"…you knock at the door of reality

shake you thought-wings

loosen your shoulders

             and open."

"…but don't be satisfied with stories

how things have gone for others.

Unfold your own myth,

without complicated explanation,

so everyone will understand the passage -

we have opened you…"

leafing through "The Essential Rumi" to find poems to paint on my walls this weekend.  These two will be awesome, plus my favorite Night Sky.  a quieter morning as a certain amount of Tetris goes on inside…feelings, thoughts, beliefs, hopes…all thunking down into a snug spot, fitting up against each other just right.

Still trying to find a home for Purrl.  he is miserable with the lack of attention, and has begun to show it by pooping on the carpet.  he has been such a good kitty - he deserves a quiet home that will give him loads of play time indoors.  my allergies are wicked, since it's rained non-stop forever, and i haven't been able to open the windows to clear the air.

hey - want a cat?

I mailed my check to new Hampshire today.  not sure what's there for me that made this great pull, but i will honor the guidance.

now - off to walk Henry through the shelter of the tall pines where the rain can't get us.  but the mosquitos can.

a rainy saturday afternoon, as i get ready to meet a friend for dinner.  i love the rain…i sat out under the gazebo earlier, after i finished the laundry and dishes and grocery shopping & reorganizing the shelves in the medicine closet.  i try to keep busy :)
my friend, the chef from Ireland, gave me his cooking school cook book…a hefty volume, if i do say so.  an amazing gift.  and it started to reignite the urge to prepare love on a plate…to move about my kitchen with purpose, and set a beautiful table and gather folks for conversation…all that being creativity of another sort.  i am slipping into my new skin, these days…casting off the dark & heavy cloak for a lighter step, a less clumsy step…confidence and renewal has spun a golden shawl for me and i feel proud to wear it - the patched spots well earned.  so much was lost for no good reason, but it is certainly time to step out of the ring of destruction and move ahead, without looking back.  i reclaim my place in this physical house…making drawers and cupboards work for me…selecting colors that sing to my soul…finally hanging my artwork, and the artwork that i've collected.  my studio has a large area cleared and ready for work…still some outer areas to finish up, but the main part of the studio is usable once again.  and it is a studio.  not an office.  not The Big Room.  not "your room up there."  it's My Studio.  how long i'll be here - who knows?  but a good place to catch my breath, perhaps grow roots, perhaps move out for adventure…time will soon tell.
wishing you a cozy afternoon & evening - even if it's 100 degrees….

"The space between
the tears we cry
is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more
The space between the wicked lies we tell
and hope to keep safe from the pain…"

did i listen to that song hundreds of times in the past few months…years…?

somehow, I've squeezed through that space, and have, indeed, found the trampoline to bounce out of the rabbit hole…yes.  everyday is Yes.  and more.  is it everyday easy?  au contraire.  some days are totally a joy and a wonder and candy frosting on an ice cream scoop of love.  somedays, it's just shit.  but that all meets at the median point of pretty damn good, my friend.  it's easier in that i know where the edges are, and i can step to them if i choose…or not.  i can listen to my body and respect it's needs.  there is no more martyr in my soul.  the strong intuitiveness has found it's voice in me again.  and now a new space occupies my need to make art once again…to restart and jump start and get the fire going - to dance and proclaim and cook a soul s'more over.  and that new space, despite all this oogly googly talk of dancing around fires and proclaiming, the new space is a calm, intuitive assurance deep within.  i feel the last gasps of struggle, as the need to KNOW what's ahead and control it fights against the certainty that all is well.  even if it isn't, all is well.  there is a reason and sometimes you just don't know why until after….whatever after after is.  and it isn't fake-it-till-you-make-it, or keep up a good face - because God knows mine has been streaked with ugly cries.  it's more that knowing, as you go through hell (and we all do) that there will eventually be a reason to be grateful for the fire.  and pray that you can get through quickly!
so the new space sounds more like this:

"…We are the night ocean
filled with glints of light.
we are the space between
the fish and the moon
while we sit here together…"
Rumi

My favorite poem - soon to be painted on my new bedroom wall.

I am returning to a place that started it all in my soul…i am returning as a different person…i'm not sure why this absolute need to return, but it is a strong pull, and i've learned to heed that.  I thought that I'd put everything in those woods to bed, but i am new, and for reasons i don't know, there is something for me there, once again - perhaps a connection to make, perhaps to be someone else's connection, who really knows…but it is certain that i belong there this year.  and having had some amazing opportunities presented to me this season…none of them settled right within my heart - through no disrespect of the offering NONE whatsoever.  i would love to be on a private island with a private chef and all the art materials i needed!  and the offer was amazing - just come.  or travel to New Mexico…*groan of longing* or see the amazing goodness of a treasured soul on the Pacific coast - again, Just Come! thank you - from a deep place in my heart, thank you.  but it isn't where i was meant to be this season.  i will follow the leading of my gut, for once! and speaking of gut - time for lunch, and a walk in the woods and then to work.  Thank you for holding my place here these past months…for returning to check on me…did you know I held each of you in my cupped hands and brought my hands to my heart each and every day?  hard to believe but true.  and in that act, you helped me stay grounded…helped me re-remember that there's more to this than the moment, and that my life's worries had been traveled through before by you.  thank you for looking back and grabbing my hand…

so where were we???

here's where i've been...

in my woods...

just dandy - walks with Henry

henry finds a prize

 (mama deer walks thru my yard every day - sometimes with her spotted fawn!)

(Purrl)

 (the new guest room, with Purrl NOT sleeping on the old white bedspread he's been sleeping on forever - choosing instead to sully up the new one)

 And I have….

Yes, it has been a long road, and i'll spare the cliches here, but i now know the meaning of being "pulled through a knothole backwards."  yes.  i have been breach born into this new life, and it has been as rough on me as the One trying to birth me.  The waters are deeper here, but clearer…and like the ocean's salty water, it buoys me…i feel held aloft on the tears I've shed…yes, i feel an entitlement to claim my spot here - something new.  not a boastful, smug entitlement, but an acknowledgement to the gift of the past few months and past 15 years - i have grown and become the woman i now am because of the that time. it's funny, when a woman would say to me "i'm divorced," it was'nt something that resonated in any particular way with me…just, oh - she gets to sleep in and make ice cream sundaes for breakfast if she wants.  now i know that those 2 words carry with it so so much more…so much that unexplainable...the tears…the fear of almost everything dissolving…the standing up and getting knocked down and standing, once again.  seeing some friends pull away, as if it's a disease to be caught…seeing some pull away for no real reason that you can imagine.  seeing some friends, old and new, stand so close to you that you can't possibly fall down, and taking your midnight calls to say the same thing over and over…i am so deeply grateful and so deeply aware of how blessed i am…love bombs and bath bombs and books and banners all helped me through.  a quick email or text arriving at just the right time…a trip south to visit a mermaid and laugh deeply at catastrophe. (side note: i have a painting that says "Catastrophe is sometimes a good thing."  amen.  So now my job is to find my place in this new world…what is my unique talent to bring to the world?  what is it that I want to do with the rest of my life?  i have a few nudgings, and it really is time to get the party started on them…i am scared and excited.  mostly excited.  and i miss you so very much….

I'm in too good of a place right now. Literally. Let me explain. This room I sleep in...this small-ish cozy corner that's decorated so nicely and has windows on two walls that peek out to the woods...wraps itself around me like a hug.  It's difficult to leave this bed, this room. Have you ever had a room in a house like that? Henry sits on the edge of the bed staring out at the squirrels and chipmunks, willing them to come closer ... Listening to the robins and warblers in the trees and bird houses posted just outside the window.  I've been trying to decorate and paint the big upstairs bedroom, to re-establish myself in the big California king bed. But it just makes me feel uncomfortable to think of it. Maybe I've gotten so used to the Tiny idea, that my head has reset. Who knows. But it makes sense to sleep the summer in the big room, because it has air conditioning. Once summer kicks in full force, I'll be glad for it. I am so grateful for choices. So grateful for my life right this very day. And learning to live a single day at a time...learning to LIVE in that day and not squander the time.  And I thank you for helping me learn. To walk next to me these past forevers and quietly let me go through the crazies and come back. It was reassuring to know that someone held MY golden tether so I wouldn't get too far away. And thank you seems so little.