not bad

twice in a month - not bad.  i love the freedom i've given myself to come here when i want, rather than feeling like i should.  
so. here's what i'm busy with…though i don't feel busy.  i feel rather like i'm wasting this gift of life…like i ShOuLd be doing something…moving forward…shedding skin, Becoming once again.  yes, it's spring, but so far there's been just one day of spring-like weather…tonight the wind whips and the rain torrents down the roof.  Henry will try to hold out as long as possible before absolutely needing to go out.  I try to train him to use the potty pads in the downstairs (unused) shower stall, but he has his pride.
so.  how am i doing?  much better, thank you.  i have moments of fear and moments of sadness and moments of flashing anger.  but nothing like the blinding fear/depression/rage i felt during the past 2 years.  things have settled, and now it's time to decide where to land - stay or go…here or there…i have a new job that i enjoy, and Henry, and a too-big house.  i have days where i spend too much time on social media to feel like i'm connecting with other humans, and days where i spend a lot of time connecting with other humans.
but my passion has been stirred.  it's a long route through a fertile land - i am working at this new job because it let's me out at 2pm so i can take classes and also work at my organizing business. I am writing a grant to raise money to create a teaching kitchen…this is a very long story (even for me).  But I want to have a place where the underserved can come and learn how to read a recipe and cook nutritious and inexpensive food - a la Good And Cheap cookbook.  I want the participants to leave with a grocery bag filled with those same ingredients and a copy of the recipe.  I want the kitchen to be available for those who don't have working appliances - they can come and cook their meals for the week and freeze them.  i want Food Banks and farmers to bring their overages to us.  there is no shortage of food - only a distribution issue. i know this to be a fact.  i want this kitchen to be located in the same area where participants can walk to it…transportation is not easy.
on a personal level…i am done being too nice.  it has gotten me only resentment and a circus to clean up after.  this week, i've taken a stand against two bullies, and let's see how the world spins.  i am naturally a gentle and non-confrontational person.  these traits have been misconstrued as being a pushover.  i suspect the issue has been straightened out.
i'm sorry for the ramble - sleep was far from my eyes last night, and my boss decided today would be a great day to train on some complex tasks….so it's all i can do to keep my eyes open (since 3pm).  i should just step away from the computer right now, and finish this when i make more sense……

how are you?

brave enough

You go on by doing the best you can. You go on by being generous. You go on by being true. You go on by offering comfort to others who can't go on. You go on by allowing the unbearable days to pass and by allowing the pleasure in other days. You go on by finding a channel for your love, and another for your rage.
- Cheryl Strayed,  "Brave Enough"