be careful what you wish for....

or how many things you wish for...you may get them. all. at. once. and usually at the worst time. i should have listened when the gallery owner told me back at the beginning of the month..."i need a dozen pieces." and should have started making a dozen pieces of jewelry. like she wanted. but i've been so enthralled with collage that i didn't want to risk boring my collage muse, lest she flit away. so i didn't make a dozen pieces. i gave her what i had laying around and figured that would be plenty. art doesn't sell in these parts, let alone artsy jewelry. and lo! i sold a piece. then another. then 2 more. in 3 weeks. and there are 2 more definite orders. this is all good, right? and if she called, say, thursday even, and said she needed them for monday, then i could spend friday night and all weekend trying to bang some out (well, i mean making some nice pieces). but no. she didn't. and that seems to be how opportunity strikes...when you least expect it, and usually when your house isn't clean. so i did what any good artist would do when presented with this "opportunity" without the time to accomplish it. i panicked, freaked, swore vows that i would always have stock on hand, and cried. oh yes i got downright maudlin and pathetic. and flowery - "it's like my dream, my dream of all time, is right there in front of me, but my arms are an inch too short to grasp it." you get the picture. and i drove weeping & resentful to work yesterday. sang Rock Star very loud and off-key. then got over the histrionics and got busy. and guess what? last night, i learned how to solder with a torch and make bezels and cut copper pipe and learned about proper ventilation and fire. and made some bezels that i am proud to say "I did that." that would never have happened without this "opportunity." today will be words and resin and doodads and beads and chain. i made an executive decision to work at art today, and give the Big Girl Job part of my saturday. because saturday will be too late for this, but the BGJ grnds on at any hour of any day. so what have i learned: be grateful even when what you wished for comes at an inconvenient time...all the skills and knowledge will be available to you when you need it...you have friends and mentors that will give deliriously of themselves - just ask or accept their offered help...you are stronger than you know, wiser than you think (from Pooh)...keep calm and solder on. now - to step away from this glowbox in front of me and get productive.

the hap happiest time of the year

or not, for some. typically, these next few months are torture for those of us prone to dark moods and lethargic times...the daylight is shorter... the list of "to do" items are longer... families converge in what is often a chaotic heap of noise and personalities, bringing the ghosts of christmas past with them...post office lines rival retail lines, as manically cheerful bells and music ring constantly and at full volume... and it can seem like an overwhelming conspiracy to steal the very joy we've worked all year to capture in our souls. it is not an easy time, as bosses strive to cram that last nickel into the bottom line and grab that hoped for fat turkey of a bonus - on our backs. this year, i'm having none of it. yes, i plan to shop and post packages (maybe even on time this year) and all the fa-la-la-la-la that's involved. but when i leave the safety and quiet of my studio, i will go fortified...knowing that people will be at their frazzled worst and parking will be a nightmare and the lines will be longer than i thought possible and clerks will be snappy and the post office will be on the edge of Going Postal and throughout all this madness that has nothing to do with the spirit of the season, i will be fortified and centered and be deeply grateful for each and every frustration...grateful that i am able to drive in a car i own, to a shop displaying beautiful and tempting goodies, and purchase (moderately) those goodies as i imagine the joy they will bring...my home is not devastated by flood or earthquake or civil unrest (of the kind that you see on the national news)...i have a home to leave from...i will have food to eat before i leave the house, and warm clothes to keep me comfortable as i walk that mile from my parking space to the door of the mall/shop. i could go on, but you get the point. in my frustrations, i will see the blessing that has "caused" the frustration. i will be overly pleasant with the snappy clerk who is probably working her 10th day of 12-hour shifts, and only wants a bubble bath in the very same stuff you are buying...or a good stiff drink. when the dusk threatens to catch me at home, or wherever i am, i will remember these "frustrating" moments and be grateful, and hope that that gratitude will grow within me and become joy that will supplant the darkness. this is my belief. and when the urge to crawl back into the dark womb of my bed hits unawares and grabs hold anyway, i will reach out to those who understand the language of dark and light, and will know that mindless chatter on the phone is a saving life raft back to the shore. i think of how many hours i have spent on the phone with conversations that started with, "no real reason for this call - just wanted to say hello," and there is a certain plea that is unspoken, and i am grateful for the trust that has been given me to know - stop everything and just chat...make some tea, sit for as long as it takes and just talk about the mundane or the deep, philosophy of paper vs. plastic, or whatever it takes to chase away the look/don't look monster peeking around someone's mental corners. you may call me. my cell phone is always on. and we can chat about the merits of cerulean blue vs. cobalt blue, or how crazy it is to shop at this time of year, or how very special you are to me...and you can simply sit quietly on your end and listen to me chatter (which God knows i can do like it's my job - oh, wait...) or cry your heart out. or whatever you wish. i will, however, at some point ask you to fortify yourself like this: close your eyes...breathe in fully, breathe out fully, hold a smile on your face for the count of 15 - no matter how fake it feels. that's it. an old gypsy trick. i'm not sure how i got going on this track this morning, but i'm certain i'll look back and say "ah ha - that's why." now, as the dawn is creeping into my window, and the coffee is done perking hot and strong, and the house is mine, save for a few 4-leggeds, i will head to the studio and make some art which, when completed, may necessitate a long wait at the post office to send out to y-o-u. and i'll be thanking God for the blessing of creativity that allows me to express my love to you.

I've been up since dark o'clock, burning the candle at both ends since thursday's 4am foray into bim bam out the door. and yesterday i did a lot of nothing. i had a plan, that was certain. i always have a plan on weekends, in order to maximize the short amount of time i have to get into the studio, do my Becky Home-Ecky stuff, oh yeah - and be a good Diva mom. but it all fell by the wayside yesterday as i sunk into blissful nappy on the couch. i wondered when all the hubub would catch up with me. now i know. i slept & slept and when Diva checked for my breath, i got up, let her out, then we both sunk back into the comfy cocoon of a handmade quilt. i stifled the critical voices: You Should Be Printing! Grocery Shopping! Doing Laundry! blah blah blah. i Should be doing exactly what i Was doing! today, i'll fit in the important stuff...art & soldering. i have a large collage piece i'm working on. a serious piece that's been banging at my brain wanting out for a month now. and i also have to catch up on 2 weeks worth of online classes i'm taking. that's where the soldering comes in. that's where the fire dept almost came in yesterday. using a torch to solder...a little nerve-wracking in the studio area i had set up. too many flammability issues. and who knows how i catch a fireproof solder-catcher on fire. who knows. but i think prudence and safety will take over today, letting excitement run shotgun...but a few steps behind. and i need to speak with kitten and diva, as they are having serious Species Confusion issues...i heard Crunch Crunch from the kitchen yesterday and saw them side-by-side actually touching, as kitten ate the dog's special dental food, and diva chowed down on the kitten's crunchies. and here i thought diva was being so good to eat her special Very Expensive dental food. they had to have had some sort of conversation and handshake over this arrangement, because diva does not let anyThing near her food. whether she actually wants it or not. and believe me, you know when she doesn't...the whole staring at the bowl, then a pitiful look up at you as if to say, "you Really don't get it, do you?" then a few steps backward, a glance heavenward. pause. then if she's hungry enough - a few gobbles and walk away. This is why i don't have kids. i would end up feeding them marshmallow Fluff for breakfast if they wanted it. oh hell, what? don't give me that look...we ate it & survived. that was before everything you Wanted To Eat was food from the devil...salt, sugar, fat, etc. so maybe the food's okay, but our lifestyles aren't ...like maybe it's okay to eat sardines and Fluff and Frosted breakfast cereal with a TBL of sugar added Only If you go outside after and play for 8 hours. i'll get back to you on that theory. ok - time to start the hamster wheel....have a great, productive, but safe day!

it wasn't one thing...it was a chain of seriously amazing events that brought out this expression of art...

Dear God

What did I ever do?? it must have been tasty good. I cannot believe all the fluffy goodness crashing down on me. i just cannot believe it. (insert "unworthiness" rant here). my cube mates think i've lost the plot...tears (of gratitude) spurting out at random moments. to give you an idea - i was just gifted GIFTED free of charge nada dollars (deep breath) an Epson 2200 large format printer that is made for making archival art prints. pause. rewind. repeat. yes. yes. yes. so the chain of events is as follows: i decide to stay home last september. i (of course) change my mind and go to Squam. a class i signed up for is cancelled, and i take another class that i'm certain will bedevil me. it cracks open (my intention was to crack open) a fault line in my soul which spews forth collage after collage after collage. i decide to make prints for sale at the gallery, right around the same time my jewelry starts to sell. i find more than a few people who will scan and/or photograph my originals, and have a last minute entry into the list who quotes me an unheard of price (I wouldn't do it for this price) and AND throws in the printer of my dreams. all i need is the driver & software, so i'm hoping God will continue to smile on me and i'll be able to download it from the website. please please. so by monday, with much hard work and late hours, i should have some prints to hand to the lovely & incredible Caroline Szozda, mistress extraordinaire of Szozda Gallery. this will involve getting up at 4am tomorrow and racing through rush hour traffic to get from the far western reaches of the county to the downtown area, then the farthest eastern reaches, then lunch rush to the middle and back east. the hokey pokey. thank goodness i didn't get killed by that spider before i tanked up the other night. thank goodness my mother heard me all wound up for flight on the phone and decided to keep the diva dog 1 more night (where she is knee-deep in spoilage and chicken for all meals). Now, if this were the only whiptastic event on tap, i'd be thrilled beyond printable known words, but NO. there is oh so much more. so i guess it's a happy-face-on-the-calendar day. and the fact that my bosses heard our cries for help AND are hiring MORE PEOPLE to help...frost my cake now because i'm ready to chow...so good. right now i have about 30 minutes to finish a few touch-ups on a collage...husband comes home from his trip to NC tonight. i will blow a little blessing your way...watch for it.

just sayin

yes...i was a total Heart freak when i was younger than i am now. and yes...i was in a band that started out sort of religious but some of us swerved a little off the straight & narrow. and yes, i did belt out some Heart in my day...over-the-knee suede boots and all. and i still feel that same age. but once in a while, something...some reality thing...jumps up and yells "AAARRRR" and reminds me that i am not 20-something, 30-something or whatever-something...like right now - watching Heart on Palladia ... a few extra pounds on one...and a keyboard player that's quite pregnant...audience members look older - like my age. eek. oh but the music! play on ...

did ya miss me??

oy vey...it has been a few weeks of incredible highs and lows...not so much bad, as challenging. and not so much good, but INCREDIBLE. if i was a person to use foul language - oh wait...i am - i would use my best, bluest, high-consonant content stuff on verizon. i would, except that after a 56 minute wait on hold, i never did reach anyone. but they realize that my time is valuable and are sorry for the wait. at least that's what i think they said - the music on hold is at volume 11, so i lost a few tonal ranges. i screamed at the recording...i cried and gnashed my teeth...i swore never NOT EVER to even use a word that starts with a "V" so as to avoid a PTSD-like situation triggered by the first letter of that hateful, uncaring company's name. and they are even ruder in person at their stores. suffice it to say that if they screw up your billing, and are threatening to shut off your husband's business phone, just go Sprint. or Magic Jack. or Skype. or Campbell soup can and string. it will be easier in the long run, because this shut-off will be the result of their 3 previous attempts to get it right, and they will have added and subtracted billing amounts so many times that they are not able to figure it out, and unwilling to say "tie goes to the runner...go in peace...$0 balance." like i used to do in my former department. i am getting re-angry, so let's change the subject while i mutter obscenities under my breath. ok. breathe. in other news...gooder news...i have had showers of blessings pouring down on me...a virtual rip tide of Good Stuff. i sat in my car at lunch today, after receiving 2 calls i was waiting for, and had to wipe the tears away. that good. soaked my chicken sandwich good. and there are big things afoot, and just teeny little twinkles of blessings...shadows of a ghost of a blessing that seems put there for the amusement and enjoyment of the Blessing Fairy. as i dripped in my car today, i heard a loud call outside, and looked to see my hawk! he was back in the tree for a brief, and loud, moment, as if to say "hello i'm going south have a good winter." i worried about him for a while, as he seemed disinclined to move on and hunt his own food - calling for mom all day in the hot sun. he finally got hungry enough. and he is fat fat fat! a few weeks ago, i went through the whole "I'm Invisible" thing. i mean, honestly...get over it, linda. but there it was. and then an incredible email conjured itself to me at The Precise Perfect Time. there were other things afoot in nearby woods that are being conjured. of this, i am certain. so i will wait with patience unknown to me and let things develop as they must...not from my hand. new topic, yet related: the award for the most pathetic whine goes to ....me! talking with my mother. "I just want to live somewhere where thermal underwear is sexy." new topic: feeling full and abundant and wonderful as i stopped for gas tonight, i doe-dee-doed my way around the car and was gripping the fueler thing when the wind blew ever so slightly, and something caught my eye near the top of the pumper roof thing....a brown recluse spider with a huge web. just about the most venomous nasty spider in this area. and as the wind blew this web, i was sure just positive absolutely certain that this thing (i can't say the word) would come flying at me with gale force momentum and kill me right there. or i would have a heart attack and just die. and then i sort of felt like maybe one had crawled down my collar and i didn't want to die naked, ripping my clothes off, hit by a car or bitten by a spider in the parking lot of the HessMart in baldwinsville. no i did not. there may be a story left behind to tell, but no rest for me in the hereafter. so i slowly just walked away. and stood there. in the rain. my car connected to the HessMart by way of a gasoline umbilical cord. and i owed $50 to the HessMart. i'm a regular there, so i went inside and told the manager as calmly as possible "there's a problem at pump 5. a Big Problem. A BIG FAT NASTY POISONNOUS SPIDER IS BLOCKING MY WAY BACK INTO MY CAR!" i may have gotten louder than i wanted, but i needed to get home. to pee. so you see the tender and tenuous state of mind i was in...starting out all happy la-la-la, then within minutes ... terror gripped my heart. this is no regular spider. google it if you don't believe me, but i warn you, squint if a picture comes up. so the manager refuses to kill it because he can't kill a living thing. translated means he's afraid too. and to be honest, it may be i caught him at a bad time for this - sober. but he does offer to walk me to my car and make sure it doesn't attack me. he Promises that he will take defensive action if the you-know-what makes the first move. sweet Jesus i'm starting to itch again. i am dubious. but need to get home. quick. i will not go in a gas station restroom. ever. which is where the spi**r probably vacations. so a disappointing end to the drama - i screwed up my courage and opened my car door, slightly pushing the manager toward the THING by accident, and i heard "uh oh" just as i slammed the door. and drove like the dickens home...whipping my hair around and scratching wherever i could, just Certain that there may have been TWO of them. i turned the heater on the seat to bake the living crap out of it, should it have attempted to shimmy down my shirt the brown bastard. who started this?? with all the good things to talk about now i'm totally freaked out and you know at 3am when a whisker glances across my cheek, i will send that whisker catapulting across the room by innocent mistake. retribution will come for me by 5am, i am certain, when i awaken to a a vomit comet racing across my bed. ok enough. time for a little easy listening music and maybe light a candle or something. hope your day was more stable.

today

TODAY...be vulnerable...be aware...be creative...smile at a sunbeam warming your face or twinkling off a prism...let your senses speak to you...open your heart...extend your hand...be grateful...be patient...surprise someone...be gentle with your self...laugh yourself silly...you are wonderful and special in all the world - don't deprive us of the gift of You.

loved the extra hour of sleep this morning...was not happy that the hour followed me to work and continued till 5pm though! husband blew out his back totally yesterday...the whole crumpling into a heap and screaming nightmare of it. he is resting comfortably, having fortified himself with many long-named prescription drugs. the dog, feeling his pain, fortified herself with kitty box stuff. between "Bow Wow! Let me out," and "honnnnney can I have a glass of water?" i am (again) solid in my heart that i made the right choice in not having children. i, myself, have much to whine about today, but have used my superpowers to command it all to vaporize. and now i'm sitting in a quiet cozy livingroom with a handful of Halloween leftover Milk Duds, willing my dental work to stay put. yes, i know, i'm not supposed to have sugar. but i will dare Fate to come close enough for me to get a good whack at him. it will not be a fair fight. still getting over the absolute humiliation of running into my high school science teacher at the bookstore yesterday, and stammering my way through some godless remote village of conversation...not even conversation...more like oh just the nonsensical utterings that flew from my mouth as the shell of my body stood there, but the rest ran away as fast as it could shouting DAFT NUTTER! it may help you to understand my incredible lack of self preservation to know that Every high school girl had a mad crush on him...he is so far past handsome, there is no scale...he was nice, he drove a stingray corvette, and...and...he played in a band. now how much cooler could a guy get?? how may times could you sign up for remedial help without it looking obvious? how many times did we wish laura with the boobs and tight fuzzy sweaters would just Move Away? and now. here he was. i saw him, and before i could fast forward the inevitable scenario in my mind (me making a total ass out of myself) before that, the mouth opened up and said "Mr. so-and-so!" (but i used his real name). he said "Linda - i think you can call me by my first name now." 3 cells in my brain said RUN! the rest just sat in cryogenic hopelessness. i may have drooled, and not in a lascivious way. just in a duh sort of way. all those witty little pleasantries you store up...all those cocktail party conversational weiners you could casually offer up...no. i'm afraid not. so the endlessness of it went boldly on, as i as verbally tripped and mortified myself, trying to find a way out of the labyrinth...wishing with all my heart that i had been home schooled, and then would not have even met this poor man standing before me who was likely thinking "what the freak is she Talking About??" and to be fair, he wasn't helping much. i know, the entire confrontation lasted perhaps under 2 minutes, but will replay on an endless loop in my mind. at night. just as i drift off into na-na land. somewhere in my brain, someone will snap the overhead light on and hit the start button of the projector, and the Most Embarrassing Moments reel will engage sprockets and cogs, and it will be a long night, my friends. a long night. with an extra hour to boot.

there are many many reasons why people read blogs...to learn about new cultures and lifestyles, or learn new ways of doing things, for example. i suspect people read this blog for the invaluable life's instructions and warnings they find. you know, such as - do not ever think that you can color your hair at home and end up looking like the girl on the box. ever. first of all: she is 14. she has been professionally coiffed using products not found in the box in your hand. she has professional makeup on, has professional lighting not found in your average bathroom, and, again -she is 14. now i'll remind you that one of my sworn promises to myself on New Year's eve was to take better care of myself - inside and out. specifically to have my hair professionally colored and get a pedicure every few weeks. and never ever let my roots equal the amount of darker hair. and i did keep that promise, mostly, until a month or three ago. maybe 4. back when my hairdresser kept confusing me with my mother, and then my new hairdresser confused me with k.d.lang. So i am in search of another new hairdresser who will see me for the soulful woman that i am all on my own. but meanwhile, i had roots that were attracting moths at night, that's how bright they were. i had a box that the checkout girl at RiteAid assured me would look "like totally perfect" on me, but then went a little rogue on myself. feeling a little zippity do dah, i decided i could hi-lite my hair just as good as anyone else. yeah, okay. i did, in all fairness to the box, see the twitch in the checkout girl's eyebrow when i returned with two boxes - 1 color, one highlight. shoulda coulda wouldn'ta. but did. now, let me set the scene by telling you that the k.d. look has grown a bit into a nice canadian mullet. i am waiting for the sides to grow a bit more before i actually leave the house (kidding), but no really - before i ask yet another hairdresser to make an attempt. i am not a vain person. this whole time spent on hair thing is making me crazy. there are so many other things i want to be doing besides coloring and growing my hair. ok. so we are in my bathroom with the stuff all mixed, and the gloves on. the door is shut, having learned my lesson with the Incident of kitty vs. plaster, and i squirt the stuff on. not quite as drip-free as promised, but manageable. i'll spare the details and just say it wasn't horrible once it was all dried and ready for phase 2 - highlights. and while i was mixing the nasty blue stuff, i'm thinking "now why am i doing this,again?? i just made my hair darker to make it lighter?" but common sense was wasted. i was rockin that cap with all the dots on it, poking that crochet hook through and coming up empty more times then not. so i'd have to fish back through the little hole again. yes. making the hole bigger. duh, like i wouldn't know that and think to myself "hey - this hole is so big that the stinky blue stuff will smoosh inside and you'll have polka dots on your hair." i mean, any reasonable person would've caught that right away, right? aaaanyway. i push on. one side looks a little fuller than the other, but my arms are tired, i'm hungry, and tonight is Big Date Sushi night, so WTH. i smear the blue stuff on, and, hunh...it feels cold in places it shouldn't - like under the cap. but i suppose it's an illusion. can i stop here and say this: if you must absolutely must color and hilite your own hair in your own home because oh, maybe you spent the mortgage money on vet bills, or maybe you forgot your promise to your very own self, or because you can't find a decent hairdresser in this 1-horse town...if you must - then do it on a friday. that way you'll have half a hope of getting in to any any hairdresser who can possibly fix or even just hide what you have wrought upon your own self. no one else to blame. you did it to yourself. and the clairol hotline does not operate at full staff on saturday, if at all. another life lesson learned? no, i'm afraid this happens over and over in my bathroom. learn from me....the box lies....you will not look like her (unless you already do), it is not nice or easy, and although my roots may glow, i am frosted. pray for low lighting in the sushi place. ************************************************************* diva is progressing nicely, although has begun to wet the bed. she hasn't tried to wake me up at all, and i walk her just before bedtime. i hate to do the pampers on her, but there's nothing that will creep you out more than waking up from a dreamy sleep and your knee is in a puddle. even if it's yours, it's still not right. but when it's your dog's...that's a whole new level of yuk. ************************************************************** yes. i am still painting. i had to spend time making jewelry and worried that i'd lose my swerve with the collage thing, but it's still going strong. i have some Great news i'm hoping to share tomorrow or monday!! ************************************************************ more life lessons you probably already knew: when you're at work and listening to your iPod, do not even lip sync. don't. because your lips will become used to moving, and then OH a catchy song comes on, and you notice you're whispering along to the song, then maybe getting a little tiny vocalization in and then the singer let's an f-bomb fly, and your innocent vocalization becomes something quite much more. just don't do it. promise me. well - off to makeup & wardrobe, then sushi. don't forget to set your clocks back tonight!

found in a parking lot:

absolute proof that loveliness can sprout from the most cracked, parched, unexpected places

it may be the upcoming holidays that have made me feel the need for clarity and groundedness...if i don't hold fast to who i am, then it will be as much of a hot mess as it usually is. as in many relationships, our families don't blend well, which has left me in the center being pulled this way and that. last year, i stepped out of that and spent a fantastic thankgiving hosted by my brother...small, intimate, and wonderful. i was not responsible for anything - i was not the guardian of any one's good time, nor was i the kitchen police...all i had to do was show up. just me. there were a thousand moments large & small that came to try to steal this day of gentleness, but i rebuffed them after having made up my mind to go forward. i feel constantly torn between what i should do, and what i want to do. and yet, inside, i feel that i am authentic to myself (okay - cliche alert - it's early and i don't have much time). so therein lies the First Dilemma how can i be authentic if i am constantly disappointing myself with my choices? in the long run, yes, the easiest choice by far is to host here...i say easiest, but it's also the hardest. easiest in the afterward, but most difficult to go through, with people you'd rather not engage with on any given day coming into my home, dragging their chaos and drama with them, and not leaving until they're good and ready to. and this year's chaos & drama promises to be kicked up a few notches as most of the players have been at odds most of the year. i hadn't expected to go off on holiday dinners, but i think an inkling is popping through - i have acquiesced to my husband's wish to try to recreate Norman Rockwell for 10 years. and i pay for it. Easter sent me to the ER with chest pains a few years ago. so the question is: why am i willing to sabotage myself for another's comfort? why am i following in my mother's martyr-like footsteps, when it's the thing i most dislike? yet how can i feel strong and certain about most other areas of my life, my Self? this twinship of my spirit is something i need to meld. and i think therein lies the answer to the rest of my questions. i don't feel weak or needy or spiritually gapping...i feel strong and bold and certain. yet...

did you ever hit a spot where you were faced with your own truths? the little dustbunnies that rabble around your psyche...and you try to ignore them like overdue laundry or that thing you know you should do, like go through the closet of old clothes in sizes you can't even remember wearing... but you just hope they'll go away...those truths about yourself that you don't want to look at too closely, lest you have to decide - keep or throw out? did you ever get to that spot? and you know you have a choice - kick those dustmotes to the corner again, or clear them out once and for all...my truths - which may be partial lies i tell myself - or lies that were told to me and somehow took root - i think it's time to air them out...while i'm in a really good place of my spirit to do so...and feeling really honest with myself...when the mirror will reflect truth. one....two...three...