monday.  big stretch.  baby possum to get to new home.  bear cubs o' plenty.  raptors raptors raptors.  none too happy and a few downright nasty.  tired tired tired.  planning to paint livingroom, but am tired.  maybe a nap, then i'll start my day again.  old habits die hard!  want some time at the Secret Spot at my Lake.  need it badly.

wise

spent the day with some wise ones....

Downy...

Perry...

a not-so-happy Golden Eagle

Barney...

and my favorite - Dumbledore

Richard (Gyrfalcon - Gere, Gyr, potato potahto)

a loud & incredible day

unconditional

: not conditional or limited : absolute, unqualified<unconditional surrender> <unconditional love>

unqualified:: not modified or restricted by reservations 

i know a woman who is so centered, so sure of herself within herself that her certainty is like taking breath - do you ever think about breathing? her certainty is not conditional upon who she is with (more talented, less talented, older, younger, prettier, etc).  it is without any condition...it never changes.  she is certain she has value - no matter what.  no matter who.  no matter if or not.  her value does not change according to her perception of the value of those around her at any given moment or situation.

she. is.
period.

you may have guessed her SelfMotto:  I do not ever have to prove my worth to anyone.

and she doesn't have this posted anywhere.  to remind her.  because  it is a part of her like i hate anchovies.

that's a good meal right there.

diggin this

and this....
What Are You Waiting For?


and this... found here)

My Mission Statement
I believe in the goodness of others

and of life, and in seeking beauty

and truth and fun and unity

and extreme bravery,

and when I can't find it...

I believe in going out and creating it.

___________________________________

And spending a day by the water creating a brand new mission statement of my own.

And thanking God for the right person at the right time.  And for clarity.  extreme clarity.  in every corner.  

Diggin' the clean, clear studio, and the clearing that has taken place in my heart...and knowing, in each case, what to keep and what to toss to the curb.  lots of extra room in each now...feels good. 

and..... Uh-Huh - I Make Art...

much better, thank you.

ah ha

the past week has been one of almost indescribable torment ... as i wean off chantix, my mind, my body, is going to places so dark & tumbled at times.  it's difficult to reach out to a friend for a lifeline, since most people are in offices, and can't just stop and talk.  and to say what?  listen to me while i cry for a minute?  I recognize that the waves of tears and sadness are from the drug leaving my system, and so I grit through it till it passes.  my doc suggested drinking lots of water,  not wanting to give another drug to combat this one.  it makes sense, tho seems cruel at times throughout the day.  she has never been addicted to anything, i suspect. the busy-ness of the studio purge helped hold things at bay - or at least keep my hands busy and my body exhausted.  tonight i'll go to zumba - i'm thinking the music will do me good.  (although 30 minutes of Drumline music was pretty darn good too!)
i have fought my way through a similar weaning process before, and have come out, not just a survivor, but a victor standing with her heel on the throat of her opponent.  i will prevail here too.  i have to.
and you have my renewed promise - i am here for you at any time of day or night.  don't feel silly.  don't wonder what you'll say.  we can talk about nothing or everything or i can just listen to you cry.  just please let me get through this first.

He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others–the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else.
― Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything is Illuminated

these days

who knows why...any number of reasons, and yet none...these days the tears are so close to the surface, ready to spill at any given moment...the moment is never given, for there is too much to be grateful for, and tears seem almost spoilt and disrespectful....so much though, so close to the surface...looking for a hand to hold tight, yet far enough away...these days wanting to lay down in the early day's grass, cozy comforter around me, watching the baby day be born...smelling the freshness of the new day...still so close to tears with the beauty of it...these days, it seems my comforter and pillow are calling seductively, as i walk past the bedroom to the studio...come cuddle! they call, but i know the hours would pass by without thought to wasted time...too much to do...wishing for friends who lived closer...grateful for what i have, as i look around my studio, my home, my life...yet still the tears seem ready to spill

sometimes she cooperates...

and then disappears

the sun was so incredible through the trees during our walk tonight.  Diva has been acting strange all day - wanting out Right Away, but then just standing there by the door.  Then scratching at the door to come in, only to turn around and repeat this sequence over and over.  I cannot imagine what it must be like to care for a parent or spouse with dementia.   perfect stepdaughter & her dad are having a meeting with an insurance guy, while i sit with the animals up in my studio.  i am impatient for him to leave - there's leftover birthday cake in the fridge!  maybe i'll turn the dog on him so i can snag a slice. (as if she could care anymore!)

looking forward to a cool night again  (hopefully quieter!)  Fall is my favorite time of year, and we're heading there quickly.

i didn't realize what i nerve i'd touched with my last few posts.  i almost deleted them, but now i'm glad i left them up.  why y'all never posted your thoughts on your own blogs who knows?   i feel bad if i sounded raspy nasty or shrew-like, but am glad for the supportive emails.  ok now back to work.

no sleep last night - was it a chainsaw, a bear, or my husband snoring?  i finally grabbed my pillow and went down to the couch, but that was lumpy and cold - i left the window open and it got coooold last night.  yes, i could have just gone and closed the window, or gotten a blanket.  or held a pillow over my husband's face.  any of those would have done the trick, i suppose, but i was at that point where i was too tired to think straight and too aggravated to care.  oh poor me.  so at 4am, i wrapped the sheet around me toga-style, and went to make coffee.  did i get any work done?  no.  Have i yet, at 9am?  no.  what have i done for 5 hours besides wander the house in a sari made of bedsheet?  i thought of stuff.  and it was good stuff, and i make no excuse.  but now i have stuff to make so a very lovely wonderful woman from Japan will have an exquisite and perfect necklace, as she has requested and as she deserves.  other than that, i can't keep my ballon head in the game...my thoughts float around and i can't seem to concentrate on anything.  the weekend found me acting uncharacteristically and embarrassingly   loud & contrary toward husband (translation: i was a bitchy fish wife).  (a loud bitchy fish wife).  and heartfelt apologies were made, and accepted, but i fear i am at the same point that i was before when i began smoking again.  it is a recurring thought, and i am fighting it hard.  so maybe some more deep thoughts will keep me busy enough to ignore it.  or babysitting some resin.

more Melodie wisdom

www.bravegirlsclub.com

(click to enlarge)

ahhh.  now that the studio is 99.99% done, i can relax.  and make some art.  i got 3 canvases done-ish yesterday.  i say done-ish, but what i mean is they're done For me.  these are keepers, and celebrations of finishing this crazy huge task.  one of the canvases really spoke to me in a way that feels like a series.  they are fragments...pieces of memory...pieces of Yet To Come...small meterorites of flotsam speeding across a large canvas.  i'm real excited to see where this goes.  lots to do today, and i feel little errands pulling at my sleeves and pant legs.  i will do 2.

 and here is where i rant.
Now, you know how i've grown tired of retreats, workshops, online workshops, ecourses and any other wisdom-imparting venture that sells yourself back to you...that tell you You Are Perfect (insert Strong, Wonderful, Beautiful, Talented, Peaceful, etc), and offer, for money, to show you how you too can see this within yourself.  I will tell you some secrets, right here for free:  you may not be any of those things, no matter how much you spend...the person selling you (yes - selling.  it is their income-generating business, as much as owning a kabob cart is) these mysteries may not even believe these things about their own selves.  you may never become these things.  and that is more than okay.  (i will get back to that in a minute).  i don't have a problem with people (usually women - why is that?) gathering together around a common thread.  it's the most awesome thing there is to do!  and it's what we are wired to do.  look through some anthropology (the science, not the store) and sociology and you will see that the coffee klatsch has historical roots.  so rock on, ladies who lunch.  What i have a problem with is that most of the imparters of this knowledge have little to back up their ideas about how to un-snafu your life other than their ideas (which they are certainly entitled to).  BUT.  for them, taking the giant leap into faith and quitting their day job in favor of making art, or telling you how to live - well, look before you leap... many have a second family income to steady the ship, or have saved every nickel since confirmation, and have a very soft nest for their egg.  again - i have not one shred of judgement on their choices (and it's not my business, anyway).  what i hate seeing is people (usually women- why is that?) hearing this amazing story, and seeing what they think is a wonderful, beautiful, talented, successful woman in front of them, who's life is smooth as butter and who's life is all cupcakes and glitter because that's what their blog says or their book or their fill-in-the-blank.  and so these listeners, these wanters - they leap.  and sometimes they crash.  and then they feel worse than ever before.  because they are still themselves. (but now they are somehow wearing a tutu and glitter.) (ok sorry)  (i couldn't resist) and that's usually when my phone rings, or my email pings.  and i hear snarkling sobs or terrified tears.  and requests for help.  and please bear in mind that i have no more, or no less to offer than the sellers-of-wonderful.  maybe just a different point of view.  and mine is free.  and now is when i go back to the underlined part:  YOU were built to be YOU.  your physical features.  your psychological makeup.  your likes and dislikes.  your abilities and dis-abilities.  YOU are needed in this world as YOU.  needed in this world as YOU.  can i get an amen?  needed in this world as YOU.  that is the simple truth of life as i see it. break it down:  1) you- yes you.  2) are needed - you have a job, a purpose to fulfill during the time allotted you here.  3) as you - only the person born as YOU with your characteristics can possibly fulfill this purpose.
simple.  however, if you spend your allotted time trying to be something you aren't, then you will have missed out on the great and wonderful things that were waiting.  and your gifts and you-ness may have had a profound effect on someone, and that someone's life will not be touched by you now.  this is not to say that you don't get help for crashing depression or illnesses, etc.  I'm talking about trying to BE what you were never meant to be.  or who.  or being a hater of who you are.  respect yourself.  you are important in the world - you have a purpose only YOU can fulfill.  and in my book, that's pretty damn spanky.

a big BIG thank you to my g-men! they not only took all ALL the stuff, but they left the storage tubs!  good guys.
and i can't tell you how big i smile when i walk in this studio.

ready, set, go!!

my worktable is now cleared off, my gel mediums and gesso's all corralled,  brushes standing at attention, and y'all know this won't last forever on this table, but for now.... 

still a little bit to do on the back side of the table, but i am pooped and pained, so enough.  i hope those shelves look organized in this picture, because they sure are.   i'm afraid to check the driveway, in case the garbagemen didn't take the load of stuff down there.  i have no idea what i'll do if they don't.  but if you get a suspicious package from me that rattles, know that i figured out a way :)

it's garbage day.  God bless my garbage men.  There are stacks and barrels of stuff out there.  i would have done a curb alert, since there's still some really cool stuff in there, but the almost-tornado and tropical storm-like winds/rain event wasn't conducive.  so today, the g-men come around noon, and i pray they have strong arms & backs.  and that they actually take the stuff, since it's not really household trash.  define household.  yeah, that will be my defense.  and if this creaky, undependable body can get the stuff to the curb,, then i think they should take it from there.  my neighbor has workmen that just showed up, and they are eyeing the pile.  go for it!
time to take diva for a short walk before the humidity & rain come back.  then, pain pills and naps for me today...i say as i look longingly at my new cozy corner.
oh! the best thing!  i dug through stuff yesterday, and there were some items still in the bag, and one even had the receipt!  art supplies i didn't use for this project a while back.  soooo....i returned/exchanged them!  Lowe's gave me cash back, Hobby Lobby gave me a gift card, which i used immediately for some paint i need (and used the cash from Lowe's to make up the difference), then went to Joanne's to return a mini iron with receipt.  the receipt was from january, though, and the system wouldn't accept it.  so the guy rang it manually, but the system would only give me credit for 60% of the cost, as it was assuming i had used a coupon.  my bad.  the guy was getting all defensive, and a little rude, and i realized he thought i was going to bitch about the 60% even though my receipt clearly showed i paid 100%.  i mean, what can you do?  my bad for waiting 8 months.  so i was extra nice and let him know i realized it was my own fault, and he took a buttload off the canvases i was buying (out of relief, i think).  and the canvases were packaged - buy 2 & get a gallery canvas free.  i'm not a canvas snob, and don't care where i get them. so, wow...an unexpected windfall.   after returning, exchanging, and buying paint, i had enough left over to go to Subway, and the evenings entertainment cost me zip.  well, it cost me in sweat, but no coins.  cool beans. if i wake up later, it's definately time to set up the easel and slap some paint around.  there is 1 box left to organize, but i am 100% certain i will do that by tomorrow noon, as it has all my bills in it :)
keep on.

some cool stuff here:  Golden Virtual Paint Mixer

as i broke down the old shelving unit from my bench area, i realized that it would make a perfect coffee/wine table/bookshelf in my cozy corner, soooo....

i still have to get some rugs down, and paint the phake paneling, but i'm just bushed.  10 loads of garbage down the stairs and to the curb...10 loads of garbage back up the driveway into the garage due to imminent storm (which was a doozy - tornado warning stuff, flooding)...4 carloads delivered...tomorrow A.M. - 10 loads of garbage down the driveway again.  it is at the point where i'm just tossing it - not even looking at it, just tossing.  if you have some bad children you want removed, just put them in my studio.  my attitude is that i am grateful for the studio space, and want to honor it, and i also believe in the abundance that is given me - that i will always have supplies when i need them.  and i think that's what this whole lesson has been.  trust.  back to that again.  and! I'm almost done!  and i believe it's kitten approved...

diva is whining that it's nappy time, and i agree.  see you in the morning!  sleep well!

before & after

ok, my bench area is 99.9% finished - just need to hang some art, and do something about the carpet.  i may just put one of those heavy duty plastic chair roller thingies over it.   ok, remember before:

now...AFTER! TA-DA!!

 I couldn't have done it without my helper, Bulimia Cat....

now - to cozify the cozy corner...here's the cushion to the papasan chair...love the aqua, which will go perfectly with a piece of art I just bought...

still have to paint the phake paneling, and clear up stuff that i moved to the other side of the room, but i should have some lipstick on this pig of a project by tonight.  Whoo Hoo!

ponderings and procrastinations

ok, let me get a few things on the table right at the beginning, so you know where I'm coming from. First, (as I've mentioned previously), although I am heterosexual, I do not care who you sleep with/partner with/spend eternity with as long as you both are consenting adults.  I don't feel it needs discussion, or revealing, and if i ask you to tell me about yourself and the 1st thing you say is "I'm gay,"   then i have to wonder just how interesting you find yourself if you define your entire existence around who you choose to partner with.   Now, being that I am not gay, and have not felt slings and arrows because of that, it might make me sound a bit uncaring & ignorant.  But if the situation were reversed and I started out with, "I'm heterosexual," or "I'm a dork," then you can see my point.  and in my mind, you being gay is a separate issue from the prejudice and hostility and violence against people who are gay.  Which is my business, since I am a human.
 Second, I am in the middle of an incredibly huge renovation project, that has gone at least 6 days over my attention-span budget, and i am procrastinating by writing this post - so it may go long, just so you know.  and it may be hard to follow because i haven't slept in a while, and that sleep was a mess.

Yesterday, i mentioned that i mowed the lawn.  i also mentioned that i had the neighbor show me how to start the mower.  i have taken much shit over this.  but let me explain: i haven't lived anywhere that I personally needed to mow since 1977, and i assure you, mowers were different then, and there was always a kid who would do it for Five Righteous Dollars, so now it should make more sense to you and you WILL stop sending me those emails.  or i will reveal things here that you may not be too proud to remember, Captain Underpants. Fair enough?  (But i will accept a "You Mow Girl" t-shirt, xl, with the queen).
So that got me thinking about a number of things.  all at once.  as my mind usually travels.  first is how we think we have come such a long way to say "I have gay friends,"  yet our children (actually, not my children - i have none) refer to Home Ec class (now called Home & Careers) as "homos and queers."  so although people from my generation may have put aside their prejudice along with their tie-dye and water buffalo moccasins, we forgot to tell the kids.  *head smack*  duh! and no, not just upstate new york, or cornbelt states.  ev.er.y. where.  And it's wrong.  And it's our fault as adults...as parents...for not drawing the line and holding the line.  and for not re-empowering the adults around our children to set things right.  like teachers and such.  although it just kills me to say this: Like in my day.  (the empowerment, not the prejudice).
so all that somehow morphed into the fact that we, as women who were young girls, were subjected to Home Ec classes without even the possibility of taking Shop.  we never learned how to use those cool tools, or how to do minor motor repairs or how to wire a lamp or how to start a lawnmower/snowblower/or any other -ower.  We had to get permission from the principal of the school to take a woodworking class, when things began to loosen up a bit.  but only that class. and we still had to take Home Ec.  so unless we had a father who was intent on raising his daughter to be self-sufficient, we never learned.  and that was the exception.  so we grew to be women who depended on their husband or neighbor to teach them, or to do the chore.  and all THAT got me talking with my friend about retreats and workshops, and how there should be workshops for women about this stuff.  it's never too late to learn, after all.  i may not have the physical strength to pull that lawnmower cord, but i can tell someone else what they need to do to get it going for me.  but i really want to learn how to hang this chandelier i bought the other day.  Maybe we could take over cooperative extension someday.  or go guerrilla in Lowe's and make them teach us how to use all the Good Tools and machines.  I actually had a guy in a hardware store try to refuse to sell me a cut-off wheel for my drill because they were dangerous, he said.  hunh?
yes, i warned you this would go long, so don't bitch.  i hope it made some sense, but most likely not, unless you've spent some time with me and have learned to follow the trail.  so i do apologize.  and if you're gay, and i have somehow offended you, i apologize, and you must know that from the bottom of my heart it was not my intention.  quite the opposite.
and now *sigh* back to the job at hand.

i know - this is boring, these updates, but they keep me honest...keep me moving.  and if i stopped now, i'd have to move.  plain & simple.  things are too pezzed up.  BUT i think that i might just finish tomorrow, if i start at 5am and work through the day.  not sure if i'll make it to zumba, timewise or bodywise.  tonight i had the neighbor show me how to start the lawnmower & mowed my heart out.  it's been a looong time since we mowed - haven't needed to, as the lawn was fried. but there were little patches here and there that were growing up again, and we get fined by the community association of the lawn isn't mowed.  so much for the allure of the 'burbs.  i am going to put my feet up, have a glass of wine, and watch my guilty pleasure, Real Housewives of NY.  then a new show, Gallery Girls.  unless i'm drunk.

quick peek

still getting there, but hopeful....

the left corner is where the cozy chair is going.  i have to hack the carpet off with a box cutter, since my work table is waaay to big and waaay too heavy to move.  likewise my desk.  the question then becomes what to do with the floor?  it's bald plywood underneath, and even if i promise to wear shoes or slippers on it, puppy and kitty have none.  and honestly, i've tried doing the iditarod-style boots on miss diva once or twice before, and i'd rather chew my hand off than do that again.  bulimia cat? not even going there.  so now i have to move that big empty shelving unit over to my bench and transfer all the stuff.  the unit is a few inches larger than the space it needs to fit into, but i will do some Albert Einstein space/time continuum on it and jam the bastard in.  i've worked too hard for this to not fit.  and yes - i measured first.  it grew.  (by the way - have you played with the kitty on the right side of this blog?  move your cursor around on it.  and hover on the white spot on his chest.  yes - i'm easily amused)

Alis Volat Propris

i am down to the wire on this project...the remaining units are nearly full, and the table in the corner is almost cleared in preparation for it to GO!  it will be at least a 2-day exercise, though, to transfer all the stuff from my jewelry-making area to the new shelving.  i'm hot and sweaty, despite taking a shower and already changing my clothes once.  i took a break to walk diva down the street and back - too hot for her at midday.  i think this is the point where i need a cheerleader to sit and chat while i work.  and someone to drag the tons of garbage down to the garage.  i have no idea how i'll get this huge container of metal down there, and then what to do with it after that - short of sneaking it all into someone's dumpster.  well, like Stephanie Ryan says, "One small sweet step at a time."  ok - break time's over, except to send a quick email response out.  then...tote that barge, or something like that.
oh - and here's a question for you:  if you could plan your own for-real birthday party, what would you do?

PS: added later.....
ok.  through a weird set of circumstances, and some normal everyday ones, i have been bombarded with buffalo...bison...buffalo...whatever.  and then got hit on the head with one just a while ago as it fell from a shelf i was clearing.  well, apparently you do have to hit me over the head with a buffalo to get me to see what message is in my fervor lately.  from Animal Spirit Guides:  "Buffalo - Trust that you'll always have whatever you need.  focus on being appreciative and grateful for all you have.  clear out any surplus goods and recycle those items.  have faith in the natural abundance of life."
DUH!  not only am i clearing out carloads and carloads of stuff, but in the thick of things, found a wad o' cash in a box.  (see previous posts).

if there was a day that needed the most get up and go - and keep going, today would be it.  I'm in the homestretch of this dig, and today's scheduled task is a mighty one.  i would have done it first, just to get it out of the way, but it was logistically impossible...much litle those little plastic puzzles with the squares, i had to move this to get to that, and that needed to be over here in order for the other thing to be moved out, etc.  so now, one of the most daunting parts.  but also the most rewarding, i think.  i may end up with a new jeweler's bench in the process, which would help keep me organized going forward.  and boy do i need it, with necklace orders coming in.
and as much as today needed to be a get up-and-get-in-gear day, sadly - it isn't.  it's damp and rainy and a perfect day to cuddle under the covers with diva.  i woke up at 1am, and thought about getting going then.  but didn't.  then woke up at 3am, and snuggled deeper under the blanket.  finally at 5am i was up.  ate breakfast, and those darn pillows entered into a plan with the cuddly blanket, and back to snoozeville.  i have to say it did me good though.  at 5am i could barely walk, but after taking some ibuprophen and elevating my legs for a few hours, it is better-ish.  so i'll re-start the day now.
some good news:  i am getting re-tested for Lyme.  it would make sense.  the laundry list of symptoms that i've been experiencing for the past few years are each on the Lyme list, and honestly, they are not getting any better, that's for certain.  there are days when walking, using my hands or getting out of bed are just not an option.  i've gotten diagnosis of fibromyalgia and RA and OA, but those don't explain some of the other things.  for too long, i've felt like a hypochondriac running to the doctor constantly, but the pains and symptoms are real.
oy enough of that.  time to get busy!  Today's reward will be dinner out, and a bubble bath.  lusting after a big soaking tub.  waiting on delivery of this essential item.

progress report

ok - it's been a really really really exhausting time of it, trying to purge and re-do this studio.  i will never-not-ever bring a single 'nother thing into this room.  ever.  not even a piece of paper.  what a dredge out.  and the picture i'm about to show you won't do the job justice - the shelves on the right have been re-stocked with stuff-that-stays.  same goes with the top shelf in the middle, and the 3rd shelf down.  the rest is awaiting transport to the trash. 

the unit that the leetle wooden man is waving from will be moved to my jewelry bench area (hopefully) tomorrow, to replace the little-ish unit i have there now... i have to clear my bench first, though, and that could be the final straw that breaks my mental stability (such as it is anyway).  here's what it looks like now, and don't scream...(my easel is hanging out there while i shift things).  the white table with the printer on it is part of my desk, and will stay put, as it is attached to the wall.  (there's my crow)...

also on tap is removing everything from below this table & getting it down to the garbage,  then folding up the table, and painting the faux paneling a distressed aqua AND making it my little zen reading area...

that lightning bolt panel is part of a piece by Tommy Lincoln...i'll show you the rest later, but trust me - he's going to be big.  now, all that stuff under the table is going out, don't forget.  i must admit i am not looking forward to clearing my bench area - you saw the mess - but i think that will be the area with the most remarkable change.  we shall see.
and i must admit that i am really diggin this tossing stuff out...i'm done picking through everything, and just tossing it if i haven't used it or looked at it in more than 6 months.  except the Crayolas.  i do have an addiction to that smell.
ok - time to reward myself with a chocolate mint Skinny Cow flying saucer ice cream.  then back at it.

cha-ching!

so maybe this clearing away of stuff does have a literal payoff...i opened a 48 gal plastic tub that I keep my vendor stuff in, figuring I'd weed through it before i stored it in the attic.  there was this curious looking envelope that i almost tossed, but opened instead - it was addressed to me - in my own handwriting...???? AND it had $140 in it.  hunh? wha? it sure isn't like me to forget about something like this.  I mean, I remember that Sam Larned owes me $5 for some pot back in 11th grade.
so there is a payoff in many ways here.  after a slow slow start, with waves of feeling overwhelmed holding me back, i got started on the dig again and WHOO HOO!  ok, enough frivolity - back to it.

the clock lies

time is no longer "time" in a household with an ailing pup that needs to go O-U-T asap every 15 minutes, despite the rollicking lightning storm outside, and despite the fact that today was to be a day of needing to clone myself in order to get everything done. instead, I am lying on the couch next to my boo-dog, rubbing her gurgling tummy as she poots loudly and occasionally.  my girl.  bulimia cat watches from a nearby cushion.  i am also not feeling so hot, after a sudden violent sneezing attack left me with stuffed sinuses, blurry eyes, and a slight fever.  my neighbor says it's probably West Nile.  she works at the health department.  no one ever has a reaction to mold - they have rabies or EEE or West Nile or dengue fever.  according to her.  i am supposed to finish sewing patches on her daughter's Band jacket for her senior band photo in a day or two.  i have 2 left, and my hands will not do the job i am trying to force them to do.  i am mush.  pup is mush.  we are laying on the couch together like sluggards.  i need a shower, but am certain that i'll be cleaning a carpet afterwards if i leave diva's watch for a minute.  ok enough depressing stuff.  i am going to put a mini chandelier of the blingie variety in my studio!

maybe blingier if i can find one.  and find someone to install it.  my goals:  have studio cleared of stuff completely by monday.  re-do what's left.  paint livingroom and have new diningroom chandelier installed.  if i can find someone to install it.  i'm on the fence about painting my studio, but think i'll leave it white.  less color for my eye to stick on.  maybe in the new sitting area.  a little aqua-ish wall.  why aqua?  no clue, but it seems to be the color i crave lately.  aqua and orange.  not ugly aqua, but a distressed, whitewashed, old wall aqua.  and orange, go figure.  okay - time to go out again....

I'm sorry - I ripped the link to this off elizabeth's blog and cannot stop looking at this photo. Hannah has captured the unseeable ... love.  and love so incredibly deep, it dares you to look away.  whether you own a dog or not, this is so fierce. it makes me want to run and hug my diva, and never let her go.

dare ya not to dance....

and for so many reasons - all of them wild:




(found on this blog and shamelessly ripped)

need zzzz's today...another night waking up every 15 minutes, then up for good at 5am.  but i need a nap now.  maybe if i hit the couch, the animals will leave me alone for a bit.....

breaking bones

Breaking Bones ... Linda Esterley

A new show at Szozda Gallery starts Friday, and here's one of my pieces included.  It's a brief show before the gallery closes for a week.  I will have to leave my credit card at home. It's no secret that I am a total dork when it comes to one of the other artists' work. I cannot stand in front of Phil Parsons' work without getting choked up and feeling a total need to own all of it.  And as much as I love Phil's work, I admire & respect him as a person as well.

so today. hmmm.

ok - a question for you:  show of hands - who among you would order an MRI for a patient who is suffering from dizzy spells?  Anyone?  Buehler?  I mean, pretend you're a doctor.   and the dizziness manifests it's evil self when the patient lays down (lies down? oy - becomes prone).  as if the whole MRI experience wasn't uncomfortable enough.  add the cups-and-saucers to the funhouse.  yeah, okay - that was my day.  i was within 3 minutes of finishing this nightmare, when it became apparent that i would need to sit up, or die like Elvis.  Signaling madly with my feet, a voice on an intercom informed me I was "doing good" and it would be "3 more minutes."  all bodily indications were screaming that 3 minutes would be 2 minutes and 57 seconds too many, and they vaulted me out of that clacking coffin and into an upright and locked position just in time.  yeah, i probably should have taken my Antivert, but wasn't thinking of an MRI as being laying down.  i share the shame.  but now i have to go through this again, pre-medicated.  they were offering valium too, but I figured my history being what it is, I'd better just suck it up.  And I still don't know if I have a simple inner ear issue going on, or an alien growing inside my head.  My money is on the ear thing, which would totally piss me off to have to do this whole thing again for THAT.  but i've always been an optimistic person in the face of strong contrary facts.  just built that way, i guess.

and that's the way it was.  to anyone who has to have MRI's on a regular basis, I send prayers for you.  It wasn't that I was horrified by the entire thing, but seriously - they can put a rover on Mars, why can't they invent something a little more comfortable to get this job done?

so exciting!

okay - with help from my private interior decorator (Sue), I have a Secret Plan.  I can't say much, but it involves paint & electrical work while husband is off sailing for 6 days.  In fact, this will be an enormous undertaking, so if you want to help, call me.  but don't even hint about this to husband.  he will grow to like it.
meanwhile, back at the dig site, 5 bags of garbage went out this morning.  the big black bags.  industrial size.  husband helped.  i staged everything at the top of the stairs, and he patiently explained that i should sort and recycle the plastic from the glass from the metal.  i explained back that if i had to re-touch or examine this stuff in any way, shape or form, that most of it would find it's way back into the room.  he grabbed bags and bolted down the stairs.  he is proud of me.  i am proud of me.  and i lost 3 more pounds.  and finally got that 1-2-3-1-2-3 step at zumba.  no arms yet though...i'd end up on my keister if i had to do both arms & feet.  but i have an inner homey trying to express herself, so i suspect the arms come soon.  old dog/new tricks.
today is the MRI day, so keep your fingers crossed.  maybe there'll be a lightening storm, and i'll somehow end up with super powers if the machine gets hit.  you can't say for sure.
ok - off to order electrical things & paint, and get this day started.  i promised a neighbor kid i'd sew her patches on her band jacket in time for her group photo, and forgot.  it's due in 3 days, and she accomplished a lot in her 4 years in high school, apparently, because there are a jillion of them.  all being sewn by hand.  why by hand?  my sewing machine is buried.  yes.  the expensive machine my husband bought me for my birthday eons ago, that fits perfectly into the 10'x8' table he built around the machine.  the very table that i now use for everything but sewing, as i don't really do art quilts any more, and don't have the heart to tell him, although i do use the table for everything else, as i mentioned.
then i have to start locating the supplies i bought for the art workshop i'm headed to in October, as opposed to the one i usually head to in september, which i still can't talk about without feeling upset.  (if i'm honest).
That's me on top of that EMPTY SHELF!  and actually, the unit next to it is also technically empty - just waiting for husband to help drag some of it down the stairs.

heavin

i am tired of sorting, dragging, boxing up, organizing.  It will all be tossed within the next 30 minutes.  all of it.  everything that remains.  i may just ask husband to do it, so i don't get my eye caught on something so precious that i didn't even know i had it.  the fabric will get jammed in my car along with the lace and trims and sequin stuff and it will go to the Salvation Army store.  that would be incredibly wasteful of me to dump something that useful to someone else.  there must be hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of it.  it was a hand-me-down.  an awesome score at the time.  but i've moved on in my art interests, and fabric no longer holds the same mystique for me.  and even the piles and piles of rusty stuff - i think it was the thrill of the find.  i've saved a good sized box of paper, but am re-thinking it, and that will go too.  maybe i should do a curb alert on craig's list.  if you're reading this, and you live near me, consider this your curb alert.  tonight is garbage night and it's going out.  if you want the fabric, you should have a few hours before i take it.  i feel so free!  and this will free up time for a secret project i have planned next weekend.  do not give me things.

diggin

more dig news - are ya bored yet?  amazing how much a person can get done when they close their facebook account :)
another shelf cleared, and a huge-o tub of paper all boxed up (several boxes) to go...where?  claim it or the garbage man will score big tomorrow.  my rules - stuff cannot be touched once it's in the "to go" pile, and it has to be "gone" by the next day.  speak now...
also up for grabs... the 30 gallon tub of fabric (all sorts - velvets, silks, hand dyed stuff, etc) and the rolls and rolls of ribbon i spoke of.  last call!  this would be a shame to toss.
ok - time for lunch, then back to it.  i am determined to have paint on the walls and a cozy corner by the end of the weekend.  tonight is zumba, and tomorrow is an all day MRI/scan fun fest, so i'm losing time there.  grrr.

and this was at the bottom taunting me.....

a little birdie told me...

an early wakeup call today, as bottle rockets launched a celebration somewhere nearby....at 3am.  i couldn't help but wonder if someone's child was just conceived, but rather than get ticked off, i swung my feet out of bed and sat by the slider...the (finally) cool air was a welcome treat after the 98+ degrees we've had.  another Dig Day today, and although my enthusiasm was waning yesterday, the 3am meditation brought a great idea....i've been wanting (deeply!) a cozy corner to put a comfy chair in my studio.  i just visualized the process in completion, and realized if i clear 1 more unit, i can move some things around and have an entire wall for a loveseat!  And AND! once the area is clear by that wall, i can paint it (it's fake paneling now) and hang artwork there! this has me all re-motivated!  so i'm off to dig.  but i want to share this with you - i get a daily newsletter from Melodie Ross.  Not sure how it happened, but there you have it.  and here is today's "little birdie" blurb  (dedicated to you-know-who-you-are, and to me):

ok?

i've managed to fritter away a lot of the day...i got a lot of heave-ho done, but then got lost in an ongoing research project...it seems that i get close close close to an end point, and then take a left turn down another interesting possibility.  this will be the project that never ends, i suspect.  there must be something in the air, as far as the clutter clearing - i know of 3 other friends that are doing major digs right now.  i'm at the point where i just want it done.  i want to paint and re-purpose spaces and change things around and do whatever the trendy word is for redecorating.  husband is heading out on a sailing adventure, and i have plans for the house while he's away.  the last time i did this, though, it was a bit of a disaster - his daughter & i painted the kitchen red.  i can't revisit the horror entirely, due to intervention necessity, but let me say that red is the hardest color paint to cover.  ever.  including 2 or more coats of primer.  so don't paint red.  this time, having learned the hard way, i'm just having the bubble thing fixed, and maybe  freshen up the livingroom a bit, paint-wise.  similar color but brighter and, well, fresher.  the taupe we have in there is 11 years old already, and has turned that peachy sort of color that i despise.  and there is no color that i like for 11 years, so i'll find something.  maybe be wild and do beige.  don't get me started.  my hairdresser is gutting her house and re-doing it with reclaimed metal stuff and crusty things.  i hope my roots grow fast so i can get my decorating-with-metal fix from her.  she's a fantastic artist.  her shop is an amazing masterpiece called Miracles, in Fayetteville NY.  go there.  trust me.  if you come in for the show, we'll take a car out there.  she's open 7 days, which shocked me.  usually only mall places are open 7 days.  but these are all Master stylists and estheticians.  i had a pedi and a root cover today.  took diva for a walk and kept smelling chocolate.  my legs.  chocolate mint.  i could just lick my legs, if i could reach.  ok going places now, so i'd better say bye.

(post 2) Oh - by the way...

today is the last day to join up...

The Dig: Phase 2; Section 2; Day 5-ish; Shelf 6&7

well, hopefully.  Baby steps.  today's goal is shelf #6 and shelf #7.  it doesn't look like much progress has been made, because i have to keep shoving stuff from the new work area over into the old spot that I just cleared.  But trust me (and my garbage man), there is a t-o-n of progress.  today, the top shelf of unit 1 & 2 were cleared.  the stuff on top of unit 2 is waiting for the recycling bin to be emptied.  anyone need feathers?  blue jay, flamingo, hawk, cockatiel, cardinal and some other ones.  oh woodpecker.  those will be scheduled out in the morning, so let me know quickly.  a huge bin of fabric is going going....where?  velvets, lace, netting, many "etc etc" and a cartload of lace ribbon and lace stuff that comes wrapped around the oval plastic thing at the store.  yes - it's mostly all still on the oval plastic thing.  ("I like that.  I'll take it all").  some antique lace, some just plain old lace.  and much embellishment-type stuff...sequin-y and yarn-y stuff.  want it?  the hardest thing for me will be the rusty metal stuff, i can see that right now.  i've gotten rid of a million boxes already, which i thought would be hard, but the rust just sings to me, and i make no apology. it's just the way it is.  and throughout all this, i just picture the load getting lighter, and less to drag around with me, which mean less of a drag on me - less holding my feet in cement.  so let me know asap if you want/need anything mentioned above. also, if you might need some cool rusty stuff, let me know, and when i get to that part, it will be easier (maybe) to sort through it if i know it's going to a good home.
As difficult as this project is, I'm so excited by it - freedom to breathe & create, comin' right up!

This is from the other day:

 ok - here's a picture from this morning - see, i told you it didn't look like much had been done...(there are empty shelves, though, behind that painting on the bottom right)....


now - off to do some more digging.

the plan

Tomorrow, an early start, with a hair appointment at what?? 9am?? across town?? oy vey who scheduled that? well, okay, then AFTER that, a continuation of The Big Dig: Phase 2, Shelf 5, Day 4.  I am lightening my load, and it feels so good.  i am starting to get a little crazy with minor stress about the fundraiser (WHAT IF NO ONE BUYS????)  plus the fact that i can't actually make art in my art studio (see above - Dig) and it's frustrating.  but tonight the air is cooler, and there's a nice breeze, so i've turned off the fake air and am enjoying the feel of the Outside air inside.  goodnight, sleep well.  thank you all for your encouraging emails, by the way.  i appreciate it!  nothing like hearing Ping Ping Ping while i work.  now wasn't this just all deep & spiritual?  ok maybe tomorrow.  i do have some things on my mind.

a little birdie...

about half way through, something pretty spectacular happens....best seen full screen....

update

i have been working for a while now, and haven't cleared the first box.  it is a huge box, granted, but i decided to start with one of the hardest. (actually 3 boxes in one). there are teensy scraps of paper, etc, in this box (which i dutifully chucked) but there were also some family photos mixed in...had plans for a collage/painting.  there is also a load of stuff that made me scratch my head wondering why in the world i felt it had any value in my life whatsoever.  so progress is being made, but not at the heave-ho pace i had planned.  just getting the stuff out of my studio is a major feat, and the only way i can do this project is to remove the box or bag or whatever, and make stuff justify it's way back in.  i have set aside a specific and non-adjustable amount of space for all this ephemera and "objects of imagination."  it's the only way i can do this, after looking at some of my "prizes."  there are 3 objects that i have no immediate use for, but will remain.  and i will fight you on them.  one is an antique typewriter given to me by Lynn.  I love it...the way it looks, the way it types, the way it feels.  i do have use for it when i make some of my jewelry.  the other 2 things are tools, as well.  and i don't like to give up tools, as they are expensive to replace.  so there's the update.  husband goes on a 6-day sailing adventure in a week, so i hope to have this mess cleared by the time he returns on the 16th.  then i'll treat myself -er, my studio, rather - to a coat of fresh paint, and actually hang some artwork!  breaktime is over...got the shakes real bad, so had to protein-load.  that crazy blood sugar thing.  and the coolest thing i've found is......a secret.  but if you have a trip to italy planned anytime soon, you are going to want to keep your eyes peeled for the necklace this treasure ends up in!  keep checking here for it.

Post #3 (sorry)

please don't bring me any more stuff.  it's like giving the dog too many treats.  it's all well-intentioned, but now look at this mess to clean up.  it's for my own good, even though right now, i feel like i'm dropping my kids off at summer sleepaway camp...parting is such sweet sorrow.  and i don't even have kids.  just how sick is this, that i'm emotionally attached to some of this crappity crap crap?  ok.  no judgement - it's just all going.  1,2,3......
breathe into the bag.....

post #2

by the way....I have a Gi-Normous chalkboard for free to anyone who can pick it up by sunday.

the only answer

my studio is such a mess that i consider it a disrespect for the space and materials that i have been given.  in my attempt to clean & clear, it is at the stage where things must be hopped over and scooched around, and i fear i have lost the dog into the great abyss.  i am tired of it being like this - threatening to topple...things saved for Someday...but i don't even remember what they are, nor do i have a visual on them, so, quick - what's under the big roll of batting?  for $50 and the championship....no clue.  i have half - started and half- finished projects...i have never- started and never-will-start projects....all lining my wall-to-wall shelving...all collecting nests in my head....so...what to do?  chuck it all.  ALL.  nothing will remain on the shelves.  not a single feather or grain of sand.  not a typewriter or a boat light or rusty gear or paper ephemera....and i have tubs and tubs and tubs of all of it.  and seriously - how important can it be if i don't know it's there, or i haven't needed it in 3 years??  that is just nonsensical.  i started looking at it, and said "oh - wait - i'll use that...and that..."  but guess what?  If i found it once, i'll find it again.  and that leaky bag of rusty shit?  it's a leaky bag of rusty shit.  there are no magical powers in it...no spiritual answers.  and who knows what will come in once there's room?  and maybe i can put an actual comfy chair in here so i can think and read.  oh, studio...you will heart me soon.  dumpster dumpster, where for art you?  (pun intended)
BTW - the paper is gone gone gone!! thank you everyone.