today i give myself permission ... to do nothing. unless i want to. it's been a long time since i had any "down" time. you know i'll end up doing everything i normally would! but there's something more relaxing & enjoyable about doing things when you don't have to. or that there's a list of things and you have to cram them in within a certain amount of time. tonight, Halloween, for the first time in 9 years, happy hunter husband will be home to greet the childrens. so...diva, kittone and i will be locked away in the studio for safe-keeping. so i have the day to play, knowing i;ll have studio time set aside tonight. i think i'll start my day/non-day now...a nice bath and a little toenail polish. have a great day!

i needed a little good news...more of my jewelry is selling at the gallery! i have a mandate - an absolute or-else-order - from the gallery owner to give her 12 pieces on monday. which should be tricky since i have to go to my Big Girl job for 1/2 day saturday to make up for wednesday. normally i'd blow it off, but yesterday (and how i missed all this i'll never know) they walked a girl out for absentee time that wasn't made up. followed by an all-staff email today about how we owe the company 40 hours a week. so my exit plan just got easier! although i'd hate to burn that bridge after all these years. but...unemployment can be a great motivator. the weirdest thing happened this morning as i trudged to the office door through gale force wind and whipping cold rain with my inside-out umbrella. i got raging furious mad mad mad...like Don't Make Me Take My earrings Off mad. at my 1st husband. who has been deceased since, well, let me think, anyway a Long Time. longer than 10 years. this hateful storm welled up inside me and a silent spewing of Mad went on of the How Dare You Leave Me in Debt of That Size type of mad. and it went on for a while (it's a long walk to the door, and i'm good at making a point) with the How Dare You's triumphing over rational thought, only to be joined by the YOU OWE ME's and an absolute Demand that wherever he may have ended up (bets off) he had better arrange for a lottery win or some type of major Donald Trump-sized windfall and quick. now, i'm not of an entitlement mindset, and i sure haven't had a problem making my own way. but with the wind and rain and umbrella all conspiring against my zen, and the fact that on the other side of the door, should i reach it, was a pile of paperwork and unreasonable demands on my good nature, i snapped. and it actually was the first time in many years that i had even thought of him, so to have this conversation with him was remarkable in so many ways...aside from the fact that it was also the longest conversation we had since we said I Do. (i say "conversation" but it was totally one sided). so by the time i reached the door and heaved my battered self inside, nearly knocking over Phyllis with the mailcart, i was ready for a rumble. i squish to my cube, and one teammate is not in yet, and the other's cube is empty, but recently occupied. it does not appear to be the start of a good day. i'll spare you the yadda yadda-ness of the whole complexity, but i am glad to be home in my baggy sweats with a puppy on one side and kujo kitty nearby looking for flies. s/he is the Fly Whisperer. goes bonkers over bugs. every summer day, we leave the slider open to the 2nd floor deck so s/he can sit outside - s/he's an indoor declawed cat (s/he came that way so don't get on me) and if we forgot to close up before dark...yes, a present for us. with an important announcement. i say "s/he" because kitty is actually a "he" but looks so delicate and has a girl's name, so i call him "her." the cutest thing - diva was laying on couch the other day (well, everyday, but this incident happened the other day and never before). and kitty was in her special spot on the back of the couch, and ever so slowly and gently reached her paw down and began to pet the dog. actually petting her. on the head. doggie opened her eyes, and kitten slowly pulled her paw back, lest she lose that along with the claws. it was touching, and reminded me of when Kita started licking Bear between the eyes a few days before Bear died. of course that sweet moment turned on me, and so you can understand why i would pay heaven and earth to get a good diagnosis and treatment for my last love. ramble ramble...yes, the husband went to his manly man hunting camp today to spend hours in a tree with his BFF. neither has the heart to actually shoot anything, and have only come home with great photos in the past few years. which i am good with. i pretend he's on a business trip. so speaking of husbands, it should be interesting if i'm as scary to the dead as i am to the living when i get my mad on...buy lotto tickets, just in case.

diva update

i am mad tired, so this will be a brief outline of the day...today the girls - mom, me and diva - traveled to the Cornell Vet College to their Companion Animal Hospital to have Diva checked out. This place is THE place for animals, with the vet college right there. i was hoping for a diagnosis. i was expecting a cold, clinical experience. i was right and i was wrong...from the moment we walked through the doors, it was a warm, caring, compassionate place, chock full of the best of the best in the veterinary field. more specialists per square exam room. diva felt like the princess she is, and only made 1 complaint (when they sampled a spot in her ear), and otherwise cooperated beautifully. we met with a 4th year student Dr., and then the head of the dermatology dept - a self-described old California hippie, and 46-er (it's an ADK thing). i loved them, i trusted them, and we left with a diagnosis. and a bill that was about $300 smaller than i had anticipated. my regular vet here had gotten her back up about us going there and spent 15 minutes on the phone cranking about it yesterday, but was shocked when i told her i already had an appointment...a miracle - it usually takes weeks to get in and i called yesterday morning and got in today. she said (after a long pause) "really? you must be important. it takes weeks to get an appointment." i responded that i am. diva has 3 different infections going on, and none of them would be helped by the nasty prednisone she had been put on. she was in the weaning off stage, and Dr. Scott at Cornell said that back in the day they never weaned animals off - just stopped the drug - and there were no ill effects. so she is off the prednisone, and has ear drops and we will be giving her plain old zinc to clear up some of the yuk. ok so this was not brief. there were dogs there with cancer and dogs with broken legs and cats and birds with owners with hopeful, worried faces. and we all had the look of people making a great sacrifice to bring our best friends there. i cannot recommend this place of hope and compassion and skill any higher than to say this: i trust them with my love's life. my inner momma bear said "good." and diva has slept and slept and drank and drank and peed and peed for hours since we came home. the drinking/pee-ing cycle should taper as the drug leaves her body. and momma bear should get some sleep. speaking of which......

from the Storypeople I remember we sat in the swing on the front porch & as the dusk came on us like a song, dark throated & sweet, he told me about the beginning when we had bones of light & hair that burned like the sun & I asked what happened then? & I felt him floating there in the soft dark & finally he said we forgot & I said I never would, but sometimes I do & I understand now why he put his arm around me & said nothing more.

here's my submission for the "RENT" show: photographed by the uber-talented Tamaralee ( www.tamaralee.biz )

another amazing day

Perfect Stepdaughter was home again this weekend. we took her to brunch today at my most favorite place evah. this is where i got married, and have stayed here many times...room #2 on the 2nd floor, with the 4-season porch that overlooks the lake...i could live there, i really could. speaking of living somewhere - on the way home, we passed a realtor's sign and stepdaughter (who was the chauffeur for the day) pulled a U-Turn..she had seen glimpses of this house when riding in competitions and wanted to see it up close. we pulled down the loooong driveway, passing a small house with a nice chimney, then a huge huge red barn, and finally - can you guess? a cobblestone house. well, actually the from was fieldstone. but...remember my DreamPrayer? a cobblestone cottage with a huge barn for a studio/workshop and a separate house on the grounds to rent out to pay the mortgage. that had been my fervent prayer for months till God finally said Enough I Get It. so now here i sit in a car with a GirlWoman who i am certain will some day save the world, who has become a Blossomed person with a warm, caring heart, but knows her mind and sets her goals and her boundaries. and there.is.my.dream. peek here. only $600K separates me from this dream. ***diva is home, and is drinking like a camel at the oasis after a long trip with a very heavy person riding her. it promises to be a night of little sleep. her lesions look the same, which i guess is good, in that they aren't worse. ***had some emotional moments tonight when i stumbled across a vimeo done by a Squam bud. the most incredible, deepest homesickness washed over me, and i admit to tears. and that strangling thing that happens in your throat when you're trying not to bawl. i got an email from a friend today who was describing her experience at Squam, and she said that she felt like she had been repatriated with her tribe. and that clicked so much with me. i work and live with people - co-workers, neighbors, family - that are nice enough, but don't speak the same HeartLanguage as i do...and i always thought it was me. but after meeting a forest full of like spirits, i realize this language we all speak, it has no sound...there are no vowels or consonants...there is no past tense or future tense - only the moment that lasts forever in a seed-safe in the heart...and although the language has no sound, it has a resonances, an OM that touches the fiber of the essence of each and connections are formed...and that's why it doesn't matter one whit what you look like or what you wear or where you're from or how much money or artistic experience you have or any any any thing ...because those things are not a part of this language...and this is what the essence of my spirit, and my heart of hearts longed for tonight...for a roaring fire and knitting and a glass of wine and a cabinful of the greatest people you can imagine ever meeting...rain on the roof would be a bonus...so i am wishing away the days again, but also deciding that there just must be other women here in this teeny tiny town who are homesick for their own version of a lakeside retreat, who wouldn't mind an evening by my fireplace, knitting and having a glass of wine and just maybe we'd all go search for yet more like-minded hearts ... and maybe just maybe $600K isn't such a big deal to God, and the KitaBear Respite house will open it's doors. things happen.

barefoot and on the street

my angelfriend Georgia introduced me to one of the most amazing women the other night as we ate sushi and celebrated G's birthday...a special night in and of itself. you've got to read about Lily Yeh...i promise you, you will be inspired beyond words. click the little link that takes you to her presentation, too. even if her project doesn't give you goosebumps (and check your pulse if it doesn't) listen to her speech as she talks about how her calling found her and spoke to her and urged her to do this...the passion cannot help but excite. **** thank you all for your concerns and emails regarding diva dog...she is a few days into her prednisone, and we are hopeful for something besides the every-two-hour-potty schedule. she is at camp grandma's for the night so i could get some sleep. she is very tired of being poked and prodded, and i am feeling guilty and bad for having the dental procedure done in the first place, since it seems like that's what triggered all this. this is why i don't have kids - i would never take them for their vaccinations because they hurt, and never make them go to school if they had the slightest good reason not to. i'd end up the subject of an In-Depth Investigation on some seedy TV show about bad mothers. or else i'd drop them off at grandma's and high-tail it to Mexico. or at least New Mexico. today we have brunch day with Perfect Stepdaughter so i have to hit the shower. have a great day, and get your Bundles started!

an exciting day is in store...i can tell! productive and exciting already...i'll work backwards...just got a call from a gallery that one of my necklaces sold and they want a bunch more...finished another collage...the gallery wants them...it's a beautiful crisp fall day - a bit drippy out, but glorious in color...and - here's where you can play: i sent out invites to a deconstruction project a la Seth Apter. want to play along? come on! what a blast! feel free to post pictures on your blog and let me know - i'll link ya. go here to see the original project, and get busy!

a quick hello and a request...artist Bernie Berlin is amazing - she runs a no-kill shelter/adoption for dogs & some cats called A Place To Bark. to say she is tireless is an absolute understatement. she drives her own vehicle far & wide to so-called shelters that have a short shelf-life for animals there. she brings them to her shelter, fixes them up and finds them forever homes. if you could go to this link and rate her video 5 stars, she could win a grand prize of much needed funds. there is nothing to register, no sign-in etc. thank you.

diva's condition continues to get worse...the shot of antibiotic has done nothing...the scabbing lesions around her eyes, nose, mouth and in her ear remain...the ear is getting worse, and now the other ear is affected also...the area where her stitches were was all healed up and smooth, but now has a crumbly yellowish green scabbing on it. and no diagnosis. a possibility of lupus. (i gasp). the vet wants to put her on prednisone to see what happens. i want quicker answers. i am calling the clinic at Cornell Vet college tomorrow. it may take a 2nd mortgage to be seen there, but she is my Love. send love to her...she's been so good, but is clearly not feeling well. that's all i have for today.

la la la la la birthday hint la la la

HELP WANTED

Help Wanted...Sugar Daddy. Position to begin immediately. Person with huge wads of disposable cash, or strong connections in the art industry to provide gessobord, Golden Gel Medium, endless magazines, vintage papers and photos and maps in exchange for my genuine thanks. will also consider just the disposable cash. no experience necessary - new money or old. some provisions for travel must be included. please apply immediately.

it is absolutely gulley-washer pouring out. i love it...the sound of the rain on the roof....delicious! perfect for watching out the windows across from my studio table. i'll describe the room, since my camera has given me no end of anxiety lately. the room is approximately 22x22. walk in, and straight ahead is a wall of windows. i should mention the studio is on the 2nd floor, so i see leaves of every color from the treetops, and crows and blue jays and cardinals and squirrels perching on branches looking in at me. mid-way into the room is a huge worktable myhusband built for me. it was built inside the room, as there would've been no way to get it in the room after it was done. it's about 10'x6' give or take. along the left wall is floor-to-ceiling stainless shelving on wheels - the kind of industrial shelving found in restaurant kitchens, and labs. (it pays to have a connection in the lab supply industry!) the wall angles a bit, and in a small nook before you get to the worktable, is where i do my jewelry work, soldering, and resin work. i have a 6' table with a large pull-down light over it. to the right is my desk, usually littered with books and articles ripped from magazines, etc. on that wall i have all the beautiful art i've collected from friends, and have been gifted. it's my wall of smiles, because i smile everytime i look at it. every time. but the point here is that when i walk into my studio, i can't help but see all the beauty outside...and even the snow looks pretty from up here. tonight, the wind blew leaves past the windows, and rain pelted the glass...music to create by. i've taken a few minutes to stretch, and my two fur-kids are curled up next to me on the couch - 1 on each side. this...this is heaven. *************************************************************************

it is becoming more and more apparent to me that i am not cut out for a 9-5 (or 8-5 in this case) job that requires me to get up at 5am and not return home - exhausted - until 6pm. i'm past the whole "full time artist" thing, which would take buckets more energy than i have at this point in my FMCFS life. it is the every-day-is-the-same, churning out paper, no mind-challenge, working to profit someone else-ness of it all. i am tired. my body hurts in ways i never thought possible. i have hours throughout the day where i have great spurts of energy and hope and grace and All Good Things. and in those moments, it makes me sad to think that i am spending that sparkle to advance someone else's dream / goal / profit. i need art, not just to use an an excuse to stay home...but as a meditative, body-calming, mind renewing fountain. i made a proposal to my boss about a work-from-home position, but since it has Never Been Done, and there are a thousand people standing in line, willing to work traditionally, it wasn't an option. yes, they value me. my experience with the company have great value to them. i am known all the way up the food chain to the CEO. however. i was put with my team to be a motivator, and i'm afraid that my dark moments have motivated them in that direction from time to time. there are daily, monthly, even hourly goals and deadlines to achieve, which normally gets me excited. but there is no mental challenge. and the payoff isn't worth the time invested from my body and my soul, to get all dramatic. when i'm at work, i long to be at my studio table. if i take a mental health day, i worry that i'll get fired. and money equals choice, or at least the ability to make choices. or at least a certain number of choices. and around the hamster wheel we go. today, i am not able to face the desk. having been so exhausted the past few days that i have fallen asleep in my chair throughout the day, today will be a day to catch up. and unless they install a seatbelt on my desk chair, i foresee an injury from falling! that's how asleep i'm talking about. a part of me is hurt that i haven't heard the words "i hate that you are suffering...stay home and take care of yourself...we'll manage." am i being unreasonable? i have nothing to compare it with. we are each disappointed in the other, so i guess as i have withdrawn, so has he. it is just the sameness of every day. the exact sameness. like the Bill Murray movie, Groundhog Day. and i feel there is so much within me that needs to find life on a canvas, or through rusty bits and parts...and pushing paper from one side of my desk to the other grinds on me...but no pearl has become evident. there's no answer this morning, and there are a zillion other things to work themselves out...all connected, all layered together. today, i rest.

dream day

yes it was a dream day...up at 3:30am...finished a painting...BeautifulSmartStepdaughter and I met up with LisaLisa and headed to see my art show on my Lake...lunch...incredible food...incredible conversation...a wonderful day...can i do it again tomorrow?? i needed a day like this after the veterinary chaos and concern of the week. diva is okay, but there were some very scary days. she has had these weird growths around her nose and mouth. i thought it may have been from the anesthesia given during her surgery mid-september. then THEN thursday night i found a huge & disgusting lump in her ear...all nasty and, well, huge. a frantic call to the ER vet assured me she would live the night. but i felt so bad for her, and i felt like a Very Bad Mom. i love and trust the ER vet more than any other human on earth. well, i love other people maybe more, but as far as diva is concerned...Dr. Holly is the One. and Diva loves her, as much as she can love a person who will, once again, poke and prod her beyond the limits of her patience. i hit the internet early friday morning, and was convinced CONVINCED it was *gasp* *small choking cry* mange. yes. my diva with a disease of homeless, wandering, feral dogs...my diva, the most spoiled 4-legged princess...with - i can't repeat the word. now, the very second i got home, i shucked off my Big Girl clothes and threw on dog-proof wear, threw diva into the car, and headed off to the doggie ER. now, you should know that the day after i got home from Squam, diva had surgery...dental and a fatty tumor removal. she has 2 huge and 1 small. they removed the small one (the size of a penny) but shaved, cut and stitched an area about 5 inches in diameter. frankendog. so knowing that, you could definitely understand when Dr. Holly walked in the exam room thinking she was possibly going to treat mange, and sees my diva (who she knows well) with a huge bald patch. HUGE. "Jesus!" she yells, and i look behind me thinking she's taken on a new partner, and i'm Very Lucky tonight. then i realize she saw the Big bald Patch and thought "this dumb bunny never noticed a problem till it got THIS far??" the long version, i know. it turns out that it is most likely an allergic reaction to the antibiotic given pre-and post-surgery. so the cure is, yes, another antibiotic. that was my 2nd choice of diagnosis. diva's been licking her widgey to beat the band, and dogs can get yeast infections too. i'll leave the story about the cat getting high on a discovered tub of catnip, and hiding under the afghan on the couch where i always sit. that is for another day. so the short version of my week: my job is stealing my soul, painting refills it, the dog is fine, my stepdaughter is perfect, lisa will likely rule the universe soon, i am tired. my feet are up, i am relaxing, and thinking about finishing at least one of my knitting projects. well, not actually finishing, but working on it.

yes yes - i will be going into work today. despite. that was my word for the year, i remember - "despite." this year i may choose "notgonnadoit," or "can'tmakeme." among a thousand reasons, valid and selfish, and just plain reasonable and understandable, i decide to choose the reason why i should. because my team needs me and they have been overwhelmingly supportive and helpful to me. now, here are a list of reasons why i should stay home: because i have a huge i mean H-U-G-E load of incredible papers i got yesterday for free. yes free. thanks to my angelfriend Georgia. she hooked me up with an annual giveaway that's done at a local letterpress company. they just Give Away their odd bits and pieces and stacks STACKS of onion skin (unopened reams!) and heavy, textured stock, and all manner of goodies, both plain vanilla, manilla, and patterned. they are beyond lovely. and i came home and started working with them and am in heaven. i have a painting/collage that's coming about much more slowly...it's on a 12x12 canvas, and the size is daunting. and it reacts way different than the gessobord. and for once, i am working through the perfectioist and actually putting down some color and glue and stuff. yes - i admit i had to have an entire conversation with myself about it...and kept the riff going till the hand grabbed the chalk and made some marks. and Totally Screwed It Up. my convo went like a continuous loop: "yeah, Linda, don't do anything yet, because you know if you screw this up, they aren't making any canvas anymore. no more. this is the last chance evah that you will ever have to use canvas, so be careful you dork." and i realized that it would not be the end of the world if i hated what i put down. a little bit of gesso or tissue paper would cover any hating. and in the extreme case of hatred, i could *gasp* just chuck it and actually buy a new one. yes! and what makes this whole scene even crazier is that the very canvas i'm using was a gift - free - from Susan of Port O Pines fame. so now excuses. so the chalk did not work. BUT those watercolor crayons i had to buy 2 years ago for an ill-fitting workshop? they work dandy! i want this piece to have something to say, as opposed to the fun ones i've been doing. my challenge is to not get lost in the details and drama of it all. i realized a few years ago that i was asking quite a lot from my chosen materials - to speak for me. and i eventually backed down a bit and just picked a few key points from the monologue. i've been happier with my work since then. and have actually been able to finish some pieces! this past month i've felt a shifting and changing within. more bona fide, if that makes sense. maybe it's because i'm making art again, after a few months dry spell. not sure, but i feel the wolf within, and have claimed her calm assertiveness. today is the anniversary of my dad's death. that was reason #1 for wanting to take the day off. to mark it in a thoughtful and meaningful way. my dad was a workaholic, so i suppose i will be marking the day much the same as he marked most occasions...by working. whether it was fear of failure or pride and wonder at what he accomplished - something drove him hard. i have that in me, and it's more of a curse than a blessing as i hit the 3rd half of my life. yes - i am older than he ever lived to be. a conversation i had recently with my brother. this year, my brother becomes older than my father ever lived to be. i think of how young i feel, and how unready i am for the aches and limitations my body hands out. i wonder most of all if my dad felt cheated.

just popping in for a second...i cannot describe to you the absolute joy i have painting! there have been so many ideas i wanted to express in artwork, but was restricted because i can't draw, or paint. well, i won half the battle. thank you, again, Sarah. you've given me such a gift.

recently i made soup. it was to be a glorious, wonderful thick substantial soup. and i was going to bring it to a friend's house for her to have on hand when her creative process got on a roll and a few plinks of the microwave would create instant dinner. and there would be no need to stop the mind-train. and the village went wild with dancing. except, the soup was terrible. Terr-ah-bull. yuk. patooey. i thought of that soup this morning, and it led me down a path of thinking about how 1 ingredient can make or break a soup, and how 1 person, just one, can make a difference (good or bad) in a group...how one person can galvanize and draw to them, or disperse and fragment a group. and once the galvanization and clumping begins, it spreads. and this can be very very good. or not. depending on the one person. and depending on the strength of the group. but either way, a little too much salt still affects the soup. even just a little. and not enough, well, it needs something more. there is a just right amount. and that's all i have to say on that topic, except to note that i have been blessed with some damn good soup in my lifetime. new topic: my for-real fortune in a fortune cookie today: There is no end. There is no beginning. There is only an infinite passion of life. fall is here. the leaves are coming down even before they change to Full Volume Glorious. the bumble bees under my deck have become frantic, and where the mosquitos took over in the summer, my docile bumbles have now become too erratic to trust. and they are huge...well over an inch long, with fat butts and bellies. i watch from inside the screen, and toss an apple out for them. i suspect husband will soon get rid of them, as they were less friendly to him than to me...rushing toward him and veering off at the last possible second, then dancing en garde, back and forth, protecting their home. i know how destructive they can be...2 years ago, we had to remove the back of our house to get at whatever was in there. the main support beam holding up the 2nd floor of the house was nearly gone - chewed through by carpenter ants and bees. so his lack of patience with the bees is understandable, seeing as they tried to eat our house, but i just hate to see anything in nature destroyed while it's in it's own natural habitat. i have been painting (still). and it's odd - i can't find the connector cord to hook up my ipod to the speakers, so while i'm using quotes from Rumi as creative prompts, i have the only CD i can find playing: Regina Spektor. which is normally okay, as i like her music, but the combination of great philosophy and "a little bag of cocaine" playing in my ear is just a dichotomy that's a little weird. after a few cups of coffee, and some great stuff on gessobord, some creative endorphin-rushed brain cells get going. they make up new words such as "a little bag of propane, a little bag of propane," then laugh themselves silly. it's all quite distracting. Diva is healing nicely, and since she can't see her post-stitched area, she isn't embarrassed at all. kitten has begun to collage, which fills me with pride and worry. i'm not sure yet what she "distressed" in the middle of the livingroom, but i'm sure it was important. like a note from the IRS. we may never know, because, pleased with herself, she ate the dog's food, then barfed on top of her work. this cat's propensity for vomiting is downright...intentional. i believe that with all my heart. some excitement is afoot, and i hope to share some good news very soon. cross your fingers for me and ask for pure, clear guidance, if you don't mind. i am enjoying the quiet of being the only 2-legged in the house today. up at 4am and belly to the worktable. i will share some pictures later today. but now - nap time, then more paint. be well, and be Just Right.