mystical animals and alchemy

One of the most influential teachers I've had is Wendy Ellerton. it is an understatement to say we were meant to meet. the number of stars that had to align in order for me to take her 2-day workshop would fill a galaxy. and my only regret is that i didn't spend the 3rd day with her. make an opportunity to learn with her. Wendy brings to life mythical creatures and beings from thin air...she crafts legends and stories of these beings, then creates the image using wire and leather and felt and wood and stones, and whatever else the piece asks her for. she is a calm, certain person, who is more than generous with her time, knowledge, and materials. i am smitten by both her creatures and by her. all this being said...following my workshop with her, i began a bold sculpture of a 6-foot tall CrowWoman. Crows being one of my totem animals, it was just right. the work began fast and furious, but a funny thing happened...my hands became inspired by that work and took side trips through some amazing opportunities and growth and work that i am quite pleased with. but CrowWoman stands as she did 2 1/2 years ago, watching over the studio with just her breastpiece and some feathers and half of a beak. fast forward. it has been a very very long time since i have created art...yes, i have made some jewelry that is definitely wearable art. but Art with a capital "A" has eluded me...the flow of my energy and attention span has been more on the "ebb" side for almost a year, and a date with my pillow has been more compelling than a date with my dremel tool and paints. till last weekend. i took a drive looking for an open house. it rained last sunday like the sky was getting paid by the bucket. pull-over-don't-drive kind of rain. but i drove for 2 hours looking for a street i never found. that i have since found, and it was right under my nose. meanwhile, i made a stop at a shop near this street, and my favorite WiseWoman was working. our conversation ignited me. i tossed the open house idea, came home and began working on CrowWoman II ... a much much smaller version. an 8" version. and i cannot tell you the joy that has returned...the tuned-in, locked-and-loaded, ready for artMuse, endorphin flooding zone this CrowWoman has inspired. for whatever reason, my attention span has shortened - in work, in art, in general. it has become difficult for me to concentrate on one thing for very long, and that was where my frustration was blocking the ArtFlow. and i have learned now that i must think smaller, quicker, if i want to finish a piece. this may change. it may not. but it is what it is, and i am so very grateful for this insight and for the art that does flow. now, back to Wendy. this morning i decided that, despite being backlogged at work, i would not let my spreadsheets steal any more of my time this week. i stayed home, woke up as usual at dark o'clock, and spent those wee dark hours relaxing, thinking, ruminating....letting the art come forth. and it has. in no small part due to Wendy's instruction, and her "way." when i get stuck in the middle of a sculpture, i picture her standing back, tilting her head and saying "well i think this one is wanting to be..." so my points are this: 1) you never know how far your words will travel, and how much influence they will have...choose them carefully, for good or bad. 2) never ever give up on your art 3) listen to your body...it knows what it needs, and swimming against that current Will Not Work. 4)if you teach...give it all...don't hold anything back...your teachings will grow and birth new things which will repeat the process over and over in those that you teach, and again as they pass it on. if it is your Purpose, then do it righteously and authentically and without fear of "competition." 5) your life will be immeasurably enriched by taking a workshop with Wendy Ellerton...whether you plan to work 3-dimensionally afterward or not. 6) if there was anything else in this post that sounded Ah-Ha to you, then I meant it to be there. *smile*

so Mercury is in retrograde through september 12th. that's according to a calendar someone gave me that sits inside my cube at work. all sorts of occasions marked...holidays for religions i've never heard of, and the like. and i send out an email blast to all my peeps at work reminding them of whatever holiday is posted. and there is one every day of the year, believe me. so i guess that means that every day is sacred and special. somewhere. to someone. and so it should be to us. so here's the skinny on the retrograde, according to one source: The Mercury retrogrades that occur in 2010 provide the opportunities for us to make adjustments in the practical aspects of our life from the information brought to us through the Mercury retrograde in earthy signs; Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo (occurring in that order). Decisions about our goals and aspirations will be the focus during the December 2010 retrograde, assisting the transitions of career through the changing goals that will be evolving at that time.. Because we are making decisions to bring forward the visionary awareness into our new journey, new endeavors, new goals, the events during the Mercury retrograde time frames help us to veer away from the past and take bold steps into our new future. These adjustments will be very necessary as they allow us to make major changes, emphasizing our bold and innovative choices i'm not a huge horoscope person, unless i like what i read. i don't plan my life around it, unless it seems like, well, just maybe...i'm not superstitious, mostly. but i still won't walk under a ladder for practical reasons. that paint WILL fall on my head. just a little dithering before diva's walk.

anniversary

has it really been almost 4 years of posting? ah, it must be. for today is the anniversary of my sweet ManDog's passing, which was the event that started it all...this blog...the feeling too full of things that needed to get out, and nowhere to put them. so i started writing them here. never dreaming that i'd still be here 4 years later. sharing my thoughts and dreams and tender sweet moments and fury and all that has been good and all that has been rotten. and never dreaming that so many connections would be made. that was the gift sweet Kita left. yes, i still miss him as if it were just moments ago that i kissed his nose and told him i loved him to the moon and back. i wonder if diva still thinks of him...do dogs do that? i remember she mourned for some time...being uncharacteristically quiet, and subdued. not even caring if she bit the kids or went for a walk. he was a special spirit. he visits my dreams often, and although i know we'll all be together again some day, the waiting is a lonely time. i'll take this evening for quiet, and remembering, and allowing a little sad in, but also allowing the happy in, remembering time's shared and time marked. diva's getting older and slower and blurrier, and i fear soon she will leave me too. i ask her "not too soon...not yet." and her kiss is a promise. where Kita taught me about unconditional love, diva teaches me patience. i honor them both.

have you ever felt small? i mean really really small? well, next time, go here and you'll have something to write with.....i get jumpy just thinking about sitting that long

miss a day? bonus day? who knows, but i just KNEW today was thursday. but it's friday. which is usually good. but i have sooo much backlog work to do that i needed an extra day, not 1 less. i am going to tell you 3 words that could save your life: save save save. as in, when you are working in 5th gear on a never-ending spreadsheet that must absolutely must be completed very very soon, you must save your work constantly. so that when you pat yourself on the back for an extra hard day's work, you won't threaten your own life the next day, when *gasp* it's. all. gone. just gone. pppfffttt. now, i KNOW i was hitting save yesterday, because i was paranoid about losing my work, having worked so hard. and i distinctly and positively KNOW i thought i was acting like a crack monkey in a lab, clicking that save button that looks like a floppy disk that no one younger than me even knows what it is. which makes me feel old and decrepit. and my favorite IT guy is gone till monday so i have the weekend to sweat out if he can find my notes in cyberspace where it's formed it's own nebula, no doubt. i believe there is a place where the onesy socks and spreadsheet data go and form planets of fuzzy data. they orbit the earth and every so often you can catch a glimpse of the missing argyle or logarithmic thing-a-majig or whatnot. quite possible the Fuzzy Planet also has a ring encircling IT made up of Things The Cat Hides. the universe is a mysterious place, and sometimes if you concentrate on it for a while, it will shoot out a little star to you in the form of a Minor Miracle or Special Moment or a Feeling you thought was long gone. and soon, everything is right with the world,and the universe, and you are back to stargazing and spreading twinkledust and moonbeams...and seeing your own Self in the reflection of it all. okay new topic. i checked out statcounter, and was amazed by how many of you are sneaking in here from all over the world. i say this not to brag - not at all- it's just that i am not a facinating person, and it would be great if you introduced yourselves and maybe we could all talk. so...welcome to my home in the ether. please, grab a beverage, a cup of tea, and say hello.

shouldn't i have?

there's a Mary Chapin Carpenter song called "Passionate Kisses" where she sings about all the things she feels she deserves...little things...pens that don't run out of ink, and cool quiet, and time to think...ok, some little and some big...and it got me thinking about how women in particular, don't claim the things that they feel are important to them..."oh no, you take the last piece of pie," attitude that our mothers had. we deny ourselves for our "_____" fill in the blank...husband, kids, job, etc. And we don't do / buy / experience the things that will make us whole...make us, Us. i go to an art workshop every year in the cool, piney forest of NH. the first year i went, i felt like i had to DEMAND that it was okay to take this time and money for myself. i felt guilty. it wasn't really really expensive - stepson spent more than this in clothes in 1 shopping trip, and never wondered how the mortgage would get paid. so why did i feel like i should put MY dream on hold, or deny it completely? who knows what your dream is, or what your "want" is? in a perfect world, everyone would live their best life. and be encouraged by their Closest Ones to do so. but often it becomes habit to let one person (you) wait. and wait. i am approaching a point in my life where waiting is not an option...i am getting to the age where it will soon be too late for my body to take my spirit to the places i want to go to feed my creativity and just experience the wonder. i have put my dreams on hold while others have lived fully and without regard. it is my turn. i will stand up and walk my walk. and it isn't a chip-on-the-shoulder thing. it is just the right thing. i expect there may be some pushback and surprise at first, as others will have to do without or wait. but they have the rest of their lives to chase their dreams and save their money to do the things they want. why do we (maybe just me) feel that because i am not the main wage earner, that i have no right to spend money on myself? or live the life i've imagined? i am too close to the generation that raised it's women to be martyrs, as well as mothers. and it has taken me quite a number of years to realize what pattern i have created. now it's time to retrain. soon all this will be a moot point, but my mantra will be "I Deserve." not in a selfish way...more in a self-care way. and we do deserve. we are people, as well as mothers, daughters, aunts, etc. Place your mask firmly on your face BEFORE assisting others. good information while flying. now go fly.

hmmmm...

from a "for sale" ad: Three bedrooms, two baths and laundry all on one floor. Newer plumbing, a water treatment system, invisible dog

as i spent time in meditation this morning, one phrase kept circling my mind like those fish over there to the right of this post. (put your mouse in there and move it around). the phrase: You are in a time of Grace. and i feel it. i haven't posted in a while because it was, and remains, utterly impossible to form words around what i am experiencing right now. a return to gentleness and peacefulness and loveliness and great inner strength. a surefootedness, like the Capricorn goat i am. when moments of fear threaten to unravel me, a feeling of peace and strength fill me...rinse and repeat. people - helpers - have been put on the path beside me at just the right time...i met with a realtor last night and instantly connected with her, and her office dog Sierra. she offered good advise and business cards of 2 other women whose help and services i will need soon. and she said: "gather your team around you. you are not walking alone...you should not walk this alone. gather your team and together you will go through." goosebumps. then she asked if i would feel comfortable with her on my team. now, i realize that it's her JOB to sign people up for her services, but no matter...her words struck a chord...and i didn't feel like i had to have my machete out and start whacking down the jungle in front of me...i felt as though there would be others by my side to help. Team Linda. there's so much more to tell, but diva just got home from camp grandma and we need some love time. hey - click on the red button above the fish...you'll love it!

what can i say?

there is a place for everyone's art in the world....even, well, bad art....

i am so incredibly blessed. when i count my blessings, i need an abacus and a calculator and more than ten fingers and ten toes. just exactly when i need wise words, i am suddenly surrounded by women with just the right thing to say...just the piece to the puzzle to stand me up and dust me off and nudge me on the path again. and the craziest part is, it'll be some random little moment in a random phone call, when this seemingly tiny kernel of something zips innocently through the conversation like winnie the pooh dangling from a kite string in a high breeze...just like that a seemingly ordinary word or phrase is suddenly wham large and smiling like a cheshire cat because this word or series of words knows...it just knows...that it is bombastically important and that soon my brain will screech the brakes on and go...HUNH?!? and realize that Big Work was just done deep deep in my soul and spirit yes that one word or series of words did just that...and soon it all made sense again and the clouds shushhed away and way was again clear and the villagers all danced...oh wait - too much? but truly i am humbled that God who is very busy or the universe or whomever you believe is directing things ...that they would take notice of ME and send the most incredible women to be my guides, even as i feel direction from the women in my life who have gone on ahead and watch for me to make them proud in ways i suspect will amaze even myself. the password is courage.

torpor noun 1. a state of motor and mental inactivity with a partial suspension of sensibility; he fell into a deep torpor; 2. inactivity resulting from torpidity and lack of vigor or energy synonyms torpidity, listlessness, torpidity, torpidness Moderation noun 1. quality of being moderate and avoiding extremes 2. a change for the better 3. the trait of avoiding excesses 4. the action of lessening in severity or intensity; the object being control or moderation of emotional thinking synonyms moderateness, easing, relief, temperance, intemperance fearlessness noun 1. feeling no fear 2. the trait of feeling no fear synonyms bravery Freeheartedness verb 1. freely opening your heart and letting the universal love infuse you in order to let that love flow out to others. 2. living without reservation, doubt, regret.

a most remarkable day...yes, it's true - i went into work for a few hours. despite the respiratory backlash, i was uber productive. my angelfriend keeps me updated on estate sales her stepmother is holding and today's trip was a goldmine of stuff-n-junk for assemblage! she is kind enough to not ask out loud What The Hell Do You Want With THAT?? Beautiful Smart Stepdaughter came over with her other family's new puppy, and after a nice walk through the woods (diva ignoring the pup and nervously praying that this one wasn't staying) we sat outside on the deck talking. it was all i could do to keep from tearing up...she has grown into such an incredible young woman. she has a very promising life ahead of her, filled with passion for life itself and firm knowledge and confidence in who she is becoming. i adore her. and AND just as she was thinking about heading out, a package arrived. right then. and i opened it to find The Journal, Volume One from Squam. and then a squeeze of homesickness grabbed my heart, and i will admit to a few tears sliding down my cheek...just an instant, yearning for the place and the people that Know me...where i can fully be Me. stepper and i had just been talking about how she gets lonely in the summer for her friends at school, and how the friends she has here from high school just don't seem to connect with her any more. we talked about deep girl stuff for a few hours...just the 4 girls on the deck...2-leggeds and 4-leggeds. then with incredible timing - The Journal. she looked through it, and looked at me (a bit differently) and said she really would like to go next year...that it seemed like an experience she'd like to have. she said it just like that. after she left with puppy-who-will-soon-be-huge, a quick check of email...a women's african drumming class, no kidding, at a perfect time for me...so it was just a week ago that i threw that wish to the stars, and here it is...on a twinkling beam of light. and just in case i missed the point, i noticed my angelfriend was on the board of directors! i will burst. so i'm brewing some tea, and have my cozy balcony set up for an afternoon of reading. today, i am filled with such gratitude for all i have...i am filled with gratitude for you.

ok - taking some time to breathe (figuratively!)and think. this has been one roller coaster ride of a summer. it has been hard to find moments to bask in a twinkle of a wabi sabi moment...a tight schedule in the morning leaves no time for belly rubs and other puppy essentials, and i leave the house already on a hamster wheel. work has succeeded in sucking my time...today being the first day in weeks and weeks that i left for home on time, rather than the extra 2 hours a night. this, combined with the black mold dust raining down on us all day, has me worn and weary. my coughing fits at night shake Diva up, and she circles me protectively on the bed, usually deciding that she will sit on my head to be certain the goblins don't get me. and i suddenly realized that my body was trying to tell me what i wouldn't let my mind think...and so many sand-lines that were crossed in the past years have become an unacceptable choice...and i realized that i have become an unacceptable spirit to myself, letting bitterness and "victimness" cozy in where the lightness and sweet laughter used to have a home in me...i still feel them there, but the shadows have blocked them from outward view. it's true...i'm tired. tired of struggling and hoping and having my heart hurt and my spirit-gifts rebuffed and all that goes into a very bad relationship. i have become a person i don't enjoy being. and it is a drain. and it can only change by change...my surroundings must change. it is not possible to move forward by standing in cement. yes. these words have been spoken so many times before. yes, you'll find them archived in these posts. yes, i've stood on the end of this diving board many times, looking down at the deep water, testing the bounce a bit, then turning and going back down the steps to the ground. but suddenly, i realized that the water may be deep, but that it was also refreshing, and deep wasn't scary...just vast and full of possibility. and i have begun my approach to the end of the board...head high, eyes focused, toes pointed as i bounce high, arms stretched straight above me. giddy.

starting to come out of the dust a bit...and enjoying my new bike a little at a time. went out touring last night, down the road, through the woods trail and down a dirt road where the coyotes howl. it was still daylight, but humid...the cicadas were deafening, and were making sport of leaping at me...for sure - i kept my mouth shut! so much is rumbling around and being tumbled smooth and sparkly right now. as you can see - the computer was playing possum...not dead. will bring some details to you over the weekend. right now, i'm spending uber amounts of time at work, as i learn the flow of things, and catch up with the mountains of stuff sitting there. here's one to capture you: Her umbrella was filled with rain she had collected in her travels & on hot summer days she would open it up for the neighborhood kids & we would splash in the puddles & then it would smell like Nairobi or Tasmania & later on we would sit on the porch & eat ice cream & watch for tigers in the bushes. again from StoryPeople.

i'm stumbling back somewhat. all month, there's been a hawk in a tree by my daily picnic spot...screeching and carrying on....i wasn't sure if it was a distress call or a territorial thing, and a few weeks ago, it would be joined by another hawk. but the last two have been lonesome for the hawk...up in the same tree, calling ...4 Reeee Reeee Reeeeeee Reeeeeeee's with the accent on the last one. I got some guidance the other day from Mother Nature herself...the very best friend a wounded wild animal can have (and a pretty darn good human friend too!), Jean the wildlife rehabber. she said "no worries" ... after the young ones fledge (get booted from the nest) they often stick around waiting for a free meal. it sometimes takes weeks for them to realize they are on their own. actually, mom is nearby keeping an eye out, just in case, but they have all the knowledge and equipment to fend for themselves. they just prefer delivery service. i named him Hawklette and send encouraging vibes to get out there and get a mousey. tomorrow i will remember my camera & binoculars. isn't it funny how animal babes and human babes have so much in common? hmmmm. short & sweet tonight...still coughing to beat the band. hopefully maintenance shows up tomorrow to clean the vents at work that are spewing the fine dust particles into everyone's lungs. and the fuzzy yukky lump of god-knows-what that landed on a desk today. i feel like i've been sanding without a mask. more Big News soon....

ugh ack yark...i am still sick. i have, for all intents and purposes, lost my voice. for over a week. no - two weeks. and whenever i do try to talk, i am consumed by bouts of nasty coughing. yes, it is my body saying what my mind refused to think. yes, it is also the nasty vent over my desk at work that spews dust and debris all day. yes, it is a lesson in learning to say less, and make my words count. as you know, i can verbally vomit for hours...having worked in radio for so long taught me, the shy one in school, how to yabber yabber for hours at a time about things and nothings. give me a topic at random, and i can expound upon it til you wish you'd never brought it up. if you've ever listened to, or watched sports, you know there's usually 2 announcers minimum. what you may not realize is that they have 2 completely different jobs. one is the play-by-play guy who describes the action on the field...just the facts, ma'am...Brindamour takes it past the blue line, shoots SCORES! the other guy is the color commentary person. he or she fills in the interesting tidbits and stats. listen for it. i have been reduced to play-by-play. and for a person with such flair for drama and storytelling, this is not acceptable. it is an outrage. and also some pretty savvy thinking on God's part. right in the middle of a huge life decision BAM i'm rendered speechless. no endless conversations wondering am i doing the right thing, blah blah blah. just time to think things through. time to settle into myself a bit and just be quiet. literally. though inside...the creative blender is set on high. i need to find my new space and just be done with this. that is the hardest part. it's like being in Dr. DiCosimo's waiting room with 6 other scared kids, listening to some poor 5 year old screaming in the exam room. the anticipation brings the beads of sweat up. and all the 2nd and 3rd thoughts. to be able to just put 1 foot in front of the other and keep on - that would be most excellent. but i have been given close-up hindsight on this one...rather than waiting years to see how some incredible and seemingly unrelated events all lined up like Jupiter's moons, i can clearly see things in motion now, and things that transpired and aligned within the past month. and i am humbly grateful. i just wish i could verbally express myself. i even tried a neti pot today, which is like medically waterboarding yourself. i must be doing something wrong, and will watch the youtube videos again, despite feeling a bit queasy after. i had such a relaxing weekend, going to the Arts & Crafts festival yesterday and seeing my angelfriend. yes i bought. a lot. sort of. and today i created the coziest of nooks on my balcony, shaded by a massive maple tree. i sat out there and read for some time, dozed a bit, read some more. i am anxious to begin my next phase of life, and wish my house would come to me. i will need all your good thoughts, prayers, vibes, and whatever goodness you can send. it will be a miracle, i can tell you that much. so. i have always known that i was raised a bit shaky. my mom thinks a bit differently than some. and for the past 2 weeks so has been price-shopping for her funeral. she is not sick. just planning ahead. and i know there is no way around the topic, and she has been so excited to find out that one place is much less expensive, and has a better selection of caskets ("more choices that are feminine"). we have conversations that, to the outsider, (oh hell - even to me) would seem bizarrre. but i love my mother, and go along with it. she has it all written down and has given me copies, since i am the executrix of her will, should she outlive my stepfather. (executrix sounds so bad and dirty). now she can, well, rest in peace, knowing that she has the details taken care of. now she wants me to go shop for my funeral arrangements "because you never know, and besides, I've already pre-shopped for you." i am glad i have lost my voice at times. so i assured her i would on our next mother/daughter day. my arrangements are pretty simple: donate any organs that aren't too run down and decrepid. cremate the rest. sprinkle the ashes in a secret location. my angelfriend Georgia will be in charge of all my art and art supplies, and I have earmarked endowments for some organizations close to my heart. i am worth much more dead than alive. and the thing of it is, throughout all these conversations with mom, it's just these matter-of-fact things, as if she found a new dress on sale at Macy's, rather than a pretty blue casket that is very feminine. it just cracks me up and makes me glad to be who i am. my brother has promised to begin work on a play with me. we have these characters that we do - Sylvia Plotnick & Trudi. (Trudi doesn't have a last name). and i've dreamed of doing a show with just Sylvia & Trudi. for a long time. and my brother is an actor, producer, director, extraordinaire. and he owes me, i tell you, for not killing him when we were younger. though we both made a good try for mutual annihilation...each wanting to be an only child. ha! the joke was on us, bro, eh? but anyway, it would be a great show, if we could get it done. and most of it could pretty much be improv, because we know Sylvia & Trudi intimately after all these years. and they are based on real people that we knew somewhat well. so i think if he is reading this, he damn well better make some time in his busy schedule to do this or i will replace him with an understudy. i mean, time's ticking, and according to mom No One Knows The Hour That The Lord Will Come For Them. for shame. i'm off to read a new book, "States" by Jennifer Pashley who I re-met yesterday at the Arts & Crafts festival. And thank you, amazing John Chang, for not only remembering me from NYC, but bringing the very print I talked to you about AND framed it for me. you have touched me.