seen on a t-shirt:  I will protect this house.

5 words.  got me thinking as i shopped for larger size pants, feeling not-so-great about it but realizing it was inevitable since i am down to 2 1/2 cigs (tops) for the past few days.  i pictured my body as the house that needed protection.  from what?  from being bullied, and told it was ugly and not quite good enough and should be ignored or needed to be shoved into Spanx and worked and sweat and contorted until it fit "the" definition of what was good and beautiful and acceptable - even to me.  protect this house.  and then i thought how cool it was to have a "new" house (my new size) and how i get to decorate the new house.  and it was all good.
yes - i do plan to walk more, and yes, i do plan to try zumba, and yes, i do plan to ride my bike more.  but i do not plan to un-love my "house," my temple.  i plan to become more active because i can now breathe, and want to be more active.  i can express my dance mojo through zumba or modern dance or salsa dance.  i have been every size from a 0 to 14.  i felt healthiest at a size 6-8.  it is likely that single digit pant sizes are a memory.  but i tell you this - i will not be defined by my size or my age or any other "restriction of acceptable beauty" that anyone dares to put on me.  do not make me come there and have a conversation.  i will not call myself fat, i will not call myself overweight.  those are measurements of standards that belong to someone else.  I AM. what has always mattered most me was Who You Are in the world, to the world...and that will matter most to me as long as i take breath (newly fresh breath).  I rarely notice a person's size or physical attributes when i meet them...more the vibe they give off, and the kindness they show.
Protect your house.  from outside bullies.  And inside bullies.
Love that t-shirt.

Life Plan

Life Plan

I asked her what she planned to do with her life & she said she was way beyond that point already. I'm just happy I remember to be there when it happens, she said. -Brian Andreas StoryPeople just a clarification about my last post...i was in no way bashing anyone or "downing" a retreat...it was about the little subtle epiphanies we have as we go through life, and how sometimes we have to get flattened in order to get the point.  in case you wondered.

finally - a morning to ease into...i took a bubble bath last night (!) and relaxed on the couch with Diva & bulimia cat vying for best position...i highly recommend this bubble bath: Primal Elements Rubber Ducky. It's the official bubble bath of ElDorado 2011, and absolutely addicting! so i had a soak and a relaxation hour, counted my diary of smoking and saw I only had 6 cigarettes yesterday - down from 25! we 3 went to sleep early, all snuggled in. today is busy with the details of the show ...tags, pricing, inventory list, and all sundry matters that need attention. i refuse to get caught up in facebook today, and waste my time. The sun is shining, though, and the cardinals are out in full force calling me to sit on the deck for a bit, so it's a tussle. still a bit too cold to go out in my jammies, so i'll work. i am loving my part time job...just the right balance of everything...not too busy, not too many hours, something different every minute. i enjoy my co-workers, and have the opportunity to go outside and stare at the hawks whenever i want. the facility is all windows, so i can see when they are near the nest (the hawks, not co-workers) and expect to be able to watch any babies fledge. not sure of there are eggs, but time will tell. i feel like i am finally stepping away fully from the crankiness and "off" feeling that has dogged me since october. resentments that were being held have been released, and i'm moving on, not wasting time to analyze why they were there in the first place - why waste more time? i am happy & have deep gratitude for where I am and what I'm doing and what's been given me in life. it's interesting to me to see other friends and acquaintances as they go through life, and hear their expectations and things they look for. a lot of the younger (30 and under) people i know are struggling with their identity and how they fit in and what their purpose is. then the 40's people have an idea of what they want to accomplish now that the kids are out of the house. when you get to the late 40's+ it's all different. when i turned 50, i had the sudden realization that my life was basically half over. should i live a healthy life, it was still unlikely that i would hit 100, so i needed to do the things most important to me. now. and there was no time to luxuriate in "finding" myself - i was right there, and no amount of guru time would change it. the secret was that in living my life, i was who i was. no searching needed. i didn't need to know how i would react in a given situation...i would deal with the situation when/IF it came up. i didn't need to be more like someone else to be a better me...i was who i was for a reason, and who cared what the reason was. i am who i am and need to get busy with life. the kind of leisure, vacation-y things i chose changed too. i love getting together with like-minded ladies! but - there has to be some substance behind it if i'm going to pay someone else for the experience. for years i've gone on art retreats every summer/fall, and these have changed my life. it's about the gathering together of women...artistic, creative women. and i have cherished these weeks like a lover. but it's also about the art, and the skills learned while i'm there. the deep friendships that have been made have inspired my artwork in ways i could never have guessed. and enriched my life in ways i never thought possible (and i hope i've done the same for them!). one of the biggest disappointments i had to overcome these past months was the fact that none of my family of friends would be traveling to meet this year. and i know that even if they were, i would not have joined them, unless it was for a weekend, apart from the retreat. all expressed to me the same feeling that the time was planned for a younger group this year - finding their voice, centering themselves in the chaotic world, building courage to take back with them. at first, i felt a dark flash of anger that "my" special week had been ruined - that the only time i would see most of my tribe of friends was that particular week...no sitting by a roaring fire with bottles of wine and stories from the front lines...no talk of paints and wax and technique, as we picked phtalo green out from under our nails. we had been bumped out just by the choices of class offerings. alarmingly, the resentment grew until it was unspeakable...i was afraid to share what i was feeling because it was just so ugly. between being sick, and holding this back, i was unable to create. not a single drop of paint, not a single gemstone strung on a silver wire. and the bigger and uglier the feeling got, the sicker i got. hmmm. when i lost my hearing, i finally got scared enough to fixate on something else, and eventually the wind was shifted from the Ugly Boat sails, and it began to deflate. and finally today, it crossed my mind for the first time in about two months, and i realized that i had stepped away from it...without meditation circles or any spectacular means...just getting on with my one precious life, and not wasting whatever time i have left. whew - this did go on! i guess the quick version is this: each stage of a person's life brings different things, and different priorities, and all of it is good, and all of it has it's time...just like the Bible (and folksong) says...to every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose. i'm no longer feeling the ugly anger. disappointed? yes. very much so. but i have to believe there is a reason for this, so i'm going forward with gratitude - real, true gratitude. because if there's something more important than hangin' with my girls, then it must be spectacular. and to the ladies: I miss you each & every one!

still here! working crazy hard, and it is exhausting. will catch up with the full toot later today or tomorrow.... wishing you days filled with so much overwhelming goodness

bonjour!

yes - it has begun...the great retraining of the mind to think en Francais, sil vous plait.  i looked at Rosetta Stone ($599 yikes) and a few others, and decided that I'd go with Living Language ($179) because it was cheaper and has an online component where you can work with an actual french person (yes folks! an Actual French Person!) for immersion conversations via skype or something.  i'm going to go through these cd's before i start the adult ed class...i know a beginning adult ed french class would have me running for the door - too basic, i think.  and i want to learn conversational language, not how to conjugate words and such.  so far i can say: hello, how are you?  what is your name?  my name is Mr. White (we'll need to change that i suppose).  How's it going?   good? so-so? super? fantastic?  Meet my wife, Madeline. (yeah).  Have a good evening.
not bad for 20 minutes?  (i skipped through it). (i may need vodka)  it's just too nice a day to be inside learning anything...i spent an hour or so this morning out back embroidering, and it was tres formidable (fantastic). i just made that phrase up.  so back to my comfy chair outside.  oh! a nap outside! yes!! ok bye for now!  bonsoir/au revoir depending on your time zone.

oh hello! remember me?

I haven't even tried to post for a bit...the new job is spectacular....logistics is right up my alley...just like a puzzle, trying to get this to there and make sure there's enough of that here. thankfully, it's just 3-4 hours every few days, though. i still have time to get my artwork done, and speaking of that - yikes! so much to do for the show! inventory, wiring the pieces, some actually still need the sides finished. oy. but it's all very good. i'm doing good overall on the no-smoking-campaign...some days excellent and some days okay and some days really could do better. but i know it will be a gradual process for the next month, so i'm not forcing the issue. i plan to use the money i save to go to Paris next spring. yes, i know. this is the girl who could barely make it across town not so long ago. and still is a little shaky at times. but i need a goal to fixate on, and i am confident that this will happen. i'm thinking about signing up for some french immersion classes. did you know my original career track was to be a french teacher? damn those sidetracks! it's a beautiful day, with a gentle breeze creeping in my studio...time for a walk, then breakfast, then another walk with diva. no wonder my days are full - all this animal spoiling. wishing you a day of gentle breezes carrying sweet scents....

I was blog hopping this morning, while waiting for my newly discovered tax man to call me back ("in 20 minutes" 2 hours ago) and found this exquisite quote on Big Strong Girl Designs (not sure who the actual author is):

"memorize her face, her skin, her touch, her voice.
listen closely to all that she has to tell you. be there
when you are with her. embrace time with her and cherish it.
memorize it all....one day that is all that is left~ just a memory."

I'm down with that...

from Paulo Coehlo

you can sell your time, but you cannot buy it back.

TIGERS!

A good friend, and one of the nicest people on this earth, Jason Roche has written & produced a documentary about the old Tiger's Stadium....go to kickstarter & donate so his dream can be realized...here's a peek...

diva

diva is slowly slowing down. actually, a bunch of slowdowns happened all at once, and now a creeping towards places i don't want to think about. she sleeps most of the day & night, despite my attempts to lure her out of nappy land with Pink Gorilla and Sheepy, her very favorite toys. her "nest" behind husband's comfy chair has all her other friends lined up in a circle around her blankie, as if a human hand arranged them. her little walk is now a big walk, with her needing to be carried the last few yards. i think the hardest thing for me right now is her eyes - more times then before, she'll look at me as if she is completely stumped as to where she is and what she is supposed to do. yesterday she bit the cat. they have had a cautious friendship for the past few years, with diva even allowing kitty to sleep on the Sacred Woobie during the day (this is the blankie at the foot of the bed). i am patient with her, giving hugs and spending extra tummy rub time, knowing from watching Kita that this could be a final few days/weeks or years. we have been through a lot together.

she is my love.

Andy in training?

A Structure - 4th in a series :

This twig structure resides impermanently in my neighbor's backyard. it is the 4th such structure he has built - each out of fallen tree limbs and twigs...each with a found element - a glove, a bright yellow balloon sagging with water, a red ball. they are remarkable in their complexity up close, and are free standing...no tape or nails or any mechanical means of holding them together...just careful consideration of placement. i watched (covertly) as he worked on one, and was amazed at the intensity of his concentration, and the result.
My neighbor is 6 years old.

soulmates

it's true - I have a mad crush on Paulo Coelho. His books are incredible. and now, here he is:



and here's another ditty from StoryPeople:
not sure if she's ready for the whole world, but not sure if she can take another minute cooped up in that cage either. leaving the door open so if she has to come back she can do it with a minimum of anxiety

tonight is the season premiere of Deadliest Catch. I know, I'm a dork. but husband and I watch it like it's our job. just sayin'

semi-productive in the studio today, having had an early early wakeup call from bulimia cat...apparently my hair looked like an excellent place to make a nest, and at the pre-dawn hour of Cats Awake, much shuffling, pouncing and digging began in a serious attempt. for about a minute. then my brain engaged enough to figure things out. and make it stop. but there i was awake. so i headed to the coffee pot and the day. it's hard for me to go back and work on a painting or collage once i feel done with it, but i have a bad habit of leaving the gallery edges naked, so that's my work for the next weeks. well, the aforementioned bulimia cat is banging his/her head against my shoulder blades, demanding attention...not content to simply sit on the back of the chair.
wishing you a day filled with fuzzy love....

“Nuclear armed flying robots. On remote control. What could possibly go wrong?”

-Rachel Maddow

wow - has it been 5 days?? ok - here's a treat from StoryPeople:
It was a day filled with the glow of ordinary things & we passed them quietly from hand to hand for a long time & someone said she had picked a perfect day to be born & I think all of us felt the same.

happy birthday to you....

it has been quite an emotional up and down and all around, as my feet get steady and start moving forward...sorry to let go of an old dream that really didn't work for me anyway...excited about some upcoming possibilities and opportunities...trying to decide on a few - do they fit where my feet want to go, or are they still fragments and threads of the old thought? sometimes tempting and hard to know.
i will say this - i am feeling real good about some solid decisions i've made, and am hoping the universe cooperates with where i want to head.
it's kind of interesting to watch those makeover shows - the people kind. you look at the "before" shots and wonder why they never gave the hair back to the 80's? dreams are a lot like that...if held long enough in a dark spot, they don't gleam quite as much in the light of day, and you wonder why in the world you held onto it so long, and why (perhaps) you grew resentful of everything and everyone who "stood in the way" of you being able to make it happen...you know the excuses, and some are quite valid...but dreams need airing out every so often...trying them on for fit...seeing if they still work with your path and where you are headed...a dream from years ago may not be enough for your grown-up self - or may have seen too much time pass. or, it may be the perfect thing at the perfect time, and now you can run with it! there's a new show on TV called Touch. the show espouses that every thing and every person is connected by a golden thread, and that if this tiny thing changes here, then it will affect things down the thread. i believe that life is like that...that maybe a dream from this time in your life was there to bring you to point B, and point B walked you along till you got somewhere else, and on & on. Maybe the purpose of working the dream was not to be a world class whatever, but to make connections and put you in situations that will take you to the real Purpose of your life. maybe. you decide. but whether or not you ever get to follow your dream, or whether or not your dream becomes a wild success or not, give honor and gratitude to it, and don't be frustrated & resentful if it doesn't look like what you planned. for it is the dream that is taking you along your true path - wherever that may lead.

on the phone

me: do you think everyone can make some form of their dreams come true?
her, from miles and miles away from me: yeah, but what if a person just has no dreams?

she had me there.

Preview

May 2-30...The Galleries Library....downtown Syracuse...my solo show: Untitled: the artwork of Linda Esterley. So Far.

(not to change the subject, but see the kitty to the right? put your cursor on the white spot by his tag. cute? it doesn't take much to amuse me)

Frustration #749 : falling in love with a blog, only to discover the owner hardly ever updates....