i'd remove my watch. it would sit in the bathroom until monday morning. it was a symbolic gesture that told my brain to s-t-o-p the hamster wheel, shift gears, and relax. it worked so good, that i haven't worn a watch in many years. i just left it off one day. i'm am excellent at managing my time - all those years in radio ticking off my workday in seconds and minutes. it's just that i need more to manage! and please, make them non-workweek minutes! speaking of which - it's shower time, followed by re-feed the cat time, then dog-to-the-park time because heaven forbid she poo in her own fenced backyard. now THIS is why i don't have kids. L.

i am writing a book.

make tea. sit quiet. go here. listen gently.

recently, i watched this short video...i borrowed the link from someone's blog, and i apologize i cannot remember where. (i like to give credit where it's due, but my fawlty tower has foiled me). i sent it along to some friends, because it moved me. yes, it's sad on the surface, but it got me thinking about stuff. and you have to admit, this entire past week (for me) has screaming at me to STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN. just like in kindergarten when we learned to cross the street. and some of the week has felt more like STOP DROP & ROLL, i must admit. so the video part is obvious, but it's the subtler life chirps that i often miss as i scurry about my life cleaning up cat vomit and getting yelled at on the job, and trying to make cabbage rolls. but this week was a megaphone of metaphor....from the lump-of-certain-death, to the car "dying" and many other life analogies that bitch-slapped me throughout the course of monday through friday. (is there a cosmic Windows Task reminder somewhere that says "Monday - mess with Linda. repeat 4x?). and it isn't that i think i'm about to face imminent death (or i would have bought the Porsche)...it's just like a call to make choices based on the Regret Factor. there's a fine line between selfishness and self-caring. and i need to learn to walk the line a bit better...not that i'm a selfish person, in my humble opinion - more like, when i stopped/looked/listened, i saw my regret could be summed up as such: i regret that i lived too much for other people. and that's not a good choice if it's constant and at an expense - your own. i seem to naturally put (some) others first, but that sometimes doesn't leave leave time or resources for #2 in line. sort of like "affix your mask first, before assisting others." - hey! an analogy within an analogy! personal best! but last night began a feeling of renewal...i finished clearing/cleaning my studio - something that had loomed as a daunting and unfinishable task...i cleared away my Pile of Accumulated Stuff at the end of the diningroom table - another mess-o-rama (if it's piled neatly, then it's not so ugly - till the cat knocks the tower over). dare i say that i have certain dreams of minor travel that may actually become do-able? and some other stuff, but i'm out of coffee and jonesing, so i'll cut it short. it just feels like a better phase ahead..more manageable...the Tricksters have moved on and made someone else their emotional pinata. little bastards that they are. diva is snoring soundly on one of her many woobies, so i'm going to sneak over and make some jewelry before she wakes up and needs to go out. again. and maybe my husband will wake up and see the cat's handiwork and clean it up. not likely, but one can dream. xoxLinda

“What were you exceptionally good at as a child, that you loved doing and that made you happier than anything?” When you find the answer to that question, you will know what to do with your life. The words and thoughts of Dr. Stephen Covey. We are all born with a unique set of talents, desires & abilities that are our imprint and gift to the world. Go back to your childhood and find the simple things that sang to you... that made you feel alive…we really are all BORN with our work…that it’s born into us, we just have to find it and never forget it once we have. i found these words on Melody Ross' blog, and boy, do they make sense.

the bucket list

so in a recent post, i mentioned my bucket list...most everyone has one, since the movie came out. and although i don't want mine to become a List of Regrets, i realize there are some things that i perhaps would need to rethink before actually ticking it off the list...like the trapeze thing. my physical list should come as no surprise to those who know me...it's organized into sublists. far from the scrawled paper in the movie. and i think this reflects the fact that i take it out and play with it often...kinda like cleaning the studio when there's no inspiration flowing. yes, ok, and the OCD thing: list it, control it. some of my items are not so much about Doing, as Having. there are material things in this world i would love to own, shallow me. things that create an inner experience...a beautiful piece of art, a musical or theater experience, etc. one thing i would love to own before i die is a collection of this. one of each please! and to see Cirque du Soleil, and Kitaro. i would like to astrally project to Paris, and be sitting somewhere very French with a good cup of tea, and of course a beret. i know that sounds double-shallow, but it's my list. i would like to gather all my GirlFamily together and spend some endless hours at a beach house crammed with art supplies & good food & good juju, where we'd plan a giant RAK assault on our respective cities, and see where the dominos fall. There's more, but for now, that's it. Have a fantastic day, y'all! as spring peeks out a bit for most areas, breathe it in...xoxL

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. -lao tzu

If you've ever read The Four Agreements, and wished for an evening with don Miguel Ruiz...here it is: Triune~Sheila Applegate, Meagan O'Nan & Ken Stone Featuring Internationally renowned authors don Miguel Ruiz and don Jose Ruiz Grammy award winning Joanne Shenandoah April 16, 2010 7:00-10:00 pm The Palace Theatre, Syracuse, NY A down-to-earth evening of soul connection, meditation and music to help you uncover the truth of who you really are and to make dreams a reality. Also, April 17: Intensive Workshop with Triune and don Jose Ruiz April 17 The Spring Fayetteville NY 10am - 3pm Space is limited www.sheilaapplegate.com

today i found a lump. the size of a grape. in my armpit. the next 7 hours became a blur. the swirl in my head and the pound of my heart made it difficult to concentrate or form any cohesive thought except ticking off the items left on my bucket list. for real. because that's how i am built, try as i do to change it. one part of my brain goes into Crisis Management mode, listing the things that need to take place, prioritizing and managing. the other part of my brain gets all mushy and paralyzed. so it's a brain management thing - which side will win out. depending on the circumstance, they sometimes get equal time, making for a well-organized zombie. today, it was every man for herself, as i ran naked & dripping from the shower to google. as background: i am older than my father ever got to be. a mystery rash followed by a lump in his armpit was finally diagnosed as the lymphoma that took him. i don't dwell on things, but you have to admit, i have some real cause here. at least at 5am. dripping wet & naked. sitting on a doghaired couch. waiting for an update to update before giving me access to the world wide web of information that i needed in order to get dressed and get on with the day. and a cursory check of a medical site (damn them) with one eye open, found cause for one part of my brain to begin wringing it's hands and planning a trip to San Diego for a Michael DeMeng workshop that i can't afford. unless i am dying. then all bets are off. God bless my Dr for hearing the panic in my shrill voice when i said i needed an appointment TOday, and booking me, even when i couldn't tell them why...I'll tell you when i get there. that's all i could think to say. because i began to swim in denial, or maybe just started realizing that 2+2 does not always =4. she walked in and the waterfall started. a minute later, i'm naked again, and she's doing a breast exam including the armpit (NOTE: DO Your Self Exam and include your armpit. PLEASE). she asked me what i feared it was and i spouted it all...the history of cancer in my family, the symptoms i read (and have)...i told her about the trip i needed to take and other things on my bucket list, and how i have such incredible women friends and felt that their spirits alone could heal and i was afraid i would die before i got to make some art i needed to make but couldn't quite figure out yet. and she let me talk...as if once the door was cracked, the monsters kicked it wide and all my fears came tumbling out in a big stinky heap. and as i named my fears, they got smaller and smaller - the shadow of them lurking was bigger than their actual size, as it turns out. and then - so un-doctorlike - she hugged me. and her nurse sniffled. and she said i wasn't going to die from this lump. it wasn't cancer. and i asked if i could still go to San Diego, did she think? and she talked to me about how she has art inside her that's been nudging to get out, but she doesn't know what kind of art, so she's doing paint-by-numbers. and we agreed there's merit in paint-by-numbers, just based on the smell alone. and i warned her that Crayolas are a gateway drug. and the sweat stop trickling down my back and between my breasts and under my arms to my waist. and i believe i lost some poundage this morning. and there's a very good chance that i was blessed with a chance to re-prioritize some things even more than i just had a month or so ago. and all i could hear in my ears was Frankenstein yelling "I'M ALIVE!" by that time i had completely exhausted myself in worry. (a wasted cannibalistic thing, worry). i am home. i will nap. and then - i will make art. and tomorrow i will deal with the ever-growing auto repair bill. $2K and counting. like a telethon, i tell you. so for now - for right this second - i need you to know how very much i love you. and how very much your friendship means to me - despite my dramatic moments and curveballs in life. and i hope that i am such a friend to you. and if not, then i hope you have a friend that is, to you, what you are to me. and we will, each and every one of us, be rich.

homesick

i am homesick for my girl posse...i have a deep yearning to connect with those women that i hold dearest...to reel in the golden tether that connects our hearts and spirits and grasp hands and walk along a sandy beach or along a wooded path together, sharing stories...as i keep up with their day-to-day via phone, email, blog entries and the like, a sweet lightness fills me ... it is food for my soul. we are far flung in our physical addresses, the places we call home, yet a piece of each resides within my heart. maybe it's the spring-like weather - filled with possibilities and snow-washed air...snowdrops peeking through the newly revealed patches of grass, basking in the warmth of the promise of summer...maybe it's the rebirthing of my woods - buds beginning to appear on trembling barren branches as the snow birds give way to the chatter of returning southern fliers...no matter, i miss the women i hold dearest and am hungry to hear their stories in their own lilting voices and feel their laughter as it resonates...so i hold fast to the golden tether that connects our hearts, and am grateful beyond expression for their companionship in spirit.

by mermaid request

hey nebraska...email issues...drop me a call when you get a chance! ok - now, please visit here...if you're a teacher, or a student, or a person who is concerned...some very thoughtful insight into the state of education and schools from an insider.

it's interesting to me - a person who talks all day for her job - that i feel as though i have no words. i feel like a sponge, soaking in a bunch of opportunites presented to my spirit lately, and i'm all soft and emotional. my dreams have been spirited and vivid. my cravings are for new tastes. a sensory rainfall on me. heightened senses...drinking it in...letting it flow out through the work of my hands...a gathering of dreams around me - not reaching for them, but rather, watching as they sit quietly & brightly ...surrounding me...i am peaceful in my heart, and certain in my soul, and find myself joyously tearful most of the time in deep, deep gratitude for the gifts that have been given me...

my friend susan recommended this . i think you'll like it. ahhh friday...i can stay up past my bedtime, get up way too early and make some beautiful art! and THEN...do it all over again tomorrow! AND! i finally have my drill press set up, and have made some incredible holes drilled in my copper tags. who knew they'd get so hot when they're being drilled?? but anyway, i'm real excited about the designs. will show you some (hopefully) but the end of the weekend. wishing you a fabulous weekend....don't forget to change the clocks...Linda

yikes...so, wait - when was i here last?? it has been a dizzying few weeks. that's all I can say. some good. some very challenging. but i refuse to conjure the challenging back to life by repeating it. just suffice it to say that when you have a 3-person department, and 1 person is chronically "sick," it really makes the other 2 wonder why they came in at all to be abused. that's all i have to say. so the next few weekends are full-up with good things...the Everson is having it's Feast for the Senses the 27th at Watson Greenhouse...lots o art...i'm taking next friday as a vacation day and making some jewelry...we re-ran the numbers, and a vacation is not in the cards, so we're doing a staycation which will include a paintcation of the bedroom, bathroom and (finally) hallway...more jewelry making...and some other stuff that's making me wish my days away. the sun is just beginning to rise out my window right now, and i wish you could see this beautiful blazing pink/red streak of light ...spring birds have started coming back, which means a trip to Derby Hill for the hawk & eagle returns should be very soon. this month i am vowing to take & post more pictures...you've asked for pictures of my work, and i finally found the CD, so that will come. plus just how entertaining can it be to read a blank page?? so i'm off to shower and walk diva, then to work. updates on some glorious stuff this weekend. L

how is it that some can grab onto the tiniest scrap of twinkle and grow it within themselves, while others sit neck deep in a sparkling heap and see a speck of dust and their mind takes that in and grows it and grows it, till all that's left is dirt? despite their best attempts, the pile takes on a life of it's own and soon, everything looks like snow on an April day...you know the kind...still clinging to the curbs and the edges of the lawn...filled with pebbles...icy roughness...with the detris of things buried over a long winter reappearing soggy and deteriorated. how is it?

madder than hell

i try to stay away from politics in this blog. i really don't like to get political. but - i am really honking mad. mad enough to rip off some emails to a bunch o' folk that were elected by someone to watch out for me. and here is that email: I picked up my tax return on Saturday, and much to my extreme panic, I somehow owe $1700.00 in federal taxes. My preparer explained that legislation was passed so that anyone making under $30K got a "break." Fewer taxes would be taken out, so they could enjoy the extra money and stimulate the economy. Someone forgot to tell the IRS, because according to them, I have now paid too little taxes, and they want it back. In 1 month. How could a loophole like this have gotten through the watchful eyes of some committee? While I appreciate the thought, the amount of "extra" money was so negligible that it went unnoticed - until the big payback of tax time. I am overwhelmed with this. My husband & I have 2 kids (my stepchildren) in college. We both work full time (I actually work 2 jobs - being an artist in my spare time) and my husband works for a scientific products company, in sales. We come up short at the end of the month as it is. We pay for college with a home equity loan which creates an interesting "rob Peter to pay Paul" game when bills come due. I suffer from fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, and am technically eligible for SSDI, but cannot afford to leave my job. We are not spendthrifts...I am driving a 2003 vehicle, and he has a company car. Our house is in the same state as when we bought it - with appliances and such from the original 1970's build. We cannot afford to replace them, and pray they don't break down. Is there this much chaos in Washington that they don't stop to look at the big picture before they make a move? I thank you for reading this email. If anyone cares to listen, you may share my thoughts with them. Would it help if they came to live with some of the people they are actually representing, and make do on their budget? now i am not naive...i know some intern somewhere, all of 19 years old, with no mortgage or car payment still living in the gentle cocoon of college and aspiration and wonderment of the governmental and wide world process - will be the one to read and respond to my email, while snickering about the crazy lady. i know this because i was once an intern for a state senator. and although i took letters i read very seriously, and felt true compassion, it was still a young intern reading and responding to the emails and letters. and that was where i became less naive, and more disillusioned, and more certain that it was up to me to watch out for myself. so i guess this is about enough politics for this blog. i am just about as pissed off as a struggling middle class person who drags their fanny out of bed at 5am to go to work can possibly be. L.

what an amazing weekend...husband sick, so he snored on the couch clutching his new remote...i made some amazing jewelry (i must say) that I'll be marketing under the name of Posey Nine. diva cooperated by being a good studio dog (after a looong walk early on)...i got to have a very nice chat with a real live fairy...and when i ran out of gas, i watched a netflix - Departures. amazing! oy - i've said "amazing" a lot haven't i? well it all was. and i highly recommend the movie. it's in Japanese with subtitles. after about 10 minutes, i swore i understood Japanese. bring kleenex. husband is gone for a few days, so it's quiet. i'm reading a great book (ha! thought i'd say amazing again!) called Co-Dependant No More. pretty enlightening. I'd give it to mom to read, but that would only prove I was co-dependant. i'm itching to travel, yet feeling very cocoon-y. i'm feeling Santa Fe-ish, although i've never been there...just feel like i want to slip on some comfy jeans, cowboy boots, a denim shirt and hang with some cool artists. except i don't have any comfy jeans, and my red cowboy boots would get me hooted out of the state. plus, i don't know anyone in Santa Fe. but aside from that, that's what I'm feeling. That, and bunnies. rabbits. for the past month, my crows have been replaced by rabbits...everywhere. and not the easter variety, although the timing is curious. according to a friend of a friend, rabbits mean (among other things) "keep your eyes open for an opportunity that will come & go quickly." quick like a bunny, as they say. so i have both eyes peeled - just in case. i could use another opportunity - i'm getting burned out on this work thing. it's not like i feel resentful for having to work, or that i'm missing out on a luscious art career, it's just that i'm getting older and tireder. plain and simple. it gets harder to get out of bed at 5am, that's for sure...especially when there's a cuddly little dog wanting a belly rub. but...it's good to have a job. and i respect my free time so much more. so there it is. but right now, i have a furball with a jinglebell ball begging for attention, so sweet dreams y'all.

hold sides and guffaw

oh y'all...i am writing this through tears...and trying to hold back a volcano of guffaws - no outright gasping laughter. and ok - i will say up front that you will know i am a mean girl after reading this. or maybe you can relate. after an incredibly strenuous few months of swooning over flat panel TV's, my husband finally bought one. it will be here next week. now, what's the point of a bigass spanky new TV without digital, right? so he signed up for digital TV. which means a new box. AND a new remote. that brings the total to 4 remotes. he has been setting this up for hours HOURS now, blown the fuses once, smelled something plastic=y melting-like once, swore countless times, and has been reduced to muttering things like "video in? cable in? WTF" all while wearing his coalminer hat with the LED light on it while stuffed behind the TV armoire. so far, we got a Spanish version of American Idol and a blank screen. and add into the mix that he is sick. of course he feels worse than i did...he is a man. so that is why i am taking special delight in this. i watch very little TV, so our old TV was fine with me. but he wore me down with his Wanting Of New Technology. and he was frustrated because there was no justifying argument he could make to me, since i truly didn't care, and would point out how many weeks of college a new TV would pay for for his children. when he got a letter advising him that he inherited some money (a small amount - just about the same amount as his Dream TV), i urged him to just Buy The TV and hush. so many many websites and shopping trips and conversations with bored salesclerks later, his dream will be realized next week. for now...the pleasure is mine.

i am so grateful for these past few days of restfulness and creation...i've finished 3 paintings, and am working on a sea-inspired necklace, finally using techniques i learned last fall...it's delicate and lovely and wonderful! i only wish for more time, more days to let my spirit soar and my mind & body rest. so, i will use my remaining time to get a chunk of the necklace done, then tonight - left brain - i start my calculus course. i've sharpened all my #2 pencils and prepared snacks and practiced my best swear words. all set. remember when math was just numbers, and they didn't drag the alphabet into the whole mess? xoxL

ok y'all...i will try to get a slideshow up for you...my day off yesterday? better than planned. went to the gallery to see the show, bought some art that moved me to tears. picked up an INCREDIBLE woodcut that i traded for some of my art (each of us insisting the other got ripped off). made leek soup and swordfish for dinner. painted 2.5 paintings (YES - i painted!). today i will finish the .5 part of the other painting, and make a necklace...something ocean-y is calling me on that. then i will pray to Jesus that i win the lottery so i can stay home friday too. i know He wants me to win...i just keep picking the wrong numbers. He must be very frustrated with me. you pray too. L.

toot

From the Delavan show..."Linda Esterley was an artist in the gallery’s Fiber Art show last year. Her unique use of Australian Merino wool, silk and yak in her over-sized, form core mounted art are the pieces I think of when I think of Linda. She has turned a corner for this show by doing assemblage, not your typical sculpture or fiber piece. Her art is more playful, with her use of jewels, antique items and some text with photos. It’s fun to discover hidden details. All of Linda’s art seems to invite the viewer to touch." And..."The assemblage pieces by Linda Esterley were another favorite of mine. The combination or assembly of old antique items, are a very different and sometimes unexpected artistic direction. But the viewer can see how meticulous the artist is in her placement of the objects. The story behind the pieces is a subject of curiosity—haunting, but beautiful—especially when the artist’s original intention is not directly stated." NOW - get thee to the show...i went...i weeped openly at some of the pieces...yes, i bought. it's that good. L.

yes - it's almost 9am. yes-i am sitting at my diningroom table, bathed in beautiful sunlight, watching little flurries of snow fly about doing their business. i just took Diva for a walk, so she's happy. stayed up way past my bedtime last night, did not turn the alarm on, and am reveling in a vacation day...the first of 2. my body needs rest. my mind needs rest. i need to reconnect with my essential self. there are 1000 things i want to do, but don't want to overload myself with, well, things to do. i want to be gentle with myself today, but not spend another day laying under the covers on my comfy couch. i have this plan: after breakfast, i'm going to the gallery to actually see my show. then to the art supply store. then back into the studio after this long break from creating. and just mess with stuff. yes - i will play. one thing i will not do is: SCRATCH. the itchies are 99.9% gone, and the spot or two that does itch, are down to a manageable, ignorable itch. today is mine. i will not make any big decisions or make myself "accomplish something big." i will rise and i will shine. after that - it's all gravy. the biggest thing i plan to do is clean yark off the carpet. kitten's at it again. so, i wish you each a day filled with blissful nothingness and peaceful wanderings. xoxL.

i am in hell HELL i tell you. it's like, did God say "hey - remember that deal with Job? let's do it again. Yeah!" every EVERY square cell of my body itches in flaming crawling itching madness. Every nook and cranny. my armpits are raw. i am looking for barbed wire right now to hang on the wall and scrape against like the bovine do. i now have 4 prescriptions - 1 that promises to calm things down, but alas will cause vomiting, so another one to help with that and another for who knows what and a case of Aveeno oatmeal bath. that's the funniest trick of all...my tub is muppet sized. i am not. but i was game for anything, so i filled it with tepid water and colloidal oatmeal treatment. the dog ran downstairs shreaking, thinking she was about to get baptized. the cat, however, was intrigued. i got into that tub like Mrs. Gumby all scrunched and twisty, trying desperately to keep all parts wet ...the water did calm things, but some parts had to be exposed in order for other parts to dunk. have i ever mentioned how much i've always hated the tub that came with this house that we haven't updated since we bought it which would make all things inside circa 1970 brady bunch? so i somewhat lay in a harvest gold tub made for bathing a gerbil, twisting...no writhing...and kitten is sitting up on the towel cabinet looking down at me, interested in the splishing noises, and thinking i was possibly playing the foot-moving-under-the-covers game and she is ready to launch. now, the only thing i would hate worse than whatever has befallen me at this juncture in my personal moment of hell would be: kitten launching into the tub and realizing it was actually water WATER that softened her landing, doing a 180 re-launch that would make NASA proud, and leaving me looking like i was attacked by massive swarms of very angry hornets AND a bobcat. so the nirvana of the whole tub experience completely escaped me. i got out, tried to gently towel off, but wanting to grab each end of the towel and drag that bad boy across my welted skin till i lost real blood and thankfully died right there...unshaven legs and all. my yogic breathing has failed me. my lamaze breathing has failed me. screaming deep indigo epithets at the tub and surrounding space has failed me. i am a lumpy, welted, itching miserable failure right now. and if all this wasn't bad enough...the tub, which used to fill with enough water to cover my stomach, must now be more shallow. it is somehow holding less water, because right there in front of me was the great rocky mountain sized, stretchmark covered, very very pale area between my navel and my girls. this used to be a fruited plain. once, long ago, it was a fertile valley. but now by God, my abdominal region has risen above the colloidal oatmeal line of demarcation, taunting. my misery is complete. L.

i'm not sure what is going on with my body, but i feel like a thousand red ants were turned loose on me...all night Scratch Scratch Scratch...some deviant allergic reaction to something...the whole rashy bumpy gorgeous looking ITCHING stuff all over, including my hands. can i just get a health break here?? i itch in places obvious, and hidden. last night my lips swelled up like Angelina Jolie's. now - can i keep that part? oy vey. so this week, i plan to finish off the studio and get cracking on some art. i would write more, but i just want to get in the shower with my bath poof and scrape away at the itchies. L.

Ta Da!

Please welcome a brand new blog into the world... go here and meet the fabulous Elizabeth ...now, the picture you see is not a painting, it's felted. yes FELTED. did i tell you Mad Skills?? Please stop by and say hi often...read her bio...you will want to know her - trust me. Happy Valentines day y'all....i send you twinkles and inklings of love and things about to become. L.

i cannot wait to introduce you to Elizabeth Moldenhauer! I first met her at a fiber show i was in at the Delavan, and since then we've planned to get together many times, but my schedule became unpredictable, as usual. tonight i finally made it - stopping by to unload some roving. can i say...this woman has mad mad skills with roving?? oy. may i never felt again i'm so ashamed compared to her work...and prolific - oy vey...vessels and rugs and felted paintings (think Paris street scenes and incredible cityscapes and landscapes) and baby booties and scarves and beaded felted things too beautiful to look at for long, lest you weep. oh and upholstery and pillows and all manner of custom designs and painting mixed with felted areas. and AND...her passion for her art just glows out at you like a soft beam of moonlight...the hair on my arms just stood up as i listened to her talk about working with roving and felt and design. she embodies the Earth Spirit. she's working on a blog, website or some electronic thing, and will be featured here as soon as it's going. but meanwhile, trust me. New topic: if you get a second, send Judy Wise a card. see her blog for details. as for me - to bed with my stuffed head. and tomorrow the mechanic fairies will hopefully restore heat to my car! yippee! Linda

home again...can't really put my finger on it...just mostly yukky in the chest and my voice is gone. the thing is, i feel mostly fine. just sound a bit like Kermit's older brother. much peace and warmth to you today....Linda

taking a bento break

you may not know this secret about me: i am nuts about bento and sumo. it's true. so while i'm taking a break from the purge (see post below), i found this site ...shopping for Japanese bento boxes on a French website with a Spanish name....perfect. and they say I'M a bit off. L.

the Great Purge

i have been working up a sweat in my studio...purging, organizing, throwing out this, boxing up that for someone who i know wants it...etc. much dust has been kicked up...old dust....and i found myself voiceless and congested today, soooo - a sick day to finish the job was in order. and aside from having everything neat and organized again, there's been a bonus to all this work...a redefining of myself as an artist, and also of what type of art makes my jets fire. i have boxes of silk painting supplies and latex and mould making supplies and plaster and beeswax and, you get the picture. all very different from each other. so it was no wonder that i approached my table confused! one of my favorite shows on TV stars the guy from Hell's Kitchen, but in this show he goes into failing restaurants and turns them around. one of the most common mistakes they make (besides cockroaches in the refried beans - no lie) is the menu is too large and varied for the chef to keep control of. it dawned on me that my studio, and approach to art was the same. (the menu part, not the cockroach part). so as i purge, i'm seeing and feeling what excites me...is it the lineup of Golden acrylic tubes? the (now) neat stack of specialty papers? the (now organized) magazine images and drawings set to collage? the rows of candy colored roving? and in that almost-meditative purge i am re-welcoming my creative spirit back to a clean space where it can speak without all the extraneous shouting from the materials. in the past artless months, i've actually imagined some beautiful pieces. and now i realize that in order to being them to life, i have to give them the proper space they need, and to narrow the choices of materials. sounds counterproductive, eh? but not so. if i know i can only work in, say, fabric, then i'll construct the mental imagine accordingly. if i have a choice of painting it or sculpting it in plaster or metal or assemblage or fabric, then the choices are too many, and nothing will get done...i'll spend more time trying to decide the materials, then lose interest in the project because i'm frustrated before i even begin. so there's been a lot of learning about myself art-wise, and otherwise. my mentor, Wendy Ellertson, has a series of pictures of her 9-foot dragon on her blog...amazing! yes ...9 FEET. click on her link to the right and check it out! we have gentle snowflakes falling here. the temp is in the low 20's, which is an improvement over the past few days. diva is resting after her walk. we went through an evening and half day today of re-establishing her routine. that involved much button-pushing and wolf-howling, but she's settled in again. i woke up this morning to her furry little head pressed against my cheek, sharing my pillow. i ask you - how am i supposed to go to work and leave that precious moment behind? L.

wimmins weekend

so i survived the wild & crazy weekend with mom. 2 gals on the loose in the yarn aisle of Hobby Lobby...whoo hoo! i can't remember what we laughed so hard about on saturday, but one of us was glad for a bathroom close-by. all-in-all, a very nice, quiet boring day 1/2. no TV, just naps & knitting. oh, and a lobster dinner. mom told everyone we met that we were on a mother/daughter weekend. and OH! i saw this yarn that has aloe impregnated in it, so your hands & feet get all soft if you make gloves & socks from it. and i was going to buy some and mom got all nasty about it, saying it would be slimy, etc. so i told her to get right with God or i'd leave her there. so we went back to the hotel room with threats and recriminations being volleyed (oh - that's what we laughed about so hard about), and she opens her suitcase and pulls out a giftie for me me me...gloves & socks made from aloe yarn! and they are lovely. i wore them all day. hard to knit with them on, but oh so nice! so then i came home. having reclaimed diva from grampee. and i got energized and got busy on re-doing my studio. last night i did some thinking about my studio and why i'm not so excited about it, and i looked through a copy of Where Women Create, and realized my studio has gotten overgrown & weedy. i have Stuff on top of Stuff behind more Stuff. and some of the Stuff i don't even use anymore. so ...out with the Stuff. i worked for 3 hours and have 1 shelf done. oy. but it feels good, because even as i touch the Stuff, i remember what it feels like to create. and i'm excited to finish blasting through and get going. a few important changes...i'm turning my worktable 180. this will free up a ton o' space between the shelves and the table, and more freedom of movement on the other side. i'll lose one working end, but my sewing machine is built into that end, so it's all cool. and then...painting the walls and new curtains. i may put curtains across the shelving area. not sure yet. so can i possibly be more boring in a post?? i'll just stop now and spare you! wishing you the Best Week Ever! Linda

come on, get happy

...to quote the Partridge Family (oh just google it if you're too young)...i'm up early and tripping through some blogs and found this: The Happiness Project. it sounded like it might be another sight with pie-in-the-sky dreamy, wishful, someone else's life stuff, but it's funny and meaty and doesn't make you feel worse for reading it! there's even a toolbox! and it's not a self-help serious thing. just fun. check out the toolbox. new topic: this is the Weekend Of Mom. in just about 3 hours, i'll be picking mom up for Part Deux of the Summer Of Mom....you may remember 2 years ago, i went part-time at my job in order to spend more time with mom. each of us thought the other was very ill, although typical of our family - neither mentioned it. so we decided that we'd take wednesdays as ours, and explore our worlds and each other. and i fell in love with her. i still get very aggravated, but feel heart-connected anyway. and i learned to let people just be. so, for my birthday this year, she gave me 12 days...one a month set aside for just us, and a planned activity. today's event is actually a 1 1/2 day event...we are entrusting diva to grampa (i am trusting God and angels to watch out for her) and mom & I are going to a secret hotel location for a pajama party. just us. and bath bubbles and yarn and books and a sack of apples. we're going to knit ourselves silly and do whatever we want. no obligations. Amish paradise, eh? i've been looking forward to it in a crazy way for weeks. we were originally going to bring diva, but her tummy is still a loose cannon...mostly better, but why tempt the Potty Gods? and it wouldn't be fair to her to have spent a week at grampee's then get dragged somewhere new with new things to bark at All Night, then home. and honestly, although i miss her wet little nose and furry belly, i need a day without obligations. now, before you picture a tropical location, realize who you are dealing with: a recovering agoraphobic, and an enabler. so we will be a scant 5-10 minutes from home (depending on traffic)...just in case. but it's still Away From Obligations. and it's still time together. so it counts. even though the location has caused my brother no small amounts of smirking and smiling. new topic: the fog has lifted in my brain...i guess i didn't realize just how rundown my body was from fighting this infection for so many months. i feel so much more energetic and happy. my body can concentrate on serving me better in ways i want it to, rather than marshaling it's forces against germies. i walk into work and greet everyone with "can i tell you how good i feel?" Throughout the day i'll get emails from people "how do you feel today?" just so they can get one of my typically non-serious replies. "crazy good...good like finding a case of dark chocolate candy with almonds and raspberries" "good like realizing you get an extra vacation week this year" "good like accounting realized they underpaid you for the past 3 years, and a make-up check is in the mail." you get the point. and my Secret Cupid project is going hilariously well. many cases of whiplash in the office, as people scour the corners and countertops while trying to look casual. "OH! was that a secret bag? nope just a folder." and the bags are turning up in some Very Interesting Places. in fact, there are some that probably won't be found for a while! i just realized i'm rambling...too much coffee + excitement. so off with you to your own lives. L.

the skinny

finally practicing self-care step #1 ...on antibiotics for a raging UTI ...feel better than I have since October...really really better! shoulda taken care of this biz sooner! now step #2 ...to bed early to help healing body, well, heal! Linda

attention bead lovers

My longtime friend, Rika, just opened up an etsy shop jammed and packed full of beads. go here and drool. i've known her since i was 16-ish (although she is still 21) and she is as warm & wonderful a person as she is a fabulous hairdresser. And her obsession with beads and beadwork grew into a storefront a few years ago. now - ta da! her etsy shop! go now and buy a lot! also check out Swirly's new notecards *swoon* gotta have them ALL! ok new topic. i have the house to myself, and had no need to rush home - diva at grandma's, husband - somewhere in the U.S., stepson in a time zone far away. kitten could care less if i'm here. i had Great Plans for many stops on the way home...an adventure! nah. ended up i left work late and came right home. you will be proud though - a bubble bath awaits! how utterly girly. i usually sit for about 5 minutes, pretending i'm in some ad for a luxurious product, then get antsy and towel off and drain the tub. but it's a quality 5 minutes. i have an item to add to my March Self-Care plan. i am tearing sheets of heavy duty watercolor paper into small-ish squares, and (plan) to do a small collage or splotch paint every day for the month. we'll see. i will strive for this in a gentle way, pre-forgiving myself for the days i suspect i'll miss. but ya gotta have a goal, right? i contacted the yoga studio...i called for a refill on the smoking drug stuff, and will be buying a bento box for my new lunch plan. gotta love bento! there used to be a blog called Bento Yum that was the best. then some scandal or other closed it. for the love of God...a scandal about bento. people, people. i'm going to get some nice chicken soup in me now, then do my lesson on Susan Tuttle's workshop, then...Calgon! Take me away! can i tell you how much i L=O=V=E bath gel? a true addiction. maybe i can knit in the tub....Linda

yesterday morning i woke up (45 mins later than usual) had a cup of coffee, fed the cat, and finally hit the shower. not in a rush, and feeling a bit guilty for the feeling of relief (and almost giddiness) that i had a morning to Just Worry About Me. not worry as in WoRrY...just in the sense of : I had no one to be responsible for but myself. yes, i did feel guilty that the reason was because of 1 little shift in the routine:diva was at grandma's. now, i love that dog with the fierceness of a mamma bear, but the luxury of not having to watch the clock in order to leave time for her morning walk, etc, was sweet. and as the warm water from the shower slid down my shoulders, i realized how little time i take for self-care, and yes - self-indulgence. and how 1 small change made such a big difference. i am always running to or from an obligation...doggie-wise or otherwise. and have made a promise to myself to take better care, and to schedule in the time just for me. i am used to spending hours in my studio absorbed in a project, then feeling guilty if i want to go for a walk alone, etc, so i don't. i looked at my calendar, and february is already filled to bursting with obligations. so- starting in March...i will make these changes: yoga on saturday mornings...another flying leap at quitting smoking...on saturdays i will plan lunches for the week and prepare as many in advance on sunday (so i don't eat drive-through crap all week). right now, that's the best i can do. and i think that's a good start. tonight...diva is at grandma's and husband goes out of town, so i don't have to rush home! maybe a foray to Barnes & Noble. livin' on the wild side, my friend! for now - shower and work. Can I say - i am loving Susan Tuttle's digital photography manipulation workshop?? so easy with her guidance! i recommend. L.

amazing what a little sleep can do for your attitude! i crashed down on my pillow hard and slept through the night. i do not know how people with (real) children do it. my respect is magnified for all parents who have ever had a sick child. i sure was not cut out for that for any length of time. i took a nice hot shower, changed the sheets and down comforter, and decided to read a bit before turning out the lights. the next thing i knew, i was waking up an hour later, book still in my hands, glasses still on the end of my nose. such vida loca! back to work this morning - time to hit the shower. i get to come home to the start of Susan Tuttle's Digital Photo Manipulation online workshop! yippee!! wishing you each a fabu monday and a wondrous week! Linda

Can i just say...i love my mother. she heard the exhaustion and frustration in my voice over the phone and came over. together, we were able to get diva's bandage off from her IV. together we were able to soak and clean diva's raw bum...each of us teary-eyed at the pain she must feel. together we were able to apply a soothing ointment. and diva, knowing she was in 2 sets of loving hands was able to just relax enough to let us minister to her...trusted that even though it hurt, she seemed to know that it had to be gotten through. and then, in an act of kindness so immeasurable, mom hooked up diva's leash and took her for the night so i could rest. she'll stay at Camp Grandma's tonight and tomorrow while i'm at work. i can relax and not worry (as much) throughout the day. i know it sounds almost silly ... i mean, i'm talking about a dog with intestinal rage, but she is my Love. and my Reason. and i hurt that she hurts so much right now. we women are so special to each other, aren't we? speaking of which, i've dropped a card in the mailbox for stephanie (see below a few posts). i'm hoping it brings her a few moments of wonderment and twinkle. pass it around! L.

where's my pillow?!?

we are on day 3 of doggie bombastic diarrhea. she won't eat the pumpkin. she won't eat the rice. she's good with the plain boiled chicken or hamburg though, and although it's bland, it goes through her like, well, shit through a tin horn, as grampa used to say. her poor bum is raw, and she spends much time sitting in the snow - nature's novacaine i suppose. we have been up (and out) hourly for 2 nights now. this morning we took a (very quick) trip to the ER Vet, where they loaded her up with IV fluids and antibiotics. so now she has to pee a lot, too. she is getting exhausted, as am I. when she comes in, she cuddles up next to me and makes a whimpering noise I've never heard from her. my heart breaks. the good news is that Youngblood is in the car with dad and on his way to Newark airport, where, should they make it on time, and should there not be a homicide along the way, he'll be heading to Amsterdam for 17 weeks. and the village sang and much dancing ensued. true to family genetics, they left an hour late and have no idea how to get there, other than vaguely east and a little south possibly, so i am changing the locks on the door just in case. except the garage door, which has broken and remains down & immobile. i am looking for suitable country-western music to soundtrack my weekend. oh - and the carpet cleaner died also, of course. i wish i drank.

post #2 !

yikes! 2 posts in 1 day! well, i've spent the day napping and watching netflix movies, in between runiing to the door with diva dog. her tummy is still ca-razee and she's trying so hard to be a good girl. i just finished watching Beautiful Losers, and thought i might take some time to catch up on some blogs. i have my faves that i check faithfully everyday, and then there are some i check less frequently but look forward to just as much. there's been an almost universal theme of calming, quieting, tucking in. and today i had an Ah Ha moment as I checked here. when i first started blogging in '06-ish, my intent was to just express my feelings about losing Kita. i never thought i'd be writing this long. and i discovered other blogs and journals and friends and people i admired and people i didn't know but felt like friends. and for a while, it seemed that you Had To Be Moving Toward Point B...almost a race to see how fabulous a life you could create from thin air...from wishing and hoping and connecting. and sometimes, i felt like i was running to catch a bus that was going east, when i needed to go west. so i stopped running. and then i felt guilty, almost...like i should WANT to go where the bus was going. and convinced myself that, yes, i can...yes i will. and i watched and read as others went from nothing to successful career in no time flat. i cheered them, but still didn't feel like it was my path, if i was honest with myself. for the past year, i haven't had much of a notion to make art. i fought the fatigue and steadfastly went to the studio every spare moment, till i began to almost resent the time spent there. so i stopped. and felt the relief. and soon began to feel twinkles and twinges of urges to make art. but this whole thing is larger than just making art...it's about the whole Big Beautiful Blogger life. and, as Andrea talks about, comparing & competing. for me, it became inwardly not-so-authentic. and until i read her words today, those thoughts were swimming in a broth, but not gelling. today, i realized that the past few months have been a wonderful gift of stripping away and getting to know myself and my priorities again. and feeling very comfortable with them. i don;t feel that i ever lived falsely...just felt like i should be Doing More. and i may just do that now...time for another netflix! my wish for you: UBU. Linda Please see below...it's important & cool!

a fellow blogger needs cheering

sometimes i think my life is depressing and hard. then i go here and i realize what a whiney-baby i can be. Stephanie survived a plane crash that should have been fatal...the road to recovery has been remarkable and more difficult than i think i would have the courage to face, honestly. i've followed her blog for a while, and darn it, she needs some cards to cheer her up N-O-W following yet another impossibly painful surgery. her address is on the right side of her page. please please pick up a small card or note to send her today. it's the right thing to do, and i just know you always do the right thing! she is amazing...her husband -oy! the man was created in a lab, i swear to you! i will beg just 1 more time...please. thanks for listening. you may go back to your regularly scheduled life. mine includes dancing with the Little Green Machine...2 four-leggeds with a tummy bug...who knew there could be that much in such a tiny tummy?? Linda

snug as a slug

today, i accomplished...nothing! well, almost nothing. Diva had a break-of-dawn vet appointment, then we came home for apologies and pampering with her new toy (and one for kitty too) and some cheese. she promptly hid hers and plays with kitten's. i had high expectations for some art time to work on my new project. we went for a Big Walk through the woods, then i hit the couch and slugged out like it was my job. and i was employee of the month. it is now past 3pm and i haven't showered. and i may not. i am the only 2-legged in the house all week, and tend to revert during those times. i honestly think i could lay on that couch till i became a part of it...cozy comforter pulled up to my nose and staring at the ceiling. after the 3rd consecutive episode of Millionaire Realtors (is it fair? 20-something children closing multi-million $$ deals??) i decided to check the mail. my relaxation had turned to lethargy and was dancing on the edge of that dark precipice, so movement was in order. stuck between the mortgage bill and Joanne Fabric flyers was a lifeline in the form of a note from one of the kindest people i know. her sense of timing is always spot on. so now i'm upright and typing and soon.. *gasp* a shower. i am procrastinating. i am cleaning out my studio - well, i'm PLANNING to clean it out - and am feeling like those people on Hoarders. i went in with a box the other day with the intent of filling it. just one. a medium sized box. and each piece of rusty flotsam i meant to put in the box seemed too precious. i had decided to lighten my load, so to speak. to pick 1 or 2 mediums to concentrate on, and find good homes for the rest of the stuff. but... the anguish. so i dropped the box, turned around and walked out. the truth is, i'm in stagnation mode. maybe the weather, the season, the increased drag on me from increased workload, maybe. but the very thing that usually tethers me is the very thing i have no interest in...art. well, i have interest - i imagine all these incredible projects. i see them complete and hanging on a wall, or on a pedestal, or being worn, depending on the piece. and i'm content with that. although, clearly "contentment" is not what i feel. these imagined pieces are unlike anything i've ever done...filled with the same spirit and soul, but bold and fresh and light-filled, as opposed to the usual dark colors i work with. and it seems that the energy needed to just begin has flown the coop. to just get up the stairs and go to work on them...to burn some nag champa and brew some Tiger tea and bounce in...ppfffftt gone. i've been looking at studio space, and really feel the need for privacy when i work...not being distracted by cats and dogs and guitars and demands and obligations. and i think that may be part of it. sleep has not been a friend lately, with incredibly lucid dreams tiring me. so i think this day of quiet, of being a slug, is good. plenty of room for the mind to roam, after being given the command to work out whatever it is that's causing blockage. so i mentioned the project i'm working on? it's a continuation of the Double Secret Santa project. with a valentine's twist. little gauzy bags filled with candy and a little handmade heart of some sort...stuffed, painted, collaged, whatever. and this time, i'm not putting names on the bags - just dropping them here and there. the first one that was found, was left by the reception desk - the finder thought someone had dropped it. so i started putting tags on them that said "finders keepers" and the buzz has started again. so, the adventure continues. a girl at work is teaching me japanese, one phrase at a time. it will be a very long time before i'm tokyo-ready, but it's fun. and it makes the new employee wonder what she's gotten herself into. i learn a phrase, then teach the other 2 girls in my department. and an office manager in wisconsin is teaching me Czech...he teaches english in croatia, when his Visa is in order. so i'm a bit confused when i answer the phone and hear "mooshy mooshy" instead of "hello" or some form of Blue Arts Language. i need a french instructor now, just for added confusion. i mean, i can't run around France speaking Croatian, can I? i guess Kindness and Integrity are 2 languages that are international though. ok. i promise - time to shower. P.U.! and maybe some Tiger tea. and a little knitting. yeah. knitting. L.

an amazing artist

go here and meet an amazing & inspiring woman. i have an old issue of Art Doll Quarterly that featured her incredible work. 2 years ago, I saw her listed as an instructor at Squam and I knew i HAD to take a class by her. i was not disappointed in the least. in fact, it was a 2-day class, and i really wished for more. i wavered about skipping my next day's class to keep working in the studio with her, but thought i had best go with the plan so as not to create bad feelings for those who were on a waiting list. my mistake. i really wish i had spent the entire 3 days with Wendy. (not that there was anything wrong with the other class!). her work is inspiring, but beyond that, she is one of the most wonderfully unique people i have met...her warmth and light and love for her art shine. her imagination takes you to places you never want to leave. to look at a huge, half-buried boulder in the woods, and have a story to tell about it...right off the cuff...just sparked my own creativity. CrowWoman is a result of that class (well, when she's done). if you are as intrigued as i was, let her know...maybe we can talk her into a few workshop days! but wait until i have hands again! i don't want to miss out!

if you're new here, a little background....my love of All Time was Kita - short for Nikita. He passed away suddenly in August of 2006. and this blog was born. i had intended it to be a way to express the unexpressable, and figured it would last a few weeks. duh. i'm still here. whether or not i have anything to say...depends on the day! but i still insist on filling your eyes with my random thoughts. and hopefully some will make you laugh, and some will make you realize you aren't alone, and some will probably just make you realize that there is no particular requirement to having a blog - they let Anyone in! so grab some kleenex and go back through the archives if you feel like it. some of the best stuff is back there...like right before i hit menopause...now THAT was a year! or not. but thank you for spending a little time with me! L.

je m'escuse

thank you for your emails & comments - no worries...it's not that i'm in a bad place, per se, just stagnant. and wanting to change that out. as i was spending some meditation time the other night, i pictured myself sitting in front of a big suitcase...brown leather with dings and scrapes from travels...leather straps in dark brown that buckled in the front...with an ornate closure in front...i opened it a crack and saw inside - my dreams. i drew out an item and spent some time with it...smelling the fragrance, even after all this time. i turned it front and back and felt the texture in my hands and across my cheek. then laid it in my lap. i sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the suitcase and brought out another item...as soft and cuddly as a worn chenille bathrobe. and a tear slid down my cheek and around my smile. old friends remembered...never really gone...just set aside for a bit. as i saw this waking dream unfold, item after item came forth...some to be chuckled at, some to feel a stirring of an old excitement for...some to clutch fiercely and hold closely, even as the pile grew. soon i was swaddled in the items...each represented by an article of clothing, for some reason. it was like looking through an old scrapbook, or finding a box of old clothes you thought were long gone - some still fit, some outgrown. this waking dream was so comforting...to know my dreams had been kept safe and sound, and were still here.

eventually, just "acceptable" gets old, and the journey begins on the wings of a hawk.

here is my life today...a very VeRy large and deadly spider clinging to the wall at work virtually blocking my path to the fax machine, AND the snack machine. (well, it seemed large. and it may have been a spider. i was moving away too fast to bet actual cash on it, but i'm pretty sure). luckily the path was clear to the ladies room, or i'd have an entirely different story to tell. all day, i just felt it on my sweater. just felt it. it was, of course my imagination. but i can't even read these words without getting oogie. finally home. the dish fairy did not come today, unless it was to drop off my neighborhood's dishes into my sink. and counter. and the other counter. all sticky with yesterday's ribs and other stuff husband cooked for his daughter's last night at home before college. apparently Youngblood was busy with Other Things today, and didn't get to it. tonight, y'all must be watching the bear, because i can't get on the site, however, i do have an interesting animal of my own to watch...you know how when you buy socks? they have that paper band around them? and it has adhesive on it? the cheap socks, i mean. the kind i buy because one will get lost in the dryer anyway? somehow somewhere, diva found one. and thought it would be great to make a point that i was gone all day and she was pissed and grandma didn't come walk her and the cat smells bad and ate her food. so right now, she has this same sticky thing stuck on her paw/leg and it's making her fairly mental. but prideful animal that she is, will not let me assist. she got her face fur stuck/unstuck on it for a while. so we hhave loads of entertainment. geez, aren't i just the ambassador of Upstate NY? we just kick it here. what next? cow tipping? so this Paris idea is really kind of getting stuck in my brain. i may even buy a beret. just went to check - still can't get on the bear site. the BBC did an article on it, so now the whole world is watching. if you do get on the site, check out the nails on that babe! sheesh! ok. so Dr appt thursday and hopefully some answers. or at least a definate check off the list. which reminds me i have paperwork to do. it never really hit me how disrespectful it seems to observe a day set aside to honor a person(s) by having retail sales. until today. i mean, how, i ask, does it teach about / honor / respect / remember a man such as Martin Luther King Jr. by having 1/2 off mattresses? and to water it down to the "MLK Day" doesn't do it for me either. i mean it takes an act of congress to get the darn day set aside as a holiday in the first place. why bother, if there is no observance? why not have Lincoln memorial hour, or Martin Luther King hour? and in that hour, read about them, or have silent observance of their lives? but now it's all lumped together as President's day, or Columbus day, which have become meaningless to their original intent. unless you are a shopper or a teacher. oy. i rant. but feel bad. i do not want to have advertising on my casket. (not that i expect a Monday holiday in my honor). oh - hold on...Diva has come for help with the sticky thing. ok, somewhat better. more like a brazilian wax for her, i suppose. she's sure to tell grandma on me about that. so i still can't get on the bear site. ok - off to do paperwork for the doc. happy monday, and wishing you a teflon tuesday! Linda

my obsession

ok - now you may remember my obsession with the falconcam? my friend QOTU sent me this site, and i'm about to quit my job and just watch this. Lily the bear is expected to give birth any time now. and i just want to see this! so boil some water, grab some towels and sit for a while with Lily. maybe make some nice tea with the boiled water. whatever you choose. have a fabulous week! new topic: i'm still not sure if i'll be at the art show opening thursday night, but the show is huge and beautiful! at least 10 of my favorite local artists will be there. so if you can't find SOMETHING to match your couch, then you are just too picky. :) new topic: anyone interested in a trip to Paris next year? Linda

crows & hawks

so my life is surrounded by crows and hawks. if you know me at all, you know my love of crows and hawks. i would love to have a crow call. but if i did, i would NOT stand out in our deck calling them in, like hillbilly husband calls owls unaware. a friend once told me that in some native american cultures, the crow is considered the Messenger. and i went with that, and have wondered what message they may be trying to get me. after a few nights of crow-filled dreams, i consulted an expert. she wrote back (and i am most grateful for the long & thoughtful response)that the crow is most often considered the magician or alchemist. (i paraphrase here). hunh. and the hawk is considered to be a messenger. well, i spent some time with that. and it all seemed to click into place the other morning as i waited in the shower for my conditioner to condition. now y'all remember the fateful word i chose for 2010, right? "Authentic." such an innocent, perky-yet-righteous word, bless it's heart. yes. umm hmm. and just days ago a little scrap of authentic burst forth, looked me in the eye, did a neener dance and bitch slapped me right before i knew what was about to happen. you remember that part? ok. hold on, it'll all tie together. so here i am working on a sculptural piece of a CrowWoman, and having not one, but 3 crows present - Tazo, Dreamweaver, and as-yet-unnamed baby girl crow. and i'm waiting for a message, right? i figure i have 3 phone lines to the universal brain, and a calling card handy. i am Set Up. so. it turns out that the Crow, is not quite the messenger in my life. as the steamy water rinsed the conditioner (we're back in the shower now), it came to me...the crow energy has helped to make a difficult year easier, by creating magic & subterfuge. not in a malicious way...more helpful in the sense of a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. (props to Mary Poppins). i've had a sense that 2010 is a year that promises to shake, rattle and roll quite a lot of things, in a big way, for a lot of people...chaff being seperated from wheat...being asked to go past your "set" point and reach further...in happy ways, and in uncomfortable ways. so i am grateful for crow energy to help soften the edges of what promises to be a difficult and uber-rewarding year...a year of great transitions and movement...a year that will end with a skid and a What The Hell Happened There? i've watched hawks and falcons intently. the redtail that lives in my woods is a nesting bird that sweeps through the trees as if there is no obstacle. she flies just feet from the top of my head sometimes (heightwise) even though she's flying through an area semi-dense with trees. she is intent on her goal. the peregrines are amazing, as are the cooper hawks....they zero in on their prey and tuck in like rockets, often reaching speeds nearing 200 mph i'm told. so it is my feeling that the magic & alchemy of my companion crow was much like a stand up comic who jokes about the hardships in their life...turning what could've been an upsetting situation into fodder for entertainment. and that is pretty much how i live my life. the hawk is calling, however, to get down to business. what business? i have no idea. i'm sure i'll find out though. life is tough to avoid. there have been some deep & fast issues around the household that have been abruptly brought to the surface and excised. much like the speeding hawk slamming into it's prey, issues have been as furiously dealt with and resolved...with no excuses or time for thoughtful contemplation...just Stand And Deliver. it is possible to live an acceptable life, but who the hell really wants just an acceptable life? the Magicians can make things acceptable, but now the hawk is calling to get past the barrier of just Acceptable, and move toward Authentic. so it promises to be an exciting year. i will carry "authentic" with me, giving it a bit of room, like a bad diaper, but accepting that it will all be good. like little debbie swiss rolls. by the way: if you're in the area, i've been invited into a show at the Delavan Art Gallery that opens Thursday night. i dropped off some pieces today, and it's going to be HUGE. stop in and bring your checkbook. i have some older pieces that really are sick of living here with the fear of the cat face-planting them. buy. it's the kindest thing. Linda

authentic

so my word for the year was "authentic." in my mind, this meant living true to my heart and my values and my hopes and my dreams - you get the picture. well, can i tell you? sometimes you don't really know what you're getting into with a word. a word sometimes has a mind of it's own. like the adage "choose your words carefully," i have learned that you need to think carefully about words. they are coyote tricky. this week, i learned some things about myself. authentic things. things i didn't know were lurking somewhere in the basement of my brain, near the boiler room, in a creepy cobweb closet. i learned that i can have some very not-so-nice feelings towards people. feelings so visceral that they literally lay me flat with illness. i have noticed that when i meet someone, there are 1 of 3 reactions...either an instant chemistry, or a neutral hi-how-are-you, or a full out visceral dislike. and in the third category, i never really know why i have that instant wariness / get away from this person feeling, but it almost as dense as a foam cushion...it's like a sip of curdled milk. and there has been a person in my small, tiny office room that has activated that in me since she began in our department. i have tried to sit and think of good things about her, and i have beat myself up over my feelings toward her. i'm certainly not proud of it, and very very surprised that i could have those meangirl feelings. now you should know i've never done or said anything that would reveal how i felt...i just felt this horrible feeling. and certain events collided on tues that just brought everything to an overflow point. i ended up leaving work early - before any steam escaped. and took yesterday off because i had literally made myself sick over my feelings and also for feeling what i was feeling. but it was authentic. and it was not my best moment with myself. i am sensitive to what others put out there, and do believe that my feelings were in reaction to the vibe she has around her. and her actions, as they became revealed, have proven that right. but i was disappointed in myself for not triumphing over the warning. no matter how loud & strong. for entertaining it. for letting it occupy my thoughts. and now i feel like i need to spend some time cleansing, if you will. i brought Tazo Baby Crow to work today, his cage festooned with brightly colored yarns and threads, to remind me of my artspace. to remind me that i am not what the job is trying to make me...that i am capable of gathering light and pushing it outward, and that that is part of my Job, my Reason. so i will continue with "authentic," but will walk a wary path with her. and crap, it's only january.

ok. so when husband and i first got married, we bought furniture. it was a grueling, horrific experience, and my behavior was quite bad, i admit. on the day we stopped to "just look," we were coming home from a weekend of kayaking in the Adirondacks. i looked like ass, and predictably, had gotten my period, so was in full Medusa warrior mode. all i wanted was a nice shower, 5 Motrin, and a case of Snickers bars. i did not want to go furniture shopping. previous outings in that arena were eventful and lively, shall we say, however i was able to keep my mouth shut by bringing my blood pressure to a boiling range, thus keeping the brain occupied with explosion rather than speaking. this particular day, 8 years ago, however, hormones were free-ranging throughout my bloodstream looking for cocoa molecules, and finding none, decided to help the brain not explode by letting the mouth have it's way. it did not help that i was in a serious mental state anyway, having gotten my 1000th Bad Perm a week before, and between the wind on the lake, and the wind in the car ride home, i looked like cotton candy with legs. and no makeup. and my legs were hairy. well, stubbly. it did not help that the sales clerk was fresh off the Streets and zeroing in on my new husband. (this has been validated by another witness - the actual husband). this new husband was blind (yeah, right) to the salesperson's obvious come-ons, or so he claimed later in court, which further fueled the fire. I do recall needing to bring him outside at one point to explain why we needed to leave immediately, and failing logic, yelling I Will Not Buy A Dining Room Set From That Woman. I Will Not. She Will Not Be With Us For Every Meal. (now, you're shocked. but i say wait until perimenopause hits you between the ovaries, my friend). so today, armed with fresh new years promises to play nice, we returned to the very same store to look at new bedroom furniture. and there She was. (i was impressed, and gave her silent kudos - i have never stayed at a job that long. nor a marriage, till now.) but i am older & wiser, and not subject to the hormonal fluctuations that ruled me then. good and bad, i guess. now, i have no excuse. and, i admit i was impressed as my husband veered, actually Veered, away from her and beelined down the stairs to the clearance department. away from the beautiful Harden bedroom set visible from the entry. and from her. we mingled with legless chairs and scarred tables from the Island Of Forgotten Toys for a bit, then cautiously went back up. and there waiting for us, was a whole new salesperson. her name was Kim, and by the time we looked at bedrooms, dining sets, and occasional tables (wtf is an "occasional" table?? what is it the rest of the time??), i could imagine inviting this new salesperson over for chocolate martinis. so with the tension level at normal (our normal) we perused. and when i fell in love with a rustic style bedroom set, my husband looked at me and fairly yelled What Is Wrong With You?? Who Are You?? Kim's mouth dropped and she fought the flight-or-fight urge that all commission salespeople deal with regularly when they sell items that need marital consent. see, i'm an Arts And Crafts style gal...Stickley-ish sort of with a little funk. and all this bedroom set needed was a rifle rack headboard. Gustav would plotz. but i liked it. and the designer's name was Dick Idol, Urban Craftsman. what's not to love? the not-so-new husband was amazed - here he was looking at Oak or Cherry Harden in a display area where people whisper, and I'm going all Annie Get Your Gun on him. but it was done nicely, the furniture was. and well built. and then, just to reassure Kim, we told her the story of The Other Salesperson. complete with the part where she bumped her boob into my husbands arm while describing the carpet swatch color as "Leche." and me being lactose intolerant. and Poor Sad Woman About To Die At Work intolerant. and Kim collects rocks, so she can't possibly be a bad person. the only sad moment was when we thanked Kim for her time and left empty-handed. i don't know if she was more disappointed or relieved. but it was another test passed for the husband and I in 2010. people of opposite tastes in everything, shopping for something, and both coming out alive. and i may call Kim next week to go for a latte or martini. she deserves it. which reminded us of another side-splitting moment that only hindsight can convert. we were at our 2nd marriage counselor, a dweeby little man that is a cartoon of every therapist. he did not ask us about potty training, but almost. and the only thing in life that husband and i agreed on was that we would rather shoot one another than have to endure him one more session. so we kept that night's appointment, out of respect for his time, not ability, and comments and retorts began to fly and my husband accused me of having an affair, whereupon i told the shocked therapist that indeed i was -and at the Very Same Moment, as if rehearsed, we both said "With Donald Rumsfeld." (i had a brief crush on him. so shoot me). and we both became silent, staring at the man as if this was all true and made sense. it was the perfect improv. and honestly, i come from a long line of comedians, but my husband - not so much. although he is a salesman, daily improv is not his forte. at all. and it was certainly a shock to the counselor when, 2 days later, he spied my brother and I walking arm-in-arm across a parking lot from a movie in the middle of the day. but not nearly as shocked as I was to note his movie date was a counselor i had seen one time only (without husband)who i named Sadistic Bitch. she was nasty & aggressive, and clearly should not have been allowed inside people's heads. so there you have it. a day in my life, with surrounding addendums and embellishments. have a great week y'all. L.

ahhh. the quiet of a sleeping house. the aroma of a steaming fresh mug of really good coffee...and the beginnings - just the inklings - of something stirring in my spirit, whispering me back to the studio. my hands, this morning, swollen and painful, are not cooperating, but i know that by the end of my coffee, they will start to behave...then what? in my studio i have a small task area, away from the main workspace. a smaller table facing a wall, boxed in on the right side by my stainless shelving, and boxed in on the left by more shelving. a cozy area that i love to just sit in sometimes and put things on pause. this is where i do beadwork, soldering, and small collage pieces. i have a favorite painting by the fabulous Jacqueline Bequette hanging there, and some small totems and personal pieces i've done. it's my womb. my cocoon. and it to that area that i feel pulled. the other day when someone asked me what i was working on, i said "painting." now, i don't paint. or draw. but it came out of my mouth before the brain assessed the comment and had time to snort & correct. and it felt correct after i'd said it. so i sat with some paint for a bit, and you know, it felt friendly. the result was nothing spectacular, but it was kinda fun, i have to admit. so i'll smoosh a little more in a minute. just wanted to say hello. it's funny, but as pulled in and cocooned as i feel, i'm also feeling the need to be in virtual contact more...sort of touchstoning. so i apologoze in advance if i overwhelm with emails! Linda

my diva awaits with fuzzy bunny in her mouth, looking expectantly at me...fingers (mine) still frozen from our QuickWalk, so she will have to wait a little. this lull continues...lull, as in lullaby...an inkling beginning to spark a bit towards a project, but i feel as though lately, life is being lived through a deep, dense fog...slow, quiet, soft...not depression, but just, well, difficult to put a finger on or explain...more of a cocooned contentment...and i feel like i should step softly, so as not to disturb it. a grace, of sorts. i feel a challenge will be coming, but for now, am at peace with this weightless limbo. i am wishing you peacefulness with little sparkles shining through...now - i hear a wolf howl, so it's off to gather diva.

i'm sitting in my studio on the comfy chair, a mug of Tiger tea wafting up from the cup...Cinnamon & clove warm goodness. the snow hasn't stopped in days...today husband had to re-dig the trails for Diva - the snow is double her height. i worry about her knee and hope she doesn't hurt it again. she seems to know to be careful, so maybe i worry too much. a slow stirring of an awakening is beginning...not yet a call to be creative, but more an internal sorting through of things with sleepy eyes...i'm glad for the gentleness...such a change from last year's grab-and-shake changes, and the fierceness of 2 years ago...this is kinder, more ginger-and-vanilla. and a call to ritual vs. routine is slowly peeking through...replacing the routine of waking, animal feeding, animal walking, and on & on with preparing food for my beloved 4-leggeds...that sort of mind shift. and a call to soften, and expand - but gently, slowly, and at my own pace rather than making a determined list that must be adhered to. yes, i am a listmaker extraordinaire. i bought myself a little vase for christmas that has a Rumi quote on it: "Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you love." yes. featherwalk. i actually intended it to be a gift for someone, but then i listened to the quote, and kept it. :) such a slow, quiet, cozy, soft mode in so many...not lethargic or sickly, but more contented-with-reservation...there seems to be big things in the works ahead for the year, but for now, rest. L.

mac and jeez

i got an incredible email from my 90-year old uncle. he's giving a talk about his experience as a young boy growing up in Palestine. i give him props for remembering that time, as i can't remember yesterday. then...i got the email again! and again! and again! yes, the replicating email syndrome. and *gasp* by sheer coincidence, my trial period of my anti-virus protection ran out, ummm, let's see, oh! i know! i know! pick me! that day! ding ding ding! you are correct. and wait - bonus round - this happened once before, recently, when? that's right Vanna - when the OTHER one ran out. do i want a Mac? yes. i am a PC and i want a Mac. but my new burping computer is just 6 months old-ish. alas. so i will take it to work and bribe the IT guy with Snickers bars and he will fix it (again) and tut-tut me and then all will be happy. so i'll just be happy now, knowing Snickersman will fix it. we have feet of snow today. i opened the door for Diva to go out, and the snow was deeper than her. she looked at a wall of white blocking her exit and said "hey! where the outside go??" so on with the boots (mine) and shovel shovel shovel a path for her to go potty. not in her preferred area, though, which is quite far from the door, but still private. she is a dog who requires privacy, unless she's leaving a message for her buddy down the street. then anywhere on his lawn is fine. so the husband and i have a list of things we would like to accomplish this year: repaint bedroom, repaint bathrooms, re-do livingroom, re-organize kitchen, learn to salsa dance (my contribution), cook more and have an open house every month (or so) with any new recipe that seems edible. he would like to socialize more. so in that spirit, we bought new lamps yesterday, re-organized the kitchen, and went on a pub crawl. all 3 of these events were done in a spirit of cooperation and consideration. that is new. so our promise to each other on New Year's eve for a clean slate and restart (with conditions) is off to a good start. and it only took 3 lighting stores befor we agreed on the most INCREDIBLE lamps. i love these lamps. they were not cheap, and had silk shades in paisley/orange shades. unfortunately, we replaced those with beige pleated oval-ish drum-like shades. well, the goal with new lighting was to - ummm- lighten up the livingroom which is dark as a cave in the winter. the silk paisley/orange shades blocked a lot of the light from the bulb. the lighting lady said we should use the shades to make a hanging light, which is a fabulous idea. so the new lamps make the room so so much brighter, and more like adults live in the house, as opposed to the mismatched (TOTALLY) ones i brought along when we moved in. i had one of those lamps from 1980, okay? we're re-doing the bedroom and maybe bathroom upstairs in robin's egg blue-ish turquoise and taupe. there are dark wood accents everywhere in the house (craftsman style-ish) so it will be good. i'm excited. i plan to (again) re-do my studio. i won't bore you with the details, but as soon as i find an Incredible Hulk to turn my worktable sideways, i'll be ready for the re-do. so all-in-all, it truly is a time of renewal in my house. husband went to Buffalo at 7am to watch a Bill's game with a bunch of manly men friends. the stadium is not covered. it is outdoors. it is cold. they will suffer and appreciate their wimmin more when they arrive home 12 hours from now. so back to wrestling with the rabbits in my email...because i just can't stop myself. wishing you renewal, cleansing, and spirit ....Linda

ps

what's your word for the year? mine is "authentic," but i really think it means "integrity." so as usual, i am taking more than one!

something new in something old

we went here......... where wisdom......... and relaxation.... combined with a calm, sleeping lake, gourmet food, warm flickering fireplaces, good wine, and a sense of Being Away...setting a line of delineation between what Has Been and what We Will Choose to Accomplish. under the glow of the chandeliers, and anticipation of a new year - new beginnings - we tried to sort out the things that had gone astray, from the things that may be worth saving...purging away the useless and making space for new things... symbolically and literally...as an organizational frenzy took hold when we returned and the kitchen has a new look. today the livingroom. but more so - a spirit of cooperation and acknowledgement of the other and what they bring to the relationship. all solved? no way. but a good line of communication has been established. and hopes are high on both ends of that line. 2010 holds many secrets yet to be discovered...i can see her smiling at the anticipation of what she holds. (ps: i ended the old year, and began the new with The Best Belgian waffles i've ever had! a lucky sign for certain!)