ya know that commercial on TV where the kids can't sleep because they're too excited to go to Disney? that was me all week. and the closer it got to today, the more antsy i got. yesterday, i was ready to explode...needing to take a few breaks to just jump. why? this morning i took the most fantastic workshop...i knew it would be, and i wasn't let down. in fact, had i known how good it was going to be, and how comprehensive, i probably would have driven to the instructor's house on wednesday and kidnapped her, making her show me show me show me everything early. yes - i arrived early. yes - the class ran blissfully late late (3:30 rather than 1pm). i am energized and want to hole up and create...sterling...copper...torches - YES! i used the torch without incident (but i noticed everyone sort of gave me room). last summer i took a fabulous class by Nina Bagley, and learned an incredible amount, but was too antsy to sit tight and actually produce anything. today filled in the gaps. i am freaking out, people! so, now i'm going to sit quietly in front of the fire (fireplace - not torch), have a glass of wine, and sketch some ideas before they go pfftt. i forgot to mention that starting next week, yes, you will hear me on the radio again. enjoy your evenings! L

did i ever think i'd make it to friday? No.

This morning I got some startling news...in my inbox...an invitation to my high school reunion. I cannot possibly be that old. i'm not saying which year, but it is double-digit. oy how time flies. of course this, combined with my Lump Event, has set off a deepening time of introspection-with-action phase of my life. i feel like there is simply not enough time to get everything done that i need / want to accomplish creatively. the laundry - can wait. the housecleaning - can wait (and it has for many many months!). it's time to take some time for myself ... quietly...in an environment that stimulates artistically but not overwhelmingly...the scent of pine, or a rolling ocean...a weekend trashing with a like-minded friend...no watches or clocks allowed. which brings me to an interesting thought. a few years ago, i worked at a job that was so hateful that 20% of the staff was on stress disability leave. it was very difficult to ratchet down my fight-or-flight adrenaline pump on fridays, so i could enjoy the weekend and recharge. i began a tradition...every friday, as i got home, i'd remove my watch. it would sit in the bathroom until monday morning. it was a symbolic gesture that told my brain to s-t-o-p the hamster wheel, shift gears, and relax. it worked so good, that i haven't worn a watch in many years. i just left it off one day. i'm am excellent at managing my time - all those years in radio ticking off my workday in seconds and minutes. it's just that i need more to manage! and please, make them non-workweek minutes! speaking of which - it's shower time, followed by re-feed the cat time, then dog-to-the-park time because heaven forbid she poo in her own fenced backyard. now THIS is why i don't have kids. L.

i am writing a book.

make tea. sit quiet. go here. listen gently.

recently, i watched this short video...i borrowed the link from someone's blog, and i apologize i cannot remember where. (i like to give credit where it's due, but my fawlty tower has foiled me). i sent it along to some friends, because it moved me. yes, it's sad on the surface, but it got me thinking about stuff. and you have to admit, this entire past week (for me) has screaming at me to STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN. just like in kindergarten when we learned to cross the street. and some of the week has felt more like STOP DROP & ROLL, i must admit. so the video part is obvious, but it's the subtler life chirps that i often miss as i scurry about my life cleaning up cat vomit and getting yelled at on the job, and trying to make cabbage rolls. but this week was a megaphone of metaphor....from the lump-of-certain-death, to the car "dying" and many other life analogies that bitch-slapped me throughout the course of monday through friday. (is there a cosmic Windows Task reminder somewhere that says "Monday - mess with Linda. repeat 4x?). and it isn't that i think i'm about to face imminent death (or i would have bought the Porsche)...it's just like a call to make choices based on the Regret Factor. there's a fine line between selfishness and self-caring. and i need to learn to walk the line a bit better...not that i'm a selfish person, in my humble opinion - more like, when i stopped/looked/listened, i saw my regret could be summed up as such: i regret that i lived too much for other people. and that's not a good choice if it's constant and at an expense - your own. i seem to naturally put (some) others first, but that sometimes doesn't leave leave time or resources for #2 in line. sort of like "affix your mask first, before assisting others." - hey! an analogy within an analogy! personal best! but last night began a feeling of renewal...i finished clearing/cleaning my studio - something that had loomed as a daunting and unfinishable task...i cleared away my Pile of Accumulated Stuff at the end of the diningroom table - another mess-o-rama (if it's piled neatly, then it's not so ugly - till the cat knocks the tower over). dare i say that i have certain dreams of minor travel that may actually become do-able? and some other stuff, but i'm out of coffee and jonesing, so i'll cut it short. it just feels like a better phase ahead..more manageable...the Tricksters have moved on and made someone else their emotional pinata. little bastards that they are. diva is snoring soundly on one of her many woobies, so i'm going to sneak over and make some jewelry before she wakes up and needs to go out. again. and maybe my husband will wake up and see the cat's handiwork and clean it up. not likely, but one can dream. xoxLinda

“What were you exceptionally good at as a child, that you loved doing and that made you happier than anything?” When you find the answer to that question, you will know what to do with your life. The words and thoughts of Dr. Stephen Covey. We are all born with a unique set of talents, desires & abilities that are our imprint and gift to the world. Go back to your childhood and find the simple things that sang to you... that made you feel alive…we really are all BORN with our work…that it’s born into us, we just have to find it and never forget it once we have. i found these words on Melody Ross' blog, and boy, do they make sense.

the bucket list

so in a recent post, i mentioned my bucket list...most everyone has one, since the movie came out. and although i don't want mine to become a List of Regrets, i realize there are some things that i perhaps would need to rethink before actually ticking it off the list...like the trapeze thing. my physical list should come as no surprise to those who know me...it's organized into sublists. far from the scrawled paper in the movie. and i think this reflects the fact that i take it out and play with it often...kinda like cleaning the studio when there's no inspiration flowing. yes, ok, and the OCD thing: list it, control it. some of my items are not so much about Doing, as Having. there are material things in this world i would love to own, shallow me. things that create an inner experience...a beautiful piece of art, a musical or theater experience, etc. one thing i would love to own before i die is a collection of this. one of each please! and to see Cirque du Soleil, and Kitaro. i would like to astrally project to Paris, and be sitting somewhere very French with a good cup of tea, and of course a beret. i know that sounds double-shallow, but it's my list. i would like to gather all my GirlFamily together and spend some endless hours at a beach house crammed with art supplies & good food & good juju, where we'd plan a giant RAK assault on our respective cities, and see where the dominos fall. There's more, but for now, that's it. Have a fantastic day, y'all! as spring peeks out a bit for most areas, breathe it in...xoxL

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. -lao tzu

If you've ever read The Four Agreements, and wished for an evening with don Miguel Ruiz...here it is: Triune~Sheila Applegate, Meagan O'Nan & Ken Stone Featuring Internationally renowned authors don Miguel Ruiz and don Jose Ruiz Grammy award winning Joanne Shenandoah April 16, 2010 7:00-10:00 pm The Palace Theatre, Syracuse, NY A down-to-earth evening of soul connection, meditation and music to help you uncover the truth of who you really are and to make dreams a reality. Also, April 17: Intensive Workshop with Triune and don Jose Ruiz April 17 The Spring Fayetteville NY 10am - 3pm Space is limited www.sheilaapplegate.com

today i found a lump. the size of a grape. in my armpit. the next 7 hours became a blur. the swirl in my head and the pound of my heart made it difficult to concentrate or form any cohesive thought except ticking off the items left on my bucket list. for real. because that's how i am built, try as i do to change it. one part of my brain goes into Crisis Management mode, listing the things that need to take place, prioritizing and managing. the other part of my brain gets all mushy and paralyzed. so it's a brain management thing - which side will win out. depending on the circumstance, they sometimes get equal time, making for a well-organized zombie. today, it was every man for herself, as i ran naked & dripping from the shower to google. as background: i am older than my father ever got to be. a mystery rash followed by a lump in his armpit was finally diagnosed as the lymphoma that took him. i don't dwell on things, but you have to admit, i have some real cause here. at least at 5am. dripping wet & naked. sitting on a doghaired couch. waiting for an update to update before giving me access to the world wide web of information that i needed in order to get dressed and get on with the day. and a cursory check of a medical site (damn them) with one eye open, found cause for one part of my brain to begin wringing it's hands and planning a trip to San Diego for a Michael DeMeng workshop that i can't afford. unless i am dying. then all bets are off. God bless my Dr for hearing the panic in my shrill voice when i said i needed an appointment TOday, and booking me, even when i couldn't tell them why...I'll tell you when i get there. that's all i could think to say. because i began to swim in denial, or maybe just started realizing that 2+2 does not always =4. she walked in and the waterfall started. a minute later, i'm naked again, and she's doing a breast exam including the armpit (NOTE: DO Your Self Exam and include your armpit. PLEASE). she asked me what i feared it was and i spouted it all...the history of cancer in my family, the symptoms i read (and have)...i told her about the trip i needed to take and other things on my bucket list, and how i have such incredible women friends and felt that their spirits alone could heal and i was afraid i would die before i got to make some art i needed to make but couldn't quite figure out yet. and she let me talk...as if once the door was cracked, the monsters kicked it wide and all my fears came tumbling out in a big stinky heap. and as i named my fears, they got smaller and smaller - the shadow of them lurking was bigger than their actual size, as it turns out. and then - so un-doctorlike - she hugged me. and her nurse sniffled. and she said i wasn't going to die from this lump. it wasn't cancer. and i asked if i could still go to San Diego, did she think? and she talked to me about how she has art inside her that's been nudging to get out, but she doesn't know what kind of art, so she's doing paint-by-numbers. and we agreed there's merit in paint-by-numbers, just based on the smell alone. and i warned her that Crayolas are a gateway drug. and the sweat stop trickling down my back and between my breasts and under my arms to my waist. and i believe i lost some poundage this morning. and there's a very good chance that i was blessed with a chance to re-prioritize some things even more than i just had a month or so ago. and all i could hear in my ears was Frankenstein yelling "I'M ALIVE!" by that time i had completely exhausted myself in worry. (a wasted cannibalistic thing, worry). i am home. i will nap. and then - i will make art. and tomorrow i will deal with the ever-growing auto repair bill. $2K and counting. like a telethon, i tell you. so for now - for right this second - i need you to know how very much i love you. and how very much your friendship means to me - despite my dramatic moments and curveballs in life. and i hope that i am such a friend to you. and if not, then i hope you have a friend that is, to you, what you are to me. and we will, each and every one of us, be rich.

homesick

i am homesick for my girl posse...i have a deep yearning to connect with those women that i hold dearest...to reel in the golden tether that connects our hearts and spirits and grasp hands and walk along a sandy beach or along a wooded path together, sharing stories...as i keep up with their day-to-day via phone, email, blog entries and the like, a sweet lightness fills me ... it is food for my soul. we are far flung in our physical addresses, the places we call home, yet a piece of each resides within my heart. maybe it's the spring-like weather - filled with possibilities and snow-washed air...snowdrops peeking through the newly revealed patches of grass, basking in the warmth of the promise of summer...maybe it's the rebirthing of my woods - buds beginning to appear on trembling barren branches as the snow birds give way to the chatter of returning southern fliers...no matter, i miss the women i hold dearest and am hungry to hear their stories in their own lilting voices and feel their laughter as it resonates...so i hold fast to the golden tether that connects our hearts, and am grateful beyond expression for their companionship in spirit.

by mermaid request

hey nebraska...email issues...drop me a call when you get a chance! ok - now, please visit here...if you're a teacher, or a student, or a person who is concerned...some very thoughtful insight into the state of education and schools from an insider.

it's interesting to me - a person who talks all day for her job - that i feel as though i have no words. i feel like a sponge, soaking in a bunch of opportunites presented to my spirit lately, and i'm all soft and emotional. my dreams have been spirited and vivid. my cravings are for new tastes. a sensory rainfall on me. heightened senses...drinking it in...letting it flow out through the work of my hands...a gathering of dreams around me - not reaching for them, but rather, watching as they sit quietly & brightly ...surrounding me...i am peaceful in my heart, and certain in my soul, and find myself joyously tearful most of the time in deep, deep gratitude for the gifts that have been given me...

my friend susan recommended this . i think you'll like it. ahhh friday...i can stay up past my bedtime, get up way too early and make some beautiful art! and THEN...do it all over again tomorrow! AND! i finally have my drill press set up, and have made some incredible holes drilled in my copper tags. who knew they'd get so hot when they're being drilled?? but anyway, i'm real excited about the designs. will show you some (hopefully) but the end of the weekend. wishing you a fabulous weekend....don't forget to change the clocks...Linda

yikes...so, wait - when was i here last?? it has been a dizzying few weeks. that's all I can say. some good. some very challenging. but i refuse to conjure the challenging back to life by repeating it. just suffice it to say that when you have a 3-person department, and 1 person is chronically "sick," it really makes the other 2 wonder why they came in at all to be abused. that's all i have to say. so the next few weekends are full-up with good things...the Everson is having it's Feast for the Senses the 27th at Watson Greenhouse...lots o art...i'm taking next friday as a vacation day and making some jewelry...we re-ran the numbers, and a vacation is not in the cards, so we're doing a staycation which will include a paintcation of the bedroom, bathroom and (finally) hallway...more jewelry making...and some other stuff that's making me wish my days away. the sun is just beginning to rise out my window right now, and i wish you could see this beautiful blazing pink/red streak of light ...spring birds have started coming back, which means a trip to Derby Hill for the hawk & eagle returns should be very soon. this month i am vowing to take & post more pictures...you've asked for pictures of my work, and i finally found the CD, so that will come. plus just how entertaining can it be to read a blank page?? so i'm off to shower and walk diva, then to work. updates on some glorious stuff this weekend. L

how is it that some can grab onto the tiniest scrap of twinkle and grow it within themselves, while others sit neck deep in a sparkling heap and see a speck of dust and their mind takes that in and grows it and grows it, till all that's left is dirt? despite their best attempts, the pile takes on a life of it's own and soon, everything looks like snow on an April day...you know the kind...still clinging to the curbs and the edges of the lawn...filled with pebbles...icy roughness...with the detris of things buried over a long winter reappearing soggy and deteriorated. how is it?

madder than hell

i try to stay away from politics in this blog. i really don't like to get political. but - i am really honking mad. mad enough to rip off some emails to a bunch o' folk that were elected by someone to watch out for me. and here is that email: I picked up my tax return on Saturday, and much to my extreme panic, I somehow owe $1700.00 in federal taxes. My preparer explained that legislation was passed so that anyone making under $30K got a "break." Fewer taxes would be taken out, so they could enjoy the extra money and stimulate the economy. Someone forgot to tell the IRS, because according to them, I have now paid too little taxes, and they want it back. In 1 month. How could a loophole like this have gotten through the watchful eyes of some committee? While I appreciate the thought, the amount of "extra" money was so negligible that it went unnoticed - until the big payback of tax time. I am overwhelmed with this. My husband & I have 2 kids (my stepchildren) in college. We both work full time (I actually work 2 jobs - being an artist in my spare time) and my husband works for a scientific products company, in sales. We come up short at the end of the month as it is. We pay for college with a home equity loan which creates an interesting "rob Peter to pay Paul" game when bills come due. I suffer from fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, and am technically eligible for SSDI, but cannot afford to leave my job. We are not spendthrifts...I am driving a 2003 vehicle, and he has a company car. Our house is in the same state as when we bought it - with appliances and such from the original 1970's build. We cannot afford to replace them, and pray they don't break down. Is there this much chaos in Washington that they don't stop to look at the big picture before they make a move? I thank you for reading this email. If anyone cares to listen, you may share my thoughts with them. Would it help if they came to live with some of the people they are actually representing, and make do on their budget? now i am not naive...i know some intern somewhere, all of 19 years old, with no mortgage or car payment still living in the gentle cocoon of college and aspiration and wonderment of the governmental and wide world process - will be the one to read and respond to my email, while snickering about the crazy lady. i know this because i was once an intern for a state senator. and although i took letters i read very seriously, and felt true compassion, it was still a young intern reading and responding to the emails and letters. and that was where i became less naive, and more disillusioned, and more certain that it was up to me to watch out for myself. so i guess this is about enough politics for this blog. i am just about as pissed off as a struggling middle class person who drags their fanny out of bed at 5am to go to work can possibly be. L.