a morning of dremel tools, liquid nails, rusty objects, music boxes, and trying to fit it all together to make a very special reliquary shrine for a special friend's angel kitty.  a good kind of frustration.  meanwhile, Henry is chasing peeper frogs across the lawn, and they never win.  i find little upside down frogs all over the lawn.  this kind is not poisonous to him, but i feel badly for the froggers.  soon, lunch, then a shower and back to the worktable.  the day is cool, and i enjoyed a very early steamy mug of perfectly brewed coffee on my back step this morning, while Henry chased ghosties, ate sticks, and finally got around to his business.  the world was ours alone.

i will be honoring what my soul has been trying to get me to do…moving in a direction that is the least chaotic - sort of.  every cell in my body has been telling me to go in a different direction than i've been steering.  and so - i will stop trying to fight the current and go that way.  simple!  and a loud exhale when the decision was made.  such a peaceful time within now.  making some epic art.  planning planning planning.

i know i owe you all an explanation, but the quick answer is - there is no quick answer.  or easy answer.  i don't actually have an answer to give you.  things are shifting and changing at a roller coaster pace, at times, and i have to hold tight to the reins and make sure that i am the one in control of the changes…that i allow in (or out) the things i feel appropriate.  the other day in meditation, i looked at a statue of Ganesha - the remover of obstacles.  and asked that obstacles be removed.  the instant thought that passed through my head was: "what obstacles?? you haven't set a course, so you know not what the obstacles will be."  And it's true, i realized.  just wanting things to "be better" is not a plan.  it isn't a goal to reach for.  so i've been trying to nail that jello to the wall…what do i want?  where do i want to be?  when do i want to arrive?  theoretically, the world is an open avenue for me.  i am an artist, so i can make art anywhere.  i am employable in a handful of industries that don't require my physical presence in an office.  i could be on a beach, for example, answering phone queries.  or tucked away in a wooded retreat in Vermont or New Hampshire.  needing just a reliable phone line and internet.  and Henry.  always henry.  he is my love in a crazy, fierce way that i never saw coming.  so, with this shifting sand, i hesitate to spill my thoughts, as they will change minute-by-minute.  know that you matter to me and have kept me from spinning into the galaxy at times.  know that the least "hello" has meant so much.  know that i am working towards better-than-okay-and-thriving-once-again.  and i am aware that my visceral reaction to particular aspects of my life is simply my gut telling me TURN AROUND, and yet i plunder forward.  it will all be good.  it's the middle that gets messy.

i'm alive….i'm training a new job….tired but will write soon...

i know some of the happiest people on earth - my friend Perfect Patty, for example.  Any time you ask her how she is, she responds, "Perfect!"  and she may or may not be, but she always always has a mischievous smile on her face, and a twinkle in her eye.  And often, a tiara on her head.  There is always fun afloat when Patty is nearby.
i know some of the saddest people on earth.  Not to draw attention to themselves or to feel "pity important," but just sad.  not always sad, but deeply sad, when sadness comes.
I fall somewhere in the middle.  some of the time, i'm ready to rock with the Patty's of the world, or be the one starting trouble.  sometimes, though, i fall into a black hole that has slippery walls and no bottom.  i don't always know why.  it just is.  well, mostly i do know why, i suppose.
it isn't often that i reach out for help, preferring to just wade through it, knowing soon the clouds will clear, or the situation causing the dark clouds will be resolved.  but last night.  last night caught me by surprise.  it tossed me and left me howling and sobbing, alone, in my house. with Henry.  thank God for Henry.  and as hard as it was - i reached out.  and i was very surprised by the responses…or lack thereof.  a friend in Florida texted that she'd pray.  another elicited no response. none. i sent the same message in desperate attempts to just connect:  I am in so much pain right now.
and an offer to pray, well, that is somewhat hollow…somewhat flip.  if you know a person is in pain, reach them.  somehow.  call.  text and ask if they need you to call.  or something.  just listen to them sob.  no advice is needed.  and usually none is wanted.  just reach out and touch, like the commercial used to say.  it' so so much more important than any other thing.  perhaps this electronic world has taken that from us, that compassion.
one friend stood.  a friend in much chaos & turmoil herself over a life change.  offered words of balm.
and it was so hard for me to reach out, because i'm usually the one on the other side of the reach.  but it was such a dark place and i needed light…a hand to grab mine and pull hard, or just hold on.  the day was spent trying to smile over a family dinner while trying to recover from the night and trying not to think about getting through a first day of a new job tomorrow.  so much spinning all at once.  my last 2 days of "freedom" spent slaying a dragon.
Please…life is not facebook…you cannot click quickly and consider that reaching out.  you cannot send a smiley face and consider it empathy or compassion.  put the electronics down and remember how it felt when you sat in a dark hole and asked for help.

it has been A Week.  i've felt rather like a dodgeball, being kicked around.  so many good things, then bang! flat out.  my fibro has been a mess, which is probably due to stress…new/old job starts monday.  i feel like i have so much to do to get ready, and still so much i want to do before my time gets chewed up by training.  i bought some beautiful table coverings - Tiffany blue butterfly placemats with yellow jacquard tablecloth, to go with my antique dishes, and new Tiffany blue ones.  Big dinner planned tomorrow with PSD and her boyfriend tomorrow required much prep today.  a text about an hour ago let me know he couldn't make it.  no reason given.  so $170 worth of food could have been reduced by quite a bit, had I known 3 hours earlier.  just felt like a kick in the gut, and with husband gone all day and likely till late tonight, i feel so so lonesome.  and like my time - my last few free days - have been squandered.  just bitching and moaning.  and i apologize.  it was that kind of week.  a person i had put some trust in, turns out to be a lunatic.  quite a lot was based on this person, and then bam!  I don't know if i'd feel this strongly about starting a different job - if this is intuition, or if it's just my body rebelling against the very early hours and constant on-the-run i'll need.  i need a nap now, but don't want to waste time but don't have anything else to do.  what a twist, eh?  and to think people have real problems.