catch up

feeling much better, but surprisingly fatigued. i am just about able to make it through the day, and go up to bed around 8...unless Idol is on! then i nap for an hour just to stay awake! worrisome. but anyway, even as i am sleep-walking, the earth is waking up and so are my creative muses. i am trying not to overload myself with "started" projects that may/may not ever get finished. today, i met the most incredible woman. she is well past 50, with beautiful steel grey hair, dancing eyes and a vibrant spirit. my friend & i are both careening toward 50 and having a difficult time of it. 50. more than half your life gone. i worry - have i done enough? what haven't i done that i absolutely need to do/see/taste/feel? am i living the way i thought i'd be at this age? what can i change? so many questions. i thought by now i'd have all the answers! but this woman said after 50 is the best time of your life....you can speak your mind and people listen. you KNOW your mind by now. (i'm LOSING mine,so i'd better not speak too much!). i guess i always pictured myself being this earthmother-y type wearing lots of Bluefish clothes and sandals...sort of a grown up hippie chick. instead, i see my mother in the mirror more and more. those lines around my lips (WHAT upper lip?!?) and the corners of my mouth downturned. hard living, in the emotional sense, has brought those attributes to me. that makes me wonder if my mother has the same regrets and feelings of not-enough-time. what would she have wished for in her life? what are her greatest acheivements and disappointments? what would she change now? they say it ain't over till it's over, but i have a feeling there's a point where you might say "it's too late to swim against the tide." i feel "me" trying to break out of this life-skin i'm in. the struggle is epic at times. to break free means great loss, on one hand, but may bring fulfilling gain. is the result worth the struggle? since the result is unknown, is the risk worth the reward? i think yes, but wonder if i still have the strength and resolve to see it through. a life half-lived is worse than a life lived to others' designs. i think it's better to be blind to your "self," than to know your self, but be untrue to it. and i know my self. so i guess this rambling has produced the answer. time for a good CD with my sewing machine humming along to the the melody and diva dog hiding under my desk. it's funny - Kita preferred classical music. Diva dog likes rock and folk. anything else is just thunder to her ears. speaking of which, there's the first thunder of the year outside! come on Spring! L.

creaky

so this is my gram...i thought of this picture, 'cause i know this is my destiny - to become her. *sigh* Hey! want to feel old, useless, tired, obsolete, dumber than a box of rocks? get a new job! especially one where everyone is 25 and under, with little boy-bodies! who talk about going out partying on a monday, for God's sake, and come in tuesday looking all refreshed after 3 hours sleep. i REMEMBER those days, even if i could never LIVE them now. and how about when your trainer tells you that you remind her of her MOTHER'S best friend? not her sister's. mother's. oy vey. now, i'm not a stupid person, but i have felt very old and certainly brain-decrepid in the past few days. new tricks/old dog. add to this humbling experience: oh yes....PMS for the 2nd time in 2 weeks! whoo hoo! which normally makes me a dimwit anyway. so it's no wonder my trainer is like, totally fried trying to teach me this stuff. and, hello, am i the only one there who hasn't had at least 2 children with my boyfriend? and STILL have a waistline?? so the job has been a much humbling experience this week...and it's only Monday! tues & wed are already showing promise in the unpromising direction. they are looking to hire someone additional, and i can only hope she is very very stupid, so i don't look worse! if i could only stay awake when these little girls are chattering on like squirrels. they talk too fast! :) so it goes slow but sure. i guess part of the reason i feel frustrated today is that i expect waaay too much from myself - as usual. i set the bar high and get upset when i make it as far as can be expected, and no further. of course, having a stressed out trainer is not helping. so i come home, eat dinner, and pass out on the couch - like an old lady! i told my trainer embryo today that the strangest thing about getting old(er) is that you don't THINK of yourself as "old." i'm a misfit! well, that's nothing new....it's just that i'm used to hangin' with folks whose worldview expands past NOVA 105.1 and Armory Square drink specials. people who can remember what they did over the weekend....and with whom. or if not, they are certain that alcohol was not the impairing factor. well, off to toss the big brown bear to diva dog.....could life get better? so to those who can relate, i raise my glass of Ensure.......L.

WOW!

has it been this long since i posted?! yikes! well a lot has happened...and nothing much. all at the same time. go figure! i was supposed to get a week off after giving my notice at my last job, then start my new new job 3/5. i had a week of fantastic artistic endeavors planned for the week and was salivating in anticipation. not so fast....woke up the 1st day of "vacation" feeling like someone was smashing my hands, feet and hips with a hammer. hard. chills, fever, body cramping from the chills, pain....you get the point. ah yes. the flu. like i've never had it before. a nasty nasty bug. by the end of the week - still sick, and of course, add PMS to the mix. and a gross cough. yuk. i called my yet-to-be-started new job and begged for a few more days. they were fine with it. wednesday would be day 1. by tuesday night - no better, so i called and again begged. they were still cool with it, and said i couldn't start till i had an official note from the doc saying i was cleared for takeoff....they were afraid i'd push myself and come in before i should! Now what kind of humanity is THAT? so i started today. i really like it. yes, i know, i always say that the first day! but there is an attitude there of kindness - something sorely lacking in the corporate world today. with so many unemployed, the conventional wisdom says to work 'em to death then kick 'em to the curb. but this is a truly caring operation. a friend of mine has worked there for a while now, and she told me about the opening. good pay. good benefits. no bullshit. what more can you ask for? AND - i have my very own cubicle! i giggled when i saw that. right by the windows, too. by 5pm i was teary-eyed with exhaustion, though - only 4 hours sleep. between the time change, and my husband deciding that late night TV with loud, crunchy snacks was the thing to do, i barely dozed off before my alarm screamed at me to get up. early to bed tonight....and i'm locking the bedroom door! diva dog is having a confusing day - mom was up early and then gone FOREVER. she actually got so worried, she threw up. since the weather was giving us a break, we went to the park when i got home. so, i guess it's a pretty mundane life in those respects, but a little normalcy in the schedule isn't necessarily a bad way to go from time to time. in order to "lure" me there, the company threw in an extra week vacation! so this summer i get 1 week, then after next January, i get 2 weeks! whoo hoo! i can use some of those days to beat back the winter blahs one day at a time, and still have a week in the summer or fall to go somewhere. my wanderlust is still full force. i feel a need to travel somewhere that will take my breath away. somewhere to hold in my heart and mind and soul. a fellow salesrep friend of my husband's just got laid off (too old and made too much money) and decided that enough was enough. he's going to raise koi. that's it. just koi. how great is that?? i miss the fall, and the long walks with diva dog. we logged some good miles last year! mostly walking off the hurt and sadness, but bonding, and re-inventing ourselves....her as the only dog, and me as ....well, who knows. i think once i establish a routine here, and get some non-dependant cash flow going, then i'll figure out the who/where/what/why of myself. the distractions of trying to tread wet cement will be gone. it's been so much harder trying not to get hurt lately. there is a definate, subtle shift in the relationship. before, at least we tried. now, i don't feel that coming my way - just anger and intentional hurtings. it's lonely and hard, but strangely a relief almost. the battle to keep up a good front was tiring. now, we're like 2 drops of oil in a glass of water - each self-contained, occaisionally bumping into each other, then moving away....never merging, never becoming one. still in the same glass of water, though. so i concentrate on the new job, and becoming employee-of-the-month so i can rise through the ranks and make the big money. can you imagine? so the thaw that has melted the ice on my roof and sidewalk has also come to my heart and mind....i am seeing possibilities like the snowdrops near my Japanese Maple. peeking out. taking a chance. still unsure if tomorrow will bring a winter storm, or a few hours warming in the sunshine. but they still peek out. L.

long time!

sorry it's been sooo long since my last post - i have been flat out on my back with that nasty nasty flu for over a week. am still not 100% but definately much better than a week ago when i was sure i was going to die. and would've welcomed it! i was to start my new job today, but they have been absolutely wonderful in letting me delay my start date till i'm better. after listening to me cough on the phone, i'm sure they wanted me as far away from them as possible! so i've caught up on my reading, anyway! i am enjoying a book right now called "Living Artfully." it's a recipe for having an artful life - even if you aren't an artist. very enlightening. it's about doing special things, or ordinary things in a special way, to bring joy to those around you - and yourself! as i scrolled back through my posts, i realized how bitter and depressing they've started to sound. yes, my circumstance has been a stew pot for all that, but when i think back through the mileposts in my life, i realized that i've always looked on the lighter side of things and not allowed my surroundings to dictate my moods. so i've had to do some thinking about what's different now - why am i being the ripple the stone makes when it splashes into the water, instead of the stone? why am i letting outside surroundings and attitudes affect my inner self, instead of being the one who affects the surroundings? we all know people that make us feel wonderful - just by being with them. you can't help but laugh or smile just by their playfulness, or way of looking at a situation....or just their joy and wonder at life. i worked with a girl like that recently. you ask her how she was, and her answer 100% of the time was, "I'm PERFECT!" now, you'd find out later that her husband had accidentally run over her dog (true story), and wonder how in the world she could be perfect after that. but she is eternal sunshine. the mistakes she made on the job made for a difficult go for the rest of us, but there's no one i'd rather work with! her attitude was infectious. just try to be gloom-and-doom around THAT! i remember being that way, and want it back. not faking it ....i want the real deal. i think i've gotten so caught up in taking myself sooo very seriously as an artist, that the fun and joy of experimenting and creating has gotten sucked out of the process. add swinging hormones and marital issues, and i guess i can see where it was easier to see the weeds instead of the flowers. while i was writing this, my neighbor called and told me about a DVD she just watched called The Secret. it was on Oprah. she used words like "life-changing" and "unbelievable." she's been in a slump also, and said this DVD changed her outlook in 1 night. that's asking an awful lot! i believe i'll check this one out....not one for self-help books, etc, this sounds different. **** i just paused for a while to get my sorry butt up & showered and dressed. my little diva dog has been sitting by my side for a full week, and has cabin fever. we went out back to romp a little before the cold & blowy stuff hits. she was ecstatic! how she can find a stick buried under all that snow is beyond me! it feels good to get up and out a bit. after a week of bedrest, how much more boring can it get?? i used to wish for a few days of complete relaxation & time alone....it will be a while before i utter those wishes again! i want to keep busy so i don't dwell on feeling sick, but don't want to overdo it either. maybe a quick trip to the bookstore. or at least scrape off my car. i put new birdseed out in the feeders, and the jays are going nuts! they are so huge, but so cautious - if they look in the window and see us, they fly away immediately! the little birds tend to be more curious and sit there staring back, cocking their heads to get a better look. well, 1st things 1st - lunch. L.