i may have caught my breath...just enough...to post.....tomorrow. i'm nesting right now...sorting twigs and sticks and tossing out the sharp parts and getting ready to prepare for my new life....that starts in 1 hour and 57 minutes. excelsior...ever upward.

i am still processing all the crunchy goodness that has been piled on me...holding it close, yet trying to act quickly and not miss out on any opportunities that feel right. i will say that if you're in the area this weekend, you will not regret one minute of time spent watching a felting demo being given by the incredible Elizabeth Moldenhauer at Szozda Gallery. what she does with roving is a wonder. She and I are teaming up for a few Art festivals this season...look for us at the Westcott Art Trail in June (1st weekend, I believe)...we'll be at Amy Komar's. also on tap: the Downtown Arts & Crafts festival in July, and possible the Finger Lakes show and the Lafayette Apple Festival. I'm so excited and blessed to be able to do these shows with such an incredible sister. ok - now i'm off to reclaim my studio....

time is running out

(vernal equinox moon through Sworovski spotting scope) you've just got to go here and see it in person! (not the moon - sorry that was just a random picture i took, although I'd love to send some people to the moon. nameless). it is amazing. i promise. and a week from monday...poof! gone! and everyone will be talking about it but you. don't say i didn't warn you. today will be a busy one - despite my intention to stay home in my sweats and help husband with his personal Big Dig - moving the actual desk downstairs. PSD has promised to come help, and that will be much needed. i am still in search of new / used ProPanels cheapity cheap. and quick. but at the rate these blessings have been falling from the sky, I have confidence that they will find me in time. i'm also tossing around ideas for displays, etc. so the lineup for attention today - Diva, LisaLisa - who wants a private tour of the show, and what a grand excuse to see this special woman, then the camera shop to buy paper, home, moving stuff, laundry, ummm, anything else?? oh - the thrift store for some yummy things to make other things with. shh..it's a surprise! i need to source some chain and sterling tags (i always like at least 2 sources...it is now 8 years that i am waiting on a backorder from a silk distributor - i think they forgot). oh- and plan some logistics for some art festivals. oh - and design some greeting cards. glad it's my day off. yesterday was the last friday i will have at my job. i coined a phrase when i came to that department "Get Bob's Money!" (Bob is the CEO). someone sneaky had a rubber stamp made up with those words on it, and when i came back from lunch - it was on my desk! how cool is that? I've been a little sneaky around there too, but i can't say how right now....they'll see! kind of bittersweet, leaving. there are those i'll miss seeing, and you know how it goes - you always say "we;ll get together," but the reality is - people get busy and don't make time. i'm guilty of it myself. well, time to start the hamster wheel. i'll meet you back here later.

confession

i have a confession: i may have misrepresented a bit. not intentionally. it was inner confusion. not really inner confusion, though. it was more like saying what i expected i would be feeling at this juncture in my life. the truth, as i saw it today: i am not scared shitless. i feel free and confident and excited and huge and successful and certain. i feel looked-after by angels, and guided. i am flying, eyes wide open, hair on fire, electrified and grinning ear to ear. there is no time for being scared...there is no place for it in my life. i have spent 30+ years being / doing / living the way that was expected or needed at the time. no more. i have spent most of my life in a semi-martyr state, pushing aside my own dreams in order to make someone else's life easier. no more. it is my time. and if, in that time, i choose to pass up an opportunity in favor of someone else's moment, then it will be done as a choice - not an expectation. i could just explode with the feelings.

ok, where was I?

oh yeah...now be warned - there are large self-edited gaps here, intentionally placed to protect some intensely personal things going on - not my things, so it's not my story to tell. but as a result of those things, i have left my job. or will be finishing my last day 3/31. and in taking that leap some incredible and wondrous things have happened, as if God was saying "don't worry be happy." the stars have aligned in such an incredible way...every day has brought sugary goodness wrapped in a fairy tale of wonderment. (no - it isn't the hint of spring getting to my head. we just got a huge dumping snowstorm, so check that off the list). some incredible opportunities have been placed lovingly at my feet, and some just flung at me like mashed potatoes from the end of a fork in 7th grade. and i am gobsmacked and grateful for each and every splat of goodness. first- a commercial break before we continue our show: please go to Szozda Gallery this saturday and watch the incredibly wonderful & talented Elizabeth Moldenhauer make felting beauty right before your eyes. and buy some art. okay, back to our show. so my last day is next thursday, making today my last friday. through a series of edited events, i will have the opportunity to sit in a room and Just Make Art. this art will be made for 4 upcoming opportunities, art fairs, etc. Yes. but wait there's more! i will be designing a line of greeting cards that have been rumbling about in the corners of my mind, unseen but wisping about. you will like them - there is nothing like them. you'll see! Wait!! still more. during the first few months of this no-big-girl job, i was worried that our ship would sink, or at least hit an atoll or something. but nooo. God said giddyup nervous gal, and yesterday out of the blue, i got a call from a former radio friend. we'd done morning stuff together years ago and stayed in touch. the offer was made to do a mid-day show on a newly formatted station. but hang on, you say...how will you fulfill your heavily edited personal obligation to the Chosen One? here's how....technology, my friend, technology. once a week I'll head to a dark and lonely studio, and voice track the entire week's show. bam. done. cha-ching. if you pay close attention the next time you listen to regular radio, there isn't much the DJ actually talks about. or should. so it's all good. did i mention it was country music? ha ha, God...very funny. here we go again. so now i have to get ready for the Last Friday. be well today. i'm not going all pollyanna on you, but there are long moments in my day where i just sit and think "this is so lovely. thank you thank you thank you. i will try to be worthy of the gifts given." and other moments where i'm just scared shitless. so, it's a regular rickety zen circus, as usual.

PS

If you live in the syracuse NY area, or feel like traveling here, API is putting together a workshop by my request on how to photograph artwork. details are still being worked out, but it will be overly informative and very professional. contact me or comment if you have an interest so I can let them know approx how many.

so for the past 2 days i've been trying to take my own advice, and give my notice at my job. why so long, you may ask, when any other intelligent being would simply say "You'll notice my absence in 2 weeks," or some such. but noooo. i have to go to my boss who sends me to her boss who is in a meeting then finally is free and contrives this time off and/or part time thing to which i'm amazed and flattered and frustrated. i need to leave sooner rather than later. but they want me. they like me. but i know i'm doing the right thing. in most moments. then there are some other moments where i say WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?? and i don't want to be a thinker, i want to be a do-er. and so i try to stop thinking (not so hard for me as it turns out since i've been falling asleep at my desk on a regular basis. like, snoring falling asleep). but i need to do this. and i'm a wreck because, although husband has known on a certain level, we haven't had that definitive discussion. the one where i dream he says all manner of supportive things and we kiss and drive to the beach. (there's no beach here. we are landlocked). but i just Know it has to be done. so following another painful meeting today where i am urged to apply for FMLA, i finally put the lid on it before i rupture something in my head or heart. i typed out a resignation letter. addressed it to all 3 bosses, paused, said a prayer, and hit send. and felt my life drop into my stomach with the same intensity as a high rise elevator during rush hour. but it was done. yes, it can be undone. but it cannot. and i step forward into my dreams. i have been at this job for 5 years, and that is amazing to me. as amazing as the fact that this july will be my 10th wedding anniversary. time does indeed fly. i have so much to say on the day's events, but need to sort everything out into it's proper mental bin before i ramble nonsensically. as if. but be with me on this next left turn of my journey to myself. or should i say "right" turn. no really - be with me. because i'm confident and excited and scared shitless.

it continues to be a time of quiet, gentle learning of what the next steps are...and a bonding of women, each strong & each unsteady, in their own areas, & each giving fully of what they have to offer for healing. so much learned about selves and one another. i honor and respect and am grateful to each...for what they give and for what they allow me to give. my heart is full, and broken, at the same time.

is it just me, or the full moon, or what? the world wide web is painfully slow tonight. an hour to log onto etsy to buy some beautiful bundles ...shhhh! one's a gift. anyway, i am tired, it's late, but i wanted to check in and say that i am blessed to have the most incredible PSD. i love her like i never knew i could. and i wish for her every perfect dream come true, though not every wish. wishes seem to get me in trouble, so i'll assume it does the same favor for others. i made it in to work today, but spent my 8 hours disturbing other people's day and napping a lot. i just didn't feel it today. so this weekend is the start of the Big Move - husband's desk downstairs and my studio to myself Whoo Hoo! i celebrated by buying some Big Ass Canvases...so big they scare me. on sale! so off to rub some puppy tummy. i promise more soon. i have some awesome little videos but can't get them from my droid to the blog. suggestions welcome. please go see the show - it's amazing. Elizabeth Moldenhauer is a felting diva, i tell you! i drool.

ok i'm back...did you miss me? i am exhausted, and my thoughts are still nebulous, so i'll give you this bit, borrowed from a friend's post....it is apropos: Cherish your solitude. take trains by yourself to places you have never been. sleep alone under the stars. learn how to drive a stick shift. go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. say no whenever you don’t want to do something. say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. decide whether you want to be liked or admired. decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. ~ Eve Ensler (my apologies for the rip-off, Jen...it's just that you have no idea how perfectly appropriate those words are right now.) oh heck, as long as I'm not being very original here, a redux...Brian Andreas' StoryPeople message from a month ago hit my spot and bears repeating: I don't know how long I can do this, he said. I think the universe has different plans for me & we sat there in silence & I thought to myself that this is the thing we all come to & this is the thing we all fight & if we are lucky enough to lose, our lives become beautiful with mystery again & I sat there silent because that is not something that can be said.

i will be mostly unavailable for the next few days, so if you call or email and don't get a reply, i'm not ignoring you.

i have so much left to do

it is beautiful and wonderful and just amazing...how Caroline hung the show is just a wonder to me. if you look real carefully you'll notice some color patterns within the gallery. sneaky. so - friday night was the opening reception, and i always worry that no one will show up. especially since this weekend is the Big East tournament, the St. Patrick's day parade, and last but not least the Monster Truck competition. i bite my tongue. but - it was fabulous. the place would pack out, then ease up throughout the night. i am so thrilled that so many of my workmates came, and brought their families. one husband said he wouldn't miss it, after all the stories he's heard about me. say wha? but it was all goodness. sales were good for an opening night, and it was such a great feeling to do this with Elizabeth. her felted work is luscious, i tell you, just tasty goodness. AND has a huge picture on pg 18 of the STARS magazine today...go elizabeth! she is an amazing artist, and an incredible person. she needs a clone. the other artist featured in the show is Lynette Blake...her work makes you stand there slackjawed and drooling. you see something new every minute. she is someone who becomes a friend easily and truly. The amazing renegade seamstress herself, Helen Carter from Secret Lentil came down from her shop/studio to see the show (i was wearing one of her dresses). (love her clothes..."protective gear for your internal revolution). I just read this back and gawd it sounds like some 2D society page report. feh. here's why: i am exhausted. the schedule, as you may recall, was up at 4am friday after a teensy bit of sleep thursday due to a barking dog/monster under the bed issue. work till 4pm, then go to the reception. silly me forgot about the dinner portion iof the day, and really need to eat constantly for blood sugar issues. had some wine instead - it's a fruit, right? got myself home, and figured i'd be walking on my hands for a few days - who invented high heels?? up at 4am saturday to go in for a few hours of not-really-mandatory-but strongly-suggested-you-be-there work at the Big Girl job. new boss shows up late with the breakfast pizza that i was countinng on to Be There when i got to work, and thus avoid another blood sugar meltdown get the scissors away from her incident. it arrived, i ate, and realized how hungover i felt just from being tired and from smiling so much the night before like reverse botox. was scheduled till 11:45, but left at 11, as i remembered the parade traffic. ended up driving all the way to Dewitt, turning around, and attacking the highway through a different route. success. a day at the gallery ends in hysteria - caroline and i go to check out the Free Pile, and find some sort of speaker or radio or machine of some sort, and the manic glee in that girl as she snipped away parts and pieces for me - well, it was worth having to hold back the crowd that gathered to watch! husband spent the day knee deep in hops and cleaning out a room that will Very Soon become his new office. i am happy for him, really really happy. because that means i also get the whole Big Room! I make dinner somehow, and realize i left some of my metal booty at the gallery, bummer. snuggle on the couch around 7-ish. then it is 2am. then it is 7am. so that, my friends, is why this post sounds so cheesy. it will likely take me a few more days to fully process and recover. i was handed an incredible opportunity at the show, which will necessitate big courage of the leaping variety, and i am crazy ready for it! so my apologies for the flatline of a post. i will makke it up to you with pictures very soon, 'kay? now go fix your clocks.

in this life, I still have so much to do. and i feel like i want to grab armfuls and do it all at once...not being able to choose between them...i am grateful beyond words today.

I C U

as in "I see you" but i don't...went to the eye dr last night, and can I pose this question: if they can put a man on the moon, why can't they figure out a way to get your eyeglass prescription without having to depend on me to tell someone if A or B is clearer? C or D? so i will have some spanky new glasses soon (as soon as the Hubble is done with it's magnification lens) but they sent me out the door with a pair of trial contacts ... i am soo excited - they never not ever have my prescription on hand. and that made me smile big. except i can't really see anything nothing i tell you up close, even with "readers." like the keyboard on this computer is very very fuzzy, and if i didn't have a vague familiarity with where some keys are, it would look like this: b829fjdnovn, etc. So, good and bad news. and forget about my phone. feh. no way. it is reduced to an overpriced flashlight right now. but i don't really care much about contacts so all-in-all, it will be fine. i have some incredible news...i asked a friend to ask her niece to manifest something Big and Scary for me. and sometimes Those That Fulfill The Manifest Requests know better than you. Sort of like a Grandma Lana, but more smoke & mirrors. so just the other day, an amazing thing happened, and it was so amazing, and i've been so much a posterchild for mental Red Bull, that it took a full 2 days for me to realize that This was the actual opportunity i wanted for now. So the Grandma Lana diety said, "Feh - you tink you vant, but no- Lana know what you should vant - is goot you like." all i really want is a room of my own. a large, bright, temperature controlled room with a lock on the door. to run rampant, artwise, knowing that i don't have to clean up till i'm ready to, or keep the noise down, unless i want to. and the studio at the Delavan showed me that i actually Need this. but...the affordability question was resolved. but...i didn't want to spend that much time away from my diva, and although there are plenty of don't-ask-don't tell dogs down there, she is not compatible with most things in life, and is not one to keep her muzzle to herself. so when husband mentioned that he was moving his office downstairs, leaving me the Entire 22 x 22 room to myself, i almost cried. well, i actually did a bit. and last night it sunk in that This would be perfect for now. Perfect. the floors were never finished, as the previous (original) owner died (in the kitchen) before completing the room. there are matching throw rugs end-to-end covering the bare plywood underneath. perfect! those bad boys will be gone in a NY minute when we do the Great Move. this will take a bit, because the huge U-shaped desk my husband uses, was actually constructed inside the room, so it must be de-constructed, then re-constructed downstairs. neither one of us has the energy for that right now, but i'm workin' it up baby. so it's a very goot thing yes. i can wwander in and artify whenever i want, and diva can still go out whenever she howls. and we are all together koo koo ka choo. gotta love manifestation. i guess my fear was that my request would become misdirected to the maniNfestation department, and there are plenty enough of them around here as it is. so off to find the shower (hands along the wall) and start the hamster wheel. oh - have i mentioned i have an art show coming up friday? maybe once or twice? i think i'm so excited about this one because i get to sharewith the amazing felter extraordinaire Elizabeth Moldenhauer. she just amazes me with her skill, her creative swerve, and her Self. you just have to meet her, truly. my life is More because i know her. and you will definately want to own one of her pieces, so bring your checkbook. or cash.

Question ...guess Guess who went looking for an errant little piece of artwork Guess and found six of them she forgot and had to run to Loews and have more wood cut and start the whole process of gluing and screwing all over again? Did you guess??

I would like to use this moment to publicly thank Caroleena Szozda with all my heart ...sometimes D-rings are just more than a person can get through, and you should all have someone as wonderful as her in your lives that will sit on the floor and drill and wire many many many paintings. Oh and stay late to do it. Yes..she is all that.

never forget i was here

a sneak peek while paint is drying elsewhere...not a great shot, but a peek...click to enlarge

spring has been a trickster around here...a day or two of comparatively warm weather, then back to cold feet i say "comparatively" because in a few months, our balmy 46 degrees will be cause for curses and innuendos about packing up and moving south. but for now, i'll take the 46 and sunny. the hawks are starting to return, and a few birds that normally winter in Canada have found themselves here for the season, making for a chaotic shuffling for rental space in birdland. geese are honking past in increasingly larger flocks, and you know what that means....trips to the car wash! in a few minutes, i get on with the frame-a-palooza, but wanted to check in and say hey. subtle shiftings in the weather, and in my heart are making this and exciting time. cross your fingers for me - it promises to be a thriller of a ride.

reminder

a week from today (friday 3/11) ... i hope you can make the opening reception for Full Circle, my art show at Szozda Gallery 5-8pm. 501 W. Fayette St - 1 block west of the W. Fayette/West St intersection. Plenty of free parking right at the door! I say "my" art show, but I will be in great good company...none other than uber-felter Elizabeth Moldenhauer will be presenting some her fabulous vessels and wall art! the show is called Full Circle because we originally met at the Delavan Gallery when I had some pieces in their fiber show. you will want to meet her...there is no one in the world like Elizabeth. you will want to be her. Please stop by! if friday doesn't work, the show runs through April 3rd, but i think you'll want to be there friday. in other news, i saw the most beautiful woodpecker the other day as i headed into work...it's red head stood out against all the white snow as it clung to the tree. amazing. i checked my Animal Spirit Guides book and it said: "A storm is brewing, either literally or metaphorically, but have faith - you're protected no matter what....." Then - "you're entering a time of plenty and abundance." Can i get a Hey Yah? in the past week, i've had 4 opportunities for shows or other art-related work. and from some of the most random places and people. and here's the chiller...they all have a thread that stretches back to some event in the past. for instance, 9 years ago (NINE!) i met a woman at the annual Home Show here - a giant show stretching across 3 buildings of the Fairgrounds...vendors packed in with shiny tasty HUGE slabs of marble and vendors with the latest greatest whatever for the home. anyway, in the midst of all this commotion, i am drawn to this woman who has a circle of peacefulness around her. and we chat. i kept trying to leave - didn't want to steal her from her duties hawking countertops, but she keeps drawing me in and chatting. she is an artist / interior designer / business owner, just moved here from NYC, was helping out a friend with their booth since it was so large. i never forgot her, and remember thinking "this is an important moment." didn'tt know why. now i do. she's opened a restaurant with a conference room and wants some art in it. it's very very nice. and who tells me about it but my former boss. threads threads woven and weaving still. sends me 2 interoffice emails - oh the risk of it! other things are popping as well, and i hope to do 3 art festivals with Elizabeth in the coming months. i wish you could meet her. (note to my Squam posse - she made the other Elizabeth's vessel last fall). so - time for the hamster wheel to start spinning - shower, dog walk, work, home, rinse, repeat, and the Great Frame-A-Palooza this weekend! so don't forget...Friday March 11th....

gifties

i swear, even with all the stress & commotion of getting ready for this art show, all i see around me are little gifties...and the attitude of "it's almost my birthday" has sunk down in me deep. it's not almost my birthday, no worries, although a bi-annual event would be fun. just that low-grade excitement that something Good is just around the corner. and it has been. everyday. i asked my Queen to help manifest something into my life. my mental jury is out on the whole "name it and claim it" line of thought, but i do believe that when you want something bad, and you concentrate on that thing, you are giving focus and life to a dream. and that focus guides your actions, whether intentionally or subconsciously, and you find yourself saying "yes" to things that take you steps closer to that goal. then some pixie dust gets mixed in, and BAMMO! there it is. so, not a real scientific way of thinking, but for sure it's logical. and all along this pixie dust-sprinkled path lately, there have been little encouragements and nudges that Yes - now is the time for this...for you. My friend (and oooh that gives me a snuggly feeling to call her "friend")Christine has some artwork with these words on it..."Your wings already exist...all you have to do is fly." and for these many years, i'd look at that and think "lovely." yesterday something caught the edge of my peripheral vision, as i worked yet another spreadsheet. wings. and i said, right out loud, Damn! but it sounded more like "daaay-am" because it was a thoughtful, smiling sort of thing. and i realized the truth in the words for myself. this year i have watched as everyone started every sentence with "in this economy" as if it were a new country called "economy" where everyone lived to the highest mediocrity and talked in hushed tones, and became as amish as possible. we lost our spark of delight. and i also watched as my friend Georgia took flight like a rocket, launching her new book with a VIP event in Chicago, presenting at large & important conventions in DC, watching as she followed her passion of poetry, and as poetry thanked her for her tending of it and paid her bills and watered the garden in her soul. watching her stars align. and my friend Dan - having one thing after the other test him, but he stood firm and kept moving forward, and his art thanked him and paid him back in ways unimaginable "in this economy." and all around me, opportunities opened for me...kindnesses were practically flung at me...studios, teaching, kind words, and kind actions. and some of the best art i've ever made, coming from a wellspring inside me that i never knew existed. from a place, different than it's ever come from before...not from pain or disillusionment or sadness, but from gratitude and possibility and some other spot that refuses to be defined. so you know, i'd like to get an exit visa from this new country of "in this economy," and move past the smoke and mirrors. yes - i am not witless....the economy in this country is hard. very hard. difficult like most of us have never seen before. but i want to shake the attitude that everything needs to be muted and cautious around the edges. i want to continue to dream and be optimistic, and not feel badly for doing so. i want to be able to be aware of, and sensitive to, the fact that some very close to me are struggling financially, but don't want to color my outlook with doom. i want the dreams and sparks within me to glow and light a path. dreams with focus and possibility wrapped around them. and day by day, i see these things being woven in and it would take a complete dolt not to see the gifties being given to me. i accept those gifts, and the ones yet to come, because i see them there - out of the corner of my eye. and those wings fit very nicely.