the countdown

feelin the countdown today.  dropped Hen off at Blueprints to try out a new Wednesday pack.  I came home with a list of things to accomplish and promptly went back to bed.  did manage to get an entry in for a show.  it took a month, but i got it in at the last minute.  so it counts.  now.  time for a shower.  might try to add stuff to my website...

covering

part of my new daily routine is to spend the first moments with my eyes closed…in prayer or meditation or just letting my thoughts wander.  as long as they don't cross the road alone, they can have free rein and romp in the fields.  this morning an urgent plea from Henry got me up before i had a chance, but after making sure he was all pottied, i went back under the covers to cuddle.  and i realized that i have a passion for entertaining - the prep of designing a menu and guest list and setting a beautiful table and the event itself.  mostly the prep.  and i thought about the difficulty i've been having in trying to find some table coverings i want to use.  so i started working it out in my head, just how to make what i wanted.  because i'll never ever find what i want.  they would definitely need to be custom.  and so they will be.  custom made by me.  and i thought, i can't be the only one who wants specific, well made table coverings.  and how it's an extension of my fiber work and former quilting self and assemblage work, etc.  and i realized that i could be on to something Just Enough and Maybe More.  so i have asked a sewing friend to teach me the 2 specific skills that i need a refresher on, and will begin GoldaTable…Custom Coverings for a Beautiful Table.
that is, after today's dinner with PSD and her boyfriend. or boy friend.  not sure.
I will still be doing animal reliquaries, and am so so humbled to be entrusted with this honor.

trying to get to my studio table…so many ideas and half-finished projects swirling around.  i can't seem to put myself in art motion, though.  it makes me tired to think about it.  yesterday recorded a massive nap, and i thought this whole cpap thing was supposed to make me feel more rested.  not yet.  not like this one…

a half day at Blueprints, and he's zonked.  then recharged in full mischievous power.
in my never-ending quest for the perfect addiction, i've been on a buying rampage in the table linen and dinnerware departments.  today, my trunk filled with this:

and these…

I may need a 12-step.  *sigh*  but i love setting a beautiful table.  And Liam, the chef from Ireland that I've befriended while he's here visiting, Liam gave me an armload of old foodie magazines from the UK and nearby areas.  They are delicious in their photography.  I would love to be able to just cook and set beautiful tables and have amazing dinner parties.  i certainly have enough place settings!  oh - i'd need a new table, though…what i'd love to do is just open up the kitchen/dining/livingroom areas of my house and make 1 big room.  in the middle, have a long wooden burl table to fit 16 or so.  yes!  what fun that would be!  do Sunday potlucks and Sunday brunch-into-dinners.  Liam is going back to Ireland in a few weeks, and I'd love to have him join us for our Sunday family dinner before that.  (Sunday family dinner is a tradition I started a few months ago in order for everyone to reconnect.  i love it).

my dream is to go to Ballymaloe Cooking School for the 12-week course…but afraid I would end up like this:

tonight i have beef burgundy and rosemary rolls.  tomorrow, an appointment with a PTSD specialist.  very excited about both.  Kitty is snoring on the chair with me…Henry is snoring at my feet.  the smell of dinner is wafting up the stairs.  maybe i will make some art, after all…maybe i already have….

a perfect day

a festive table awaiting guests...

blooming just in time...

a tired pup catching rays...

happy mom...

the weekend

Special reliquaries for the Most Special Girl…

remembering Krasnodar...

a trip with my Rock Fairy to Saratoga Springs for balancing, grounding, stitching and shopping…this one is for Cayetano...

Beautiful buildings….

missing this monkey...

this morning, an early trip to the park...

didn't see this coming, but I guess they qualify...

sleepy eyes….

awestruck...

it was the best weekend ever.  Thank you Kim.

why do you allow yourself to hate?  why, when you purport to be enveloped in the Sacred Love, do you allow this hatred to slither through your House?  this hatred is the remnants of scars on your ChildHeart.  find the wound and allow it's lesson, it's purpose.  acknowledge it, thank it, then bid it goodbye.  it has served it's purpose, and is no longer needed.  it's lessons have begun to sour.  quick, before it rots, gently take it by the hand and walk it away.

sen

Last fall, i spent a week on a private island with 20 gorgeous women.  they were wide open in their hearts, and gorgeous in their souls.  they were artistically talented and not selfish with their knowledge.
It was there that I learned the Japanese word "sen."
It means 1000.
and according to Lisa Solomon (who should know, being that she's Japanese), it is more than a number, although it is a number…it is doing something 1000 times to honor it, know it, gain mastery in it…think 1000 origami cranes.  Lisa has a precocious daughter who is an amazing being all on her own.  Lisa's mom was there, as well, and it was such an honor to watch 3 generations interact and spill into one another.
so back to sen.
it seems i will honor the same points of consternation in my life…making the same decisions with the same result 1000 times…so i've decided to honor my mistakes, rather than use them as a club to whack myself over the head…i will soon gain mastery in wrong decision making, and will be called sensei…and i will, indeed, honor these 1000 mistakes, for they will eventually lead me to the correct decisions and footfalls.  so then, are they really mistakes?

Courage

Loosely quoted from Brene Brown, Courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.  I would love to sit with you, and perhaps a pot of tea, or maybe some cake flavored vodka, and do just that.  Let's make a date, shall we.  There are so many private things that involve others still alive, though.  Tell you what...if you want the whole raw, unvarnished thing, comment here.  I won't publish your comment, but will send you the "invisible" post.
Speaking of visibility, have you ever felt invisible?  Unneeded, perhaps unwanted, perhaps out of date, perhaps irrelevant ?  I will say I have felt all of these things at various times, and at varying degrees.  And here's what I know : nobody is not needed.  Everybody is always needed.  There is a spot for each of us in this life...a Lego snap-together Tetris-like space that each of us was meant to fill.  It may not be a grand, worldwide, all encompassing mission that your life was meant to fulfill.  It may be, that just by showing up every single day, there are ripples that you create that make it all work.
There's so much more to say, but the hands won't go any further today.  Maybe more later, but that's the gist of it.
Wishing you visible ripples...the payoff for Just. Being. You.

"How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."
                             - Trina Paulus

I live inside a magazine. I’m a juggler, balancing routine
Smoke and mirrors, wood, steel, skin and rock ‘n roll
You see that world in my eyes. I work to keep it safe and alive. 
Some place in between restless and secure 

I stood out in left field watching
Birds painting the clear blue sky
When I stood out in left field watching

You snuck up on me like a wildfire
Sparks and flames flashing and flying
And I felt the light inside jumpstart

They train wild tigers to heel. Make devices to stop a rolling wheel. 
And junkies get clean, make amends and start anew 
I could ask the universe for wealth. Pray to God I’ll always have my health 
But I’ll wait a long, lonely night for you 

I stood out in left field watching
Birds painting the clear blue sky
When I stood out in left field watching

You snuck up on me like a wildfire
Sparks and flames flashing and flying
And I felt the light inside jumpstart

You jump started every little feeling that I’ve pushed away,
compromised, isolated, memorized 
You jump started every little fantasy I’ve entertained to
go insane, I can’t contain, baby you’re to blame 

I stood out in left field watching
Birds painting the clear blue sky
When I stood out in left field watching

You snuck up on me like a wildfire
Sparks and flames flashing and flying
And I felt the light inside jumpstart