dream until your dreams come true….

what is your favorite cliche?

it is cold and icy.  and i fell again.  now enough of this.  gravity must be worse now that the temps are lower *smile*  But my back is not happy, and my arms and hands are cramping, despite heat packs.  i've been keeping to my walking schedule, and have new boot studs to hopefully keep me upright.  last night proved to be a problem as i tried to sleep…by 5am, i had tossed and turned out of my own bed onto the couch and finally into the guest bed.  fell somewhat asleep till henry came looking for me and curled up against my knees, making any movement impossible.  i love him, but pound for pound he takes up waaay more space in the bed than he is due.  tomorrow i start working on another project that's been tickling through my head.  and i am re-starting the virus/pollen/bacteria project.  that's been slow but steady, but i want to step it up a bit.  looking for a gallery to show the Conversation series.  I've renamed it Conversation With Chaos, rather than have it aligned with a specific type of chaos…it can be defined as any unexpected, unwanted, and intrusive event(s) in your life…not just disease.
so it's time for a heating pad.  more with pictures tomorrow.

negative negative negative

it is negative 17 degrees out.  i mean, after negative 10, it's just showing off.  no sleep last night.  wicked pain.  wicked nightmares.  plans to rest and nap with Hen today, but feel like i should be going to a local job fair.  a long list of participating employers held promise, but when i checked closer the opportunities were for truck drivers and high techies…nothing in between.  feeling a bit useless these days, as my fiber project is finished and back from the photog, but nothing new dancing on my table.  lots of ideas for a project, but no ambition.  are you depressed yet?? the sun is shining, though, and my studio is brightly lit.  Hen is napping on my lap, refusing to go outside to potty, and still unsure if he'll be in trouble if he uses the wee wee pads i set out in a big square for him.  husband does not want him using them, but i say It's Too Cold For Man OR Beast outside.  no wonder pupper is confused.  the voices grew loud last night.  i am making an executive decision to walk the treadmill, shower, and go back to bed.  i envy those with a purpose today.

let your true self be seen.

whaaa

yes.  we have cold & Snow again.  lots of both.  Henry is not happy.  he is eating the rug in protest.  if that would work, i'd eat it too.  his girlfriend came over yesterday for a wild run, so at least there's that.  husband & i started out the day on the wrong foot, so it should be a loooong weekend.  again.  but i have too much to do in the studio to get sucked into all that nastiness.  i just had waffles with berries and VANILLA flavored cool whip, so i'm all sunshine inside.  Bulimia cat is napping on the fiber piece I just finished for a juried exhibition.  nice.  thanks.  my neighbor's husband has been banished to the outdoors to smoke, and i can smell it come in the leaky windows of my studio.  i can't believe i used to smell like that.  and i hope it doesn't settle into my fiber work.  i took the pieces to be photographed for the entry, but can't get them attached to the form.  of course, the deadline is monday.  aaarrgghh.  it will only save as a web archive, the bastardly thing, and i need it as a jpeg.  will continue to try.  so by 9am, the stress fairy was chasing me down.  but i have a secret weapon, so be gone stress fairy.  and i'm off to the frozen tundra to walk away from this bad fairy.  my walking plan is going so well!  who knew?

didja ever have a throw down tantrum because something you reeeeeelly really wanted didn't happen?  i know i have.  and usually, when i look back, i say "Holy Crap! I'm glad that didn't happen!"  so I guess the universe spins in exactly the way it should.  thank God.  or else I'd be in sub-zero temps on a NH mountaintop with a dog of tropical descent freezing my own tutu off, likely drifted in till the rescuers came in the spring.  or something like that.  so as disappointed as I was, i knew enough not to throw down, because so many many "disappointments" in my life have turned out to be Someone Up There looking out for my silly self.
Here's wishing you all the best disappointments….

i don't know if the weather affects me as it does some, but i do know yesterday was mostly gloomy out, and i was stuck to the couch with a case of the blues.  and a few greys.  poor Henry must wonder what the big deal is with birthdays, since his was spent mostly snuggled next to me.  the thing is this:  I've been casting my net out there for a Big Girl job, to no avail.  nothing coming back…no callbacks, no email returns.  to the point where i wondered if my emails and resumes became invisible in cyberspace. I usually have an attitude to Keep On Trying, but at a certain point, defeat starts to creep in.  and i know the problem, if i'm honest with myself:  after so many years of being my own boss, and having the luxury of being easy with my heart on the days when my heart needed Slow and Gentle, and spending the day in bed when that was called for, or racing excitedly through the woodspath when that was calling me…i wonder if i can make it behind a desk in a cubicle again.  i wonder if i'll feel like a broken pony.  and the dual edge sword - the income will allow options.  options that for all these years of talk, may still be difficult to exercise.  There are many times, when the days seem bleak, that i think "Thank God there is someone to make sure."  There are many times, when the nightmares come one after the other at night, that i think "Thank God there is someone to make sure."  and though in my waking times, on good days, it is not usually bearable that someone is there.  that someone.  so it comes down to selfishness and survival, i suppose.  sheesh, and today started out promising!  sorry to be so depressing.  but the tendrils of yesterday are still attached just a tad.  a small tad.  i sent an email to a former co-worker, now a manager, and gave her a general sense of my attempts to rejoin my former job.  i asked her to please let me know if there was a reason why i would not be a good candidate to return.  i am hoping for her honesty, no matter what direction it is.  i do have hope in that another former employee was rehired last year - after 5 years trying.  she had been on disability after being hit by a car. the day her short term disability ran out, they found a way to send her on her way.  she lost everything. but her dignity.  she was friends with the ceo, and still had to fight her way back in.  i have hope.  why would anyone want to try so hard?  i like it there.  and better the devil you know, as they say.  okay - henry is bouncing off the ceiling, wanting attention, so time to get going.  i adore him.  totally smitten.
wishing you a day of answers.

this little light of mine

today is Henry's birthday!  This little shining light of mine.  he has crawled and nudged into my heart, this little guy.  he has mended my broken heart.  i still have moments (like yesterday) where the tears for diva come.  but it isn't like it used to be - not an all-encompassing dread of the day.  he is just the right antidote.  and seems like thanks from diva for putting up with her issues and loving her anyway.

just so you're up to date...

2-fer friday

 Henry went shopping...

and this June (yes, June) I am...

FEAR makes you Courageous.

am i right?  Think of the scariest thing you knew you had to do, and didn't you feel all Rocky Balboa after? 
Dare you.  Dare me.

what's not to love about Alto Cinco?

those coppery ceilings get me every time.  and the food makes me want to rent a table for a week.  the best Mexican Hot Chocolate.  mmmm mmm.

today has been a day of wicked ups and downs, and though the details must remain within my heart for now, your thoughts & prayers are most welcome.

it has been a day of warm enough temps to produce rain, but cool enough breezes to freeze the paths into skating rinks…poor Henry wanting to go through the woods and chase squirrels, but me not trusting his little knees to the slips.  Having been through ACL/PCL surgery with Diva Dog makes me unnaturally cautious for Hen.

Today has been productive in the studio, though…stitching through wool and burlap as the battle inside sorted itself out.  or tried.  same old turn of the wheel.  though i do expect the brakes to come on soon, and i can finally step off in confidence.  i mean, enough already, right?

for some reason, there is a significance in six-months.  so many goals are for 6 months out from this spot, not planned that way, but meeting in a convergence there.  promising myself it will all be wonderful.

i've sent in my deposit in for a retreat that happens in 6 months, and it seems as though that touchstone homecoming may be the perfect timing … a reawakening and a balm, all at the same time…rest and recharge and re-meet my Self.  perhaps a baptism in the lake to leave the drama behind once and for all?  maybe just a good time spent with friends :) 

all i know is that after a time away, it seemed an imperative for me to return this year, and at that time.  some good friends on hand, and some new ones to be made this year.  it makes me smile.

History
We could live our life from history
But there's no future in a memory
You'll see my love
Oh, there's no future in a memory
You'll see my love

Now I found
Having come the long way round
I am closer closer than before
Here and now is all that it's about
Let's use it or we'll lose it

2-fer today

lovin this on a -23 degree afternoon….Vanilla Chai hot cocoa from a very special beebop…Henry curlled up next to me in the studio, sporting his black beatnik sweater.  inside.
and this…

missing someone special.  setting the course for the journey.

climbing blind

This week continues to be one  of slowly grinding into the new year - wisps of intentions come front and center with an Oh Yeah! There are so many things I want to do yet.  My body is not cooperating, though.  Things get crossed off my bucket list as it becomes impossible to be able to accomplish them physically, not because they've been done.  I do what I can do.
 Recently, I bought a Ponytail Hat made by Trailheads.

(that is not my hair, unfortunately.  yet another hairdresser felt the Dutch Boy look was perfect for me, so I start over)

Anyway, I have this hat.  With a Day-Glo yellow/green stripe.  and on the tag is the most amazing picture.  i had to see it a few times before it reached in and grabbed my heart, effectively stopping it briefly.  there is a dog on a rock ledge, looking up at a dangling rope.  okay, so he's waiting for his person to finish a climb.  so what?  look again.  the dog is wearing a halter that service dogs wear…his person is blind.  and climbing a mountain.  and i realized that if a blind person can climb a mountain, then damn it, i can do just about anything.  suck it up buttercup.  and THEN my brother gave me a book written by his childhood friend, Lawrence Rosenblum, called "See What I'm Saying…the extraordinary powers of our 5 senses."

And it's a great read, so far, but one of the first examples is of a mountain biking group.  they are blind. they use echolocation to stay the course (literally).  and again i think that i should be able to get to my goals.  as a side note, i think sighted people use echolocation in many ways also.  we, as a group of women gathering, ping out our thoughts and ideas and troubles, listening for the return from our HeartFriends…gathering ideas and data and feedback, then making our choices.  no wonder the bat has been working his magic in my life.

so with all this intention and determination that the new year typically brings, i am headed forward, propelled on by people climbing mountains who can't see the path, but are trusting their skill and instinct to get them to the top.  

Wishing you secure pitons as you climb, my friend.

feeling much promise & excitement about the new year…this has been running through my head for days, even weeks, now...

Well, then can I roam beside you? 
I have come to lose the smog
And I feel myself a cog in something turning.
And maybe it's the time of year
Yes, said maybe it's the time of man.
And I don't know who I am but life is for learning.
We are stardust, we are golden
We are billion year old carbon
And we got to get ourselves back to the garden.



******************************************************************

so, do you make New Year's resolutions?  Make decisions, promises to yourself, intentions, word-of-the-year sort of things?  I have a few intentions.  One is to Respect This House.  There's an Under Armour slogan that says "Protect This House,"  and I sort of captured it and wrassled it into my own thing.  I want to respect my house, my body, this year.  to do good things to it and for it.  and i hope it will repay me by taking me to some wonderful adventures that i have planned.  
The second intention is to not make excuses for bad behavior.  not make excuses for the bad behavior of those around me, closest to me, or even myself.  to be the 1st to step up and say "I'm sorry - I behaved badly there."  and to also, not accept anything less from those who share my heart and space.  I guess that goes along with respecting my house.  so that takes care of the physical and mental…the spiritual is the third intention i have.  and that is to find a house of worship that aligns with my heart and go there once a month.  or more often if i'm feeling it.  but become reacquainted with the rituals and languages that are woven into my fiber.  it feels wonderful just typing those words.  
so there you have it - simple & complex.  my year ahead.  
and maybe Paris?