rip-off

i'm sorry - i don't ever do this, but the words i'm about to cut & paste were stolen from Sparkletopia.com ....and they are so meaty and so wonderful and so exactly what i've been feeling and trying to articulate but haven't been able to...when i read these words, tears just welled up...my heart said YES YES YES! THIS IS WHAT I MEANT! and an audible "Ohhh" escaped from deep within. Please visit www.sparkletopia.com for the real deal, but here is my rip-off, with all apologies to Christine - thank you for sharing this on your site. it's from the book, The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. (just a quick note...you should all have put in orders for Christine's book, "Ordinary Sparkling Moments" by now. don't make me tsk). now breathe in these words of life: The Invitation It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "YES!" It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed your children. It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments. --Oriah

so the last few days, weeks, have been such a learning time...a sinking in of things already known on a certain level - a re-learning of things that have drifted away from the heart as Life drifted in and swirled around, all chaotic-like, as Life is wont to do from time to time. the Illusionists seen for what they are....the wish-they-weres seperated from the tribe...spaceclearings and gathering in...although i am a very closed person when i first meet someone, once that initial Friend Or Foe moment has passed, i tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, or at least have it peeking out of a front pocket. if you borrow it and don't take good care with it...your bad. i have a spare, but tend to not give out all-access passes. all this said, i have realized limits with some tendrils of friendships, and honestly feel they have come, and now gone, in a wistful, and relieved, conclusion...they held purpose and edification for both sides for a time...and that time has past...yet each of us still held to our end of a golden thread that was way too frayed to hold tight. i have been blessed with so many incredible women (and a few men) in my life that i count as HeartFriends...soulmates...and best of all - the favor has been returned in their feelings toward me. and those soulmates i walk side by side with, hand in hand, in step. always grateful...always grateful. so as The Rockin' Ladies of the 80's blasts in my ears thru my Diskman, i'm off to make art. wishing you friends as true and wonderful as the ones i have..........L.

is it just me?

you know, for the most part, my life has been the very definition of chaos. and mostly that's been okay. actually, it has been kind of fun & interesting. i mean, i would love to have one of those lives that goes along la-la-la and everything is wonderful. but since life, real life, isn't even like that on TV, then the chaos that has been my life has been an acceptable trade-off. i have been blessed with an extremely active sense of humor, so Incidents that happen are just fodder for my own amusement. not to dissapoint you, not much unusual has happened today - othr than the thunderstorm (???) going on right now....diva has gone all weenie on me and keeps walking across my lap/laptop. so anyway, where was i? Things Happen to me that Only Happen To Me. i guess it's a badge of honor and also a cross to bear. **fake sigh** i accept my role as the Universe's clown/pinata/warm-up band. and you know, it's all good. for where would i be without chaos? without the 2am skunk fight? or the car that just rolls to it's untimely demise following my shopping spree? or having the waistband of my slip just expire and fall to the ground as i stand backlit by the sun in my white skirt in front of a very large conference room bank of windows that contain many, many industrial-type men i must now give a presentation to? or OR the time i caught my heel (yes i wore slips and heels at a stupid, misguided point in my life) i caught my heel on the 3rd carpeted step of 12 more to come and tumbled - in a skirt a SKIRT - to the very center of an office in a bomb factory. in front of the most handsome man i had yet met who had, in fact, just invited me to see the Stones in concert at the Palladium the next weekend. he never followed up. thank goodness, shallow man. he probably would have ended up my 3rd husband. and the THEN there was the time ...oh you get the point. my life has not been without it's moments that make you go "aaarrrrggghhh" in the moment just before you fall asleep...just when you take that step over into la-la land...something from somewhere hits a synapse that triggers a burst of adrenaline that pops open your eyes and a sweat gland opens up just a tad. then the horror of the 20-year old moment plays across a screen in front of you and that "aaarrrggghhh" charlie brown sound escapes from your lips...no actually comes from somewhere in your gut...it forms fully in your throat and as you begin to relive every last detail of the horrificality of that one moment - that nanosecond that last forever, a part of your brain is saying NO! that was 20 years ago for God's sake! why are you torturing us like this? and another part of your brain starts to thank it, and you realize that there is a continuation to the statement...and it goes like this.."why? 20 years ago - enough with that already. there have been FAR WORSE things that happened just 15 years ago...10 years ago...last week, even..." so now you know you have to start all over again with the sheep-counting...maybe a swig of nyquil. and you know, when you re-run into the most handsome man who you met while vertically-challenged in a bomb factory, and he's gained oh, maybe 60 pounds, and he looks like oh, maybe your grandfather except he still thinks he's 20 years younger and slicker than snot on a doorhandle...then when you say Hey! Remeber the time i fell down the stairs at the bomb factory when we went there to sell them industrial adhesives? And he says NO. then you realize that maybe your biggest ARRRGGH isn't such a big thing in the face of a lot of other things. maybe it's just late late. and you've had too much ice cream. and have pms. and everything else just stinks stinks stinks. so the brain tried to distract and amuse you from the task at hand (sleep) because it would be impossible anyway, given that you have 20 new real-imagined pounds of excess water weight on each hip since yesterday. it was misguided, but it's heart was in the right place, the brain. so you decide to go easy on it and realize that 20 years later, it really was pretty funny after all...thump thump...briefcase filled only with a tuna sandwich and some business cards...crash thump....stupid shoes anyway. i can tell you with certainty - i bounce. and so goodnight to all! L.

Intention

Intention. Intention. at the beginning of yoga class, my instructor asks us to define our Intention for our practice. to focus on our Intention for our practice. we breathe with our Intention. it becomes life-giving and allows movement, our Intention. ahhhhhhhh. Intention. so many people that i know are questioning Intention...theirs, their friend's, their So-Called friend's, Intentions for writing, or do-ing or dreaming or hoping. I have always felt that Intention is one of the strongest forces available to us. it is the Intention behind something that makes that Thing what it is...good or bad...blessing or curse, and on & on. if i was walking beside you and shoved you aside, you'd surely be upset and perhaps raise your fists reday to Go. but what if you discovered that my Intention was to push you out of the way of a falling brick? oh. same movement....different Intention. giving a bucket of money to a person who's fallen on a hard time has good Intention. withholding it from someone who is controlled by drug addiction has the same good Intention. so all this rambling. my Intention (smile), if you allow me to sound schoolteacher-ish, is to say that if we (each of us ) live our lives with Good Intention in our hearts & actions, then any misinterpretation, or advantage-taking on the part of someone else is their own issue to dissolve. way back When, it was my Intention with this blog to expel some of the intense grief i felt at Kita's death. sort of a Dear Diary. i didn't care if anyone read it, and felt quite anonymous, actually. i'm not a paper & pencil journal person. i think better through a keyboard. and although lately my words have been running from me, and yes, i have a tendancy to make up my own words as i go, i still feel the need to put my random thoughts to virtual paper. there is no other Intention. "the blog" as a format (not MINE, just blogs in general - maybe everyone's BUT mine) has become a launching pad for a phenomenon of Blogstars. which, if i'm honest....i think is amazing and wonderful. to be able to share your thoughts, dreams, creations in a format that can be freely accessed around the world - amazing! i have no Intentions or desires to be a blogstar, in case you wondered. if elected, i will not serve. as if. but if you read my blog, i hope it makes you happy somewhere, or you feel a connection sometimes. if you think i'm dorky or goofy or spoiled or shallow, well, there are other places to read what connects with you. and that's okay. comment or not...i leave that forum open for you. this is my spot to gather my thoughts and perhaps share some with you. so back before i got completely off track (a habit of mine), i guess i wanted to say that right now, today, there is a shaking and a shifting and a clearing away going on in so many people's lives...seperating the wheat from the chaff...examining their lives and holding close the good and that which rings true, and perhaps packing away that which no longer fits. sometimes gently and wistfully. sometimes a little kick to the curb. like habits...like my smoking. like, sometimes relationships that aren't life-giving. sad to say it happens. what's worse - continuing to poison one another or making a little distance for healthy growth? this is true with girlfriends, husbands, boyfriends, jobs, etc. And the discomfort and unease and kid-in-the-grocery-store-past-nap-time feeling some are having....perhaps it's a call from the Instructor to examine our own Intention...our own reason for the relationship...the job...the whatever is rubbing and chafing and causing discomfort...perhaps the reason for the discomfort is to call attention away from the business-as-usual approach to that area...and maybe the Intention going out, or coming in is not in alignment with your path...the fix is easier than easy. Find your Intention...focus on your Intention...Honor your Intention. if others come with dishonorable Intention, walk away. or Know it for what it is and accept it. don't let another's bad Intention, action, desires, etc, foul the pure air that is the breath you breathe in deeply to your core....now release it ....ahhhhhhhhh. L.

i've been up for hours. thinking. feeling. gauging. trying on different thoughts and feelings, turning this way and that in my mind's mirror to see which was most best. the change in seasons does that to me. as i pack away the capri pants and t-shirts, my spirit is also shaking things out and making a pile for Goodwill. or garbage. or To Keep. what still fits...what is best let go of...what will still be good & integral. much like that perfect pair of jeans you can always depend on to fit just right, some things Inside are perfect and wonderful and such a Basic to what makes me Me. some Things have been outgrown, and need to be recognized as such. i'm feeling that now is the time to spend some time quietly...thoughtfully...taking all the gifts of summer, and autumn, and really looking at them...how they've integrated...how they've changed Me...what doesn't ring true, and needs to get metaphorically folded and gotten rid of. cleaning house. space clearing. purging. call it what you may. but it's not so much a getting-rid-of as it is a time to appreciate every Good Thing that has come my way this year. the busy-ness has not allowed for thoughtful consideration or proper thankfulness. and the Goodnesses that have come deserve individual acknowledgement and full attention to how they have helped me on my path. and you have been a part of that Goodness. and i thank you. deeply. truly. with feelings that can't be expressed. you don't realize sometimes how a small kindness done without thinking and at the exact perfect moment can start a chain reaction that makes for an avalanche of Goodness that begins to spread out and reach others. so very cool indeed. i am so damn lucky to have each of you in my life. i must have done something uber-fantastic in another life. L.

Calling All...

as this autumn draws to a close, it seems a viral case of malaise has gripped so many...some stepping back from their blogs or public lives to curl in for a bit....to gather themselves around themselves like a big, comfy sweater...to get fetal for a bit, but think Big Girl thoughts...as the seasons begin to step forward yet again, Something has accompanied the chill in the air this year...an unease...a not-comfortable-with-where-i-am...so many feeling it...not a Total Change feeling, but more like Where To Now? what's the next step? So many feeling the feeling of change to come...so very like autumn to close in this way...feel excited along with the wariness. Change has a way of sending a Front Man ahead to open doors and find fertile ground...watch for it...this could be really good! how are you feeling these days? tired-ish? lost? afraid to take the next step? feeling like an imposter? or maybe fierce and warrior-like? able & strong? fearless? are you there? i miss you. L.

double dare ya

...not to laugh.... http://www.break.com/index/try-not-to-laugh.html now. also. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROSEPH! it's too nice to be inside staring at this box...so have a good afternoon...shalom y'all!

a PERFECT day

it was! perfect in every moment! i'll give you the details, because it was extra-ordinary and i don't want to spill a drop of it....when i woke up this morning, i had an inkling to go to canandaigua, but for some reason kept getting pulled to skaneateles. i was going to invite my neighbor, but just thought "no." so off i went into the glorious fall sunshine...the amber and reds screaming LOOK AT ME all along the back roads...me screaming loudly & out of tune to Jonatha Brooke Live (the CD - she wasn't in my car)...got to my favorite store on the lake and shopped like it was my job...found The Most Incredible Skirt and a bunch of other stuff. i love love love this store because they have clothes that FIT, clothes that are only found in THAT store, and clothes that are Way More Stylish than CNY. and they have a resident dog to play with. and yes it's pricey, but not as bad as you may think. so i feel like a thousand bucks when i leave there. okay, so shopping done...i need a chocolate skinny vodka valium latte just to believe my good fortune! pop in for a visit at my girlfriend's gallery and she wants to feature some of my work for the holidays! oh my head will explode! then another quick trip to the artist co-op, and they've decided to accept commission art and would i be interested? hmm. uh yep. so i head home before my pumpkin head goes all blammo. decided to go find a nice pair of brown boots to go with the swell skirt i got. oh! a detour on 321...down a skinny 1-and-a-half lane road with more hairpin curves than Nascar. whew out onto the real road. now right turn onto Route 5, and , and , and....car goes into a slow glide with no brakes, power steering or really much of anything. it comes to it's final rest just before someone's wide wide driveway, at the widest part of the shoulder for miles around. Luckily i still have the keytag from my mechanic on my keyring! i call and warn him that we've got a date...he's slammed he says...really busy. And you know, here i am in my car at the side of the road and i have a choice: i can get really really upset...or not. i choose Not. it's a beautiful day...i'm not late for anything...i'm safe...i have a cell phone and roadside assistance...so why get ticked? so i told my (only honest) mechanic to keep the car till monday (once i get it there). he kind of laughs, and is in a better mood. i get a tow truck there (finally) and no kidding - it's a company i used to send out when i worked at 911, and i always wanted to meet the driver! i'm not sure if it's the same one, so i introduce myself, and hurl myself caber-like into the passenger seat of the Huge flatbed tow/wrecker. the driver is the owner, Gastone, and soon we are chatting it up. i love Gastone because he is handsome, and is genuinely amused at my Quebecoise French, and not just thinking "stupid girl from America thinking she speaks french." During a momentary lull, he comments that i seem awfully happy for someone who's car is up high and looking in his back window (my words there). i said "There are worse things." so this put him in a good mood, since i wasn't going to be a shreak-er or cry-er or grumble-er. we talk about cars, and Garmins and stuff. now, my roadside assistance is provided free of charge from my car insurance...you get what you pay for. i fully expect to pay Big American bucks when we arrive the 20 minute drive to my Honest But Frazzled Mechanic. he says "sign here and we're even." to my shocked look, he said i'd put him in such a good mood, it was worth more than what he could have charged me. the Pumpkinhead is about to blow! i mean, it was a Perfect day already...then THAT! i mean, yes - my car broke down. bummer. BUT - if it had happened 5 minutes sooner (literally), i would have been careening down hairpin curves on a 90-degree slant with no steering or brakes. if it had happened 5 minutes later, there wouldn't have been anywhere for the tow truck to turn around & get in position. i was safe, it was beautiful out, it was quiet in my car. as a result of my attitude choice, at least 2 other people got smiles in their hearts. AND i still have the perfect skirt and other stuff! so you tell me....wasn't it a perfect, lucky day? L.

so here i am...procrastinating. it's just that my project, CrowWoman is really ticking me off....she isn't telling me what i need to know in order to finish her...in fact, i'm pretty much stalled, yet i feel like i want to dig in and work on her. she's majestic....but naked. frustrating. last night i went to bed at 8:30 (ahh the joys of having the house to myself!) after feeling overwhelmingly nauceous from the chantix. woke up at 2:30am ...made some coffee, with all intentions of working in my studio. let diva out and hit the studio with an idea for a fiber piece. after i cut the fabric for the base, i heard this muffled sound...not scary, but persistant. i followed the sound back to my room with my big, empty, cozy king-sized bed, and LO! it was my pillow! i could distinctly hear it now, saying "come back to bed...just for a minute...pleeeeeze!" what could i do? i mean, my pillow was begging BEGGING i tell you. so i got back into bed for a minutefewhours. re-woke at 9-ish and re-began my decision-making process on CrowWoman. in order to trick my mind into solution-izing, i decided to busy the brain elsewhere...my other decision...yes, it's time for haircut trauma. and in the grand sceme of life - not even a speck of a fleck of matter on the Importance Scale. so - the perfect distraction. and in fairness, i'll probably just drive down the street to the same old same old haircut, color, blowdry & hives. (i don't know what she uses, but it's itch-producing). yes i know i'm rambling like an idiot. i'm PROCRASTINATING. but enough. i'll try a power walk. and stop boring you. oy. what a disconnected day so far. i need a quiet circle around me ...that'll do the trick. ok - off to make that happen. L

so it's a beautiful fall day. no...actually, it's one of the most magnificent fall days ever contrived by Nature. ever. yesterday was pretty spectacular as well...the maples starting to show off their intense yellows, oranges and reds, as only a maple can do. i took myself out arting yesterday - the art guild i used to be a member of had their show, then i went to the potter's in the village to see some amazing altered books in her gallery. today...a long walk with diva, then some wonderfully relaxing & productive studio time - broken up with bits of play time for diva. luckily i can transport this sculpture outside to work on. SO you picture me here smiling and blissed-out, right? au contraire. i decided to rest my arms and check in on some other blogs. i came across a video someone made at Squam. at the end, there was this: because once you are seen for who you really are, you can never go back to a half dimmed life... you matter. you are enough. shine on. Damn. the emotions surfaced again. tears spilled down my cheeks. a full honking tissue rescue ensued. the gentle push...the quiet guidance...again the path of least resistance is shown for it's bramble-covered, moss-slippery reality...a paintbrush is no machete to clear back overgrown vines that strangle the path...and yet, so nearby so faraway, the sandy delight of smooth stones and seashells lead to the warm breezes and shushhing surf...ignorance may not be bliss, but...

check this out... http://www.geh.org/parkeharrison/index.htm 2 words to describe this: a-mazing! sorry about the cut & paste...it is indeed worth the old school effort! L.

i am not alone

before you get all weepy and sentimental...read on. now, y'all know how i feel about kids - teenagers in specific, right? so tonight i snap the news on for a brief moment, and there's a story about a Huge Oops in Wording in a Nebraska law...the one that a lot of other states have where you can drop a newborn off at a safe place with no consequence? that law? newborn? okay so far. except NEBRASKA'S law accidentally reads "child," not "newborn" or "infant" or "very very young human usually under the age of, oh say, a week-ish". just says "child." so in Nebraska, 1 hospital has experienced 17 drop-offs. all teenagers. now in Real Life, this is sad that a family would come to that. especially in the area where Boystown has it's roots. (1 family alone was responsible for 9 drop offs). but looking at from a someone myopic, sideways-kinda perspective, somebody somewhere in Nebraska had to have spellchecked, edited, re-checked and photocopied that particular piece of legislation at least a dozen times before pronouncing it fit for publishing, so i have to think...it's not just me. speaking of which They're home for a brief, yet distruptive visit till sunday. wish us all luck! L. oh hell - it starts - the dog just barfed from commotion. i could just turn MYSELF in to Nebraska. i'm still considered someone's child, right? off to shopvac. L.

flashback

while looking for something else, i found this.... yes. me. before. that was my first thought..."before." "before what?" the brain asked. the heart said, "shush." the mouth called diva over for pets and busied the hands with puppybelly rubs. the mind rolled across endless asphalt to the woods in NH. Thank you for seeing me.

some new stuff

a little blurry...sorry...

the Grandmothers

yesterday, my friend Deb & I went to beautiful Ithaca to see The Grandmothers speak (http://www.womensgathering.com/the_grandmothers). With all that wisdom, i had high hopes of enlightenment. not so much, though, i must say. maybe later in the week at other events. each Grandmother spoke for 5 minutes, and really....not a real lot was said. but ohhh...the faces! the eyes. the hands. there was one woman (a daughter of a grandmother) who i felt totally drawn to...couldn't take my eyes off her...there was such a beautiful spirit about her...and all at once she turned her head and stared right at me, as if she felt my eyes. i wasn't sure it was ME she was looking at - there were plenty of other people around, and i tend to think i'm invisible. but when she looked at me, the pure love that came across made me tear up and smile....and she smiled the biggest smile back. THAT'S how i knew. i nick-named her Keeper of the Kleenex...she seemed to have a never-ending supply of kleenex in her bag, and whenever someone onstage needed one, she'd haul out a handsome handful! Audrey Shenendoah (from our Onondagas) was invited, and she spoke briefly, welcoming the Grandmother's into her Nation's Territory. She thanked them for recognizing her, and inviting her to be there. She said, so often, people will come from other tribes into their Nation territory and never acknowledge them. That just put the whole thing about sovereignty and the different Nations into snap-perspective for me. having grown up in an area surrounded by 5 Nations, i tend to think, "oh - the Res." But in that moment it crystallized for me that these were a group of people who are a nation within a nation...oh...hard to explain. ok - what if neighbors from 2 streets away showed up and had a block party on our street because theirs was being paved? and didn't invite any of us? that's the simplest i can get it. my cousin-in-law is dating the Tadadaho (spiritual leader) of the Onondagas, and i was incredibly blessed to meet him at husband's granma's 97th birthday party a few weeks ago. so all this is very cool and circling some conclusion or point in my life. not sure what. i feel a ramble coming on, so i'll just shut up. speaking of grandmothers...diva is staying overnight again at Camp Grandma! i have the house to myself and fully intend to work on CrowWoman. i say "intend." we'll see ....enjoy the pictures! L.

the eagle has landed

(SEE SEPT 30th) oh and PS - the package has been delivered! Thank you Fedex, and thank you T.Parker Front Desk for signing for it - whoever you are. now, as promised ...CANDY. L.

save the chickens/mystery date candidate

okay - i promise i will eventually get to the point, but it's a winding road...you expect nothing less from me, don't pretend surprise. i have a plan to save the chickens. this is the time of year when our thoughts and passions seemed super-tuned on politics. i feel this from all around, as i have had my email box jammed with well-meaning friends' warnings and counter-warnings about different candidates. (i know y'all mean well, but please stop. or at least verify the legitimacy of the article before clicking it around the world. that's just bad manners). so anyway back to my Plan. it seems that each candidate spends an inordinate amount of time buffling and retracting and defending, and it's hard to get a bead on what exactly their plan is to un-boondoggle this mess. so...we scrap the whole system and do it my way. anyone, and i mean anyone, who wants to throw their hat into the ring will submit a typed, double-spaced and spell-checked paper on what their concerns are for the country and how they would resolve them. in detail. the names are exchanged for "candidate #1, candidate #2" etc. No One knows who they are. a special publication is distributed to every man/woman/child/beast in the land. we can also have a moderator read each paper over the course of a few days on national TV...we can pre-empt 2 night's shows. we really can. pretend it's the Olympics. so, now anyone who has made any type of effort will have the candidates views, plans, etc available. find one that makes sense and vote for them. done. simple. no political advertising allowed. just this double-blind method. anyone caught divulging identities is kicked out. now to my point...since there are virtually no costs involved, due to the No Campaigning rule, and No Advertising rule, think of all the over-priced fund-raising dinners that won't need to be held. most of them consisting of a nice vegetable in season, a potato of some sort, and yes...chicken. so that, my friends, is how we will save the chickens. make sense? L.