eye of the tiger, baby

okay, so i thank you one and all for your supportiveness...truly! wow. who knew? and here's a weird thing...as i read emails and comments, i started to realize 2 things: 1) that there are a whole lotta wonderful people in the world - not a superficial wonderful..."W"onderful (big dubya on the word)- and that i know most of them(!), AND 2)the words of comfort also started to prick at my spirit and conscience a bit as i realized just how pathetic i was being. i mean, i had a stumble, not a fall...i still have a home, clothes, too many cats, a diva dog, and Plenty-and-Enough. i started to feel a bit ashamed of my attitude as i looked around the world, and even as close as Paducah, KY, where the thought of a luxury such as an addiction to overcome would probably make someone mayor of the village. so i grabbed the straps of my cowgirl boots, saddled up my inner Phoenix, channeled Grandma Lana, made an altar to my totem animals, sent regards to Jesus, Buddha, Shiva, Ganesh, threw salt over my shoulder, hugged a tree, kissed a frog, dialed up Eye Of The Tiger on my iPod, and once again felt strong and ready. (okay, i did none of those things, y'all know i'm kidding, right? Right??) but i did, in a very quiet moment, realize some things about myself, and did a slight paradigm shift. one thing i was beating myself up about was weight. i've gained close to 30 pounds these past few months. oh how i wished i could wear those cute little sweat pants that roll down at the waist showing off a cute little pierced navel! and seeing Gwen Stefani all buffed up after having kids...well, that just made the goal seem even more possible, yet unreachable. so this morning, as i stood outside on a freezing snowbank waiting for diva to find Just The Right Spot, i was funking out to Mary J Blige's Family Affair , and noticed that my neighbor (the school psychologist) had come out to let her dog out also...and she was amazed - not at the snow volume - but what had befallen her eyes! here was an older, suburban white woman, standing outside in near-single digit weather, cigarette in 1 mittened hand, hair all askew, wearing an old barn coat over a powder blue bathrobe. and this woman, her neighbor mind you, the neighbor's neighbor (me), was either A)having some sort of seizure, B)was on fire and trying to put herself out, or most likely and most unfortunate C)thought she was indeed a Fly Girl. not as in insect, but as in "Yo,Flygirl." and the instant, the very moment i tell you, that i realized that She realized it was Choice C Alex, a flash of an epiphany hit me: i was reaching for goals that i should have left behind, oh let's say 30 years ago. (and also that i have NO NONE NADA sense of rythym and ought not have disrespected Mary J like that anyway). (did i ever tell you i met her? at my katie's funeral, unfortunately). but my point is that perhaps i am expecting a bit too much from myself in some areas...not so much having good, healthy, stretch-yourself goals, but more like Updating or turning once again and looking at the wonderful path ahead. i missed out on most of my 20's...hell, to be fair - all of them. and maybe that's why these issues keep coming up...maybe i keep trying to have a do-over of that decade. but it just isn't possible. and that's not a bad thing. there are so many fabu things that i CAN do now, that i couldn't then, so to try to do the 20's now...well, that would waste my time NOW in my never-mind-how-old's. and is there nothing i mean nothing more pathetic than an older woman trying to be hip, cool, hot, whatever? (broseph: think Mrs. Vergara's mother at the pool!) and i am at peace with that. so yes, i was around for ABBA and Flock Of Seagukks god help me, and wanted to BE Carol King and Melanie, and briefly Jimi Hendrix, but that was then. now, i am re-realizing that i am a grown woman, and that is even as good. and it doesn't mean i have to be an OLD woman as we tend to think of old women. and please don't get me ranting on that, i swear. and as such, yes, it would be nice to be slim and trim and buff, and i will continue my efforts in that regard, BUT with the goal of being the best me...not the best me-that-was. so, GRRR, baby with a side of sauce. and this whole snowbank epiphany, although probably causing my neighbor to put her house up for sale, has led to a few other shiny insights. i won't continue this incredibly long and self-regarding post, but as they say in Austin, "it's all good." and i thank you each and every one for caring and especially for letting me know you care. now about that AARP that was sent to me.... L.

i don't know...do i post something that isn't blissed out and wonderful, but honest and from my depths, and maybe help someone else? or do i just wait...until this passes? however long that may be. well, i'll tell you my heart, and if you are only in the mood for something sparkly and wonderful, come back in a day or so rather than read on. i may have mentioned the excruciating time i am having with sudden smoking cravings. out of the clear blue. after 6 months. i had high hopes for today, as far as artwork goes. i followed my plan - up at 6am...coffee...dog care, cat care...meditation for about an hour. during that time i worked out a design for a sculpture that i need to make. all's good. i hit the worktable and began. within the hour, i was sobbing and snotty and throwing materials and F-bombs like a spoiled child. my body was in full crave-mode. i fought it for 4 hours, sitting in my closet, sobbing as quietly as i could into a towel so i didn't wake anyone up. this is not me. this is not me. it came down to a choice - sleep away another day just so i couldn't smoke, or just smoke. i threw on my boots and coat, grabbed my keys, blew my nose and went through the Travel Advisory weather to the stop-and-rob down the street where the clerk, Pat, gave me the fisheye and returned my change in pennies to punish me. just yesterday we had a conversation about how she (i think pat's a "she") hadn't seen me in a long time, and i told her it was because i quit smoking. Pat was disappointed, and i felt bad for disappointing her, but this was my mental status, and besides she tried to kill me last summer with the homicidally hot wing sauce she makes. i'm not sure what my body/mind is trying to do here. but honestly, my quality of life (and blog) is truly suffering from the fight. so i give. uncle. i will take it hour by hour, but i will not stress myself out over this. i have a pack of cigarettes in my car, and will not fight beyond what is truly uncomfortable. and i apologize if you are bored by all this or if it makes you sad somehow, but this is for me right now. so many people are having such a hard time right now with the weather taking over all manner of pleasure and squinching it. i wish you Bliss and sparkly things and firelight and a star to look up at and claim as your very own. such as it is, i will stand beside you and hold you while you cry...just ask. maybe we can hold each other up. and if you are having a great day, and don't need holding, or a star, or maybe Oprah to read your book and say she thinks it's da bom, maybe you can wait on the rest of us and entertain yourself by making up definitions to those word verification "words." some look kinda real, you know? fandisep, y'all.

GOOD MORNING!

here's a bouquet of goodness and sunshine for you....

old friends and baby days being born

Today at lunch, i was leafing through my copy of American Craft magazine, and LO! there was a new creation, Faydor, by my friend, and mentor, Wendy Ellertson! a beauty if i do say so! and seeing this familiar name, and familiar work, in the middle of my Other day at my Big Girl Job, well, it just felt like getting flowers...or a call from a long-lost friend...or a really really Nice Thing - something for the gratitude journal. and it got me thinking about how i finished not one, but two TWO sculptures in 2 days in Wendy's workshop, which got me thinking about Then....and Now...and what was different...and how i need to focus more, and become quiet and meditative enough to allow the work to flow - it's in there...i see it all the time. and to spend maybe a bit less time in front of this box, and more time bending wire and playing with rust. so although i adore you, and keeping up with your blog is like a hearty meal for my soul, i think i need to step away for a few days as a test. and meanwhile, let some creatures out that have been roaming the wilds of my brain. see, as i type this, my spirit is getting excited about the possibilities...my hands have been longing to create...what is stopping them? i don't know. but i do know that spending time on introspection will just Waste time...Just Do It, Nike, Just Do It! so tonight, i'll prepare my mise en place for my work tomorrow. i'll set up the coffeepot. i'll get diva's anti-tummy-distress meal ready. and i'll begin to celebrate within, and go to that place within, that holds all Promises and Magic, and stand at the window to make a withdrawl against my account. i'll begin the day early with a steamy mug of coffee, spiced with a smidge of cinnamon...ipod tuned to kirtan...hair up in a ponytail..sweatpants, flannel shirt...deep breath....ahhhh. begin. catch ya on the flip side...L.

the mind is a terrible disease

i heard that from some stand-up comedian. so yes...i did smoke. 1 cigarette. and i wanted to hurl. and got so dizzy i almost fell onto the ground in front of the stop-and-rob store. not to justify, but after waiting 12 long hours for a doctor callback, i just did it. and the clerk made me buy a lighter. no matches. so i smoked a $7.50 cigarette. then threw the rest away. along with the lighter. i have no idea where this is coming from, this intense craving, and why now. my life is generally on the high side of stressful, so it's not like i'm suffering from sudden stress. or depression. actually, the smokelessness has been more jangly than smoke-fulness was. oh! and i did find out from the nurse that called that "changes in taste" are a side effect of the chantix, so this lackluster taste bud thing is for real. i am learning some things, though, and that has made it not so much a waste. i've learned that parts of my life are worth more to me than distraction...that there are things that i value so much that i will not let anything distract me from my course. i've learned that i am much stronger than i thought, and much weaker than i wished i was, and that i can grow my strength! i have learned that a nice nap will help "shake the crows out of the tree." and that my friends will rally around and cheer when i succeed, and rally around and remind me to stand, walk and skip when i'm not so strong. i watched the coyotes face their fear over and over yesterday as they tried to get their dinner back to the woods. i can do this, too. i will need the determination of the coyote and the grace of the hawk, but i will. even now as i sit wondering which store may be open nearby....i will. i hope. L.

i write this, reeking of tuna...i spilled. so, no - i didn't smoke. i will call the doc tomorrow though to re-up my prescription...the cravings i have experienced in the past 2 days are worse than when i first quit. they are stopping my life. so i will deal as best i can, and if not, then i will again smoke because i don't intend to spend my life distracted by this. onward: today as i headed home from the store, i caught a flash of movement to the left...i slowed and there she was...a beautiful coyote...with a mate and a small one. they would run to the roadside and grab onto something, but run back at the first hint of a vehicle. i looked closer and saw the long-frozen remains of a deer that had been buried in the snow. the coyotes have their shaggy winter coat on, and look for all the world like they'd be covered in rabies, but that's just them. such beautiful animals....actually, diva's face is quite similar. i have a huge pot of veggie soup cooking, and the smell is just glorious (well, besides the smell of tuna). my friend Patty has 2 brothers in the military, and she is putting together Love A Soldier packages for them for Valentines Day. she invited one & all to participate, so i'm off to buy beef jerky, phone cards and chocolate (which she says is worth gold!). also some warm wool socks, as it is cold cold cold there. i guess i don't think of Afganistan as being cold ever. der on me. if you want to play, just let me know! she'll be sending everything out this week. the soldiers all LOVE getting mail from anyone...even strangers! if there's a National Guard or other military base near you, ask them how to send stuff, and what can be sent, etc. so off to stir the pot (as usual!). a somewhat normal, boring post. finally! L.

rocky

spring - for you!

fight AND flight

first, flight. here's a picture of Quest from my friend Gail! what a beauty...i watched this one hatch from an egg and now he makes his home in Nantucket. i suspect Mariah & Kaver will get a visit from time to time! ok - now for the "fight" portion of this post. you know, i am very aware of my body and when it's speaking to me. i have to be completely honest with you...i have an addictive brain. maybe because my parents smoked...maybe because i sat too close to the TV watching cartoons...who knows. but last august, i quit smoking, using chantix. it was not difficult. it had it's moments, don't let me fool you. but was much easier than i ever expected. fast forward now 6 months. i watch as my friend (who quit the same way) and i are unable to taste...are unable to concentrate...are unable to start or to finish anything - including artwork. it's true. i have not completed a single not one piece of art since last august. i walk up to my beautiful worktable facing the incredible sunny-window view of the trees, and do a quick u-turn. even the 1-hour books....not so much of a quickie fun thing, but more of a this-is-it thing... it's no better at my Big Girl job - i am unable to concentrate on the paperwork aspect that i once loved...my mind races...it's like i have A.D.D. for real....i see my friend take days, weeks even, to clean out a single cabinet. it's like we're laid-off lab rats still pushing the bar for crack, even though we don't want it so much. it's as if the nicotine is a component that my brain needs to function. so today i am at a crossroad. i hate everything that smoking does - smelly, icky, unhealthy, dirty, etc. however, i feel like i have to choose between that and my ability to make art. it is a true vexation. have you ever accidentally over-caffeinated, and find yourself totally buzzed out, running through the store trying to remember what you went in for? bread? milk? tofu? rutabaga? like that dog treat BACON BACON BACON I SMELL BACON! commercial. that's how i feel all the time. it's not so much a fight against wanting to smoke, it's a fight against some internal centrifugal force that might make me peel apart and shred. maybe some people just have a spot in their brain that needs something bad to fill it. oy who knows. i just know this is how i feel. so if you are struggling with smoking/not smoking, i do apologize if i've swayed you in the wrong direction. it's my intention only to be honest and up front, and i wish my doctor had been a bit more forthcoming, but hey, she has her commission to make too. (sorry - that was a bit less shiny than i like to be). so yesterday i confronted this monster by going for a walk. a big walk. 2+ hours worth of walk. i covered most of my woods. i do not have that kind of time in my daily life. and it's cold today. so we'll see what happens. i just feel less good if i am unable to make art than if i start smoking again. and then there's the whole money aspect. oy. maybe Quest will come take me away! L.

there's been a quiet certainty growing in me...like the eternal flame that hung over the altar by the Torah at Temple Concord....i can almost see it flicker in my belly, as the peacefulness and steadfastness takes root once again. today, i watched history as President Obama stepped front and center. no matter who you voted for, the moment had to give you pause. and hopefulness. it seems as though the "business as usual" crowd will be less in fashion. i hope i'm right. i'm not usually in fashion myself. tonight i got word from my brother that a long-lost cousin had made contact with him. we are fewer now that my aunt Beatrice has passed away. (married to SamTheGarbage)(okay - whenever my Uncle Sam would leave the house, Aunt Beattie would yell "Sam! The garbage!" so he'd remember to bring it downstairs. i thought that was his name for a while). it's been too long since i've connected with my father's family. way too long. and my mother's family is gone. perhaps this historic day will signal the beginning of healing - in the nation, and in my family. L.

ok so maybe you DO need to smack me on the head a few times to get my attention...der...but i got it, okay?? today the doc explained that part of my weight gain is my body freaking out due to estrogen depletion due to perimenopause-ish issues. it's basically screaming, "Armaggedon!" and battening down a fat layer to protect the mommy-maker area around the hips, upper thighs and lower abdominal areas. pay attention - this will be you. so basically, yes, it is good that i have been xc skiing and doing yoga and power walking and not eating so much crap. but will it change the Watchtower status? not so much. until my brain gets it through it's head that estrogen is depleting because it's TIME to stop with the ovary action, then not so much will change. but keeping active (sounds like a laxative commercial) will have benefits down the line when the fat depletion begins. also in the mix is the Eastern thought that the area just under the ribs (where it feels for all truth like a 1" diameter pvc tube was inserted) (maybe 2") THAT AREA deals with emotional and creative aspects and it's blocking Flow. or something similar...i'm tired (the phlebotomist was new. i have many bandaids and a happy face sticker). which makes sense, as i have been a basket case and my art has not made it from my head through to birth. and to be honest, lately i've been slapped in the face with all manner of signs and knowledge that Hello! you are not dealing with this! my Altered Shoe turns into Ganesha...my yoga mantra for the year is "the only constant is change." and other things. all of a sudden in the middle of a down dog, i peeked open my eyes (mostly because the head rush was exemplary) and there was my mantra paper. and i GOT it. it just clicked. so if change is constant, why am i wasting all this time and effort to try and stop change? to make things "the way they were" when maybe if i stopped BLOCKING change, then maybe what THIS was CHANGING TO would actually be better. hmm. some mental circulation to ponder, no doubt. and last year i learned to be true to myself...my heart of hearts...and i would find bliss. so i am officially stepping aside and letting it rip. not just stepping aside and taking a que sera sera attitude, but getting out of my way. my gynocologist is such an incredible woman...i feel blessed to have found her. and right down the street! we talked for quite some time today...never rushed...and there's a good chance i'll make it through this without wigging out. i'll share some of her thoughts later. for now, to bed....with my boo-boo bandaids and happy face stickers on my arms. remind me to tell you how i got a pair of Etienne Aigner boots for $26 today...oh yeah damn spanky! L.

i've been reading the book, The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. a very slim little volume. it could take a while. read a sentence...feel a bone in the throat...ruminate..clarify...meditate...and ahhh haaa. and at the end of each chapter, there's a meditation. so this morning i'm at the part about sorrow, and she talks about being able to sit with your sorrow without trying to fix it or fade it. uh oh...i say to myself. fix it or fade it. and i stopped right there. is that not why i've been so undecided about things in my life? the pain of the sorrow. so i read on. sure enough. she talks about how we want to rush through the hard part and on to the healing and fading. and the grief & sorrow needs to be felt & put to rest at it's own pace or it will remain an unresolved item, or something to run from or try to cover up or fill in with other "stuff." hmmm. i predict a thoughtful day today. and my shoe sculpture has decided it wants to become Ganesha. so much for the other! it makes so much more sense now that i look at it. but first...i wish you a fabulous, sparkling day. L.

what a strange day it was today...home from work (sick) but restless after the main "sick-ish" part subsided, so i started clearing off my work table and packing things up to mail out and organized odds & ends. it was mindless work...or was it? i've always had such a monkey-mind that i need to trick it into "watching the pony over here" while i got some Real Good Thinking done. and i did. and also cleared off a literal cartload of stuff from my table. my workstyle is messy...plow in and let it rip. leave the cleanup for later. i wandered about the house in my jammies, feeling emotional and weepy one minute, then ferocious and centered a few minutes later. i finally put on some kirtan, and did a Warrior pose til i thought maybe i'd never walk again. and some things swirled like a lava lamp and settled and tickled and swam like sea monkeys. (no...i don't smoke pot. any longer.) And i realized a lot of things i needed to, and was able to feel compassion for myself without all the ego, self-centered, or throw-myself-on-the-railroad-tracks whatever-ish. just gentle. and i realized that 1 thing i've been beating myself up over lately was what seemed to be a lack of outward compassion...not WASN'T - just SEEMED to be. example: my friend went through hell in the past 7-ish years..hell. i would NEVER have made it through what she went through. and i hope that i was the kind of friend to her that she is to me. when i look at her, i see a woman of incredible strength of character. i always have. so when she would mention certain things, i would never ever doubt that she would trounce through the situation and kick it to the curb, as if it was an annoyance rather than a Life Issue. and it always amazed me how she did it and was always smiling. as i approach a personal Life Issue, i realize she faced this same one down...and more, much more. and just did it. with grace. and strength. and if not with certainty of the result, at least with certainty that she would triumph....because she had to. i draw strength from you, my friends. and today as my monkey-mind watched the pony show and spilled popcorn all over, i gave thanks for each of you. and asked that special blessings and surprises be bestowed upon you. watch for the magic........L.

from Heather Handler: "she knew what she had to do as a human, but as the Princess of a Secret World, she still had so much to figure out." indeed.

my husband and i decided today that we no long want to be married to each other. this is a decision that i had made in my secret heart quite some time ago, but the vastness of the thought, and the incredible logistics of the requirements were more than i could take. so i kept that little secret tucked in my secret heart of hearts. you know, there is no such thing as a secret secret. somehow, in some way, the thought will find a way to manifest itself. and as my wonderful, peaceful sanctuary became less of a home and more of a battleground strewn with eggshells to traverse, and music replaced by silences even louder, and people behaving badly, i knew i needed to change things. but have felt too tired and worked over and scared to do anything. today will be a day of holding our tongues...to try not to inflict damage unbecoming two adults, one of them a born-again Jewish Buddhist. he has said he wants to try counseling one last time. this week i will decide. but the words have been thrown into the ring, then pulled back somewhat with a toe...awaiting a final determination. please send me your best Light. I say i may not be posting for a while, but you know how i am. so either way...i will still keep you in my heart during this time. L.

the Pearl

there is an ice storm outside...my trees coated thickly with frozen rain...soon, if we believe the weatherguy, to be covered by a blanket of snow. i look forward to a power walk through my woods to gnaw on some thought-faeries that have been pinkling around in my head. and today the weather seems like a good analogy for what has been Chosen as my Life-Assignment (Good Morning Mr. Phelps). a beautiful spirit covering over some slippery, dangerous spots. old Stuff... never resolved, just calcified, then covered over. not to hide, but just too tired to deal. sort of like closing the door on a messy room when company comes. then you just never open it again. On Jonatha Brooke's CD, The Works, there's a song called My Sweet And Bitter Bowl. There's a part in it that snagged my imagination, and has made itself into art-in-progress on my worktable. i don't think she'll mind if i quote that part here (and you really should buy the CD anyway): ..."If you would open and raise my soul If you would pass my gates and doors If you'd unlock my frozen loves, Just drink my sweet and bitter bowl..." so, for me, it's the whole imagery of someone making such an incredible, focused effort to get through the maze of Stuff ...just to get to the heart of the matter....to love someone or something so very much that you would work & effort & fatigue trying to open these heavy steel, rusted, padlocked doors, and never give up...and travel through the distances needed, and burn with them, scream & cry late into the night & grieve with them, and also dance crazy and rejoice with them...that the love was such that none of the bitter mattered...none of the bad, the consuming pyre, the just plain aching deadness -was all the same as the honeycomb sweetness and pure brightness and delight...it was all the same...the goal was worth the task needed to reach it...that, my friends, is what i am passionate about...reaching the center...looking into the heart, the soul, the spirit...where the gleaming pearl of a person is - born of endless chafing and washing away of unneeded grit, keeping only the essential...the pearl. to know you, and to know myself... to seek inwardly and maybe clean that messy room a bit. if done a little at a time, it isn't so overwhelming. but i think now, today, it's time to dig a little past the surface, and into that messy room. time to feng shui my heart of hearts and dust off that pearl. the gates and doors and padlocks, with all their beautiful rust, need to be dusted and oiled and spiffed up to welcome visitors. funny, the dusting stuff is called Behold! just sayin. *wink nudge* L.

oy

i am almost dead from excitement, i tell you. i am so excited, in fact, that i'm channeling Aunt Sylvia (long story)...you know how you sort of "think out" or "hear" what you're about to write, as you write it? well all i can hear is Sylvia's Yiddish....a sure sign great things are brewing. so - here's what we have...first the long backstory, as you knew would happen. diva's grandmother (my brother's mother) came monday to walk her, as husband is out of town, and Youngblood cannot be in the same room with her (diva). grandma took diva, and diva hasn't been returned home since. a matter soon for the police, but a story for another day. (and an exaggeration, so calm down). i wander Barnes & Noble aimlessly...i do not have to be home to perform any Becky Home Ec-y function. tra-la-la through the crafts, now the audio...oh who's Katie Perry? oh my cell phone rings as I Kissed A Girl begins loudly to play. and God help me not to de-compose myself right there - it's a gallery owner saying they are interested in having my fiber art in a show. i could just die, but there is the unusual soundtrack blaring, but who cares...you know artists. so i'm wondering which fiber pieces he is speaking of, since i haven't actually been working in fiber for a while, and y'all would be so very proud of me for my suave-aciousness in finding out. they want 8 pieces. very cool. okay so i leave with a latte, feeling very grown up and self-important, very Mary Tyler Moore Throwing The Beret-ish, and head home. to clean out the litterbox. life hands it to you. keeps you real. then, okay? then today? again with the no-dog-no-husband house. hung out and talked to an actual co-worker who was enrapturizing us with stories of her medical conditin that rivals ANYTHING, anything i tell you, from that cable medical channel. got home later than usual. cleaned the catbox. ate a Lean Cuisine while waiting for my computer to warm up. tmi. okay. checked my email. and THAT's where the story gets good. y'all....i ask you...what have i been blah-blah-blahing about endlessly till you wanted to kill me? Squam? so i get an innocent enough email sure right from Elizabeth the creator/founder/director/fairy godmother of Squam...the new classes are up. (insert huge-lung scream) so i click on the link....and...and... the F.R.E.D.* would not NOT let me onto the World Wide Web. bastards! flaming black-hearted bastards of an internet company. and to think i gave up profanity 2 weeks ago as part of the Wellness campaign at work (since giving up an afternoon snack is unreasonable). BANSHEE SCREAM. options...options...ok - wearing sweats and my Big Girl Shirt from work..silk trouser socks...library is out. ahhh - this is what neighbors are for. Bam bam on the door followed by a huffing puffing "i need your internet NOW" and shazam! i'm in. i just needed to see it. but wait...i experience chest pains...2 sessions....two...deux...not one, but one more than one...shitchristdammit. that cost a twinkie. now what?? i scroll and scan quickly - neighbor reaching for her phone. thank her. walk home. notice i have 2 different shoes on - a red croc and a boot of some sort. no coat. very cold. get home. email Elizabeth to tell her EXACTLY what i think of this. oh - lo! webification! kiss kiss on the mouse. so now go here and fall in love. i'm exhausted. good night. L oh crud...the * needs explaining...well, okay another story. while i was still in college, i swore with all my heart that i would never not ever work for a COUNTRY WESTERN radio station. or an oldies station. ever. i had standards. so midway through my last year, i'm broke go figure, and the head of the dept comes to me and says she has an oppty for me...a radio station heard some of my work and want to hire me. they will work with my school schedule. they will pay me real American dollars. every week. i'm down with that. oh yeah...country. and western. i show up the first evening to train. the overnight guy (who will work AFTER my shift) is sleeping on a couch in the "lobby" and smells like 14 cartons of cigarettes were lit off on him. and he has gas. and his dog, who is sleeping on the floor beside him, has gas. there is a shotgun yes a shotgun leaning next to the couch. i'm far from home. locked in this building. with madmen. about to go on the air at a country western station. my boss comes out to give me the tour and i meet FRED, the machine that plays the commercials, which are on cartridges resembling 8-tracks. actually there were 2 machines - one named WILMA for the AM station, and FRED for the FM. so about 20 minutes on the air, and i hear an alarm going off LOUDLY. my boss jumps up, i follow, and soon learn how FRED got his name "F-ing Retarded Electrical Device" my boss screams as he tries to un-jam the thing. that's the true story. the shotgun, you ask? okay, but then to bed. this station was waaay back away from the road behind a bunch of other buildings, and backing up to some woods. hidden nicely. and although it was off of a main route through the town, you could not see it from anywhere. so the area is known for 2 things: the prison that housed the 1st ever electric chair, and skinheads. so here's a little Jewish girl, who grew up in a nice suburban neighborhood, sitting in a dumpheap hellhole of COUNTRY WESTERN radio station. and on my first night, the boss tells me that if i hear anything, or see anything move out that picture window that basically IS the back wall, i should call the police asap. the skinheads were threatening to take the media hostage. we were the only media open after 5pm. what a desperate and typical situation i was in, eh? shortest job i ever had. now good night. L.

i believe in You....i know that you will do such incredible things, that often i forget to tell you....it is just such a certainty in my mind - like breath in and out, sun rising & setting - that you are remarkable...i forget that sometimes you may not remember just how fabulous you are...how i am in awe of you...and how tickled and pleased and grateful that we are friends...so, i will ask you - do you believe in me? and i will ask you to grab a box of kleenex and go here. a big, encircling hug to y'all....L.

ankle deep in diamonds

it was a morning i wish i had my camera with me...9am...bare tree branches coated with ice...the sun holding steady on the horizon for just an inkling or two...a tree trunk blocking the sun for a moment, and the rays splay outward electrifying the encased limbs - slight dripping fortells the coming end of this brillant, impermanent display...fresh, untouched snow for miles over undulating hills covered in twinkling diamonds...each snowcrystal flashing individually...Nature's Tiffany...even with sunglasses, a sight almost unbearable in it's beauty...the hush and silence as morning begins...i point my skis in no particular direction and head out...the silence follws...above and to the right - a woodpecker beats out a rhythm...coyote tracks follow the treeline then cross the open expanse...something darting to my right - gone too fast to be identified except by fresh hoof prints in the snow....and still the dazzling twinkling sparkle...a crust of ice over the stream creates a window to watch the water flow beneath...my skiis crunch over last night's frozen slush and i follow the call of my crows...i am ankle deep in diamonds...i am rich.

nestling

have you noticed a gentle murmuring? a calling amongst us to find center again? people i know have mentioned how they feel the need to pull themselves around themselves... like wrapping a great comfy sweater about you, holding a beautiful mug of tea, cozy slippers on, fireplace dancing, dusk outside the window. a quieting of the soul for just a flicker of time. just enough to regain Center. Balance. Sense of Self. paying attention to the Spirit. restocking after the chaos of the holidays depletion. so i gently, slowly, bring to you in hushed tones the vision of it all...opal wings so wide and so very cashmere soft enfolding you in a comforting swaddling cocoon...you inhale deeply, and when you exhale the tightness flows away...you feel your shoulders drop, then your neck relaxes, your chin tucks toward your chest so gently...your eyes close gently and even if you're sitting in a chair, you feel those wings support you, envelop you, holding you in a sacred, loving embrace...with each audible sigh, you feel more relaxed, more loved than you've ever felt possible...more acceptance in these wings...tears may slide down your cheeks...a smile may beam from your face...if you could only see yourself i'm sure you'd glow...you rest within this protection as long as your Spirit needs, then a final deep sigh, and you begin to feel energized...your mind begins to awaken anew - slowly and not to overwhelm it brings for your consideration - thoughts, colors, ideas, projects, possibilities...you notice how soft the wings are, and although it's hard to leave your cocoon, you are refreshed and Centered and ready to continue. knowing you can return at any time. peacefulness. L.

dear Lord, please let me win some free liposuction because this healthy exercise may just kill me. amen

stolen words

i swiped this quote off susan greene's blog: (technically she borrowed it too!) You have to know what you need and want out of life before you can make the choices necessary to honor them. Sarah Bran Breathnach this really stayed with me...i've been more of a backseat passenger in my own life lately..just sort of reacting to things that crop up, good & bad, rather than taking my Warrior Spirit by the hand and saying Go Forth And Conquer! or something similar. it's been the time for gliding, but i'm feeling a tug to take the wheel and drive now. so many little whispers have come to me recently. i've learned that if you don't heed the whispers, then the shouts will follow...somehow The Point will become clear. so finally something to occupy the monkey mind while the ears recover from their concert-for-one yesterday. a very exciting project is putting itself together on my table, so some coffee...some orange slices with cinnamon...some quiet music for the ear-hangover...and the smell of gel medium. perfect. L.

12 steps over the line, sweet jesus

it's true...i am so addicted to my IPod. i can't go anywhere without it, sneaking even a single ear thingie in whenever i can...imagine, if you will, what my brain must think: right ear hears: "And i refuse to pay for this dental work i refuse to pay you sons of bitches"... but meanwhile, the left ear hears: "o little bird I want to sing like you..." So yes, that does explain a lot. and raise your hand if you've looked at your songlist, or even list of artists, and gone..."Hunh??" like do i really have Mary J Blige in with Britney Spears with Cat Empire with Jimi Hendrix with David Newman and on. i make no apologies to anyone for my musical tastes. in defense, i will say the Spears "Womanizer" cut is an excellent aerobic selection, and Mary J's Work It, well if i have to explain it, you've never heard it. a little old school - Sugar Hill Gang, and on. i'm a nut with the ITunes store. and i realized how much i missed music. i used to have it on around me constantly. lately, not so much. not sure why. but who cares now that i'm Pod Queen. an ITunes gift card sends shivers down my spine. oy. ******* so 3-5 inches of snow...HA...i laugh. (channeling Grandma Lana - )today i make husband to snowshoe. it's a good time to get him to go, since we've been in a cold war for days now, and have just reached a tentative peace. i refuse to side trip down that dead end road right now because i'm feeling downright chipper and perky with the promise of snow games. while i'm out, you just go ahead and pee in my Cheerios, but i have a whole new 'tude toward winter since i'm able to play in it. i'd still rather it went elsewhere, but as long as it's here, i'm dealing. and it has helped a whole cartload with the whole Seasonal Attitudenal Disorder. so far, depression has stayed at my garden gate and not ventured up the path...HA! i've learned not to be so cocky as to say i have slain the dragon, but i think i may have poked out an eye. (just picturing a dragon with a pirate eye patch now & snickering. hmm...maybe aNOTHER tattoo....). so back to my point & ramble...i guess if i wouldn't have had 2 hard plastic music barfers jammed in my ears, i would have had ALL senses working and HEARD divadog barking frantically and fairly hysterical with the thought of all the trouble the kitties would be in when mom came downstairs...no, i had to wait for other senses to engage. now i ask you...quick - can you name something more hideous than 4-legged bi-directional explosive diarhea? i'll give ya a moment, but i'll tell you, no, no there isn't. now, i'm not really bonded with these cats. i like them...i'm happy to give them food & shelter...but honestly? when they lay across my face in the morning i don't find it cute...and when they run in front of me down the stairs then ...stop...for no reason...3 steps from the bottom and i have to perform a vertical leap, frogging my legs up like a mad skateboarder on a half-pipe from hell, adding then a half twist over the cat, down 3 steps and over a rail thingie...in heels...with hot coffee in a mug...hoping the cat doesn't now move to the bottom of the stairs where i will have wasted my best Beijing moves and land solidly crushing the kitty under my immesity...then right then - i do not feel bonded with kitty. not so much. or in any way. now. there's the issue of the cleanup. (we're back to the kung fu poo) let me remind you - i do not have children. and this is one of the many, many reasons. i can recall being in line at a grocery store behind a mom with a diaper clad youngster who was making the cutest breath-holding faces at me. and you know, i'm not sure just how much those diapers were meant to hold, but it was clearly over it's load limit pardon the pun. i wanted to leave my cart right there at the checkout and run, with the full confidence that i would never NEVER i tell you ever eat again. oozing down the leg. clearly i got over that, eating-wise, but it made my womb QUAKE with the thought that that woman could have turned around and i would see...gasp...myself. shit where was i ...oh yeah - shit. so now i have a laundry room full of poo, and a cat sort of slinking away. not as in skulking-slinking. more like a Right Said Fred slink. i think he even stopped to adjust his kitty earbuds, snapped his paws, and sang "on the catwalk yeah, i shake my tush on the catwalk." i am endlessly distraught. i need some happy music in my ears. stand by. oy. better. husband has a big mess here to clean up. now calmer, i figured that since the cats once belonged to his daughter, then by law they are now actually HIS, and as such, so is the mess. whew. that was a close call. can't argue with logic. on the catwalk. L.

my first ever contest!

first a little housekeeping...Thank you, Steven Tyler. you always know exactly what to say. i am totally exhausted and rocked. whew! now send me your feet for my neighbor. nope - not whatcha thinkin. i was all wrung out and tired, but needed some oomph to get the next step of this project done...so my cure? a little Walk This Way (live, of course) on the IPod. actually, about 5 repeats of it. loud. the cats are furious about the noise from my jumping, banging and out-of-tune-loudly-singing. the trip back to my glory days was worth any future embarrassment with Youngblood. can't explain my facination with Tyler. oh well. there are secrets, then there are Secrets. did i ever tell y'all i was in a band years ago? i was. traveled Quebec and Canada and the US side of the border through Buffalo. picture me, 50 lbs thinner, black over-the-knee suede boots..singing some STUFF in french. still have the boots. i cleaned up my act (so to speak) when i lost my voice. that's where i met Mark the Biker and the Incident with the Lifesavers. i'll repeat another time. but the voice thing is g-o-n-e. a blessing, i suppose, because is there anything more pathetic than an aging granny rocker? so i'm dying to send someone a bag o' my favorite Ginger Pear Tea! so here's the deal ... post me a thought to the blog questions in the previous post (holly - you're in)...are you sick of this blog? stale? too real? not real enough? what are your thoughts about blogs in general? what about Steve Tyler? (just kidding about him). and next fri i'll scientifically pick a winner. it's just that the blog has become such a phenomenon....blogstars need only an etsy shop and they're off and running...no more business cards or sales reps...it just facinates me. and what makes a Blogstar? what makes one blog viral, and another unnoticed? what an incredible time to be alive, i tell you! having lived through nickel phone booths (actual BOOTHS) with rotary dial phones, on through to today's cell technology...wow...i feel old and wonderous at the same time. so drop me a line or write a whole missive....i'm back to Steve. L.

the big blow

so as 2009 blows out the candles on it's birthday cake, and as my Motrin begins to assure my ski-aching body that things will be just fine, i have questions and quandries and quotes that seem apropos and even immediate for today. my mantra "It's Never Too Late To Be Who You Were Meant To Be." also a quote i snatched, you may have noticed. also, i'm questioning this blog. initially i started it to try to release and relieve the pain i was feeling following my Kita's death. i figured a few posts, and too-da-loo. but here we are these years later. and it seems that the entries waver from real spiritual depth, to observance of daily life in nature, to the frustrations and foibles of just trying to make it through. sometimes i want to go back and delete a post that just seems so shallow or not worthy of the "airtime" it gets...bitches and frustrations that only spread ickiness. but then that seems like cheating. i've followed some blogs and i think "How in The Hell Does She DO It?? she has never ever had a bad day! it is one miraculous moment after another. and what? NOW she's going to Costa Rica?? just like that. just foof and away." so i leave that bitchy post in because, honestly, i think i do have a bit of bitch in me. more than a little sometimes. i try not to but i'm human, y'all. and sometimes, the bitchy part is not at all noticeable. like when your mom covers the burnt part of the pancake with butter and blueberry syrup. i guess it's still there, but the Good Part wins. back to the point. so as is wont this time of year, i am taking stock, and seeing what needs changing...what stays...what goes. and the tone & content of this blog is part of that....do i continue to share the bones of my life? do i try to be more uplifting? (tho God knows some days, help me here Jesus, i AM not the one to call for a happy face drawn in your oatmeal). i'm trying to decide and as i write this, it feels sort of fake for me to just be uplifting or just be arty or just share one segment of my life. i have so many different "moments" to my life...heck, the cube farm alone could be a blog. and it's not that i think i'm uber-facinating, or clever, or have ALL the answers (tho i am happy to share those i do have - they're usually to other people's problems anyway)or any kind of thing like that. this isn't required reading for a grade, or even to be my friend (i know - you're all jumping like beans going "OOO! PICK ME PICK ME!). i guess when i started writing this blog, i assumed no one would read it - i mean how would a person even find it unless they knew me and looked for it. but i've got to tell you, in the early days, when i had the "comments" set so that they came to my email first...oy VEY. and it made me scared. and made me feel very small & ant-like to be a person, just me, out here dancing on the Web, and someone halfway around the world sent a comment to me. what are the chances this could have ever happened - that i would come to know someone from so far away? except for this blog. just so you're reassured, i did not send the money to nairobi as requested from the commenter. but i felt special just to be asked. (you know that last part was not for real, right?) this blog has been a good way to keep in touch with people, but it has been a 2-edged sword. sometimes someone will read a post, and think they've been in touch. so i go endless days, weeks wondering what i did to piss them off, when they're thinking that somehow i knew they read my post. so i guess i'm ranbling here. i think perhaps i will keep things pretty similar....warts and all...good days, fabulous days, frustrating days, dark days...i'll share them all with you and you pick the ones you want. and just maybe i'll get some art done too! namaste, y'all. and a delicious, delightful 09. L.