just breathe

this is sunset on my Lake...completely unretouched or photoshopped....just Nature showing off! you can't help but just stare and breathe deep of it's majesty. wednesday, mom & i are heading back there. she loved it! The calm of the water sounds is better medicine than i can almost bear. this week heralds a few landmarks: my brother has been invited. and it is also the last official vacation day i have for the year. so a decision must be made....to continue taking wednesdays off could put my job status in jeopardy. to stop taking mom-time would be so very wrong. not just the new-found friendmother i've come to know, but the feeling of "i can get through this" i now have at my job....i mean, every day is either a thursday or a friday when you have wednesday off, right? the time is too sacred to me to waste. and such a backward step it would be to give this time up. okay, i guess that's solved! my brother had hinted that he wanted to join us. since it was, technically mother/daughter time, i thought he should get his own day of the week with her. but i posed the thought to her, and she felt it would be okay this week. so wednesday, the 3 of us will head to the double-secret spot by the Lake. mom with her sporty new Croc shoes. the sheer vastness of the Lake brings intimacy. my wish is for a healing of hearts and an opening of communications - in that quiet, subtle way that is oh so very sweet and balming. a nice quiet restful time for souls and minds and thoughts. to lay it at the waters edge and let the waves pull it out and bury it for all time. mmmm. it feels like another tasty day. eat it up. L.

my Lake!

my wednesday date with mom was absolutely perfect! after 2 weeks of threatened rain, we decided to throw caution to the wind and go anyway. 8am, we drove to the double-secret-secluded spot and set up our chairs on the Lake's edge. just 1 small patch of sand to share. it was perfect. as the waves teased in to the shore, our chairs sunk lower and lower, but we didn't notice, or care. pantlegs rolled up, shoes and socks thrown behind us, gulls screeching above, we closed our eyes and just breathed the moment into our souls. i had bought a disposable camera weeks ago with the intention of capturing our wednesdays together, but have found that it would do them a disservice. how do you record such memories? how would it be possible to capture such spirit on mere film? to look back at the pictures would surely diminish the memories woven into our hearts with golden thread. it's been 50 years since the umbilical cord was cut, but the same tie remains - each giving and taking life from one another...understandings and shared stories strengthening and aligning...ah ha - that's where my gypsy spirit comes from...maybe some art from this one or sensitivity from that one or a quick temper with those who impede. but all that aside, to be able to freely love the one who gave me life is unexplainable gift. it's funny - no earth-shattering conversations take place...no confronting the past or judging the present. it's as if we were both finally ready to simply accept the other as they were...the parts we liked, the parts that annoyed us, the parts we wished would changed. all one. part of the same gift. we talk of nothing, or talk of family history - the way back history. not our history together, so much. that had periods of such pain and confusion and bad behavior. there was a choice: confront and have a tearful, emotional coming to terms, or simply silently forgive and move on - enjoy the time that's left. i chose to move on. to re-visit the past would serve no purpose now. 30 years too late for that. and really, who cares anymore? has nothing significant happened in either of lives since then? we talk of positive things and feelings about ourselves and our lives and goals and wishes and dreams. we talk of nothing. and everything. as the waves lap at our feet, calming, pulling at us to be more than we are...leave the sand on the beach, the crumbs to the gulls, adventure out of ourselves and be more. reach higher. expect more. give more. yes - take more. the sun rose high and strong above us, and we shook the sand from rolled pantlegs and rinsed between our toes. packing up was much slower than unpacking. we walked in silence, heavily laden with heart-shaped rocks and smooth stones from the shore. the drive home, too quick. more hugs at the driveway than i remember in the past 30 years. making up time. our silent promises to each other. gifts of cards hidden in purses to be found by the other later in the day. a plan to return next week. to let the waves cleanse our minds and souls and baptise us in the spirit of one another...mother and child...mother and daughter...a daughter's daughter grown with a daughter of her own - wishing she had had these times with her own mother. friends. at last, friends.

coming soon....

yep it's true...i'll be teaching a workshop in beautiful downtown Bridgeport! Altered Book Shrines. sept 15th from 11-2ish. i made 2 samples up - my usual down n dirty distressed looking book, and then tried really really hard to do a "nice" one with pinks and buttons and glittery foofy stuff. it came out .....okay. maybe a little better than okay, but it's hard for me to judge, being the junk-meister that i am. anyway, space is very limited, so if you have an interest, call the store ...Stampin N Scrappin Time. This should be a lot of fun! I tried to use my neighbors jigsaw to cut through a hard-cover book and about 200 pages of inside stuff, and BLAMMO! it caught fire. very cool indeed, but a little theatrical for an indoor class, so we'll stick to soft cover books. anyway, i am totally wiped out right now...am on antibiotics (which i hate taking) and the side effects from those are less than appetizing. i managed to get away with just 2 days at work this week! a very good week, if i must say. wednesday with mom was short & sweet...we had breakfast at a diner, then sat by the river watching geese (which demanded food, then bit us when we had none) and a heron, and some baby ducks...all going about their busy morning. so peaceful. it made me homesick for my Lake. it's funny, here we are - 2 grown women acting like birds that have been caged so long....the door is finally left open, and we don't know where to fly first, so we stand on the perch looking out. not leaving. but it's been good...we needed time to adjust to, and enjoy our new views of each other before adding the distraction of an adventure. the clouds have been threatening the past 2 wednesdays, so we stayed close to home. next wednesday - the Lake! no matter what. it was mom's choice. it's been time well spent after we part ways for the day, also. i've been purging through my studio like a woman on a mission...many bags of stuff went to the curb. it's kind of like an archaeology trip -sifting through years of papers and stickers and art supplies that have been on hand for 10 years or so....i look at some things and wonder who bought this? my style has changed so much. as have the materials i use. funny, how part of the day i purge the demons of the past with mom, and the rest of the day i've been purging my art stuff. traveling light? not really....because in each instance, something new replaces something tossed. all good in both cases. i'm afraid i won't have enough time to finish all the work i want to do. the ideas come rushing and demanding to be brought to life. i need more time. more space. in my life, i've been making room...clearing away the stuff that no longer has usefulness to me...out to the curb with decorative papers and glittery glues along with aught feelings and old resentments. in both sets of piles, i'm glad to give it a kick and a shove. room to breathe and grow and experience. new skin healing over old wounds. sort of a life-exfoliation, for the spa minded among us. diva dog is at camp Grandma's for the night. i'll miss her entirely. she's felt slighted the past few weeks as i've been so focused on clearing and creating. every so often i feel a paw tapping at my knee, and she looks at me with hope for a hug. so we snuggle for a few minutes - never enough for her, of course. our nighttime routine always includes a belly rub for her, in exchange for a thorough hand washing for me (doggie style of course). she has taught me such patience....she has so many issues and needs, coming from her rescued background. yet she's learned to trust me, and love me. she senses a person's inner intentions, i think. there are some people that she does not like. period. and fears, even though they've never done anything to warrant her fear. they just send out angry vibes to her. that has taught me a lot too. people sense the same things, just more muted. dogs don't have the distractions of life that we do. but right now, i'm distracted by the thought of my pillow. an early morning will call. sleep well, y'all. L

monday monday

so it's monday...but really thursday for me, since i have wednesday off. what a great thought! hubby is out of town, and all weekend i kept dreaming of having the house to myself. au contraire. stepson decided to stay with the visitation schedule (even tho the vist-ee was gone) and thinks he'll be staying here this week. hmm. puts me in an interesting position. tell him to go to his mom's, and look like The Evil One, or suck it up since he'll be gone most of the time (theoretically). something about a no-parents-home house and 18 year olds who just graduated...don't mix. we'll see. maybe i'll invite my mom over with her church ladies to hold a revival in the livingroom at high noon! sounding better. my neighbors just had a baby. actually, the wife did all the work, but the baby lives with them both. they also have a 2-year old that the entire neighborhood claims as their own...it takes a cul-de-sac to raise a child. the neighbors are tired and cranky with each other. the baby fusses. isn't it amazing how 1 life can effect everyone around it? hmm. i wonder what effect i've had, if any, on the places i've worked or the people i've met? there are people i've only met once, but have had such a profound effect on me, or made such a difference in my outlook, that i'd invite them to my surprise birthday party. (the event of my life). there is one girl that i met at an art event last year that just "took." no, no...she wasn't an emotional "taker".... something about her just clicked with my spirit. i consider her "friend" even tho i've never seen her since. it makes me careful to think about the effect i leave behind. my stepson's current favorite cliche is "i'm just leavin' my footprints...nothing else." (well, except dirty dishes in the sink and load upon load of laundry). don't we all "just leave our footprints" for others to follow or veer away from? think about a person you considered a role model. what was it about them that made you want to reach a little higher to be like them? what was it about them that made you want to be your best self? there are people i have met, and really tried to like. and just couldn't. i wish them no ill, but i just become a cranky crabby nasty person when i think of them. they are not terrible people...in fact a lot of people think they're wonderful. but something about them just rubs me the wrong way. it happens. so, do we go thru life trying to be all things to all people? no. that would be incredibly hard and fake...just be your best self...that's all we're charged with doing. that best self was put here for a reason. just like gears that fit together to make a machine run...this one fits with that one. if 1 gear gets a burr or a crack, suddenly it doesn't fit, and the machine doesn't run. so trying to be something you aren't "doesn't fit." i spent years thinking my art wasn't good enough because it wasn't like this one or that one. figured i'd never have talent. it was when i realized that i have my own art, my own voice, my own spirit to express...well, that's when the magic happened. do i copy other artists? never. but i do continue to grow and experiment with new techniques and materials. i may pick up a tip from someone else, but the result HAS to have my voice, or it just doesn't work. same with people. you learn from one or another, good or bad, but you incorporate that lesson into what is already perfect - yourself. i tried to explain to hubby that i was glad i didn't marry "a husband." a person trying to fulfill a role they thought they needed to be in. i'm not sure if he got it. in a family, there's always "the good kid" the "bad kid" the "artist" the "smart one" the ...whatever. athlete. shy one. you get the point. and once you're typecast, it's hard to break out of that role. it's funny when i see friends from years past...how they relate to me...how they seem uncomfortable when i react differently than they expect. my friend in new york is probably still amazed that i ever came to vist her when she lived in texas since i could barely make it across town without having a panic attack when she lived here. (follow all that?) i missed out on a lot then, but learned about boundaries too. physical and emotional. drink it all in, but only go back for seconds on the good stuff. you could say there is no "bad" since it only becomes a lesson. these past few months have been like a crash course in "me." i finally got to know myself, not the person i "should" be, and now have a chance to get to know those around me in a much deeper way. all those years as a reporter - asking probing questions to the unwilling - taught me how to listen. i just got tired of it and stopped. now i can listen with true intentions, and it's energizing. speaking of tired, diva dog is barking me to the bedroom. that dog knows how to tell time, and 9pm is her bedtime. that's when she gets on the bed and starts trying to lure me in with an exposed fuzzy belly. if that doesn't work, the barking begins. so off to comfort 4paws o' love. sorry to ramble and redirect so much tonight....just wanted to touch base with no particular place to go. sleep well.....L

BEHOLD

my favorite word for today...BEHOLD! makes you stop and look around, eh? not a word that fits easily into most conversations, but one of those cool words you roll around on your mental tongue like a root beer barrel. you can't just go around yelling "BEHOLD!" unless you work at the Renaissance Fair. i have been a word-o-phile since i can remember. when i was young - even before my brother came to torment my life - (kidding bro) - we didn't have 2 nickels to rub together to make a dime, so my mom and i would walk to the nearby library and get a stack of books. we'd sit outside in the summer, or in this floppy barcalounger with the stack beside us and she'd read read read. a high energy misbehaving child such as myself could be easily tamed with a few words..."one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish." dr.suess has been elevated to sainthood by many a mother in the 50's and early 60's. horton hears a who....hop on pop....green eggs and ham....all good friends of mine thanks to those suessian summers. so i began reading early. and books became friends, and travel machines - taking me to places in my mind - alongside Nancy Drew (but not the real scary ones), albert einstein, mrs. who & mrs. which & mrs. where (wrinkle in time). words were, and are, so important and tasty...a new word could be savored and tried on for size. descriptive words like "popcorn" - now who doesn't hear it popping and smell the butter when you hear that word? later, in my teens, words could be used to show just how cool i was, or how angry - those 4-letters could really make a statement. it's funny how language changes...some words fall out of fashion, or become obsolete. new technology replaces old technology, so the words needed to convey ideas about the old are tossed along with them....when was the last time you "churned" butter? that word is still useful in other applications, but i bet the user has no clue about the butter thing. remember when we'd "dial up" a friend? dial phones....now try to describe THAT to a teenager. the first push button princess phones...i remember them well. it seems that "old fashioned" speech was much more formal...much more polite, for the most part. now, with words hitting you from every angle, words - and talk - is literally cheap. (my current cell bill aside). need to get ahold of someone? fax, phone, cell phone, text message, page, sky page, instant cell connection, IM, email...remember sitting down to write a letter? weighing your thoughts and words and practicing your handwriting? having to actually lick an envelope, buy a stamp, and get the letter to the mailman? in a few days, or a week, the letter would reach it's destination. what you wrote had better have staying power....so you were careful with your words. you may not get the opportunity to take them back for another few weeks. so BEHOLD! look around! what do you see?

follow your peas

okay...ahhhhhh. nice deep breath. whenever i hear the phrase "follow your peace," i think "peas" instead, for a funny visual of a girl walking behind a row of animated green peas. which brings me to my point....or at least headed in that general direction. have you ever misplaced something important? like car keys? or a shoe? you're frantically searching high and low, and inevitably SOMEone says "where did you last see it?" and you want to commit a high felony upon their selves. my friend had a grampa who was constantly misplacing his glasses. and they were always on his head, hooked behind his ears. she'd see him patting his pockets and looking around and she'd say, "grampa...head." and he'd reach for his forehead area and there they were. (her kids grew up calling him "Grampa Head" because they heard that phrase so often they thought it was his name. i had an uncle "sam the garbage," but that's another story). well, my friend Brenda has been the repository of many a frantic late night and early morning, and mid morning and afternoon call. usually they start out with "i don't know what to do....this is huge." after listening to me babble and freak for a while, she will inevitably come up with some incredibly wonderful, logical 1-liner that makes the whole situation shrink down to a manageable size. about 10 years ago, her advise on a particular topic was "follow your peace, Linny." so basically, this whole wednesday off/quit my job, art vs "real" job dilemma came back to following my peace. so...where was the last time i felt the peace? when i decided to take wednesdays off ...period. so that's my decision. till the middle of august anyway. then my vacation time runs out and hopefully by then i'll have a clearer idea of my path. with that relief in my heart and head, i can now enjoy my time. the 1st wednesday was wonderful. i had planned a picnic breakfast in my secret spot by my Lake. unfortunately, Mother Nature planned a major thunderstorm in that very same spot. we compromised and went to Denny's and then i showed mom my dream house (which is now for sale!). i gave her a notebook for her thoughts, and she gave me her heart...as we pulled into the driveway back home, she said she wanted to share her deepest darkest secret wish ...the thing she would do if she could do it all over again. scared that i might laugh or tell her all the reasons it would never have been possible or logical or valid, she rambled through a lengthy preface before getting to the heart of the matter. (sound familiar?). i was so shocked by her wish, that i couldn't think of a thing to say. i would have never guessed. ever ever. never. but it involved work in another country. so i promptly went to Barnes & Noble and bought her a laminated full-color map of the country. tied a bow around it and left it by diva dog's leash. when she saw it the next day, she was thrilled that she had been heard. i mean, who's to say? maybe she is/was needed in that country doing the work she dreamt of? there are plenty of people that "know" me that would be shocked that i worked in radio. or am an artist. or ever found anyone with the patience to be married to me for more than a minute. so far my mother has taught me: don't ever discount other people's dreams, and don't ever ever stop loving them. never. school's out. be blessed. L.

sideways and flyin'

sorry about the sideways pic in my last post...i was trying to hurry before the HUGE storm blew through, and selected the wrong picture. the right one is the same one, but you don't have to turn your computer on the side to see it correctly. so where were we? oh - flyin' ....through life that is. lately. as Paulo Coelho says in his book The Alchemist..."beginner's luck." it's when everything in the entire universe seems to line up perfectly and logically for you....the weeds and tall grasses part like the Red Sea, and your path is cleared.....then you hit the weeds again. not as high, though. but you have to stay very focused on the path to see where you need to be. a misstep could lead to another path, not necessarily ruin and desctruction, but a different path. after seeing the castle at the end of this path, i can tell you it's where i want to be. true to myself. my self. inner me. the heart, the soul, the spirit in me that makes me ...me. in church i was taught that the Holy Spirit lives in me. dwells in me. has taken up residence with no forwarding address or plans to move...in me. where have i been taking that spirit? what has it heard me say and feel? as much as it grieves a parent to see their child suffer needlessly, i believe my spirit has suffered. i have been given such wonderful gifts for use in my life. and i haven't respected them or used them. that is the shame here. have you ever given someone something for Christmas or a birthday that you spent days looking for? you were sure this was to be the gift of gifts....it would show the person how much you cared about them - that you bought them something they would put to good use, or get such joy from having. and they clearly didn't have the reaction you had hoped for. that's the same feelings i'm talking about here. my art...and not so much even the physical representation of the object i make, but the spirit that it touches as it's being made...that is the thing being squashed down here. i quandry back and forth within myself...feeling so strongly that i "gotta be me," then equally as unsure if i'm not just being selfish. people have to work in order to have houses and cars and things. but what if they could do with less? or what if they actually "succeeded" even more? what if the work they needed to do in order to be the person they were put here to be has nothing to do with timeclocks and cubicles and computers and such? what if their office were, instead, the world? the culmination of emotions and scents and tactile experiences from any given day rolled into a piece of artwork? would that be so bad? so selfish? so undeserving of a notion? do only the spouces of the wealthy get the luxury of being artists or actors or writers or fill-in-the-non traditional-blank. am i lazy? not a chance. but i do know that my spirit is energized to the point of mania when i am in the zone - making art. have you ever watched a guitar string after it's been plucked? the vibration is what makes the beautiful tone...theoretically. i say this with full knowledge that an 18-year old with a new guitar and Tom Petty on the brain can dissolve that metaphor in 2 notes. but let's see past that. so once again, i re-argue the same points with myself....that i AM an artist. that my art is worthy of being made. that i am worthy of making my life as an artist, and not a customer service rep for a very scary dental operation. so where's the problem? oh....same old fear. not of failure. fear of reaction and retribution. and roadblocks being thrown up. do i feel like i need permission? yes. why? training? hmmm...maybe worth a look. today - the 1st wednesday with mom - my mother told me her biggest dissapointment was that she never got a chance to realize her most secret deep down dream. it's her secret, so i can't tell you, but in order for her to attain that dream now would take some doing. i will never be the one to say "it's too late" but if you knew the secret, you'd almost think the same thing. sometimes it is too late for our dreams. i don't want that to happen to me. you can get to a point when your body says it's too much - it just is asking too much of flesh and bone. it made me sad, not just for her, but also for myself, that i almost let the same thing happen to me for the same reasons. a person who doesn't believe in you. an important person in your life - either emotionally or legally. or both, i guess. i am my mother's daughter in so many ways. but this is not a way i want to follow. compromise is an option, but on my terms. so many opportunities have crossed onto my path lately...in the past few weeks, actually. i have to stay focused on the path, and follow them. i mean, a castle at the end.....what's not to love about that? L.

so what have i been up to?

if you've followed this blog for any amount of time, you may have noticed my running obsession with Time. the idea of time....how i spend my time....wasting time....how time changes a person or thing, etc. well, sometimes, time runs short. that is the beating-around-the-bush message i've been getting from my mother, now that i've "taken time" to listen. who knows? is it just a hunch? a feeling? is it right or wrong? i hope wrong. but meanwhile, if that's the message she wants me to have, then that message needs to be respected. so i've taken steps to insure that "lost time" is made up for. beginning next week, i'll be taking wednesdays off work in order to have "mom time." the thought came to me quietly, yet insistantly, over the past week. actually, thursday morning i awoke with the thought that i don't have "enough time" to see & do all the things i wanted. so throughout the day, a running list of things i would like to "spend more time on" kept weaving through my day. one of those things was "spending time" with my new-found mom. how would we ever get to coordinate our schedules? i needed to have "more time" as it is with my art. the becky home ec-y stuff was in a sad state. the only thing on my list that was "stealing" most of my time like a robber was work. by thursday evening, it was clear that i needed to modify my schedule. there would have to be a shifting of how i "spend my time" from things that will be more permanent (a job - somewhere) to things that will not be. it was surprisingly easy to decide. it felt very very right, and in the flow of the Journey. before i could even start rolling the mental tape with worries about money, or husbandly recriminations, a large insistant thought dominated..."The money will come." and with that thought came such a peaceful reassurance. as i headed toward the doors at work on friday, i knew i had to let my boss know that morning. a nano-second of financial panic started, but "the money will come" shoved it aside. 2 steps later, the warm sun glinted off something on the pavement. a nickel. an omen. i approached the director and told her "i've been given a wonderful gift." she was excited for me and asked what. I said i had been given the gift of time. i told her my mother had been indicating to me that she felt her time is short, and she would like to spend more of it with me. what deeper love is there, then to share something so precious that's in such short supply? i explained that beginning next week, i would have to modify my work week to dis-include wednesdays. meanwhile, i was secretly amazed at my boldness to take this step. and the calm clarity of it all. it was absolutely logical and right, even though on the face of it (given my current situation) illogical and very wrong. and wonder of wonders, she understood immediately and completely. we talked of other options, such as working longer hours on the other 4 days, or a saturday, but none of that seemed right. it may make more sense sometime, but not now. i needed to be fresh and rested and centered for mom-time. who knows what the bigger bosses will think? but i am serving a Boss who's bigger yet, and i have confidence that this move will only bring prosperity in one way or the other. i worried how husband would react, and admit i haven't told him yet. my neighbor (also in a fast cab on her Journey) said she has a Feeling that he will be fine with it. it is. it just is. this is where i need to be right now. i hope he understands, but i can't change what i know to be right. to do so would be disrespectful to Time. mom & i are giddy with plans....i want to show her my Lake - from the secret spot - at sunrise. we plan daytrips to corning glass, and learning how to bake bread, and more knitting. maybe some days, just early breakfast and then part for the day to our own devices. but that day will be sacred to one another. such a gift i've been given. i am unable to express my gratitude in thoughts or words of this earth. grateful also for the circumstances that have put me in a mindset to see and hear the call of the sweet gentle voice telling me that although you can "spend" time, and "waste" time, and time can be "stolen" and "made".....you can never "save" time to "spend" at your convenience. there is no shelf life on time. it is, then it's gone. evry passing moment, is a moment that has passed. it won't return, and it cannot be saved for later use. so the Journey continues....i walk the path not knowing what is to come, but grateful for the guidance along the way, and from time to time, the sweet smell of the rightness of it all. L.

addictions & reflections

i am a person of addictions. good ones and bad ones. but there are just certain things i cannot live without. cigarettes, as you may have read earlier, unfortunately are one. but the good ones outweigh the bad-for-you ones. magazines. i must have hundreds piled around my house, despite semi-regular purgings. early early mornings, though not necessarily an addiction, are an essential part of my days off. 4am, 5am. when i'm the only person awake in the whole world. me and little diva dog, that is. and eventually birds and squirrels and chipmunks. the other is books. i have to have at least 2 good books at the ready. if i'm getting near the end of one, and don't have the next one picked out yet, it makes me uncomfortable. so it stands to reason, given the volume of volumes i read, i'll end up with a "sacred selection" of books that are like best friends. i'll never lend them (sorry), and keep them in a special place of honor next to my bed. today i went to Barnes & Noble and grabbed one with an interesting title. can i tell you....this is the Book of Books. the read of a lifetime. sacred of sacred books. you MUST go now and get it. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. even the title fits with my current life...my favorite artist, Michael DeMeng, talks about being an alchemist in his new book. i came across a real find recently at a junk shop - an old alchemist cabinet. so the whole alchemy thing is voodoo-ing it's way thru my life. i'm only on page 29 and can tell this is a call-in-sick-to-work book. here's part of the prologue (you remember the story about Narcissus - the boy who knelt at the lake every day to gaze at his own beautiful reflection? one day he fell in and drowned and a flower grew in that very spot. here's where we join up...) When Narcissus died, the goddess of the forest appeared and found the lake, which had been fresh water, transformed into a lake of salty tears. 'why do you weep?' the goddess asked. 'I weep for Narcissus,' the lake replied. 'Ah, it is no surprise that you weep for him, for although we always pursued him in the forest, you alone could contemplate his beauty close at hand.' 'But...was Narcissus beautiful?' the lake asked. 'Who better than you to know that,' replied the goddess in wonder. ' after all, it was by your banks that he knelt each day to contemplate himself.' The lake was silent for some time. Finally it said : 'I weep for Narcissus, but i never noticed he was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depth of his eyes, my own beauty reflected." to add my own comments now would be disruptive. go. read. L.

happy independance

life lately has been handing me lemonade...the sour part sqeezed out and sweetly chillin' in a glass with a little mint thingie floating on top. i feel freedom from the nasties that seemed to dog me and drag me to a standstill. a quiet confidence in myself, and in things to come. a great anticipation fills me, and i know that just around the bend there are some wonderful and amazing things about to happen. one of those things - i'm teaching a workshop! details to come, but i'm very excited about it. meanwhile, along with this bubbling anticipation has come a quiet center. this, my 50th year, seems to have taken the reflection and inner solitude, and formed it into the person i was meant to be. day by day i am coming to know (and like) the person i am becoming. maybe i always was. years of old paint and frills stripped away to the essential blank wall on which the original structure was built. in the past weeks as i came to know my mother, i learned more about myself...how and why i react the way i do in situations. fears i inherited and learned and have discarded. now free to feel and love, reject or discount things as i see them...not as i "should" or "shouldn't." as the eve of the 4th of July arrives, so too has my own independance. from the old. from opinions and obstacles. from fears and uncertainties. from myself as i was...toward the self that i was meant to be. tomorrow i'll head to my Lake to watch the waves break across the rocky shoreline...listen to gulls screech - maybe this is the year they'll trust the food in my hand...to thousands of ladybugs in need of rescue...and butterflies alight on the dunes. sunrise or sunset? yet to be determined. but guaranteed to fill my soul. L.