when in doubt, Follow The Peace. It is never wrong.
ahhhhhhhh.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Friday, March 28, 2014
Sunday, March 23, 2014
it's been a week since i started training at my new job. i am going to be flat out honest here, as i always am. and this is the one place i can express myself without worry of letting someone down, or any such thing. there are only my own expectations here.
it is not good here.
it is a delicate eggshell i am walking.
it isn't just missing Henry. but it is that also.
it isn't just missing being a housewife. but it is that also.
it isn't just the newness and complete transformation of my day. but it is that also.
it is gaining a paycheck. it is gaining daily camaraderie. it is working for a company with guts and integrity.
it is also completely losing my time to create. it is also trying to cram in time to walk and create amazing dinners and play with Henry and watch my shows and all the little things that make me into me. it is ordering my time, 7 days a week, to make the 5 days a week work. it is getting up at 5am so that i have time to eat breakfast and get ready and get out the door and commute 40 minutes and walk 2 blocks from the parking lot to sit in a dark and Very Warm classroom with a 30 minute lunch brought from home, while all i want to do is cry. very hard. and so, on the way home, i hyperventilate. or call someone to distract myself. but the inevitable will be the inevitable, and the gut-wrenching tears will come anyway, sooner-or-later. it's also going to bed at 7 or 8 latest, in the guest bedroom because i'm going to bed 5 hours or more earlier than husband who snores and wakes me up 5 or more times a night. it's missing my warm little cannonball of a dog at night, who curled against my tummy and sucked on the sheet to get to sleep. he sleeps upstairs. i sleep alone with my brand new cpap machine hissing. it is also not having the time, temperament or energy to continue working to repair and strengthen ties that have gotten dry rotted…they dangle still. it is also not having anything left to give those that i want to give to. my sister and i have never had a relationship, having only met 3 times (long story). she was just diagnosed with breast cancer. despite the distance, i want to reach out to her, and i will, but feel like my well is empty.
it's also about the arguing and nastiness that has overtaken my house whenever i try to express these things. and when i feel time-crunched and choose hemming pants over going to buy new window blinds, feeling a knife in my heart as an angry back slams out a door to go shop alone. despite the unresolved conversations of the week.
i feel no shame in admitting that i cannot remember a time where i felt so entirely alone and sad…where my house seemed to want to spew me out…where i have felt so completely not myself.
but yes. i do remember. and it was that time not so many years ago, when i tossed the 9-5 in pure self-preservation and ran for my pillow. yes. there are millions of people who face horrific days and nights that make me sound like an incredibly spoiled and insensitive bitch. but i am only called to live my own reality.
a counselor has offered to teach me techniques for better sleep and to lessen panic attacks. although kind, it seems like patching up the wounded and sending them right back into battle. i want to find a foxhole and stay put.
be careful what you wish for, is what TUT's advice is, because it will come to pass.
i wish you good thoughts, magical words to speak your wishes into truth…and a compass to seek the best course.
it is not good here.
it is a delicate eggshell i am walking.
it isn't just missing Henry. but it is that also.
it isn't just missing being a housewife. but it is that also.
it isn't just the newness and complete transformation of my day. but it is that also.
it is gaining a paycheck. it is gaining daily camaraderie. it is working for a company with guts and integrity.
it is also completely losing my time to create. it is also trying to cram in time to walk and create amazing dinners and play with Henry and watch my shows and all the little things that make me into me. it is ordering my time, 7 days a week, to make the 5 days a week work. it is getting up at 5am so that i have time to eat breakfast and get ready and get out the door and commute 40 minutes and walk 2 blocks from the parking lot to sit in a dark and Very Warm classroom with a 30 minute lunch brought from home, while all i want to do is cry. very hard. and so, on the way home, i hyperventilate. or call someone to distract myself. but the inevitable will be the inevitable, and the gut-wrenching tears will come anyway, sooner-or-later. it's also going to bed at 7 or 8 latest, in the guest bedroom because i'm going to bed 5 hours or more earlier than husband who snores and wakes me up 5 or more times a night. it's missing my warm little cannonball of a dog at night, who curled against my tummy and sucked on the sheet to get to sleep. he sleeps upstairs. i sleep alone with my brand new cpap machine hissing. it is also not having the time, temperament or energy to continue working to repair and strengthen ties that have gotten dry rotted…they dangle still. it is also not having anything left to give those that i want to give to. my sister and i have never had a relationship, having only met 3 times (long story). she was just diagnosed with breast cancer. despite the distance, i want to reach out to her, and i will, but feel like my well is empty.
it's also about the arguing and nastiness that has overtaken my house whenever i try to express these things. and when i feel time-crunched and choose hemming pants over going to buy new window blinds, feeling a knife in my heart as an angry back slams out a door to go shop alone. despite the unresolved conversations of the week.
i feel no shame in admitting that i cannot remember a time where i felt so entirely alone and sad…where my house seemed to want to spew me out…where i have felt so completely not myself.
but yes. i do remember. and it was that time not so many years ago, when i tossed the 9-5 in pure self-preservation and ran for my pillow. yes. there are millions of people who face horrific days and nights that make me sound like an incredibly spoiled and insensitive bitch. but i am only called to live my own reality.
a counselor has offered to teach me techniques for better sleep and to lessen panic attacks. although kind, it seems like patching up the wounded and sending them right back into battle. i want to find a foxhole and stay put.
be careful what you wish for, is what TUT's advice is, because it will come to pass.
i wish you good thoughts, magical words to speak your wishes into truth…and a compass to seek the best course.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
so, i hope you're still out there. my posts have been irregular and dismally insubstantial lately, and for that i apologize. you've been so loyal…showing up here.
as you may be able to tell, it's dark o'clock here. early by the earliest bird standards, and certainly by any hour i've seen in a very long time. and every hour is measured by the "next week at this time" clock. like right now - it's 5:49am. Next week at this time, I'll be making eggs and toast, and getting my lunch ready, so i can go out the door to my new job. and be there, 40 minutes away (in good traffic, which it won't be) by 7:40. A.M. It was my intention to rise and shine at my "new" alarm clock time all week, so as to acclimate myself to it, and to staying bright-eyed throughout the day. sitting in a training room. trying to absorb 12 weeks of material condensed into 3 weeks. trying not to feel like i wanted to violate the alarm clock and chuck the job and Just Sleep In. that didn't happen. i'm already tired, and only got up because Henry jumped to the floor after Bulimia Cat woke him up by crawling up my side to cozy up on my ear. jumping to the floor from the bed, is the international symbol for I Have To Pee. Henry took to re-paper training like a duck to water, and was so proud to show off his pee-pee on the paper. he'd come strutting around the corner and stand there waiting for a Good Boy! husband decided then that he didn't like the idea. despite the below zero temps. despite the fact that it was sooo much easier & convenient for a short-legged dog and a tired mommy. despite the fact that mom will be gone from the house for 9 hours and sometimes husband will be out of town. so i am ashamed to say, poor Henry is confused and a little upset by the bickering. one of the things i see is a power play and i do not like my warm little Being shoved into the middle. I will not stand for it. said momma bear. grrrr.
this past week has been one of uncovering truths. one of the biggest being that i never want what i've been wishing for. true. confusingly true. i wish for something, and pray for something, and get it. then complain about it or wish it away. one Perhaps for that - do i think i don't deserve it? but i do! do i wish for things that aren't as amazing as i thought they'd be? Everything?? and perhaps this is why i struggle with making such big decisions. somewhere in my heart-of-hearts, i toss and turn over whether something is really a tosser, or whether it is a keeper that i'm afraid to keep. or a tosser i'm afraid to toss - sort of a hoarder of Bad Things That No Longer Fit. i do know this job will allow a certain amount of breathing room. not as much as the other opportunity, but it's something. and the other opportunity was never mine, so no use comparing. already. and no use counting my chickens, since it's less than an hour off my pillow, and i'm feeling the need to sleep again. yes - i am terrified of failing this job. afraid of not wanting to let it go, even if my body is saying so. It's been so many years at an easel…so many years of being gentle with my body when it needed gentleness…of pushing a bit, knowing that i could back off if needed…and now headed back out full force - it seems too quick to jump back. just 6 days notice to change my life completely.
cross your fingers for me, friend.
wishing you bright eyes and bushy tails today.
as for me - back to bed.
as you may be able to tell, it's dark o'clock here. early by the earliest bird standards, and certainly by any hour i've seen in a very long time. and every hour is measured by the "next week at this time" clock. like right now - it's 5:49am. Next week at this time, I'll be making eggs and toast, and getting my lunch ready, so i can go out the door to my new job. and be there, 40 minutes away (in good traffic, which it won't be) by 7:40. A.M. It was my intention to rise and shine at my "new" alarm clock time all week, so as to acclimate myself to it, and to staying bright-eyed throughout the day. sitting in a training room. trying to absorb 12 weeks of material condensed into 3 weeks. trying not to feel like i wanted to violate the alarm clock and chuck the job and Just Sleep In. that didn't happen. i'm already tired, and only got up because Henry jumped to the floor after Bulimia Cat woke him up by crawling up my side to cozy up on my ear. jumping to the floor from the bed, is the international symbol for I Have To Pee. Henry took to re-paper training like a duck to water, and was so proud to show off his pee-pee on the paper. he'd come strutting around the corner and stand there waiting for a Good Boy! husband decided then that he didn't like the idea. despite the below zero temps. despite the fact that it was sooo much easier & convenient for a short-legged dog and a tired mommy. despite the fact that mom will be gone from the house for 9 hours and sometimes husband will be out of town. so i am ashamed to say, poor Henry is confused and a little upset by the bickering. one of the things i see is a power play and i do not like my warm little Being shoved into the middle. I will not stand for it. said momma bear. grrrr.
this past week has been one of uncovering truths. one of the biggest being that i never want what i've been wishing for. true. confusingly true. i wish for something, and pray for something, and get it. then complain about it or wish it away. one Perhaps for that - do i think i don't deserve it? but i do! do i wish for things that aren't as amazing as i thought they'd be? Everything?? and perhaps this is why i struggle with making such big decisions. somewhere in my heart-of-hearts, i toss and turn over whether something is really a tosser, or whether it is a keeper that i'm afraid to keep. or a tosser i'm afraid to toss - sort of a hoarder of Bad Things That No Longer Fit. i do know this job will allow a certain amount of breathing room. not as much as the other opportunity, but it's something. and the other opportunity was never mine, so no use comparing. already. and no use counting my chickens, since it's less than an hour off my pillow, and i'm feeling the need to sleep again. yes - i am terrified of failing this job. afraid of not wanting to let it go, even if my body is saying so. It's been so many years at an easel…so many years of being gentle with my body when it needed gentleness…of pushing a bit, knowing that i could back off if needed…and now headed back out full force - it seems too quick to jump back. just 6 days notice to change my life completely.
cross your fingers for me, friend.
wishing you bright eyes and bushy tails today.
as for me - back to bed.
Friday, March 07, 2014
do you feel the changes lately? it seems more like August to me…the month when everything seems to change for me. Clarity has challenged many of my standards, this past week or two.
One thing rumbling around in my heart is this:
if you are an employer, don't discount an older worker. i remember when i was in my 20's and worked at an insurance company, there was a woman who was probably 40. i remember her as being Very Old and Probably Wouldn't Catch On. truth be told, she was probably bored, and thought we were silly little girls. I recall throughout my various jobs, older people being phased out and warning me that it would happen to me too someday. never, i thought. i am smart and competent and easy to work with…i was chosen to learn the brand new computer-based system at one job, then tasked with training the entire department. i was always chosen first. i was always Employee of the Month. i was a shining star.
And i see a trend. i hear things i never thought i'd hear…"People Like Us need to show Them we can be comfortable around technology" "People Like Us need to show that we are competent and can learn new things." People Like Us. coming from someone just a little younger than i am, who is dressing and styling her hair to try to look younger, but age-appropriate, but "with it." It makes me tired.
I am the same person that won the awards, and led the charge, and saved a company a ton of money because of my ability to see the big picture.
But…I am older.
and not to write this in a tone of whining or entitlement. just observation of my experience of late.
i am lucky to not have to depend on my own income to survive. believe me, i am filled with gratitude for that. You can't legislate hiring percentages based on age, yet i feel like there should be something to protect an older person who wants to work and is quite capable of working. i feel as though i need to dress like an executive just to get an entry level job. i can, if that makes you more comfortable talking to me, but honestly, i put those clothes to better use by donating them to someone just starting out.
and here's the thing…in becoming healthier, i also became heavier. and the double whammy of being older and rounder make it very very difficult to get a fair shake. not just sour grapes - have had my suspicions confirmed by 2 different headhunters. i have an interview monday. with a health insurance company. i am eminently for the position. i'll let you know.
One thing rumbling around in my heart is this:
if you are an employer, don't discount an older worker. i remember when i was in my 20's and worked at an insurance company, there was a woman who was probably 40. i remember her as being Very Old and Probably Wouldn't Catch On. truth be told, she was probably bored, and thought we were silly little girls. I recall throughout my various jobs, older people being phased out and warning me that it would happen to me too someday. never, i thought. i am smart and competent and easy to work with…i was chosen to learn the brand new computer-based system at one job, then tasked with training the entire department. i was always chosen first. i was always Employee of the Month. i was a shining star.
And i see a trend. i hear things i never thought i'd hear…"People Like Us need to show Them we can be comfortable around technology" "People Like Us need to show that we are competent and can learn new things." People Like Us. coming from someone just a little younger than i am, who is dressing and styling her hair to try to look younger, but age-appropriate, but "with it." It makes me tired.
I am the same person that won the awards, and led the charge, and saved a company a ton of money because of my ability to see the big picture.
But…I am older.
and not to write this in a tone of whining or entitlement. just observation of my experience of late.
i am lucky to not have to depend on my own income to survive. believe me, i am filled with gratitude for that. You can't legislate hiring percentages based on age, yet i feel like there should be something to protect an older person who wants to work and is quite capable of working. i feel as though i need to dress like an executive just to get an entry level job. i can, if that makes you more comfortable talking to me, but honestly, i put those clothes to better use by donating them to someone just starting out.
and here's the thing…in becoming healthier, i also became heavier. and the double whammy of being older and rounder make it very very difficult to get a fair shake. not just sour grapes - have had my suspicions confirmed by 2 different headhunters. i have an interview monday. with a health insurance company. i am eminently for the position. i'll let you know.
Monday, March 03, 2014
henry is not a morning person...
but when he plays, he plays hard. His girlfriend Sadie comes over most days, and they tear it up out back in their snow trails...
inside for a minute of snow melt...
do not let those innocent faces fool you. they are scheming.
today the sun is shining but i feel lazy and a little grumpy. i dreamed a gorgeous dream of artwork i want to make, and even went to the studio prepared to bang out some good work today. but sighed and sunk into the web instead. at least there's laundry cooking, so something is getting accomplished! i don't feel too terrible about it. walked a few miles yesterday on the treadmill - it's just been too too cold to go outside & walk. it's like winter is taking it's last few weeks and shoving it in our faces. i hope i'm somewhere more temperate next year! i suspect Henry would agree. i'm signing off today before i get too boring. there just hasn't been much going on - watching the snow, shoveling the snow, making trails in the snow for Henry…that's about it. made some damn good gumbo, though.
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