the "s" word

hard to believe....just when nature was rubbing her eyes and waking up from a looong sleep...bam! more snow! how much more remains to be seen, but if the weather reports are to be believed, then it'll be piled high. oh well...perfec time to get some reading done i suppose. it's almost 1pm and i'm still in my jammies....diva dog got her shot yesterday and was up every 2 hours running for the door to go out. poor baby. thankfully i have today to nap. i've been working on a few crafty type projects while a large mixed media piece rambles and pings off my brain cells. till it settles in long enough to get a glimpse, there's nothing to do but wait. i figured if i kept my hands busy with some form of art, then it would help. nothing like the smell of Golden gel medium in the morning! i'm reading the most hilarious book "Hypocrite in a White Poufy Dress." it's a memoir of sorts. not mine, but someone's. the author tells about being a kid who wants to be Miss America, a ballerina, Batgirl, and to win the Nobel Prize in coloring. her parents are hippies and are okay with all this. very funny. not the usual "man did me wrong" memoir. which got me thinking (in between the pinging and rambling of the art piece - very noisy). why is it that women's time seems to be marked by the man they were with, or what stage of getting over a man they are, or how to live without a man, or whatever man-ness is the flavor of the moment? why can't more women write a memoir telling about their accomplishments and maybe some struggles, but without the man-bashing, man-dependancy, man-whatever whatever whatever....? i guess for the same reason i whine about my husband in this very blog from time to time. are we as women hardwired to be the helpers and keepers? or is it a learned thing? i would think that any girlchild born after the late 70's would have thrown off all the "learned" behaviors, but still it seems like when push-comes-to-shove, it's still women who are cleaning the carpet and doing the laundry. now this is most definately NOT a rant about feminism or women's rights....more of an observation on the people i know, and the things i've noticed in life. maybe i'm right....maybe i should get out more...who knows? but it does seem to me that there is an unequal number of books by women that hinge on their relationship - good or bad - with a man. again...just an observation, not a political statement. so back to my original weather stuff....enjoy the ladybugs here....i miss them! every year they swarm my Lake and i spend hours walking the shore "saving" the little ones that got too close to the waterline. i usually end up with little orange and red speckles crawling all over me! sort of like chicken pox meets St. Vitus dance? L.

anniversaries and calendars

so here it is....next week will be the 1 year anniversary of losing Bear, with the same time marked for Kita coming up close behind. it got me thinking about the past year....time has seemed to move so fast, yet when measured day-by-day has moved ever so slowly. what have i done of significance in the past year? have i become a better person? a different person? have i stretched my boundaries any? which ones? how am i different? these questions roll around and crash against my thoughts like a penny in a tin can. i feel like i've stagnated, yet when i look at the art i've created, i realize that i have grown in that regard. i am more comfortable in what comes from my hands, yet i strive for more. good thing. have i become a better person? no, i don't think so. i find myself becoming more impatient with the day-to-day that i live in. eager to get out on my own, yet afraid of all that entails. the searching, packing, moving, uncertainty. i've done it before and had good results and bad results. being wiser and more self-assured now, i think the odds are tipped more in my favor, but will reality crash into desire and want and dream? will that make things better or more stressful? "better the devil you know than the devil you don't?" as my desire to spread my wings intensifies, my spirit is tired and bruised. i know i must be ready in all regards in order to make things work. but will preparing for the next step further crush me? or, having made the decision, will it strengthen my determination and make me strong enough? i have always been a strong person in some ways - suck it up and do what needs to be done. going in to work today was an example - after being verbally annihilated on the phone just moments after parking my car, my strong desire was to turn the key, head home and crawl under the protection of my sheets. instead, i went in to work - a smile pasted on my face. i wonder if that's strength of character, or weakness? i crave a magic wand. diva dog has been at camp grandma's for the week. i've gotten nothing done that should have been done without 4-paws crashing around. she comes home tomorrow night and i miss her so much. this time away is usually very relaxing and productive for me. but with the house still in an uproar, nothing has come of the time except missing the only heartbeat that kisses and loves no matter what. as i approach 50 this year, i think about what i still need to do - the feeling that life is more than half over ticks away in me constantly. had i planned properly, i'd be retiring in 5 years. 5 years! but i am coming into my own now - as a woman, as a warm loving spirit, as an artist. and i will not let time steal that. and i won't let other people's schedules and agendas steal that. and i won't let myself steal from myself what i was put here to do....make art, love purely and beautifully, appreciate all things good & bad & sweet & wonderful & sad & unjust. for in one, you see the other. sunny skies are only defined by their counterpart the clouds. i have seen both in my 49 1/2 years....i prefer one over the other, that's for sure, but i've also learned that neither will kill me. neither has the power to change me - only affect what i let it affect. My Lake brings tears to my eyes with it's majesty, but it can only change what i allow it to - to soften and soothe the bruises, or tickle a little fear with it's power. so the coming weeks and months and day-to-days will play out the results of the slow, meticulous change of seasons in my soul. scary and exciting. tiring and energizing. sad and exhuberant. counterparts dancing in my lifeplan........L.

update

MARCH 24th?! was that really the last time i posted??? yikes (again)! i guess not much has happened/changed...i'm still in the training phase of my new job, so what's not to love about that? my health has returned. alas - so has the snow! my art is going well, both in the studio, and sales-wise. so it's all very busy and good. please keep checking back...i promise as the breeze beigins to blow warmer, the posts will become more interesting! nothing like a great day on my Lake to stimulate the thoughts! did you check out page 9 of Cloth, Paper, Scissors yet??? come on! L.